It’s now been officially over one year since I’ve attended a concert. It’s also been over one full year since I’ve attended any event that I needed a ticket for. I believe that this is the first time that I’ve been able to say that in twenty years. For someone that attends as many concerts as I (normally) do and as someone that grew to rely on concerts for various reasons, you would think that I would be very upset about this. But, I’m really not.
There is no doubt that I think it would be great to be able to see some of my favorite bands in person again. It would be great to see the friends that I see at shows. It would be great to be able to get the emotional release that I get from some of those shows. But, I also know that it’s for the best that none of that has been possible for the past year.
I had planned to attend a concert in Philadelphia in March of last year. A day before the band canceled the show, I canceled my hotel reservation. COVID-19 had started to spread in that area and I decided to err on the side of caution. Some people thought that I was being overly cautious, but I have no regrets. We didn’t know what we were dealing with then, and I didn’t want to take the chance.
Here we are a year later and my (in person) socializing has been barely existent for almost twelve full months. And, I’ve had no major depressive episodes during that year. How did I avoid depression? How did the loneliness and isolation not get to me? I think the lack of rejection played a big part in it. I couldn’t be turned down. I couldn’t have plans backfire. None of that was possible over the past year.
To clarify something from the last paragraph, I never truly felt lonely over the past year. In fact, I rarely feel lonely. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But, it’s something that may be explored in a future entry. In fact, I’m already thinking about it more than anything else in this post. Why don’t I get lonely? See… I’m thinking about it too much already. Okay… moving on…
I am fully aware that a lot of what I’ve written about in the past year has been somewhat repetitious, but I haven’t had much to write about due to a lack of new experiences inspiring me.
A few paragraphs ago, I said that I’ve had no major depressive episodes recently and I haven’t. But, I am dealing with an incredible malaise right now. My motivation is shot. I’m lacking the energy to do much of anything, even with the little bit of anything that I’m doing. I’ve actually been going to sleep earlier recently. I thought that maybe that would help, but it hasn’t. Ironically, at the time that I’m writing this portion of this entry, I’m going on less sleep than I’ve had in days and I’m more full of energy than I’ve been for a few days.
For various reasons, this post has taken a few days to write. The malaise is an issue and so is time restraints. I’ve actually been busy. Yes, as much as I don’t want to do much, I always manage to make sure that I get my legitimate obligations done. I think that’s why I literally plan out so much of days sometimes. I don’t do stuff if I don’t have to.
It’s very possible that absolutely every single thing that I’ve mentioned in this entry is tied together. It’s been one full year of the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s been one full year of not being able to do the things that I used to do, or in my case, the option of doing them. The majority of my days have almost literally been nothing but, waking up, going to work, going back to the house. For a little while, I was working from my house, and while that’s convenient, it’s also not. That’s another topic that I may explore in the near future.
One of these days, I may need to go back and look at all of the topics that I’ve said that I may need to explore and actually write about them. I also may need to go back and re-read entries because I do feel that I’m repeating too much, especially over the past year. For example, if I had read last month’s entry before starting this one, I would have realized that I’m basically ending it the same way, but talking about exploring topics that I’ve brought up. And of course, I did mention something about Easter Eggs in that post. But, that’s all that I’ll say about that (for now).
There’s potential for me to be able to have a different story in my next entry. There’s things in the works that could possibly alleviate some of my personal concerns. It would be nice if those were able to come to fruition. I don’t feel like I have much to say right now. But, maybe not having much to talk about is a good thing. It’s really just a matter of perspective.
As I’ve approached my self-imposed deadline for this blog entry, I’ve had a very difficult time coming up with anything at all to say. I had toyed with the concept of writing a follow up to the entry that I wrote about nothing a while back. Because, I really felt that I had nothing to say, but I don’t know if that’s really true.
I use this space to unpack my baggage. I use this space as my outlet to discuss various things, usually relating to my own mental health. And I’ve said many times that when I’m in a good place mentally, I don’t have much to say here. And that’s where I am now.
While there isn’t much going on with me personally, there’s so much going on in the world around me. There’s been so much within the first month of 2021. The various stuff in Washington, DC. There’s been the storming of the Capitol, to the swearing in of Joe Biden as the 46th President of the United States. There’s the ongoing Pandemic. There’s all of the stuff going on with the stock market. There’s just so much happening in the world, even as the world has slowed down with the Pandemic.
I often see people talking about the younger generations being “soft.” People say that too much offends the younger people. They say that they’re not “manly enough” and other garbage like that. I’m not going to get into that here, but that topic, and some personal stories of my own about being bullied have given me stuff to think about and I’ll probably be writing something about that in the near future.
A few weeks ago, I was discussing my old blog entries on MySpace. Maybe I didn’t take them as seriously as I do the entries here, but I threw in “Easter eggs” in all of those entries. I had fun writing them and inserting various reoccurring themes into them just to see if anyone would notice. Granted, the majority of the things that I referenced were for my own amusement, but isn’t that the fun of it?
Another topic that I will likely get into more detail about soon is how I’m surviving without concerts. I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that going to concerts is like therapy for me. Different bands mean different things to me. How I experience, feel, and take in one band is completely different than another. It’s been almost a full year since I’ve been to a live show. How has that impacted me? Something that I’ve relied on so much in life hasn’t been an option for me. This topic will be explored soon.
I’ve started to realize that this entry is turning into a behind the scenes concept for this blog. I’ve discussed how I used to write entries and things that I may write in the future.
I think I may write about teachers that were positive influences on me. There’s definitely a few that did things to encourage me. In most cases, I didn’t realize it at the time. But, I think that what they did was subtle enough and when I did realize what they did for me, in most cases, many years later, I really did appreciate it. Yeah, that’ll probably be a topic here.
