Living Life Today When Tomorrow Brings This Trail of Desperate Thoughts.

I’ve sometimes written about how difficult it is for me to come up with a quality blog entry when there isn’t much going wrong for me. That’s what I’m dealing with now. I’m still “in a good place.” I’ve been there for a little while. Yeah, I’ve had my ups and downs recently, but the lows haven’t been as low. The highs have been steady. And as usual, it’s confusing for me.

There’s a lot about my personality and thought process that is somewhat contradictory. While I try my best to not take good things or people for granted, I’m still disappointed when I lose good things or the people. Even though I’m always sort of expecting to. I know that doesn’t make sense to some, but it probably does to others.

I’m finally in a position in life that I don’t have to worry about so many things that I’ve had to worry about before. I have a good job. I have good health care. I don’t have much of a commute to work. I’m very much less stressed than I have been in such a long time. But, I’m scared that it won’t last. Is that due to precedents in my life? Is it due to my usual fears? What causes this?

I often talk about my programming. I’ve been programmed by my life’s experiences to not expect good things to happen, and not to last if they happen at all. I’m always expecting the worst. Yet, I still hope for better. I think that bit of contradiction causes some of my anxiety.

I’ve talked about how my life needs a balance. If one aspect of my life is going well, others have to be going poorly. Right now, there’s nothing that’s going particularly poorly. That worries me. While I’m enjoying myself right now, I always have this underlying feeling of “when is it going to end?”

Even as I enjoy how things are going right now, I should probably be enjoying things more, but the worry never leaves. I don’t know when or if it ever will. What would cause me to not worry about the future? I should be able to see the path I’m on right now as a good one. Well, more specifically I should be able to be on this good path and not worry about when it’s going to take a u-turn.

Not only am I enjoying things now, but more and more tasks are coming to me. Some are with my job, some are just things that I want to get done for myself. I know that if I accomplish or complete these tasks that I’ll feel good about them. I know that some of them could very well help my mental/emotional stability. Fear of failure with them is always with me. That’s something that never seems to leave. Sometimes I find it so much easier to not even try because in my mind, I can’t fail if I haven’t started something. Yet, at the same time, that sometimes makes me less motivated to do anything. It’s a bad cycle.

I know that much of what I’m saying in this entry is repetitious. I’ve said much of it in other entries. But that’s how my life is. A series of repeating cycles. I don’t know how much control I have over each of them. I know that some of the cycles can be broken, but I also think that my path/u-turn analogy from a minute ago applies here too. Maybe I can reverse course on some misery and head towards more joyful things. That road seems to be more difficult to navigate though. The road to Misery is a downhill path and the road out of Misery is a steep hill, usually very twisty and with many obstacles.

As I was writing that last sentence I thinking about a way to wrap this entry up. The talk about the “roads” got me thinking about the Allman Brothers Band. The 50th anniversary of their very first show was just a few days ago. One of their more famous lines is “the road goes on forever.” I guess this entry is me saying that I know the road goes on forever, but it doesn’t have to be one way street. I’m not sure how much I can dictate the path that the road takes, but I’ll do my best to navigate.



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Say Just Words

It’s pretty common now for people to talk about how much tougher the older generations were because words didn’t hurt them. They’ll talk about how their generation didn’t need “safe spaces” and how they weren’t afraid of the truth. They’ll say that their parents “didn’t raise sissies” or something like that. And of course, they’ll probably mention something about using violence against anyone that says anything offensive towards them.

In addition to believing the concept of an emotionally tougher generation is simply not true, I believe that type of thinking is outdated. I also believe it was never healthy and not good for anyone. Feeling what you feel at the time you feel it isn’t bad. Expressing your emotions isn’t bad. Crying or being upset isn’t weakness.

This post will probably be a bit disjointed, as many of my posts are. But, I know the point I want to attempt to get across in it. I know what I want to say. I don’t know if I’m going to say it as well as I would like to, but that’s okay. I’m going to say whatever I say.

For much of my time in school, I was made fun of. If it wasn’t my long hair, it was my glasses, of maybe it was how I dressed. The kids that made fun of me for having bucked teeth and an overbite were the ones that later made fun of me for having braces and head-gear to correct those issues. It’s been years since those things happened, but it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten them. Memories like that can pop up pretty randomly and still cause me to have issues with my appearance.

I fully admit to issuing my share of insults and mockery to kids in school. I admit to making many off-color and insensitive comments about… well, about just about anyone and everyone at some point. But there was a point when I stopped. As far as I know, there was not anything specific that made me stop. There wasn’t a figurative light going off in my head. I had an awakening. I realized the damage done to me and I don’t want to be a part of that damage done to others.

