Category Archives: Mental Health

Decay of Fortune and Might

Posted by MaskedSanity on

There is nothing that has been a more consistent element in my depression and anxiety in my life more than financial worries. A lack of financial success has contributed to my stress, my lack of a social life, and in some ways my lack of what could be considered progress in life.

In Spring of 1999 I applied for and was given my first credit card. It had a $200 spending limit. I would use it when I needed to and I always paid it off. Then I got another card with a bigger limit. Then I got another one and another and another and another. It kept going. I kept using the credit I had available to me. I had a MasterCard, Discover Card, American Express, more than one Visa, and a few store specific cards. By January, 2010 my credit card debt was close to $40,000.

I had to do something about my debt. I had looked into bankruptcy as an option. I had looked into debt settlement agencies, only to read about how it could actually negatively impact my credit rating. However, I didn’t really need to worry about the settlement issues because it’s not legal in my state. But that didn’t stop the person on the other end of the phone from suggesting I set up an address in another state. Sounds like a reasonable organization, right? But, I’m getting off track…

I did get in touch with a debt counselling service based on someone’s recommendation. They told me what they could do for me and what the conditions were. It was pretty clear. They negotiated with all of my credit card companies and got my interest rates lowered to reasonable amounts. All of my accounts were closed or suspended. I had to pay off whatever I owed, there was no forgiveness. And by no means was I permitted to use a credit card during while I still owed anything. I accepted the terms and got on my path to financial freedom.

Less than one year later I lost my job. I was able to collect unemployment, but my income was not what it used to be. I decided to make a drastic move and I cashed out my 401k. I put all of it towards my debt and made a significant impact on it. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. My 401k was for my future, and you’re right. But with that debt hanging over me, I had no future. I needed it gone. The 401k did not finish the job, but it made it manageable again. I was able to lower my monthly payments and get by with what I was collecting.

Over the course of the next year or so I sold some stocks that I had invested in and put them towards my debt as well, and also I did end up with another job. It paid me less than my previous one, but it was a job. I filed my taxes in early February, 2013 and saw the amount that I was going to be refunded. It was more than I owed. The day that money was in my account, I called the debt agency and let them know I wanted to make an extra payment. When I was asked how much the payment would be, I replied “every last cent I owe.” That was the best phone call I had ever made. They let me know that I would not see the results IMMEDIATELY, but within a few weeks everything would be settled. I checked my account on their website daily. Sometimes I looked at it multiple times in a day.

On the morning of March 12, 2013 I was at my gym. In between sets I used my phone to look up my account. It said “DEBT FREE.” I sat there for a few seconds before it sunk it, and I wept. The burden was gone. I could finally say that I owed NOTHING. I went back to my house and took a picture of ALL of my credit cards, since I had saved them. I then shredded ALL OF THEM and took a picture of them afterwards. I posted those pictures online, because well…
isn’t that how we all announce good news?

It’s now been two years to the day since I’ve been debt free. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I don’t have much money to my name at all. I live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck. I have a new job that actually pays me less than I’ve been paid since I started with the credit cards to being with. Very often I am completely struggling to get by. I’ve learned the importance of coupons and rewards cards.

But here’s the big difference in my financial burden now and my burden from a few years ago. If I can’t afford something, I don’t do it. That’s a good thing. The bad thing is how much I’ve feel I’ve missed out on due not being able to afford it. However, the flip side to that is how much more I appreciate anything and everything that I am capable of doing.

Of course, while I do have the appreciation, I still have the sometimes overwhelming feeling of hopelessness since I’ve not been able to get ahead at all. Don’t think I’m not putting forth an effort. It’s just not easy.

I recently read an excellent book called “Hand to Mouth: Living in Bootstrap America” by Linda Tirado. Yes, that’s where I got the “hand to mouth” line that I used. The book about her struggles with fiances, depression (due to finances and not due to finances), stigma of being poor and depressed, and just coping with all of it really got to me. It showed me that I AM NOT ALONE. That’s something I’ve tried to convey to people struggling with life’s issues. They’re not alone and sometimes I need to be reminded of that myself.. And reading about her problems gave me some comfort. Not that I am glad she struggled, or that anyone is going through similar issues, but I still got comfort knowing that there’s others like me.

I seriously recommend that book to anyone with financial struggles. And I also recommend that people read the original article that got her noticed, which I will link to HERE.

In summary, I spent most of my 20s building my debt and burying myself under it. I spent most of my 30s paying it off and climbing out of the hole. But here I am, two years removed from credit card debt and still way under the poverty line and still very close to being completely broke. If I want to look at the bright side of it, I’ve never been in a better financial position in life. I can also say that there’s never been a better time for me to be broke, because I have no debt. But looking at the bright side can only get me so far. Looking at my bank statements brings me back down to reality in a flash.

But like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m still fighting. Because like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I can’t give up. Because like every other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m determined to come out better.

Under a Veil of Stars Where the Darkness Grows

Posted by MaskedSanity on

A coworker recently asked me how I can be depressed. I was told that I’m a good looking guy that’s funny and I seem to enjoy what I’m doing. Well, that’s just the thing, isn’t it? What’s on the surface may not be what’s inside. A lot of people with depression issues hide them. Sometimes they hide them intentionally, sometimes it’s just a need, and sometimes it’s due to feelings of shame, which I’ve discussed before.