At the risk of sounding more pessimistic than I’ve been here recently, I don’t see the current situation with the Pandemic changing that much in the near future. That means that what I’ve been doing for most of the past year is going to continue, and it could mean that my lack of current things to talk about will also continue. I guess you could say that it’s a good thing (for me). Because, if I don’t have anything new to talk about here, that means, in theory, that I’m doing well. But, regardless of that, I want this forum to challenge me. I don’t want the challenge to be just having an entry once per month, I want the challenge to be writing something good once per month.
As I’ve been working on this entry, ideas have come to me for future entries. I’m going to do my best to plan some and put some effort into them. This one has been a total spontaneous one, after a few drafts were started, and will likely never be published. Maybe I’ll even get some of them out before each month ends. That may be too much to ask, but you never know.
This entry actually does remind me of my old MySpace entries. There’s no cohesive theme in it. And while those entries are no longer available online, I do have them all saved. I may look at them. It’s interesting to see what I wrote about before and to see how much I expressed. Will I see anger? Will I see sadness? Will I see total joy? Probably not the joy. As for the Easter Eggs in those entries, I’ll be amused by them still, since I know the jokes. Don’t look for an Easter Egg in this entry. Even if I did put one here, you wouldn’t know it yet.
So now that I’ve torn down the fourth wall in a non-TV setting, I’m going to wrap this up. I’m impressed that I was able to drag this out as long as I was. I’ll be back here soon enough. I’ll probably discuss one of the topics that I talked about earlier. And since I’m (sort of) committing to one of them now, I’ll actually put some time and effort into it.
I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” 2020 has been a weird year. It’s been like nothing that we’ve ever experienced and I hope that none of us have to experience anything like it again. The COVID-19 Pandemic that hit us this year changed so much about how we go about our daily lives. I will usually look at my year-end entry from the year before to make comparisons. I want to remind myself of where I mentally was when I wrote whatever I wrote in the previous year. I want to know what I thought I may struggle with. I want to know what my goals were. I want to be able to accurately gauge my personal progress. But, in a year when I wasn’t able to do much, there’s a few things that I can’t compare. I also can’t get upset about it.
Because of the Pandemic, my social life pretty much came to a screeching halt in March. There were no concerts, no sporting events, no BBQs, and no parties. I have barely seen anybody on a social level, in any capacity since this started. I attended a concert (Mr. Bungle) on February 11th and I saw a comedy show (Daniel Sloss) a few days later. Since then, I haven’t done anything in any type of group setting. This is completely not like any year that I’ve had in recent memory. Concerts are what I do. I usually attend many shows in any given year, and I had some plans for a few in 2020. I had some road trips planned. None of that happened.
I was hoping to compete in more 5K races than I had done in previous years. I was looking to add one or two that I had never done before, but again, the Pandemic happened. I figured that training for the races would allow me to drop the extra weight that my doctor had recommended that I lose when I saw her in January. However, when the races started getting canceled, I pretty much stopped training and I ended up gaining weight. I am glad to say that I’m basically back to where I started and I’m making sure to do my DDP Yoga workouts daily. I’ve recently started doing some more intense and longer ones. And just like every single year-end entry that I’ve ever written since I’ve started doing DDP Yoga, I still end the year not being able to do the Black Crow pose. However, the last time that it came up during a session, I was closer than I’ve ever been before. Maybe it’ll finally happen in 2021.
I spend A LOT of time in my entries and social media talking about Mental Health. I know that 2020 has been very difficult for a lot of people. I ALMOST feel bad saying this, but my mental health is great. Social anxiety is a big thing for me. I’m not comfortable in group settings. Regardless of how often you may see at a party or with a few people, I can assure you that it’s not easy for me to be there. However, that really hasn’t been an issue for me for much of the year. All joking aside, I feel great. My social anxieties are more calm than I can think of at any point since I’ve become aware of them. However, I do fear that my re-integration to society could be difficult for me when things calm down and we can get back to “normal.” But, I’ll slowly cross that bridge when we get to it.
Another bright side to doing practically nothing in 2020 is that my bank account is doing better than ever. I am an “essential” employee. I didn’t lose a cent of pay during the year. I understand that not everyone that I know can say the same. I am beyond grateful that I have a job that made sure the employees are taken care of during this unprecedented time. There’s been so many points in my life where I was so worried about money. I would have to cancel plans with friends because I couldn’t afford to keep them. That isn’t a problem now. It hasn’t been for a while. It’s an amazing difference. There’s been a few times during the year where I had to replace something that broke or pay for something that would previously have financially ruined me. It’s not a concern for me right now. I have the financial “safety net” that I’ve never had before. I’m actually almost confused by the level of comfort that I have here. But, I’m not going to let it be a bad thing.
Much like the Black Crow Pose not being achieved in 2020, I also didn’t achieve my goal of reading 12 books in the year. Both of these things seem to be common issues in my year-end entry. But, as I said earlier, I got close to the Black Crow. But, I didn’t read nearly as much as I would liked. I spent more time watching old TV and movies than reading. I will try to make the 12 books (or more) goal happen in 2021.
I noticed that one of the things that I wrote in my 2019 end of year entry was that I had a hard time writing entries in 2019 because I had a good year and I felt that I didn’t have much to talk about. I had the same problem in 2020. And as weird as 2020 was, I don’t have much to complain about. I do know a few people that got sick with COVID, but I didn’t lose anyone to it. I’m lucky there. Too many people can’t say the same thing.
My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2021 to be better than my 2020. But, in addition to my own personal efforts to improve things for myself in 2021, it’s my wish that everyone else does their part to get through the Pandemic, so we can put in behind us. I really do hope that the entry that I write on this day in 2021 will have a little bit more to talk about. But, as I wrap this up, I’m very glad that I have enough perspective to know just how good I have it right now. By no means is this how I thought my year would be, but I also cannot complain about it. I’m healthy. My friends are healthy. I may not see my friends in person, but I have plenty of ways to communicate with them, and I do. 2020 was weird for me, but it wasn’t bad for me.
But, to answer the question that I asked at the beginning of this entry, “am I better off than I was one year ago?” Honestly, yes. I really think that I am. I hope that I’m able to say the same thing again next year.
