Category Archives: Depression

It’s These Words and Music that Keeps Me Living, Keeps Me Breathing.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

In some of my previous entries I’ve discussed my desire to get out and do more, but how there’s some thing or some force holding me back. I’ve discussed my financial situation and it’s not what I would like it to be. I’ve also had a few entries discussing how much certain bands and my experiences at their shows have given me and what that means to me. This particular entry has a nice mix of all of those topics.

The first three weeks of May, 2015 were some of the most memorable, worthwhile, and expensive weeks I’ve had in a very long time. In all seriousness, I spent almost every last cent I had, which to be honest, wasn’t much to begin with. But, I had been putting money aside for this specific cause. I attended multiple concerts in May and each one of them gave so much back to me as far my own personal health goes.

My month quite literally started out with back to back shows from Life of Agony on May 1st and 2nd in their hometown of Brooklyn, NY. As my depression has really taken hold of me over the last few years, Life of Agony’s 1993 masterpiece debut album, River Runs Red, has begun to mean so much more to me. Any time I see Life of Agony, I feel like I’m a part of something. I feel like everyone there is forgetting their problems and uniting to let all of their frustrations out in a positive way. In particular the song “Underground,” which is pretty much about that particular topic. I was privileged and lucky enough to be able to watch the 2nd show from the side of the stage and even got to sing a little bit of “Underground” on the stage with friends. I really don’t know if I can put into words how much a moment like that really meant to me.

There were bands I liked as a pre-teen and into my early teens, but none of them grabbed me quite like Faith No More did the first time I ever heard one of their songs. They were immediately my favorite group, and remain in that spot many years later. They just released their first album in 18 years and are currently on tour for it. I was lucky enough to get a ticket to each of their two (very quickly) sold out shows at Webster Hall in New York City. To say that these shows were flawless is accurate. I’ve spoken to enough people that attended one, or both, of the shows and we’re all in agreement that they were just amazing.

A few days after Faith No More, I ran another 5k race and I set a new personal best time for myself at 28:46.4. That’s almost 30 seconds better than my previous record. Later that night I treated myself to a Moonspell concert in New York City. I hadn’t seen Moonspell perform since 2006 and it was fun to see them again.

Next on my concert going agenda was the one and only Clutch. I’ve seen them over 30 times and I’ve seen them play some interesting and different venues. But on May 19th, I got to see them perform in New York City’s Central Park. Yes, it was as cool of an experience as it sounds like it was. The temperature was just right, it was a nice day, and they performed one of the better sets I’ve seen them do in a very long time. Just like everything else from this month, I could not have asked for more.

I ended my month of concerts by going to Baltimore, Maryland for the first night of the Maryland Deathfest. Death Metal supergroup, Bloodbath played their first ever (official) show in America and I couldn’t miss it. If you’re not familiar with Bloodbath, it’s made up of members of Katatonia, Opeth, and their new singer is the singer of Paradise Lost. And if you know what I listen to, you know why I couldn’t miss seeing this. I didn’t know what to expect as far as their set list went, since there was a new singer I didn’t know how deep into their catalog they would go. I did have hopes of three particular songs being played, and all three were. I’ll say that just like Faith No More, and other than dealing with crowd surfers on top of me too often during the set, this show was also flawless. And, as a bonus, I got to have an exclusive beer made just for the event. Of course, it was called Deathfest Ale.

The month of May for me wasn’t just about the music, although music was foundation of the month. It was also very much about friends. While some people did attend multiple shows with me, I had different people with me almost every time. I feel that some of those friendships became stronger. Also, at these shows I reconnected with someone I hadn’t seen in a few years and now we’re talking pretty regularly. And in Baltimore, I even had the pleasure of seeing a friend that I had not seen in about 19 years. I couldn’t possibly ask for more. If you were a part of these shows with me, I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of these great events that meant something good to me.

However, as all good things must come to an end, my three weeks of “Epic Pure Rock Fury on the Other Side of the River, with a Bloodbath at the End” did come to an end. Thank you for indulging my cheesy line there. A few days after it ended, so did my emotional high from the shows and I started sinking back to my usual feelings. Another reality set in quickly. I am really close to being completely out of money until my next paycheck.

As usual, I don’t think this entry is nearly as good as it could be. But this time, I’m just accepting that and saying it’s because I’m honestly having such a difficult time putting into words how much I did enjoy myself for that three week span. So maybe since I’m having trouble with MY words, I’ll use a few lines from Clutch’s song “Earth Rocker” to sum it up nicely:

“So don’t look to me for answers, because I don’t got-a-one.
I just came to have a good time, and I’m gonna have one.

