Category Archives: Random Stuff

Decay of Fortune and Might

Posted by MaskedSanity on

There is nothing that has been a more consistent element in my depression and anxiety in my life more than financial worries. A lack of financial success has contributed to my stress, my lack of a social life, and in some ways my lack of what could be considered progress in life.

In Spring of 1999 I applied for and was given my first credit card. It had a $200 spending limit. I would use it when I needed to and I always paid it off. Then I got another card with a bigger limit. Then I got another one and another and another and another. It kept going. I kept using the credit I had available to me. I had a MasterCard, Discover Card, American Express, more than one Visa, and a few store specific cards. By January, 2010 my credit card debt was close to $40,000.

I had to do something about my debt. I had looked into bankruptcy as an option. I had looked into debt settlement agencies, only to read about how it could actually negatively impact my credit rating. However, I didn’t really need to worry about the settlement issues because it’s not legal in my state. But that didn’t stop the person on the other end of the phone from suggesting I set up an address in another state. Sounds like a reasonable organization, right? But, I’m getting off track…

I did get in touch with a debt counselling service based on someone’s recommendation. They told me what they could do for me and what the conditions were. It was pretty clear. They negotiated with all of my credit card companies and got my interest rates lowered to reasonable amounts. All of my accounts were closed or suspended. I had to pay off whatever I owed, there was no forgiveness. And by no means was I permitted to use a credit card during while I still owed anything. I accepted the terms and got on my path to financial freedom.

Less than one year later I lost my job. I was able to collect unemployment, but my income was not what it used to be. I decided to make a drastic move and I cashed out my 401k. I put all of it towards my debt and made a significant impact on it. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. My 401k was for my future, and you’re right. But with that debt hanging over me, I had no future. I needed it gone. The 401k did not finish the job, but it made it manageable again. I was able to lower my monthly payments and get by with what I was collecting.

Over the course of the next year or so I sold some stocks that I had invested in and put them towards my debt as well, and also I did end up with another job. It paid me less than my previous one, but it was a job. I filed my taxes in early February, 2013 and saw the amount that I was going to be refunded. It was more than I owed. The day that money was in my account, I called the debt agency and let them know I wanted to make an extra payment. When I was asked how much the payment would be, I replied “every last cent I owe.” That was the best phone call I had ever made. They let me know that I would not see the results IMMEDIATELY, but within a few weeks everything would be settled. I checked my account on their website daily. Sometimes I looked at it multiple times in a day.

On the morning of March 12, 2013 I was at my gym. In between sets I used my phone to look up my account. It said “DEBT FREE.” I sat there for a few seconds before it sunk it, and I wept. The burden was gone. I could finally say that I owed NOTHING. I went back to my house and took a picture of ALL of my credit cards, since I had saved them. I then shredded ALL OF THEM and took a picture of them afterwards. I posted those pictures online, because well…
isn’t that how we all announce good news?

It’s now been two years to the day since I’ve been debt free. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I don’t have much money to my name at all. I live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck. I have a new job that actually pays me less than I’ve been paid since I started with the credit cards to being with. Very often I am completely struggling to get by. I’ve learned the importance of coupons and rewards cards.

But here’s the big difference in my financial burden now and my burden from a few years ago. If I can’t afford something, I don’t do it. That’s a good thing. The bad thing is how much I’ve feel I’ve missed out on due not being able to afford it. However, the flip side to that is how much more I appreciate anything and everything that I am capable of doing.

Of course, while I do have the appreciation, I still have the sometimes overwhelming feeling of hopelessness since I’ve not been able to get ahead at all. Don’t think I’m not putting forth an effort. It’s just not easy.

I recently read an excellent book called “Hand to Mouth: Living in Bootstrap America” by Linda Tirado. Yes, that’s where I got the “hand to mouth” line that I used. The book about her struggles with fiances, depression (due to finances and not due to finances), stigma of being poor and depressed, and just coping with all of it really got to me. It showed me that I AM NOT ALONE. That’s something I’ve tried to convey to people struggling with life’s issues. They’re not alone and sometimes I need to be reminded of that myself.. And reading about her problems gave me some comfort. Not that I am glad she struggled, or that anyone is going through similar issues, but I still got comfort knowing that there’s others like me.

I seriously recommend that book to anyone with financial struggles. And I also recommend that people read the original article that got her noticed, which I will link to HERE.

In summary, I spent most of my 20s building my debt and burying myself under it. I spent most of my 30s paying it off and climbing out of the hole. But here I am, two years removed from credit card debt and still way under the poverty line and still very close to being completely broke. If I want to look at the bright side of it, I’ve never been in a better financial position in life. I can also say that there’s never been a better time for me to be broke, because I have no debt. But looking at the bright side can only get me so far. Looking at my bank statements brings me back down to reality in a flash.

But like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m still fighting. Because like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I can’t give up. Because like every other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m determined to come out better.

Under a Veil of Stars Where the Darkness Grows

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A coworker recently asked me how I can be depressed. I was told that I’m a good looking guy that’s funny and I seem to enjoy what I’m doing. Well, that’s just the thing, isn’t it? What’s on the surface may not be what’s inside. A lot of people with depression issues hide them. Sometimes they hide them intentionally, sometimes it’s just a need, and sometimes it’s due to feelings of shame, which I’ve discussed before.

I’ve also realized that I’ve been guilty of thinking that way at times. Even with my depression and my awareness of it, I still fall into that trap. A few months back when a friend sent me a text about some of her issues, my first thought was “but she’s so pretty and so much fun, how can she be depressed?” I was actually pretty annoyed with myself for that, but it’s how we’ve been conditioned to think about it. Not everyone with depression is the dark, brooding, pale skinned, gothic looking person that is the stereotypical model of depression. Did Robin Williams seem like that to you?

This past November, Wayne Brady spoke about his battles with depression. Again, on the surface (and on television) he comes off a funny, happy, full of life person, but inside he’s suffering. He stated:

“Having a bad day is one thing, having a bad week is another, having a bad life … You don’t want to move, you can’t move in the darkness. You’re like, ‘I am just going to sit right here and I want to wallow in this. As much as it hurts, I am going to sit right here because this is what I deserve. This is what I deserve, so I am going to sit here because I am that horrible of a person.’”

He said he DESERVES to suffer. How can anyone believe that about themselves? Wayne Brady is a television star. He has money and fame, yet he feels he deserves to suffer. He feels that he’s a horrible person. How can that be? How does that make sense? It makes perfect sense to me, because I feel the same way at times. I feel that I NEED to suffer. I feel that I AM SUPPOSED to suffer.

You would not know any of this about Wayne Brady if you watched him hosting Let’s Make a Deal or appearing on Whose Line is it Anyway? He always appears full of life and he’s so much fun, right? The friend that texted me appeared that way to me too. Apparently, I appear that way to some coworkers. Robin Williams appeared that way on stage. But we all share a pain that really can’t be understood by someone that doesn’t go through it as well. I can tell you that I feel empty inside. And maybe you can relate to a time when you lost something you felt strongly about. Maybe you can relate to the time you didn’t win a game. That feeling wasn’t good. I feel that way MOST of the time, except worse.

