I don’t enjoy being depressed. I really don’t. But, as I attempt to find a bright side to my struggle with depression, it’s that I find being depressed helps my creativity. Some of my better blog entries have come at some of my lowest points. That brings to me to a unique problem that I’m dealing with right now.
I’ve committed myself to writing at least one blog per month. It’s now the end of July and I haven’t published anything yet. July was a pretty busy month for me. Between my full time job and my part time job, I worked a lot. I also had a pretty big and positive change in my social life as well. So, due to all of those reasons, I haven’t had much time to sit down and write anything. But, there’s also another reason I haven’t written an entry yet this month, and it’s a big one…
I just don’t know what to write about. Yes, I have a case of writer’s block. If that’s the consequences of being in a good mood, I guess I’ll just have to accept it. I’ve never liked settling for anything, but I’ll gladly settle here.
Throughout the month, I’ve had a few concepts for blog entries. Some of which had me digging deep into some family issues. Some of them had me getting somewhat political. Some of them had me getting into some history issues. Some were a combination of all three. Yes, I’m capable of doing that. Trust me.
Although, I do have to confess that not everything is good. As of yesterday, I no longer have a full time job. The company I worked for has gone out of business. I worked there until the very end and was literally one of the last employees left in the building. I enjoyed my time at that job, but now it’s gone and with it goes my health benefits. But, I’ve been here before and I’ve risen out of it. The other times I’ve lost jobs were less expected and left me a bit more bitter. But, due to having a part time job, in which I can get more hours, I’m not particularly concerned about income at the moment.
The positive attitude I’ve had recently is not what I’m used to. It’s not what I would usually say is “my normal.” It’s different for me. And very often, when I feel this way, I also have a feeling of impending doom. This time, I don’t have it. I don’t want it. I’m glad it’s not there. It could come back, I’m not naive to that. And no, me saying that isn’t me having the usual dread. It’s just a reality.
My depression and life experiences have shown me that usually when things are going well for me, something bad is coming. It’s the feeling of dread I often have. As of this moment, I don’t have that. I’m quite aware that I don’t have it. And it doesn’t confuse me. To some of you, this paragraph may seem weird. I’m writing about the usual dread I have when in a good mood for an extended time and how I’m not confused by the my enjoyment of it. I’ll be honest, it’s not something I’m completely used to, but I’m just going with it.
Even with the employment issues I’m about to face, my biggest problem with this past month is really this blog entry. I’m bothered that I have so little to say. I guess I know what some of my goals for August are:
– look for work
– run more often and attempt to lose 10 pounds
– write (at least) one really good and in depth blog entry
I think all three of those goals are attainable. There’s varying levels of difficulty with them, but I still think I can handle it. Wow, I’m still sounding optimistic. It’s definitely not what I’m used to. But, I kind of like it.