Yeah, I’ve lost many battles, and even more days.
But if I had to do it over, I would do it just the same!”

My Guitar Gently Weeps

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I lost my mother 5 years ago today. I knew I wanted to write something about it, but it’s a subject that I’ve always had difficulty putting into proper perspective. There’s so many different emotions, feelings, and issues that it’s not necessarily easy to put it into words that anyone outside of the people absolutely closest to me can understand. And the list of people included in that group is incredibly limited.

I’ve written a lot over the last few years about my depression, my “programming,” and my instinctual behaviors. So much of that comes from my parents. And while some of the negative aspects of my life definitely came from my mother and her actions (and lack of actions), so did a lot of the positive aspects. I want to say so much about it. I want to dig deep and let it all out, but there’s something that won’t let me. I don’t know if it’s the control she had on me while she was here, or me struggling with whether it’s right or wrong to say certain things publicly. I have to admit that I’m shaking a bit as I’m writing this. A lot of emotion is bottled up with the topic of my mother.

There’s a few specific things that only I know about. There’s events and things I saw that I have never told a single person. I don’t know if this would be the proper forum to do so. But, until I can properly decide what to say and what not to say, I’ll just say this…

My mother was MY mother. She was definitely one of a kind. Good or bad, negative or positive, she was there. She was the most powerful influence in my life. And in some ways, she still is. She’s been gone for five years, but she’s still with me, and always will be.

What is posted below is my blog post from July 8, 2010. It was originally posted on MySpace. At the time it was published, it was the most personal and “real” blog entry I had ever written. Also, at the time it was written, I was not very comfortable talking about me. I had not ever seen a therapist about myself and kept most of the my emotions to myself. And I certainly did not talk about my mother. The entry is a bit vague in detail, but it did what it needed to. As I’ve said, one day I may touch on certain subjects, but until I feel that I can (at least publicly), I believe this is the best way for me to handle it today.

Thanks for reading…

My Guitar Gently Weeps
July 8, 2010

Being that my birthday falls in the beginning of July, I see my year split into equal halves. I’ve discussed this in previous blogs. I’ve also discussed how I usually get very reflective during this time of year. I look back on the year and try to figure out where it’ss gone and then figure out where I need to go. For the past two months, I’ve been more reflective than ever. I’ve not just looked back on the last six months, but I’ve looked back on 34 years that I had with my mother.

I lost her at the end of April and it’s been a rough few months ever since. I’m not going to get into details about the circumstances, as I don’t feel the need to do so. As a generally private person, I feel there are certain things that should remain private, so that’s what I’m going to do here.

For almost 34 years, she was here with me. For almost 34 years, I had a meal waiting for me every day. For almost 34 years I knew what I was coming home to. And since the end of April, I don’t have any of that.

One of the things I’ve noticed about my memories of my mother is how perspective on them has changed. Many of the things that had negative thoughts associated with them have been pushed aside and positive thoughts are prevalent now.

My mom and I were both die-hard New York Yankees fans, but didn’t go to games. She spent a great deal of her childhood in the Bronx and went to countless games at the Old Yankee Stadium when it was in its original form. It tore her heart out when they renovated it in the 1970s. She often told me of the tears she shed while going past it on a train and seeing the walls being torn down. She was pregnant with me on April 15, 1976 when they had the grand opening of the new Yankee Stadium. The changes were so severe that she never wanted to go back. While I was always a bit upset that she didn’t want to take me to games, her stance on the ballpark helped to create my old school baseball purist mentality. For those of you asking why my dad didn’t take me to games, well, he grew up in a National League/Yankee-hating household, so it wasn’t an option.

When old enough to go to games on my own, I finally did. I managed to see some good ones too, including David Cone’s Perfect Game in 1999. Ironically, my mom was originally going to go to that game with my sister, but the heat was too much for her that day and she backed out. Her not going allowed me to go.

2008 was the last year the Yankees played in that particular building and I told her she HAD TO go to a game with me at that place. There were no options. On April 6, 2008 we finally attended a game together. It was a chilly Sunday afternoon game. We saw the Yankees beat the Tampa Bay Rays, 2-0. The score of the game was not important to me, all that mattered to me was that I finally got to a game with my mother.

And a little side note, the Yankees have since moved to their new stadium, and I haven’t gone to it. I wonder where I get that from.

