Category Archives: Life

If you look up, there are no limits…

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Sometimes a moment in life can seem insignificant when it happens. That moment may turn out to be very significant by the time it’s all said and done. Back in 2001 or so, a friend of mine that knew I was into female fronted metal bands had suggested that I listen to the band Lacuna Coil from Italy. I had never heard of them before then, but I followed his advice and downloaded their song “To Myself I Turned.” I was immediately hooked. Nice story so far, but not tremendously significant.

By early 2003, Lacuna Coil had released two more albums and were supposed to be on a tour with Opeth, Paradise Lost, and Tapping the Vein. At the time, Opeth and (especially) Paradise Lost were two of my favorite bands that I had not yet seen in concert. The chance to see all of them at once seemed too good to be true, and it was. Lacuna Coil had to back out of the tour. I was upset, but not terribly upset, since this meant Paradise Lost was now able to play a longer set. Again, this does not seem like a terribly significant event.

Opeth toured the United States again in the Spring of 2003 and Lacuna Coil was once again their support. I got myself a ticket to see one of their local shows on May 15th. Not long before the day of the concert I found out that the members of Lacuna Coil were going to be doing a meet and greet at a record store a few hours before the show. I went to that event and met the band. I immediately noticed how nice the members of the band were and how much they genuinely liked and appreciated their fans. Also, at the signing, I noticed a girl taking a lot of pictures. I didn’t yet know how significant all of this would be.

Who knew how significant this ticket would be?

Who knew how significant this ticket would be?

A few weeks later I was in a Metal music chat room on Yahoo. Someone in the chat asked if anyone had been to any shows recently. I mentioned that I saw Opeth and Lacuna Coil at the Birch Hill in NJ. Someone else in the room said they were also at that show and we started talking. Her name was Candace, and as it turns out, she was the one talking all the pictures at the show. As random as that revelation was, it did not seem to be very significant.

Just over one month later, Lacuna Coil was back at the Birch Hill, this time they were the support for Type O Negative, whom I had liked for over a decade, but had never seen live. It was at this show that I first met Candace and her boyfriend (at the time), Anthony face to face. It was not a very significant meeting, it was more like a “Hi, nice to meet you” and that was it.

During that Summer, Anthony and Candace told me about EmptySpiral.net, a website created by a Lacuna Coil fan from England for Lacuna Coil fans to go to. I joined the site and often posted messages there. At the time, this seemed to be just another site that I belonged to and enjoyed being a part of, but it didn’t seem to have any real significance to my life.

Lacuna Coil played a few headline shows in late 2003. I went to those shows and would always meet up with Anthony, Candace, and now a few more people they knew from EmptySpiral. And through my association with them, I was now regularly hanging out with the band before and after shows. I knew this was not insignificant.

Me with the members of Lacuna Coil in 2003

Me with the members of Lacuna Coil in 2003

When Ozzfest 2004 came around, Lacuna Coil was one of the acts on the “second stage” and had quite a buzz about them. Other than legendary acts such as Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and Slayer, Lacuna Coil’s sales at Ozzfest were at the top. I saw them at a local Ozzfest show and attained a very significant sunburn doing so. After Ozzfest, Lacuna Coil went back home to Italy for to rest and to make a new album. During that time I made a lot more friends on EmptySpiral.net, even if I had not met most of them in person.

Lacuna Coil returned to the United States in March, 2006 as support for Rob Zombie. I went to see them in NYC. They did a meet and greet after their set. I was thrilled when members of the bands got out of their chairs to hug me when they saw me. One of them even said “it’s been almost 2 years, how have you been?” It was nice to see that I was more than just another face in the crowd. It definitely made me feel at least moderately significant.

Cristina in 2006, opening for Rob Zombie

Cristina in 2006, opening for Rob Zombie

During the summer of 2006, Lacuna Coil was once again a part of the lineup for Ozzfest, but this time they were on the “main stage.” Anthony had arranged an “EmptySpiral Meet” that week and various people that we knew from EmptySpiral that were literally from all over the world came out to hang out for a week or so. I wasn’t able to attend all of those events, but I did make a few appearances. I bought a ticket to see the Ozzfest date in Camden, NJ. A few hours AFTER I got my ticket, I was told by Anthony that Lacuna Coil was giving us all tickets for the show. I was not yet aware of how significant of a ticket it was.

