Can We Begin at the End to Save Some Time?

It’s probably a good thing that I look at things from my past differently than I did while experiencing them. Maybe it’s a “hindsight is 20/20 thing.” Maybe it’s a case of me being tired of making the same mistake over and over again. Maybe it’s me seeing the same mistakes that I’ve made being made by others and that helps me recognize it. Whatever the reason is, it’s good to stop a behavior or pattern that is not beneficial to me. I’m not going to get into anything truly specific here, but if you know me well and you know where I’ve been for the past few years, some of you may be able to figure out some of what I’m talking about.

I’ve had a few relationships during the last few years. For various reasons, none of them have worked out. In some cases, I tried my best to get them back. Again, for various reasons, none of them worked out. No matter what I did, no matter how much I tried, no matter what I said, they never worked. Despite warnings from my own instincts, warnings from friends, warnings from the exs’ friends (yes, that’s plural), I kept trying. Sometimes one of the exs would tell me everything I ever wanted them to say to me. I would go back. It wouldn’t work. Nothing was solved. That pattern of behavior kept going and going and going. Until I absolutely could not go through it any more.

I don’t totally believe that the exs that came back and told me things could be different had any malicious intentions with me. I now believe things couldn’t have ever worked. In many cases, people break up because they just shouldn’t be together. There’s many reasons for a split in a relationship. I’ve had bad breakups and I’ve had some really amicable ones.

Sometimes two good people are just not good together. That happens. There could be a very good chemistry between them, or so it seems. But, maybe there’s a toxicity in the chemistry that dooms everything from the start. It may not immediately bubble up to the surface, but once it does, there’s usually no turning back.

There’s also people that are just toxic in general. They bring down the people around them. They leave the people they claim to love in shambles. They ruin lives. They may not mean to. But, it happens. Some of those people have significant mental and emotional issues of their own that need to be addressed. It’s unfortunate that they often don’t address them and continue to hurt the people they claim to care so much about.

Being the advocate for mental health awareness that I am, I am all for giving people multiple chances. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to do. Unfortunately, some people cannot break bad behavioral patterns.

I’ve made plenty of mistake in my relationships. I’ll make plenty more mistakes. And even with everything I’ve just said about toxic relationships and bad behaviors, I have a hard time saying that giving people multiple chances was necessarily wrong of me to do. I’ve seen people get a lot more damaged by failed relationships than I’ve been go back to the person that they were hurt by. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I get it. I understand it. It’s not always easy.

The head and the heart are not always in agreement with each other. Heartbreak after heartbreak can happen and the brain may tell you not to go back, but that won’t always stop you. But, I can also tell you that it’s a bit empowering when you finally put your foot down and say “enough.” Until that happens, if the cycle keeps going, expect more heartbreak.

As I’ve said, I’ve been on various sides of this one. I’ve been the one pursuing an ex. I’ve been the one that starts something with someone only to have an ex show up and promise the world, end the new thing to go back to the ex and have it collapse all over again, if it even really started to take off at all, which it rarely ever did. I’ve also been the one that was left behind for an ex that keeps promising the world. I can’t get angry with anyone for doing it to me, I’ve done it. That doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t make it wrong, it just means I understand when (and why) it happened.

I do look back at my own personal history a lot. I try my best to learn from it. It may take me a while, but I usually do learn from it. I try my best to not repeat the mistakes. But, sometimes it does happen. I don’t know if it’s fortunate or unfortunate that I sometimes learn from my mistakes when I see them being made by people I care about. But, It’s good that I’ve learned.

Sometimes, in the cases of these doomed from the start, doomed from the re-start, and doomed from re-re-start relationships, there is no new beginning. There’s just time being spent until it ends again. That next ending may be emotionally worse than the first time. Something has to change. Actions must be taken that match (or surpass) the promises of better things. It’s been my experience that they rarely are.

There’s no winning. There’s no relief. There’s just sense of loss, regret, and heartbreak. It just keeps going. It’s an absolute zero. There’s no winning an absolute zero.

