Category Archives: Depression

At Life’s Four-Way Stop

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It’s that time again, it’s the end of the year. It’s time for me to ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Two years ago I said yes, last year I wasn’t sure. This year I don’t think I am. I have way too many questions, not enough answers, and (what I see as) a lack of any real forward movement in my life.

With that said, there is one area of my life where I think I made drastic improvement, and that is being able to identify and deal with my depression and anxieties. However, I believe it’s mostly because I have fallen into a pretty bad depression and I have more anxieties. So, basically there’s more to work with there.

Overall, 2014 was a challenging year for me. I started off the year unemployed and not knowing if I was going to be collecting unemployment. A blizzard in early January made the wait to find out even longer as the Unemployment offices were shut down due to a state of emergency. To make a long story short, I did end up collecting, but I also was employed by the end of January. There’s good news and bad news about my employment. The good news is that I actually do like my job. The bad news is that my salary is the lowest it’s been since the late 1990s. It’s a weird trade off for me, but it’s one I was willing to do in 2014.

My low salary has not helped my stress levels though. While I remained debt free in 2014 and have not used a credit card in almost five years, I am just getting by. I sometimes joked that I work just to be able to afford enough gas in my car to get me to the supermarket to buy whatever food I can afford, with as many coupons as possible. I don’t dislike eating Ramen noodles, but I also know it’s not exactly healthy, but it’s sometimes all I can afford.

I don’t know if I can say that my social life is better off than it was. While I KNOW that I have more legitimate friends than I’ve had before, I’ve also never felt lonelier than I do now. This is a subject I’ll probably get into in more detail in a future post, but my inability to connect, or reconnect, with certain people has taken its toll on me. I can most assuredly tell you that if I were to leave my house more often or hang out with people more often, it would not necessarily help me. My social anxieties have also become heightened. I’ve gone from being slightly uncomfortable in social settings to almost outright dreading them.

My depression levels have risen to such heights…
wait, is that possible?
My depression levels have sunk to such depths that my motivation to do almost anything is not there. I barely leave my house on weekends. On some recent weekends, I’ve barely left my bed. I will sit in my room watching clips of things on YouTube because I don’t have the attention span for anything beyond 4 minutes.

I wanted to read one book per month in 2014. I ended up reading ONE book. However, does it really count since I started it in late 2013?

One aspect of 2014 that I am truly proud of is my running in five 5k races. All five of them were better times than the races I had run in previous years. I went into detail about my feelings on these races in a previous entry. I will likely run more races in 2015, but as of now, I don’t know when.

I did have some specific fitness goals for 2014. One of which was met ever so briefly. My default weight seems to be about 205 – 210 pounds. It seems that getting under that range is not too easy for me. Surpassing that range is a lot less difficult than it used to be. But, I wanted to be under 200 in 2014. I started the year at 204. There was a point in 2014 where I dropped to around 195 pounds. I would have liked to have been proud of that accomplishment, but it was immediately after something upset me and eating and/or holding food in was slightly difficult. I felt my depression robbed me of being proud of my accomplishment. And I’m back up to around 210 pounds.

The other specific fitness goal I had for 2014 was to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. Well, I’m still not even close. However, I did not try often. I only did the routines that it’s featured in a few times. I’ve more or less planned out my entire year of DDP Yoga workouts, so let’s see if I can get it done this time.

One other thing that happened to me in 2014 is something that I see as a mix of good and bad. I wrote some particularly deep blog entries and judging by some of the responses I received from people, I may actually be helping people with their issues. When I received text messages from some friends after one of my entries and those messages included them telling me how much they mean to me and/or telling me of their own battles with depression, I felt good. Not good that they’re suffering, but that my little blog here actually gives them support and comfort. Yes, I know this is a good thing that I’m writing about. A problem that I have with it is that regardless of the compliments, support, and friendships, I still feel lonely and insignificant. I wish that was different.

I have used the exact same New Year’s Resolution for the last few years, and it’s simply “to make it better” in the new year. Going into 2015, I’m not even sure what “it” is, but I know I want things to be better for me. I really NEED things to be better for me. I don’t want moments of hope to turn into months of despair. I don’t want brief glimpses of happiness to be washed away by harsh realities. I want my moments of hope to turn into real sustained happiness. Of course, I don’t know how possible any of it is. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t keep going…
Even if I don’t know where that destination is.

