I Dare Not Break the Circuit.

It’s been documented in these entries that I analyze my life a little bit more than usual when July starts. It’s not just the half way point of the year, but it’s when my birthday happens. And my birthday is in just two days (as I’m writing this). And that means there are only 368 days until my 40th birthday. 40…
Despite some people telling me how great life after 40 can be, it seems like a pretty frightening number for me. At least, for now. And let me assure you that I am grateful that next year is a leap year. I get an extra day before the big 4 0.

In my last entry, I mentioned how “the hand that was dealt to me in life” hasn’t really been a good one. There’s always some obstacle in my way. And it seems that whenever I get past one, another one appears. In some cases, an old one comes back. But, whatever it is, it’s in the way of my progress.

I deal with depression, anxiety, and stress. I think the key word there is “deal.” I do deal with it. I don’t ignore it. I don’t hide from it. It is a big part of who I am. As long as I can keep it under control, I’m doing okay.

My financial situation is so far behind where it should be at my age. Hell, it’s behind where it should have been ten years ago. But, unfortunately, I’m not a Time Lord. I cannot change what’s done. And actually, if I was a Time Lord, I would be discouraged from changing things, so that wouldn’t matter anyway. But, as I’ve stated before, I spent my 20s creating my debt and I spent most of my 30s paying it off. Now, at (just about) 39 years old, I have no debt, but I make less money than I have since the late 1990s.

I have an associates degree. I have 20 years of retail experience. The words “supervisor” and “manager” are in my resume, but I have no luck with job or career advancement. I cannot afford to go to school and the thought of getting into debt to do so terrifies me. I send out job applications and hear nothing back. And the companies that do contact me are not ones I would want to work for. It’s a tiring game.

My social life has suffered a bit due to my financial issues. There’s no doubt that my depression, stress, and anxiety are also tied in to those situations as well. I’ve dealt with it for a long time. But, it’s time to make something change.

It’s actually well past me WANTING to change something. It’s a NEED. I NEED things to be different. I NEED to be on a path to success. I NEED to get past the obstacles in my way. This blog is something that can help me do that. Often when I feel I’ve identified an issue that needs to be addressed, I write about it here. I will continue to do that. It’s good for me.

I know I’m better than this. It’s ironic that I just said that. I used to get very upset if anyone said to me. I would always interpret it as them saying “you’re not good enough where you are.” But, that’s my “normal.”

I’ve broken some of the bad habits I’ve had, but I need to break more of them. I need to have more productive habits that produce positive results. I need the results to match the effort I think I’ve put into myself. Because, while the “hand I’ve been dealt in life” may not be good, and maybe I can’t change the game, it may be time for me to shuffle the deck a bit.

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2 responses to “I Dare Not Break the Circuit.

  1. i stumbled upon this post after googling a porcupine tree Lyric that has been stuck in my head. ThiS post, aS with the one from last year, has so many similarities with my life I am astonished. Needless to say I don’t have any advice to offer.

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