I’ve also realized that I’ve been guilty of thinking that way at times. Even with my depression and my awareness of it, I still fall into that trap. A few months back when a friend sent me a text about some of her issues, my first thought was “but she’s so pretty and so much fun, how can she be depressed?” I was actually pretty annoyed with myself for that, but it’s how we’ve been conditioned to think about it. Not everyone with depression is the dark, brooding, pale skinned, gothic looking person that is the stereotypical model of depression. Did Robin Williams seem like that to you?

This past November, Wayne Brady spoke about his battles with depression. Again, on the surface (and on television) he comes off a funny, happy, full of life person, but inside he’s suffering. He stated:

“Having a bad day is one thing, having a bad week is another, having a bad life … You don’t want to move, you can’t move in the darkness. You’re like, ‘I am just going to sit right here and I want to wallow in this. As much as it hurts, I am going to sit right here because this is what I deserve. This is what I deserve, so I am going to sit here because I am that horrible of a person.’”

He said he DESERVES to suffer. How can anyone believe that about themselves? Wayne Brady is a television star. He has money and fame, yet he feels he deserves to suffer. He feels that he’s a horrible person. How can that be? How does that make sense? It makes perfect sense to me, because I feel the same way at times. I feel that I NEED to suffer. I feel that I AM SUPPOSED to suffer.

You would not know any of this about Wayne Brady if you watched him hosting Let’s Make a Deal or appearing on Whose Line is it Anyway? He always appears full of life and he’s so much fun, right? The friend that texted me appeared that way to me too. Apparently, I appear that way to some coworkers. Robin Williams appeared that way on stage. But we all share a pain that really can’t be understood by someone that doesn’t go through it as well. I can tell you that I feel empty inside. And maybe you can relate to a time when you lost something you felt strongly about. Maybe you can relate to the time you didn’t win a game. That feeling wasn’t good. I feel that way MOST of the time, except worse.

It’s because of my awareness that not only do I try not to be judgmental about people’s issues, but I know I can’t be. The last thing that someone that is suffering and feels they need to be suffering wants to hear is someone being critical or dismissive of their problems. That is why I’ve been known to reach out to friends if I see something they’ve posted online that seems like something that may be going through. That is why I am so quick to offer help to them and let them know that I’m always willing to listen to them if they need to talk. I also know it’s very possible they may never take me up on that offer, because I know how difficult it can be to talk about these things at times, especially if you’re trying to keep up the appearance of someone that has it together. But regardless, I want them to know that SOMEBODY cares. Sometimes when I reach out I’ll simply let them know they’re not alone. Sometimes I’ll try to find an appropriate joke to go with the situation. But more than anything, I try to be as understanding as possible. That may mean that I don’t say anything, I just listen, and by doing that I’m being more helpful that a lot of other people would be.

At Life’s Four-Way Stop

Posted by MaskedSanity on

It’s that time again, it’s the end of the year. It’s time for me to ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Two years ago I said yes, last year I wasn’t sure. This year I don’t think I am. I have way too many questions, not enough answers, and (what I see as) a lack of any real forward movement in my life.

With that said, there is one area of my life where I think I made drastic improvement, and that is being able to identify and deal with my depression and anxieties. However, I believe it’s mostly because I have fallen into a pretty bad depression and I have more anxieties. So, basically there’s more to work with there.

Overall, 2014 was a challenging year for me. I started off the year unemployed and not knowing if I was going to be collecting unemployment. A blizzard in early January made the wait to find out even longer as the Unemployment offices were shut down due to a state of emergency. To make a long story short, I did end up collecting, but I also was employed by the end of January. There’s good news and bad news about my employment. The good news is that I actually do like my job. The bad news is that my salary is the lowest it’s been since the late 1990s. It’s a weird trade off for me, but it’s one I was willing to do in 2014.

My low salary has not helped my stress levels though. While I remained debt free in 2014 and have not used a credit card in almost five years, I am just getting by. I sometimes joked that I work just to be able to afford enough gas in my car to get me to the supermarket to buy whatever food I can afford, with as many coupons as possible. I don’t dislike eating Ramen noodles, but I also know it’s not exactly healthy, but it’s sometimes all I can afford.

I don’t know if I can say that my social life is better off than it was. While I KNOW that I have more legitimate friends than I’ve had before, I’ve also never felt lonelier than I do now. This is a subject I’ll probably get into in more detail in a future post, but my inability to connect, or reconnect, with certain people has taken its toll on me. I can most assuredly tell you that if I were to leave my house more often or hang out with people more often, it would not necessarily help me. My social anxieties have also become heightened. I’ve gone from being slightly uncomfortable in social settings to almost outright dreading them.

My depression levels have risen to such heights…
wait, is that possible?
My depression levels have sunk to such depths that my motivation to do almost anything is not there. I barely leave my house on weekends. On some recent weekends, I’ve barely left my bed. I will sit in my room watching clips of things on YouTube because I don’t have the attention span for anything beyond 4 minutes.

I wanted to read one book per month in 2014. I ended up reading ONE book. However, does it really count since I started it in late 2013?

One aspect of 2014 that I am truly proud of is my running in five 5k races. All five of them were better times than the races I had run in previous years. I went into detail about my feelings on these races in a previous entry. I will likely run more races in 2015, but as of now, I don’t know when.

