In my last post I discussed my laziness and how it leads to my depression. I want to amend that since they really do go hand in hand. But I’ve also realized that being lazy isn’t the only instinct I have to battle each day. My depression is always with me as well.

It was once said to me, “when your default is set to miserable, it’s hard to be happy.” Well, my default was set to miserable a very long time ago. And like I stated in the previous entry, I’m not writing this for a “woe is me” thing. Self-pity is not one of my defaults. However, depression, laziness, and defensiveness certainly are. I’ll get to the defensive part at a later date.

At one point in my life I didn’t believe that depression was a real thing. I believed people could just “get over it.” Looking back, not only have I realized just how incredibly wrong I was about that, I’ve also realized my depression goes back a lot further than I originally thought. I now remember specific times from my teenage years where I was definitely depressed, but did not know it. Unfortunately for me, it got worse, and twenty years later I’m still dealing with it. And, it’s likely I will always have to.

As I’ve stated, depression is my default. I do not know if it’s genetic or just how I was programmed. I know for sure that depression runs in my family. Some members had it diagnosed and went for help, while others ignore it and deny it, even though it’s passive aggressively hitting them in the face. I am not writing this to pass blame or to point fingers at my family. I am writing this in an effort to help myself understand. I often feel that by writing and “putting it out there” I am helping myself, and sometimes possibly others as well. And I also just want to know “why” I am this way.

I could tell you that kids were cruel to me in school (and they were). I could tell you that I was lousy at sports (and I was/am). I could tell you that my parents were overbearing and controlling for much of my life (and they were.) Did those elements lead to my depression? I’m sure they did, but did those things do it alone? Sometimes I think the most damaging thing from my younger days is that I felt nobody listened to me or paid attention to me.

In a few blog entries, I’ve discussed feeling “not good enough” and insignificant. Having people dismiss me, not listen to me, or flat out ignore me most assuredly lead to my feelings of loneliness. And I’m almost positive that it’s why when people did start listening to me, I wouldn’t shut up. And some are not listening again due to me talking about me constantly, so I’m lonely again. The cycle continues.

I do want to state that it wasn’t just that people finally started listening to me. It was also that I was finally able to discuss things. So again, what came first? People not listening to me or me not being able to discuss things? Did I originally stop talking about my issues and feelings because I felt nobody cared? Or maybe I felt that my issues weren’t important enough to be discussed due to me feeling so insignificant? I really don’t know if I’ll ever know the answers to those questions.

It’s also been brought to my attention that I may do to others exactly what I’m discussing here. I may not listen enough to others or maybe even dismiss their issues. Dismissing my friends has never been an objective of mine. It’s just a bi-product of my programming. I am not saying that as an excuse for my behavior, it’s simply a matter of understanding. In order to move forward, you need to know where you’ve been, and in some cases, why you’ve been there.

As I bring up more themes from previous entries, it again comes back to finding a balance. I know it’s possible for me to find it. These blog entries show me that I’m capable. And each of these writings trigger some new thoughts for me. The responses I get also prompt more thoughts, which leads to more writing.

A side effect of depression and laziness is complacency. While I said I battle my depression daily, if i ever give up that fight and complacency sets in, then the depression wins. That’s why I fight. That is why I keep trying to attain that happiness I never knew.

I always try to leave these blogs on an uplifting sentiment. And since this one is getting a bit wordy, I’ll end it now. But I’m sure I’ll have another one soon. I always feel a little better after writing these. Yes, I am still depressed, lazy, and lonely. And yes, I’ll still be depressed, lazy, and lonely when I post my next blog. I may always have those traits, but that doesn’t mean I’ll give up. I can’t give up. There may never be a time when I truly “win” this fight, but it doesn’t mean I’ll stop making the effort.

As I’ve stated in a few blogs over the years, with my birthday in early July, it’s very easy for me to see each calendar year as two very distinct halves and I usually take some time to evaluate my progress at the end of each half. And that’s where I am now, having just started the second half of 2013, or you could also look at it as me about to start my 38th year.

I went into 2013 very optimistic for progress in my life. I knew that the end of my credit card debt was on the horizon. I’m glad to report that the end of that happened slightly quicker than I thought it would and I’m 100% free from credit card debt. Of course, some things have come up since then and I have some bills that have taken my extra money, but since I didn’t have any debt in my way, I’m able to deal with those things.