Surviving the constant ridicule and mockery without publicly crying didn’t make me stronger or better suited for the world. It made me numb. It made me believe that I was supposed to be ridiculed and mocked. It made me not like myself. It made me not able to deal with people in an effective way.

As I often say in my posts, this is not a “woe is me” post. This is me trying to figure things out. This is me trying to understand why and maybe try to move forward in a more positive way. Or at the very least, a less negative way.

Way too often, we look at things from a particular point of view in life and we don’t change. I look at so many aspects of life differently than I used to. I don’t think as highly of some people, events, or memories of my life as I did before. I realize that they may not really have been as good as I thought or hoped they were. My opinion and my feelings changed.

One of my favorite holiday specials is Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas. In that special, there’s a band of “hooligans” that sings a song with a line that says “We don’t wish to learn, but we hate what we don’t understand.” I think that applies to almost everything I’m writing about today. People ofeten mock things they don’t understand and they don’t bother to learn why people act differently from them.

I like logic. I like understanding things. I like understanding people and their actions. Even if their actions aren’t good, I want to know why they did what they did or said what they said. But even as much as I want to understand why people are they way they are, I’ve also learned that I’m not always going to understand all aspects of their lives. I also don’t need to. If they’re not doing any harm to me or to anyone else, why should them being “different” matter? It shouldn’t, so why do we mock differences? Why do we say hurtful things?

Why do we continue to push people and push them until they reach their breaking point? Why don’t we care more? Why?

Yeah, I’m passionate about this. I’m in my 40s. Things that were said to me by classmates, teachers, authority figures, and even relatives have stuck with me. Their words have impacted me. They’ve made me doubt so much about myself. Even now, as it’s so easy for me to see how much better off I am than I have been in a very long time, there’s still things said that knock me down. There’s things said that remind me of other things that have been said and that’ll bring me down me more.

I remember what it was like to not want to go to school because of the ridicule I knew I was going to face on a daily basis. I knew I was going to hear words that were offensive to me. I knew that there was basically nothing I could do to make it better for myself on a daily basis. If I cried, I would be mocked for crying. If I told someone about it, I would be mocked for telling. So I just kept taking it. That does a lot to someone’s mental and emotional state. As damaged as I may be, I’m also lucky to have come out of it as well as I did.

One of things that bothers me the most about when I write things like this, or a political post, is that I know that the people reading these things aren’t necessarily the ones that “need to.” My audience is mostly like-minded people that know where I’m coming from. The people that are reading my posts aren’t the ones that I’m passively calling out in this entry. But, that isn’t going to stop me from writing and it isn’t going to stop me from posting. But, I often hesitate to post certain things because I’m not sure how some people will take it. I’m afraid of their replies. And THAT is what this post is mostly about.

Words are powerful. They can shape opinions. They can create emotion. They can lift someone’s spirits. They can tear someone down. Say the right thing. If you don’t understand someone or something about them, mocking them isn’t the right thing. Say words. But just say the right words.








In the Still Eclipse, Every Light is a Heartbeat.

I end every year with a blog entry where I ask the question “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” It’s not always an easy answer for me. There’s so many variables in it and it’s often difficult for me to say for sure one or the other. This year is very easy. I am absolutely better off than I was at the end of 2017.

As I’ve stated in a previous entry, I started a new job in September. That job may end up being one of the best things to ever happen to me. I make more money than I did before, the commute is barely a thing, and I enjoy the job. I really can’t ask for anything more there.

The job and the pay have made my financial issues a bit less worrisome. The stress relief there is almost immeasurable. By no means I am financially set for life or even close to that, but I’m doing A LOT better there now. I’m actually spending more now, because I can. Over the past few months, I’ve had to replace two household appliances. Buying them wasn’t a concern. I could afford them. I didn’t have to worry about if buying them would prevent me from being able to afford enough gas to get to work before my next paycheck would arrive. Again, I really can’t describe how much of an incredible feeling it is to not have to worry about that right now.

My social life is basically where it was at this point last year. Throughout the course of 2018 I went from optimistic to disappointed to very happy to very disappointed and back to optimistic. I don’t have any regrets about the choices or pursuits that I made in 2018. The various disappointments came from issues that were basically out of my control. That doesn’t mean I’m deflecting blame or responsibility, it really means that there was nothing I could do to change the outcomes, because of things that were set into motion long ago. I would like to go through 2019 without the disappointment. But, we’ll see how that goes.

