I was on the treadmill the other day, which, if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you’ll know is a victory in itself. The struggle for consistency is a battle I fight daily, and some days, the snooze button wins. On this particular day, however, I had the right music on—some mid-90s alternative rock—and I was feeling pretty good, right up until the point where my knee started to remind me, quite forcefully, that I’m no longer a spry kid running in the park.
It’s always something, isn’t it? Just as one thing starts to click into place—the new running shoes are finally broken in, I’ve managed three solid days of mindful eating, I even finished that time management book I started months ago (the irony is not lost on me)—something else has to pop up to test my commitment. It’s my own personal, real-life quest for balance, and the world seems determined to keep the scales tipped wildly in all the wrong directions.
I’ve written about this before, about how for every personal win, there’s a setback waiting in the wings. It’s like a pro-wrestling script where the face (me, trying to be healthy) finally gets some momentum, only for the heel (Anxiety, physical pain, general malaise) to hit a cheap shot with a folding chair. Wham! Momentum instantly gone.
This time, it’s a new orthotic insert causing a different kind of foot pain, which then puts more strain on the knee that was already an “area of opportunity.” I laughed at the corporate jargon term when I was in retail, but now I see my life is just a series of those areas. Weight loss, time management, sleep quality—all opportunities for improvement.
The important thing, I’m trying to tell myself, is to not let the setback become the story. The pain is real, and it needs attention, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop moving. Maybe the new “remix” of my resolution is to swap the high-impact treadmill for some good, low-impact DDP Yoga for a few weeks. That’s the beauty of having so many tools at my disposal, I just have to remember to use them and not let the inertia of a temporary issue turn into a permanent block.
Because as I’ve learned from watching my favorite action heroes and villains, a good plan can always be adapted. Cobra Commander had a million schemes, and G.I. Joe always had to adjust on the fly. And hey, even if I have to scale back today’s workout, the simple fact that I put my thoughts into words here is a victory, right?
I’m working on seeing the opportunity, not the failure. I’m working on me.
Everything above here in this entry was written by AI. I asked Google Gemini to write a blog entry that sounds like me. It did. The amount of specific things that are mentioned is a bit marvelous and frightening at the same time. The Internet is a wonderful tool. AI is a wonderful tool. Sometimes I wonder if our technology is getting too smart for our own good.
I will be back in December with my 2025 Album of the Year blog entry and my usual year-end entry. And yes, I will have personally written them.
Like many people of my age, I spent many days after school watching G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero on TV. Along with Transformers, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Voltron, and Robotech, it was of my favorite cartoons. I always knew the cartoon was a little bit cheesy and the animation was cheap, but none of that mattered. I was fully entertained for the 30 minutes that I spent watching it.
There were a few episodes that stood out to me as favorites or very memorable. I even learned what deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) is from the 1986 mini-series in which Doctor Mindbender created a super human to lead Cobra by extracting DNA from the unearthed remains of some of the greatest generals and conquerors of all time as well as other notable historic figures. I was in 4th grade when I saw that and I very clearly remember being excited and proud that I knew the answer to “Does anyone know what DNA stands for?” when it was asked in my high school biology class. I knew the answer, and remember kids, knowing is half the battle.
But, when it comes down to just one episode that I say was my definite favorite, the one that I remember the most, it would be the one that aired on Tuesday, December 2, 1985. No, I didn’t know that date from memory, I went to IMDB.com to find it. The episode was called “Cold Slither” and in the episode Cobra Commander is informed that his organization is broke and he needs a quick scheme to make money. He comes up with the idea go have a gang that he often works with, Zartan and his Dreadnoks become a rock band to they can control the masses with subliminal messages, make money, and take over the world. It seems like a good scheme, right?
The band that they create is called Cold Slither and their eponymous song was a big hit, until GI Joe put a stop to all of, as they do.
I’m not going to spend this entire entry going over the plot of that episode, although, I could. But, if you want to see it, you can just click the link right after this sentence and enjoy its greatness for yourself. https://youtu.be/NGBpP2B83E8?si=X2N_YNay_UufKCsS
As I said, this episode was the most memorable of the series for me. For 40 years, the “Cold Slither” song was in my head. Occasionally, I would go back and watch it for fun. Last year, I even bought a Cold Slither t-shirt from 80stees.com, which does not sponsor me, but I’m plugging them anyway. So, as you can tell, I am a fan of that episode.
Earlier this year, I saw a post that there would be a San Diego Comic-Con exclusive 40th anniversary collection of Cold Slither action figures, featuring Zartan and the Dreadnocks in their Cold Slither attire. I thought that was pretty cool, and was glad to see this great episode getting some attention.