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It’s Always Darkest Right Before the Dawn.

Sometimes my blog entries have a darker and very pessimistic tone to them. The one I wrote at the end of June of this year definitely had that. In that post (and others I’ve written), I was feeling like I was stuck. There was no chance of any improvements in my life. I had a job that didn’t pay enough, didn’t offer me affordable health coverage, was 30 miles from my house, and I was 100% paycheck to paycheck. My social life seemed to be stuck as well. I was feeling that everything I had worked for a few years ago was gone. There wasn’t much hope left.

One month later I wrote an entry that talked vaguely about possible changes in the near future. I said there was something on the horizon that could (and should) make my financial situation better. I was optimistic, but cautious. It seemed too good to be true. It seemed too long of a time to wait. I had some doubts that it would come to fruition. But, it happened.

Just a few weeks ago I started a new job. It’s SIGNIFICANTLY closer to my house and just a lot better for me, for many reasons.

For the past few years, I’ve felt burdened by basically anything I had to do. Driving an hour to and from work is exhausting. My 8 hour work shift took up at least 10 hours of my time. The stress of getting to and from work was draining me of all of my energy. I didn’t mind the job itself, but it wasn’t healthy for me.

Household chores were beyond just chores for me. They took significant emotional effort from me to get them done.

I couldn’t read books. I tried. I had no energy to concentrate on them. My days off were spent doing things that didn’t require a long attention span. While doing these things that didn’t require a lot of concentration, I would get upset that books I’ve started weren’t being read.

There seemed like there was no escape for me. That was what my life had become and I had to accept it. I had to deal with it. No matter how miserably depressing of an existence it was.

In just a few weeks at the new job, I’ve noticed a significant difference in my days. I’m getting more rest. I’m more relaxed. I’m working out more. I’m getting things done. I’m not necessarily more energetic, but I think that’s mental. I don’t think my mind has adjusted to the changes.

I still haven’t experienced all of the benefits the job has to offer. But, I am experiencing the one that may be most important. My quality of life seems better. Just a few weeks in. I cannot stress that enough. This is a good thing for me.

I have done some form of workout every day this week. Sometimes twice per day. I haven’t done that consistently in years.

Waking up doesn’t seem as difficult as it did a few weeks ago. Although, I did quickly learn the minimal amount of time needed to do whatever I have to do in the morning before work and I’ve utilized that knowledge a bit. But, even knowing that, I’m still a lot less stressed.

For the first time in a very long time, I have concepts for things I want to do in the future. I haven’t been able to have any real forward thoughts for a very long time.

While I’m actually optimistic about things at the moment, there’s still that little voice in my head telling me that this is too good to last. I’m doing my best to ignore that voice and any and every instinct that tells me not to enjoy this.

Yeah, that entry I wrote in June was dark. And I’ve always been a firm believer (based on evidence) that things usually get a lot worse before they get better. Well, things did get worse for me. Time and time again. Maybe this is my dawn. Maybe this is when things start to get better. When I’m at my lowest points, I take life day by day. I mentioned that I’m thinking of things for my future, but I’m still going to take life day by day and enjoy the ride, for as long as I can.

This is Another Chance or So I’m Told…

What a difference a month makes.

The last entry I wrote had a darker tone and prompted a few people to ask me questions about my well being. For the record, there was nothing to worry about, but I’m grateful for the concern.

The last thing I said in that entry was “I can’t go back to where I’ve been.”  For the most part, that is true. There’s a lot of things in my life that I can’t return to. There’s situations and scenarios that shouldn’t be returned to. There’s things that should be left where they were in the past.

However, there’s also things that can be returned to and it looks like they might be. I’m going to be intentionally vague here. The only thing I will say is that it’s possible that I could be returning to a situation that I really enjoyed being in. We’ll see how it plays out.

At the beginning of the month, I was lamenting my employment and financial status. Those haven’t gotten any better, yet.
There’s something on the horizon that could (and should) make both of those a lot better for me. I just have to stay put for a little while longer and wait for things to fall into place there. Again, I’m intentionally being vague.

