This entry will not be one with many edits. I’m going to write it and post it. It is not going to linger in my draft bin and wait for me to finalize it. I’m writing this on April 30, 2024. It may have somewhat of a dark tone to it, but I want to attempt to end it on a positive note. I also know very clearly that if I had written it yesterday, it would be a lot darker.
April 29th is not my favorite day of the calendar year. In fact, it’s my least favorite. While I do enjoy being able to make references to a song that I really (Downset’s “Anger) all throughout the day, there’s something else weighs on me quite a bit for the past few years. I’m not going to go deep into that particular topic in this entry, but I will say that it’s been covered in previous entries.
My most recent post was centered around my lack of energy and my desire to fix things. I said that I would put forth some effort in making some changes in my life and hopefully getting some positive results. I would like to say that I did some of that. I don’t feel like April was a waste. I got some stuff done.
I’ve talked about my desire to be healthier. I really do want to feel better. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Any way that I can feel better. I’m also very much aware that I cannot do it on my own and that I need guidance and more awareness than I’ve had.
Everything that I’ve said in this entry ties together here: One of the main reasons that April 29th is such a bad day is because some things cannot be fixed if you don’t know what’s wrong. I am attempting to find out what is wrong. And yesterday, on a day when I’m constantly reminded of past issues, I was told of something that I need to address. Don’t be alarmed by reading that. It’s nothing that requires any procedures or anything like that, it’s basically just something that I’m going to need some assistance with and once I get that assistance, my quality of life could improve a bit. I am being intentionally vague.
Many years ago when I worked in the wonderful world of retail, I was told about “Dashboard Management.” As a supervisor, I cannot get my department going in the right direction if I don’t pay attention to the data on the dashboard and guide the department towards our goals. While I’ve been out of retail for a few years (and grateful for it), I’ve never forgotten that lesson and now I see how I can apply it to myself. I cannot guide myself towards a healthier goal without knowing what I specifically need to address.
Over the past few months, I’ve visited with various types of doctors, some for the very first time. And again, I’ll state that this isn’t anything to alarm anyone. I’m in the last stages of my mid-40s and since I’m lucky enough to have good health insurance, I’m not worried about the expense of medical bills, so I’m going to see whatever medical professional that I think I should see to get some answers. In some of these cases, I’m going to see some doctors because I’ve never seen someone in their particular field before.
How can I get to where I should be if I don’t know where I am?
Another thought that popped into my head while pondering this entry is how much better off I could be in life if the authority figures of my childhood (parents, teachers, counselors) had bothered to address or diagnose some of my issues instead of just labeling me. Was I lazy as a child? Maybe. But, why was I lazy? Was it due to depression and/or some form of attention deficit disorder? Probably. But, did I know that then? No, and even though there were clear signs of depression that I can see via hindsight, nobody did anything to address it. I went to guidance counsellors and teachers for help at times. Instead of getting that help, I was made to feel worse about feeling bad.
Situations like that made me not want to seek help.
I couldn’t go to my parents for help. They were too busy ignoring their own problems to address mine.
What I just said about my parents, while tongue in cheek, is very serious and a major part of what brings me here today with this entry. They ignored their problems. It didn’t matter how much an issue was poking them, they did not/do not address them. No matter how many times something is pointed out, it is ignored.
How can they fix things if they’re unaware? How can they fix things that they choose to ignore? How can they fix things if they simply don’t want to?
I want to fix things. I want to be aware. The expression “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” is complete crap. It can kill you. I’ve become all too aware of that. It can be argued that I haven’t learned much from my past, but I’ve learned some things. And some of those things have been (vaguely) discussed here. I want to be healthy. I need to be. It’s a journey and my dashboard is lighting up.
I am exhausted. It’s more than tired. It’s not having energy. It’s not having motivation. It’s just constant fatigue. It takes me too much effort just to get out of bed every day. What I do from there is almost limited only to what I have to do. Even though I do schedule and plan a lot of things, if it’s nothing something that’s absolutely necessary, I may not do it.
Now that I’ve scared all of you, let me assure you that I’m in the process of addressing my own concerns. I’m also going to make some changes. I’m not quite sure what all of them are yet, but changes are coming. They have to.
There’s not one particular thing that’s been an issue for me lately, other than my usual concerns about life. But, the little things have been getting to me a bit more than usual and they’ve been weighing me down. I’m capable of going out and having a good time, but it’s really like I’m going through the motions with that. I’m stressed. I’m tired. I feel like there’s a lot bottled up. I’m not sure what’s wrong.
I think a theme of this entry is going to be one paragraph describing doom and the next talking about remedies. Just over two years ago, I wrote an entry about starting over. My mindset is currently the same. A new month starts in a few days and with that new month will begin a new dedication. I may have to force myself to do things, but I’m almost at the point where I see no choice.
My lack of motivation to get things done makes me upset that I haven’t gotten things done. Not getting things done kills my motivation to do things. It’s something that I NEED to work on. I don’t know how to do it, especially with my lack of energy. Would I have more energy if I was more active? But can I be more active without energy?
