When speaking about Christmas, Charlie Brown famously said “I know nobody likes me, why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?”
I don’t currently feel that way about the holiday season, but I have, and I easily could again. This may entry may scratch the surface of that.
I don’t have a lot of fond memories of family gatherings at holidays. My memories of family events during this time of year is mostly of disagreements, disputes, spite, bitterness, and anger. Most of which would climax during the times we were supposed to be most joyous and festive. As a child, when the mostly annual holiday season arguments were going on, I would retreat into my room and find comfort with whatever was on TV. And depending on how close it was to Christmas, it was very possible that “Christmas Eve on Sesame Street” was on one of my local PBS stations.
I don’t feel particularly at ease discussing details for the reasons for the annual arguments, other than to say it was due to differences of beliefs that my parents had. Those beliefs were ones that were never outwardly expressed, until something was said or done in contrast to the other one’s beliefs. There was a lot of passive aggressive behavior that would always blow up into full fledged arguments during this time of year.
To be honest, that was very normal for my household. As I stated, it was basically every year. There is no doubt that it helped make me very sour on December’s holidays and anything they were supposed to represent. Of course, working 20 years of retail didn’t help that either, but that’s a different story. Family arguments never got resolved. They just got glossed over and then everyone went on as if nothing happened, but the issues lingered until they bubbled back up to the surface and it started all over again, but with more resentment.
Hiding from problems is also a family tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation for me. I hid from much of these arguments. I had to. It was survival. But, while hiding from them, I found comfort with TV. I found comfort in my own world. I found comfort with solitude.
The reason I specifically brought up “Christmas Eve on Sesame Street” earlier is that I still watch it every year. Of course, now it’s via DVD. I find great comfort in watching it. And now, since most of the fighting is done, I can watch it without the specter of Christmas Past hanging around.
In fact, I’ve realized that I have developed similar traditions of my own for various holidays. They all pretty much involve watching a specific TV show or movie that is related to the holiday or event. And they probably involve drinking a specific seasonal beer that is also related to the event. There’s a comfort level for me with these traditions. Comfort isn’t necessarily a good thing, sometimes it’s just all you know. There’s a fine line between comfort and complacent. I’ve written about how comfortable sadness can be for me in a previous entry.
The thing is, I don’t think my personal holiday traditions are sad. They’re things I’ve developed over the years that started out as coping mechanisms and have turned into things I actually look forward to. I admit that sometimes there is a sadness to being by myself for much of these events. I do spend time with friends and family during holidays. I’m not completely isolated. But, I really do feel like an outsider during many of these events. I don’t share the same joys of the holidays. They don’t mean the same things to me that they mean to others. My anxiety usually picks up a bit during these times because I’m just not comfortable in the social settings. Even with the people I’m closest with.
As I’m writing this, I’m starting to ask myself if I’m enjoying myself while being miserable. Or am I miserable while enjoying myself? Is either scenario possible? Is it just who I am? Is it just what my programming is? I really don’t know these answers. But, as usual, I’m putting these thoughts and feelings out there with the hopes that just by doing so, things may one day be more clear for me. But until that day happens, I’m going to keep doing what I do during holidays…
I’m going to find some place I can enjoy the little things, even if that place is just in my mind.
I’m going to find a way to enjoy my TV shows and my holiday beer(s), because there’s solace there.
And even if there’s no true celebration from me, and even if I’m not exactly at ease in my settings, I’ll find a way to be comfortable, even if I’m not.