While we didn’t agree on many things musically, there was one artist that we always agreed on, Dion. She grew up in his neighborhood, and kind of knew him from the town. While she was more of a fan of his early doo-wop stuff, I liked his late 80s stuff and the blues albums he did over the last few years. We got to see Dion perform in 2009. I knew it was going to be a special time, but I had no idea how special it was going to be. The smile I saw on my mother’s face that night was amazing. She had been brought back to her childhood and the more simple things that go along with it. He played all of his classic songs and told stories of the neighborhood, and my mom was hooked on every word. It was seriously one of the best things I had ever seen, she was overwhelmed with joy.

Ironically, my mom often said I go to too many concerts and didn’t think I needed to see the same band over and over again. Dion was playing in our area again a day or so after the show we saw and she had thought about getting us tickets to that show as well, but unfortunately for us, it was sold out.

Obviously, there was a lot more to my mother’s life than the Yankees and Dion, but they played a huge part of her life. It’s all about her time in the Bronx, and one those two particular days I was able to bring her back to things from her childhood, and what I saw in her face those days was just magic to me.

I’ve had to learn a lot of things very quickly over the last few months. Things that I probably should have known earlier, but didn’t need to know, since she took care of them. Things like cooking and how to properly take care of our birds. I think I’m doing a decent job adjusting to that. The cooking part will take some work, but what I’ve done so far has been good.

Another thing I learned, and again, I probably should have realized this before is just how incredible my friends are.The support they’ve given me during this time has been downright amazing. They’ve greatly helped me get through my days and provided me with a great outlet when I need it. But should it surprise me? That’s what friends do. I just hope that I can be as good to them when it’s needed as they’ve been to me.

Decay of Fortune and Might

Posted by MaskedSanity on

There is nothing that has been a more consistent element in my depression and anxiety in my life more than financial worries. A lack of financial success has contributed to my stress, my lack of a social life, and in some ways my lack of what could be considered progress in life.

In Spring of 1999 I applied for and was given my first credit card. It had a $200 spending limit. I would use it when I needed to and I always paid it off. Then I got another card with a bigger limit. Then I got another one and another and another and another. It kept going. I kept using the credit I had available to me. I had a MasterCard, Discover Card, American Express, more than one Visa, and a few store specific cards. By January, 2010 my credit card debt was close to $40,000.

I had to do something about my debt. I had looked into bankruptcy as an option. I had looked into debt settlement agencies, only to read about how it could actually negatively impact my credit rating. However, I didn’t really need to worry about the settlement issues because it’s not legal in my state. But that didn’t stop the person on the other end of the phone from suggesting I set up an address in another state. Sounds like a reasonable organization, right? But, I’m getting off track…

I did get in touch with a debt counselling service based on someone’s recommendation. They told me what they could do for me and what the conditions were. It was pretty clear. They negotiated with all of my credit card companies and got my interest rates lowered to reasonable amounts. All of my accounts were closed or suspended. I had to pay off whatever I owed, there was no forgiveness. And by no means was I permitted to use a credit card during while I still owed anything. I accepted the terms and got on my path to financial freedom.

Less than one year later I lost my job. I was able to collect unemployment, but my income was not what it used to be. I decided to make a drastic move and I cashed out my 401k. I put all of it towards my debt and made a significant impact on it. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. My 401k was for my future, and you’re right. But with that debt hanging over me, I had no future. I needed it gone. The 401k did not finish the job, but it made it manageable again. I was able to lower my monthly payments and get by with what I was collecting.

Over the course of the next year or so I sold some stocks that I had invested in and put them towards my debt as well, and also I did end up with another job. It paid me less than my previous one, but it was a job. I filed my taxes in early February, 2013 and saw the amount that I was going to be refunded. It was more than I owed. The day that money was in my account, I called the debt agency and let them know I wanted to make an extra payment. When I was asked how much the payment would be, I replied “every last cent I owe.” That was the best phone call I had ever made. They let me know that I would not see the results IMMEDIATELY, but within a few weeks everything would be settled. I checked my account on their website daily. Sometimes I looked at it multiple times in a day.

On the morning of March 12, 2013 I was at my gym. In between sets I used my phone to look up my account. It said “DEBT FREE.” I sat there for a few seconds before it sunk it, and I wept. The burden was gone. I could finally say that I owed NOTHING. I went back to my house and took a picture of ALL of my credit cards, since I had saved them. I then shredded ALL OF THEM and took a picture of them afterwards. I posted those pictures online, because well…
isn’t that how we all announce good news?

It’s now been two years to the day since I’ve been debt free. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I don’t have much money to my name at all. I live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck. I have a new job that actually pays me less than I’ve been paid since I started with the credit cards to being with. Very often I am completely struggling to get by. I’ve learned the importance of coupons and rewards cards.