I did have some specific fitness goals for 2014. One of which was met ever so briefly. My default weight seems to be about 205 – 210 pounds. It seems that getting under that range is not too easy for me. Surpassing that range is a lot less difficult than it used to be. But, I wanted to be under 200 in 2014. I started the year at 204. There was a point in 2014 where I dropped to around 195 pounds. I would have liked to have been proud of that accomplishment, but it was immediately after something upset me and eating and/or holding food in was slightly difficult. I felt my depression robbed me of being proud of my accomplishment. And I’m back up to around 210 pounds.

The other specific fitness goal I had for 2014 was to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. Well, I’m still not even close. However, I did not try often. I only did the routines that it’s featured in a few times. I’ve more or less planned out my entire year of DDP Yoga workouts, so let’s see if I can get it done this time.

One other thing that happened to me in 2014 is something that I see as a mix of good and bad. I wrote some particularly deep blog entries and judging by some of the responses I received from people, I may actually be helping people with their issues. When I received text messages from some friends after one of my entries and those messages included them telling me how much they mean to me and/or telling me of their own battles with depression, I felt good. Not good that they’re suffering, but that my little blog here actually gives them support and comfort. Yes, I know this is a good thing that I’m writing about. A problem that I have with it is that regardless of the compliments, support, and friendships, I still feel lonely and insignificant. I wish that was different.

I have used the exact same New Year’s Resolution for the last few years, and it’s simply “to make it better” in the new year. Going into 2015, I’m not even sure what “it” is, but I know I want things to be better for me. I really NEED things to be better for me. I don’t want moments of hope to turn into months of despair. I don’t want brief glimpses of happiness to be washed away by harsh realities. I want my moments of hope to turn into real sustained happiness. Of course, I don’t know how possible any of it is. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t keep going…
Even if I don’t know where that destination is.

I Trust the Speed Until I Have No Need to Run Anymore

Posted by MaskedSanity on

As I was training for one of the 5k races I ran over the last few months, someone asked me if I loved running. I paused for a moment and said “Not really, but I do love crossing the finish line.” It was at that moment when I realized how much crossing the finish line really does mean to me. Yes, I’ve written about the races I ran in 2012 and 2013 and the feeling of accomplishment I had when I finished those races, but this year it was different. I didn’t just do one race this year, I did five. I set personal records in 3 out of the 5. But I still don’t think that alone was what it was all about for me this year.

My depression has consumed me for much of this year. I’ve become much more aware of it than I used to be. I’ve realized just how much of my daily life is dictated by my mood. I’ve realized that it’s a vicious cycle that I haven’t been able to break. How does running 3.1 miles have anything to do with that? It’s actually simple when you think about it. When ever I cross that finish line, I’ve accomplished something that cannot be taken away from me. And the feeling of victory I have when I cross that line is not something I’ve often experienced.

In 2012 I ran my first 5k and completed it in 29 minutes and 45 seconds. I was VERY proud of that accomplishment and what that entire day meant to me. In 2013 I ran the same race in 32 minutes and 12 seconds. I didn’t do as well, but I still finished and still felt accomplished. My racing was limited to just that one race in each year due to the work schedule I had at the time. My schedule wasn’t the same this year, so I was able to do more races and I ran five of them this year.

The first one I did was the same race I had done in 2012 and 2013, it was my town’s annual 5k race. I did not slow down to walk until a bit after the first mile, which I crossed at about 8 minutes and 40 seconds. I knew I was on a good pace, but a little past that first mile I started getting a pain in my right side, so I had to slow down a little bit. I kept going and changed it up from a run to a walk when needed. This race ends at the racetrack at the town’s high school. When I turned the corner of the track and saw that I was just over 29 minutes, I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 24.5 seconds. I had beaten my best time by 20 seconds. My only real goal for that race was to be under 30 minutes again, since I didn’t feel too confident going into it. My goal was met.

The next race I did was a few weeks later. The path for this race was not too hilly, but had a lot of incline in it. The incline worried me and I felt that crossing the finish line at about 30 minutes and 15 seconds would be good for me. But, I also knew that as long as I finished the race, I should feel proud. Despite the having slight difficulty breaking out of the pack at the beginning of the race due to so many young kids grouped up in front of me, my first mile was 8 minutes and 20 seconds. I didn’t expect that. And once again, shortly after that first mile, the slight pain in my side started and I had to slow it down a bit. When I made that final left turn and saw the finish line, I saw that the clock had JUST crossed 29 minutes, so again I gave it all I had left and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 14.4 seconds. One minute better than my goal and 10.1 seconds better than my previous best time! I was quite satisfied with myself.

My third race of the year was a bit more challenging for me. It was raining a lot during the race and I had never run in conditions like that before. Due to the weather, I didn’t put any pressure on myself to set a personal record, I just wanted a time that I felt was respectable. When I got the one mile marker at just 8 minutes I started to reconsider that personal record thing. I knew it was now attainable. Somewhere around the 2 miles point there was a stretch of a block or two that was unpaved and the ground was ripped up. I did not feel comfortable running in that, so I walked that portion. That worked out somewhat in my favor because my glasses were completely fogged up and my side was hurting. Once I wiped off my glasses and got past that area, I picked up the pace. A minute or so later, I noticed my left shoelace had come untied. I stepped onto a sidewalk and fixed that and then ran a bit. Once the finish line came into view, I saw that it was again just past 29 minutes. I had a chance to set a personal record again, but I crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 18.4 seconds. I missed my record by FOUR seconds. Yeah, it bothered me a little bit since I got my confidence up early in the race, but I was still incredibly proud of my accomplishment given the conditions I was not used to.