I’ve often written about how happiness and good things going on for me confuse me. And based on that, I’ve had a very confusing few weeks. Since my last entry, a lot of good things have happened. I’ve had some very good times. I am A LOT less stressed than I was just one month ago.

Another thing I’ve written about a few times recently is how I’ve had trouble talking about specific details of events or scenarios from my life. I’m having trouble with this entry too. I’m not even talking about the vagueness that I’ve already mentioned. I’m just having a hard time writing about things that aren’t generally miserable. I guess that’s a good thing. As I was starting this paragraph, a quote from one of my favorite actors, Simon Pegg, came to my mind:

“We are never more creative than when we are at odds with the world and there is nothing so artistically destructive as comfort. Princess Leia taught me that.”

I like that quote because I understand it and because of the Carrie Fisher reference. I’ve documented how much of a hero she was (and still is) to me. But, as for that quote, it’s very true. I’m never too complimentary of most of my writing, but I’ve always felt my best work happens when I’m most miserable. And today, when I’m a relatively calm and good mood, I’m having a very difficult time writing about myself. Is that good?

Another reason I have a difficult time writing about good things is that I’m sure everything is going to collapse around me. I’m sure all the good stuff will go away. Do I think that because it’s happened too many times? Do I think that because it’s just the way I’m programmed to think? To be honest, it’s very confusing to me. But, right now, I don’t want to think about it. I want to ride this out. I’m enjoying the wave of good times, good news, and a possible good future.

I know this entry is short, but it’s like I’ve said, I don’t have much to complain about right now. I’m in good place, well…
maybe I should say, I’m still where I was, but things are looking better.

Just a few months ago I wrote a blog entry talking about how bad of a time I was having and how I had a string of a few good things. My mood had changed a bit. The last thing I wrote in that entry was “Depression isn’t just a phase for me. It’s much bigger than that. Smiling may be a phase, but it’s a phase that I’m hoping to extend.”

The past month has really been a good for me. I hope that one day soon I’ll be able to go in detail about the things that have happened, the things that have been talked about as happening in the future, and how the way things happening now are making me smile a lot more than I had been in a very long time. So, let me paraphrase myself to close this entry. “Smiling may be a phase, but you’re damn right I’m going to extend that phase for as long as I can.”

All You Live, All You Give. All You Live Fits In a Teardrop.

Just a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with Dysthymia, which is sometimes defined as “a mood disorder consisting of the same cognitive and physical problems as depression, with less severe but longer-lasting symptoms.”

I no longer suffer from it. Well, actually I still do. But, the name of the condition has been officially changed to Persistent Depressive Disorder. With the new name, it’s a bit easier to understand. It’s very self descriptive now.

Why do I suffer from this? Is it genetic? Is it due to things that happened to me as a kid? Is it from my parents? If it is from my parents, again, I ask if it’s genetic?
Is it due to being bullied as a kid? Is it due to bad relationships? Did I allow myself to be bullied because I was verbally put down so much at home that I didn’t know I could stand up for myself? Was I in bad relationships because my parents didn’t set an example of one that was good? Maybe I was in bad relationships because it was all I knew? Is all of this my own fault?

I don’t have the answers to ANY of those questions, other than maybe the last one. I KNOW that not everything that I deal with is my fault. I know that there’s situations that I couldn’t avoid. I always feel that my quest for the answers is a source of more anxiety and depression for me. I don’t like when things don’t make sense. Much of my life doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand a lot of things about it. In fact, there are some things that I completely understand and they’re even bigger sources of depression.

Very often I feel like I’m a prisoner of my own life. And it’s a life sentence. There doesn’t seem to be a out of the bad situations. I keep trying different things and they all produce the same results. This is something that I will definitely dig deeper into in a future entry.