Lacuna Coil did not just give us general admission tickets, they gave us tickets with passes with access to various backstage areas. It was because of this I was able to watch acts like Black Label Society from the stage. It was a very interesting for me to watch a show from behind the band. When Lacuna Coil played, we were all allowed to be right in front of the stage to watch them. It was actually a pretty good experience, as the general admission ticket that I had wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere near those areas. Along with the EmptySpiral crew, we spent basically all day hanging out with the band. It was a very good experience and more significant than I realized it was at the time.

Black Label Society from behind the stage.

Black Label Society from behind the stage.

Performing at Ozzfest 2006

Lacuna Coil at Ozzfest 2006

I can go on and on about other stories and other times meeting the band including a time when I called the female singer of the band the “C word” and when I may have been responsible for making one member of the band ill and forcing him to miss an acoustic appearance. But, this story isn’t about that. This story is about significance. It’s that simple. Due to a simple suggestion from one friend, I didn’t just gain a new band to listen to, which would have been a good thing by itself, but I gained friends, experiences, and memories that cannot be matched. Something that seemed to very insignificant ended up being one of the most significant things that’s ever happened to me and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Someone is missing.

Someone is missing.

Lacuna Coil during the

Lacuna Coil during the “Hottest Chicks in Metal” tour

So please allow me now to take the time to thank Jeremiah for the suggestion. Also I need to thank Anthony, Candace, Teague, Lisa, Erin, Melanie, Michelle, Danica, Cynthia, Luca, Amalia and any other friend I’ve met directly (or indirectly) due to Lacuna Coil. I also have to thank Matt for creating EmptySpiral.net and allowing us to meet on there and for recommending “Spaced” and “Firefly” to me. And of course, a big thanks goes out to Cristina, Andi, Maus, Maki, CriZ, and Pizza. This story would never have happened without them.

Taking a a bow after

Taking a a bow after “Dark Legacy” tour in 2012

As a side note, last year I wrote about the 5K race I ran and the unbelievable pride I felt in completing that race. Lacuna Coil’s song “Daylight Dancer” was the song I was listening to when I crossed the finish line.

Don't ask. You had to be there.

Don’t ask. You had to be there.

Leaving the Dark Side upside down…

Posted by MaskedSanity on

It’s become custom for me to write a blog at the end of the year and to ask the question, “am I better off than I was a year ago?”  Usually I cannot answer that question and I say that in some ways I am better off and in some ways I am not. This year, I’m going to change that up a bit and say, YES I am better off than I was a year ago. I certainly did not accomplish every single thing I set out to accomplish in 2012, but I did accomplish a great deal of them.

In my blog from September 5th I went into detail about the 5k race that I ran with my sister. And that still stands out as one of the proudest accomplishments of my life, let alone 2012. But again, one of the things that I’m most proud from that race was that I set a SPECIFIC goal and I accomplished it. In 2013, I very well may do another race. Who knows, maybe I’ll do more than just one race. We shall see.

As far as my financial situation goes. I still have debt, but here is why I’ll tell you that I AM better off than I was a year ago. I can tell you all now that without any question, I will have ZERO credit card debt within months. In no more than SIX MONTHS from now, it will all be gone. It could be half as long as that. The amount of possibilities that leaves me with is mind-blowing to me. It really is. To have a completely fresh start financially doesn’t seem real to me. But I’ll wait a few months to get into that. I just know it’ll be one of the most significant days of my life, so far.

My social life is no worse off than it was a year ago. In fact, I would say it’s a bit better. I’ve definitely made a few more friends and gotten closer to some people that were only acquaintances before. And both of those things are good things.

While on the subject of “good things,” let me talk about DDP Yoga. It was started by former pro-wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page and at one point his catch phrase was “that’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing.” Having been doing DDP Yoga since May, I can tell you, it’s a GOOD thing. I started off by doing it a few times a week before I started following a specific 13 week plan in the book it came with. And now I’m making my own plan for it. I came up with a plan for December and did not miss a single day of it. I did (at least) one routine every day for the month, and it culminated in me finally getting to the most difficult routine on any of the DDP Yoga discs. Once again, I set a goal and I accomplished it. And this goal, like my race goal, betters me inspires me to do even more.

In last year’s year end blog I talked about obstacles in my way and my desire to move past them. I moved past as many of them as I could. As it turns out, some of them are not movable. But in those cases, I’ve learned to go around them or re-evaluate the situation to the best of my ability. Regardless of whether I got past them or not, I have no regrets to how I handled any of it.

