I want to be more productive and active. I really do. But there’s something stopping me from making it happen. And that’s my lack of a figurative “make it happen” switch in my head. I seem to lack the capability to “just do it.” In all likelihood, if things aren’t planned out for me, I don’t do them. Does this mean I’m as lazy as my parents, teachers, and other people accused me of being? I understand how one could see it that way, but it’s just not as simple as that.

In a few past entries I discussed the correlation between depression and (perceived) laziness. In one particular entry I went into some detail about it, or at least I attempted to. But it’s been on my mind a bit lately, especially as I wanted to write this entry a while ago, but just couldn’t find the motivation to do it.

There is no simple fix for depression. There is no way to “snap out of it.” Believe me, I wish there was. Not just for me, but for anyone else that has similar issues. I’ve discussed my depression issues with some of my friends. Some are very supportive. Some have told me of their similar experiences. Some completely don’t understand. I’ve heard people tell me to just go out and do stuff. Well, I would if I could. I don’t have a lot of money, but that isn’t the sole reason I don’t go out a lot. Sometimes I just can’t do it. It’s even more difficult for me to do anything if it’s unplanned, because I can’t find the motivation.

I am very capable of every day functions, such as getting to work. I get to my job on time every day. I do what I have to do there, and then I either go back to my house or I go to a gym. My current routine has me go a gym two or three times per week. However, I’m not doing as much as I used to do while there. I simply can’t find the motivation.

When I got back from the gym yesterday afternoon, I put my gym bag on the floor in my room. It may sit there for days. It’s even possible that the clothes in the bag won’t be taken out of it until I do my laundry. I usually take care of the laundry on Saturday or Sunday. It’s either or because I want to do it on Saturdays, but I often don’t leave my bed on Saturdays. By the time Sunday comes around, I’m up against a deadline and it needs to get done or else I won’t have anything clean for work. Again, I would do it sooner, but I can’t find the motivation.

I have things I need to clean up and things I need to put away. There’s things I need to fix. There’s things I need to accomplish. Some things are simple routines, and in many cases they’re put off until the last minute, but they’re done. Because they have to be. I don’t mean to procrastinate, but I can’t find the motivation.

Some of this may not make sense to some of you. I don’t even know if it makes sense to me. How can I be so aware of how little I do, want to do more, and yet I don’t do it? As I said, I don’t have “make it happen” switch. Or, maybe I do, but it’s missing. I don’t know.

I am a product of my environment. My behavior mimics the behavior of my parents. They did not do much of anything spontaneous. They did not do much that wasn’t planned. They did not do things efficiently. And they certainly did not do things timely. I used to just believe they were just lazy. But after being more and more in touch with my own issues and battle with depression, I see so many similar traits. I wish they had addressed the issues, but they didn’t. They allowed the depression, despair, and complacency to win. It’s a battle I’m fighting and may always have to fight. There’s so many examples I could give to show this, but if I got into detail about them, this entry may never end.

Unlike my parents, I am aware of my issues. I accept them. But my acceptance doesn’t mean I’m complacent with them. It means I acknowledge they exist and I do what I can to deal with them. It really has become and every day battle for me. There’s days when it’s more difficult to do anything, even the things that absolutely have to do. I somehow manage to get them done though. But, there’s so much that I don’t get done. And it bothers me, yet I still can’t get it done. Keep in mind that I really don’t like saying that “I can’t” do anything. I’ve tried my best to eliminate that expression when talking about myself, but it’s too descriptive of my issues lately. I can’t get things done.

I know what some of you are going to say. I just need to do it, whatever it is. I assure you, I would if I could. And no, this is not me being defeated. This is me struggling with this issue. It’s gotten the better of me as of late, but the fight isn’t over. I am determined to win, once I get the motivation to do so.