Happiness confuses me. I think I’m comfortable in my misery. I know that’s not a good thing, or is it? Can comfort be bad? There’s a difference between comfort and complacency. I think I’m more comfortable than complacent. I think…

I was about to say that I could easily tell stories about my parents and their impact on my mental health, but I really can’t. This entry originally had specific things in it that I’ve deleted. I guess there’s specific things I don’t want to talk about on here. Although, sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid that some people’s visions of my parents may change. I really don’t know. I keep wanting to delete this entire paragraph.

This entry is one that is giving me a bit of anxiety. Then again, most of my entries do. Part of my condition is a fear of expression. That’s something I definitely got from my parents. Not only did they not express themselves in a positive or constructive way, more often than not, they didn’t say anything at all until it all blew up. I want to delete this paragraph too.

I’m noticing a trend and I’m not just talking about my “breaking the 4th wall” in this entry. I’m noticing that I’m hitting a wall. It’s a big one. I need to find a way to chip away at it.

From September of 2010 until the end of June, 2012 I was seeing a psychologist once a week. I felt it helped me a bit, although now I realize that I really never scratched the surface of what my issues really were. I was just focused on what I was going through at that time. Although, I do know that it’s all related.

Part of the inspiration for this particular post is a documentary I watched last week. That documentary is called “Bipolar Rock N’ Roller” and it deals with one man’s struggle with mental illness. I became familiar with it because the subject of the film is Mauro Ranallo, and he’s currently a commentator for WWE, among other sports.
This is not the first time that something I’ve seen related to WWE has inspired me to write a blog entry about my own battles with mental illness. A few years ago, I watched a reality series that WWE produced and one of the stars of that show came out during one of the episodes. Even though his sexuality well known before that, the simple fact that he said it publicly impacted me. I saw a weight lifted off of him. It motivated me to write more about how depression burdens me and to share more details in this forum. Sometimes my sources of inspiration are not what many of you would consider conventional.

How does my story have anything to do with a Professional Wrestling commentator’s issue with Bipolar Disorder? It doesn’t. But, watching Mauro Ranallo so openly tell his story inspired me to get a bit deeper into mine. One day soon I hope to really get into details, because I don’t see a professional about my issue anymore. This is therapy for me. This is what I do for myself to get my story out. This is me unpacking my baggage, one blog entry at a time.

Smiling’s Just a Phase…

My original concepts for this entry were a lot darker than this will end up being. The reason for that is basically that I started out the month of April in a pretty bad depressive state. I’ve been there before and (unfortunately) I know I’ll be there again. It doesn’t matter how often I go through it, or how prepared I think I am, it’s never a good thing. Although, I did joke that I was glad it happened because it helped me lose some of the weight I was struggling to take off. April is just about over now and I’m doing better. But, for how long?

None of the issues that triggered my depression have seen any resolution. In fact, they’re basically all still as they were, if not worse. I’ve been able to cope with them though. And while I’m feeling a bit better, I still feel like I’m constantly on the verge of another bad spell.

This entry may end up skipping around a little bit without good transitions from one thought to the next. But, that’s basically how my head has been for a while. So, bear with me.

I’ve gone into this before, but I like running in 5k races. I’ve often said that they’re usually good for my mental health. They give me a goal and no matter how I do, as long as I’ve finished a race, I’ve accomplished something. For various reasons, I skipped a few last year. Despite being in this depression, I was determined not to miss the first one that I usually do. I don’t like the course. I know it’s one of the more challenging ones that I do. I barely slept in the weeks or so leading up to the race. I did my best to get some sleep the night before and I did the race. My time was 31:12.8. That was my 2nd slowest finish out of 27 races that I’ve done. Normally, that would disappoint me. However, in this case it doesn’t bother me (that much). I was EXHAUSTED after the race. How my body felt after the race told me all I needed to know about it. I gave it EVERYTHING I had. I finished. I just didn’t finish as quickly as I would have liked. But, I still felt good afterwards. Drained, but good.