1- Paradise Lost – Obsidian 2- Mr. Bungle – The Raging Wrath of the Easter Bunny Demo 3- Katatonia – City Burials 4- The Pineapple Thief – Versions of the Truth 5- The Amity Affliction – Everyone Loves You… Once You Leave Them 6- Scott H. Biram – Fever Dreams 7- Dark Tranquillity – Moment 8- Human Impact – Human Impact 9- Body Count – Carnivore 10- Gangstagrass – No Time for Enemies
For all that was wrong with 2020, and there’s a lot, it was a really good year for new music. Six of the ten bands that are in my Annual Top 10 list are appearing for the first time. I actually gave some consideration to doing a Top 15 for the second time, and I easily could have, but I kept it to a Top 10.
From the moment that I heard the first notes of the first song on Paradise Lost’s Obsidian, I knew it was a special album. That song, “Darker Thoughts” starts off slow with clean vocals and then, at the right time, breaks into a rage with growling vocals. It perfectly set the tone for another great album from a great band with a great legacy. This is actually their second consecutive Album of the Year in my rankings, with this following their 2017 album, Medusa. I joked after that album that they should retire because their sound have gone full circle, and after 30 years and 15 albums, how could they keep going as strong. But, they did.
Not only does “Darker Thoughts” set the tone for their 16th studio album, but it kind of set the tone for 2020 as a whole. In addition to that great song, I also recommend “Fall from Grace,” “the Devil Embraced,” “Ravenghast,” and especially “Forsaken.”
Mr. Bungle broke up in 2000. They reunited in 2020 and released a new album, but in reality that album is their (previously unreleased) 1986 demo tape. I don’t know what type of impact it would have had if it were released in 1986, but in 2020, the Raging Wrath of the Easter Bunny Demo, is one of the best records to be (officially) released during the year. I saw Mr. Bungle play this album in its entirety in February. That was actually the last concert that I was able to attend before the pandemic put a stop to that. I knew basically none of the songs that were played that night, but it was still very memorable. The album was released on October 30th and the band did a live streaming concert on Halloween, where they played it again. It’s just a really good 1980s style thrash album released in 2020. In fact, this entire story is a very 2020 thing, and also a very (Mr. Bungle front man) Mike Patton thing to do.
Tracks that I think stand out a bit on the Raging Wrath of the Easter Bunny Demo include “Anarchy Up Your Anus,” “Hypocrites / Habla Español O Muere,” “Eracist,” and “Methematics.” In fact, “Methematics” sounded somewhat familiar, because it’s obvious that Mr. Bungle used parts of this unreleased song and used it in their 1991 self-titled (official) first release in the song “Love is a Fist.”
Before Paradise Lost in 2017 and 2020, Katatonia was the only band that got the top spot in my Top 10 list (2009’s Night is the New Day and 2012’s Dead End Kings). Their 2020 release, City Burials is really a great album, and could easily have given Katatonia their third Album of the Year, if it wasn’t for the two albums that I’ve already spoken about. Like Paradise Lost’s Obsidian, this album starts off with a great song, “Heart Sets to Divide,” that sets the tone for the rest of the album.
Other good songs that I like include “Lacquer,” “the Winter of our Passing,” and “Flicker.” I also want to state that “Behind the Blood” is a great song that includes one of the best lines that I’ve head in a long time, “You’re a torch to the temple of depression.” Seriously, that’s a powerful line.
I’ve been aware of Bruce Soord’s The Pineapple Thief since he and Katatonia’s Jonas Renkse collaborated on 2013’s album of the year, Wisdom of Crowds. I’ve heard some stuff from The Pineapple Thief over the past few years, but not much of it really did much for me. That changed with Versions of the Truth. The first track that I heard was the title track from the album and it peaked my interest enough to listen to more, and I’m glad that I did. I think the album is a great combination of what I like from bands like Katatonia, Porcupine Tree, and Anathema. It’s a good album that did not bore me at any point while I was listening to it.
Other tracks that I think stand out a bit include “Demons,” “Too Many Voices” and “Our Mire.”
While six of the ten bands to have albums on this year’s list have never appeared on it before, The Amity Affliction is the only one that I didn’t know of until 2020. I heard their song “Soak Me in Bleach” while I was driving and I really liked it, so I looked into them and saw that they had just released an album, Everyone Loves You… Once You Leave Them. I got a copy of the album and enjoyed it quite a bit. I don’t generally listen to things in the Metalcore genre unless the albums really stand out. This one did.
The first three tracks of the album “Coffin,” “All My Friends Are Dead,” and (the already mentioned) “Soak Me in Bleach” start the album really well. “All I Do is Sink” and “Born to Lose” are also good songs to check out.
Scott H. Biram’s Fever Dreams was released on the day after Thanksgiving. It was basically a surprise. There was no advanced notice. No singles were released. And while, I’ve been listening to Biram for 15 years, and basically knew what I could expect from one of his albums, I still didn’t know what to expect. What I got was one of the most polished, yet still raw sounding, albums that I’ve heard from him. The title track is one his more heartfelt songs in his library and the song “Can’t Stay Long” sounds like it would fit on the Smokey and the Bandit soundtrack, which (to be clear) is complimentary. This is another really good album from “the Dirty Old One Man Band.”
Other great songs from the album include “Single Again” which I would put up against any popular country song and “Drunk Like Me” which has the trademark Biram sound that made me a fan from the start.
Very few bands that I listen to are as consistent as Dark Tranquillity. They put out quality album after quality album, and Moment is another example of that. Like Mr. Bungle, Dark Tranquillity had a streaming concert where they played their new album in its entirety on the day after it was released. I made it a point to listen to the album one time before seeing the show. The songs that I liked upon the first listen were great during their live performance. The song “Identical to None” IMMEDIATELY stood out to me and quickly became one of my favorite songs from Dark Tranquillity’s entire 30 year career.
“The Dark Unbroken,” “Empires Lost to Time,” and “Phantom Days” are some of my other favorite songs from Moment.