My gym visits used to be specific to the amount of machines that I used. Once I completed that goal and got through a specific amount of time on some form of cardio machine, I would be done there. The length of my gym visits now are determined by how late it is. In my mind, I need to leave there by a certain time, but there’s no reason for it.
Since I’ve passed 40 years of age, I’ve used my age as the reason (possibly excuse) as to why I’m not able to do things like I used to. When I was 39, I was working a job that required me to be there at 6am, sometimes earlier. I would wake up around 4, do a 30ish minute workout in my house before I left for work, and then go to a gym afterwards. I ran various times per week and ALL of the top 10 5k race finish times that I have were when I was 39. Did my metabolism slow down as much as I’ve joked it has since I hit 40? That was almost 8 years ago. Are things just going to get worse?
I know that some of what I’m saying here can be taken as making excuses. I’m not seeing that way, why would I? I’m the one making the excuses, right? No, I’m not. I’m the one that is trying to figure out what’s going on and is committed to making the changes that I need to make. My health depends on it.
I’m prepared to try new methods. As I said earlier, if I have to force myself to do things, I will. Whatever I’ve been doing lately, and by lately, I mean for the past few years, hasn’t been working. I just need to convince myself that I HAVE TO do it, and then I will. I’m good at meeting obligations. I’m not as good with things that I choose to do.
I just turned on a channel that plays music/sounds that are labeled “Zen.” I thought that they would help me concentrate on this since my attention span is awful right now. I was wrong. That channel annoyed me.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, there’s a decent amount of things in my life that I cannot control and they do place a burden on me. Those things probably do limit my ability to fully enjoy things, even if I’m not directly dealing with them all of them the time. Maybe if I find a way to worry less about them and more about what I can control, I’ll be on the right track.
I know that this entry has more questions than answers. I’m asking a lot of maybes and what-ifs. I’m not necessarily providing solutions. But, I really don’t know what the solutions are right now. Over the next few days, I’m going to try to do a few things a little bit differently and we’ll see how it goes.
If anyone reads this and thinks that this a darker entry for me, it’s really not. This is me talking out loud (in typing form) and putting my thoughts out there. This is not a cry for help or attention. But, this is also not me refusing help. I’m open to suggestions. As I said earlier, a new month is just a few days away. I’m going to do a trial run of my methods for a few days and start them for real when the new month begins. I’ll report back in one month. At least, if I word things like that, at the very least I’ll my motivation to write something next month. For now, I may just have another nap.
When I was a kid, I was told that Santa Claus was real. I was told that the Tooth Fairy placed money under my pillow after I lost a tooth, which is really creepy when you think about it. The Easter Bunny delivered candy to houses, or so they said. We were told that Pluto was a planet. We were told that the concept of Trickle Down Economics would work. As I got older, I learned that none of those things are true, except maybe the creepy nature of the Tooth Fairy story.
This entry is not being written to destroy the credibility your childhood myths. Growing up should have done that already. As we get older, we should learn and accept as fact that many of things that were taught to us as children are not true, or at the very least that concepts of them have changed.
One of the examples that I brought up earlier, Pluto was classified as a planet from the time that it was discovered in 1930 until it was reclassified in 2006. The reclassification doesn’t mean that Pluto doesn’t exist, it just means that new information made the reclassification necessary. That is what science does. It studies things and the concepts evolve over time.
Slavery was once a legal practice in the United States. Women were not given the right to vote in the United States. What changed? Ideas of right and wrong. Evolution of concepts.
An older gentleman was in my office the other day. He was using profanity and ethnic remarks. He asked me about specific information about something and after I gave him what he was looking for, I also let him know that he could access all of the same information online, without having to “drive 30 minutes” as he let me know that he had done. He said “I’m 80. I don’t have time for computers. I’m from a different time.” What he showed me is that he hasn’t evolved as time has passed him by.
A good friend of mine is an elected official in another state. She happens to be transgender. She was publicly misgendered by someone a few days ago. It’s made headlines. I made the mistake of reading some of the many comments about it on social media. I was enraged. What does this story have to do with everything else that I’ve been talking about? It’s very simple. I didn’t know about LGBTQ people when I was a kid. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t exist, but I wasn’t told about them. I was told about “traditional” marriages and families. I was told that there were only two genders. What I was told was not true. I accept that. My beliefs changed based on evidence.
But, in regards to the story that I just mentioned, I was very angered by the comments that I read online. I shouldn’t have been, since they were exactly what I expected them to be. The typical closeminded garbage that comes from bigots. Yes, you are a bigot if you shame anyone in the LGBTQ community. Yes, you are a bigot if you make racial or ethnic slurs. Yes, you are a bigot. There is no room for debate. Your ideas need to evolve.
Just because you are taught something doesn’t make it true. Just because you believe something doesn’t make it true. Just because a book written thousands of years ago before anything resembling science and technology evolved mentioned something doesn’t make it true. Ideas, concepts, beliefs are supposed to evolve as facts are revealed.
I try to be as open minded as possible. When there is evidence that something I think is true may not be, I’ll change how I think about it. That’s what is supposed to happen.
