To Be Determined

I’m sure I’ve stated this somewhere before, but my birthday is July 3rd. It’s basically at the very middle of the calendar year. As a result of that, it’s very easy for me to see my year as two distinct halves and I always get a little reflective at the end of each half.

With 2012 half way over and me about to celebrate my 36th birthday I could easily say that I’m not where I want to be in life. That statement may even be true. However, I’m not looking at it from that point of view. I’m looking at it from more of a “where am I going” point of view. And where I’m going is forward.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2012 simply “to make it better.” The year is now half way over. Have I made things better? I think I have. I still have a financial burden that I’m dealing with, but it’s less of a burden than it was 6 months ago. I still have some other burdens as well, but we all do. It’s just how we deal with them that matter.

Part of constantly going forward means confronting issues. I cannot and will not avoid, ignore, or run from problems. Problems need to be addressed and (if possible) solved. Unfortunately, sometimes those problems are due to other people and their refusal to acknowledge that a problem exists. There isn’t much I can do about those situations. I cannot change or help those that don’t want to change or be helped. Those people are the ones that avoid, ignore, or run from problems. I used to do that. It’s very easy to do that, but it got me nowhere. And nowhere is a place I don’t want to be again.

I never really had a sense of pride in myself until recently. I don’t think I was ashamed of myself, but I wasn’t proud. I guess that’s a result of always being made to feel that I wasn’t good enough. But, that was then. Now I can say without fear of sounding like I’m bragging, that I am truly proud of what I’ve become. And if it’s possible, I’m proud of what I will be.

I would not completely truthful if I said that the change of mentality that I’ve gone through was totally on my own. I did it with the help of good friends that understand and get me. It’s sad that up until I hit emotional rock bottom that I didn’t understand them (or me). But, like a phoenix, I’ve risen from those ashes and I understand people and friendship now. I’ve even been told by a few friends how much they like “the new me.” It really does my heart good to hear that. It means that I’ve done well and it’s noticeable. I don’t know if I can thank those friends enough for everything.

As for what I said about not doing all of it on my own, while I couldn’t do it without the help of friends (and professional help) I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I didn’t recognize that I had to. And that is the difference between addressing issues and avoiding, ignoring, and running from issues. Change does not have to be a bad thing. I know it can be a frightening, but change is necessary for progress. It’s basic evolution. Change or die.

Much like my last blog, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance,” I was looking through some song lyrics for the title of this entry, but didn’t find anything that fit my mood. When starting the draft, I put “tbd” in the title spot. But once again, I think I stumbled upon the name. Because this journey I’m on did not truly begin on January 1, 2012. It began on July 3, 1976. This journey’s end date is “To Be Determined” and I AM determined to continue my pursuit of balance and I AM determined to make sure that whenever it does end, I’m proud of what I’ve left behind. I think I’m going in a good direction. Will my good direction continue? I think that can only truly be determined by me.

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