Human Impact is considered to be an “American Noise Rock supergroup.” I don’t quite know what “American Noise Rock” is, but I know that I like Human Impact’s self-titled debut album. They are on Mike Patton’s Ipecac Records label and I’m pretty sure that I discovered them through a YouTube suggestion. The video that I saw on YouTube was for their song “Cause.” I really liked that song and searched for more. I liked that and got a copy of their album. Just like Amity Affliction, I was thrilled to find another new good band that I liked to listen to.
If you’re inclined to listen to songs from this album to check them out, in addition to “Cause,” I like “E605,” “Respirator,” and “Protestor.”
If you’re surprised to see Body Count in my Top 10 Albums of the Year list, so am I. I’ve listened to them on and off since their 1990 debut. Over the past few years, I’ve really liked some of their newer songs, but I didn’t go out of my way to get any of their albums. Then I heard the title track from their 2020 album, Carnivore. I liked the song. I also noticed that they were going to be playing in my area not long after that. In order to get myself up to speed on their newer stuff, I bought a few albums, including Carnivore. Unfortunately, the pandemic happened and the show was canceled. But, that didn’t take away from my enjoyment of the album. It’s a really good, aggressive, hardcore style album.
My favorite tracks from Carnivore include the already mentioned title track, “Another Level,” “Thee Critical Beatdown,” and the updated version of “Colors.”
A found out about Gangstagrass just a few years ago. They’re a bluegrass/hip hop band. Yeah, you read that correctly. I saw them in concert shortly after first discovering them and I had a great time. I got a bunch of their albums and became familiar with some of their back catalog. 2020’s No Time for Enemies is their 6th studio album and the first one that they’ve released since I’ve known of them. It’s the 10th Best Album of 2020, as far as I’m concerned. I’m also pretty sure that some of their other releases could have made my lists if I had known about them earlier.
Some of the songs that I like the most from No Time for Enemies include “Freedom,” “Do Better,” and especially “Nickel and Dime Blues.”
As I stated at the beginning of this post, there were a lot of good albums in 2020. Here is a listing of other albums that came out during the year (in alphabetical order by artist):
– The Allman Betts Band – Bless Your Heart. This is a good album, but it just missed the list. – Blackfield – For the Music. Blackfield without Steven Wilson as a main song writer is just boring. – Corey Taylor – CMFT. This record has some good stuff on it, but it’s a bit disjointed with different styles of songs on it. – Dion – Blues with Friends. In my opinion, this is the best album that Dion has put out since 1989’s Yo Frankie. – Fiona Apple – Fetch the Bolt Cutters. A good album with some good songs. – Hatebreed – Weight of the False Self. This was a Hatebreed album. I got what I expected. – Heaven Shall Burn –Of Truth and Sacrifice. This was a double album that had a few good songs, but of the 19 tracks on the album, the good ones were lost in the shuffle. – Lamb of God – Lamb of God. There’s some good stuff on here and in a year that was stacked with GREAT albums, it may have made the Top 10. – Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks – Dream Curse. Lonesome Wyatt puts out good stuff, but I think he’s better when he’s with Those Poor Bastards. – Mina Caputo – The Mones. There are some wonderfully poetic songs on here. – Mushroomhead – A Wonderful Life. This is first Mushroomhead album without their founder Jeffrey Nothing, who left in 2018. His replacement sounds a lot like him, but it’s not the same. – Spy Machines – Spy Machines. This is a jam group consisting of Clutch’s JP Gaster and some people that Clutch has toured with. It’s a fun album, but I don’t see myself listening to it often. – Tetema – necroscape. This is one of those “I don’t know what I’m listening to” Mike Patton projects. – Trivium – What the Dead Men Say. See Lamb of God. – White Stones – Kuarahy. White Stones was founded by Opeth’s bass player, Martin Mendez. Their debut album sounds like Opeth demo tapes and songs that didn’t make the cut with Opeth. – William Elliot Whitmore – I’m With You. A solid folk/blues album.
I’ve enjoyed listening to all of these albums this year, and all of them did get a full listen. I know that (2009 Album of the Year winner) Moonspell and Steven Wilson (2007 winner, as part of Porcupine Tree) have new albums coming out in 2021. I’m not sure about other acts. I know some bands are holding off on releasing new material until that they can properly tour for it. I’m hoping to have a list half as good as this one when I start compiling my 2021 Top 10 about a year from now.
A note about eligibility for my 2020 Album of the Year: – the album must have had a United States release date in 2020. – the album must be new material (for the band or artist). – live albums are only eligible if they’re new material.
I’ve spent the majority of 2020 inside. Not just inside my house, but inside my head, as I explained a bit last month. It’s been a weird year for all of us. I don’t need to get into that, and to be honest, I’m trying to save some of it for next month’s 2020 recap entry. But, as I continue to tell people that I’m doing fine, all it takes one is one thing to trigger a feeling, memory, or emotion that makes me question all of it.
A day or so ago, I saw a video online of someone acting out her relationship with her mother. It was a DEEP video. It was my trigger. I went from being content to “having lot of feels,” as the kids say. I am not capable of getting too deep inside my own thoughts enough to convey what exactly that video did to my psyche. Or at least, I’m not able to properly convey it.
As much as I’m capable of saying in this forum, there’s still A LOT that I’m not able to say. Maybe one day I will be able to, but today is not that time.
One of the things that I said immediately after seeing the video was that I was starting to “question everything.” I started to wonder if I’ve been honest with myself over the past few months. I’ve told people that I’m really doing emotionally and mentally well during the Pandemic. I mean, I think I am, but what if I’m not okay and I’ve just convinced myself that I am? Yes, a video about someone’s toxic relationship with her mother made my mind go there. It hit very close to home, literally and figuratively.
I have a lot of defense mechanisms. I make a lot of jokes at my own expense. I’ve told people that since I’m not doing much of any socializing during the Pandemic, my social anxiety levels have never been better. And, there’s definitely a level of truth to that. But, I’m now questioning how true that is and if I’m just making it up to convince myself that it’s true. This goes back to the self doubt that I often talk about in these entries. A LOT of that self doubt comes from things that were said to me by my parents.