If, in the year 2024, you still believe that the social norms of the 1800s are acceptable, you’re wrong. If you believe that racial, ethnic, sexist humor that was often said out loud without consequences is acceptable, you’re wrong. If you think that it’s unacceptable for someone is LGBTQ to not express themselves as they are, you’re wrong.
I understand that many people still believe in things that are wrong, untrue, misconstrued, or are just myths. My ideas are based on experience. My ideas are based on facts. My beliefs are constantly evolving. It’s time for us to stop believing lies. We need to accept facts. We need to stop believing in systems that don’t work. We need to stop believing in concepts that have been proven to be wrong. Evolve. Grow. Get past your pre-conceived ideas of the Universe.
I’m proud of how I’ve evolved over the years. I’m proud of how I see the world and the experiences that I’ve had that have helped me to form my views.
Perspective is a good thing. But, it’s not always easy to see that. I’ve had a few bad days in a row. But, have I really? A few things that are out of my control have impacted me. If you combine that with other things that were stressing me out, and you have me feeling like I’m on the verge of snapping. But, for what? I’ve had much worse days than the last few have been. I’ve encountered much worse scenarios than I’ve dealt with over the last few days. I like to remind myself of that.
At my job, I feel somewhat overworked at times, but I also know that it’s the best job that I’ve ever had. I’m paid better than I’ve ever been before. I have the best health benefits that I could hope for. The job is good. A day or two of a heavy workload isn’t a bad thing. And while I walked into work today a little bit on edge after dealing with a few days in a row that annoyed me, a co-worker told me that he’s heard people talking about how great my work ethic is. My mood changed a bit after that. In fact, that one brief conversation probably changed the entire course of my day and this blog entry.
My problems are my problems. They’re not yours. We all have unique situations, regardless of how similar they may be. I’m also a firm believer of someone having to feel what they need to feel in the moment. If you need to be sad, be sad. Get it out of your system. If you’re angry, be angry. Get it out of your system. It’s the best way to get through it, even if it’s only temporarily.
Looking back on my younger days when I thought that whatever I was going through was rough, I sometime laugh about how simple I had it back then. My younger self would be horrified to hear what the older version of me has gone through. That brings me back to the concept of perspective and how good it is to understand it. Just because my younger self went through things that seem trivial now, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t a big deal to me then.
So yeah, I’ve been stressed about various things recently. I haven’t been able to get nearly as much done as I would have liked to in the first month of the year. I feel like I’m always behind in my goals (at least the few that I seem to have). Playing catch-up is another thing that can cause me stress. I just have to remind myself that forward progress is forward progress. The speed of it may not be relevant.
I run 5k races from time to time. Or at least, I participate in them. The running part is debatable. But, I digress. Those races have taught me that starting something and finishing it is rewarding. Even my slower finishes (and most of my recent ones have been my slower ones) have me accomplishing something that I’m proud of. I think the point of this has something more to do with perspective.
I had no idea what I was going to write about when I started this. This process stressed me out a little bit today. I’ve committed myself to writing (at least) one entry per month and since I don’t do well with deadlines, that’s why there’s usually towards the very end of each month. But think about that, this little unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) task bothered me. Why? It’s about a goal. I like accomplishing them.
But, what goals do I have in life? I’m so far behind where most people of my age are. Should that bother me more? I’m aware of how much worse things could be for me than they are now. I’m also aware that they could be better. Should I focus on either of those perspectives?
Right now, at this very moment, I’m going to focus on wrapping up this entry. I’m then shortly after that, I’m going to wrap up my day. With any luck, I’ll get a decent amount of sleep. And from there, in the morning, I can start fresh. A new day. A new month. A new start.
I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.
I managed to get through 2023 without any health issues. I had my share of sinus related problems, as I always do, but that was it. I had started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I did really well with it for a while, but as it often happens with these things, I had a setback and I’ve put on some of the pounds that I had lost. One of my goals for 2024 is to not only lose all of the weight that I had gained, but to get to my actual goal weight, which I was closing in on during 2023. I was so close, yet so far.
As the world continues to open up to “normal” activities coming, a lot of local towns started having their 5ks again. Some are still skipping them and some just aren’t going to happen any more. I was able to compete in five of them during the year. None of the finishes during those races were my all-time slowest, but they were all some of my slowest. I’m not upset about that because it’s always a good thing when I finish a race, but I would like better results. That is a goal for 2024, and it ties together with the weight loss and fitness. And like many years, except 2021, I was not able to successfully do a DDPY Black Crow. Maybe I’ll put more effort into that as well.
Since I’ve enrolled in a book reading challenge, 2022 was the only year that I was able to meet my goal of reading 12 books or more during the calendar year. 2022 is still the only year that I’ve met that goal. I was only able to get 8 books completed in 2023. I’ll find ways to meet the goal in 2024.