A few days later I went to see one of my favorite bands, Life of Agony, play two nights in a row in their hometown of Brooklyn. Concerts are usually a good thing for me. But, Life of Agony shows are different for me. I don’t just go to their shows to enjoy the music. I go to their shows to let out emotions. I feel like everyone there is dealing with something and we all let it out together, even if we don’t know each other. I was lucky enough to do this twice in two days. My high continued.

As I was writing the last few sentences I realized how similar of a story I wrote a few years ago. I guess it proves that my problems seem to be cyclical. It also shows me how important things such as music are to me. I already knew it, but these entries make it seem more tangible.

But what now? I don’t feel as good as I did after the shows. I don’t feel as bad as I did leading up to them. Life keeps piling on pressures and expenses for me. I’m doing what I can to survive. But, when will surviving turn into thriving? When will anything get easier? Notice that I’m attempting to be positive in my cynicism. I’m not thinking about when surviving becomes too much of a burden. I’m aiming for better things than that. Although, believe me, my mind struggles to believe there will be a change for the better.

These entries DO help me. They are a good outlet for me. When I’m at my job and a deep (sometimes dark) thought comes to my mind, I’ll write it down. Sometimes those thoughts will end up being the genesis of one of these blog entries. Sometimes they’ll end up on Twitter. Other times, they’re just written down and that’s it. As I was at my recent low point, the stuff I was posting on Twitter definitely took a darker tone than I’m used to posting on there. I’m sure some of those thoughts I had ended up there instead of here.
People that read those tweets did reach out to me. Some were very concerned. I even had someone that I don’t know from another country ask if he could help. Stuff like that makes me feel better, and yet lonely at the same time. That would seem weirder to me if it didn’t make total sense.

I think this entry is another one of my “scratching the surface” entries that has a few topics that I should dig deeper into at some point. If I do that I could find it very therapeutic. Or, maybe it could give me a lot of anxiety. Who knows?

I also think upcoming entries that I’ll be writing may have a more brooding tone to them. It’s not me being pessimistic, it’s just my gut feeling. It’s actually ironic to say that I’m having a feeling in my gut, since I spent much of the past month feeling empty inside.

That last sentence was an example of how I try to make fun of my own situation. It goes back to what one of my true heroes, Carrie Fisher said “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true. And that is unacceptable.” There’s times that laughter is the best medicine, even if what I’m laughing at is my own problems. It’s that type of insanity that keeps me sane.

I think the entire point of this entry is that when I’m down, I can’t stay down. I have to do things. I can’t just lay around and do nothing, as much as it’s my natural instinct to do. I’ve said a few times that it’s hard to be happy when my default is set to miserable. I need to do things that legitimately make me smile. I need to do things that genuinely make me feel good, even if for just a little while. A 5k race or seeing a particular band, even though I can barely afford to do any of those events, provides me with some of the relief that I desperately need. I try so hard to provide myself with those moments and I try to provide them to friends that are in need of the same.

Depression isn’t just a phase for me. It’s much bigger than that. Smiling may be a phase, but it’s a phase that I’m hoping to extend.

How Many Have to Drop Before it Stops?

There was not a school shooting in my hometown. But, there was reason to believe there could have been. The other day, a student in the high school that I attended made a threat to “shoot up” the school. Another student reported the threat, police and other law enforcement agencies came in, the student was arrested. No shots were fired, although a gun was found at his house during an investigation. This happened about two weeks after the latest mass shooting at a school that got national attention.

Guns are a problem. I’m not going to sugarcoat my opinion on that. Some of you may stop reading this after that last sentence.

Mental illness is a problem. Do I still have your attention?

Are we allowed to discuss both issues in conjunction with one another? Or are the abundance of mass shootings in America only due to mentally ill people that happen to have illegal guns? The gun used in the Florida shooting was legally purchased. What now? How can we debate that? Oh right, the shooter was sick in the head, and that was the only issue. Let’s offer “thoughts and prayers” and go about business as usual.