But here’s the big difference in my financial burden now and my burden from a few years ago. If I can’t afford something, I don’t do it. That’s a good thing. The bad thing is how much I’ve feel I’ve missed out on due not being able to afford it. However, the flip side to that is how much more I appreciate anything and everything that I am capable of doing.

Of course, while I do have the appreciation, I still have the sometimes overwhelming feeling of hopelessness since I’ve not been able to get ahead at all. Don’t think I’m not putting forth an effort. It’s just not easy.

I recently read an excellent book called “Hand to Mouth: Living in Bootstrap America” by Linda Tirado. Yes, that’s where I got the “hand to mouth” line that I used. The book about her struggles with fiances, depression (due to finances and not due to finances), stigma of being poor and depressed, and just coping with all of it really got to me. It showed me that I AM NOT ALONE. That’s something I’ve tried to convey to people struggling with life’s issues. They’re not alone and sometimes I need to be reminded of that myself.. And reading about her problems gave me some comfort. Not that I am glad she struggled, or that anyone is going through similar issues, but I still got comfort knowing that there’s others like me.

I seriously recommend that book to anyone with financial struggles. And I also recommend that people read the original article that got her noticed, which I will link to HERE.

In summary, I spent most of my 20s building my debt and burying myself under it. I spent most of my 30s paying it off and climbing out of the hole. But here I am, two years removed from credit card debt and still way under the poverty line and still very close to being completely broke. If I want to look at the bright side of it, I’ve never been in a better financial position in life. I can also say that there’s never been a better time for me to be broke, because I have no debt. But looking at the bright side can only get me so far. Looking at my bank statements brings me back down to reality in a flash.

But like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m still fighting. Because like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I can’t give up. Because like every other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m determined to come out better.

Under a Veil of Stars Where the Darkness Grows

Posted by MaskedSanity on

A coworker recently asked me how I can be depressed. I was told that I’m a good looking guy that’s funny and I seem to enjoy what I’m doing. Well, that’s just the thing, isn’t it? What’s on the surface may not be what’s inside. A lot of people with depression issues hide them. Sometimes they hide them intentionally, sometimes it’s just a need, and sometimes it’s due to feelings of shame, which I’ve discussed before.

I’ve also realized that I’ve been guilty of thinking that way at times. Even with my depression and my awareness of it, I still fall into that trap. A few months back when a friend sent me a text about some of her issues, my first thought was “but she’s so pretty and so much fun, how can she be depressed?” I was actually pretty annoyed with myself for that, but it’s how we’ve been conditioned to think about it. Not everyone with depression is the dark, brooding, pale skinned, gothic looking person that is the stereotypical model of depression. Did Robin Williams seem like that to you?

This past November, Wayne Brady spoke about his battles with depression. Again, on the surface (and on television) he comes off a funny, happy, full of life person, but inside he’s suffering. He stated:

“Having a bad day is one thing, having a bad week is another, having a bad life … You don’t want to move, you can’t move in the darkness. You’re like, ‘I am just going to sit right here and I want to wallow in this. As much as it hurts, I am going to sit right here because this is what I deserve. This is what I deserve, so I am going to sit here because I am that horrible of a person.’”

He said he DESERVES to suffer. How can anyone believe that about themselves? Wayne Brady is a television star. He has money and fame, yet he feels he deserves to suffer. He feels that he’s a horrible person. How can that be? How does that make sense? It makes perfect sense to me, because I feel the same way at times. I feel that I NEED to suffer. I feel that I AM SUPPOSED to suffer.

You would not know any of this about Wayne Brady if you watched him hosting Let’s Make a Deal or appearing on Whose Line is it Anyway? He always appears full of life and he’s so much fun, right? The friend that texted me appeared that way to me too. Apparently, I appear that way to some coworkers. Robin Williams appeared that way on stage. But we all share a pain that really can’t be understood by someone that doesn’t go through it as well. I can tell you that I feel empty inside. And maybe you can relate to a time when you lost something you felt strongly about. Maybe you can relate to the time you didn’t win a game. That feeling wasn’t good. I feel that way MOST of the time, except worse.

It’s because of my awareness that not only do I try not to be judgmental about people’s issues, but I know I can’t be. The last thing that someone that is suffering and feels they need to be suffering wants to hear is someone being critical or dismissive of their problems. That is why I’ve been known to reach out to friends if I see something they’ve posted online that seems like something that may be going through. That is why I am so quick to offer help to them and let them know that I’m always willing to listen to them if they need to talk. I also know it’s very possible they may never take me up on that offer, because I know how difficult it can be to talk about these things at times, especially if you’re trying to keep up the appearance of someone that has it together. But regardless, I want them to know that SOMEBODY cares. Sometimes when I reach out I’ll simply let them know they’re not alone. Sometimes I’ll try to find an appropriate joke to go with the situation. But more than anything, I try to be as understanding as possible. That may mean that I don’t say anything, I just listen, and by doing that I’m being more helpful that a lot of other people would be.