Nothing stresses me out more easily or frequently than my financial situation. But, 2023 saw a change there that has alleviated some of the stress. In June, I was given a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I started to think of plans of what to do with the money. The plan was to save up to have enough to make a nice first payment on a new car. The car that I was driving was a 1999 Chevy Blazer that I had since July of 2000. I started with that car with 11,161 miles and ended with 268,331. Yes, it ended. The air conditioner in it died and I was told that it wasn’t worth fixing. So, my plan was thrown off and I had to scramble to get a new car, which I did. So, while I make more money, I’m making car payments now. I wasn’t completely prepared for it. But, while I’m able to afford it, it did set me back a bit. My number one goal is 2024 is to get my finances in order. I know that will require me to (possibly) cut back on some things. I often talk about balance. There’s usually a very big high in my life followed by a very big low. I don’t want that with my fiances in 2024. I just want balance. As in balanced books, accounts, etc.
My social life in 2023 was really good. Seriously good. And it wasn’t just good because of the people in my life, I think it was good because of my appreciation for things. I’ve really begun to appreciate my people a bit more. I think there’s various reasons for that, but overall, it was a very good year for me. And if you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of it. No matter how big or small of a part that you played.
So many times over the last few years, I said that my life had become surreal. It’s still quite surreal, but as I just said about my social life, I have such an appreciation for the surrealness. The surrealness is becoming part of my normal. I get to be a part of things that wouldn’t have seemed possible to me a few years ago. Now, I’m a part of so much and it’s amazing to me how much of I enjoy right now is directly from the 1990s. While that may cover a lot of ground, and I don’t have the time to get into specifics of it, since it would take a long time to type and I don’t want to bore anyone that bothers to read this. But, seriously, I can pinpoint various things from the early-mid 1990s and they’ve somehow led me directly to where I am today.
I’ve appeared in various music videos over the past two years. I’ve done backing vocals on an album. I’ve reconnected with friends. I’ve strengthened friendships. I’ve created new ones. I’ve really enjoyed it all.
And while on the subject of the 1990s, I started reading comic books again during the year. But, in order to not have more collections of things, I’ve been reading the digital versions, and I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying being back in that world again. Of course what I’ve been reading is mostly the new versions of stuff that I enjoyed in my younger days. But, it’s just so good to have it all be new again.
My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2024 to be better than my 2023. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s achievable. But, I think it’ll require a bit more effort than I put forth in 2023. I think the biggest motivation for me to put forth all of the necessary effort is that I’m pretty sure that I’m at the point (or beyond it, depending on your perspective of “norm”) where I have no choice. I need do to more to achieve more. When I look back one year from now, I hope to have good things to say about that. And moreso than other years, I think I’m in a good position to get it done. And, I think that I have more support and ability than I’ve had before. There’s 366 days in 2024. That gives me ONE MORE DAY to make it all happen.
1 – Katatonia – Sky Void of Stars 2 – Host – IX 3 – Dog Eat Dog – Free Radicals 4 – Dorthia Cottrell – Death Folk Country 5 – Bruce Soord – Luminescence 6 – Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks – Longing For Oblivion 7 – Within Temptation – Bleed Out 8 – Laid Back Country Picker - Go West 9 – Oxbow – Love’s Holiday 10 – Kings Never Die – All the Rats
From the moment that I heard the first notes of Katatonia’s Sky Void of Stars, I knew it would be ranked very high in this list. I’ve written about their influence on me a few times. You can read more about it by clicking here if you’re so inclined. I purposely didn’t listen to much of anything from this album before it was released, other than the few songs that they had put out as singles in late 2022. I’ve often gotten emotional while hearing their songs, especially when I see them live. Yes, their music impacts me THAT MUCH. But, with Sky Void of Stars, it wasn’t their lyrics that first gave me goosebumps, it was when I heard THEIR familiar guitar sound at about the one minute mark of the second song of the album, “Colossal Shade.” I knew that I was listening to something special just from that moment. As for the rest of the album, it is classic Katatonia. And by classic, I mean it should be thought of as one of their better albums. It’s that good.
Other than the already mentioned “Colossal Shade,” I really think that “Atrium,” “Austerity,” “Birds,” and especially “Author” stand out as some of the better songs on this album, which for the record, marks the 3rd time that I’ve given Album of the Year to Katatonia in the 20 years that I’ve been doing these lists. No other band has more than two Albums of the Year from me, which ties directly to the 2nd Best Album of 2023.
In 1999, Paradise Lost put out an album that a lot of fans and critics weren’t too crazy about, Host. I’ve ALWAYS liked that album. It was by far more electronic and less metal than Paradise Lost had previously done, but it fit within the direction that they were going at the time and if you listen to their progression, Host made sense. And regardless of what anyone else thought of it, Paradise Lost’s founders Nick Holmes and Gregor Mackintosh surprised the world by putting out a new album under the band name Host. The debut from Host, called IX, picks up exactly where Paradise Lost’s Host left off and is nine of the best songs that I never knew I needed. Seriously. I had often joked that I would love to hear Paradise Lost do more Host stuff, but for the most part, they ignore it. But, the Host project has filled that void for me. I can’t say enough good things about it.
Songs that I recommend from IX include “Wretched Soul,” “Tomorrow’s Sky,” “Hiding from Tomorrow,” and “My Only Escape.” And also, if you get the deluxe edition of the album, their cover of “I Ran.”