Also recently, I’ve given a lot of thought to just how incredibly lazy I am. Before I go any further with this, I want to very clearly state that I am not stating laziness is nearly as bad as, nor is it as painful as addictions can be. However, I have noticed a similarity or two issues.

Recovering addicts often say that they are always fighting the urge to succumb to whatever their issue was. It’s always in their head. Well, that’s how I view my laziness. I am always fighting my lazy nature. I need to constantly tell myself not to be lazy. And I’ve also given a lot of thought as to how I became so lazy. Is it a product of my environment/upbringing? Is it genetic? Or is it just easy?

I’ve been accused a lot of being a “creature of habit.” Sometimes people have even suggested I may have some form of OCD. While thinking about my laziness, I’ve come to realize that while I do plan out a lot of how my days will go, it may be so I don’t do nothing. In other words, if I have nothing to do, that’s exactly what I’ll do, nothing. But, if I map out a plan for myself for a day, or whatever time period, I’ll likely get it done.

My laziness has also lead to my feelings of depression and loneliness at times. I definitely think they’re all related. And that’s how the title of this blog came to be. It’s a line from a song and I think I relate to it. It’s hard to not be what you’re supposed to be by design. I think I was programmed to be lazy and depressed, and sometimes I think I’ve been destined to be alone. I have to struggle with all three of those instincts on a pretty much daily basis.

Luckily for me, I’m aware of these issues. I’m aware of them through my own introspection, talks with friends, and observations I’ve made of other people with those same traits. And another way this ties in to addictions is that people that do not want to be helped cannot be helped. It does not matter how many times you point out a fault in someone if they do not see it as a fault and do not accept that it needs to change. I want to change all of these bad traits in myself.

Another problem I came to develop over the last few years is that I became a little bit too absorbed in my own issues and not enough about anyone else’s. But, again through introspection, I’ve realized that it’s another of my typical extreme reactions to how I was before. I didn’t have a lot of friends for a good portion of my life and once I did have friends, not many of them truly knew of my issues because I didn’t talk about them, because I couldn’t talk about them. Once I became capable of talking about them, I did. A LOT. To MANY of them. Ad nauseam. And yes, I get that this blog is talking about me, but it’s a good thing, keep reading. I’m going somewhere with this.

I had a very sheltered and isolated childhood. I’m not saying this for sympathy or to evoke a “woe is me” feeling. I truly believe that being as sheltered as I was has not allowed me to relate to people as much as some people can. I don’t have many similar experiences as a lot of my friends. It’s been brought to my attention that sometimes people will be telling me something and I’ll interject something that is similar, but not similar at the same time, and therefore somehow making the conversation about me. Making it about me was not my intention. If anything, I was attempting to relate well and just not being able to do it as well I would like.

I have never known if my self-confidence (or arrogance, depending on who you speak to) is real or if it’s manufactured by my mind to hide/mask how I really felt about myself. I’ve wondered that for years, and I honestly do give “credit” to the fact that I’ve been able to hide behind a keyboard online for almost 20 years. It’s a lot easier to be whomever I want to be on here than it is in “real life.” But sometimes, the persona I developed online would manifest itself in my everyday life and I’ve been known to straddle the line between confidence and arrogance.

Trust me, I’m aware that I’m showing signs of contradictory personalities. In one paragraph I’m stating how depressed I am and in another I’m talking about how full of myself I am. This all ties together with things I’ve been saying for a while now. I’m searching for a balance in my life.

It’s now been just over a year since I last had any professional help for my issues. Should I go back? Maybe, but it’s not in the (financial) cards at the moment. I find the time I spent in those sessions to be invaluable. But, I also find that I am very capable of realizing what my issues are. I am also very confident in my ability to change and improve. I have first hand experience with people that cannot (and will not) change, regardless of how much destruction is left in their wake. From witnessing that, I see what I don’t want to be and how I don’t want my life to end up.

Loneliness sucks. Being alone usually sucks. Being depressed sucks. Being lazy sucks. I’ve been surrounded by lazy, lonely, depressed people all of my life. Some have refused to acknowledge it, regardless of it being right in front of their faces. Me, I’m acknowledging it, and will not succumb to it. I will not be the person I was born to be. I will overcome it and I will rise above. Maybe I should stop being lazy about it, draw up a plan, and get to it already