Category Archives: Life

2014 Album of the Year

Posted by MaskedSanity on

mushroomhead-righteous-butterfly-artwork

1- Mushroomhead – the Righteous and the Butterfly
2- The Black Keys – Turn Blue
3- Those Poor Bastards – Vicious Losers
4- Bloodbath – Grand Morbid Funeral
5- Fozzy – Do You Wanna Start a War?
6- Scott H. Biram – Nothin’ But Blood
7- Within Temptation – Hydra
8- Arch Enemy – War Eternal
9- Opeth – Pale Communion
10- Lacuna Coil – Broken Crown Halo

Mushroomhead’s the Righteous and the Butterfly was dedicated to two of their fallen friends and they did them proud. From beginning to end, the album did not disappoint me. In fact, there’s not a single track on the album that I dislike. And also considering the lineup changes and the fact that their old singer J. Mann returned while not replacing his replacement Waylon, just joining him and Jeffrey Nothing to make Mushroomhead have three vocalists made it a very interesting dynamic. Their album prior to this one, 2010’s Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children was a weaker effort for them. The Righteous and the Butterfly is a great return to form and then some. And besides, they covered Adele’s “Rumor Has It,” which is a must hear.

Tracks I highly recommend hearing on this album include “Our Apologies,” “How Many Times,” “Qwerty,” “Portraits of the Poor,” “Childlike,” “We Are the Truth,” and “Rumor Has It.”

In early June I went for a long ride in my car and the Black Keys’ Turn Blue was the soundtrack for that ride. It was the perfect soundtrack for the day and my mood. I’m somewhat new to the Black Keys, having only been listening to them for the last few years, but they’re good. I probably should look into their old albums. But, Turn Blue is one I think most people would like. It’s got a nice moden bluesy feel to it that I really appreciate.

I recommends songs such as “Weight of Love,” “In Time,” “Turn Blue,” “Waiting on Words,” and “Gotta Get Away.”

A few years ago Hank Williams III talked about his friends Those Poor Bastards on his Facebook page. I downloaded am album and occasionally listed to it. Maybe two months ago I decided to really give it a listen and it just clicked with me. I decided to see if they had any newer releases and to my pleasant surprise, they had a new album out. I ordered it and haven’t stopped listening to it and this group has shot up to the top of my list of bands I would like to see live. Their style is described as “miserable and primitive old-time gothic country music.” That sounds good to me, literally and figuratively. If any of this sounds interesting, check out Vicious Losers.

Some of the better tracks from Vicious Losers include “I am Lost,” “Give Me Drugs,” “Lonely Man,” “Trouble at Home,” and “Born to Preach.”

Bloodbath’s Grand Morbid Funeral is their third consecutive album with a new singer. On this album, they went deep into their Death Metal roots and got Nick Holmes from Paradise Lost to return to his own Death Metal roots and be the new singer. Once I heard that news I was IMMEDIATELY interested in this album. Seriously, how could an album featuring members of Katatonia, Opeth, and now Paradise Lost disappoint? Well, it didn’t. It’s just pure Death Metal at its best. If you’ve ever been a fan of the genre, and even if you’ve fallen out of it, this is an album you need to hear. Holmes was able to belt out some good growls that we haven’t heard from him in nearly 20 years.

I suggest “Let the Stillborn Come to Me,” “Anne,” “Church of Vastitas,” “Beyond Cremation,” and “Unite in Pain” as good sample tracks.

Some people still don’t take Fozzy seriously just because it’s a band featuring a professional wrestler as its singer. Well, I can honestly say that I may not have given them a chance if that connection didn’t exist. But, I’ve been listening to them almost since day one and they’re damn good. Chris Jericho’s vocal range is not as appreciated as it should be. He’s very influenced by hard rock bands of the 1980s, but he’s able to sing a bit more than just their style of music. There’s been some lineup changes since their formation, but Fozzy pretty much started off as Stuck Mojo with Chris Jericho singing, but even with those changes, the integrity of their style has remained intact. They appeared in my Top 10 Albums List in 2010 and they’re back now in 2014 with Do You Wanna Start a War.

“Do You Wanna Start a War,” “Lights Go Out,” and their cover of ABBA’s “SOS” are some of the better tracks on this album.

I’ve been listening to Scott H. Biram for almost a full decade now. His songs range from straight up Southern Blues to Hellbilly to Punk. And he’s yet to release an album that I didn’t like. Nothin’ But Blood is no exception to that rule. This album has a mix of everything I just described. Sometimes it’s very nice to listen to something that doesn’t have a lot of production and effects. I appreciate and respect it. If you like an old fashioned Blues album with a mix of a few different influences, check out Biram and Nothin’ But Blood.

Tracks such as “Gotta Get to Heaven,” “Alcohol Blues,” “Jack of Diamonds,” “Church Point Girls,” and especially “Slow & Easy” are the highlights of this really solid album.

Within Temptation has an almost majestic sound to them. Hydra is not any different from their previous releases, in that aspect. They are one of two former Album of the Year winners to appear on this list, as 2011’s the Unforgiving won the award. Hydra is not necessarily weaker than the Unforgiving, but it didn’t pull me in as much as the Unforgiving. However, that doesn’t mean Hyrda is bad at all, obviously not, if it’s the 7th best of 2014. It’s definitely a Within Temptation album, and that’s a good thing.

“Let Us Burn,” “Paradise (What About Us),” “And We Run,” and “Covered by Roses” are some of the standout tracks, as well as their cover of Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” which appears on the bonus disc.

Over the last years, Arch Enemy has been a band that I pretty much gave up on. It’s not that they put out any particularly bad albums, but I just lost interest in them. When I saw the news earlier in 2014 that their singer, Angela Gossow was stepping away and their new album, War Eternal would have a new singer Alissa White-Gluz, I thought I would give them another shot. Maybe they would be rejuvenated. Well, I was not disappointed. I had not liked an Arch Enemy album this much in years. Their musical style remained intact and White-Gluz fit right in to the vocal style perfectly. It also made me want to hear more of her catalog, and I may check that out as well.

“War Eternal,” “You Will Know My Name,” and ” As the Pages Burn” are my favorite tracks on this album.

Opeth, Opeth, Opeth….. Well, Pale Communion did not disappoint me. This was their first release since they’ve stopped doing Death Metal style vocals that I knew what I was getting into and didn’t miss it. That says a lot. Actually, Pale Communion makes me want to makes want to listen to the last two Opeth albums a bit more. It makes me dislike them less, because now they have more in their library that doesn’t have the Death Metal vocals and the “new” style is more focused. They’re definitely more of a progressive band than a death band now, and I don’t necessarily miss the old style anymore. I do admit that Pale Communion DID have to grow on me, but it did. And I do like it more with each listen.

My favorite tracks on Pale Communion are “Eternal Rains Will Come,” “Cusp of Eternity,” and “Voice of Treason.”