This is the 20th time that I’ve done a list of the Top Albums of a Year. If at any point since I started this in 2004, you had told me that Dog Eat Dog would release an album that would have distribution in the United States I would say “well, I really hope so.” If you had told me that not only would Dog Eat Dog put out an album in 2023 with US distribution, but I would be on it, I would probably have a lot of doubt and profanity in my reply. But, both are true. Dog Eat Dog released Free Radicals, their first full-length album since 2006’s Walk with Me and the first one that has been readily available in the US since 1996’s Play Games. And, as I hinted at, I am on the album. Yes, I was invited to participate in the Gang Vocals recording session, so my voice (along with a few others) is included in the choruses of some of the songs on the album. While this album does have a deep personal connection for me, I also believe that it would still be ranked this high if I did not have a part in it. It’s a good album. I’m proud of my (small) contribution to the album and proud that it’s ranked so high.
Some of my favorites from Free Radicals include “Lit Up,” “Never Give In,” “Time Won’t Wait,” ” @Joe’s,” and “Man’s Best Friend.”
The fourth Best Album of the Year is from an artist that I had never heard of until she was suggested by YouTube. Dorthia Cottrell is the singer for American Doom Metal band Windhand. And while I’m aware of them now, Cottrell’s solo album Death Folk Country is the one that was suggested to me and I immediately took a liking to it. This is really one of those albums that was designed to be listened to from beginning to end. I’ve enjoyed having it on in the background while I’m doing work and even while I’m driving. It’s solid from beginning to end and has a somewhat unique sound to it.
Even though I said that the album should be listened to from beginning to end, “Harvester” and “Family Annihilator” are probably my favorite songs.
Bruce Soord has appeared in my Top 10 lists before. His 2013 collaboration with Katatonia’s Jonas Renske, Wisdom of Crowds, was that year’s Album of the Year. He’s also appeared with his group, the Pineapple Thief. But, this is the first time that he’s on here with his solo stuff. Luminescence is such a solid album from beginning to end. If you’re not aware of Soord, but you like Porcupine Tree or Katatonia’s more recent albums, you should check out his work.
“Lie Flat” is my favorite song from Luminescence, but “Dear Life,” “Never Ending Light,” and “Stranded Here” are also good ones.
Like Bruce Soord, Lonesome Wyatt has appeared in my lists before, but not with his solo act. His other band Those Poor Bastards has been in the list of a few times. I’ve found Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks’ albums to be missing something in the past. But, 2023’s Longing For Oblivion is not lacking. It’s got everything that I like from Wyatt’s voice and the style that’s similar enough to Those Poor Bastards, but still distinct.
The albums title track, “Counting,” Walking Shadow,” “Something Out There” and especially “Time Makes Monsters” are the songs that I recommend.
Within Temptation is pretty consistent with their albums. I don’t think that they haven’t been ranked since I’ve been doing these lists and their 2011 album, the Unforgiving, was the Album of the Year. Don’t think that because Bleed Out is ranked 7th that it’s a slacker. It’s a very good album, but it just had better ones ahead of it this year.
Check out “We Go to War,” “Worth Dying For,” and the title track, which I really like.
Another act that is making his debut on my list is Laid Back Country Picker with his album “Go West. Laid Back Country Picker is described as “devoid of genre, pure music with one foot in the truckstop, the other in 1970s guitar rawk. Playing country music and treating people right.” And, I think that’s pretty accurate. From his unique look, his drummer and her unique look, and their unique sound, this was another pleasant suggestion by YouTube.
I recommend the title track, “Cooper,” and “LB’s Truth/Civillian Vic” as songs to search for.
The 9th Best Album of 2023 is from another band making their debut in my list, Love’s Holiday by Oxbow. I’m not certain, but I’m guessing that they were suggested to me by YouTube because they’re on Mike Patton’s Ipecac records. But, regardless of how I discovered them, I’m glad that I did. They’ve been around since 1989 and I may need to go back to and listen to some of their experimental noise.
Some of my favorite songs from Love’s Holiday include the opening track “Dead Ahead,” “The Night the Room Started Burning,” and especially “Lovely Murk.”
The 10th and final spot in my Countdown is one more band that is making their debut in my list, Kings Never Die. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing these guys perform live multiple times over the past few years and I’ve seen their evolution from when they started. Their debut full length album All the Rats is a solid hardcore record. But, what do you expect from a band that includes members of Mucky Pup/Dog Eat Dog, Murphy’s Law, Robots & Monsters, Wisdom in Chains, and Biohazard?
Songs that I think really stand out from All the Rats include “Were We Friends at All?,” “Side by Side,” “Stand for it All,” and my favorite song from them “Make Them Anymore.”