Last year I lamented about how I only ran in 3 5k races. Throughout 2017 I kept saying that I “wasn’t ready” or whatever excuse/reason I had for not doing more. I did 8 races in 2018. I’ve done a total of 31 since I started and 3 of the first few that I did this year are in the bottom 5 of my slowest ever. But, the last one I did was .4 seconds away from being a top 10. So, I ended my year a lot better than I began it. As for my slower ones, I am a little bit bothered by the results, but knowing how completely exhausted I was after each one, I know that I could not have possibly put any more effort in during those races. I literally exerted every bit of energy I had. It’s not possible for me to sign up for the races yet, but I already know the dates of a few races that I want to do in 2019 and I have somewhat of a plan in place to get myself ready for them.

Again, I didn’t come close to reading as many books as I hoped during the year. I think my new job will allow me to have more time to read. No, I don’t mean I’ll be reading books while I should be working. I mean that I have more free time than I did before with this job and I’m also a lot less stressed. Even if I only read a little bit on weekends, I’m so much more relaxed that I’m able to get a few chapters in during a sitting.

Just like every single year since I started doing the program, I still haven’t been able to perform a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. One day I will achieve that.

One of the biggest complaints I have about the last few months since I’ve started my new job is that I haven’t been able to listed to the various podcasts that I enjoy so much. I’m not in my car nearly as much as I used to be, and that really cut down my podcast listening time. If that’s one of my biggest complaints, I’m obviously doing a lot better than I have been.

I don’t know what 2019 will bring me. I have some ideas for things right now. I have some plans to fix a few things in my house that haven’t been looked at or thought about in years. I want to live in an environment that is as stress free as possible I know that being completely stress free at home is not possible, but if I can make a few changes here and there, it’ll alleviate some of the stresses I currently deal with.

My New Year’s Resolution is always the same. It’s “I want to make it better.” I think I did that this year. Despite some really dark and depressing days for me in 2018, I’m leaving the year better off than I started it. I’m really not able to look at 2018 and say it was particularly bad for me. There were enough highlights. I’m hoping to be able to say the same thing about 2019 when it’s over.

Only the Darkness Can Filter Through.

I was 29 years old and hanging out with the then girlfriend. We were at her house in the middle of the afternoon. She didn’t have any lights on. Her windows were open. The shades were up. Light from outside was coming into the room. She said she doesn’t usually have lights on in her room. She said preferred it that way.

Many times when I go to a friend’s house I’ll see that their front door is open, and maybe there’s only a screen door closed. If the door happens to be closed, it may not be locked and I’m encouraged to just go inside.

Those things confuse me. They always have.

No, it doesn’t make sense to you. It probably won’t. It shouldn’t.
It barely makes sense to me. But, let me explain.

My house always has the doors closed and locked. The windows are rarely open. The curtains are always down. This is what I’ve known for the majority of my life. It’s how my parents did things in the house. If I lift a curtain, it gets pulled back down. It’s what I was programmed to know as normal.

My life has literally and figuratively been locked away in seclusion and darkness.

Breaking my programming is not easy. Some of the sources of the programming are no longer around, but what they taught me still exists. Changing my normal to something else isn’t something I’ve found easy to do.

But, this isn’t just about doors being locked or windows being down, it’s a lot deeper than that. It’s about the people, places, and things in my life that have made me depend on darkness for comfort.

I’ve been in the shadows cast my more outgoing friends and family members. I’ve been the one that was noticed or picked last. My accomplishments only get attention when I point them out. There’s always been that dark cloud over my head.

I can’t flat out tell you that I don’t enjoy being miserable. I know that I enjoy being comfortable. Miserable is comfortable for me. Happiness confuses me. Yet, I enjoy happiness. I enjoy the feelings that I get when I’m happy. However, when I’m happy, I’m sure things are going to fall apart. Why don’t I assume that things will get better when I’m at my more miserable points?

Again, I’ll say that I’m sure this doesn’t make sense to some of you. I’m almost envious of that. Although, if you’re happy all the time, I’m confused by you. I’ve often wondered what type of delusional world that eternally happy people live in. Does it really exist? How are they oblivious to what I see and deal with? Or am I oblivious to what they see and deal with?

I don’t have the answers to the questions I’m asking here. You probably don’t either.

How can someone change 42 years worth of programming when so many situations that have caused that programming remain the same? How can I change what may not be able to be changed? If I can’t change some things, can I work around them?

I’ve written 10 entries this year. Some of them offered hope. They offered prospects of renewal in my life. They offered new chances. There’s a lot of good things happening for me right now. There really are. I’m very much aware of that and I have enough perspective to know that things are going (mostly) well for me. And yes, I did have to throw in that little hint of doubt. It’s because I’m constantly expecting everything to fall apart around me. The balance I’ve been seeking in my life seems to be there already. I see it as lots of little good things being canceled out by bad things.