Lacuna Coil’s 2012 Dark Adrenaline was the best release they had in a decade. They followed it up with Broken Crown Halo, which was not as strong. When I first heard the name of the album, I thought it sounded like a Katatonia album without the ironic humor. But that doesn’t matter, the quality of the music does. And while it’s not a bad album, it doesn’t come close to their best work. I think it starts off great with “Nothing Stands in Our Way.” In fact, I had such incredible hopes when I first heard that track. The fact that there were some growling vocals on it got me a lot more interested in the rest of the album, but not only did they not reappear, the rest of the album didn’t live up to the opening track. I saw Lacuna Coil perform live in September and some of the songs of Broken Crown Halo were done in the show and they grew on me a little bit. The album is good enough to be in my Top 10, but they’ve done better.

Besides “Nothing Stands in Our Way” I recommend “Die & Rise” and “In the End I Feel Alive” as good tracks to hear.

So with my top 10 out of the way, that brings me to some other releases in 2014.

After waiting almost 20 years to see Downset live, I finally had the chance in July. The show was what I hoped it to be and I was 100% satisfied. They had a new album called One Blood with all new tracks. I got the album and gave it shot. It sounds exactly like their 1994 release. And while that should be a good thing, it isn’t. It’s too formulaic and cliche for them. I’m glad they’re back together and doing stuff, but this wasn’t great.

Anathema’s Weather Systems came out in 2012 and if it wasn’t for so many great albums that year, it would likely have been ranked higher than 4th on my list. It was that good, and so was 2012, in general, for new music. So, the anticipation for their 2014 album, Distant Satellites, was high. Not only did it not live up to the anticipation, it just annoyed me. There is only one track on it that really stood out, and it was for the wrong reasons. When I first heard “You’re Not Alone” I contacted some friends and told them the song sounded like Steven Wilson at his most pretentious. Later on, I found out that he actually produced that song, and it all made sense. Bottom line, Distant Satellites is not the best effort from Anathema.

There was also another new CD from Hank Williams III, but like some previous years, it’s just a money grab from his former record label. They keep releasing compilations of songs that he did on other things and making some money off of his name, so that album is not eligible for Album of the Year.

I don’t rank live albums on my list, but there were some damn good ones this year, including:
– Timeless by John Hammond
– All My Friends: Celebrating the Songs & Voice of Gregg Allman
– Play All Night: Live at the Beacon Theater 1992 by the Allman Brothers Band
– Last Fair Day Gone Night from Katatonia

I am very much looking forward to 2015’s releases. I know that Clutch is working on new material and I look forward to that. Lacuna Coil has already discussed what direction they’re going in for their next album, and I hope it’s a good one. Nick Holmes has stated he’s been inspired by his work on Bloodbath and it’s possible that the next Paradise Lost record could have some more Death Metal elements in it. And that leads to the most anticipated release I’ve known of in a very long time. In early Spring, Faith No More will release their first new album since 1997. I am biased and I admit now that I hope it’s ranked #1 at this point next year. Although, I also hope it’s good enough to be there, but other albums make me question it.

A note about eligibility for my 2014 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States street date in 2014
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist)
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material

I Trust the Speed Until I Have No Need to Run Anymore

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As I was training for one of the 5k races I ran over the last few months, someone asked me if I loved running. I paused for a moment and said “Not really, but I do love crossing the finish line.” It was at that moment when I realized how much crossing the finish line really does mean to me. Yes, I’ve written about the races I ran in 2012 and 2013 and the feeling of accomplishment I had when I finished those races, but this year it was different. I didn’t just do one race this year, I did five. I set personal records in 3 out of the 5. But I still don’t think that alone was what it was all about for me this year.

My depression has consumed me for much of this year. I’ve become much more aware of it than I used to be. I’ve realized just how much of my daily life is dictated by my mood. I’ve realized that it’s a vicious cycle that I haven’t been able to break. How does running 3.1 miles have anything to do with that? It’s actually simple when you think about it. When ever I cross that finish line, I’ve accomplished something that cannot be taken away from me. And the feeling of victory I have when I cross that line is not something I’ve often experienced.

In 2012 I ran my first 5k and completed it in 29 minutes and 45 seconds. I was VERY proud of that accomplishment and what that entire day meant to me. In 2013 I ran the same race in 32 minutes and 12 seconds. I didn’t do as well, but I still finished and still felt accomplished. My racing was limited to just that one race in each year due to the work schedule I had at the time. My schedule wasn’t the same this year, so I was able to do more races and I ran five of them this year.

The first one I did was the same race I had done in 2012 and 2013, it was my town’s annual 5k race. I did not slow down to walk until a bit after the first mile, which I crossed at about 8 minutes and 40 seconds. I knew I was on a good pace, but a little past that first mile I started getting a pain in my right side, so I had to slow down a little bit. I kept going and changed it up from a run to a walk when needed. This race ends at the racetrack at the town’s high school. When I turned the corner of the track and saw that I was just over 29 minutes, I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 24.5 seconds. I had beaten my best time by 20 seconds. My only real goal for that race was to be under 30 minutes again, since I didn’t feel too confident going into it. My goal was met.

The next race I did was a few weeks later. The path for this race was not too hilly, but had a lot of incline in it. The incline worried me and I felt that crossing the finish line at about 30 minutes and 15 seconds would be good for me. But, I also knew that as long as I finished the race, I should feel proud. Despite the having slight difficulty breaking out of the pack at the beginning of the race due to so many young kids grouped up in front of me, my first mile was 8 minutes and 20 seconds. I didn’t expect that. And once again, shortly after that first mile, the slight pain in my side started and I had to slow it down a bit. When I made that final left turn and saw the finish line, I saw that the clock had JUST crossed 29 minutes, so again I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 14.4 seconds. One minute better than my goal and 10.1 seconds better than my previous best time! I was quite satisfied with myself.

My third race of the year was a bit more challenging for me. It was raining a lot during the race and I had never run in conditions like that before. Due to the weather, I didn’t put any pressure on myself to set a personal record, I just wanted a time that I felt was respectable. When I got the one mile marker at just 8 minutes I started to reconsider that personal record thing. I knew it was now attainable. Somewhere around the 2 miles point there was a stretch of a block or two that was unpaved and the ground was ripped up. I did not feel comfortable running in that, so I walked that portion. That worked out somewhat in my favor because my glasses were completely fogged up and my side was hurting. Once I wiped off my glasses and got past that area, I picked up the pace. A minute or so later, I noticed my left shoelace had come untied. I stepped onto a sidewalk and fixed that and then ran a bit. Once the finish line came into view, I saw that it was again just past 29 minutes. I had a chance to set a personal record again, but I crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 18.4 seconds. I missed my record by FOUR seconds. Yeah, it bothered me a little bit since I got my confidence up early in the race, but I was still incredibly proud of my accomplishment given the conditions I was not used to.