I don’t want to use this entry to go down a dark path. I know it could easily go there. I’m NOT in a bad place. Well, I think I’m not. See, it’s happening. I’m not just putting the doubtful lines in here as humorous diversions. It’s really how I think. Am I fine now? Am I not?
My routines keep me sane throughout the days. I need the order. I’ve continued to find comfort in the things that I discussed in last month’s entry. But, am I looking for the comfort there to compensate for other things that are lacking? Isn’t that something that we all do? Am I different? There’s always more questions for me than answers.
Part of the reason that I’ve said that I’m doing well is that I’ve been isolated for so much of my life. So basically, I’ve been practicing for Pandemic Life. I was not allowed to go out and do things with my friends as much as others were. When I was allowed, I would always have to check in multiple times, or else. Those patterns of behaviors and guidelines definitely set me on the path to social anxieties. I got to the point where I started to not ask to do things because the disappointment of missing out was easier to deal with than the denial of permission.
Like I said last month, I spent days and weeks in my house watching TV. It was there for more. I did that in my bedroom, where I’m typing this now. It’s my sanctuary. It’s where I’m safe. It’s where I was sent as a punishment when I was a child. I’ve become a prisoner in my own Stockholm Syndrome. Yet, I like it here… I think.
The restrictions, guidelines, and mandates that I spoke of earlier didn’t go away as I got to “legal age.” They continued. Even after I was no longer required to check in with anyone, I still feel the anticipation of problems if I don’t do it. And it’s been over a decade since I’ve needed to check. How does this tie-in with me spending time in my room now as an adult during a Pandemic?
I’m sitting here trying to figure that out. I’ve spent some time since the last paragraph ended attempting to put my thoughts together without going back and deleting much of this entry. Some of my friends have recently told me that they’re actually surprised when I say that I’m such an introvert and how uncomfortable I am in social settings. That gets me thinking if I’m really better at being in public than I think I am or I’m just good at faking it.
I really didn’t answer the question there, did I? I know this entry is jumbled. I know there’s somewhat of a vague common theme here, but it’s not going where it could. That’s probably because where it could go is a lot deeper inside of me than I realized it was when I started typing this.
About 20 minutes has passed since I ended the last paragraph. I’ve started browsing some of my older entries. I’ve seen some common themes. I’ve seen some common doubts. I’ve seen some common issues. I’ve seen some common pauses in my ability to express.
I want to believe that I’m doing okay right now. Even though, I’m a firm believer in “it’s okay to not be okay.” So, if I’m okay with not being okay, am I okay? Yeah, I had to ask that. Right now, I’m okay with not knowing the answer to that question or any others that I’ve asked here. And I’ll be okay revisiting these concepts and questions when the time is right. And it’ll only be right when it’s the right time.
But, until then, I’m going to retreat back to me mental and emotional safe space and continue with my current routines. Because, until I doubt them enough, it’s still comfortable there. And that’s where I need to be right now.
I live inside my head. There’s a decent amount of real estate there. There’s also a lot of roads inside there. Some of those roads go to very dark places. Some of those roads go to places that I’ve been to before. Some of those roads go to places that I’ve never been to. Some of those roads take me to places that I’ll never go to. But, all of those roads take me to where I am now. But, where am I?
2020 has been a weird year. As the world has mostly been shut down due to a pandemic, the overwhelming majority of things that I’ve done for my sanity aren’t available to me anymore. I can’t attend concerts or sporting events. Going to a bar with friends isn’t a viable options. So many of my routines, habits, and hobbies have been placed on hold. You would think that I would be absolutely miserable because of that. But, I’m not.
I would tell you that I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally, but to be honest, I don’t know if I ever truly am. I’ve often spoken about how I always question why things aren’t going wrong when I’m enjoying myself for an extended period of time. And I almost took that road yesterday, but, the road took a slight detour.
Instead of going to one of those dark places in my head, my mind took me on the road to the summer of 1990. When the majority of my classmates were outside during the day and playing with their friends, I was most likely asleep during the day. I didn’t see anyone. I slept all day and stayed in my room and watched TV and listened to the radio all night. No, this isn’t a dark place for me, it was a comfortable place. And, I think that’s where I am now.
In 1990, I really didn’t have many friends. I was getting ready to start high school. The concept of “fresh start” didn’t seem that appealing to me. I saw high school as the chance to have double the amount of classmates that didn’t like me. Yes, that part IS as bad as it sounds.
The TV shows that I was watching during that summer were Doctor Who episodes on PBS, Professional Wrestling, stand up comedy specials, and late night talk shows such as the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Late Night with David Letterman, Later with Bob Costas, and the Joe Franklin Show. Later was one of the first true sit down, one on one, interview shows that I enjoyed watching. The Joe Franklin show was on a local channel and at one point in his career, he would interview A-List celebrities. I don’t think he was getting those when I was watching. I also spent a lot of time watching reruns of sitcoms and listening to sports talk radio.
It’s now 2020. When I’m not at work, I’m at my house, in my room. I watch Doctor Who box sets, Professional Wrestling, stand up comedy specials, game shows from the 1970s and 1980s, and reruns of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I listen to podcasts that discuss things such as Later with Bob Costas and the Joe Franklin Show. To be clear, they aren’t just discussing things that are similar, they’re actually discussing those shows.
I do some other things besides that, but for the most part, I barely leave that one room, just like 30 years ago, and basically every day in between.
In 2020, I truly have more friends that I could ever imagine having. But, I don’t see them in person. It’s not necessarily safe to do that right now. I’m not upset about it. And I due to my mind going on a long road trip of pondering yesterday, I think I know why I’m okay with being where I am now.