Do I focus too much on the negative? Do I imagine the negative? What if things really are going great for me right now and I don’t know it? What if things aren’t going to fall apart?

Here’s some irony for you. My anxiety levels just spiked as I was typing that last paragraph. Yes, as I was discussing the possibility that my life might be going well, I got anxious about it. I think that sums up this entry very well.

Now that I’ve taken a few minutes to gather my thoughts as I wrap up this entry, I realize that what I said earlier is very true. I don’t have answers for my questions. I think I just have to keep going on this journey. Yes, my journey may be through darkness, but maybe one day there will be a window of opportunity and some light will filter through.

Can We Begin at the End to Save Some Time?

It’s probably a good thing that I look at things from my past differently than I did while experiencing them. Maybe it’s a “hindsight is 20/20 thing.” Maybe it’s a case of me being tired of making the same mistake over and over again. Maybe it’s me seeing the same mistakes that I’ve made being made by others and that helps me recognize it. Whatever the reason is, it’s good to stop a behavior or pattern that is not beneficial to me. I’m not going to get into anything truly specific here, but if you know me well and you know where I’ve been for the past few years, some of you may be able to figure out some of what I’m talking about.

I’ve had a few relationships during the last few years. For various reasons, none of them have worked out. In some cases, I tried my best to get them back. Again, for various reasons, none of them worked out. No matter what I did, no matter how much I tried, no matter what I said, they never worked. Despite warnings from my own instincts, warnings from friends, warnings from the exs’ friends (yes, that’s plural), I kept trying. Sometimes one of the exs would tell me everything I ever wanted them to say to me. I would go back. It wouldn’t work. Nothing was solved. That pattern of behavior kept going and going and going. Until I absolutely could not go through it any more.

I don’t totally believe that the exs that came back and told me things could be different had any malicious intentions with me. I now believe things couldn’t have ever worked. In many cases, people break up because they just shouldn’t be together. There’s many reasons for a split in a relationship. I’ve had bad breakups and I’ve had some really amicable ones.

Sometimes two good people are just not good together. That happens. There could be a very good chemistry between them, or so it seems. But, maybe there’s a toxicity in the chemistry that dooms everything from the start. It may not immediately bubble up to the surface, but once it does, there’s usually no turning back.

There’s also people that are just toxic in general. They bring down the people around them. They leave the people they claim to love in shambles. They ruin lives. They may not mean to. But, it happens. Some of those people have significant mental and emotional issues of their own that need to be addressed. It’s unfortunate that they often don’t address them and continue to hurt the people they claim to care so much about.

Being the advocate for mental health awareness that I am, I am all for giving people multiple chances. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to do. Unfortunately, some people cannot break bad behavioral patterns.

I’ve made plenty of mistake in my relationships. I’ll make plenty more mistakes. And even with everything I’ve just said about toxic relationships and bad behaviors, I have a hard time saying that giving people multiple chances was necessarily wrong of me to do. I’ve seen people get a lot more damaged by failed relationships than I’ve been go back to the person that they were hurt by. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I get it. I understand it. It’s not always easy.

The head and the heart are not always in agreement with each other. Heartbreak after heartbreak can happen and the brain may tell you not to go back, but that won’t always stop you. But, I can also tell you that it’s a bit empowering when you finally put your foot down and say “enough.” Until that happens, if the cycle keeps going, expect more heartbreak.

As I’ve said, I’ve been on various sides of this one. I’ve been the one pursuing an ex. I’ve been the one that starts something with someone only to have an ex show up and promise the world, end the new thing to go back to the ex and have it collapse all over again, if it even really started to take off at all, which it rarely ever did. I’ve also been the one that was left behind for an ex that keeps promising the world. I can’t get angry with anyone for doing it to me, I’ve done it. That doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t make it wrong, it just means I understand when (and why) it happened.

I do look back at my own personal history a lot. I try my best to learn from it. It may take me a while, but I usually do learn from it. I try my best to not repeat the mistakes. But, sometimes it does happen. I don’t know if it’s fortunate or unfortunate that I sometimes learn from my mistakes when I see them being made by people I care about. But, It’s good that I’ve learned.

Sometimes, in the cases of these doomed from the start, doomed from the re-start, and doomed from re-re-start relationships, there is no new beginning. There’s just time being spent until it ends again. That next ending may be emotionally worse than the first time. Something has to change. Actions must be taken that match (or surpass) the promises of better things. It’s been my experience that they rarely are.

There’s no winning. There’s no relief. There’s just sense of loss, regret, and heartbreak. It just keeps going. It’s an absolute zero. There’s no winning an absolute zero.