Just about two months ago, YouTube suggested a video to me, it was called “Cold Slither – Official Lyric Video, The Anthem That Shook the World.” Naturally, I clicked the link (and you can too, right here) and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it was a new recording of the classic Cold Slither theme song. I immediately went to the Google and discovered that there was a real band going around as Cold Slither now and not just that, they had played a show in conjunction with the San Diego Comic-Con, and were going to be playing a show when the New York Comic-Con would be happening just about on month later. Being that I live near New York City, I had to know more.
After confirming the date of the concert, I informed my girlfriend about the show and how much I wanted to go. She agreed to go with me, so I got the tickets. I listened to their full-length album a few times before going to the show. Yes. They have a full-length album, and it’s good. Is it good enough to appear in my Top 10 Albums of the Year blog that will be posted in late December? You’ll just have to wait to find out.
The show itself was loads of fun. They start off with the GI Joe cartoon intro, and then Cobra Commander appeared on a screen to discuss how he didn’t like being in New York, due to that incident on the Statue of Liberty in 1987 (see the opening of the 1987 GI Joe movie for that reference). From there, Cold Slither took the stage and played all of the songs from their album. The final song of their set was “Cold Slither.” The song from the episode. I sang along. Every word. I had a huge smile on my face, and I felt emotional. I’ll explain more about that in a minute.
The encore for the band was them coming back and singing “Cold Slither” again, but this time with more audience participation. At their San Diego show, the encore included an appearance by Jem (yes, the actual singer from the 1980s Jem cartoon) to sing the Jem theme. We didn’t get that, unfortunately. That would have been truly outrageous. Yeah, I said it.
When the show was over, the band did a meet and greet downstairs. They were all in character. Ripper handed out donuts while talking about how he wanted some grape soda, while Torch and Buzzer talked about how much they wanted some as well. As someone who knew the characters, I was loving every second of this. I got to speak to Zartan, the singer for a moment. I said “this may sound weird, or it may make a lot of sense, but I can’t thank you enough for tonight. I’ve been singing that song for 40 years and to be able to do it tonight was so much fun. Thank you. As you can probably tell, I’m a fan.” Zartan rolled down his arm band a bit to show me a GI Joe themed tattoo and he said “So am I. Thank you.”
While, on the surface, my conversation with Zartan was nice and it was just two people showing their appreciation for the legacy of the cartoon and the franchise, as a whole, it was a lot deeper than that. Being that I liked the band so much, I wanted to know more about the individual members and the bands that they’re in. Zartan is portrayed by Gus Rios. He’s played drums in bands such as Malevolent Creation, Gruesome, and Left to Die. That’s a good resume, but that it isn’t what made an impact on me. It was his story about depression, his attempt on his own life, and how as a child, his toys such as GI Joe and the Transformers were his friends.
I found that to be very powerful. I often locked myself away in my basement and played with the GI Joe and Transformers toys that I had. I would sometimes mix in the Star Wars toys too in a massive intergalactic war, but I digress. I don’t know if playing with the toys and feeling connections to the characters had as deep of an impact on me as it did with Gus Rios, but I could relate to his story. I’m glad that he was able to share it. Not just because it’s a good story, but because he’s with us and he got to enjoy being a part of the lore that he enjoyed so much as a kid.
You never know what someone is going through. You never know how much something as simple as attending a concert, even one that is featuring a band based on one episode of a children’s cartoon from 40 years ago, can mean to someone. I had a great time at that show. It was a very memorable experience. By no means did the show attract a large crowd, but it attracted people who were very passionate about what they were about to see (and some significant others that were with them to support them). And the people that bought the tickets enjoyed 60ish minutes of nostalgia in the form of heavy metal music, and some videos in which I’m pretty sure Cobra Commander indoctrinated all of us into his “ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.”
Was this a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me? It very well could have been. Yes, it meant that much to me, and others. The GI Joe and Transformers universe mean that much to me. Their recent co-existence in the new Energon Universe comic books is what brought me back to the world of comics. So, as I said those 60ish minutes were magical. And for the time that I was there, I felt like I was (said in Destro’s voice from the “Revenge of Cobra” mini-series) “on the roof of the world.”
My attention span is not good. And it seems to be getting worse. Staying focused on tasks during my professional and during my leisure times has been challenging lately. I’m not sure how to rectify this problem.
For a while, I had been using an app to list my daily tasks, but I’ve been neglecting that recently. I write down everything that I hope to accomplish during the next day. However, I often repeat items because I do not complete them.
I started reading a book earlier in the year about time management. It’s a pretty small book. I haven’t finished it. I’ve mentioned that before. The irony isn’t lost on me.