The 2nd, 4th, and 5th races that I ran this year were part of a series of a “Triple Crown” that three towns sponsored. And before the 4th race, I saw various posts online that said because it was a “fast and flat” race that many people set personal records on it. Well, this time I actually set forth to do so. I had 3 goals for the race. The first was to be under 29 minutes, the second was to at least set a new record, and the third was just to finish. My feelings of accomplishment would be good if I did any of those. Much like my 2nd race of the year, I had a hard time getting out of the pack at the beginning. This time, not only did I have a lot of children in my way, but I had dogs as well. Yes, there were dogs in this race. I got to the 1st mile marked at about 8 minutes and 45 seconds, so I didn’t think I was on pace for a personal record, but I still had some energy so I kept running for a little bit longer than I normally do past that mile. I noticed that I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes, so I had picked up some time. I also felt the last 1.1 miles were good for me. And this time, I made a right turn to the finish line and again, it had just crossed over to 29 minutes, so I put every last bit of energy I had into it and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 12.9 seconds. I didn’t finish in under 29 minutes, but I did set a new personal record. Again, I was quite happy with myself.

The third portion of the Triple Crown and the final race that I intended to run in 2014 was on a very chilly morning. It was only about 35 degrees out and I was concerned about my lungs and their ability to handle the cold air. I was appropriately dressed for the race, but it was still a concern for me. My three goals for the last race were in effect here too. My first mile issue of not being able to break away happened again and I crossed the first mile at 9 minutes. I figured that a sub-29 minute race was now impossible, but a personal record was not. When I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes and 30 seconds, I started to again think about that 29 minute thing, especially since I knew I had already gotten past the one big incline this path had. However, the last 1.1 miles was rough for me. I wasn’t able to keep up the pace and ended up crossing the finish line at 29 minutes and 40.4 seconds. It was my slowest finish of the year, but I was not in the least bit upset.

Out of 61 males to complete all 3 portions of the Triple Crown, I finished in 47th place. I am very proud of that. The people that won those races finished them in times that I can’t begin to comprehend. But I’m sure they’ve been doing this a lot a longer than I have. And I’m also not ever concerned about “winning” a race. To me, crossing the finish line IS winning.

I finished five races this year, all under 30 minutes. In 3 of the 5 I set personal records. My consistency is pretty damn good. There’s only 28 seconds separating my fastest and slowest finishes. And each and every time I crossed that finish line, regardless of the time, I had accomplished something. I finished something. And each and every time, it meant something.

I am generally lethargic, unmotivated, and not disciplined enough to get things done. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as “just doing it” for me. But, these races have shown me that it is possible to accomplish something. I do put forth time and effort into training for them, but very often I feel that I won’t be able to do get it done. It’s my nature to doubt myself. It’s also my nurturing to doubt myself. But, maybe I can use these races as a catalyst to better things for me. Because on five separate occasions this year I was able to start something and just under 30 minutes later, I was able to finish it. And while the high I feel from crossing those finish lines does eventually go away, the accomplishments live forever, and that’s something that not even my depression can take away from me.

Isolated Myself for the Sake of Freedom

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I am not alone. I understand that. I know that many people go through issues that are similar to mine. I know that many people suffer with various degrees of depression and anxiety. I know that many people deal with the feelings I deal with. And while I may feel like I’m a part of something and I know I’m not alone, I’ve also never felt so much apart from anything and I’ve never been lonelier.

How does that make any sense? It makes perfect sense to me, even if I can’t make sense of it. Does that make sense to you?

You may see me in a social setting. It may be a large gathering. At that large gathering, you may even have a conversation with me. But how long does that conversation last? It’s very likely that I’ll just leave and stand by someone else for a few minutes. This cycle will repeat until I eventually leave the situation completely. No, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I’m not trying to pay attention to you. It just means that I’m not comfortable in social situations but I am making an effort to fit in.

I have a difficult time bonding with people. I’ve discussed that before. I’ve noticed that the people I’ve most recently gotten somewhat close to are people with similar social issues. I almost want to laugh about it. How we can bond at all is confusing to me. But then again, the concept of bonding and connecting to people confuses me in general.

Very early in life I was taught (or taught myself) that it’s better to by myself than be with people or situations that weren’t good for me. This particular philosophy was reinforced to me by people that didn’t do much in the way of socializing with anyone and often created rifts in the few relationships they did have. But, was it really a bad concept? Who wants to constantly be unhappy?

So, how does my lack of ability to bond with people and my separation tendencies tie together? I think fear is a major factor there. I am not good at connecting to people, and I’m confused and scared when I do. I am afraid to start a conversation with you, so I won’t. I have been shunned and rejected enough in life that it’s made me afraid to be shunned and rejected again, therefore it’s likely I won’t even put myself in the position to have it happen. It’s also likely that if you do get close me, it may cause me to panic, and I may try to escape the situation.

At the beginning of this entry I stated that I’ve never felt lonelier than I do now. Yet, I’ve been explaining how I don’t/won’t make an effort to contact or meet people and that I’ll run away from people. So again, I ask, does that make any sense to you? Because, it makes perfect sense to me. It’s my “normal.”

These behaviors and traits I’ve described and deal with are common with certain depressive conditions. I’ve been diagnosed with one where it’s very prevalent. I am not using that as a reason to justify or defend my (lack of) actions. There is nothing to do justify or defend, although I have been known to apologize if I realize that I’ve run away from people I actually do like. As always, I’m writing this to offer some understanding for me and for you.

I don’t know if I like being by myself. I’m just very accustomed to it. I’m physically by myself a lot, and emotionally by myself even more. I am distant. I am sheltered. I am isolated. None of this means I don’t want to hang out with you. None of this means I won’t hang out with you. Sometimes it just means I NEED to be by myself. I hope someday that need will be smaller, but until it is, I’ll be here. And it’s very likely that I’ll be here by myself, even if you’re with me.

It’s Not Your Fault.

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On April 4, 1994 Kurt Cobain killed himself. I was almost 18 years old. I knew he was depressed because I was told he was. I shed a few tears that day, but mostly only because he was a musician I liked and he was dead. But seriously? He had it all, didn’t he? Money, fame? What else did he need?

On August 11, 2014 Robin Williams killed himself. That was just yesterday and I’m now 38 years old and I’ve shed many tears over a man who I’ve never met. Why? Is it because he was an Academy Award winning actor and comedian that I liked and he’s dead? No, it’s because depression claimed another one, and I this time, I understand it.

This morning at my job, a co-worker said “Robin Williams had it all and he went and killed himself. I don’t get it.” I simply replied with “No, you don’t.” I also knew there was no use in explaining it, and in fact his lack of understanding and lack of sympathy at that moment angered me too much to get into a conversation about it.