I Trust the Speed Until I Have No Need to Run Anymore

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As I was training for one of the 5k races I ran over the last few months, someone asked me if I loved running. I paused for a moment and said “Not really, but I do love crossing the finish line.” It was at that moment when I realized how much crossing the finish line really does mean to me. Yes, I’ve written about the races I ran in 2012 and 2013 and the feeling of accomplishment I had when I finished those races, but this year it was different. I didn’t just do one race this year, I did five. I set personal records in 3 out of the 5. But I still don’t think that alone was what it was all about for me this year.

My depression has consumed me for much of this year. I’ve become much more aware of it than I used to be. I’ve realized just how much of my daily life is dictated by my mood. I’ve realized that it’s a vicious cycle that I haven’t been able to break. How does running 3.1 miles have anything to do with that? It’s actually simple when you think about it. When ever I cross that finish line, I’ve accomplished something that cannot be taken away from me. And the feeling of victory I have when I cross that line is not something I’ve often experienced.

In 2012 I ran my first 5k and completed it in 29 minutes and 45 seconds. I was VERY proud of that accomplishment and what that entire day meant to me. In 2013 I ran the same race in 32 minutes and 12 seconds. I didn’t do as well, but I still finished and still felt accomplished. My racing was limited to just that one race in each year due to the work schedule I had at the time. My schedule wasn’t the same this year, so I was able to do more races and I ran five of them this year.

The first one I did was the same race I had done in 2012 and 2013, it was my town’s annual 5k race. I did not slow down to walk until a bit after the first mile, which I crossed at about 8 minutes and 40 seconds. I knew I was on a good pace, but a little past that first mile I started getting a pain in my right side, so I had to slow down a little bit. I kept going and changed it up from a run to a walk when needed. This race ends at the racetrack at the town’s high school. When I turned the corner of the track and saw that I was just over 29 minutes, I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 24.5 seconds. I had beaten my best time by 20 seconds. My only real goal for that race was to be under 30 minutes again, since I didn’t feel too confident going into it. My goal was met.

The next race I did was a few weeks later. The path for this race was not too hilly, but had a lot of incline in it. The incline worried me and I felt that crossing the finish line at about 30 minutes and 15 seconds would be good for me. But, I also knew that as long as I finished the race, I should feel proud. Despite the having slight difficulty breaking out of the pack at the beginning of the race due to so many young kids grouped up in front of me, my first mile was 8 minutes and 20 seconds. I didn’t expect that. And once again, shortly after that first mile, the slight pain in my side started and I had to slow it down a bit. When I made that final left turn and saw the finish line, I saw that the clock had JUST crossed 29 minutes, so again I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 14.4 seconds. One minute better than my goal and 10.1 seconds better than my previous best time! I was quite satisfied with myself.

My third race of the year was a bit more challenging for me. It was raining a lot during the race and I had never run in conditions like that before. Due to the weather, I didn’t put any pressure on myself to set a personal record, I just wanted a time that I felt was respectable. When I got the one mile marker at just 8 minutes I started to reconsider that personal record thing. I knew it was now attainable. Somewhere around the 2 miles point there was a stretch of a block or two that was unpaved and the ground was ripped up. I did not feel comfortable running in that, so I walked that portion. That worked out somewhat in my favor because my glasses were completely fogged up and my side was hurting. Once I wiped off my glasses and got past that area, I picked up the pace. A minute or so later, I noticed my left shoelace had come untied. I stepped onto a sidewalk and fixed that and then ran a bit. Once the finish line came into view, I saw that it was again just past 29 minutes. I had a chance to set a personal record again, but I crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 18.4 seconds. I missed my record by FOUR seconds. Yeah, it bothered me a little bit since I got my confidence up early in the race, but I was still incredibly proud of my accomplishment given the conditions I was not used to.

The 2nd, 4th, and 5th races that I ran this year were part of a series of a “Triple Crown” that three towns sponsored. And before the 4th race, I saw various posts online that said because it was a “fast and flat” race that many people set personal records on it. Well, this time I actually set forth to do so. I had 3 goals for the race. The first was to be under 29 minutes, the second was to at least set a new record, and the third was just to finish. My feelings of accomplishment would be good if I did any of those. Much like my 2nd race of the year, I had a hard time getting out of the pack at the beginning. This time, not only did I have a lot of children in my way, but I had dogs as well. Yes, there were dogs in this race. I got to the 1st mile marked at about 8 minutes and 45 seconds, so I didn’t think I was on pace for a personal record, but I still had some energy so I kept running for a little bit longer than I normally do past that mile. I noticed that I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes, so I had picked up some time. I also felt the last 1.1 miles were good for me. And this time, I made a right turn to the finish line and again, it had just crossed over to 29 minutes, so I put every last bit of energy I had into it and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 12.9 seconds. I didn’t finish in under 29 minutes, but I did set a new personal record. Again, I was quite happy with myself.

