As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back as the 49th anniversary of my birth is just days away.

This upcoming birthday is a tough one for me. It’s the last one before the big “five o.” For the past few years, I’ve seen myself as being on a roller coaster slowly heading towards 50. And, I’m heading towards the last descent to it. That particular age milestone is on the horizon. I feel this reflective entry may be deeper than others I’ve made.

If I compare myself to where I was at this point last year, it’s a bag of mixed results. I was in a weird emotional place last year. I faced things that I’ve never faced before. I don’t want to face them again. I’m financially better off, in the sense that I make more money than I have before. I’m financially the same in the sense that my expenses don’t go down and I have trouble saving anything.

My weight has blown up to the highest that it’s ever been. I am very much aware of that. I know that as we get older, it is much more difficult to lose weight. Getting in shape also becomes harder. I’ve made good progress before and I WILL make good progress there again. It requires a lot more dedication and effort than I’ve ever put in before. It will need some lifestyle changes. I’ve been taught the lessons. I just need to put things in practice (again) and good results will happen.

Sometimes I wonder if my overall progress in life is stunted by emotional trauma. Can I not move past things into new chapters because I’m too scared to do it? Some of you may find this difficult to believe, but I do sometimes overthink things. Sometimes, a lot. I usually convince myself that I will fail if I do things differently.

One of the things that I’ve attempted over the course of the past year is to be more mindful. I’ve attempted daily (guided) meditation. I say “attempted” because I can’t shut my mind up when I do it. It drifts often. I don’t get too discouraged. The guides often say, “if you’ve drifted, now is a time to come back.” The truth of the matter is that I do enjoy my effort here. I feel that it’s helping me.

I’ve always had difficulty thinking about my future. This may go back to the trauma thing. I can’t picture what my life will be. I’ve only been able to see what it is and what it was. There’s been some change there as I’ve recently been able to see what I don’t want my life to be. If that makes sense. It does to me. That’s a good thing, right? I know what I don’t it to be. I just have to make sure to not end up where I don’t want to be. I believe that’s a step in the right direction.

I had planned to reference my first full length entry on this site during the course of this one. I will do so. When I went back in the archive, I looked at THE very first entry. I think it sums up the previous paragraph pretty well. Although, after reading it I wonder if I’ve made any progress in life. Am I overthinking all of it by saying that? Or, is it possible that the previous paragraph shows that I’m finally getting there?

The first full length entry that I did on here was called Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance. I published it just over 13 years ago. I’m still pursuing that balance. I’ve often joked that the balance is that I’ll be thriving in some parts of life while suffering in others. I wish that was less of a reality than I perceive it to be. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.

After reading that entry, I’ve realized that I didn’t discuss some things that I said I would. But, I digress.

Earlier this year I started reading a book about time management. It’s a really short book. The irony that I haven’t finished this book isn’t lost on me. But, I did get some valuable lessons from it. The one lesson that stood out is the importance of taking time for myself. Not in a selfish way, but to make sure that my needs are met and not to put sacrifice “me time” for work that can be done later. That doesn’t mean that I should procrastinate. It means that I should do those things when I can. I’m trying really hard to abide by that. It’s a difficult task at times.

I have said things that imply that I have doubts about the direction of my life. However, I assure you that it’s just due to my instinct. This instinct is due to the programming of my mind. I do believe that I’m heading in a good direction. I’m heading towards a life where I could get the encouragement that I’ve lacked, the fulfilment that I’ve never had, and the happiness that (dare I say) I deserve.

How do I get there? How does the impending milestone birthday next year fit in to this? Is 50 THE time to finally make these things happen? Is it the mile marker in which I decide if my life is a success or not? Life and time move so fast. They both seem to move so much faster as we get older. Earlier I said that I’m on the descent to 50. What if I’m not? What if the roller coaster that I’m on is actually climbing towards a peak? What if this isn’t a valley? What if I am actually rising?

Does it sound like I’m trying to convince you or myself of the possibilities? Both are probably true. Either way someone could believe it and it could end up being me.

My biggest hope right now is that when I write my entry one year from now, while I’ll be days away from 50 is that I look back at this one and say that I did believe in me. I want to be able to say that there’s obvious positive change and obvious progress. Time may be moving quicker, but there’s time to make it happen. I have work to do. We know the work is SO important.

I’m going to do it.