I have seen an incredible outpouring of emotion and sentiment on various social networks over the past day and it does my heart good. I’m glad attention is being given to mental illness and to the horrors of depression. I sincerely hope that something good comes of the death of Robin Williams.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams did seem to “have it all.” They had money, they had fame, they had great careers, and they had families. But, what some people don’t understand is that none of that mattered. They brought happiness to this world and to us, but they couldn’t bring it to themselves. THAT is what matters.

I’m using these two celebrities as examples because I see the contrast in my own outlook towards it. In 1994 I believed one could just “snap out of it” and be happy. Yet, I was the one in the high school Speech and Communication class just two years earlier that was not making eye contact, not raising my head, and not speaking at an audible level during a few presentations. I was the one sitting in the corner during a cooking class because I “didn’t feel like doing anything.” Looking at that those specific things now, I realize that I was depressed then and I didn’t acknowledge it.

I DO acknowledge it now. I talk about it as much as I can. I write about it when I feel the need to. And as I’m sure I’ve said before, I don’t just do this for me. I do it for anyone else that feels depressed. I know I’m not alone in this. Yes, I am quite often very lonely, but I know I’m not alone. I want YOU to know that as well. You are not alone either.

Robin Williams lived for 63 years. He was always one of my favorite comedians. And when he did a dramatic role, he was amazing. As I stated earlier, he won an Academy Award. It was for his role in Good Will Hunting, which is absolutely one of my favorite movies. He played a psychologist and in an incredibly powerful scene, he finally breaks through to Will and tells him again and again “It’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t the fault of Robin Williams that he was depressed. His depression was the result of various factors. My depression is the result of various factors. Kurt Cobain’s depression was the result of various factors. But it wasn’t their fault, and it’s not my fault. We are the result.

I’ve had many differing emotions on the topic of suicide. Very often I’ve considered the person that takes his/her own life to be selfish. How dare they leave us? How could they do this to their family, friends, fans, loved ones? And, then Robin Williams, a man who “had it all” killed himself at age 63. And all I thought was that depression claimed another one. And while my heart does go out to his family, friends, fans, and loved ones, this time I understand why it happened.

Throughout my most depressed times, I have never wanted to die. But, there’s been times I didn’t want to go on. I’ve never wanted to not be alive, but I’ve certainly wanted my pain to be over. Robin Williams also wanted his pain to be over, and now it is.

I know I’m bouncing around a bit during this entry and I’m repeating things, but this entry is going to be more from the heart that other entries I’ve done. I’m not going to go back and edit, remove, or redo paragraphs like I sometimes do. This one is going to be as it is. Because it needs to be. Because this time, a celebrity death hit me incredibly hard. Because this time it’s bigger than just the death of a celebrity. It’s about something a lot bigger than that. It’s about something that needs to be addressed. Because this time, I GET IT and it’s about time other people do as well.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams brought joy to so many people, but they never felt it themselves. I repeat, they had fame, money, and success, and none of that mattered.

If only either of them realized it wasn’t their fault.

robinwilliams

The Curse of “There Must Be More.”

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This entry is being published on July 1, 2014. That means there are only 733 days left until my 40th birthday. That impending milestone has me reflecting on things a little bit more than I usually do right before a birthday. Not only am I looking at where I’ve been and where I am, but I’m most definitely looking at where I’m going.

I’ve written a lot about how I’ve been programmed and how things from my past have had a definite negative impact on my life so far. But, the last two words of the previous sentence need to be important, “so far.” I need the “so far” to be more of an “up until now” instead of “so far.”

There’s always been somebody or some thing holding me back. To some degree, that somebody was me, but if I was strong enough to break free from various negative influences, I may not have any of this to write about. If I didn’t have the issues that I wrote about in my last entry, maybe I would be strong enough. However, there’s not much I can do to change what has happened. I can only change the direction that my life goes from this point on.

I probably should have accomplished a lot more by now. I probably should have been a lot more independent than I have been. There’s a lot of factors that went into why I’m not. Again, in some cases it comes down to how I was programmed by certain influences in my life. And while those influences may not be around any more, I haven’t truly been able to break free. And that leads to me feeling like I haven’t truly hit my stride in “adulthood” yet.

In my younger days I was often told that I was incredibly selfish. If I was selfish in any capacity, it was due to my belief that the only person that was truly looking out for my best interest was actually me. In recent years, I’ve been told that I spend too much time worrying about other people and not enough about myself. So once again, I need to find a balance somewhere in life.

Over the last few years, I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to improve myself. I KNOW I’m better off than I was in various aspects, but the aspects I haven’t been able to improve cause me so much stress. But I also know I shouldn’t be upset about things I can’t control, and unfortunately a lot of what has stressed me out are things (or people) that I can’t control. Does that mean I should stop trying? I don’t know. I know I have put forth my best efforts there, it’s just that the results haven’t matched the efforts.

I seriously do wish I was better off than I am. I wish a lot of things had gone differently in my life. But I’m not and they didn’t. There is nothing I can do about any of that now. It is what it is, and it was what it was. Everything that’s happened has made me who and I what I am. I wasn’t dealt the best hand in the game of life. I’m not setting my 40th birthday as the specific goal date of having everything in place. I know that’s not necessarily realistic. But when I look back at this in 2 years, or at any point in between now and then, I hope to be able to say that I’m definitely on my way to something better. And a quote that I like from someone who I know has had a very rough life, but is determined to make the best of his situation from now on is how I’m going to end the entry. It’s a very wise quote and it’s something that anyone that has struggled throughout life can gain something from.

“My history will not be my destiny.”
– Jake Roberts

The Vanishing of Doubt Will Unfold My Empty Space

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For much of my life I have had overwhelming feelings of fear and shame. I’ve survived with those feelings even as they consumed my being. They’re powerful feelings and a potentially emotionally crippling combination. I’ve given some thought to this subject recently and the inspiration for the thoughts came from an interesting source.

I was recently watching a reality show, WWE Legends’ House to be exact. And before you start judging my taste in programming or dismiss what I’m saying because of the apparent stigma attached, just keep reading. During the last two episodes of the show, the eight WWE Legends sat around a table a few times and opened up to each other. I watched them tell stories of tragedy, horror, and anguish. On more than one occasion during these scenes, I saw at least one of them apologize for crying and being emotional.

Another big thing I saw in the last episode of that show was when I watched a 70+ year old man announce publicly that he was gay. And while that was one of the worst kept secrets in the professional wrestling world, I wondered why he had to “announce” it if we all already knew. And then it hit me, when he actually said those words publicly for the first time, he let go of a massive burden. His secret, as poorly kept as it was, was indeed a weight on his shoulders.

How do those two things from a reality show apply to me? Well, I’ve noticed that when I write things here or talk to someone about my issues that I am also unburdening myself. I’ve realized that many depressed people have also been keeping their depression to themselves for a long time. Why did I do that, and why do they?

Fear and shame. That’s why.