It’s because of my awareness that not only do I try not to be judgmental about people’s issues, but I know I can’t be. The last thing that someone that is suffering and feels they need to be suffering wants to hear is someone being critical or dismissive of their problems. That is why I’ve been known to reach out to friends if I see something they’ve posted online that seems like something that may be going through. That is why I am so quick to offer help to them and let them know that I’m always willing to listen to them if they need to talk. I also know it’s very possible they may never take me up on that offer, because I know how difficult it can be to talk about these things at times, especially if you’re trying to keep up the appearance of someone that has it together. But regardless, I want them to know that SOMEBODY cares. Sometimes when I reach out I’ll simply let them know they’re not alone. Sometimes I’ll try to find an appropriate joke to go with the situation. But more than anything, I try to be as understanding as possible. That may mean that I don’t say anything, I just listen, and by doing that I’m being more helpful that a lot of other people would be.

At Life’s Four-Way Stop

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It’s that time again, it’s the end of the year. It’s time for me to ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Two years ago I said yes, last year I wasn’t sure. This year I don’t think I am. I have way too many questions, not enough answers, and (what I see as) a lack of any real forward movement in my life.

With that said, there is one area of my life where I think I made drastic improvement, and that is being able to identify and deal with my depression and anxieties. However, I believe it’s mostly because I have fallen into a pretty bad depression and I have more anxieties. So, basically there’s more to work with there.

Overall, 2014 was a challenging year for me. I started off the year unemployed and not knowing if I was going to be collecting unemployment. A blizzard in early January made the wait to find out even longer as the Unemployment offices were shut down due to a state of emergency. To make a long story short, I did end up collecting, but I also was employed by the end of January. There’s good news and bad news about my employment. The good news is that I actually do like my job. The bad news is that my salary is the lowest it’s been since the late 1990s. It’s a weird trade off for me, but it’s one I was willing to do in 2014.

My low salary has not helped my stress levels though. While I remained debt free in 2014 and have not used a credit card in almost five years, I am just getting by. I sometimes joked that I work just to be able to afford enough gas in my car to get me to the supermarket to buy whatever food I can afford, with as many coupons as possible. I don’t dislike eating Ramen noodles, but I also know it’s not exactly healthy, but it’s sometimes all I can afford.

I don’t know if I can say that my social life is better off than it was. While I KNOW that I have more legitimate friends than I’ve had before, I’ve also never felt lonelier than I do now. This is a subject I’ll probably get into in more detail in a future post, but my inability to connect, or reconnect, with certain people has taken its toll on me. I can most assuredly tell you that if I were to leave my house more often or hang out with people more often, it would not necessarily help me. My social anxieties have also become heightened. I’ve gone from being slightly uncomfortable in social settings to almost outright dreading them.

My depression levels have risen to such heights…
wait, is that possible?
My depression levels have sunk to such depths that my motivation to do almost anything is not there. I barely leave my house on weekends. On some recent weekends, I’ve barely left my bed. I will sit in my room watching clips of things on YouTube because I don’t have the attention span for anything beyond 4 minutes.

I wanted to read one book per month in 2014. I ended up reading ONE book. However, does it really count since I started it in late 2013?

One aspect of 2014 that I am truly proud of is my running in five 5k races. All five of them were better times than the races I had run in previous years. I went into detail about my feelings on these races in a previous entry. I will likely run more races in 2015, but as of now, I don’t know when.

I did have some specific fitness goals for 2014. One of which was met ever so briefly. My default weight seems to be about 205 – 210 pounds. It seems that getting under that range is not too easy for me. Surpassing that range is a lot less difficult than it used to be. But, I wanted to be under 200 in 2014. I started the year at 204. There was a point in 2014 where I dropped to around 195 pounds. I would have liked to have been proud of that accomplishment, but it was immediately after something upset me and eating and/or holding food in was slightly difficult. I felt my depression robbed me of being proud of my accomplishment. And I’m back up to around 210 pounds.

The other specific fitness goal I had for 2014 was to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. Well, I’m still not even close. However, I did not try often. I only did the routines that it’s featured in a few times. I’ve more or less planned out my entire year of DDP Yoga workouts, so let’s see if I can get it done this time.

One other thing that happened to me in 2014 is something that I see as a mix of good and bad. I wrote some particularly deep blog entries and judging by some of the responses I received from people, I may actually be helping people with their issues. When I received text messages from some friends after one of my entries and those messages included them telling me how much they mean to me and/or telling me of their own battles with depression, I felt good. Not good that they’re suffering, but that my little blog here actually gives them support and comfort. Yes, I know this is a good thing that I’m writing about. A problem that I have with it is that regardless of the compliments, support, and friendships, I still feel lonely and insignificant. I wish that was different.

I have used the exact same New Year’s Resolution for the last few years, and it’s simply “to make it better” in the new year. Going into 2015, I’m not even sure what “it” is, but I know I want things to be better for me. I really NEED things to be better for me. I don’t want moments of hope to turn into months of despair. I don’t want brief glimpses of happiness to be washed away by harsh realities. I want my moments of hope to turn into real sustained happiness. Of course, I don’t know how possible any of it is. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t keep going…
Even if I don’t know where that destination is.

2014 Album of the Year

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mushroomhead-righteous-butterfly-artwork

1- Mushroomhead – the Righteous and the Butterfly
2- The Black Keys – Turn Blue
3- Those Poor Bastards – Vicious Losers
4- Bloodbath – Grand Morbid Funeral
5- Fozzy – Do You Wanna Start a War?
6- Scott H. Biram – Nothin’ But Blood
7- Within Temptation – Hydra
8- Arch Enemy – War Eternal
9- Opeth – Pale Communion
10- Lacuna Coil – Broken Crown Halo

Mushroomhead’s the Righteous and the Butterfly was dedicated to two of their fallen friends and they did them proud. From beginning to end, the album did not disappoint me. In fact, there’s not a single track on the album that I dislike. And also considering the lineup changes and the fact that their old singer J. Mann returned while not replacing his replacement Waylon, just joining him and Jeffrey Nothing to make Mushroomhead have three vocalists made it a very interesting dynamic. Their album prior to this one, 2010’s Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children was a weaker effort for them. The Righteous and the Butterfly is a great return to form and then some. And besides, they covered Adele’s “Rumor Has It,” which is a must hear.

Tracks I highly recommend hearing on this album include “Our Apologies,” “How Many Times,” “Qwerty,” “Portraits of the Poor,” “Childlike,” “We Are the Truth,” and “Rumor Has It.”

In early June I went for a long ride in my car and the Black Keys’ Turn Blue was the soundtrack for that ride. It was the perfect soundtrack for the day and my mood. I’m somewhat new to the Black Keys, having only been listening to them for the last few years, but they’re good. I probably should look into their old albums. But, Turn Blue is one I think most people would like. It’s got a nice moden bluesy feel to it that I really appreciate.

I recommends songs such as “Weight of Love,” “In Time,” “Turn Blue,” “Waiting on Words,” and “Gotta Get Away.”

A few years ago Hank Williams III talked about his friends Those Poor Bastards on his Facebook page. I downloaded am album and occasionally listed to it. Maybe two months ago I decided to really give it a listen and it just clicked with me. I decided to see if they had any newer releases and to my pleasant surprise, they had a new album out. I ordered it and haven’t stopped listening to it and this group has shot up to the top of my list of bands I would like to see live. Their style is described as “miserable and primitive old-time gothic country music.” That sounds good to me, literally and figuratively. If any of this sounds interesting, check out Vicious Losers.

Some of the better tracks from Vicious Losers include “I am Lost,” “Give Me Drugs,” “Lonely Man,” “Trouble at Home,” and “Born to Preach.”