A phrase I’ve tried to eliminate from my life is “I can’t.” I don’t want to use that phrase in reference to any event, challenge, or task. I CAN and WILL rise to the challenge. I understand that I still live in a world of “can’t” and there are some people and things that can’t be fixed. But in those cases, there isn’t anything anyone can do other than let them be as they are and move on to the next thing that CAN be done.

Lacuna Coil’s album, “Dark Adrenaline” was ranked #2 in my Album of the Year Countdown. The song “Upsidedown” is likely my favorite song on the album. The main line of the song is “I’m leaving the dark side upside down, laughing at my disaster.” I can relate to that, which I’m sure is why I liked it so much. I did leave my dark side upside down, and I do laugh at my own disaster. But I also smile about it now, since I’ve risen up from the ashes of what I used to be and the hands that were dealt to me.

Very often, these year end blogs are mostly me talking about the issues I had during the year. There’s two big reasons that I’m going with a different approach to this blog. The first is that I had a fairly incident free year. Unlike the previous few years, I did not suffer any life-changing events. And another big reason that I’m not taking this blog in that direction is that I’m just so focused on 2013 right now. I can’t believe how excited I am about the possibilities of things to come in the new year. And again, it’s not just because one year is over. I liked 2012, it’s just that I’m looking to make 2013 my best year yet. I’m quite determined to meet that goal, and I don’t know any reason why I won’t be able to.

It won’t begin until you make it end.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

It’s good to set goals in life. It’s also good to accomplish them. Over the last few years I’ve set some goals for myself. Some of them sound good, but are generic and almost vague. An example of that would be my New Year’s resolution for 2012, which was “to make it better.” Now, as vague and all encompassing as it is, it’s also a good resolution and goal. The year is half over and I can say without question that, so far, I’ve done that.

I’ve had a gym membership for a little over 6 years and I’ve regularly gone there. I’m not one of the guys that has the membership and barely goes. During my period of unemployment last year I was at the gym almost every day. My first goal at the gym (6 years ago) was to drop the excess weight I had added in the summer of 2006. I did that. From there, I didn’t really have a goal other than to build some muscle.

Earlier this year I realized my workouts had become way too routine and somewhat stale. I asked a few people for advice and for some new goals. From one of those conversations came a challenge. My sister, who has run 5 marathons (as of this writing), challenged me to a 5k race. I accepted the challenge and immediately started working on running that distance on treadmills at my gym.

I had been doing regular cardio activities at the gym, but they lacked focus. Now I had something specific to strive for. Over the course of a few weeks I had decreased my 5k treadmill time from 32 minutes to 26.5 minutes. At this point, I was sure I could do a real race. Unfortunately, my sister and I couldn’t find a time to do one that fit with both of our schedules and I stopped practicing.

I’m a fan of professional wrestling and I follow many wrestlers on Twitter and other social networks. Diamond Dallas Page is one of the wrestlers I follow. I’ve been a fan of his for many years, and I used to talk to him a little bit in the mid-1990s on AOL. He developed his own Yoga program, called DDP Yoga. I had heard a lot about it from DDP himself, various wrestlers, and other people as well. I decided to give it a shot. Upon trying it, I IMMEDIATELY became a big time fan of the program and I recommend it to anyone that wants to do “own their lives” as DDP says.

How does DDP Yoga fit into my 5k story? Well, just keep reading.

My sister and I attended a Yankees game in June. At the game, I mentioned to her that there would be a 5k race in my hometown on September 1st. She said “let’s do it” and we both signed up. At this point I was already working on my first 13 week DDP Yoga program.  When August came around I started getting serious about my 5k training at the gym. I never got my time as low as I had before, but I had much better paces that I had before.

Due to my good performances on the treadmill, I was sure I could do the real race easily. Then I did the actual path of the 5k in a practice. That was a really big time rude awakening for me. My legs did NOT like running out on pavement. Not to mention that my lungs didn’t like it either, especially since it seemed that everyone had mowed their lawns the day I tried it the first time. I ended up walking A LOT of the path and I finished it in somewhere around 37 minutes. At this point I continued to practice the distance and timing on treadmills and did a few more outdoor runs. The outdoor runs were never really good. I began to question my ability to do the race in any respectable time. Now don’t get me wrong, I would have felt a sense of accomplishment as soon as I crossed the finish line, regardless of the time, but I didn’t want to JUST finish it.