I was always, and in many cases still am, afraid to ask for help. Even in minor instances, I feel like I don’t want to bother people. But why is it like that? What’s there to be ashamed of?

On that TV show, why did I witness men in their 60s crying and feeling ashamed to show emotion when talking about things as significant as the death of one of their own children?

Fear and shame, that’s why.

In other blogs I’ve written, I’ve mentioned my “programming” as a child. I was programmed to be ashamed to show emotion, because crying was seen as a weakness. As a result of that, I held so much in for years. I’m sure that added to the overwhelming burden of depression that weighed me down for so long.

I realize now that my programming was wrong. I realize now that the kid that was picked on, bullied, and made fun of in high school was not strong for keeping it in. I realize now that the kid that was pushed into walls in school and had such little self esteem that he apologized for being the in the way of the person that pushed him was not strong to keep that in. However, that little kid’s weakness was not the weakness that the bullies saw. The weakness was the fear of not being able to ask for help and the fear was due to shame.

Yes, the kid I’m speaking of there was me. But what was I afraid of? What was I ashamed of?

Why did I grow up ashamed of myself? Why did I feel so poorly about myself? Maybe I could break it down with two simple words, “words hurt.” Maybe it’s not THAT simple, but regardless, no matter how much you tell your kids to ignore insults and taunts, it doesn’t make a real difference. Words do hurt.

While thinking about this entry, and it’s been in the works for a while now, I’ve thought about how sometimes I was the one taunting or picking on kids that were perceived to be weaker than me. I said insulting things to some kids. I am not defending that behavior by saying this, but it goes back to the programming. There was a pattern of behavior in the culture I was in, and unfortunately, I didn’t break the pattern. This is one thing that I do feel shame about. I feel shame that I may have contributed to the damage done to someone the way I was damaged by my own experiences.

I once wrote that I wanted to stop using the word “can’t.” That word is too negative, I now prefer to a challenge as something I’m “not yet capable” of doing, and not something I “can’t” do. My programming has always taught me to believe I can’t do things. My programming has also taught me use words viciously. I try my best to choose my words well, especially when discussing important issues. I have tried to remove various words from my everyday conversations.

I no longer want to say that I “hate” something or someone. That word is too powerful.

I don’t want to call anyone “crazy.” After dealing with my own issues over the last few years, I realize the negativity attached to that word in many contexts.

Recently I heard a friend discuss how a few kids taunted her for not being as thin as other girls in high school. She made a comment about how they think she’s “the cute one” now, but it doesn’t matter as much, because they still damaged her perception of herself. She felt shame over that, but if they didn’t say anything, or even complimented her once, she may not have felt that way.

The name of my blog is “Unpacking the Baggage.” And it’s what I do in the majority of the entries I write. I unpack my baggage, and in some cases I unburden myself and erase some of the unneeded shame I had in my life. I do this now because I now know that people that show emotion don’t show weakness, they show strength. The men in that reality show were showing strength when they were talking, my friend showed me strength when she shared her story, and I’m showing strength now, and that’s something none of us should be ashamed of.

You’ve Come a Long Way to Find Emptiness

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If anything has been proven to me when I receive feedback on my blogs, it’s that I’m not alone. Another thing besides my blogs that gives me a sense of community at times is the music I listen to. Last year I wrote a blog about my experience with Lacuna Coil and how listening to that band gave me so many friends and good experiences. This entry is about another band that has had a tremendous impact on my life, Katatonia. And while I could write a very similar entry today about my experiences at Katatonia shows, I want to focus on other aspects.

I consider the impact that Katatonia’s music has had on me to be a positive one. I can easily see why some people may consider it to be not so positive. The majority of Katatonia’s lyrics and themes are miserably depressing. But that’s the point. I relate to them. I relate to this band probably more than any other I’ve ever heard.

I first heard Katatonia in 1997. Unlike now, I didn’t pay close attention to lyrics at that time. I really only listened to music that I liked the sound of. However, there was something about Katatonia’s lyrics that stuck out. On their 1997 album, Discouraged Ones, I heard lines such as “Who’s painting my life in sorrow blue?” I always loved the visual that I was able to get from that line. It was something that connected to me.

1999’s Tonight’s Decision was a slightly heavier album than Discouraged Ones, and I really liked it from the first time I heard it, but again, it’s the lyrics that drew me in. There were so many things on this album that I really liked, but it wasn’t until their next release that I GOT IT.

Katatonia released Last Fair Deal Gone Down in 2001 and that album hit me like nothing else had ever done before. When I first heard the songs, I was going through a depression spell. It was one of the first times that I actually realized what was happening to me and wasn’t in denial of depression. Last Fair Deal is the perfect soundtrack for what I was going through. From start to finish I consider it to be an almost flawless album. You can hear and feel the misery, agony, and desperation throughout the record. However, there’s been some points that the lyrics on this album hit too close to home and it was difficult for me to listen to it. As I said, it’s either a good thing or a bad thing.

On June 4th, 2004 I was finally able to see Katatonia perform live. Unfortunately, they didn’t play in the United States very often then. And since this was only their second North American show ever and I felt I needed to experience it, I was willing to go some distance to see them. I drove from my house in New Jersey to Cleveland for that show. And two days later, I saw them again in Montreal, Quebec. That was the one and only time I had ever left the United States, and it was to see Katatonia.

At that show in Cleveland, I have no shame in admitting that I had tears in my eyes from the very first note they played. I knew I was seeing something special. Both of those shows had me experiencing a nice range of emotions, but it was all positive.

Katatonia started touring the United States somewhat regularly in 2006. I was lucky enough to see them four times on that first tour, as they had an abundance of shows that was not tremendously far away. All four of the shows I saw on that tour were very memorable to me for various reasons, some very personal and still hold incredible significance to me today.

To celebrate the 10th anniversary of Last Fair Deal Gone Down in 2011, Katatonia performed some shows around the world in which they played that entire album from start to finish, and then played at least one song from every other album. I was lucky enough to attend their show in Rochester, NY. In the year or so before this show, I had a very rough time. I had a lot of things in my life go wrong and this show was beyond therapeutic for me. I got to see the album that has emotionally impacted me maybe more than any other album I’ve ever heard and it felt great. I had a few friends there and they had some of their friends there as well. We were all 100% into what we were seeing and hearing. It was a community of Katatonia fans. And no matter what we were dealing with at that time, or had dealt with prior, we knew we that we were NOT alone.

“and when I pause for a breath I see millions like me.”
– Katatonia, from the song “Clean Today.”

As a little addendum to this entry. I’ve had a very difficult time writing it and I’m not even sure why. Maybe it was a writer’s block thing or maybe my self-imposed deadline of June 4th, the 10th anniversary of my first Katatonia show. Or maybe it was just due to having so many deeply personal things tied into Katatonia music and shows that it was difficult for me to put it into words. Regardless, I’m still glad I was able to share this much, even if I’m not completely satisfied with what I wrote.