Bloodbath’s Grand Morbid Funeral is their third consecutive album with a new singer. On this album, they went deep into their Death Metal roots and got Nick Holmes from Paradise Lost to return to his own Death Metal roots and be the new singer. Once I heard that news I was IMMEDIATELY interested in this album. Seriously, how could an album featuring members of Katatonia, Opeth, and now Paradise Lost disappoint? Well, it didn’t. It’s just pure Death Metal at its best. If you’ve ever been a fan of the genre, and even if you’ve fallen out of it, this is an album you need to hear. Holmes was able to belt out some good growls that we haven’t heard from him in nearly 20 years.

I suggest “Let the Stillborn Come to Me,” “Anne,” “Church of Vastitas,” “Beyond Cremation,” and “Unite in Pain” as good sample tracks.

Some people still don’t take Fozzy seriously just because it’s a band featuring a professional wrestler as its singer. Well, I can honestly say that I may not have given them a chance if that connection didn’t exist. But, I’ve been listening to them almost since day one and they’re damn good. Chris Jericho’s vocal range is not as appreciated as it should be. He’s very influenced by hard rock bands of the 1980s, but he’s able to sing a bit more than just their style of music. There’s been some lineup changes since their formation, but Fozzy pretty much started off as Stuck Mojo with Chris Jericho singing, but even with those changes, the integrity of their style has remained intact. They appeared in my Top 10 Albums List in 2010 and they’re back now in 2014 with Do You Wanna Start a War.

“Do You Wanna Start a War,” “Lights Go Out,” and their cover of ABBA’s “SOS” are some of the better tracks on this album.

I’ve been listening to Scott H. Biram for almost a full decade now. His songs range from straight up Southern Blues to Hellbilly to Punk. And he’s yet to release an album that I didn’t like. Nothin’ But Blood is no exception to that rule. This album has a mix of everything I just described. Sometimes it’s very nice to listen to something that doesn’t have a lot of production and effects. I appreciate and respect it. If you like an old fashioned Blues album with a mix of a few different influences, check out Biram and Nothin’ But Blood.

Tracks such as “Gotta Get to Heaven,” “Alcohol Blues,” “Jack of Diamonds,” “Church Point Girls,” and especially “Slow & Easy” are the highlights of this really solid album.

Within Temptation has an almost majestic sound to them. Hydra is not any different from their previous releases, in that aspect. They are one of two former Album of the Year winners to appear on this list, as 2011’s the Unforgiving won the award. Hydra is not necessarily weaker than the Unforgiving, but it didn’t pull me in as much as the Unforgiving. However, that doesn’t mean Hyrda is bad at all, obviously not, if it’s the 7th best of 2014. It’s definitely a Within Temptation album, and that’s a good thing.

“Let Us Burn,” “Paradise (What About Us),” “And We Run,” and “Covered by Roses” are some of the standout tracks, as well as their cover of Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” which appears on the bonus disc.

Over the last years, Arch Enemy has been a band that I pretty much gave up on. It’s not that they put out any particularly bad albums, but I just lost interest in them. When I saw the news earlier in 2014 that their singer, Angela Gossow was stepping away and their new album, War Eternal would have a new singer Alissa White-Gluz, I thought I would give them another shot. Maybe they would be rejuvenated. Well, I was not disappointed. I had not liked an Arch Enemy album this much in years. Their musical style remained intact and White-Gluz fit right in to the vocal style perfectly. It also made me want to hear more of her catalog, and I may check that out as well.

“War Eternal,” “You Will Know My Name,” and ” As the Pages Burn” are my favorite tracks on this album.

Opeth, Opeth, Opeth….. Well, Pale Communion did not disappoint me. This was their first release since they’ve stopped doing Death Metal style vocals that I knew what I was getting into and didn’t miss it. That says a lot. Actually, Pale Communion makes me want to makes want to listen to the last two Opeth albums a bit more. It makes me dislike them less, because now they have more in their library that doesn’t have the Death Metal vocals and the “new” style is more focused. They’re definitely more of a progressive band than a death band now, and I don’t necessarily miss the old style anymore. I do admit that Pale Communion DID have to grow on me, but it did. And I do like it more with each listen.

My favorite tracks on Pale Communion are “Eternal Rains Will Come,” “Cusp of Eternity,” and “Voice of Treason.”

Lacuna Coil’s 2012 Dark Adrenaline was the best release they had in a decade. They followed it up with Broken Crown Halo, which was not as strong. When I first heard the name of the album, I thought it sounded like a Katatonia album without the ironic humor. But that doesn’t matter, the quality of the music does. And while it’s not a bad album, it doesn’t come close to their best work. I think it starts off great with “Nothing Stands in Our Way.” In fact, I had such incredible hopes when I first heard that track. The fact that there were some growling vocals on it got me a lot more interested in the rest of the album, but not only did they not reappear, the rest of the album didn’t live up to the opening track. I saw Lacuna Coil perform live in September and some of the songs of Broken Crown Halo were done in the show and they grew on me a little bit. The album is good enough to be in my Top 10, but they’ve done better.

Besides “Nothing Stands in Our Way” I recommend “Die & Rise” and “In the End I Feel Alive” as good tracks to hear.

So with my top 10 out of the way, that brings me to some other releases in 2014.

After waiting almost 20 years to see Downset live, I finally had the chance in July. The show was what I hoped it to be and I was 100% satisfied. They had a new album called One Blood with all new tracks. I got the album and gave it shot. It sounds exactly like their 1994 release. And while that should be a good thing, it isn’t. It’s too formulaic and cliche for them. I’m glad they’re back together and doing stuff, but this wasn’t great.

Anathema’s Weather Systems came out in 2012 and if it wasn’t for so many great albums that year, it would likely have been ranked higher than 4th on my list. It was that good, and so was 2012, in general, for new music. So, the anticipation for their 2014 album, Distant Satellites, was high. Not only did it not live up to the anticipation, it just annoyed me. There is only one track on it that really stood out, and it was for the wrong reasons. When I first heard “You’re Not Alone” I contacted some friends and told them the song sounded like Steven Wilson at his most pretentious. Later on, I found out that he actually produced that song, and it all made sense. Bottom line, Distant Satellites is not the best effort from Anathema.

There was also another new CD from Hank Williams III, but like some previous years, it’s just a money grab from his former record label. They keep releasing compilations of songs that he did on other things and making some money off of his name, so that album is not eligible for Album of the Year.

I don’t rank live albums on my list, but there were some damn good ones this year, including:
– Timeless by John Hammond
– All My Friends: Celebrating the Songs & Voice of Gregg Allman
– Play All Night: Live at the Beacon Theater 1992 by the Allman Brothers Band
– Last Fair Day Gone Night from Katatonia

I am very much looking forward to 2015’s releases. I know that Clutch is working on new material and I look forward to that. Lacuna Coil has already discussed what direction they’re going in for their next album, and I hope it’s a good one. Nick Holmes has stated he’s been inspired by his work on Bloodbath and it’s possible that the next Paradise Lost record could have some more Death Metal elements in it. And that leads to the most anticipated release I’ve known of in a very long time. In early Spring, Faith No More will release their first new album since 1997. I am biased and I admit now that I hope it’s ranked #1 at this point next year. Although, I also hope it’s good enough to be there, but other albums make me question it.

A note about eligibility for my 2014 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States street date in 2014
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist)
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material

I Trust the Speed Until I Have No Need to Run Anymore

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As I was training for one of the 5k races I ran over the last few months, someone asked me if I loved running. I paused for a moment and said “Not really, but I do love crossing the finish line.” It was at that moment when I realized how much crossing the finish line really does mean to me. Yes, I’ve written about the races I ran in 2012 and 2013 and the feeling of accomplishment I had when I finished those races, but this year it was different. I didn’t just do one race this year, I did five. I set personal records in 3 out of the 5. But I still don’t think that alone was what it was all about for me this year.