There were a lot of good albums in 2023. Some others could easily have been listed in my Top 10. Here is a listing of other albums that came out during the year (in alphabetical order by artist):
– Corey Taylor – CMF2 – I thought this was much better than CMFT. It had more focus and direction. – The Dark Side of the Moon – Metamorphosis – It got my attention, but didn’t keep it. – Dave Neabore – Star Feels – A very good EP, but it doesn’t qualify for Album of the Year. – Depeche Mode – Momento Mori – This was solid, but not great. – Duff McKagan – Lighthouse – I wasn’t familiar his solo work. I liked this album and will listen to more of his stuff. – Gov’t Mule – Peace… Like a River – Warren Haynes and crew are always good, but I need more from them if they’re going to crack the Top 10. – Incendiary Device – Incendiary Device – A decent hardcore album with short songs. – Invent Animate – Heavener – A good album by a band that I didn’t know before but want to hear more of. – King Dude – Nursery Rhymes – This was a very interesting and weird album. – Metallica – 72 Seasons – By Metallica standards, this was good, but not great. – Orbit Culture – Descent – see Invent Animate – Steven Wilson – Harmony Codex – Wilson’s solo albums are often more experimental than I can deal with, and after reuniting with Porcupine Tree and releasing album album last year, I want more of the Porcupine Tree sound. – Terrify – Side Effect – Another good hardcore album. – Troller – Drain – A dance/electronic band with a goth hint. I’ve heard a few things from them that I’ve liked. I think they’re good to play in the background.
I don’t know who will be releasing albums in 2024 other than Scott H. Biram, IDLES, Ministry, Per Wiberg, and Gost. I also know that Dark Tranquillity and 2016’s Album of Year winner, Lacuna Coil are working on things now. I’m hoping to hear good things from all of acts that I’ve mentioned and I also hope to find a lot of new acts, like I did this year.
A note about eligibility for my 2023 Album of the Year: – the album must have had a United States release date in 2023. – the album must be new material (for the band or artist). – live albums are only eligible if they’re new material.
What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of what’s to come? Am I afraid of what’s happening now? Am I afraid of what’s already happened? In order to attempt to figure out what I’m afraid of, do I need to know why I’m afraid of things? And how is it possible to be afraid of things from my past? Why am I afraid to type this entry? Why am I even more afraid to publish it? I would tell you that these questions keep me up at night, but I’ve been so tired lately that falling asleep usually isn’t an issue.
The future didn’t used to scare me as much as it does now. I’m getting old(er). I’m getting by in life. I’m surviving. I’m not thriving. I’m very much aware that I’m doing better than I’ve ever done before, but I haven’t been able to maximize anything to its fullest potential. Or is this the fullest potential? Questions like that may keep me up if I think about them.
The word “trigger” is used a lot to describe how someone responds to a situation. I’m often triggered by things that people say to me. Words that remind me of something that someone else said that wasn’t positive. I probably won’t tell the person that they’ve said something triggering. It could be because that I didn’t realize it as it was happening or maybe just because I don’t want them to feel bad about something they weren’t aware of.
Why can’t I tell someone if they’re upsetting me? What scares me there? Is it a fear? Is it just due to being told so frequently as a child that my feelings should be kept to myself? Is it due to me being told that my feelings were wrong when I actually did express myself?
Let me say something about that last sentence. I don’t know if feelings can be wrong. I’m all for “feeling what you need to feel when you need to feel it.” If you’re sad about something, be sad. Go through what you need to go through. It’s the only way to get better. And yet, I was told that I can’t do that.
In previous entries, I’ve talked about bullying and how much it impacted me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in a previous entry, but I clearly remember being shoved into a doorway in 8th grade and my immediate reaction was to apologize to the kid that shoved me. I was so afraid of going to school at that time. Should something like that still be traumatic for me over 30 years later? I don’t know, but that specific memory is a strong one.
How does something that happened to me in 1989 or 1990 impact how or why I’m scared of things now? It’s all part of the wiring in my head, my social skills, my ability to connect.
Being programmed to believe that I’m wrong about most things in life has made it very difficult for me to move forward in a lot of aspects. I’m sure that whatever issues exist, they’re my own fault. I’m not able to do anything. Why? Not because I’m necessarily actually wrong, but because I’ve been taught to believe that I am.
I really do believe that my awareness of these things is good. I would like to believe that I’m making SOME progress. I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to reprogram my circuits. Am I doing enough? What more do I need to do? Am I going in the right direction? Am I too scared to do more? Am I too scared to really dig into this?
This entry is a trigger for me. I feel like I’ve gone a little deeper than I had expected to when I first started thinking about it a week or so ago. I’m nervous now. Am I wrong to feel this way? I’ve been told that I am.
A LOT of my recent entries have talked about how well I’ve been doing. And, regardless of everything that you’ve read here, I still think that I am doing well. Even if I’m scared of so much in life, the past, the present, the future, I still think I’m going forward. Even if it’s all so terrifying at times.
There’s various ways to look at this, but I feel like my life’s always in a re-build mode. You could say that it’s good that I’m re-building something or you could say that it’s bad that I’m not on steady ground. I really don’t know which way that I should look at it. I doubt that I’ll have the answer by the time that I’m done writing this entry, but maybe by putting my thoughts out there in the world, I’ll have some clarity.
I know, without any question, that I’m so much better off than I’ve ever been. That IS a good thing. But, with every single step of progress that I make in life, there seems to be at least two backwards steps. I had a significant change with my job over the summer. With that change came a pretty decent increase in my salary. And less than one month after that increase came the NEED to get a new car. I had planned to put money aside for things and eventually look at cars. But, I literally had no time to do any of it. While the new car is good and I really like it, it’s a financial burden that I wasn’t quite ready for. So, no progress made.