Sometimes I wonder if human brains are like computers that need to dump cache every once in a while. Do we hit capacity? Does it become more difficult to maintain focus or remember things as we get older, just naturally?
When I was attending elementary and high school in the 1980s and 1990s, I was called lazy and unfocused. If I were in school today, I would likely be diagnosed with a form of attention deficit disorder and I would be treated for it.
I’ve recently attempted mindful practices including some meditation, but during those sessions, my brain won’t shut up. The lessons being taught to me are often lost. I used to do workout sessions that lasted anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours. I’m lucky if I can focus enough for 30 minutes now. Although, 22ish minutes often seems ideal. I would blame my cell phone and the Internet for all of my distractions, but I don’t play with my phone during workouts or mindfulness.
If I’m watching a movie, I turn my phone off and for the most part, I’m fully engaged. But, at the same point, I don’t remember much of it when I’m watching sequels. I’m currently re-watching a TV show that I watched when it was first one about a decade ago. Other than one scene that I’ve re-played countless times on YouTube, I barely remember the show.
My current task at hand is this blog entry. I’m somewhat focused on it and I’m doing my best to not get distracted.
In these entries, I’ve often talked about how everything starts over at the beginning of the month. I could tell you how seriously I’m taking it with the start of a new month tomorrow, but why would you believe me if I keep having the same issues? Well, the way that I’m looking at it now is how I’m about repeat a few things that happened a few years ago and good results came from them. I’m hoping to see the same results. Of course, results don’t happen if one doesn’t do the work. And all know that the work is SO important.
Various things in my life need to improve. It’s my hope that if I get one thing going, the rest will get easier. I don’t expect everything to just fall into place, but with some improvement, I’m hoping that the path to self-improvement will become easier. I have somewhat of a plan. I should be able to….
In what seems like a lifetime ago, during my retail days, I would hear lots of corporate jargon. Upper management would feed us terms like “area of opportunity.” I couldn’t stand that term when I first heard it. I also didn’t really understand it. Now, I am a bit older. I’ve (possibly) become a bit wiser. I do understand it and I’m working on some areas of opportunity in my own life.
Understanding the term is not enough. It is important to understand that something I haven’t accomplished is not a failure. Something I struggle with isn’t a loss. Both are opportunities for improvement.
One thing in my life that I’ve had consistent struggle with lately has been my weight. No matter how much I want to lose weight, I haven’t been able to do it. I have so many tools at my disposal to be healthier and to get the work done, but I haven’t been able to do enough with it. I know that it isn’t just that I’m not getting results, but I haven’t done enough. I’ve had success before, and I will again. But, there’s more factors at play here too.
Another thing that I really need to time management. If I managed time better, would I be able to have more time to do some more work on exercise and my weight? I started reading a book earlier in the year about time management, but I still haven’t finished it. There’s irony there. One of the lessons that I read and learned from the book is about how people often sacrifice personal time in favor of work. We’ve been programmed to feel worse about not getting tasks done than if we don’t do something for ourselves. In my case, I think that I need to realize that my exercise/weight loss work is both personal and a task.
I like when I achieve goals. Even the simple ones like making sure that I come home to a clean room with a made bed after going out. Finishing a 5k race is a great feeling for me, even if my time is slower than it used to be.
Some tasks need more time and effort than others. I need to do more for myself. I need to find ways to get things done. I need to come up with ways to find, or make, time to guarantee that my goals are met. And that includes things like writing this particular entry.
I’m enjoying my life a bit more than I’m used to. Things are good for me. Perhaps I should put more focus on things like that and not the things that aren’t good. But, as I stated earlier, it’s the programming. My lack of success is more prominent in my mind than my success. But, if I changed my mindset, I would not think of lack of success as a failure. Instead, I should see it as an “area of opportunity.” Maybe then I’ll be enthusiastic about the opportunity to fix it. Enthusiasm is better for me than negative thoughts. I guess my mindset about areas of opportunity is also another area of opportunity for me to work on.
Just two months ago, I wrote an entry about the gratitude that I have for friendships. It touched on a few other things, but the inspiration for that entry was a brief conversation with a friend that I knew through running local 5k races. A few weeks ago, I read a post on Facebook that stated that 5k friend had died. I was (and still am) crushed. He had a heart attack at the very start of a race and that was it. That was a not so subtle reminder of how quickly everything can change.