My depression has consumed me for much of this year. I’ve become much more aware of it than I used to be. I’ve realized just how much of my daily life is dictated by my mood. I’ve realized that it’s a vicious cycle that I haven’t been able to break. How does running 3.1 miles have anything to do with that? It’s actually simple when you think about it. When ever I cross that finish line, I’ve accomplished something that cannot be taken away from me. And the feeling of victory I have when I cross that line is not something I’ve often experienced.

In 2012 I ran my first 5k and completed it in 29 minutes and 45 seconds. I was VERY proud of that accomplishment and what that entire day meant to me. In 2013 I ran the same race in 32 minutes and 12 seconds. I didn’t do as well, but I still finished and still felt accomplished. My racing was limited to just that one race in each year due to the work schedule I had at the time. My schedule wasn’t the same this year, so I was able to do more races and I ran five of them this year.

The first one I did was the same race I had done in 2012 and 2013, it was my town’s annual 5k race. I did not slow down to walk until a bit after the first mile, which I crossed at about 8 minutes and 40 seconds. I knew I was on a good pace, but a little past that first mile I started getting a pain in my right side, so I had to slow down a little bit. I kept going and changed it up from a run to a walk when needed. This race ends at the racetrack at the town’s high school. When I turned the corner of the track and saw that I was just over 29 minutes, I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 24.5 seconds. I had beaten my best time by 20 seconds. My only real goal for that race was to be under 30 minutes again, since I didn’t feel too confident going into it. My goal was met.

The next race I did was a few weeks later. The path for this race was not too hilly, but had a lot of incline in it. The incline worried me and I felt that crossing the finish line at about 30 minutes and 15 seconds would be good for me. But, I also knew that as long as I finished the race, I should feel proud. Despite the having slight difficulty breaking out of the pack at the beginning of the race due to so many young kids grouped up in front of me, my first mile was 8 minutes and 20 seconds. I didn’t expect that. And once again, shortly after that first mile, the slight pain in my side started and I had to slow it down a bit. When I made that final left turn and saw the finish line, I saw that the clock had JUST crossed 29 minutes, so again I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 14.4 seconds. One minute better than my goal and 10.1 seconds better than my previous best time! I was quite satisfied with myself.

My third race of the year was a bit more challenging for me. It was raining a lot during the race and I had never run in conditions like that before. Due to the weather, I didn’t put any pressure on myself to set a personal record, I just wanted a time that I felt was respectable. When I got the one mile marker at just 8 minutes I started to reconsider that personal record thing. I knew it was now attainable. Somewhere around the 2 miles point there was a stretch of a block or two that was unpaved and the ground was ripped up. I did not feel comfortable running in that, so I walked that portion. That worked out somewhat in my favor because my glasses were completely fogged up and my side was hurting. Once I wiped off my glasses and got past that area, I picked up the pace. A minute or so later, I noticed my left shoelace had come untied. I stepped onto a sidewalk and fixed that and then ran a bit. Once the finish line came into view, I saw that it was again just past 29 minutes. I had a chance to set a personal record again, but I crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 18.4 seconds. I missed my record by FOUR seconds. Yeah, it bothered me a little bit since I got my confidence up early in the race, but I was still incredibly proud of my accomplishment given the conditions I was not used to.

The 2nd, 4th, and 5th races that I ran this year were part of a series of a “Triple Crown” that three towns sponsored. And before the 4th race, I saw various posts online that said because it was a “fast and flat” race that many people set personal records on it. Well, this time I actually set forth to do so. I had 3 goals for the race. The first was to be under 29 minutes, the second was to at least set a new record, and the third was just to finish. My feelings of accomplishment would be good if I did any of those. Much like my 2nd race of the year, I had a hard time getting out of the pack at the beginning. This time, not only did I have a lot of children in my way, but I had dogs as well. Yes, there were dogs in this race. I got to the 1st mile marked at about 8 minutes and 45 seconds, so I didn’t think I was on pace for a personal record, but I still had some energy so I kept running for a little bit longer than I normally do past that mile. I noticed that I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes, so I had picked up some time. I also felt the last 1.1 miles were good for me. And this time, I made a right turn to the finish line and again, it had just crossed over to 29 minutes, so I put every last bit of energy I had into it and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 12.9 seconds. I didn’t finish in under 29 minutes, but I did set a new personal record. Again, I was quite happy with myself.

The third portion of the Triple Crown and the final race that I intended to run in 2014 was on a very chilly morning. It was only about 35 degrees out and I was concerned about my lungs and their ability to handle the cold air. I was appropriately dressed for the race, but it was still a concern for me. My three goals for the last race were in effect here too. My first mile issue of not being able to break away happened again and I crossed the first mile at 9 minutes. I figured that a sub-29 minute race was now impossible, but a personal record was not. When I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes and 30 seconds, I started to again think about that 29 minute thing, especially since I knew I had already gotten past the one big incline this path had. However, the last 1.1 miles was rough for me. I wasn’t able to keep up the pace and ended up crossing the finish line at 29 minutes and 40.4 seconds. It was my slowest finish of the year, but I was not in the least bit upset.

Out of 61 males to complete all 3 portions of the Triple Crown, I finished in 47th place. I am very proud of that. The people that won those races finished them in times that I can’t begin to comprehend. But I’m sure they’ve been doing this a lot a longer than I have. And I’m also not ever concerned about “winning” a race. To me, crossing the finish line IS winning.

I finished five races this year, all under 30 minutes. In 3 of the 5 I set personal records. My consistency is pretty damn good. There’s only 28 seconds separating my fastest and slowest finishes. And each and every time I crossed that finish line, regardless of the time, I had accomplished something. I finished something. And each and every time, it meant something.

I am generally lethargic, unmotivated, and not disciplined enough to get things done. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as “just doing it” for me. But, these races have shown me that it is possible to accomplish something. I do put forth time and effort into training for them, but very often I feel that I won’t be able to do get it done. It’s my nature to doubt myself. It’s also my nurturing to doubt myself. But, maybe I can use these races as a catalyst to better things for me. Because on five separate occasions this year I was able to start something and just under 30 minutes later, I was able to finish it. And while the high I feel from crossing those finish lines does eventually go away, the accomplishments live forever, and that’s something that not even my depression can take away from me.

The Curse of “There Must Be More.”

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This entry is being published on July 1, 2014. That means there are only 733 days left until my 40th birthday. That impending milestone has me reflecting on things a little bit more than I usually do right before a birthday. Not only am I looking at where I’ve been and where I am, but I’m most definitely looking at where I’m going.

I’ve written a lot about how I’ve been programmed and how things from my past have had a definite negative impact on my life so far. But, the last two words of the previous sentence need to be important, “so far.” I need the “so far” to be more of an “up until now” instead of “so far.”

There’s always been somebody or some thing holding me back. To some degree, that somebody was me, but if I was strong enough to break free from various negative influences, I may not have any of this to write about. If I didn’t have the issues that I wrote about in my last entry, maybe I would be strong enough. However, there’s not much I can do to change what has happened. I can only change the direction that my life goes from this point on.

I probably should have accomplished a lot more by now. I probably should have been a lot more independent than I have been. There’s a lot of factors that went into why I’m not. Again, in some cases it comes down to how I was programmed by certain influences in my life. And while those influences may not be around any more, I haven’t truly been able to break free. And that leads to me feeling like I haven’t truly hit my stride in “adulthood” yet.

