My Youth Unknown to Me, I am Walking By a Wire…..

In my last post I discussed my laziness and how it leads to my depression. I want to amend that since they really do go hand in hand. But I’ve also realized that being lazy isn’t the only instinct I have to battle each day. My depression is always with me as well.

It was once said to me, “when your default is set to miserable, it’s hard to be happy.” Well, my default was set to miserable a very long time ago. And like I stated in the previous entry, I’m not writing this for a “woe is me” thing. Self-pity is not one of my defaults. However, depression, laziness, and defensiveness certainly are. I’ll get to the defensive part at a later date.

At one point in my life I didn’t believe that depression was a real thing. I believed people could just “get over it.” Looking back, not only have I realized just how incredibly wrong I was about that, I’ve also realized my depression goes back a lot further than I originally thought. I now remember specific times from my teenage years where I was definitely depressed, but did not know it. Unfortunately for me, it got worse, and twenty years later I’m still dealing with it. And, it’s likely I will always have to.

As I’ve stated, depression is my default. I do not know if it’s genetic or just how I was programmed. I know for sure that depression runs in my family. Some members had it diagnosed and went for help, while others ignore it and deny it, even though it’s passive aggressively hitting them in the face. I am not writing this to pass blame or to point fingers at my family. I am writing this in an effort to help myself understand. I often feel that by writing and “putting it out there” I am helping myself, and sometimes possibly others as well. And I also just want to know “why” I am this way.

I could tell you that kids were cruel to me in school (and they were). I could tell you that I was lousy at sports (and I was/am). I could tell you that my parents were overbearing and controlling for much of my life (and they were.) Did those elements lead to my depression? I’m sure they did, but did those things do it alone? Sometimes I think the most damaging thing from my younger days is that I felt nobody listened to me or paid attention to me.

In a few blog entries, I’ve discussed feeling “not good enough” and insignificant. Having people dismiss me, not listen to me, or flat out ignore me most assuredly lead to my feelings of loneliness. And I’m almost positive that it’s why when people did start listening to me, I wouldn’t shut up. And some are not listening again due to me talking about me constantly, so I’m lonely again. The cycle continues.

I do want to state that it wasn’t just that people finally started listening to me. It was also that I was finally able to discuss things. So again, what came first? People not listening to me or me not being able to discuss things? Did I originally stop talking about my issues and feelings because I felt nobody cared? Or maybe I felt that my issues weren’t important enough to be discussed due to me feeling so insignificant? I really don’t know if I’ll ever know the answers to those questions.

It’s also been brought to my attention that I may do to others exactly what I’m discussing here. I may not listen enough to others or maybe even dismiss their issues. Dismissing my friends has never been an objective of mine. It’s just a bi-product of my programming. I am not saying that as an excuse for my behavior, it’s simply a matter of understanding. In order to move forward, you need to know where you’ve been, and in some cases, why you’ve been there.

As I bring up more themes from previous entries, it again comes back to finding a balance. I know it’s possible for me to find it. These blog entries show me that I’m capable. And each of these writings trigger some new thoughts for me. The responses I get also prompt more thoughts, which leads to more writing.

A side effect of depression and laziness is complacency. While I said I battle my depression daily, if i ever give up that fight and complacency sets in, then the depression wins. That’s why I fight. That is why I keep trying to attain that happiness I never knew.

I always try to leave these blogs on an uplifting sentiment. And since this one is getting a bit wordy, I’ll end it now. But I’m sure I’ll have another one soon. I always feel a little better after writing these. Yes, I am still depressed, lazy, and lonely. And yes, I’ll still be depressed, lazy, and lonely when I post my next blog. I may always have those traits, but that doesn’t mean I’ll give up. I can’t give up. There may never be a time when I truly “win” this fight, but it doesn’t mean I’ll stop making the effort.

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4 responses to “My Youth Unknown to Me, I am Walking By a Wire…..

  1. Well written and I very much look fwd to two things (a) reading more and (b) talking about today’s post with you. Will make for interesting conversation.

  2. THIS: “Sometimes I think the most damaging thing from my younger days is that I felt nobody listened to me or paid attention to me.”

    it is very fucking hard to become an adult with that. like you said, it leads to feeling insignificant.

    and for me at least, i came to expect being ignored and treated like shit, which then led to a couple of awful relationships. the most recent one was 8+ years. over time i got worn down and any shred of self-esteem i had was drained out of me.

    the relationship ended over a year ago, but i’ve only recently begun to realize that i don’t deserve to be treated like shit. a few months ago i had a particular day that i woke up and realized i didn’t hate myself. it was amazing, and sort of sad. i spent so much time thinking so little of myself… i felt like i lost some years in there.

    anyway, when i got back to work, i quit my job. i was tired of being dismissed.

    as to feeling like maybe you’re not paying enough attention to your friends – depression is very self-involved. i forget that i need to contact people.
    and if i’m having a shitty week, i feel like i don’t have the energy to support myself AND someone else who might be struggling.

    i’m currently struggling with determining how much i should share with people and how much i should keep to myself. for years (like a decade), i kept everything to myself, except when i would see a therapist. i had no idea how to express what i was feeling, other than hiding in a corner and crying.

    now i have a better handle on how to communicate what’s going on with me, but i still have no idea how much is appropriate to share and who it’s appropriate to share with.

    and now i have this comment, which seems like it might be a bit too much. but i’m going to leave it intact because all of it is true and there’s nothing here i’m afraid of.

  3. Pingback: I’m Hating Procrastinating but I Can’t Find the Motivation | MaskedSanity.com

  4. Pingback: For Absent Friends | MaskedSanity.com

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