The Promise of Deceit

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My New Year’s Resolution for the last few years has been “to make it better.” And at the end of the year I’ll I always ask myself “am I better off than I was a year ago?” It’s difficult for me to answer that question in 2013. There’s been some bad things that have happened to me, but there’s also been some good things to counter them. There’s been some challenges and there’s been some victories, but there’s also been some victories followed by complications. In many ways I feel that my life in 2013 was in a holding pattern. I wonder if this is the balance I’ve spoken of.

In my 2012 year end blog I mentioned that I knew my credit card debt would be paid off at some point in the first half of 2013. I accomplished that goal in March. Two of the best feelings I’ve ever had were the times I made the phone call to authorize the final payment towards my debt and a few weeks later when I saw the statement that said two simple words, “Debt Free.” From that point, I started a budget plan and by the end of the year I was finally able to start comfortably putting some money aside from each paycheck in an effort to build up some savings. Of course, I didn’t anticipate losing my job in the process. Yeah, that happened. I’ve been unemployed for just over one month now. A victory followed by a challenge. Am I better off than I was a year ago. Well, I’ve been in a better position in my life to be unemployed, so sure. I’m better there, but having no income is not better. Don’t worry, I’m working on fixing that issue.

I’ve written about my depression and my sadness a few times during the year. Those issues are still quite prevalent, and may always be, I don’t know. But I do know that during the month of unemployment, I did go into a funk which resulted in laziness and a bit of depression. Much like I’ve stated before, I don’t know which of those traits comes first, but they’re both there. I have always believed that my awareness of the issues is my key to combating them. I also believe that speaking about it helps, and so many of you that have reached out to me have shown me that no matter how lonely I may feel at times, I am truly not alone. So, it’s possible that while I may feel lonely, depressed, and lazy at the moment, I may actually be better off than I was a year ago.

I ran another 5k during the year. My time was not as good as my time in 2012. I did not match my previous time, nor did I meet the goal time I had. But, I DID finish the race in a respectable time. I’ve stated that I was not really thrilled my effort during the race, but I was satisfied with the result. I’ll call that a wash.

Early in the summer I had decided I wanted to be at a specific weight. I needed to lose 10 pounds to get there, or so I thought. I had actually gained 15 pounds without even realizing it. That post 30 slower metabolism is rough. So in order to lose the (now 25) extra pounds I changed my diet, started a stricter DDP Yoga regimen, and paid close attention to the calories I took in and burned during a day. As of now, with just a few hours left in 2013 I still have not met my goal weight, but I am within 5 pounds of it. I also understand that I did lose fat and gain muscle, which is a good thing. And despite not hitting my goal, I am still in the best shape of my life, so I’ll say that I am indeed better off than I was a year ago.

“My social life is no worse off than it was a year ago. In fact, I would say it’s a bit better. I’ve definitely made a few more friends and gotten closer to some people that were only acquaintances before. And both of those things are good things.

In last year’s year end blog I talked about obstacles in my way and my desire to move past them. I moved past as many of them as I could. As it turns out, some of them are not movable. But in those cases, I’ve learned to go around them or re-evaluate the situation to the best of my ability. Regardless of whether I got past them or not, I have no regrets to how I handled any of it.”

The last two paragraphs were taken directly from 2012’s year end blog. The sentiments from both paragraphs are echoed for 2013. I made some new friends, I got re-acquainted with some old ones, and strengthened a few relationships. I also have obstacles in my way that I haven’t been able to get past. But, I still do not regret any choices, actions, or feelings I have on any of those situations. I did what I did because it was the right thing to do at the time and in the long run. I would tell you that I”m stronger for my actions, but I’m still depressed over some of the results, or lack of, so goes back to that holding pattern. I am no better nor worse than I was a year ago.

Early in 2013, I lost my uncle. There was a long period of time that I had little to no contact with him or his side of the family due to issues that I really don’t understand fully. We had reconciled and had some good moments in late 2012, which made everything a bit easier for me. But also, while I lost my uncle in 2013 I also became an uncle in 2013. And, every time I see my nephew brings me so much joy. He’s actually a motivation for me to improve things in my life. I want to take him to a Yankees game when he’s old enough to enjoy it. And the way ticket prices are, I need to get myself a really good job to be able to start saving to possibly afford anything resembling good tickets for that. I don’t know if I can say that this is either better or worse, but it is part of the circle of life and there’s almost a balance to it.

I think 2014 will require changes to hit my goals. My goals for 2014 are somewhat simple. 365 days from now when I write a recap of 2013, I want to say “Yes, I AM better off than I was a year ago.” I want to say it with conviction and I want to see it without hesitation. I also want to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. I haven’t even come close to that yet.

I have two quotes that sum up things about life and I think are somewhat appropriate.

“Do or do not, there is no try.” – Yoda

I think, in some cases that’s easier said than done. I don’t want to go against the words of the great Jedi Master, but sometimes I feel that all I can do is try.

Over the past few years, I’ve been complemented by some people in regards to “how far I’ve come” in a short time. I’ve written about how I was never able to talk about feelings before, and I’ve come out of my shell a lot there. While other people are confused by my ability to discuss feelings, since I was never able to before. The quote I’m leaving you with sums up that area very well, and may even be part of my mantra for 2014

“Times change, and so must I… We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people, all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good. You gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” – The Doctor

2013 Album of the Year

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Wisdom-Of-Crowds

1- Wisdom of Crowds – Wisdom of Crowds
2- Clutch – Earth Rocker
3- Anneke Van Giersbergen – Drive
4- Gov’t Mule – Shout!
5- Hank Williams III – Brothers of the 4×4
6- Ministry – From Beer to Eternity
7- Tedeschi Trucks Band – Made Up Mind
8- Dark Tranquillity – Construct
9- Depeche Mode – Delta Machine
10- Black Sabbath – 13

This is the 10th time that I’ve done a blog and/or a countdown for my Albums of the Year. Last year, I wrote the difficulty I had choosing the top album, as Katatonia and Lacuna Coil both put out such strong albums. This year, I found myself with a similar dilema, as well as a new one. I’ll discuss the new dilemma after I do the run through of the top albums. And to give you a slight hint about the dilemma, let me just let you know that this year could have been the “Year of Jonas Renkse.”

Jonas Renkse is the lead singer of Katatonia, and it’s no secret that they’re one of my favorite groups. They’ve been awarded my Album of the Year honors twice (2009 and 2012) and have come close in other years. I heard that Jonas was going to be doing a project with Bruce Soord, whom I had never heard of. He has his own band, the Pineapple Thief. But, I’ve never heard of them either. Their project was called Wisdom of Crowds and I was curious to hear it. When I finally got the album, I could not believe what I was hearing. The music was a perfect fit for Jonas’s mellow tone. And on some tracks, I thought I was listening to early Nine Inch Nails stuff, especially with the emotion, and even with musical style. It’s a progressive album, and sometimes sounds a little poppy, but it’s still a solid album from beginning to end and I enjoy the ride it takes me on every time I listen to it, which is often. I look forward to more collaborations with Jonas Renkse and Bruce Soord, and I may even check out some of Soord’s other projects. But, as a result of this effort, I think Jonas Renkse has definitely solidified a spot as one of my favorite male vocalists working today.