I could go on and on about fiances. I’ve never been ahead. I’m usually just afloat. Any time that I have anything that I can call “extra money,” something happens and it’s gone. As I’ve said in many of my entries, this is not a “woe is me” story, nor am I trying to portray myself as a victim of anything. My situation is very common amongst my generation. I’m aware of that. I know how well I have it compared to others, and how much worse it could be. But, the lack of progress there really does weigh on me.
Another area in which I made some progress over the past year was my weight. In mid October of last year, I started a weight loss program that I really enjoyed. There were some great lessons in it. And I saw immediate results. I came very close to hitting my weight loss goal, but then I didn’t. I’ll get back to this in just a minute.
There’s a fitness program that I use. Progress is measured there in 13 week and monthly increments. I enjoy using this app. I enjoy each month when the rankings reset. I enjoy when I start a new 13 week cycle. However, very often in the middle of one or the other, I lose focus and give up. I’ll tell myself, it’s okay, I can start again when the next month starts. Yeah, I know, the old “the diet starts on Monday” line. I use it very often.
My mind’s self-destruct mechanisms are sometimes triggered by the scenarios that I just mentioned. It’s not just that I realize that goals won’t be met, it’s that I’ll do things that are completely contrary to the overall goal. For example, I know that I should eat healthier snacks/meals. But, it’s the last week of the month and I know that I won’t hit my goal. That’s when I won’t resist the donuts or the potato chips. I’ll binge on foods that I know I shouldn’t. And the enjoying of eating them doesn’t last as long as the shame does.
Spend less and eat better. It’s simple, right? No. It’s not. And I can’t explain it.
In what seems to be in another lifetime, I worked for a large retail chain. I remember them telling us about “dashboard management” to meet our monthly goals. The dashboard analogy meant that in order to get where you want to get, you have to know where you are. They didn’t say anything about a “self destruct” button if goals aren’t met.
The person that runs the fitness app that I use often adds the word “yet” any time anyone says that they can’t do something. “You can’t do that… yet.” If I applied the “yet” instead of the “self destruct,” I could conceivably have better results.
So, what’s holding me back? Is it time? Is it money? Is it fear? Am I capable of meeting goals? Am I afraid to meet them? As I’ve said, no matter how much progress that it appears that I make, I seem to never get closer to the goal. Is the goal moving? What can I do to fix it? Can I fix it?
I’m sure some of you reading this think that the answers to these problems are very simple. They probably are. Can I achieve more if I do less? I don’t know. There’s more questions than answers. Eventually, I would like to know the solution. The only thing that I know for sure is that a new month starts tomorrow and I have to keep moving forward, even if I’m not getting very far.
Very recently, I received a text from someone asking me if I enjoyed a particular Professional Wrestling show. That text confused me. When it was explained that my interests matter, it got me thinking about why that wasn’t normal to me. And thus, we have this blog entry.
Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Professional Wrestling, loud music, and various other things were the interests that I had as a kid that I was told were stupid and not worth my time. I was made to feel less than for liking them. Some of the things that I liked were mocked by classmates of mine. Just about all of them were belittled by my parents. It does a lot of damage to someone’s self esteem when they’re often told that the things they like are not worth it. It’s even worse when it’s everywhere.
As someone that is “middle aged” now, all of the things that I listed at the start of this are still my interests. I’m thrilled that Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and other pop culture things that I liked when I was a kid are going strong today. And I’m even more thrilled that I’m now able to freely enjoy them without the ridicule that I used to endure.
It’s not that there aren’t people out there that will mock those things or the people that like them, but I’ve now found outlets to discuss them and enjoy them with other people. I know everyone has different experiences in the world of Social Media, but I’ve found it to be a valuable tool for me. I have forums to go to for almost all of my interests. And I find it to be very good for me.
I’ve grown up a bit (finally). That doesn’t mean that I need to stop liking the things that I liked when I was 40 years younger. To me, it means that I’ve finally realized that it’s okay to like whatever you like and do whatever you want to do, as long is it’s not harmful to yourself or anyone else. Yes, that last sentence goes beyond enjoying random sci-fi TV shows.
As a kid, I didn’t really have any choice in the people that I interacted with on a daily basis. I would get mocked at school. I would be criticized at home. I had no outlet. If I was mocked at school for liking something that I was also criticized at home for liking, it made me feel ashamed of the things that I liked. Nobody should be embarrassed for having an interest or a passion for a TV show or movie. But, that’s what was done to me.
Realizing that I now have choices as to who I associate with, it’s very freeing.
I’ll be completely honest. There’s a lot of genres of entertainment that I don’t understand. I have friends that like things that I’m not interested in. How does it benefit anyone if I insulted those things or mock those friends for liking them? It would probably make those friends not like me, or at the very least not want to talk about them with me. And knowing how I’ve felt when it’s been done to me, I wouldn’t want to do it to anyone else.