I’ve definitely had my share of loss. I battle depression. I have anxieties. I’ve been dealing with all of that for years. Being down for so long and not having much to show for anything has made me appreciate so much of what I do have. I have so much gratitude for being here. I have gratitude for the things that I do. I have gratitude for my friends. I’m just very grateful. Perspective keeps me grounded, I believe. But, as obvious by what I said at the start of this entry, bad things can happen. And also, as I’ve often said in entries, it’s another reminder to “enjoy every sandwich” and take nothing for granted.
At one point last year I was at a Professional Wrestling show. I was talking about how grateful I was for the privilege of being gifted those seats and how surreal things can be in my life at times. I was then reminded that both of the people that both of the people that I was attending with could very well have not been there. To be clear, that doesn’t mean that they could have not attended. It means that they had both had scares over the year or so before and may not be with us anymore. I felt silly for being happy about expressing my gratitude for complimentary tickets, since in the grand scheme of things, that wasn’t the important aspect of that moment.
I’ve made jokes about my quest for balance and how I often achieve that by having major setbacks just as something really good happens. A good case being my new car two years ago. I just got a promotion and a significant pay increase. My car broke down very soon after that and I needed to get a new one. And there went my extra income. I’m very much aware of how much better off I am now with the new car. However, I don’t have the extra money.
Life, in general, is full of things like this. It seems that no matter how close I get to goals, something backfires somewhere. I’ve been proverbially under water for most of my life. And to make it worse, I can’t swim. But, I digress. I’ve been under water. Very often I see the life raft and I reach for it, but just as it’s within reach, I’m pulled back down.
My instinct is to shut down. My instinct is to make myself uncomfortable. My mind tells me that I deserve the suffering. My mind tells me that this is how it’s supposed to be. I know that isn’t the right way to do things. My overall shift from misery to gratitude has done wonders for me. I know that I’m so much better off (mentally and emotionally) than I’ve ever been. And yet, I’m still in the same place.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve made bad choices. I’ve also made some very good choices. In the very near future, I may have to make some difficult choices. I may need to make some big changes. As much gratitude as I have for all that I have, could I have more? Would having more in some places mean having less in others? I don’t know. How much time do I have to get things right if all I’m doing is trying to get them right? Will they ever be right? How perfect do I need things to be?
I think the path I’m on, while often a rollercoaster with lots of detours, roadblocks, and traffic stops, has led me to a fork in the road. There are various directions this can go. I want to be able to enjoy every sandwich and be successful. Perhaps I just need to modify my concept of what all of that means.
As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back as the 49th anniversary of my birth is just days away.
This upcoming birthday is a tough one for me. It’s the last one before the big “five o.” For the past few years, I’ve seen myself as being on a roller coaster slowly heading towards 50. And, I’m heading towards the last descent to it. That particular age milestone is on the horizon. I feel this reflective entry may be deeper than others I’ve made.
If I compare myself to where I was at this point last year, it’s a bag of mixed results. I was in a weird emotional place last year. I faced things that I’ve never faced before. I don’t want to face them again. I’m financially better off, in the sense that I make more money than I have before. I’m financially the same in the sense that my expenses don’t go down and I have trouble saving anything.
My weight has blown up to the highest that it’s ever been. I am very much aware of that. I know that as we get older, it is much more difficult to lose weight. Getting in shape also becomes harder. I’ve made good progress before and I WILL make good progress there again. It requires a lot more dedication and effort than I’ve ever put in before. It will need some lifestyle changes. I’ve been taught the lessons. I just need to put things in practice (again) and good results will happen.
Sometimes I wonder if my overall progress in life is stunted by emotional trauma. Can I not move past things into new chapters because I’m too scared to do it? Some of you may find this difficult to believe, but I do sometimes overthink things. Sometimes, a lot. I usually convince myself that I will fail if I do things differently.
One of the things that I’ve attempted over the course of the past year is to be more mindful. I’ve attempted daily (guided) meditation. I say “attempted” because I can’t shut my mind up when I do it. It drifts often. I don’t get too discouraged. The guides often say, “if you’ve drifted, now is a time to come back.” The truth of the matter is that I do enjoy my effort here. I feel that it’s helping me.
I’ve always had difficulty thinking about my future. This may go back to the trauma thing. I can’t picture what my life will be. I’ve only been able to see what it is and what it was. There’s been some change there as I’ve recently been able to see what I don’t want my life to be. If that makes sense. It does to me. That’s a good thing, right? I know what I don’t it to be. I just have to make sure to not end up where I don’t want to be. I believe that’s a step in the right direction.
I had planned to reference my first full length entry on this site during the course of this one. I will do so. When I went back in the archive, I looked at THE very first entry. I think it sums up the previous paragraph pretty well. Although, after reading it I wonder if I’ve made any progress in life. Am I overthinking all of it by saying that? Or, is it possible that the previous paragraph shows that I’m finally getting there?