I’ve often been accused of planning things out too much. Well, I didn’t plan anything for the timing of the race and the DDP Yoga schedule, but the final workout on my 13 week plan just happened to be the day of my race. It worked out well for me. Throughout the time that I had been getting ready for the race I would post updates on my Twitter account and use the hashtag #intraining. The day of the race I used #culmination. Because that’s exactly what it was. The 5k race meant a lot more to me than just a race. I had put A LOT of time and effort into this and now it was time to do it.

At about 9:10 am on September 1st, the gun was shot and we were off. My goal was to finish the race in 30 minutes or under. I thought that was doable with my sister helping me. My sister was by my side the entire time and she didn’t want us to walk any of the path. I did my best to do not have to walk any of it, and I didn’t slow my run down to a walk until a little more than half way through the race, which I can tell you is SIGNIFICANTLY better than I had done on any of my practices. I didn’t walk for very long, and I went right back to the running. I think I slowed down maybe 2 more times before we made that final push to the finish line.

The race ended on the track at the high school. When we came around the curve and I saw the time on the clock, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and I picked up the pace a little bit. My sister and I crossed the finish line together with a time of (unofficially) 29 minutes and 45 seconds. I did it! I finished the race and I met every goal I had for the event.

Throughout my life I had often felt I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t very good as the sports I had played. My grades weren’t great. Very often I lacked the drive to get something done well. On September 1, 2012 at about 9:39am, I erased my doubts. I had set a specific goal and I accomplished it. The feeling of pride I have over that one event will never go away.

Will I run more races in the future? It’s likely, but my schedule doesn’t allow it at the moment. I don’t want that to sound like an excuse, because doing so would almost completely negate the previous paragraph. I’m just stating that my current schedule isn’t compatible with many scheduled races that I’ve seen listed. That doesn’t mean I won’t take steps to allow my schedule to change. I can say for certain that my determination has never been stronger. It’s a very good feeling. By accomplishing something as specific as crossing that finish line in under 30 minutes, I’ve become more sure of myself. Instead of just having the “been there, done that” attitude that I very well could have from it, I have the “I can do it” attitude that I’ve been developing for a while, but didn’t really have. I had a specific goal, and I did it. It’s a good feeling.

And before I end this entry I have to thank everyone that supported me on this. That includes all the people that texted me encouragement, all the people that replied to my tweets, and even the people at my job that worked with me and allowed me to have the time off. An extra special thanks goes out to Diamond Dallas Page for his program that gave me the extra strength and confidence in my ability, and of course to my sister. I know I’ve said a few times that *I* did it and *I* accomplished my racing goal and I did, but I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks again.

The finish, or is it just the beginning?

 

To Be Determined

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I’m sure I’ve stated this somewhere before, but my birthday is July 3rd. It’s basically at the very middle of the calendar year. As a result of that, it’s very easy for me to see my year as two distinct halves and I always get a little reflective at the end of each half.

With 2012 half way over and me about to celebrate my 36th birthday I could easily say that I’m not where I want to be in life. That statement may even be true. However, I’m not looking at it from that point of view. I’m looking at it from more of a “where am I going” point of view. And where I’m going is forward.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2012 simply “to make it better.” The year is now half way over. Have I made things better? I think I have. I still have a financial burden that I’m dealing with, but it’s less of a burden than it was 6 months ago. I still have some other burdens as well, but we all do. It’s just how we deal with them that matter.

Part of constantly going forward means confronting issues. I cannot and will not avoid, ignore, or run from problems. Problems need to be addressed and (if possible) solved. Unfortunately, sometimes those problems are due to other people and their refusal to acknowledge that a problem exists. There isn’t much I can do about those situations. I cannot change or help those that don’t want to change or be helped. Those people are the ones that avoid, ignore, or run from problems. I used to do that. It’s very easy to do that, but it got me nowhere. And nowhere is a place I don’t want to be again.

I never really had a sense of pride in myself until recently. I don’t think I was ashamed of myself, but I wasn’t proud. I guess that’s a result of always being made to feel that I wasn’t good enough. But, that was then. Now I can say without fear of sounding like I’m bragging, that I am truly proud of what I’ve become. And if it’s possible, I’m proud of what I will be.

I would not completely truthful if I said that the change of mentality that I’ve gone through was totally on my own. I did it with the help of good friends that understand and get me. It’s sad that up until I hit emotional rock bottom that I didn’t understand them (or me). But, like a phoenix, I’ve risen from those ashes and I understand people and friendship now. I’ve even been told by a few friends how much they like “the new me.” It really does my heart good to hear that. It means that I’ve done well and it’s noticeable. I don’t know if I can thank those friends enough for everything.

