Sometimes it seems that I have very little to show for all of the progress that I make in life. I could probably end this entry right there. I’ve made my point without having to elaborate. But, I don’t think that accomplishes anything. But then again, considering the theme of this entry, does it even matter?
Last year at this time, I was working multiple low paying jobs and barely getting by. Now, I’m working one higher paying job and doing better, but I haven’t been able to really get ahead. I won’t go back to the situation I was in last year. It helps that I literally can’t. One of the jobs I worked last year no longer exists. And I bring it up as a reminder to myself that I am actually in a better situation. Yet, it’s hard for me to believe it.
Excuse me for being vague in this next part, but there’s still some things I don’t publicly like talking about at least not in this forum. But trust me, there’s a lot of material here that will likely be talked about at another time.
I feel that I’ve made significant progress in fixing and cleaning things in my house, but they are usually undone, sometimes instantly. I like progress. To see the progress I make be undone is frustrating.
But, just like my house, it seems like there’s no fixing certain people in it. Of course, in order to be fixed/get help, you have to first admit there’s a problem. And I guess it doesn’t matter how many times the exact same issues are pointed out.
Maybe I fall into that category too. I KNOW I would be better off I wasn’t in this house, but it is 100% not financially possible for me to do anything about that. So, while I’m here I want it to be as pleasant, nice, neat, organized, and peaceful as possible. There’s very little support for me in that effort. It’s so devastatingly defeating to have to return to this every day.
Over the last few years I’ve started exercising a lot more than I used to. But, considering how little I used to exercise, anything would be more. But, in all seriousness, I was doing very well there. I was doing DDP Yoga every day, going to the gym a few times per week, and running outside regularly. The results were evident. I had lost weight. I was running my best 5K race times. Things were going well there. They WERE.
Now, I still do the workouts, but I’m not getting the results. The name of this entry is “Running Twice as Fast to Stay in the Same Place.” It’s figurative for most of this, but literal for this portion. I’ve gained weight and slowed down. I don’t see results. Unfortunately, it’s defeated me more than it’s motivated me.
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is considered to be the definition of insanity. Maybe I’m insane. I know that things need to change. I don’t know how to change them. That’s another problem. What can I do in my life to produce different results? How can I make actual progress? What will it take?
Maybe I need to use my disorder and make order out of it. One of the symptoms of the type of depression I have is the need for routines. Some people are critical of that and think it’s bad to plan out things as much as I’ve been known to. Well, maybe I need to do just that. Maybe I need to make a plan and stick to it as much as I possibly can. Maybe I can get some more positive results that way. Maybe, just maybe I can take this alleged weakness and make it a strength. If it’s a negative trait of mine, I’m going to make it a positive.
Of course, this does present a problem for me. The more I plan things out, the more stressed out I will become if I don’t hit goals. The more I plans things out, the more anxiety I feel when I’m limited on time. But, I don’t know if there’s any other options for me right now. I think I have to go for it. 2017 is 25% over. I’m going to map out specific goals for the next 25% of the year. And I mean day by day plans. What workouts I’m going to do, what days I’ll go to the gym and what days I’ll just workout at my house. I’ll plan what days I’m going to run outside, weather permitting, of course. I’ll plan when I’m going to relax. I know that sounds weird, but it (sometimes) works for me. I need to start planning (healthier) meals too.
The bottom line is that I need a plan. If I don’t know where specifically where I want to go, how can I get there? There’s no turning back. I need to move forward. Progress must happen. If I have to get a little stressed to get the results I want, then maybe I have to get a little bit stressed. I’m going to revisit this entry in 3 months and I’m going to write a follow up to it. I truly hope that I have good things to say about it.