The United States of America is THE ONLY COUNTRY in the “developed world” that has a gun violence issue like this. We continue to ignore the issue and claim that the 2nd Amendment is under attack if changes to gun laws are proposed. Well, how about we think about things this way. We are allowing people to be killed because we’ve done NOTHING TO STOP IT.

Metal detectors at schools are not going to solve this. Armed guards at schools is not the answer. Giving guns to teachers is not the answer. To be honest, I don’t know what the answer is. I just know that whatever we’ve done so far, which is nothing, isn’t working.

Last year there was a mass shooting in Las Vegas. It was from a window or a hotel. People were gunned down while they were enjoying an outdoor concert. If more people had guns there, do you really think it would have solved anything? No, it wouldn’t have. It would have been more chaotic and more deadly. That, I’m sure of.
What action did we take with this incident? I know, we offered more “thoughts and prayers.”

We need help. We need help from Congress. We need help.
We need access to mental health care.
We need less access to guns. I’m not arguing pistols and hunting rifles. That’s a different topic for a different time. There is no reason for any person at all to own a machine gun caliber weapon. Nothing anybody ever says to attempt to justify that one will work.

We hear the slogans “America First,” “Americans First,” and “Make America Great Again” from the President. I don’t like him. I never will. I think he’s going have disastrous long-term effects on the economy, race relations, diplomatic relations with other countries, and so many other issues. However, if decent gun regulations are put into place that make it more difficult to buy a gun while he’s in office, I will not only support the move, I will praise him (if he is indeed a part of the process), and I will say that he’s put “American First” and taken a step to “Make America Great Again.”

I’m not looking for the removal of guns from law-abiding citizens. That’s not what this debate is about. And first of all, if you’re a law-abiding citizen, what are you worried about? Continue to abide by the law and you’ll be fine. But, buying a gun should not be so simple. There NEEDS TO BE more tests to determine if someone can handle it. This needs to be universal.

This is not about race or religion. Although, it’s obvious that some pundits try to turn it a discussion about that. I’ve heard people bring up inner-city violence. I’ve heard them talk about “black on black” crime as evidence that minorities are more likely to use guns. That’s a load of garbage. It’s a distraction method used by people that don’t want to discuss what the real issues are.

I can go on and on about how this isn’t just about an abundance of guns, it’s not just about a mental health issue, how (in some cases) it’s about economics, but what am I doing other than ranting? What good will come of it? Well, that depends on you. It depends on me. What are we going to do about it to make sure the mass shootings stop?

We talk about protection. How about we focus on prevention. No more empty talk. No more “thoughts and prayers.” It’s time for action. It’s time for us to realize causes. It’s time for us to realize that there’s more than one factor. It’s time for us to do something. Innocent people, sometimes children, are being killed. They’re being killed by people that society has failed. They’re being killed by outcasts that have been pushed too far without getting help. Instead of saying that someone is acting out because he or she “just wants attention,” how about we GIVE THEM SOME ATTENTION. Just sitting with someone for a few minutes and listening to what they have to say can make a world of difference.

Yes, I know this entry has gone in various directions. And I know that what I’ve written in a bit of a ramble. I was going to write about this topic a few days ago, but I wanted to clear my head and not be too emotional when I wrote it. That concept didn’t work. I’m full of emotions as I’m writing this. This is a serious topic. Actually, it’s various serious topics. We’re not doing enough to talk about them. And we’re definitely not doing enough to address them.

If you think it’s only a mental health issue, there’s nothing I can do to change your mind. But, I do implore you to do something about it. Do whatever you can to make healthcare more available and affordable to those that need it.

If you think it’s only a gun issue, then doing something about it.

If you think it’s both, do something about it.

“Thoughts and prayers” are meaningless without action.

And no actual action is killing us…

in mass.

Because, the next time something happens in my town (or yours), maybe we won’t be so lucky.

The Process of Trying to Act Unharmed.

For many of us, life can be a journey through pressure. It can overwhelm us so easily. Sometimes the difficulty of dealing with that pressure can be too much to handle. It can make day to day activities seem impossible to manage. Even the simplest of things can seem like burdens due to pressures that we experience.