The 2nd, 4th, and 5th races that I ran this year were part of a series of a “Triple Crown” that three towns sponsored. And before the 4th race, I saw various posts online that said because it was a “fast and flat” race that many people set personal records on it. Well, this time I actually set forth to do so. I had 3 goals for the race. The first was to be under 29 minutes, the second was to at least set a new record, and the third was just to finish. My feelings of accomplishment would be good if I did any of those. Much like my 2nd race of the year, I had a hard time getting out of the pack at the beginning. This time, not only did I have a lot of children in my way, but I had dogs as well. Yes, there were dogs in this race. I got to the 1st mile marked at about 8 minutes and 45 seconds, so I didn’t think I was on pace for a personal record, but I still had some energy so I kept running for a little bit longer than I normally do past that mile. I noticed that I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes, so I had picked up some time. I also felt the last 1.1 miles were good for me. And this time, I made a right turn to the finish line and again, it had just crossed over to 29 minutes, so I put every last bit of energy I had into it and crossed the finish line at 29 minutes and 12.9 seconds. I didn’t finish in under 29 minutes, but I did set a new personal record. Again, I was quite happy with myself.

The third portion of the Triple Crown and the final race that I intended to run in 2014 was on a very chilly morning. It was only about 35 degrees out and I was concerned about my lungs and their ability to handle the cold air. I was appropriately dressed for the race, but it was still a concern for me. My three goals for the last race were in effect here too. My first mile issue of not being able to break away happened again and I crossed the first mile at 9 minutes. I figured that a sub-29 minute race was now impossible, but a personal record was not. When I crossed the 2nd mile marker at about 19 minutes and 30 seconds, I started to again think about that 29 minute thing, especially since I knew I had already gotten past the one big incline this path had. However, the last 1.1 miles was rough for me. I wasn’t able to keep up the pace and ended up crossing the finish line at 29 minutes and 40.4 seconds. It was my slowest finish of the year, but I was not in the least bit upset.

Out of 61 males to complete all 3 portions of the Triple Crown, I finished in 47th place. I am very proud of that. The people that won those races finished them in times that I can’t begin to comprehend. But I’m sure they’ve been doing this a lot a longer than I have. And I’m also not ever concerned about “winning” a race. To me, crossing the finish line IS winning.

I finished five races this year, all under 30 minutes. In 3 of the 5 I set personal records. My consistency is pretty damn good. There’s only 28 seconds separating my fastest and slowest finishes. And each and every time I crossed that finish line, regardless of the time, I had accomplished something. I finished something. And each and every time, it meant something.

I am generally lethargic, unmotivated, and not disciplined enough to get things done. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as “just doing it” for me. But, these races have shown me that it is possible to accomplish something. I do put forth time and effort into training for them, but very often I feel that I won’t be able to do get it done. It’s my nature to doubt myself. It’s also my nurturing to doubt myself. But, maybe I can use these races as a catalyst to better things for me. Because on five separate occasions this year I was able to start something and just under 30 minutes later, I was able to finish it. And while the high I feel from crossing those finish lines does eventually go away, the accomplishments live forever, and that’s something that not even my depression can take away from me.

Isolated Myself for the Sake of Freedom

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I am not alone. I understand that. I know that many people go through issues that are similar to mine. I know that many people suffer with various degrees of depression and anxiety. I know that many people deal with the feelings I deal with. And while I may feel like I’m a part of something and I know I’m not alone, I’ve also never felt so much apart from anything and I’ve never been lonelier.

How does that make any sense? It makes perfect sense to me, even if I can’t make sense of it. Does that make sense to you?

You may see me in a social setting. It may be a large gathering. At that large gathering, you may even have a conversation with me. But how long does that conversation last? It’s very likely that I’ll just leave and stand by someone else for a few minutes. This cycle will repeat until I eventually leave the situation completely. No, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I’m not trying to pay attention to you. It just means that I’m not comfortable in social situations but I am making an effort to fit in.

I have a difficult time bonding with people. I’ve discussed that before. I’ve noticed that the people I’ve most recently gotten somewhat close to are people with similar social issues. I almost want to laugh about it. How we can bond at all is confusing to me. But then again, the concept of bonding and connecting to people confuses me in general.

Very early in life I was taught (or taught myself) that it’s better to by myself than be with people or situations that weren’t good for me. This particular philosophy was reinforced to me by people that didn’t do much in the way of socializing with anyone and often created rifts in the few relationships they did have. But, was it really a bad concept? Who wants to constantly be unhappy?

So, how does my lack of ability to bond with people and my separation tendencies tie together? I think fear is a major factor there. I am not good at connecting to people, and I’m confused and scared when I do. I am afraid to start a conversation with you, so I won’t. I have been shunned and rejected enough in life that it’s made me afraid to be shunned and rejected again, therefore it’s likely I won’t even put myself in the position to have it happen. It’s also likely that if you do get close me, it may cause me to panic, and I may try to escape the situation.