The first full length entry that I did on here was called Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance. I published it just over 13 years ago. I’m still pursuing that balance. I’ve often joked that the balance is that I’ll be thriving in some parts of life while suffering in others. I wish that was less of a reality than I perceive it to be. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.
After reading that entry, I’ve realized that I didn’t discuss some things that I said I would. But, I digress.
Earlier this year I started reading a book about time management. It’s a really short book. The irony that I haven’t finished this book isn’t lost on me. But, I did get some valuable lessons from it. The one lesson that stood out is the importance of taking time for myself. Not in a selfish way, but to make sure that my needs are met and not to put sacrifice “me time” for work that can be done later. That doesn’t mean that I should procrastinate. It means that I should do those things when I can. I’m trying really hard to abide by that. It’s a difficult task at times.
I have said things that imply that I have doubts about the direction of my life. However, I assure you that it’s just due to my instinct. This instinct is due to the programming of my mind. I do believe that I’m heading in a good direction. I’m heading towards a life where I could get the encouragement that I’ve lacked, the fulfilment that I’ve never had, and the happiness that (dare I say) I deserve.
How do I get there? How does the impending milestone birthday next year fit in to this? Is 50 THE time to finally make these things happen? Is it the mile marker in which I decide if my life is a success or not? Life and time move so fast. They both seem to move so much faster as we get older. Earlier I said that I’m on the descent to 50. What if I’m not? What if the roller coaster that I’m on is actually climbing towards a peak? What if this isn’t a valley? What if I am actually rising?
Does it sound like I’m trying to convince you or myself of the possibilities? Both are probably true. Either way someone could believe it and it could end up being me.
My biggest hope right now is that when I write my entry one year from now, while I’ll be days away from 50 is that I look back at this one and say that I did believe in me. I want to be able to say that there’s obvious positive change and obvious progress. Time may be moving quicker, but there’s time to make it happen. I have work to do. We know the work is SO important.
Just a few weeks ago, I ran my first 5k race of the year. As I turned the first corner in that race, my eyes started to tear up. Not because of the abundance or pollen in the air, but because I was getting a little bit emotional. It’s pretty common for that to happen shortly after a race begins. But, this time, I wasn’t just thinking about the feeling I get for accomplishing a 5k race. It was more complex than that.
My mind was racing, quicker than my legs. To be honest, that’s not difficult at this point, but I digress. Just a few minutes before the race had started, I was talking to a friend who was also running. I know him because of the races that I run. We’ve run so many of the same races that we started talking at them and became friends. My mind went from “it was nice to see him” to “I’ve made friends during races” to “I make friends everywhere” to “holy cow, I have friends!”
Someone realizing that they have friends shouldn’t be a big deal. But, for me, at that (probably inconvenient) moment, it meant everything.
About 11 years ago, I wrote an entry talking about how lonely I felt. I always felt that. I could have been surrounded by people that I knew and was friendly with, but I still felt isolated and lonely. There’s been a few moments in the time since when people have told me that things that countered my feeling, and I’ve doubted it less and less, but that moment in that race, it really sunk in.
My hobbies include watching Professional Wrestling, going to concerts, watching old TV and movies, and running the occasional 5k race. I’ve made friends and acquaintances through every single one of those things. And yet for years, I still felt lonely. I didn’t feel alone, just lonely. Not anymore. Now, I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for things.
It’s taken me a long time to get here but I’ve arrived. How did I get here? It was a long journey. It took a lot of conversations. Some were with myself, which were probably not as productive as they could have been. The voice in my head likes to fill my mind with all of the doubt that it was programmed to believe. One particular conversation with a friend helped to push me over the proverbial hump when he told me that I manifested all of this by just talking to people. That sounds pretty simple, right? And obviously, it was true. But, for some reason, it never sunk in. I could be surrounded by all of those people that I knew just because I started a conversation with them and still feel isolated. But right now, at this very moment, even though nobody is near me as I’m writing this, I don’t feel isolated, lonely, or separated from people.
I don’t just feel connected to other people. I feel connected to myself. Maybe that was the key to unlock the door? I’m not going to analyze that thought too much right now. But, I am proud of myself for realizing it and for thinking of that wording.
What did I just say there? “I am proud of myself.” I used to never be able to say that and believe it. Now, I do believe it. If being ashamed is the opposite of being proud, I don’t know if I was every truly ashamed of myself, but I just wasn’t proud. I was made to feel ashamed of myself, often for things that others had done. That weighed me down for years. Positive reinforcement can do wonders for someone. It just takes a lot longer to undo the piles of negativity that have been placed on top of you.