I feel pressure very often. I feel the pressure to improve my situations in life. I feel the pressure to save money. I feel the pressure to not be single and sometimes the pressure that being in a relationship brings. I feel the pressure to live on my own. I feel the pressure to just survive.

All of the pressures I feel are connected. They stem from expectations put on me by my parents, my friends, my peers, my job, and society in general. Sometimes, the biggest source of pressure that’s put on me comes from myself. But, why? What am I trying to prove and to whom am I trying to prove it?

How someone handles pressure is key to survival, I think. Very often, I’m guilty of letting things build up inside. Of course, I come from a household that thrives on that. Positive expression of feelings was not something I dealt with a lot. Any negative feelings I had were belittled and often dismissed. I was conditioned to not be able (or allowed) to express myself. It would often cause me to feel lots of internal pressure and anxiety.

Expectations of how things should be versus the way they really are can be crushing. Trying to make ends meet when there’s no end in sight. Paying off bills just to watch more pile up. Looking forward to that next paycheck just because you know you’ll be able to put a full tank of gas into your car when you get that paycheck.

I deal with those scenarios. I deal with them endlessly. Some days are easier than others. Some day are a lot more difficult than others. What can I do about it? What am I doing about it? What options are there? I don’t know if doing anything different would matter. I wake up, I go to work. I work 40 hours per week. I have nothing to show for it. I don’t have any savings. I work so I can afford to get back to work and have enough food to live. I don’t feel like I’m succeeding at life. But, am I failing? Why are so many people that work a full 40 hour work week struggling? Are they failing the system, or has the system failed them?

I’m not going to get too into my financial situation in this entry. I have ideas for an upcoming entry about that. But, I don’t think it’s possible for me to talk about anxiety and pressure in my life without at least mentioning the burdens and pressure that borderline poverty bring.

I do place a lot of pressure on myself too. I think and I think and I think some more. I overthink scenarios in my head. I have visions of how they’re going to unfold. Then when it comes time to confront the issue head-on, I get very anxious. The pressure mounts and when the situation doesn’t go as expected, which is often the case, I don’t feel the sense of relief I was hoping for. In fact, my mind has already started thinking about the next step, or the remedy, to the situation. The cycle continues.

There are some situations in my life that I am intentionally vague about when I talk about them. There’s things I’m not particularly comfortable talking about in forms like this. Those situations are some of the biggest pressure cookers in my life. What makes it worse for me is that I see no way to escape them. There is no way to alleviate those pressures, at least not positively. Way too often, a boiling point is reached. And, there’s usually no change in anything as a result. It just starts building again.

I know that as bad as I may think my life’s situations can be, there’s a lot of people dealing with things much worse. I don’t take any pleasure in that. It’s not a comfort to know that people are worse off, but there is a slight bit of comfort knowing that I’m not alone. Commiseration is not necessarily bad. It can be a bonding experience, and it’s one that I don’t run from. Which is odd for someone with as many social anxieties as me.

But, even with all of that perspective, on an almost daily basis I wonder if I’m good enough. I wonder if I’m just a constant disappointment to everyone around me. Some people say I should do more for myself, but what if what I’m doing is the best I can do? What if this is the best it’s going to get? What then? Should I be proud or should I be ashamed? All of those thoughts add to the internal pressure.

Like my other entries when I start digging into this stuff, I’m not writing them for a “woe is me” tale. I’m not writing them to get sympathy. I’m writing them so I can get understanding. I want you to understand me. I want you to know I went through this, and I’m still going through this. If you have a similar story, I want you to know you’re not alone. I want you to know there’s someone that understands.

I try my best to not be ashamed of my situation. I know that a good deal of what I go through isn’t necessarily my fault. A lot of my situation is due to circumstances. A lot of those circumstances have gone wrong. Or maybe I just think they have.

See, I doubt things I don’t even have to doubt…
Or do I?
I really don’t know.

This confusion just adds to my anxiety and the pressures I feel.