At Life’s Four-Way Stop

Posted by MaskedSanity on

It’s that time again, it’s the end of the year. It’s time for me to ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Two years ago I said yes, last year I wasn’t sure. This year I don’t think I am. I have way too many questions, not enough answers, and (what I see as) a lack of any real forward movement in my life.

With that said, there is one area of my life where I think I made drastic improvement, and that is being able to identify and deal with my depression and anxieties. However, I believe it’s mostly because I have fallen into a pretty bad depression and I have more anxieties. So, basically there’s more to work with there.

Overall, 2014 was a challenging year for me. I started off the year unemployed and not knowing if I was going to be collecting unemployment. A blizzard in early January made the wait to find out even longer as the Unemployment offices were shut down due to a state of emergency. To make a long story short, I did end up collecting, but I also was employed by the end of January. There’s good news and bad news about my employment. The good news is that I actually do like my job. The bad news is that my salary is the lowest it’s been since the late 1990s. It’s a weird trade off for me, but it’s one I was willing to do in 2014.

My low salary has not helped my stress levels though. While I remained debt free in 2014 and have not used a credit card in almost five years, I am just getting by. I sometimes joked that I work just to be able to afford enough gas in my car to get me to the supermarket to buy whatever food I can afford, with as many coupons as possible. I don’t dislike eating Ramen noodles, but I also know it’s not exactly healthy, but it’s sometimes all I can afford.

I don’t know if I can say that my social life is better off than it was. While I KNOW that I have more legitimate friends than I’ve had before, I’ve also never felt lonelier than I do now. This is a subject I’ll probably get into in more detail in a future post, but my inability to connect, or reconnect, with certain people has taken its toll on me. I can most assuredly tell you that if I were to leave my house more often or hang out with people more often, it would not necessarily help me. My social anxieties have also become heightened. I’ve gone from being slightly uncomfortable in social settings to almost outright dreading them.

My depression levels have risen to such heights…
wait, is that possible?
My depression levels have sunk to such depths that my motivation to do almost anything is not there. I barely leave my house on weekends. On some recent weekends, I’ve barely left my bed. I will sit in my room watching clips of things on YouTube because I don’t have the attention span for anything beyond 4 minutes.

I wanted to read one book per month in 2014. I ended up reading ONE book. However, does it really count since I started it in late 2013?

One aspect of 2014 that I am truly proud of is my running in five 5k races. All five of them were better times than the races I had run in previous years. I went into detail about my feelings on these races in a previous entry. I will likely run more races in 2015, but as of now, I don’t know when.

I did have some specific fitness goals for 2014. One of which was met ever so briefly. My default weight seems to be about 205 – 210 pounds. It seems that getting under that range is not too easy for me. Surpassing that range is a lot less difficult than it used to be. But, I wanted to be under 200 in 2014. I started the year at 204. There was a point in 2014 where I dropped to around 195 pounds. I would have liked to have been proud of that accomplishment, but it was immediately after something upset me and eating and/or holding food in was slightly difficult. I felt my depression robbed me of being proud of my accomplishment. And I’m back up to around 210 pounds.

The other specific fitness goal I had for 2014 was to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. Well, I’m still not even close. However, I did not try often. I only did the routines that it’s featured in a few times. I’ve more or less planned out my entire year of DDP Yoga workouts, so let’s see if I can get it done this time.

One other thing that happened to me in 2014 is something that I see as a mix of good and bad. I wrote some particularly deep blog entries and judging by some of the responses I received from people, I may actually be helping people with their issues. When I received text messages from some friends after one of my entries and those messages included them telling me how much they mean to me and/or telling me of their own battles with depression, I felt good. Not good that they’re suffering, but that my little blog here actually gives them support and comfort. Yes, I know this is a good thing that I’m writing about. A problem that I have with it is that regardless of the compliments, support, and friendships, I still feel lonely and insignificant. I wish that was different.

I have used the exact same New Year’s Resolution for the last few years, and it’s simply “to make it better” in the new year. Going into 2015, I’m not even sure what “it” is, but I know I want things to be better for me. I really NEED things to be better for me. I don’t want moments of hope to turn into months of despair. I don’t want brief glimpses of happiness to be washed away by harsh realities. I want my moments of hope to turn into real sustained happiness. Of course, I don’t know how possible any of it is. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t keep going…
Even if I don’t know where that destination is.