As I’m writing this, I’m less than 24 hours away from running in my 50th official 5k race. I can’t help but think “wow” when I think about that. My finish times are slower than they used to be. I’m working on that. But, while running ONE 5k, let alone 50, is something that should be celebrated, this entry isn’t about my physical races. It’s really about the race inside of my head. And from where my mind is right now, it looks like when I turned that corner a few weeks ago, I really did turn a corner.
Over the past 15 years, I’ve told people that “it never gets better, it just gets easier.” In general, I stand by that. But some days, it’s not as easy as others. One day per year, this one in particular, is one of those days.
I may not clearly remember what I did yesterday. However, the events on this date, 15 years ago, are etched into my memory with incredible clarity. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long since I lost my mother. The more I think about it, the more I realize the passage of time. In just two years, I’ll have been without her for half as long as I had her. I think that fact alone is what is hitting me the hardest today.
I’ll never have a more complex and complicated relationship with anyone than I had with her. I’m completely sure of that. I don’t know where I would be today if things turned out differently. I don’t know what path I would have traveled in life. For the most part, I like where I am today. I’m in a much better mental and emotional place than I’ve been in for a very long time. I appreciate so much more than I used to. Would I be here now if things were different on this date in 2010? As much as I love a good “what if?” story, it’s probably for the best if I don’t go there.
There’s a lot of things that I want to say and there’s a lot of things that I’ve never said about all of this. I know that talking about things is good, but I don’t know what the point of discussing all of it would be. It won’t change anything. I can’t change anything.
And since I don’t know what else to say about everything right now, I’m going to do the do the same thing that I’ve done a few times in the past and go back to the first time that I publicly spoke about any of this and re-post a blog entry from 2010 that I originally posted on MySpace.
Thanks for reading.
My Guitar Gently Weeps July 8, 2010
Being that my birthday falls in the beginning of July, I see my year split into equal halves. I’ve discussed this in previous blogs. I’ve also discussed how I usually get very reflective during this time of year. I look back on the year and try to figure out where it’s gone and then figure out where I need to go. For the past two months, I’ve been more reflective than ever. I’ve not just looked back on the last six months, but I’ve looked back on 34 years that I had with my mother.
I lost her at the end of April and it’s been a rough few months ever since. I’m not going to get into details about the circumstances, as I don’t feel the need to do so. As a generally private person, I feel there are certain things that should remain private, so that’s what I’m going to do here.
For almost 34 years, she was here with me. For almost 34 years, I had a meal waiting for me every day. For almost 34 years I knew what I was coming home to. And since the end of April, I don’t have any of that.
One of the things I’ve noticed about my memories of my mother is how perspective on them has changed. Many of the things that had negative thoughts associated with them have been pushed aside and positive thoughts are prevalent now.
My mom and I were both die-hard New York Yankees fans, but didn’t go to games. She spent a great deal of her childhood in the Bronx and went to countless games at the Old Yankee Stadium when it was in its original form. It tore her heart out when they renovated it in the 1970s. She often told me of the tears she shed while going past it on a train and seeing the walls being torn down. She was pregnant with me on April 15, 1976 when they had the grand opening of the new Yankee Stadium. The changes were so severe that she never wanted to go back. While I was always a bit upset that she didn’t want to take me to games, her stance on the ballpark helped to create my old school baseball purist mentality. For those of you asking why my dad didn’t take me to games, well, he grew up in a National League/Yankee-hating household, so it wasn’t an option.
When old enough to go to games on my own, I finally did. I managed to see some good ones too, including David Cone’s Perfect Game in 1999. Ironically, my mom was originally going to go to that game with my sister, but the heat was too much for her that day and she backed out. Her not going allowed me to go.
2008 was the last year the Yankees played in that particular building and I told her she HAD TO go to a game with me at that place. There were no options. On April 6, 2008 we finally attended a game together. It was a chilly Sunday afternoon game. We saw the Yankees beat the Tampa Bay Rays, 2-0. The score of the game was not important to me, all that mattered to me was that I finally got to a game with my mother.
And a little side note, the Yankees have since moved to their new stadium, and I haven’t gone to it. I wonder where I get that from.
While we didn’t agree on many things musically, there was one artist that we always agreed on, Dion. She grew up in his neighborhood, and kind of knew him from the town. While she was more of a fan of his early doo-wop stuff, I liked his late 80s stuff and the blues albums he did over the last few years. We got to see Dion perform in 2009. I knew it was going to be a special time, but I had no idea how special it was going to be. The smile I saw on my mother’s face that night was amazing. She had been brought back to her childhood and the more simple things that go along with it. He played all of his classic songs and told stories of the neighborhood, and my mom was hooked on every word. It was seriously one of the best things I had ever seen, she was overwhelmed with joy.
