I Walk in the Darkness and Neon Lights.

I’m generally a miserable, cynical, pessimist. I can’t help it. It’s what I’ve become. It’s how I’ve been programmed to be. I’m not saying any of that for sympathy. I’m saying it because I think, in a way, it’s helped me appreciate certain things.

On more than one occasion, I’ve written about how I always expect good things to end. I don’t enjoy happiness as much as I should because I don’t expect it to last.

Another thing I’ve said a few times and have written entries specific to this is how much music has helped me through so many bad times.

Everything I’ve written in this entry so far is tied together by experiences I’ve recently had.

I’ve had the pleasure of seeing a few concerts over the last few weeks. The bands I saw were bands that I had seen MULTIPLE times before. Their shows were great. I have nothing bad to say about them. But, the music and the bands were almost secondary to the overall experiences that I had during those times. It was really about the people, friendships, and relationships that I’ve developed because of the music.

This is another difficult entry for me to write. I’m so much more creative when I’m miserable. I’m so far removed from being miserable right now that I almost don’t know what to write about.

Anyway…

Getting back to what I said at the beginning of this entry, I really do appreciate everything that I was able to do over the past few weeks. A few years ago, there is almost no way I would be able to afford all that I did. Heck, I may not have been able to afford it just one year ago, but so much has changed since then.

I live really close to New York City, but it is EXPENSIVE to drive there. Something as simple as being able to afford to go to concerts in NYC two nights in a row is something that I very much appreciate being able to. I’ve been so much worse off financially in my past that I am very much aware of how good it is that I can do that.

Perspective is a good thing to have. I’ve been THOUSANDS of dollars in debt. I’ve been miserably depressed. I’ve worked at jobs that I could barely afford to keep working at. None of those situations apply to me now. My life is so much better than it’s been. I’m very much aware of that. Yes, I do expect the ride to come to an end, but I’m actually enjoying it too much to worry about that right now.

I know things could be A LOT better in my life. But, I also remember how bad they’ve been. I do not lose sight of that. I cannot lose site of that. It keeps me grounded. It keeps me sane, which is actually quite a task.

I’m genuinely struggling to find something bad to say. I’m so conditioned to be miserable and cynical that this current version of myself is confusing. I’m not saying that I don’t want it to last, and as much as I think it’s not going to last, I’m going to do whatever I can to make it last.

This is how a lot of my recent entries have gone. I don’t know what to say in them. I haven’t been unpacking much baggage. It’s ironic that I’m almost bothered by the fact that I don’t have much to complain about. It’s like I’m hoping for something traumatic just so I can write a really good entry. And as much as I’m tempted to say something snarky like “with any luck, that’ll happen some time soon,” I’m actually glad that I don’t have much to say.

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