The 1990 scenario that I described probably did a lot to enhance my social anxieties. I say enhance them and not cause them because I was always a bit shy. Being social is very difficult for me sometimes. I’ve described that in detail in some other entries. But, here we are in 2020 and being social isn’t an option. It’s actually kind of a freeing feeling. I’m capable of being me and doing what I want to do without worrying about anything else. It’s easy for me, and I feel safe here.
Of course, immediately after finishing that last paragraph, my mind went down another long road of thought. Is “easy” good for me? Am I comfortable being where I am? Is comfortable good? Should I question this a lot less? Should I just be glad that I’m doing well? What if I’m not really doing well? What if I’m doing well where I am now and don’t want to leave?
So yeah… That’s how my mind works. It sounds like a fun place to be, right?
Fun or not, good or bad, happy or sad, it’s where I am right now. It’s where my mind has taken me. It’s where 2020 has taken my mind. I want to make it as clear as I possibly can. Regardless of all of the places that my mind can go, I have not had one single major depressive episode during the year. I haven’t even come close. Maybe, sitting around and watching retro TV and movies is healthy for me. I mean, I know that I enjoy it… well, at least I think that I do.
See, it happened again. Instant doubt.
The truth is, that regardless of all of the things that I’ve said in this post, I’m not in a dark place. Yes, sometimes my mind heads in that direction, but the comforting thoughts of binge watching an old TV series is a detour that my mind enjoys going on. And if there’s enjoyment, with no pressure and no anxiety, I should probably do my best not to take that road or let it take up too much space in my head.
Enjoyment. Happiness. Satisfaction. Contentment. Based on what I’ve said in many of my recent entries, I should be experiencing many of those feelings. I’ve talked about how well things are going for me. I’ve mentioned that I’m in a good place. I have significantly less concerns about my life than I’m used to having. Yet, I’m not feeling those things. Instead, I’m dealing with doubt, fear, anxiety, and maybe complacency.
In another entry from a while ago, I talked about living in a “world of ‘can’t.'” That means that I’ve always been told about what I can’t do. I’ve always had a voice in my head telling me what I can’t do. Very often, the voices telling me that were my parents, teachers, and other authority figures in my life. And I’m not talking about them advising not to play in traffic or something like that. I’m talking about convincing me that things that I wanted to do were not worth the time or that I couldn’t accomplish them. But, now, at 44 years old, the voice in my head telling me that I can’t do things is my own.
How do I convince that voice that it’s wrong? How do I change how my mind is programmed and move from “can’t” to “can” and then to “done?” There’s been so many times in my life when I’ve felt that it’s just easier to NOT do something than to try it and not succeed. Sometimes I’ll plan something and the anxiety of whatever it is gets me very worked up. Then I’ll cancel that plan and I won’t feel dread or sorrow that it’s not happening, I’ll feel relieved that my anxiety is gone.
In January of this year, I had my annual physical. It was suggested by my doctor that I lose weight. Even before that appointment, I had hoped to lose 30 pounds. I had planned to use the various 5k races that I usually run throughout the year as my motivation. I was going to train as much as possible. I was going to eat better. I was going to do as much as I possibly could to get as close to the shape that I was in 5 years ago when I was setting records for myself in almost every race that I ran. My personal record is from that year and I’ve only come close to it one time since.
In addition to the races that I usually sign up for, I had planned to do one or two more than usual. Then COVID-19 happened. All of the races were canceled. Gyms closed. My motivation went with it. My weight went up. I don’t question why I gained more weight. I may joke about it, but I know exactly why. My efforts to lose the weight haven’t worked. Although, to be completely honest, my efforts have been pretty minimal. I know that I have the tools to do it. I know what I have to do. I just haven’t been able to do it. I’ve attempted to do longer in-house workout routines, but I’m more likely to stop doing them halfway through than I am to complete them. I’ll plan a 2 mile run around my town, but after struggling to get the first half mile done, I’ll gladly quit when I get to one mile. Why am I doing that? Am I more satisfied by not struggling to complete a goal than I am to go through with the struggle? It’s the voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do it.
To be fair, over the past few weeks, I have made significant changes to my food consumption. I am making an effort there. And, I’m doing well with it. I’ve lost (at least) 5 pounds. And while I’ve done well here, I KNOW how easy it is for me to have one doubt planted in my mind (by my own history) and immediately start buying potato chips and other unhealthy snacks again.
I’ve told people that I lack the energy and stamina to do a full workout. I’ve also said that if I did more full workouts, I would probably have more energy and stamina. I don’t sleep well. A lack of sleep can lead to weight gain (at least according to some article that I recently saw). If I slept better, would I have the energy to get more done? If I got more done, would I have more energy? Is it bad that I had planned to do some exercise 30 minutes ago, but starting typing this instead?
There’s other things in my life that I need to work on besides just my weight. But, just like everything that I’ve said in this entry, there’s so much doubt in my mind about my ability to get them done. Even if I start them, I don’t know if I can finish them. My life has so many unfinished projects. Well, now I know a topic for another entry, but I digress.
2020 has halted much of the world. I’ve settled into a lot of routines that are enjoyable, but are they all good for me? The majority of them have me sitting around. Most of them include watching TV or listening to an album. There’s nothing wrong with doing those things, but I think that I need to maybe make them more or a reward for myself than the actual goal.
If I know that I have do these other things, why don’t I just do them? That’s a great question that I think some of you are probably asking. I ask myself that too. Just getting up and doing something isn’t as easy as it sounds like it is or should be. I don’t think I’m in the midst of a depressive episode that is keeping me from doing things. I don’t know why the voice in my head keeps telling me that I can’t. I need to free myself from the voice that tells me no, or at least shut it up for a while. Until I do that, I don’t know how much I can change.
If I publish an entry that is blatantly political, I know that a vast majority of my few regular readers will just skip over the post. This entry is going to deal with some issues that are in the news and are linked to politics. I’m going to do my best to stay away from directly referencing political aspects of it, while attempting to make sense of things that, to me, don’t make sense. I’m also going to try to explain how I got to the point that I’m at with my own beliefs.