Ironically, my mom often said I go to too many concerts and didn’t think I needed to see the same band over and over again. Dion was playing in our area again a day or so after the show we saw and she had thought about getting us tickets to that show as well, but unfortunately for us, it was sold out.
Obviously, there was a lot more to my mother’s life than the Yankees and Dion, but they played a huge part of her life. It’s all about her time in the Bronx, and one those two particular days I was able to bring her back to things from her childhood, and what I saw in her face those days was just magic to me.
I’ve had to learn a lot of things very quickly over the last few months. Things that I probably should have known earlier, but didn’t need to know, since she took care of them. Things like cooking and how to properly take care of our birds. I think I’m doing a decent job adjusting to that. The cooking part will take some work, but what I’ve done so far has been good.
Another thing I learned, and again, I probably should have realized this before is just how incredible my friends are. The support they’ve given me during this time has been downright amazing. They’ve greatly helped me get through my days and provided me with a great outlet when I need it. But should it surprise me? That’s what friends do. I just hope that I can be as good to them when it’s needed as they’ve been to me.
This entry is about time. What does that mean? Maybe you should take the time to find out.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines “time” as “A finite extent or stretch of continued existence, as the interval separating two successive events or actions, or the period during which an action, condition, or state continues.” Based on that definition, we’re all clear on what it is, right? Okay. So, I don’t need to continue with this entry, do I?
I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How much do I spend? How much do I waste? Do I have enough? I think the same questions about money, but unlike money, once time is spent, it’s gone. It cannot be replenished. The thing about time is once it’s gone, it’s gone. Can we add to it? How? I can make more money, can I make time? Much like money, time is a commodity. But, that’s really all that they have in common. How we spend our time is very important. We need to make the most of it, but how? That’s the big question, isn’t it?
It may be redundant to say that time can seem like an eternity. I’m proud of that last sentence, but I digress. While it may seem like an eternity at times, it also goes by so quickly. And it seems to speed up as we get older. And let’s not forget that 2020-2022 Pandemic times when every day seemed to blend together.
Does time exist? Much like everything else that governs our lives, time is a man made concept. 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. Between 28 and 31 days in a month. 12 months in a year. Some years have 365 days, some have 366. For a certain period of time during the year, we set our clocks back to extend our availability to daylight. If I fly from my most local airport on the East Coast of the United States to an airport on the West Coast, I will have traveled through three different time zones. How is any of this possible? Am I a Time Lord? No, it’s just because time is made up.
When I was a kid, I remember a character on a local radio show (which I’ve later learned was a syndicated character sold to various radio stations, but I digress… again) who would state “Time is a waste of time. Time is the enemy!” Is time a waste of time? What constitutes wasting time? If I sit around and relax or rest, am I not using the most of my time? Is it wrong to see that as saving up energy for a later time?
I’ve taken too much time (which is open to interpretation) reading a book about time management. I think that I’ve learned some valuable lessons from that book. Although, it could be argued that by taking so long to read it, I haven’t learned anything, but once again, I digress. We put such value on our personal time, and we should. But, we’re more likely to cut our personal time than our work time. We’re so afraid to not finish every bit of work that we have to get done that we don’t maximize our down time. And way too often, we use our down time, our relaxation time, just to prepare to spend more time doing non-leisure things.
Earlier, I asked how do we make the most of our time? What does that mean to you? It means something different to everyone. On many days, I’ll feel like I’ve made the most of my time by getting a lot accomplished, be it work or leisure. Yes, being completely caught up on Days of Our Lives or reading comic books counts as getting stuff accomplished. And of course, the logo of Days of Our Lives is an hour glass, which is used to measure time. So, of course it ties in here. Yes, you guessed it, another digression.
We know that we cannot replenish time. We’re always running out of time. Is that why we rush through things? Is that why we don’t “take our time?” What does it mean to waste time? How can we make up time? How much time have I spent thinking about this? How much time has it been since I started writing this entry? How much time was spent being distracted by my parrots calling for me or my need to get laundry done? Why does laundry always take up so much time? How does anything take “too much time” when time isn’t a real thing, but only a concept?
I think we’ve been wondering about things like this since the beginning of time. But, when did time begin? How did time begin? Does it really end? Is there really such a thing as the beginning of time or the end of time?
If we can’t go backwards in time, once the past has passed, why does it linger?
My subscription to Time recently lapsed. That’s the magazine, not the concept of time.