I Trust the Speed Until I Have No Need to Run Anymore

Posted by MaskedSanity on

As I was training for one of the 5k races I ran over the last few months, someone asked me if I loved running. I paused for a moment and said “Not really, but I do love crossing the finish line.” It was at that moment when I realized how much crossing the finish line really does mean to me. Yes, I’ve written about the races I ran in 2012 and 2013 and the feeling of accomplishment I had when I finished those races, but this year it was different. I didn’t just do one race this year, I did five. I set personal records in 3 out of the 5. But I still don’t think that alone was what it was all about for me this year.

My depression has consumed me for much of this year. I’ve become much more aware of it than I used to be. I’ve realized just how much of my daily life is dictated by my mood. I’ve realized that it’s a vicious cycle that I haven’t been able to break. How does running 3.1 miles have anything to do with that? It’s actually simple when you think about it. When ever I cross that finish line, I’ve accomplished something that cannot be taken away from me. And the feeling of victory I have when I cross that line is not something I’ve often experienced.

In 2012 I ran my first 5k and completed it in 29 minutes and 45 seconds. I was VERY proud of that accomplishment and what that entire day meant to me. In 2013 I ran the same race in 32 minutes and 12 seconds. I didn’t do as well, but I still finished and still felt accomplished. My racing was limited to just that one race in each year due to the work schedule I had at the time. My schedule wasn’t the same this year, so I was able to do more races and I ran five of them this year.

The first one I did was the same race I had done in 2012 and 2013, it was my town’s annual 5k race. I did not slow down to walk until a bit after the first mile, which I crossed at about 8 minutes and 40 seconds. I knew I was on a good pace, but a little past that first mile I started getting a pain in my right side, so I had to slow down a little bit. I kept going and changed it up from a run to a walk when needed. This race ends at the racetrack at the town’s high school. When I turned the corner of the track and saw that I was just over 29 minutes, I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 24.5 seconds. I had beaten my best time by 20 seconds. My only real goal for that race was to be under 30 minutes again, since I didn’t feel too confident going into it. My goal was met.

The next race I did was a few weeks later. The path for this race was not too hilly, but had a lot of incline in it. The incline worried me and I felt that crossing the finish line at about 30 minutes and 15 seconds would be good for me. But, I also knew that as long as I finished the race, I should feel proud. Despite the having slight difficulty breaking out of the pack at the beginning of the race due to so many young kids grouped up in front of me, my first mile was 8 minutes and 20 seconds. I didn’t expect that. And once again, shortly after that first mile, the slight pain in my side started and I had to slow it down a bit. When I made that final left turn and saw the finish line, I saw that the clock had JUST crossed 29 minutes, so again I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 14.4 seconds. One minute better than my goal and 10.1 seconds better than my previous best time! I was quite satisfied with myself.

My third race of the year was a bit more challenging for me. It was raining a lot during the race and I had never run in conditions like that before. Due to the weather, I didn’t put any pressure on myself to set a personal record, I just wanted a time that I felt was respectable. When I got the one mile marker at just 8 minutes I started to reconsider that personal record thing. I knew it was now attainable. Somewhere around the 2 miles point there was a stretch of a block or two that was unpaved and the ground was ripped up. I did not feel comfortable running in that, so I walked that portion. That worked out somewhat in my favor because my glasses were completely fogged up and my side was hurting. Once I wiped off my glasses and got past that area, I picked up the pace. A minute or so later, I noticed my left shoelace had come untied. I stepped onto a sidewalk and fixed that and then ran a bit. Once the finish line came into view, I saw that it was again just past 29 minutes. I had a chance to set a personal record again, but I crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 18.4 seconds. I missed my record by FOUR seconds. Yeah, it bothered me a little bit since I got my confidence up early in the race, but I was still incredibly proud of my accomplishment given the conditions I was not used to.

The 2nd, 4th, and 5th races that I ran this year were part of a series of a “Triple Crown” that three towns sponsored. And before the 4th race, I saw various posts online that said because it was a “fast and flat” race that many people set personal records on it. Well, this time I actually set forth to do so. I had 3 goals for the race. The first was to be under 29 minutes, the second was to at least set a new record, and the third was just to finish. My feelings of accomplishment would be good if I did any of those. Much like my 2nd race of the year, I had a hard time getting out of the pack at the beginning. This time, not only did I have a lot of children in my way, but I had dogs as well. Yes, there were dogs in this race. I got to the 1st mile marked at about 8 minutes and 45 seconds, so I didn’t think I was on pace for a personal record, but I still had some energy so I kept running for a little bit longer than I normally do past that mile. I noticed that I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes, so I had picked up some time. I also felt the last 1.1 miles were good for me. And this time, I made a right turn to the finish line and again, it had just crossed over to 29 minutes, so I put every last bit of energy I had into it and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 12.9 seconds. I didn’t finish in under 29 minutes, but I did set a new personal record. Again, I was quite happy with myself.

