Through Cracks and Wounds Our Pain Reflected in a Thousand Mirrors

The frustration I feel is growing. My burdens stay with me. I’ve been walking around with a blank expression on my face lately. And recently, my desire to go into a corner or a dark room and cry has been my stronger than any other desire. My depression fueled laziness is prominent again.

I want to make it very clear that the paragraph above are not the words of someone that is giving up. They are the words of someone that is acknowledging that there is a problem, that is dealing with it, and that is trying to make things better, but seeing such little progress. It’s very defeating and I don’t know what to do about it.

The biggest culprit that’s impacting me is my finances, or lack thereof. I wrote an entry about this a few months ago. It hasn’t gotten any better. I have applied for jobs. I have gone on a few interviews. I’ve advanced in the interview process, but as of the time I’m writing this, nothing has changed. I still have my one low paying full-time job that keeps me under the poverty line.

I work full-time and can’t afford things I need. I can’t afford new shoes, new clothes, new glasses, and I certainly don’t have enough money to fix/repair my 16 year old car, let alone replace it. The car runs, but for how long? Basically, I work so I can afford to put gas into the car so I can get to and from work. And oh yeah, I can go to a supermarket on the way back from work and get the minimal amount of food I’ll need until the next paycheck, with as many coupons as possible. And at that supermarket, I have to make decisions, such as “can I afford olives for a salad, or is that too much of a luxury for me this week?”

My social life? What social life? I go out once or maybe twice per paycheck, if at all, and in (too) many cases, my friends pick up the tab for me since I can’t afford it. While I appreciate that, it bothers me to be in that position.
In all seriousness, I have turned down a date recently because I couldn’t afford to go. That’s where I am now. My finances are contributing to my loneliness. It’s not good.

I don’t want to hear any garbage from people saying that I need to learn a particular skill or trade to make a lot of money. I have 20 years of retail experience, and I’ve been a supervisor and manager. I don’t feel entitled to anything, but I know that I should be making more now. At some points, my salary was over $4 more per hour than it is now. For various reasons, I’ve had to switch jobs over the past few years and my salary has DECREASED each time. There’s a problem with the economic system we have now. I spend a decent a mount of my abundant free time reading about it. And while I like the education I get from the articles and books, it angers and depresses me more. I could spend A LOT of time getting into this particular topic, but I haven’t gotten too political in these entries.

Of course, if I get a second job, I’ll have more money to do things. However, I won’t have any time to do the things that I will then be able to afford.

I don’t want to live like this. Although, I could definitely make the argument that I’m not “living” like this, I’m merely surviving. My issues have once again began to weigh me down. I feel burdened and empty. I continue to push and push. I continue to do things that are supposed to make my situation better and not one of them has come to fruition. The frustration of the failures keeps growing.

I’ve gone out with friends recently. I have a good time in the moment, but the simple fact that I’m out with someone and probably spending some money is a burden in my mind. I can’t help but focus on that. The sad thing is, them offering to have me at their house and offering food and drinks makes me feel like I’m the burden, which adds to my mental burdens, which then makes me feel bad and not enjoy myself as much as I should.

Very often, I feel like my life is happening with me on the outside looking in. I actually had a dream last night in which a large group of my friends (and some former friends) were hanging out together. Where was I? I was watching them from the other side of a mesh fence. Literally, on the outside looking in. I don’t even know if this is relevant to this entry, but I think it’s a good indication of what I’m feeling now about my life in general. This could be a blog topic by itself, and maybe it will be.

Yeah, I know, there’s a lot of things going on inside me. Many of the issues are cyclical ones, and getting out of the cycle is challenging. Don’t you think that I would if I could? There isn’t a magic fix for anything. Well, there’s always a lottery victory, but I can’t afford to buy tickets.

The feelings of rejection, defeat, loss, loneliness, and even sometimes hopelessness that I feel are strong. I would to replace all of them with feelings of acceptance, victory, gains, fulfillment, and hope. My struggle is real. My struggle is strong. I just need to be stronger than it is.

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