I recommend every track on the album, but if I had to pick a few as a sample for people to check out, I would suggest “Wisdom of Crowds,” “Radio Star,” “Frozen North,” “Pleasure,” and “Pretend.”

One of the things I liked so much about Lacuna Coil’s album last year was that they “returned to form” after a few albums that disappointed me (to say the least). Clutch is a band that I’ve been listening to for over 20 years, and only once did they put out an album that I genuinely didn’t like, and that was 2009’s Strange Cousins From the West. I’m not alone in my dislike for it, and I’ve discussed it with friends a few times. The album never “grew on me” is a common statement about it. I think that’s the issue with it right there, it shouldn’t have had to.

However, Clutch’s 2013 album, Earth Rocker is definitely a return to form for them. It’s everything a Clutch album should be. If people ever ask me to classify Clutch, I can’t put them into a specific genre, but I do use the title of their 2001 album to describe them. They’re simply “Pure Rock Fury” and that’s exactly what Earth Rocker is. I couldn’t believe how much I liked the album when I was listening to it for the first time. And just as I was thinking “wow, this album rocks, there isn’t a mellow song yet,” I heard “Gone Cold” for the first time. That very well me the best blues song Clutch has created. That’s a bold statement, but I stand by it. It pulls at my heart’s strings, which is what a good blues song is supposed to do. It’s nice to see a band such as this return to what I want them to be.

Tracks from Earth Rocker that I believe you should check out include: “D.C. Sound Attack!,” “Crucial Velocity,” “Gone Cold,” “The Face,” and of course, the title track, “Earth Rocker.”

In last year’s blog, I mentioned that I felt Anneke Van Giersbergen had finally found HER sound as a solo artist. She expanded on that with this year’s realase, Drive. The album has some significant emotion in her voice, and sometimes it’s anger, but it works. And if Jonas Renkse is my favorite male vocalist at the moment, Anneke Van Giersbergen is definitely my favorite female vocalist.

Tracks to check out include “We Live On,” “The Best is Yet to Come,” and my favorite track on the album due to hearing the anger and emotion in it is “Treat Me Like a Lady.”

Gov’t Mule is the quintessential rock/jam band and their front man Warren Haynes is one of the best guitar players in the world. The first disc of Mule’s album Shout! would be a strong contender for anyone’s album of the year list by itself, but it’s the second disc of this double album that puts it over the top. The second disc has all of the songs from the first album redone with different singers. It’s interesting to hear the different interpretations of the songs, but in all honesty, the album would be in my top 10 even without the second disc.

I recommend tracks such as “Stoop So Low,” and I either version is excellent, but the second disc version with Dr. John is unreal. I also really liked “World Boss,” “Funny Little Tragedy,” and “Whisper in Your Soul.”

Hank Williams III put out two albums in 2013 and one of them was a double album. For some people that’s quite an accomplishment, but I consider it slacking for him. He put out 3 albums in 2011, and one of them was also a double album. Regardless of that, his double album, Brothers of the 4×4 is the 5th best album of 2013. Hank knows how to write a country song in the style that his legendary grandfather wrote, but still puts a modern take on it. The songs on the this album are slightly longer than I’m used to from him, and that just adds to the enjoyment. Brothers of the 4×4 is what I expect to hear from Hank, when he’s doing a country album, that is.

Track recommendations from Brothers of the 4×4 include “Nearly Gone,” “Hurtin’ for Certin,” “Toothpickin,” and “Loners 4 Life.”

I didn’t think I would be reviewing another Ministry album, especially since I saw their retirement tour in 2008, but they’re back with their second (and likely last) album since then. This album, From Beer to Eternity, like their previous, 2012’s Relapse is a fun album to listen to. You can seriously tell that they enjoyed making it. If this is indeed their final final album (and yes, I did mean to write “final” twice), it’s a good reminder of how good Ministry can be. Some of the songs on this album remind me of their peak from the late 1980s and early 1990s. If you like Ministry, or industrial music at all, you should check out From Beer to Eternity.

“Hail To His Majesty (Peasants),” “Permawar,” and “Side FX Include Mikey’s Middle Finger (TV 4)” stand out to me.

Made Up Mind from Tedeschi Trucks Band is a great mix of rock, blues, and funk. If you take those elements and through in the amazing guitar skills of Derek Trucks and the soulfull voice of Susan Tedeschi and you should have a great album. I can’t say enough things about Derek Trucks’ guitar skills. I truly believe he IS THE BEST guitar player alive today and watching/hearing a solo from him is just amazing at times. If you’re a fan of Trucks or Tedeschi, or the Gov’t Mule, or the Allman Brothers Band, this is an album you need to hear.

The title track, Made Up Mind is a great track, as are “Sweet and Low,” “All that I Need,” and “the Storm.”

It’s unfortunate for Dark Tranquillity that so many other bands that represent “The Gothenburg Sound” have fallen off and put out such incredible dreck over the last few years. It almost makes me afraid to hear a Dark Tranquillity release, but luckily for me, they have not disappoint me. Construct is another good release from them. I’m always so relieved when I hear that they haven’t lost the sound that makes them distinct. There’s a few times when listening to this album when I said “oh yeah, that’s Dark Tranquillity.” And that’s a good thing.

The opening track, “For Broken Words,” along with “Weight of the End,” and “State of Trust” are some of my favorite songs from the album.

Depeche Mode is on my list of Top Albums of the Year. Who saw that one coming? I know I didn’t, but here they are with Delta Machine. I don’t have a tremendous amount of Depeche Mode’s catalog, but I do have a few “best of” albums and a few of their other releases. I think there’s two or three songs on Delta Machine that could end up on a “best of” one day, and for a band that’s been around for over 30 years with as many hits as they’ve had, that’s saying something.

The songs I was referring to are “Welcome to My World,” “Heaven,” and “Soothe My Soul.”

If Depeche Mode on this list is surprising, so is Black Sabbath, especially since it’s the Ozzy Osbourne incarnation. If only for the fact that nobody ever thought that would happen again. And like Metallica and a few other acts before them, Black Sabbath went to Rick Rubin to produce the album and he made sure to capture the Black Sabbath sound that we expected and wanted to hear. Rubin has a way to get bands to sound like they should, which of course bothers me, because maybe they shouldn’t have strayed from that in the first place, but that’s a different rant for a different time. But, 13, the first album that Black Sabbath released with Ozzy Osbourne singing since 1978 is a solid Black Sabbath effort. As I’ve said, it has the sound we want and it is a good album to close out my 10th Annual Countdown.