How much time do any of us spend just thinking about time? How much time does it take to get something done? How much time have we spent doing this or doing that? How long will it take to cook dinner? How much time will I save if I use the microwave? What if we don’t have enough time to cook something? We can just order something and have it delivered. And you know what? It’ll take about the same amount of time that it would have for you to cook something.
I’ve put a lot of time and thought into this entry. My guess is that you’ll save time by skimming through it or not reading it at all. But, I do appreciate the time that you’ve spent even thinking about reading this. I hope you appreciate the time that I put into writing it. Until next time.
In last month’s post, I discussed how much I can’t stand bullies. I also talked about how the current American President is a bully. I’ve continued to see him act as a bully. I almost discussed how much I can’t stand intolerance and bigotry. I’ve seen more intolerance and bigotry.
I’ll be completely honest, I have no idea what to write here today. Based on what I’ve seen on the news over the past week, I’m at a loss for words. I’ve witnessed the American president lying about easily provable facts. Other countries’ leaders have corrected him. He then continues with the lie. I’ve watched as the United States of America sides with Russia and North Korea in refusing to condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. I’m stunned into silence.
I enjoy history and politics. I wish that I had enjoyed history in high school as much as I do now. Yet, that’s neither here nor there. I read a lot about American history. I like watching documentaries about it. I like listening to podcasts and discussions about it. I think that I have a pretty good understanding of it. With that understanding of history comes an understanding of which policies are better for society and which are not. And with that comes the understanding of which sides proposes policies that are better for society and which side proposes policies that are good for the few.
I try not to use the words “Republican” and “Democrat” when I discuss policy because the parties have switched. Yes, it’s true that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and he freed the black slaves. Yes, it’s true that the founders of the KKK were Democrats. Those are indisputable historical facts. But, it’s important to understand how they’re almost irrelevant today based on the current political alignment of the two parties.
Teddy Roosevelt left the Republican party in the lead up to the 1912 Presidential Election. He took the majority of the progressive Republicans with him. They eventually started to side with the Democrats. By the time Franklin Roosevelt was President, the Democratic Party was almost all of the Progressives. The Civil Rights movement of the 1960s further prompted the shift. Conservative Democrats who were still around moved to the Republican party. This move (more or less) finished the switch.
When I registered to vote, I registered as an independent. I had the mindset of “I’ll always vote for the best person, regardless of political party.” And, I still think that’s the best concept to have. But, the concept isn’t as good as the reality. I am no longer and independent. And I’m proud to be registered as a Democrat. It’s increasingly more clear every day. This is especially true in the past few years. It’s the Left and the Democrats that do more for society.
A few years ago, I read (former Senator) Al Franken’s autobiography. I loved the book. Why wouldn’t I? It was about someone who was a Senator, a writer for Saturday Night Live, and someone whose opinions I basically agreed with and understood. He spoke very well about why he was a Democrat. He watched as Republican policies held people down. He spoke about how it was Progressive policies that helped family members of his get out of their financial struggles. He got it and he did his best to keep it going while in office.
I’m closing in 50 years of age. Many people in my generation are struggling with money. Very few Generation X married couples can survive on single income households, like our parents did. What’s different? Did our parents work harder? No, the economic balance switched. When our parents were growing up under the economy that Franklin Roosevelt set up after the Republican Great Depression (as it was originally called), the people who had the most money were taxed the most and the working class were taxed less and could provide for their families. When Ronald Reagan changed the tax system in 1981, he basically reversed it. The rich were taxed less and tax increases on the middle class were common.
Since 1981, there’s been more tax cuts for the rich and more tax increases on everyone else. It’s simple to see the impact that this has. Our infrastructure is crumbling. Our schools are failing. People cannot make ends meet. It doesn’t take a statistician to figure it out.
How does economy and Right vs. Left policies tie into the bullying and bigotry that I started with? All you have to do is look at what’s happening. The Right is in control at the moment. They’re using the power that they have to bully anyone that they feel is weaker than them. They’re using their power to bully minorities via policy and poverty. They’re using their power to push LGBTQ citizens back “into the closet.” And since the “leader of the free world” is the biggest and loudest bully out there right now, so many others feel emboldened by his words and actions.
The Left meanwhile, for over 100 years, has been trying to provide healthcare, equal rights, and economic stability.
We are not the same. I want nothing but the best for everyone. I don’t want people to feel less than. I don’t want people to be treated as less than. I want people to have equal rights, equal opportunities, and success. The only way to do that is with progress. And we’re currently going backwards. It’s not good. I haven’t lost hope. I’ve just become very discouraged. But, what I’ve learned about history shows me that I’m on the right side, the compassionate side. And eventually, it will be okay… at least, I hope so.
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