I am exhausted. It’s more than tired. It’s not having energy. It’s not having motivation. It’s just constant fatigue. It takes me too much effort just to get out of bed every day. What I do from there is almost limited only to what I have to do. Even though I do schedule and plan a lot of things, if it’s nothing something that’s absolutely necessary, I may not do it.

Now that I’ve scared all of you, let me assure you that I’m in the process of addressing my own concerns. I’m also going to make some changes. I’m not quite sure what all of them are yet, but changes are coming. They have to.

There’s not one particular thing that’s been an issue for me lately, other than my usual concerns about life. But, the little things have been getting to me a bit more than usual and they’ve been weighing me down. I’m capable of going out and having a good time, but it’s really like I’m going through the motions with that. I’m stressed. I’m tired. I feel like there’s a lot bottled up. I’m not sure what’s wrong.

I think a theme of this entry is going to be one paragraph describing doom and the next talking about remedies. Just over two years ago, I wrote an entry about starting over. My mindset is currently the same. A new month starts in a few days and with that new month will begin a new dedication. I may have to force myself to do things, but I’m almost at the point where I see no choice.

My lack of motivation to get things done makes me upset that I haven’t gotten things done. Not getting things done kills my motivation to do things. It’s something that I NEED to work on. I don’t know how to do it, especially with my lack of energy. Would I have more energy if I was more active? But can I be more active without energy?

My gym visits used to be specific to the amount of machines that I used. Once I completed that goal and got through a specific amount of time on some form of cardio machine, I would be done there. The length of my gym visits now are determined by how late it is. In my mind, I need to leave there by a certain time, but there’s no reason for it.

Since I’ve passed 40 years of age, I’ve used my age as the reason (possibly excuse) as to why I’m not able to do things like I used to. When I was 39, I was working a job that required me to be there at 6am, sometimes earlier. I would wake up around 4, do a 30ish minute workout in my house before I left for work, and then go to a gym afterwards. I ran various times per week and ALL of the top 10 5k race finish times that I have were when I was 39. Did my metabolism slow down as much as I’ve joked it has since I hit 40? That was almost 8 years ago. Are things just going to get worse?

I know that some of what I’m saying here can be taken as making excuses. I’m not seeing that way, why would I? I’m the one making the excuses, right? No, I’m not. I’m the one that is trying to figure out what’s going on and is committed to making the changes that I need to make. My health depends on it.

I’m prepared to try new methods. As I said earlier, if I have to force myself to do things, I will. Whatever I’ve been doing lately, and by lately, I mean for the past few years, hasn’t been working. I just need to convince myself that I HAVE TO do it, and then I will. I’m good at meeting obligations. I’m not as good with things that I choose to do.

I just turned on a channel that plays music/sounds that are labeled “Zen.” I thought that they would help me concentrate on this since my attention span is awful right now. I was wrong. That channel annoyed me.

Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, there’s a decent amount of things in my life that I cannot control and they do place a burden on me. Those things probably do limit my ability to fully enjoy things, even if I’m not directly dealing with them all of them the time. Maybe if I find a way to worry less about them and more about what I can control, I’ll be on the right track.

I know that this entry has more questions than answers. I’m asking a lot of maybes and what-ifs. I’m not necessarily providing solutions. But, I really don’t know what the solutions are right now. Over the next few days, I’m going to try to do a few things a little bit differently and we’ll see how it goes.

If anyone reads this and thinks that this a darker entry for me, it’s really not. This is me talking out loud (in typing form) and putting my thoughts out there. This is not a cry for help or attention. But, this is also not me refusing help. I’m open to suggestions. As I said earlier, a new month is just a few days away. I’m going to do a trial run of my methods for a few days and start them for real when the new month begins. I’ll report back in one month. At least, if I word things like that, at the very least I’ll my motivation to write something next month. For now, I may just have another nap.