At the beginning of this entry I stated that I’ve never felt lonelier than I do now. Yet, I’ve been explaining how I don’t/won’t make an effort to contact or meet people and that I’ll run away from people. So again, I ask, does that make any sense to you? Because, it makes perfect sense to me. It’s my “normal.”

These behaviors and traits I’ve described and deal with are common with certain depressive conditions. I’ve been diagnosed with one where it’s very prevalent. I am not using that as a reason to justify or defend my (lack of) actions. There is nothing to do justify or defend, although I have been known to apologize if I realize that I’ve run away from people I actually do like. As always, I’m writing this to offer some understanding for me and for you.

I don’t know if I like being by myself. I’m just very accustomed to it. I’m physically by myself a lot, and emotionally by myself even more. I am distant. I am sheltered. I am isolated. None of this means I don’t want to hang out with you. None of this means I won’t hang out with you. Sometimes it just means I NEED to be by myself. I hope someday that need will be smaller, but until it is, I’ll be here. And it’s very likely that I’ll be here by myself, even if you’re with me.

It’s Not Your Fault.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

On April 4, 1994 Kurt Cobain killed himself. I was almost 18 years old. I knew he was depressed because I was told he was. I shed a few tears that day, but mostly only because he was a musician I liked and he was dead. But seriously? He had it all, didn’t he? Money, fame? What else did he need?

On August 11, 2014 Robin Williams killed himself. That was just yesterday and I’m now 38 years old and I’ve shed many tears over a man who I’ve never met. Why? Is it because he was an Academy Award winning actor and comedian that I liked and he’s dead? No, it’s because depression claimed another one, and I this time, I understand it.

This morning at my job, a co-worker said “Robin Williams had it all and he went and killed himself. I don’t get it.” I simply replied with “No, you don’t.” I also knew there was no use in explaining it, and in fact his lack of understanding and lack of sympathy at that moment angered me too much to get into a conversation about it.

I have seen an incredible outpouring of emotion and sentiment on various social networks over the past day and it does my heart good. I’m glad attention is being given to mental illness and to the horrors of depression. I sincerely hope that something good comes of the death of Robin Williams.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams did seem to “have it all.” They had money, they had fame, they had great careers, and they had families. But, what some people don’t understand is that none of that mattered. They brought happiness to this world and to us, but they couldn’t bring it to themselves. THAT is what matters.

I’m using these two celebrities as examples because I see the contrast in my own outlook towards it. In 1994 I believed one could just “snap out of it” and be happy. Yet, I was the one in the high school Speech and Communication class just two years earlier that was not making eye contact, not raising my head, and not speaking at an audible level during a few presentations. I was the one sitting in the corner during a cooking class because I “didn’t feel like doing anything.” Looking at that those specific things now, I realize that I was depressed then and I didn’t acknowledge it.

I DO acknowledge it now. I talk about it as much as I can. I write about it when I feel the need to. And as I’m sure I’ve said before, I don’t just do this for me. I do it for anyone else that feels depressed. I know I’m not alone in this. Yes, I am quite often very lonely, but I know I’m not alone. I want YOU to know that as well. You are not alone either.

Robin Williams lived for 63 years. He was always one of my favorite comedians. And when he did a dramatic role, he was amazing. As I stated earlier, he won an Academy Award. It was for his role in Good Will Hunting, which is absolutely one of my favorite movies. He played a psychologist and in an incredibly powerful scene, he finally breaks through to Will and tells him again and again “It’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t the fault of Robin Williams that he was depressed. His depression was the result of various factors. My depression is the result of various factors. Kurt Cobain’s depression was the result of various factors. But it wasn’t their fault, and it’s not my fault. We are the result.

I’ve had many differing emotions on the topic of suicide. Very often I’ve considered the person that takes his/her own life to be selfish. How dare they leave us? How could they do this to their family, friends, fans, loved ones? And, then Robin Williams, a man who “had it all” killed himself at age 63. And all I thought was that depression claimed another one. And while my heart does go out to his family, friends, fans, and loved ones, this time I understand why it happened.

Throughout my most depressed times, I have never wanted to die. But, there’s been times I didn’t want to go on. I’ve never wanted to not be alive, but I’ve certainly wanted my pain to be over. Robin Williams also wanted his pain to be over, and now it is.

I know I’m bouncing around a bit during this entry and I’m repeating things, but this entry is going to be more from the heart that other entries I’ve done. I’m not going to go back and edit, remove, or redo paragraphs like I sometimes do. This one is going to be as it is. Because it needs to be. Because this time, a celebrity death hit me incredibly hard. Because this time it’s bigger than just the death of a celebrity. It’s about something a lot bigger than that. It’s about something that needs to be addressed. Because this time, I GET IT and it’s about time other people do as well.

Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams brought joy to so many people, but they never felt it themselves. I repeat, they had fame, money, and success, and none of that mattered.

If only either of them realized it wasn’t their fault.

robinwilliams

The Curse of “There Must Be More.”

Posted by MaskedSanity on

This entry is being published on July 1, 2014. That means there are only 733 days left until my 40th birthday. That impending milestone has me reflecting on things a little bit more than I usually do right before a birthday. Not only am I looking at where I’ve been and where I am, but I’m most definitely looking at where I’m going.