As for what I said about not doing all of it on my own, while I couldn’t do it without the help of friends (and professional help) I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I didn’t recognize that I had to. And that is the difference between addressing issues and avoiding, ignoring, and running from issues. Change does not have to be a bad thing. I know it can be a frightening, but change is necessary for progress. It’s basic evolution. Change or die.

Much like my last blog, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance,” I was looking through some song lyrics for the title of this entry, but didn’t find anything that fit my mood. When starting the draft, I put “tbd” in the title spot. But once again, I think I stumbled upon the name. Because this journey I’m on did not truly begin on January 1, 2012. It began on July 3, 1976. This journey’s end date is “To Be Determined” and I AM determined to continue my pursuit of balance and I AM determined to make sure that whenever it does end, I’m proud of what I’ve left behind. I think I’m going in a good direction. Will my good direction continue? I think that can only truly be determined by me.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I used to blog somewhat regularly on MySpace. For various reasons, including a lack of people going to that site anymore, I stopped doing that. Twitter is also a factor in my lack of blogging. Instead of writing down a random thought and using it in a blog, I would instantly put that thought on Twitter. And trust me, I did think about using a compilation of tweets as a blog, or even a book, like Denis Leary did. But then again, I’m not famous enough to get away with that.

I was going to use lyrics for the name of this entry, like I normally did, but after jotting down a few ideas, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance” came to me and I realized that it was perfect for this. And I’m sure that those three items will be recurring themes in my blogs. Especially, my pursuit of balance.

So much about me has changed over the last few years. I’m not going to rehash the details of that. But, if you’re a new reader of my words, or just want a refresher, feel free to check out older blog entries at MySpace.

I’ve had so much time to think about life. Where I was, where I am, and where I could be. I know they’re all connected. Where I was got me to where I am, and where I am will get to me to where I’m going. I just process all of that data differently now. It’s really all about perspective and balance.

The “balance” theme came to me a few months ago when I had a conversation with a friend and I attempted to compliment her by telling her how balanced I thought her life was. At first she laughed at me and thought I was nuts, but a few days later she told me that she saw what I was talking about and realized it was indeed a compliment. Something in those conversations really clicked in my brain and that’s when I realized that I need to find a balance as well.

“Balance” can be difficult to attain, but it’s doable. It’s all about finding the way to get it. For me, it means lots of things, even as simple as trying not to spend more money than I make. That was an issue with me for many years, and I’m paying for it now (literally and figuratively). It’s also about managing time and energy. “Balance” can almost encompass all you do, if you can get there.

Getting back to the financial thing for a moment. Not too long ago I started my path to financial recovery. And let me state that my own personal financial ruin are not a result of America’s financial perils, and I’ll touch on that fact later. I just spent A LOT more than I had. But, after enlisting in a program to help me deal with my debt I can say this: I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I am in the tunnel. One of the simple things I recently started doing, after a few years of neglect, is balancing my check book. Yup, balancing my check book. Almost to the point of obsession, but it’s needed at the moment.

So, about what I said about my financial issues compared to America’s. I recently attended a wedding and gave a monetary gift to the bride and groom. Unfortunately, I had to tell the newlyweds to NOT cash my check until a specific day, since I knew I wouldn’t be able to cover it until then. Someone overheard me say that and said “that’s Obama’s America for you!” Just take a minute to think about that. Are you done? It was the opinion of this person that MY lack of funds is directly related to our nation’s lack of financial recovery from the collapse that happened during the previous Presidential administration. I could have debated his “point” but I know that would have been incredibly futile. However, there is one definite correlation between my money problems and the country’s. And that is during a relatively short time period, we both spent more than we had and now we have to pay for it. I’ll touch on the ignorant point of view that I mentioned in a later post.

I’m sure I’ll return to many of the other themes as well. I feel like I’ve come so very far from where I used to be and I refuse to return. There is no future in the past, there are only memories. Yes, those memories can help shape and guide your future, but that’s all they should do. And I’m learning that now.

In addition to the few topics I already said I will revisit, I also expect to discuss topics such as:
– Potential difficulty in choosing a 2012 Album of the Year.
– Why I am not running for President in 2012
– My opinions of WWE programming.
– How access to water may impact politics and the mental capacity of voters.

I’m sure I’ll have more random thoughts to put up here as well. It’s good to once again have a viable forum to unpack the baggage. And I certainly have some to unpack as I pursue life, liberty, and balance.