I’m a middle-aged white male. That means that there’s a lot of things that I don’t need to worry about. I don’t need to be concerned with whether or not I have access to birth control (pills, abortion, etc). I don’t need to worry about not being paid equally because of who I am. I don’t need to worry about being profiled and harassed based on the color of my skin. I am someone that has White Privilege.
White Privilege does not mean that I don’t need to work hard to advance in life. And it doesn’t mean that non-whites get by with hand-outs. It just means that I have a head start, based on who I am. White Privilege doesn’t mean that I won’t get pulled over for speeding. It means that I’m more likely to not be harassed for doing it. But, this post is not about my White Privilege.
Throughout the 40+ years that I’ve been alive, I’ve been picked on, made fun of, insulted, harassed, and even beaten up. I deserved none of that, but often I thought that I must have deserved it. Sometimes I felt scared to go to school. I didn’t want to tell my parents or my teachers about what was happening to me because I was afraid of retaliation. I never acted out or really fought back, because I was always afraid of consequences.
How many times have we heard stories about a high school kid that shoots his classmates? How many times have we heard stories about a high school kid that dies by suicide? In many cases, both of those horrible actions are the result of someone being treated like I was in school.
Beaten down. Figuratively, literally, emotionally, mentally. How much can one person take before there’s a breaking point? Imagine yourself in my shoes in high school. It wasn’t pleasant for me.
I was one person. I was afraid. I felt that I was nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I had a few bad experiences with some teachers and counselors. They made me feel that I was at fault. I was told that I was lazy. I was told that I didn’t work hard enough. They failed to address what my real problems were. They didn’t do anything to solve or even help me get past those problems and they certainly never held anyone accountable for what was done to me, even if they witnessed it.
Now imagine that an entire community of people that go through the same thing. Imagine that community is treated like they don’t belong with “the rest of us.” Imagine that people in that community are constantly threatened and harassed by the people in charge. Imagine that people that are supposed to protect that community are seen as threats instead of help. Imagine that when something goes wrong for that community that nobody assists them, and instead they’re constantly told that they’re at fault and deserve what’s happened to them.
What I vaguely described in the paragraph above is how I see issues facing the Black Community in the United States. It’s also why I empathize with them. I’ve been the person that’s felt how they feel. Just so it’s clear, I am by no means trying to make the comparison of my personal struggles with Blacks in America. I would diminishing them if I did that. I’m just trying to say that I understand.
In the past few months, we’ve seen more and more stories about Black Americans being shot, beaten, and harassed by authority figures. We’ve seen others in positions of power not step up to help, and in many cases, criticize them for being upset about what’s happened to them, and how they’re handling it.
Like the scenarios that I described earlier about the high school kids that snap and do somethings drastic, that’s where the Black Community in America is now. They’re that beaten down person that has had enough and is lashing out.
When your pleas for help are constantly ignored, you lash out. When you’ve always been treated like you don’t matter, you may not know what to do. When you have no way to improve your situation because there isn’t a system in place to help you, what can do you do?
I already know how some people will react to this post. I know how some people may criticize me for making the comparison that I’ve made. I know how some people believe that one side of the political aisle has done more damage (or more to help) to blacks than the other. To be honest, none of that really matters right now. To me, the issue is simple. The issue that we can say that all people have the same chances and opportunities in the United States, but that’s not true. It’s never been true. White males have always had an advantage and have made the rules. Those rules don’t benefit everyone else as much as they benefit themselves.
I’m doing my best to not turn this into an us vs. them post. I don’t want to get into politics here, but I know that what I’m going to say in the next few sentences is going to spark a certain response from some.
There was a time that I wouldn’t say “Black Lives Matter.” I felt it was silly to say that people are equal and then separate anyone, so I wrote someone on one of my social media pages about how we should all say “All Lives Matter.” I saw who was agreeing with me, and who wasn’t. The “Black Lives Matter” people were people whose opinions that I usually agree with and I thought I was agreeing them in my reasoning, but it looks like I didn’t get it yet.
Without publicly stating it, I did change my views on that. But it wasn’t until the George Floyd story happened when I first started publicly stating “Black Lives Matter.” I even wrote a retraction of my original post from a few years earlier. I really have no concept of time in 2020, so I don’t know exactly when I came to the realizations that I did, based on the comparisons that I spoke of in this entry, but I’m glad that I did.
I am an advocate for Mental Health Awareness. My experiences in that area over the past few years, and from what I’ve learned about myself and others, really has made me much more empathetic. I don’t want anyone to feel as bad about themselves as I have at times.
This entry isn’t as cohesive as maybe it should be. To be honest, even though this is something that I’ve given a lot of thought to, I didn’t plan to write this today. I didn’t come up with an outline for it. I actually had another entry half written before I even started this.
In my entries, I’ve often said that we need to do better. And we really do. “We” means all of us. Society continues to leave people behind. WE have to stop that. The people that believe and proudly say “All Lives Matter” need to do more to make that true. Because until Black Lives Matter, not All Lives Do.
Part of the problem with committing myself to write (at least) one entry per month is that sometimes I have very little to say. A lot of my entries are inspired by something that happened to me since my last entry. I know that the vast majority of my entries are posted at the end of the month. I’m pretty good about being aware of when the end of the month is coming and that I need to start writing. But, in 2020, there’s almost no concept of time. Days blend together. Months don’t seem to exist. Weeks ago seem like years ago.
So, in addition to having almost no concept of time, I haven’t really done anything. I have almost nothing new to discuss. I was thinking about writing about nothing, but I’ve done that already, literally.
I know that I’ve often discussed my need for routines. The insanity of my routines is probably keeping me very sane right now. I’ve started following a few new ones recently that aren’t that intense. One of those news ones consists of enjoying wings and beer on Saturday nights while watching recent episodes of the newest version of “Match Game.” It’s a simple thing, but it’s relaxing and comfortable.