In my younger days I was often told that I was incredibly selfish. If I was selfish in any capacity, it was due to my belief that the only person that was truly looking out for my best interest was actually me. In recent years, I’ve been told that I spend too much time worrying about other people and not enough about myself. So once again, I need to find a balance somewhere in life.

Over the last few years, I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to improve myself. I KNOW I’m better off than I was in various aspects, but the aspects I haven’t been able to improve cause me so much stress. But I also know I shouldn’t be upset about things I can’t control, and unfortunately a lot of what has stressed me out are things (or people) that I can’t control. Does that mean I should stop trying? I don’t know. I know I have put forth my best efforts there, it’s just that the results haven’t matched the efforts.

I seriously do wish I was better off than I am. I wish a lot of things had gone differently in my life. But I’m not and they didn’t. There is nothing I can do about any of that now. It is what it is, and it was what it was. Everything that’s happened has made me who and I what I am. I wasn’t dealt the best hand in the game of life. I’m not setting my 40th birthday as the specific goal date of having everything in place. I know that’s not necessarily realistic. But when I look back at this in 2 years, or at any point in between now and then, I hope to be able to say that I’m definitely on my way to something better. And a quote that I like from someone who I know has had a very rough life, but is determined to make the best of his situation from now on is how I’m going to end the entry. It’s a very wise quote and it’s something that anyone that has struggled throughout life can gain something from.

“My history will not be my destiny.”
– Jake Roberts

The Promise of Deceit

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My New Year’s Resolution for the last few years has been “to make it better.” And at the end of the year I’ll I always ask myself “am I better off than I was a year ago?” It’s difficult for me to answer that question in 2013. There’s been some bad things that have happened to me, but there’s also been some good things to counter them. There’s been some challenges and there’s been some victories, but there’s also been some victories followed by complications. In many ways I feel that my life in 2013 was in a holding pattern. I wonder if this is the balance I’ve spoken of.

In my 2012 year end blog I mentioned that I knew my credit card debt would be paid off at some point in the first half of 2013. I accomplished that goal in March. Two of the best feelings I’ve ever had were the times I made the phone call to authorize the final payment towards my debt and a few weeks later when I saw the statement that said two simple words, “Debt Free.” From that point, I started a budget plan and by the end of the year I was finally able to start comfortably putting some money aside from each paycheck in an effort to build up some savings. Of course, I didn’t anticipate losing my job in the process. Yeah, that happened. I’ve been unemployed for just over one month now. A victory followed by a challenge. Am I better off than I was a year ago. Well, I’ve been in a better position in my life to be unemployed, so sure. I’m better there, but having no income is not better. Don’t worry, I’m working on fixing that issue.

I’ve written about my depression and my sadness a few times during the year. Those issues are still quite prevalent, and may always be, I don’t know. But I do know that during the month of unemployment, I did go into a funk which resulted in laziness and a bit of depression. Much like I’ve stated before, I don’t know which of those traits comes first, but they’re both there. I have always believed that my awareness of the issues is my key to combating them. I also believe that speaking about it helps, and so many of you that have reached out to me have shown me that no matter how lonely I may feel at times, I am truly not alone. So, it’s possible that while I may feel lonely, depressed, and lazy at the moment, I may actually be better off than I was a year ago.

I ran another 5k during the year. My time was not as good as my time in 2012. I did not match my previous time, nor did I meet the goal time I had. But, I DID finish the race in a respectable time. I’ve stated that I was not really thrilled my effort during the race, but I was satisfied with the result. I’ll call that a wash.

Early in the summer I had decided I wanted to be at a specific weight. I needed to lose 10 pounds to get there, or so I thought. I had actually gained 15 pounds without even realizing it. That post 30 slower metabolism is rough. So in order to lose the (now 25) extra pounds I changed my diet, started a stricter DDP Yoga regimen, and paid close attention to the calories I took in and burned during a day. As of now, with just a few hours left in 2013 I still have not met my goal weight, but I am within 5 pounds of it. I also understand that I did lose fat and gain muscle, which is a good thing. And despite not hitting my goal, I am still in the best shape of my life, so I’ll say that I am indeed better off than I was a year ago.

“My social life is no worse off than it was a year ago. In fact, I would say it’s a bit better. I’ve definitely made a few more friends and gotten closer to some people that were only acquaintances before. And both of those things are good things.

In last year’s year end blog I talked about obstacles in my way and my desire to move past them. I moved past as many of them as I could. As it turns out, some of them are not movable. But in those cases, I’ve learned to go around them or re-evaluate the situation to the best of my ability. Regardless of whether I got past them or not, I have no regrets to how I handled any of it.”

The last two paragraphs were taken directly from 2012’s year end blog. The sentiments from both paragraphs are echoed for 2013. I made some new friends, I got re-acquainted with some old ones, and strengthened a few relationships. I also have obstacles in my way that I haven’t been able to get past. But, I still do not regret any choices, actions, or feelings I have on any of those situations. I did what I did because it was the right thing to do at the time and in the long run. I would tell you that I”m stronger for my actions, but I’m still depressed over some of the results, or lack of, so goes back to that holding pattern. I am no better nor worse than I was a year ago.

Early in 2013, I lost my uncle. There was a long period of time that I had little to no contact with him or his side of the family due to issues that I really don’t understand fully. We had reconciled and had some good moments in late 2012, which made everything a bit easier for me. But also, while I lost my uncle in 2013 I also became an uncle in 2013. And, every time I see my nephew brings me so much joy. He’s actually a motivation for me to improve things in my life. I want to take him to a Yankees game when he’s old enough to enjoy it. And the way ticket prices are, I need to get myself a really good job to be able to start saving to possibly afford anything resembling good tickets for that. I don’t know if I can say that this is either better or worse, but it is part of the circle of life and there’s almost a balance to it.

I think 2014 will require changes to hit my goals. My goals for 2014 are somewhat simple. 365 days from now when I write a recap of 2013, I want to say “Yes, I AM better off than I was a year ago.” I want to say it with conviction and I want to see it without hesitation. I also want to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. I haven’t even come close to that yet.

I have two quotes that sum up things about life and I think are somewhat appropriate.

“Do or do not, there is no try.” – Yoda

I think, in some cases that’s easier said than done. I don’t want to go against the words of the great Jedi Master, but sometimes I feel that all I can do is try.

Over the past few years, I’ve been complemented by some people in regards to “how far I’ve come” in a short time. I’ve written about how I was never able to talk about feelings before, and I’ve come out of my shell a lot there. While other people are confused by my ability to discuss feelings, since I was never able to before. The quote I’m leaving you with sums up that area very well, and may even be part of my mantra for 2014

“Times change, and so must I… We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people, all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good. You gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” – The Doctor

2013 Album of the Year

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Wisdom-Of-Crowds

1- Wisdom of Crowds – Wisdom of Crowds
2- Clutch – Earth Rocker
3- Anneke Van Giersbergen – Drive
4- Gov’t Mule – Shout!
5- Hank Williams III – Brothers of the 4×4
6- Ministry – From Beer to Eternity
7- Tedeschi Trucks Band – Made Up Mind
8- Dark Tranquillity – Construct
9- Depeche Mode – Delta Machine
10- Black Sabbath – 13

This is the 10th time that I’ve done a blog and/or a countdown for my Albums of the Year. Last year, I wrote the difficulty I had choosing the top album, as Katatonia and Lacuna Coil both put out such strong albums. This year, I found myself with a similar dilema, as well as a new one. I’ll discuss the new dilemma after I do the run through of the top albums. And to give you a slight hint about the dilemma, let me just let you know that this year could have been the “Year of Jonas Renkse.”

