Just a few weeks ago, I ran my first 5k race of the year. As I turned the first corner in that race, my eyes started to tear up. Not because of the abundance or pollen in the air, but because I was getting a little bit emotional. It’s pretty common for that to happen shortly after a race begins. But, this time, I wasn’t just thinking about the feeling I get for accomplishing a 5k race. It was more complex than that.

My mind was racing, quicker than my legs. To be honest, that’s not difficult at this point, but I digress. Just a few minutes before the race had started, I was talking to a friend who was also running. I know him because of the races that I run. We’ve run so many of the same races that we started talking at them and became friends. My mind went from “it was nice to see him” to “I’ve made friends during races” to “I make friends everywhere” to “holy cow, I have friends!”

Someone realizing that they have friends shouldn’t be a big deal. But, for me, at that (probably inconvenient) moment, it meant everything.

About 11 years ago, I wrote an entry talking about how lonely I felt. I always felt that. I could have been surrounded by people that I knew and was friendly with, but I still felt isolated and lonely. There’s been a few moments in the time since when people have told me that things that countered my feeling, and I’ve doubted it less and less, but that moment in that race, it really sunk in.

My hobbies include watching Professional Wrestling, going to concerts, watching old TV and movies, and running the occasional 5k race. I’ve made friends and acquaintances through every single one of those things. And yet for years, I still felt lonely. I didn’t feel alone, just lonely. Not anymore. Now, I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for things.

It’s taken me a long time to get here but I’ve arrived. How did I get here? It was a long journey. It took a lot of conversations. Some were with myself, which were probably not as productive as they could have been. The voice in my head likes to fill my mind with all of the doubt that it was programmed to believe. One particular conversation with a friend helped to push me over the proverbial hump when he told me that I manifested all of this by just talking to people. That sounds pretty simple, right? And obviously, it was true. But, for some reason, it never sunk in. I could be surrounded by all of those people that I knew just because I started a conversation with them and still feel isolated. But right now, at this very moment, even though nobody is near me as I’m writing this, I don’t feel isolated, lonely, or separated from people.

I don’t just feel connected to other people. I feel connected to myself. Maybe that was the key to unlock the door? I’m not going to analyze that thought too much right now. But, I am proud of myself for realizing it and for thinking of that wording.

What did I just say there? “I am proud of myself.” I used to never be able to say that and believe it. Now, I do believe it. If being ashamed is the opposite of being proud, I don’t know if I was every truly ashamed of myself, but I just wasn’t proud. I was made to feel ashamed of myself, often for things that others had done. That weighed me down for years. Positive reinforcement can do wonders for someone. It just takes a lot longer to undo the piles of negativity that have been placed on top of you.

As I’m writing this, I’m less than 24 hours away from running in my 50th official 5k race. I can’t help but think “wow” when I think about that. My finish times are slower than they used to be. I’m working on that. But, while running ONE 5k, let alone 50, is something that should be celebrated, this entry isn’t about my physical races. It’s really about the race inside of my head. And from where my mind is right now, it looks like when I turned that corner a few weeks ago, I really did turn a corner.