The third portion of the Triple Crown and the final race that I intended to run in 2014 was on a very chilly morning. It was only about 35 degrees out and I was concerned about my lungs and their ability to handle the cold air. I was appropriately dressed for the race, but it was still a concern for me. My three goals for the last race were in effect here too. My first mile issue of not being able to break away happened again and I crossed the first mile at 9 minutes. I figured that a sub-29 minute race was now impossible, but a personal record was not. When I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes and 30 seconds, I started to again think about that 29 minute thing, especially since I knew I had already gotten past the one big incline this path had. However, the last 1.1 miles was rough for me. I wasn’t able to keep up the pace and ended up crossing the finish line at 29 minutes and 40.4 seconds. It was my slowest finish of the year, but I was not in the least bit upset.

Out of 61 males to complete all 3 portions of the Triple Crown, I finished in 47th place. I am very proud of that. The people that won those races finished them in times that I can’t begin to comprehend. But I’m sure they’ve been doing this a lot a longer than I have. And I’m also not ever concerned about “winning” a race. To me, crossing the finish line IS winning.

I finished five races this year, all under 30 minutes. In 3 of the 5 I set personal records. My consistency is pretty damn good. There’s only 28 seconds separating my fastest and slowest finishes. And each and every time I crossed that finish line, regardless of the time, I had accomplished something. I finished something. And each and every time, it meant something.

I am generally lethargic, unmotivated, and not disciplined enough to get things done. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as “just doing it” for me. But, these races have shown me that it is possible to accomplish something. I do put forth time and effort into training for them, but very often I feel that I won’t be able to do get it done. It’s my nature to doubt myself. It’s also my nurturing to doubt myself. But, maybe I can use these races as a catalyst to better things for me. Because on five separate occasions this year I was able to start something and just under 30 minutes later, I was able to finish it. And while the high I feel from crossing those finish lines does eventually go away, the accomplishments live forever, and that’s something that not even my depression can take away from me.

Isolated Myself for the Sake of Freedom

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I am not alone. I understand that. I know that many people go through issues that are similar to mine. I know that many people suffer with various degrees of depression and anxiety. I know that many people deal with the feelings I deal with. And while I may feel like I’m a part of something and I know I’m not alone, I’ve also never felt so much apart from anything and I’ve never been lonelier.

How does that make any sense? It makes perfect sense to me, even if I can’t make sense of it. Does that make sense to you?

You may see me in a social setting. It may be a large gathering. At that large gathering, you may even have a conversation with me. But how long does that conversation last? It’s very likely that I’ll just leave and stand by someone else for a few minutes. This cycle will repeat until I eventually leave the situation completely. No, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I’m not trying to pay attention to you. It just means that I’m not comfortable in social situations but I am making an effort to fit in.

I have a difficult time bonding with people. I’ve discussed that before. I’ve noticed that the people I’ve most recently gotten somewhat close to are people with similar social issues. I almost want to laugh about it. How we can bond at all is confusing to me. But then again, the concept of bonding and connecting to people confuses me in general.

Very early in life I was taught (or taught myself) that it’s better to by myself than be with people or situations that weren’t good for me. This particular philosophy was reinforced to me by people that didn’t do much in the way of socializing with anyone and often created rifts in the few relationships they did have. But, was it really a bad concept? Who wants to constantly be unhappy?

So, how does my lack of ability to bond with people and my separation tendencies tie together? I think fear is a major factor there. I am not good at connecting to people, and I’m confused and scared when I do. I am afraid to start a conversation with you, so I won’t. I have been shunned and rejected enough in life that it’s made me afraid to be shunned and rejected again, therefore it’s likely I won’t even put myself in the position to have it happen. It’s also likely that if you do get close me, it may cause me to panic, and I may try to escape the situation.

At the beginning of this entry I stated that I’ve never felt lonelier than I do now. Yet, I’ve been explaining how I don’t/won’t make an effort to contact or meet people and that I’ll run away from people. So again, I ask, does that make any sense to you? Because, it makes perfect sense to me. It’s my “normal.”