Jonas Renkse is the lead singer of Katatonia, and it’s no secret that they’re one of my favorite groups. They’ve been awarded my Album of the Year honors twice (2009 and 2012) and have come close in other years. I heard that Jonas was going to be doing a project with Bruce Soord, whom I had never heard of. He has his own band, the Pineapple Thief. But, I’ve never heard of them either. Their project was called Wisdom of Crowds and I was curious to hear it. When I finally got the album, I could not believe what I was hearing. The music was a perfect fit for Jonas’s mellow tone. And on some tracks, I thought I was listening to early Nine Inch Nails stuff, especially with the emotion, and even with musical style. It’s a progressive album, and sometimes sounds a little poppy, but it’s still a solid album from beginning to end and I enjoy the ride it takes me on every time I listen to it, which is often. I look forward to more collaborations with Jonas Renkse and Bruce Soord, and I may even check out some of Soord’s other projects. But, as a result of this effort, I think Jonas Renkse has definitely solidified a spot as one of my favorite male vocalists working today.

I recommend every track on the album, but if I had to pick a few as a sample for people to check out, I would suggest “Wisdom of Crowds,” “Radio Star,” “Frozen North,” “Pleasure,” and “Pretend.”

One of the things I liked so much about Lacuna Coil’s album last year was that they “returned to form” after a few albums that disappointed me (to say the least). Clutch is a band that I’ve been listening to for over 20 years, and only once did they put out an album that I genuinely didn’t like, and that was 2009’s Strange Cousins From the West. I’m not alone in my dislike for it, and I’ve discussed it with friends a few times. The album never “grew on me” is a common statement about it. I think that’s the issue with it right there, it shouldn’t have had to.

However, Clutch’s 2013 album, Earth Rocker is definitely a return to form for them. It’s everything a Clutch album should be. If people ever ask me to classify Clutch, I can’t put them into a specific genre, but I do use the title of their 2001 album to describe them. They’re simply “Pure Rock Fury” and that’s exactly what Earth Rocker is. I couldn’t believe how much I liked the album when I was listening to it for the first time. And just as I was thinking “wow, this album rocks, there isn’t a mellow song yet,” I heard “Gone Cold” for the first time. That very well me the best blues song Clutch has created. That’s a bold statement, but I stand by it. It pulls at my heart’s strings, which is what a good blues song is supposed to do. It’s nice to see a band such as this return to what I want them to be.

Tracks from Earth Rocker that I believe you should check out include: “D.C. Sound Attack!,” “Crucial Velocity,” “Gone Cold,” “The Face,” and of course, the title track, “Earth Rocker.”

In last year’s blog, I mentioned that I felt Anneke Van Giersbergen had finally found HER sound as a solo artist. She expanded on that with this year’s realase, Drive. The album has some significant emotion in her voice, and sometimes it’s anger, but it works. And if Jonas Renkse is my favorite male vocalist at the moment, Anneke Van Giersbergen is definitely my favorite female vocalist.

Tracks to check out include “We Live On,” “The Best is Yet to Come,” and my favorite track on the album due to hearing the anger and emotion in it is “Treat Me Like a Lady.”

Gov’t Mule is the quintessential rock/jam band and their front man Warren Haynes is one of the best guitar players in the world. The first disc of Mule’s album Shout! would be a strong contender for anyone’s album of the year list by itself, but it’s the second disc of this double album that puts it over the top. The second disc has all of the songs from the first album redone with different singers. It’s interesting to hear the different interpretations of the songs, but in all honesty, the album would be in my top 10 even without the second disc.

I recommend tracks such as “Stoop So Low,” and I either version is excellent, but the second disc version with Dr. John is unreal. I also really liked “World Boss,” “Funny Little Tragedy,” and “Whisper in Your Soul.”

Hank Williams III put out two albums in 2013 and one of them was a double album. For some people that’s quite an accomplishment, but I consider it slacking for him. He put out 3 albums in 2011, and one of them was also a double album. Regardless of that, his double album, Brothers of the 4×4 is the 5th best album of 2013. Hank knows how to write a country song in the style that his legendary grandfather wrote, but still puts a modern take on it. The songs on the this album are slightly longer than I’m used to from him, and that just adds to the enjoyment. Brothers of the 4×4 is what I expect to hear from Hank, when he’s doing a country album, that is.

Track recommendations from Brothers of the 4×4 include “Nearly Gone,” “Hurtin’ for Certin,” “Toothpickin,” and “Loners 4 Life.”

I didn’t think I would be reviewing another Ministry album, especially since I saw their retirement tour in 2008, but they’re back with their second (and likely last) album since then. This album, From Beer to Eternity, like their previous, 2012’s Relapse is a fun album to listen to. You can seriously tell that they enjoyed making it. If this is indeed their final final album (and yes, I did mean to write “final” twice), it’s a good reminder of how good Ministry can be. Some of the songs on this album remind me of their peak from the late 1980s and early 1990s. If you like Ministry, or industrial music at all, you should check out From Beer to Eternity.

“Hail To His Majesty (Peasants),” “Permawar,” and “Side FX Include Mikey’s Middle Finger (TV 4)” stand out to me.

Made Up Mind from Tedeschi Trucks Band is a great mix of rock, blues, and funk. If you take those elements and through in the amazing guitar skills of Derek Trucks and the soulfull voice of Susan Tedeschi and you should have a great album. I can’t say enough things about Derek Trucks’ guitar skills. I truly believe he IS THE BEST guitar player alive today and watching/hearing a solo from him is just amazing at times. If you’re a fan of Trucks or Tedeschi, or the Gov’t Mule, or the Allman Brothers Band, this is an album you need to hear.

The title track, Made Up Mind is a great track, as are “Sweet and Low,” “All that I Need,” and “the Storm.”

It’s unfortunate for Dark Tranquillity that so many other bands that represent “The Gothenburg Sound” have fallen off and put out such incredible dreck over the last few years. It almost makes me afraid to hear a Dark Tranquillity release, but luckily for me, they have not disappoint me. Construct is another good release from them. I’m always so relieved when I hear that they haven’t lost the sound that makes them distinct. There’s a few times when listening to this album when I said “oh yeah, that’s Dark Tranquillity.” And that’s a good thing.

The opening track, “For Broken Words,” along with “Weight of the End,” and “State of Trust” are some of my favorite songs from the album.

Depeche Mode is on my list of Top Albums of the Year. Who saw that one coming? I know I didn’t, but here they are with Delta Machine. I don’t have a tremendous amount of Depeche Mode’s catalog, but I do have a few “best of” albums and a few of their other releases. I think there’s two or three songs on Delta Machine that could end up on a “best of” one day, and for a band that’s been around for over 30 years with as many hits as they’ve had, that’s saying something.

The songs I was referring to are “Welcome to My World,” “Heaven,” and “Soothe My Soul.”

If Depeche Mode on this list is surprising, so is Black Sabbath, especially since it’s the Ozzy Osbourne incarnation. If only for the fact that nobody ever thought that would happen again. And like Metallica and a few other acts before them, Black Sabbath went to Rick Rubin to produce the album and he made sure to capture the Black Sabbath sound that we expected and wanted to hear. Rubin has a way to get bands to sound like they should, which of course bothers me, because maybe they shouldn’t have strayed from that in the first place, but that’s a different rant for a different time. But, 13, the first album that Black Sabbath released with Ozzy Osbourne singing since 1978 is a solid Black Sabbath effort. As I’ve said, it has the sound we want and it is a good album to close out my 10th Annual Countdown.