I’ve written a lot about how I’ve been programmed and how things from my past have had a definite negative impact on my life so far. But, the last two words of the previous sentence need to be important, “so far.” I need the “so far” to be more of an “up until now” instead of “so far.”

There’s always been somebody or some thing holding me back. To some degree, that somebody was me, but if I was strong enough to break free from various negative influences, I may not have any of this to write about. If I didn’t have the issues that I wrote about in my last entry, maybe I would be strong enough. However, there’s not much I can do to change what has happened. I can only change the direction that my life goes from this point on.

I probably should have accomplished a lot more by now. I probably should have been a lot more independent than I have been. There’s a lot of factors that went into why I’m not. Again, in some cases it comes down to how I was programmed by certain influences in my life. And while those influences may not be around any more, I haven’t truly been able to break free. And that leads to me feeling like I haven’t truly hit my stride in “adulthood” yet.

In my younger days I was often told that I was incredibly selfish. If I was selfish in any capacity, it was due to my belief that the only person that was truly looking out for my best interest was actually me. In recent years, I’ve been told that I spend too much time worrying about other people and not enough about myself. So once again, I need to find a balance somewhere in life.

Over the last few years, I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to improve myself. I KNOW I’m better off than I was in various aspects, but the aspects I haven’t been able to improve cause me so much stress. But I also know I shouldn’t be upset about things I can’t control, and unfortunately a lot of what has stressed me out are things (or people) that I can’t control. Does that mean I should stop trying? I don’t know. I know I have put forth my best efforts there, it’s just that the results haven’t matched the efforts.

I seriously do wish I was better off than I am. I wish a lot of things had gone differently in my life. But I’m not and they didn’t. There is nothing I can do about any of that now. It is what it is, and it was what it was. Everything that’s happened has made me who and I what I am. I wasn’t dealt the best hand in the game of life. I’m not setting my 40th birthday as the specific goal date of having everything in place. I know that’s not necessarily realistic. But when I look back at this in 2 years, or at any point in between now and then, I hope to be able to say that I’m definitely on my way to something better. And a quote that I like from someone who I know has had a very rough life, but is determined to make the best of his situation from now on is how I’m going to end the entry. It’s a very wise quote and it’s something that anyone that has struggled throughout life can gain something from.

“My history will not be my destiny.”
– Jake Roberts

The Vanishing of Doubt Will Unfold My Empty Space

Posted by MaskedSanity on

For much of my life I have had overwhelming feelings of fear and shame. I’ve survived with those feelings even as they consumed my being. They’re powerful feelings and a potentially emotionally crippling combination. I’ve given some thought to this subject recently and the inspiration for the thoughts came from an interesting source.

I was recently watching a reality show, WWE Legends’ House to be exact. And before you start judging my taste in programming or dismiss what I’m saying because of the apparent stigma attached, just keep reading. During the last two episodes of the show, the eight WWE Legends sat around a table a few times and opened up to each other. I watched them tell stories of tragedy, horror, and anguish. On more than one occasion during these scenes, I saw at least one of them apologize for crying and being emotional.

Another big thing I saw in the last episode of that show was when I watched a 70+ year old man announce publicly that he was gay. And while that was one of the worst kept secrets in the professional wrestling world, I wondered why he had to “announce” it if we all already knew. And then it hit me, when he actually said those words publicly for the first time, he let go of a massive burden. His secret, as poorly kept as it was, was indeed a weight on his shoulders.

How do those two things from a reality show apply to me? Well, I’ve noticed that when I write things here or talk to someone about my issues that I am also unburdening myself. I’ve realized that many depressed people have also been keeping their depression to themselves for a long time. Why did I do that, and why do they?

Fear and shame. That’s why.

I was always, and in many cases still am, afraid to ask for help. Even in minor instances, I feel like I don’t want to bother people. But why is it like that? What’s there to be ashamed of?

On that TV show, why did I witness men in their 60s crying and feeling ashamed to show emotion when talking about things as significant as the death of one of their own children?

Fear and shame, that’s why.

In other blogs I’ve written, I’ve mentioned my “programming” as a child. I was programmed to be ashamed to show emotion, because crying was seen as a weakness. As a result of that, I held so much in for years. I’m sure that added to the overwhelming burden of depression that weighed me down for so long.

I realize now that my programming was wrong. I realize now that the kid that was picked on, bullied, and made fun of in high school was not strong for keeping it in. I realize now that the kid that was pushed into walls in school and had such little self esteem that he apologized for being the in the way of the person that pushed him was not strong to keep that in. However, that little kid’s weakness was not the weakness that the bullies saw. The weakness was the fear of not being able to ask for help and the fear was due to shame.

Yes, the kid I’m speaking of there was me. But what was I afraid of? What was I ashamed of?

Why did I grow up ashamed of myself? Why did I feel so poorly about myself? Maybe I could break it down with two simple words, “words hurt.” Maybe it’s not THAT simple, but regardless, no matter how much you tell your kids to ignore insults and taunts, it doesn’t make a real difference. Words do hurt.

While thinking about this entry, and it’s been in the works for a while now, I’ve thought about how sometimes I was the one taunting or picking on kids that were perceived to be weaker than me. I said insulting things to some kids. I am not defending that behavior by saying this, but it goes back to the programming. There was a pattern of behavior in the culture I was in, and unfortunately, I didn’t break the pattern. This is one thing that I do feel shame about. I feel shame that I may have contributed to the damage done to someone the way I was damaged by my own experiences.