The third portion of the Triple Crown and the final race that I intended to run in 2014 was on a very chilly morning. It was only about 35 degrees out and I was concerned about my lungs and their ability to handle the cold air. I was appropriately dressed for the race, but it was still a concern for me. My three goals for the last race were in effect here too. My first mile issue of not being able to break away happened again and I crossed the first mile at 9 minutes. I figured that a sub-29 minute race was now impossible, but a personal record was not. When I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes and 30 seconds, I started to again think about that 29 minute thing, especially since I knew I had already gotten past the one big incline this path had. However, the last 1.1 miles was rough for me. I wasn’t able to keep up the pace and ended up crossing the finish line at 29 minutes and 40.4 seconds. It was my slowest finish of the year, but I was not in the least bit upset.

Out of 61 males to complete all 3 portions of the Triple Crown, I finished in 47th place. I am very proud of that. The people that won those races finished them in times that I can’t begin to comprehend. But I’m sure they’ve been doing this a lot a longer than I have. And I’m also not ever concerned about “winning” a race. To me, crossing the finish line IS winning.

I finished five races this year, all under 30 minutes. In 3 of the 5 I set personal records. My consistency is pretty damn good. There’s only 28 seconds separating my fastest and slowest finishes. And each and every time I crossed that finish line, regardless of the time, I had accomplished something. I finished something. And each and every time, it meant something.

I am generally lethargic, unmotivated, and not disciplined enough to get things done. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as “just doing it” for me. But, these races have shown me that it is possible to accomplish something. I do put forth time and effort into training for them, but very often I feel that I won’t be able to do get it done. It’s my nature to doubt myself. It’s also my nurturing to doubt myself. But, maybe I can use these races as a catalyst to better things for me. Because on five separate occasions this year I was able to start something and just under 30 minutes later, I was able to finish it. And while the high I feel from crossing those finish lines does eventually go away, the accomplishments live forever, and that’s something that not even my depression can take away from me.

Isolated Myself for the Sake of Freedom

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I am not alone. I understand that. I know that many people go through issues that are similar to mine. I know that many people suffer with various degrees of depression and anxiety. I know that many people deal with the feelings I deal with. And while I may feel like I’m a part of something and I know I’m not alone, I’ve also never felt so much apart from anything and I’ve never been lonelier.

How does that make any sense? It makes perfect sense to me, even if I can’t make sense of it. Does that make sense to you?

You may see me in a social setting. It may be a large gathering. At that large gathering, you may even have a conversation with me. But how long does that conversation last? It’s very likely that I’ll just leave and stand by someone else for a few minutes. This cycle will repeat until I eventually leave the situation completely. No, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I’m not trying to pay attention to you. It just means that I’m not comfortable in social situations but I am making an effort to fit in.

I have a difficult time bonding with people. I’ve discussed that before. I’ve noticed that the people I’ve most recently gotten somewhat close to are people with similar social issues. I almost want to laugh about it. How we can bond at all is confusing to me. But then again, the concept of bonding and connecting to people confuses me in general.

Very early in life I was taught (or taught myself) that it’s better to by myself than be with people or situations that weren’t good for me. This particular philosophy was reinforced to me by people that didn’t do much in the way of socializing with anyone and often created rifts in the few relationships they did have. But, was it really a bad concept? Who wants to constantly be unhappy?

So, how does my lack of ability to bond with people and my separation tendencies tie together? I think fear is a major factor there. I am not good at connecting to people, and I’m confused and scared when I do. I am afraid to start a conversation with you, so I won’t. I have been shunned and rejected enough in life that it’s made me afraid to be shunned and rejected again, therefore it’s likely I won’t even put myself in the position to have it happen. It’s also likely that if you do get close me, it may cause me to panic, and I may try to escape the situation.

At the beginning of this entry I stated that I’ve never felt lonelier than I do now. Yet, I’ve been explaining how I don’t/won’t make an effort to contact or meet people and that I’ll run away from people. So again, I ask, does that make any sense to you? Because, it makes perfect sense to me. It’s my “normal.”