Tracks from 13 that I suggest include “God is Dead?,” “Pariah,” and “Loner.”

Some notes on some other albums that came out in 2013:

For a few consecutive years I wrote in these blogs that Steven Wilson was a genius. His albums with Porcupine Tree and Blackfield usually ranked very high on my lists. However, over the last few years, Porcupine Tree has begun to disappoint me, Blackfield is fading, Wilson’s solo projects didn’t do much for me, and I don’t want to get into his Storm Corrosion collaboration. However, that didn’t stop me from getting his newest solo album, The Raven That Refused to Sing and Other Stories. Let me state that I don’t belive the album is nearly as bad as some of the other things I’ve heard from him over the last few years, but it didn’t do it for me. And seeing him perform some of the tracks live made me like them less than before, and that’s not supposed to happen. I would say that his music has become quite pretentious, but that wouldn’t insult him or the music, since he’s described it that way himself. If you like progressive albums, you may like this one. It just wasn’t for me.

Another progressive act that I enjoyed over the past decade was Arjen Lucassen’s Ayreon project. Lucassen will assemble a large cast of musicians to basically tell a story in a rock/prog opera style. 2004’s Human Equation was a masterpiece and 2008’s 01011001 brought Jonas Renkse and Anneke Van Giersbergen together for some songs, so how could I not like it? But Ayreon’s 2013 release, The Theory of Everything is really lacking where the others succeeded. It bothers me to say that, as one of my all-time favorite singers, Lacuna Coil’s Cristina Scabbia is on the album in a prominent role. It’s just that the story in this album isn’t that good and unlike other albums from Ayreon, there aren’t many (if any) songs on this album I would go out of my way to hear. Maybe Lucassen can rebound next time.

Nine Inch Nails came out of retirement and released Hesitation Marks. It’s okay, at best.

Carcass also resurfaced and put out Surgical Steel. It’s just not my thing.

Mike Patton’s Tomahawk released Oddfellows and like Nine Inch Nails, it’s okay.

The other release from Hank Williams III was a Hellbilly album called A Fiendish Threat. It’s not bad.

And that brings me to Katatonia. I struggled with this decision, but neither of Katatonia’s two released are eligible for consideration based on the rules I’ve previous set and followed for these lists. Katatonia won album of the year last year with Dead End Kings. They re-issued that album this year after changing up the musical style of it and called the album Dethroned & Uncrowned. While it is a new take on songs, it’s not new material and therefore, not eligible.

The other release from Katatonia was a 10th anniversary edition of Viva Emptiness. I always liked Viva Emptiness as it was, even though I always felt is sounded a little bit different from the rest of the Katatonia releases. Well, the band thought it did too, but they were never happy with it until now. They remastered, re-mixed, and re-released it this year. I now feel like the album I had been listening to since 2003 was nothing more than un unfinished demo-tape and I’ve finally been able to hear the final (and much better) product. However, it is still not new material, and can’t be considered for this list. Although, if either album from Katatonia were eligible, they would likely be very high on the list, and that would explain my previous comment that this could have been the “Year of Jonas Renkse.”

I don’t know many bands releasing albums in 2014, but I do know that 2011’s Album of the Year winner, Within Temptation will have a new album out early in the year. Scott H. Biram, Lacuna Coil, Anathema have also had some studio time soon, so I expect releases from them as well. All of those acts have had some stong albums recently, let’s hope that continues. I look forward to hearing what 2014 will bring me.

A note about eligibility for my 2013 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States street date in 2013
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist)
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material

I’ll Win This Race. I’ll Leave Alone, Arrive Alone.

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On September 1st of last year, I ran in my first ever organized 5K race. I had my sister with me by my side, and I still consider the entire event to be one of the proudest moments of my life. If you want more details of that race, please go back and read my blog about that by clicking here.

This year, one day before the anniversary of that wonderful day, I ran in the same race. This time, for reasons I’ll likely get into in a future entry, my sister could not run with me. Last year, I gave her A LOT of credit for pushing me to keep running and to get me to the finish line in 29 minutes and 45 seconds. Without her there, I hoped to have a comparable time this year. That was always my goal if I got to another race.

I practiced the distance on a treadmill at gyms a decent amount of times over the last few weeks and months. I did not do nearly the amount of practicing I did the year before. I also did not get to run outdoors as much as I did last year. However, I want to make it very clear that I am not making any excuses for anything. I just couldn’t make the outdoor running happen this time.

During some practice runs last year I learned VERY QUICKLY that running on a treadmill and running on pavement are INCREDIBLY different activities. My legs did NOT like outdoor running at all last year. This time around, they were a bit more accustomed to it, even if I didn’t do it as often.

Also, as I’ve mentioned in previous entries, I’ve been doing DDP Yoga for over a year. By coincidence, my initial 13 week program ended the day of last year’s race. It was a great culmination of effort on various fronts for me. For most of the time since last year’s race and this year, I didn’t follow any pre-planned program with DDP Yoga, I just made it up as I went along. However, leading up to the race, I again made sure to follow a specific 13 week program, but this time I made it a harder one. I’ve also been eating A LOT healthier than I’ve been used to and I’m likely in the best shape of my life.

A day or two before the race, I had a dream about it and in that dream, I finished it in 28 minutes and 50 seconds. I had also told people who I would be very satisfied if I completed it in 31 minutes. The way I looked at it now, I had the goals in front of me. It was just up to me to make it happen.

Fast forward to race day, August 31st, 2013. I was nervous. I didn’t know what I was capable of that day. A few of my recent practice runs didn’t go so well. I had my MP3 player ready and I chose to use the exact same playlist I had used during last year’s race, but as I said before, this time I was doing it alone.

At 9:20 am, former New York Giant, “Touchdown Maker” Stephen Baker fired the gun and we were off. I believed I was doing well, but early on I had a bit of discomfort in my side. I slowed down to a brisk walk. I walked a few times during last year’s race, but this time I had started my walk A LOT sooner than I did last year. I was now concerned about my time.

I picked up the pace and ran until I had to start walking again. This happened a few times, but at no point did I ever stop moving. Well, that’s not true. At one point I had to stop moving since I noticed my shoelace was about to be undone. Once I fixed that, I kept moving. Slightly after the 2 mile mark of the race is the only real hill in this path. It’s a little steep, and after running/walking 2 miles it can seem like an issue for inexperienced runners such as myself. At this point, since I was not confident of my time, I was determined to RUN all the way up that hill. Even if my time was lousy, at least I had that accomplishment.

The race finishes on the track at the high school in my town. When I got to the track, I had to run about 70% of the distance around the track. Well, I didn’t run 70% of it, I walked some of it. When I came around the bend and saw the time, I saw it was past 31 minutes, but once the finish line was in front of me, I took off and ran across and finished in 32 minutes and 13 seconds.

I did not hit either of my goals, but at no point then or since have I been disappointed by that. I crossed the finish line, and that itself is a wonderfully rewarding feeling. I have no complaints about the result. The time may not be what I wanted, but I did learn two things from it. The first was that I CAN do this. The second (which may be more important) is that I started out too fast, and that’s really where my sister came in last year, as she paced me and at various times had me slow down.