I once wrote that I wanted to stop using the word “can’t.” That word is too negative, I now prefer to a challenge as something I’m “not yet capable” of doing, and not something I “can’t” do. My programming has always taught me to believe I can’t do things. My programming has also taught me use words viciously. I try my best to choose my words well, especially when discussing important issues. I have tried to remove various words from my everyday conversations.

I no longer want to say that I “hate” something or someone. That word is too powerful.

I don’t want to call anyone “crazy.” After dealing with my own issues over the last few years, I realize the negativity attached to that word in many contexts.

Recently I heard a friend discuss how a few kids taunted her for not being as thin as other girls in high school. She made a comment about how they think she’s “the cute one” now, but it doesn’t matter as much, because they still damaged her perception of herself. She felt shame over that, but if they didn’t say anything, or even complimented her once, she may not have felt that way.

The name of my blog is “Unpacking the Baggage.” And it’s what I do in the majority of the entries I write. I unpack my baggage, and in some cases I unburden myself and erase some of the unneeded shame I had in my life. I do this now because I now know that people that show emotion don’t show weakness, they show strength. The men in that reality show were showing strength when they were talking, my friend showed me strength when she shared her story, and I’m showing strength now, and that’s something none of us should be ashamed of.

You’ve Come a Long Way to Find Emptiness

Posted by MaskedSanity on

If anything has been proven to me when I receive feedback on my blogs, it’s that I’m not alone. Another thing besides my blogs that gives me a sense of community at times is the music I listen to. Last year I wrote a blog about my experience with Lacuna Coil and how listening to that band gave me so many friends and good experiences. This entry is about another band that has had a tremendous impact on my life, Katatonia. And while I could write a very similar entry today about my experiences at Katatonia shows, I want to focus on other aspects.

I consider the impact that Katatonia’s music has had on me to be a positive one. I can easily see why some people may consider it to be not so positive. The majority of Katatonia’s lyrics and themes are miserably depressing. But that’s the point. I relate to them. I relate to this band probably more than any other I’ve ever heard.

I first heard Katatonia in 1997. Unlike now, I didn’t pay close attention to lyrics at that time. I really only listened to music that I liked the sound of. However, there was something about Katatonia’s lyrics that stuck out. On their 1997 album, Discouraged Ones, I heard lines such as “Who’s painting my life in sorrow blue?” I always loved the visual that I was able to get from that line. It was something that connected to me.

1999’s Tonight’s Decision was a slightly heavier album than Discouraged Ones, and I really liked it from the first time I heard it, but again, it’s the lyrics that drew me in. There were so many things on this album that I really liked, but it wasn’t until their next release that I GOT IT.

Katatonia released Last Fair Deal Gone Down in 2001 and that album hit me like nothing else had ever done before. When I first heard the songs, I was going through a depression spell. It was one of the first times that I actually realized what was happening to me and wasn’t in denial of depression. Last Fair Deal is the perfect soundtrack for what I was going through. From start to finish I consider it to be an almost flawless album. You can hear and feel the misery, agony, and desperation throughout the record. However, there’s been some points that the lyrics on this album hit too close to home and it was difficult for me to listen to it. As I said, it’s either a good thing or a bad thing.

On June 4th, 2004 I was finally able to see Katatonia perform live. Unfortunately, they didn’t play in the United States very often then. And since this was only their second North American show ever and I felt I needed to experience it, I was willing to go some distance to see them. I drove from my house in New Jersey to Cleveland for that show. And two days later, I saw them again in Montreal, Quebec. That was the one and only time I had ever left the United States, and it was to see Katatonia.

At that show in Cleveland, I have no shame in admitting that I had tears in my eyes from the very first note they played. I knew I was seeing something special. Both of those shows had me experiencing a nice range of emotions, but it was all positive.

Katatonia started touring the United States somewhat regularly in 2006. I was lucky enough to see them four times on that first tour, as they had an abundance of shows that was not tremendously far away. All four of the shows I saw on that tour were very memorable to me for various reasons, some very personal and still hold incredible significance to me today.

To celebrate the 10th anniversary of Last Fair Deal Gone Down in 2011, Katatonia performed some shows around the world in which they played that entire album from start to finish, and then played at least one song from every other album. I was lucky enough to attend their show in Rochester, NY. In the year or so before this show, I had a very rough time. I had a lot of things in my life go wrong and this show was beyond therapeutic for me. I got to see the album that has emotionally impacted me maybe more than any other album I’ve ever heard and it felt great. I had a few friends there and they had some of their friends there as well. We were all 100% into what we were seeing and hearing. It was a community of Katatonia fans. And no matter what we were dealing with at that time, or had dealt with prior, we knew we that we were NOT alone.

“and when I pause for a breath I see millions like me.”
– Katatonia, from the song “Clean Today.”

As a little addendum to this entry. I’ve had a very difficult time writing it and I’m not even sure why. Maybe it was a writer’s block thing or maybe my self-imposed deadline of June 4th, the 10th anniversary of my first Katatonia show. Or maybe it was just due to having so many deeply personal things tied into Katatonia music and shows that it was difficult for me to put it into words. Regardless, I’m still glad I was able to share this much, even if I’m not completely satisfied with what I wrote.