These behaviors and traits I’ve described and deal with are common with certain depressive conditions. I’ve been diagnosed with one where it’s very prevalent. I am not using that as a reason to justify or defend my (lack of) actions. There is nothing to do justify or defend, although I have been known to apologize if I realize that I’ve run away from people I actually do like. As always, I’m writing this to offer some understanding for me and for you.

I don’t know if I like being by myself. I’m just very accustomed to it. I’m physically by myself a lot, and emotionally by myself even more. I am distant. I am sheltered. I am isolated. None of this means I don’t want to hang out with you. None of this means I won’t hang out with you. Sometimes it just means I NEED to be by myself. I hope someday that need will be smaller, but until it is, I’ll be here. And it’s very likely that I’ll be here by myself, even if you’re with me.

It’s Not Your Fault.

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On April 4, 1994 Kurt Cobain killed himself. I was almost 18 years old. I knew he was depressed because I was told he was. I shed a few tears that day, but mostly only because he was a musician I liked and he was dead. But seriously? He had it all, didn’t he? Money, fame? What else did he need?

On August 11, 2014 Robin Williams killed himself. That was just yesterday and I’m now 38 years old and I’ve shed many tears over a man who I’ve never met. Why? Is it because he was an Academy Award winning actor and comedian that I liked and he’s dead? No, it’s because depression claimed another one, and I this time, I understand it.

This morning at my job, a co-worker said “Robin Williams had it all and he went and killed himself. I don’t get it.” I simply replied with “No, you don’t.” I also knew there was no use in explaining it, and in fact his lack of understanding and lack of sympathy at that moment angered me too much to get into a conversation about it.

I have seen an incredible outpouring of emotion and sentiment on various social networks over the past day and it does my heart good. I’m glad attention is being given to mental illness and to the horrors of depression. I sincerely hope that something good comes of the death of Robin Williams.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams did seem to “have it all.” They had money, they had fame, they had great careers, and they had families. But, what some people don’t understand is that none of that mattered. They brought happiness to this world and to us, but they couldn’t bring it to themselves. THAT is what matters.

I’m using these two celebrities as examples because I see the contrast in my own outlook towards it. In 1994 I believed one could just “snap out of it” and be happy. Yet, I was the one in the high school Speech and Communication class just two years earlier that was not making eye contact, not raising my head, and not speaking at an audible level during a few presentations. I was the one sitting in the corner during a cooking class because I “didn’t feel like doing anything.” Looking at that those specific things now, I realize that I was depressed then and I didn’t acknowledge it.

I DO acknowledge it now. I talk about it as much as I can. I write about it when I feel the need to. And as I’m sure I’ve said before, I don’t just do this for me. I do it for anyone else that feels depressed. I know I’m not alone in this. Yes, I am quite often very lonely, but I know I’m not alone. I want YOU to know that as well. You are not alone either.

Robin Williams lived for 63 years. He was always one of my favorite comedians. And when he did a dramatic role, he was amazing. As I stated earlier, he won an Academy Award. It was for his role in Good Will Hunting, which is absolutely one of my favorite movies. He played a psychologist and in an incredibly powerful scene, he finally breaks through to Will and tells him again and again “It’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t the fault of Robin Williams that he was depressed. His depression was the result of various factors. My depression is the result of various factors. Kurt Cobain’s depression was the result of various factors. But it wasn’t their fault, and it’s not my fault. We are the result.

I’ve had many differing emotions on the topic of suicide. Very often I’ve considered the person that takes his/her own life to be selfish. How dare they leave us? How could they do this to their family, friends, fans, loved ones? And, then Robin Williams, a man who “had it all” killed himself at age 63. And all I thought was that depression claimed another one. And while my heart does go out to his family, friends, fans, and loved ones, this time I understand why it happened.

Throughout my most depressed times, I have never wanted to die. But, there’s been times I didn’t want to go on. I’ve never wanted to not be alive, but I’ve certainly wanted my pain to be over. Robin Williams also wanted his pain to be over, and now it is.

I know I’m bouncing around a bit during this entry and I’m repeating things, but this entry is going to be more from the heart that other entries I’ve done. I’m not going to go back and edit, remove, or redo paragraphs like I sometimes do. This one is going to be as it is. Because it needs to be. Because this time, a celebrity death hit me incredibly hard. Because this time it’s bigger than just the death of a celebrity. It’s about something a lot bigger than that. It’s about something that needs to be addressed. Because this time, I GET IT and it’s about time other people do as well.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams brought joy to so many people, but they never felt it themselves. I repeat, they had fame, money, and success, and none of that mattered.

If only either of them realized it wasn’t their fault.

robinwilliams