Unfortunately for me, as much as I’ve said that it’s good that I have the outlets to discuss things with people now, so much damage was done for so long that I find it odd when anyone encourages me to share my interests with them. I should not be taken aback when someone texts me to ask me if I enjoyed the wrestling show that I watched the previous night.
I feel that my interests play a huge part in my identity. They partly define me. The belittling in my younger days helped cause the low self esteem that plagued much of my life. I’ve been in a good mental place for a long time now. Being allowed to be me and realizing that the overall majority of people in my life accept, like, encourage, and even share my interests is a good thing.
Everyone needs to find their thing and not be ashamed. I no longer feel ashamed of who I am. I no longer feel embarrassed or scared to discuss the things that I enjoy. I’m finally at the point where I’m proud of all of it. It took me a long time, and I didn’t do it alone. And I think that’s really the point of all of this. Encouragement really does go a long way and is so much better than the alternative.
Over the past few days I’ve been given some thought to what I deserve and what I’ve earned. For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time believing that I deserve good things or that I deserve to be happy. As I’ve gotten older and (hopefully) wiser, I’ve wondered if this is nature or nurture, which is a topic that I’ve brought up a few times in my entries.
Whenever I think about me not deserving good things, one specific memory comes to me. For one of my birthdays, I don’t know which one exactly, but I don’t think I was a teenager yet, I was told that I would be getting a television. I remember the TV very clearly. It was tan with a black and white picture. It still had knobs and an antenna. But, the story isn’t that I was gifted a TV. The story is that I protested it. Not because I wanted something different, but because I didn’t deserve it. Or at least, that’s what I kept telling my parents. I don’t know what triggered my lack of worth there, but I remember being very adamant about not being worthy of such a gift.
A different example of a time when I felt a need to suffer was later in life. If I have the timeframe correct, I had just turned 30 and had recently received some bad news. I remember locking myself in my room all day, with the lights out, the air conditioner not turned on (in late July), and just watching some movies. But, this wasn’t for enjoyment. This was designed to make myself feel worse and to deepen my depression. I felt a sense of satisfaction for this one though, because I succeeded in making myself suffer more by not being comfortable all day.
Where does this come from? Why have I been like this? My parents definitely contributed. But, again, is it nature or nurture? One of them attempted treatment for mental health issues. The other wouldn’t acknowledge they exist. Their own issues would get projected upon me, but also the way they treated me would add to it. Is that nature? Is that nurture? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth trying to figure out.
It wasn’t just my parents. I had a difficult time in school. While I was struggling with undiagnosed social anxieties and probably attention deficit issues, I would be mocked by classmates, put down by teachers, and punished by parents. In some ways, I was being punished just for being me.
I don’t know how in-depth that I want to get into some things here because I can already feel my anxiety rising just by what I’ve typed already. Yes, I know that it means that I’m touching on issues that I probably need to discuss more often, but I don’t know if now is the time.
Changing gears slightly, but keeping on topic, over the past few years, I’ve found new levels of comfort, enjoyment, and even some happiness. I say “some happiness” because I think “happy” is a like the platinum level of joy that I rarely attain. Although, then again maybe my programming doesn’t allow me to feel true happiness. See, I can’t get too far from the original topic in this entry.
As I attempt to keep on the positive note that I started in the last paragraph, I’m really grateful for a few people that have pointed out (some multiple times) how good that they think I have it, how the things I do are actually interesting, how I’ve lived a fun life, and how I’m doing good things. What I’ve realized about their observations about me is that the things that they’re talking about aren’t things that have happened recently, they’re things that have been happening for a while. In some cases, decades. But, I haven’t been able to fully enjoy them due to my inability to feel happiness and my need to suffer.
But here’s the thing, I’ve truly had some great moments over the past few years. I’ve often mentioned how “surreal” that certain aspects of my life are. I have such an appreciation for where I am now. I’m starting to believe that good things are actually good. I’m starting to believe that I’m allowed to have good things. Do I deserve this? I don’t know. Have I earned it? Maybe.
I’ve also noticed that the more and more that I do the things that I enjoy, the less that I doubt that I should be doing them. The less that I doubt, the more that I want to do. However, with all of that is still the voice in my head that reminds me that I “can’t” and that quitting is easier. I don’t hear that voice as much as I used to, but it’s still there.
Social media has been a great thing for me. From my days on AOL in the 1990s, to MySpace in the aughts, Facebook and others sites in 2010s and onward, they’ve helped me connect to people that have similar interests and needs. I’ve made legitimate lifelong friends from social media. And I think the point that I’m trying to make here is that by surrounding myself (even in a virtual world) with people who encourage me to be me instead of mocking me, putting me down, or insulting me for being me is what I needed all along. Who knows?
Maybe I should give less thought to where I’ve been and worry more about where I am now. Notice that I said “worry about where I am now” instead of focus. But regardless of how I worded that last sentence, I don’t want to not think about where I’ve been. Good, bad, or indifferent, where I’ve been got to me to where I am. And where I am is good. Or at least, it’s a lot better than it’s been before, and I want to stay here. I think I deserve it. Maybe, I’ve earned it.
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