Tracks from 13 that I suggest include “God is Dead?,” “Pariah,” and “Loner.”

Some notes on some other albums that came out in 2013:

For a few consecutive years I wrote in these blogs that Steven Wilson was a genius. His albums with Porcupine Tree and Blackfield usually ranked very high on my lists. However, over the last few years, Porcupine Tree has begun to disappoint me, Blackfield is fading, Wilson’s solo projects didn’t do much for me, and I don’t want to get into his Storm Corrosion collaboration. However, that didn’t stop me from getting his newest solo album, The Raven That Refused to Sing and Other Stories. Let me state that I don’t belive the album is nearly as bad as some of the other things I’ve heard from him over the last few years, but it didn’t do it for me. And seeing him perform some of the tracks live made me like them less than before, and that’s not supposed to happen. I would say that his music has become quite pretentious, but that wouldn’t insult him or the music, since he’s described it that way himself. If you like progressive albums, you may like this one. It just wasn’t for me.

Another progressive act that I enjoyed over the past decade was Arjen Lucassen’s Ayreon project. Lucassen will assemble a large cast of musicians to basically tell a story in a rock/prog opera style. 2004’s Human Equation was a masterpiece and 2008’s 01011001 brought Jonas Renkse and Anneke Van Giersbergen together for some songs, so how could I not like it? But Ayreon’s 2013 release, The Theory of Everything is really lacking where the others succeeded. It bothers me to say that, as one of my all-time favorite singers, Lacuna Coil’s Cristina Scabbia is on the album in a prominent role. It’s just that the story in this album isn’t that good and unlike other albums from Ayreon, there aren’t many (if any) songs on this album I would go out of my way to hear. Maybe Lucassen can rebound next time.

Nine Inch Nails came out of retirement and released Hesitation Marks. It’s okay, at best.

Carcass also resurfaced and put out Surgical Steel. It’s just not my thing.

Mike Patton’s Tomahawk released Oddfellows and like Nine Inch Nails, it’s okay.

The other release from Hank Williams III was a Hellbilly album called A Fiendish Threat. It’s not bad.

And that brings me to Katatonia. I struggled with this decision, but neither of Katatonia’s two released are eligible for consideration based on the rules I’ve previous set and followed for these lists. Katatonia won album of the year last year with Dead End Kings. They re-issued that album this year after changing up the musical style of it and called the album Dethroned & Uncrowned. While it is a new take on songs, it’s not new material and therefore, not eligible.

The other release from Katatonia was a 10th anniversary edition of Viva Emptiness. I always liked Viva Emptiness as it was, even though I always felt is sounded a little bit different from the rest of the Katatonia releases. Well, the band thought it did too, but they were never happy with it until now. They remastered, re-mixed, and re-released it this year. I now feel like the album I had been listening to since 2003 was nothing more than un unfinished demo-tape and I’ve finally been able to hear the final (and much better) product. However, it is still not new material, and can’t be considered for this list. Although, if either album from Katatonia were eligible, they would likely be very high on the list, and that would explain my previous comment that this could have been the “Year of Jonas Renkse.”

I don’t know many bands releasing albums in 2014, but I do know that 2011’s Album of the Year winner, Within Temptation will have a new album out early in the year. Scott H. Biram, Lacuna Coil, Anathema have also had some studio time soon, so I expect releases from them as well. All of those acts have had some stong albums recently, let’s hope that continues. I look forward to hearing what 2014 will bring me.

A note about eligibility for my 2013 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States street date in 2013
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist)
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material

I Miss the Comfort of Being Sad

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nor·mal (nôrml)
adj.
1. Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical

But what really is “normal?” Is normal white picket fences around a nice house? Is it two attentive parents who treat their children and each other fairly? Is it growing up without worries and achieving a level of success? Is it having healthy relationships? Maybe it is those things, but they are not my normal.

As I continue to think about my life and analyze situations in it, I’ve thought a lot about what my normal is, has been, and hopefully what it could be. It has been a life filled with underacheiving, feelings of insignificance, mediocrity, depression, emptiness, and loneliness. Some of those are topics I’ve discussed in previous entries and I’m sure I will discuss them more in future entries.

I do like success and I have succeeded at some things. I have also experienced happiness at some points of my life, but that feeling is one that genuinely confuses me. Happiness is not my normal. I do not like feeling sad, but it’s what is normal to me, so there is a comfort level there. By no means does that make it good, but it is what it is, and it is my normal.

I function adequately in social situations. But then again, so did Patrick Bateman and Dexter Morgan. Those two people may be fiction characters with homicidal instincts, but I related to them, just not the homicidal part, just their social angst. Very often they would put on a fake smile and thrill people with their small talk to get through a social event. I do that as well. I am not very comfortable in social settings and that makes it difficult for me to get emotionally close to people.

To make matters worse for me, I am usually confused by anyone that does get close to me. The whole thing is overwhelming to me at times. It can sometimes get to the point that I am the most tense around the people I’m supposed to be closest with. And that can sometimes make situations more uncomfortable. But all of this seems so incredibly normal to me.

Underachieving and sometimes failure are also two things I’m quite used to. Throughout my years in school, I would always just get by. I was often told that I could do better, but I interpreted those words to mean “I am not good enough” which would then result in me shutting down my efforts more than usual, but then again, just getting by was my normal.

In my professional career, I have been promoted a few times. Unfortunately, some of those promotions did not last. In some cases, the promotions were only given to me after the higher ups had exhausted every other option they had. I’ve actually had a promotion offered to me due to me being “the least unqualified” for the position. Backhanded compliments like that do wonders to my already frail ego and esteem. But, it all seems to normal to me.

I do have a good set of friends in my life. I have been able to accept that, but I still don’t understand it. And while I do have good people, I also still seem to very often get myself into unhealthy situations with people that challenge my ability to grow my esteem and generally don’t advance much. But as I’ve been saying, it’s my normal.

Sadness is not what I strive for, at least I don’t believe I do. After writing this, I am starting to wonder about it. But sadness is a comfortable feeling for me. It’s been my normal for most of my conscience existence. Everyone has a “comfort zone.” Happiness is not mine. Although, the confusion surrounding happiness is not too far removed from my comfort zone.

I feel that this entry is skipping around a little bit into the subtopics of what I’m discussing, and in some ways I’m just starting to scratch the surface of the issue. And I do hope to be able to get more of this out there in the near future. It’s just that I’ve lacked the motivation lately, but that’s also normal for me. In addition, I do genuinely hope that one day I can write about all of this again, but in the past tense. It might be nice to have my normal be a positive thing. I don’t know what that’s like. Maybe one day I’ll be there and hopefully it won’t confuse me as much as it has so far.