The title of this blog had been picked out for a long time. It’s a line from Faith No More’s song, “Stripsearch.” It’s on my running playlist. When I picked it for my playlist, I did not pick it because of that line. I actually forgot about the line. I picked the song because they had done the theme from “Chariots of Fire” as the intro to the song during their reunion tour in 2009 and 2010. When I heard the line during last year’s race, I got emotional and motivated to “win” the race. This year, it was more appropriate, since I was doing it alone.

Last year my sister and I crossed the finish line together. I’ll say it again, it was one of the proudest moments of my life. This year, I crossed the finish line by myself. It was different, but still very rewarding. It wasn’t the culmination of things that last year’s race was, but it was the culmination of what had been an incredibly good week. And I will explain all of that in another entry in the near future.

I do look forward to competing in more races and I hope my schedule will allow it to happen. But, like anything obstacle or challenge in my life, that’s up to me to fix. My determination is stronger than it’s been in a very long time to make some more changes. The line “I’ll win this race, I’ll leave alone, arrive alone” does not necessarily just apply to a 5k race I do, it applies to life. Life is a race. I am in no rush to get to life’s finish line, but I WILL win the race….

A respectable time.

A respectable time.

If you look up, there are no limits…

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Sometimes a moment in life can seem insignificant when it happens. That moment may turn out to be very significant by the time it’s all said and done. Back in 2001 or so, a friend of mine that knew I was into female fronted metal bands had suggested that I listen to the band Lacuna Coil from Italy. I had never heard of them before then, but I followed his advice and downloaded their song “To Myself I Turned.” I was immediately hooked. Nice story so far, but not tremendously significant.

By early 2003, Lacuna Coil had released two more albums and were supposed to be on a tour with Opeth, Paradise Lost, and Tapping the Vein. At the time, Opeth and (especially) Paradise Lost were two of my favorite bands that I had not yet seen in concert. The chance to see all of them at once seemed too good to be true, and it was. Lacuna Coil had to back out of the tour. I was upset, but not terribly upset, since this meant Paradise Lost was now able to play a longer set. Again, this does not seem like a terribly significant event.

Opeth toured the United States again in the Spring of 2003 and Lacuna Coil was once again their support. I got myself a ticket to see one of their local shows on May 15th. Not long before the day of the concert I found out that the members of Lacuna Coil were going to be doing a meet and greet at a record store a few hours before the show. I went to that event and met the band. I immediately noticed how nice the members of the band were and how much they genuinely liked and appreciated their fans. Also, at the signing, I noticed a girl taking a lot of pictures. I didn’t yet know how significant all of this would be.

Who knew how significant this ticket would be?

Who knew how significant this ticket would be?

A few weeks later I was in a Metal music chat room on Yahoo. Someone in the chat asked if anyone had been to any shows recently. I mentioned that I saw Opeth and Lacuna Coil at the Birch Hill in NJ. Someone else in the room said they were also at that show and we started talking. Her name was Candace, and as it turns out, she was the one talking all the pictures at the show. As random as that revelation was, it did not seem to be very significant.

Just over one month later, Lacuna Coil was back at the Birch Hill, this time they were the support for Type O Negative, whom I had liked for over a decade, but had never seen live. It was at this show that I first met Candace and her boyfriend (at the time), Anthony face to face. It was not a very significant meeting, it was more like a “Hi, nice to meet you” and that was it.

During that Summer, Anthony and Candace told me about EmptySpiral.net, a website created by a Lacuna Coil fan from England for Lacuna Coil fans to go to. I joined the site and often posted messages there. At the time, this seemed to be just another site that I belonged to and enjoyed being a part of, but it didn’t seem to have any real significance to my life.

Lacuna Coil played a few headline shows in late 2003. I went to those shows and would always meet up with Anthony, Candace, and now a few more people they knew from EmptySpiral. And through my association with them, I was now regularly hanging out with the band before and after shows. I knew this was not insignificant.

Me with the members of Lacuna Coil in 2003

Me with the members of Lacuna Coil in 2003

When Ozzfest 2004 came around, Lacuna Coil was one of the acts on the “second stage” and had quite a buzz about them. Other than legendary acts such as Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and Slayer, Lacuna Coil’s sales at Ozzfest were at the top. I saw them at a local Ozzfest show and attained a very significant sunburn doing so. After Ozzfest, Lacuna Coil went back home to Italy for to rest and to make a new album. During that time I made a lot more friends on EmptySpiral.net, even if I had not met most of them in person.

Lacuna Coil returned to the United States in March, 2006 as support for Rob Zombie. I went to see them in NYC. They did a meet and greet after their set. I was thrilled when members of the bands got out of their chairs to hug me when they saw me. One of them even said “it’s been almost 2 years, how have you been?” It was nice to see that I was more than just another face in the crowd. It definitely made me feel at least moderately significant.

Cristina in 2006, opening for Rob Zombie

Cristina in 2006, opening for Rob Zombie

During the summer of 2006, Lacuna Coil was once again a part of the lineup for Ozzfest, but this time they were on the “main stage.” Anthony had arranged an “EmptySpiral Meet” that week and various people that we knew from EmptySpiral that were literally from all over the world came out to hang out for a week or so. I wasn’t able to attend all of those events, but I did make a few appearances. I bought a ticket to see the Ozzfest date in Camden, NJ. A few hours AFTER I got my ticket, I was told by Anthony that Lacuna Coil was giving us all tickets for the show. I was not yet aware of how significant of a ticket it was.

Lacuna Coil did not just give us general admission tickets, they gave us tickets with passes with access to various backstage areas. It was because of this I was able to watch acts like Black Label Society from the stage. It was a very interesting for me to watch a show from behind the band. When Lacuna Coil played, we were all allowed to be right in front of the stage to watch them. It was actually a pretty good experience, as the general admission ticket that I had wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere near those areas. Along with the EmptySpiral crew, we spent basically all day hanging out with the band. It was a very good experience and more significant than I realized it was at the time.

Black Label Society from behind the stage.

Black Label Society from behind the stage.

Performing at Ozzfest 2006

Lacuna Coil at Ozzfest 2006

I can go on and on about other stories and other times meeting the band including a time when I called the female singer of the band the “C word” and when I may have been responsible for making one member of the band ill and forcing him to miss an acoustic appearance. But, this story isn’t about that. This story is about significance. It’s that simple. Due to a simple suggestion from one friend, I didn’t just gain a new band to listen to, which would have been a good thing by itself, but I gained friends, experiences, and memories that cannot be matched. Something that seemed to very insignificant ended up being one of the most significant things that’s ever happened to me and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Someone is missing.

Someone is missing.

Lacuna Coil during the

Lacuna Coil during the “Hottest Chicks in Metal” tour

So please allow me now to take the time to thank Jeremiah for the suggestion. Also I need to thank Anthony, Candace, Teague, Lisa, Erin, Melanie, Michelle, Danica, Cynthia, Luca, Amalia and any other friend I’ve met directly (or indirectly) due to Lacuna Coil. I also have to thank Matt for creating EmptySpiral.net and allowing us to meet on there and for recommending “Spaced” and “Firefly” to me. And of course, a big thanks goes out to Cristina, Andi, Maus, Maki, CriZ, and Pizza. This story would never have happened without them.

Taking a a bow after

Taking a a bow after “Dark Legacy” tour in 2012

As a side note, last year I wrote about the 5K race I ran and the unbelievable pride I felt in completing that race. Lacuna Coil’s song “Daylight Dancer” was the song I was listening to when I crossed the finish line.

Don't ask. You had to be there.

Don’t ask. You had to be there.