Despite what people may think if they’ve read a few of my entries, I don’t actually like writing about depression. I would really like to have happier topics to write about, and sometimes I’ll sneak an upbeat blog entry in. But, the majority of what I write on here does deal with depression and anxiety. As I’ve said a few times, I’ve been programmed to doubt myself. I’ve been programmed to not like myself. Some people have said I shouldn’t think about it so much, but I’ve realized that the only way I can uncover more layers of my issues is to think about and to discuss it.
This entry though, while it will touch upon some of my issues isn’t really about me. It’s about anyone else that has some form of mental illness and needs an outlet. I feel that as much as I need to vent sometimes, others probably need it a lot more. So, bare with me in this entry as I attempt to discuss a pretty serious topic that, unfortunately I’ve touched on before.
I don’t claim to have the answers. Sometimes, I don’t even know what the questions are. That’s part of my daily struggle. I have no doubt that part of my anxiety is caused by wanting answers to my problems. I may not have answers, and I may have a lot of uncertainty, but there is one thing I am certain of, and that’s simply that I have to keep going.
Very recently, someone that I didn’t know, but some of my friends did know, decided he couldn’t keep going. He made a choice to end his life. I am very sad over this. I’m not just sad for my friends, but I’m also sad because (it seems) that depression claimed another one.
I don’t know the details of what was wrong with him or what lead to his decision. From what I’ve learned about the situation, nobody had any real indication of anything being so severe that this could have happened. I don’t know if it knowing anything in advance would make it any less painful for his friends and family.
The story I’m telling here is one of the reasons I write these entries. It’s my therapy. It’s my outlet. It’s my venting. It’s my way of helping myself. It’s my way of letting people know me. It’s my way of letting people know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s my way of letting people know that it’s okay to not be okay.
I know that very often I repeat themes in my blog entries, but that’s because sometimes themes in my life repeat. I try to learn from them, and sometimes that means I have to revisit them. Sometimes, it’s not even by choice that I revisit them, but I do it. Regardless of that, I deal with it. I do what I need to do to get from one day to the next. No matter how sad, melancholy, downtrodden, lonely, or flat out depressed I get, I keep going. I have to. I know that.
Too many people feel they can’t keep going. I feel for them. I grieve for them. I wish I could have helped them. I wish someone could have helped them. I wish they could have helped themselves.
About this time last year, a friend of mine told me about a time she wanted to hurt herself. She said she may have wanted to take it to an unfortunate and ultimate end. She assured me she was okay by the time she had told me about it, but was still a bit down. I told her that she and I would go out for coffee and she would talk, I would listen. And that’s what we did. She’s in a much better place in life now, so she tells me. She also recently told me that she had passed a full year without any self harm. I congratulated her on that and she thanked me for being supportive and for playing a role in her recovery. I know I’m not THE reason she’s better off now, but I know I played a small part in it and I’m proud of that and I’m proud of her.
People need to be able to speak about their problems. Keeping them inside leads to more pain. That growing pain may manifest itself in life altering decisions. Those decisions may have irreversible consequences.
THAT is why I write these. THAT is why I reach out to people. And THAT is why I will continue to write about this topic when I feel I need to. I want to know that I’m okay. I want to know it’s okay if I’m not okay. I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay. And we all need to know that one day things might be okay.