These behaviors and traits I’ve described and deal with are common with certain depressive conditions. I’ve been diagnosed with one where it’s very prevalent. I am not using that as a reason to justify or defend my (lack of) actions. There is nothing to do justify or defend, although I have been known to apologize if I realize that I’ve run away from people I actually do like. As always, I’m writing this to offer some understanding for me and for you.

I don’t know if I like being by myself. I’m just very accustomed to it. I’m physically by myself a lot, and emotionally by myself even more. I am distant. I am sheltered. I am isolated. None of this means I don’t want to hang out with you. None of this means I won’t hang out with you. Sometimes it just means I NEED to be by myself. I hope someday that need will be smaller, but until it is, I’ll be here. And it’s very likely that I’ll be here by myself, even if you’re with me.

It’s Not Your Fault.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

On April 4, 1994 Kurt Cobain killed himself. I was almost 18 years old. I knew he was depressed because I was told he was. I shed a few tears that day, but mostly only because he was a musician I liked and he was dead. But seriously? He had it all, didn’t he? Money, fame? What else did he need?

On August 11, 2014 Robin Williams killed himself. That was just yesterday and I’m now 38 years old and I’ve shed many tears over a man who I’ve never met. Why? Is it because he was an Academy Award winning actor and comedian that I liked and he’s dead? No, it’s because depression claimed another one, and I this time, I understand it.

This morning at my job, a co-worker said “Robin Williams had it all and he went and killed himself. I don’t get it.” I simply replied with “No, you don’t.” I also knew there was no use in explaining it, and in fact his lack of understanding and lack of sympathy at that moment angered me too much to get into a conversation about it.

I have seen an incredible outpouring of emotion and sentiment on various social networks over the past day and it does my heart good. I’m glad attention is being given to mental illness and to the horrors of depression. I sincerely hope that something good comes of the death of Robin Williams.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams did seem to “have it all.” They had money, they had fame, they had great careers, and they had families. But, what some people don’t understand is that none of that mattered. They brought happiness to this world and to us, but they couldn’t bring it to themselves. THAT is what matters.

I’m using these two celebrities as examples because I see the contrast in my own outlook towards it. In 1994 I believed one could just “snap out of it” and be happy. Yet, I was the one in the high school Speech and Communication class just two years earlier that was not making eye contact, not raising my head, and not speaking at an audible level during a few presentations. I was the one sitting in the corner during a cooking class because I “didn’t feel like doing anything.” Looking at that those specific things now, I realize that I was depressed then and I didn’t acknowledge it.

I DO acknowledge it now. I talk about it as much as I can. I write about it when I feel the need to. And as I’m sure I’ve said before, I don’t just do this for me. I do it for anyone else that feels depressed. I know I’m not alone in this. Yes, I am quite often very lonely, but I know I’m not alone. I want YOU to know that as well. You are not alone either.

Robin Williams lived for 63 years. He was always one of my favorite comedians. And when he did a dramatic role, he was amazing. As I stated earlier, he won an Academy Award. It was for his role in Good Will Hunting, which is absolutely one of my favorite movies. He played a psychologist and in an incredibly powerful scene, he finally breaks through to Will and tells him again and again “It’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t the fault of Robin Williams that he was depressed. His depression was the result of various factors. My depression is the result of various factors. Kurt Cobain’s depression was the result of various factors. But it wasn’t their fault, and it’s not my fault. We are the result.

I’ve had many differing emotions on the topic of suicide. Very often I’ve considered the person that takes his/her own life to be selfish. How dare they leave us? How could they do this to their family, friends, fans, loved ones? And, then Robin Williams, a man who “had it all” killed himself at age 63. And all I thought was that depression claimed another one. And while my heart does go out to his family, friends, fans, and loved ones, this time I understand why it happened.

Throughout my most depressed times, I have never wanted to die. But, there’s been times I didn’t want to go on. I’ve never wanted to not be alive, but I’ve certainly wanted my pain to be over. Robin Williams also wanted his pain to be over, and now it is.

I know I’m bouncing around a bit during this entry and I’m repeating things, but this entry is going to be more from the heart that other entries I’ve done. I’m not going to go back and edit, remove, or redo paragraphs like I sometimes do. This one is going to be as it is. Because it needs to be. Because this time, a celebrity death hit me incredibly hard. Because this time it’s bigger than just the death of a celebrity. It’s about something a lot bigger than that. It’s about something that needs to be addressed. Because this time, I GET IT and it’s about time other people do as well.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams brought joy to so many people, but they never felt it themselves. I repeat, they had fame, money, and success, and none of that mattered.

If only either of them realized it wasn’t their fault.

robinwilliams