The Promise of Deceit

Posted by MaskedSanity on

My New Year’s Resolution for the last few years has been “to make it better.” And at the end of the year I’ll I always ask myself “am I better off than I was a year ago?” It’s difficult for me to answer that question in 2013. There’s been some bad things that have happened to me, but there’s also been some good things to counter them. There’s been some challenges and there’s been some victories, but there’s also been some victories followed by complications. In many ways I feel that my life in 2013 was in a holding pattern. I wonder if this is the balance I’ve spoken of.

In my 2012 year end blog I mentioned that I knew my credit card debt would be paid off at some point in the first half of 2013. I accomplished that goal in March. Two of the best feelings I’ve ever had were the times I made the phone call to authorize the final payment towards my debt and a few weeks later when I saw the statement that said two simple words, “Debt Free.” From that point, I started a budget plan and by the end of the year I was finally able to start comfortably putting some money aside from each paycheck in an effort to build up some savings. Of course, I didn’t anticipate losing my job in the process. Yeah, that happened. I’ve been unemployed for just over one month now. A victory followed by a challenge. Am I better off than I was a year ago. Well, I’ve been in a better position in my life to be unemployed, so sure. I’m better there, but having no income is not better. Don’t worry, I’m working on fixing that issue.

I’ve written about my depression and my sadness a few times during the year. Those issues are still quite prevalent, and may always be, I don’t know. But I do know that during the month of unemployment, I did go into a funk which resulted in laziness and a bit of depression. Much like I’ve stated before, I don’t know which of those traits comes first, but they’re both there. I have always believed that my awareness of the issues is my key to combating them. I also believe that speaking about it helps, and so many of you that have reached out to me have shown me that no matter how lonely I may feel at times, I am truly not alone. So, it’s possible that while I may feel lonely, depressed, and lazy at the moment, I may actually be better off than I was a year ago.

I ran another 5k during the year. My time was not as good as my time in 2012. I did not match my previous time, nor did I meet the goal time I had. But, I DID finish the race in a respectable time. I’ve stated that I was not really thrilled my effort during the race, but I was satisfied with the result. I’ll call that a wash.

Early in the summer I had decided I wanted to be at a specific weight. I needed to lose 10 pounds to get there, or so I thought. I had actually gained 15 pounds without even realizing it. That post 30 slower metabolism is rough. So in order to lose the (now 25) extra pounds I changed my diet, started a stricter DDP Yoga regimen, and paid close attention to the calories I took in and burned during a day. As of now, with just a few hours left in 2013 I still have not met my goal weight, but I am within 5 pounds of it. I also understand that I did lose fat and gain muscle, which is a good thing. And despite not hitting my goal, I am still in the best shape of my life, so I’ll say that I am indeed better off than I was a year ago.

“My social life is no worse off than it was a year ago. In fact, I would say it’s a bit better. I’ve definitely made a few more friends and gotten closer to some people that were only acquaintances before. And both of those things are good things.

In last year’s year end blog I talked about obstacles in my way and my desire to move past them. I moved past as many of them as I could. As it turns out, some of them are not movable. But in those cases, I’ve learned to go around them or re-evaluate the situation to the best of my ability. Regardless of whether I got past them or not, I have no regrets to how I handled any of it.”

The last two paragraphs were taken directly from 2012’s year end blog. The sentiments from both paragraphs are echoed for 2013. I made some new friends, I got re-acquainted with some old ones, and strengthened a few relationships. I also have obstacles in my way that I haven’t been able to get past. But, I still do not regret any choices, actions, or feelings I have on any of those situations. I did what I did because it was the right thing to do at the time and in the long run. I would tell you that I”m stronger for my actions, but I’m still depressed over some of the results, or lack of, so goes back to that holding pattern. I am no better nor worse than I was a year ago.

Early in 2013, I lost my uncle. There was a long period of time that I had little to no contact with him or his side of the family due to issues that I really don’t understand fully. We had reconciled and had some good moments in late 2012, which made everything a bit easier for me. But also, while I lost my uncle in 2013 I also became an uncle in 2013. And, every time I see my nephew brings me so much joy. He’s actually a motivation for me to improve things in my life. I want to take him to a Yankees game when he’s old enough to enjoy it. And the way ticket prices are, I need to get myself a really good job to be able to start saving to possibly afford anything resembling good tickets for that. I don’t know if I can say that this is either better or worse, but it is part of the circle of life and there’s almost a balance to it.

I think 2014 will require changes to hit my goals. My goals for 2014 are somewhat simple. 365 days from now when I write a recap of 2013, I want to say “Yes, I AM better off than I was a year ago.” I want to say it with conviction and I want to see it without hesitation. I also want to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. I haven’t even come close to that yet.

I have two quotes that sum up things about life and I think are somewhat appropriate.

“Do or do not, there is no try.” – Yoda

I think, in some cases that’s easier said than done. I don’t want to go against the words of the great Jedi Master, but sometimes I feel that all I can do is try.

Over the past few years, I’ve been complemented by some people in regards to “how far I’ve come” in a short time. I’ve written about how I was never able to talk about feelings before, and I’ve come out of my shell a lot there. While other people are confused by my ability to discuss feelings, since I was never able to before. The quote I’m leaving you with sums up that area very well, and may even be part of my mantra for 2014

“Times change, and so must I… We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people, all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good. You gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” – The Doctor