In addition to watching new episodes of Match Game, I’ve spent a lot of time watching older versions. I’ve always liked that show… Well, most versions of it anyway. I’ve watched a lot of Password Plus and Super Password recently too. I’ve realized that Super Password’s host, Bert Convy, was actually awkward as a host. But, he was definitely better than Jon Bauman as host of the Hollywood Squares portion of the Match Game/Hollywood Squares hour.
No, this entry isn’t going to be a review of game shows, although, that concept is starting to sound good. Maybe one day, I’ll do that.
I’ve recently also started watching Animaniacs for the first time. I may have seen an episode or two at some point when it first aired, but I never really paid attention to it. I’m so genuinely glad that I’m new to the show. There’s so many old school Hollywood references and inside jokes. I have such an appreciation and a good enough understanding of what/who they’re making fun of. I wouldn’t have understood those jokes in 1993 when the show was first on.
It’s been four months since I’ve done any in-person socializing. Although, it seems like yesterday and longer than four months at the same time. Yes, there’s another reference to time not existing. But did it really exist before? Think about it. Did man invent the concept of time? Well, actually, yes, man did. That’s not debatable.
I’m not concerned about this entry being a rambling mess of concepts that have nothing to do with each other. That’s pretty much every day right now. There I go again with a time reference. Well, since I’m talking about time and things that I enjoy watching, I’ve bought a few box sets of full seasons of Classic Doctor Who. I should probably watch some of those soon. I’m also waiting for the price to drop on another few box sets before I buy them.
It’s the middle of the summer. I don’t like to complain about expected weather conditions during whatever season that condition is expected in, but we’re currently in the middle of a pretty serious heat wave. I would like it to stop. I wanted to start running again recently, but I don’t think it would be healthy for me to do that right now. It’s been consistently in the 90s recently and I would prefer at least 10-15 degrees cooler. Once that happens, I’ll get out there and start running, or at least walking more often.
There’s so much happening, and yet nothing is happening. There’s so much going on, yet nothing going on. It’s just a weird time right now. We just have to make the best of it. I think I’m doing that for myself. I haven’t come close to any depressive episodes during the pandemic. Although, I think part of the reason for that is that I’ve had so few real interactions with anyone. Isolation is good for someone like me. I think I may be stumbling on a topic for a future entry.
Since I am basically rambling on and on here without any set theme or concept in this entry, I think I’ll finish it here with a little summary. Things are weird. Time doesn’t exist. Bert Convy wasn’t nearly as good as Allen Ludden. I’m doing well.
As I’ve stated a few times in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. Yes, I know that it’s genuinely the half way point of a year, but I’m saying that I see a year as more of a complete half (if that makes sense) than someone that was born in (let’s say) March or September might.
Because of that split of a year and because of my birthday, I’ll usually look at the progress that I’ve made. Not just within the past 6 months, but in my entire life. This year, because of all that’s going on, mostly due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I really don’t know what to say. So, bear with me as I plow through this entry and attempt to make sense of things.
To my surprise, not only am I mentally and emotionally doing pretty well right now, I almost think I’m thriving. I’ve joked that as someone with social anxiety and because I’m basically an introvert, the lock-down and social distancing that has come about because of the pandemic is something that I’ve been training for my entire life. But, on a serious note, my tendency to question why things are good has started to pop up. I almost feel bad that I’m doing so well for myself in a time that so many people in the world are suffering.
As I approach my 44th anniversary of my birth in a few days, I’ve made some observations about time. It’s always been evident to me that time seems to move quicker as you get older. But, six months into 2020, this year seems to be the longest 15 years that anyone has ever so quickly experienced in a 6 month period. While I absolutely know that April and May happened this year, I barely remember them. They’re a complete blur. And that blur is not due to my newly found fascination with whisky or vodka. Time is just barely a concept right now.
I had plans to run more official 5k races than I had done in previous years. Last year’s results were some of the slowest ones that I’ve ever had and I wanted to do better in 2020, but shortly after I signed up for my first race, the pandemic hit and one by one the races started getting canceled. In addition to my slower finishes last year, another reason that I wanted to run more races this year is that I had gained weight last year and at my annual physical in January, my doctor recommended that I lose a few pounds. By a few, I mean at least 20. I had started on that path, but when the races were canceled, I pretty much stopped training. I haven’t gone for a run of any kind since probably mid-April.
Speaking of things that I haven’t done for a while. I have not seen anyone in a face to face social setting since the end of March. In any other time, something like that could easily trigger a massive depressive episode for me, but I think I have enough perspective to know it’s for the best right now. Also, thanks to the wonders of social networks, I participate in regular online video chats with friends and I’m perfectly okay with that.
Something else that I often talk about in my annual-almost birthday post is my bank account. Well, it’s doing very well. I wish I could tell you that it’s doing well because I’m making so much more money than I was at this point one year ago, but I’m not. I’m literally making the exact same amount. However, with EVERYTHING canceled or postponed, there’s no places for me to go. I’ve put gas in my car a total of 3 times since March. That’s a lot different than two years ago when I was filling up twice per week only because of my commute to and from work.
I’ve found ways to manage time. The routines that I’ve come up with to fill the rest of my days when I’m not working not only help keep me sane, but to some degree, they help me (sort of) keep track of what day of the week that it is. Although, the way time has worked in 2020, I’m still often confused about all of that.
At various points last year, I lamented about not being able to find enough things to write about. I’m pretty much dealing with that again right here. How can I give you my standard progress report when I’ve done so little in the time period that I’m reviewing? I know that isn’t because of me, there’s things going on that are much bigger than me right now, and it is what it is. I don’t like using that expression, but it’s how things are now.
I don’t want to keep this entry going much longer because I’ve realized that, after two full drafts of this and a few edits, it’s painfully obvious to me that I really don’t have much more to say.
In just a few days, I’ll be 44 years old. At 43, I can still cling to the “early 40s” thing. That’ll be officially gone in a few days. I’ll officially be in my “mid 40s.” 44 years have gone by very quickly. And if the next 365 days are anything like this past year has been, I won’t know where at least 5 of the months went and I’ll have aged another 20 years by the time I write this entry next year.