Category Archives: America

We are not there yet. We have not evolved. We have no respect. We have lost control.

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In last month’s post, I discussed how much I can’t stand bullies. I also talked about how the current American President is a bully. I’ve continued to see him act as a bully. I almost discussed how much I can’t stand intolerance and bigotry. I’ve seen more intolerance and bigotry.

I’ll be completely honest, I have no idea what to write here today. Based on what I’ve seen on the news over the past week, I’m at a loss for words. I’ve witnessed the American president lying about easily provable facts. Other countries’ leaders have corrected him. He then continues with the lie. I’ve watched as the United States of America sides with Russia and North Korea in refusing to condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. I’m stunned into silence.

I enjoy history and politics. I wish that I had enjoyed history in high school as much as I do now. Yet, that’s neither here nor there. I read a lot about American history. I like watching documentaries about it. I like listening to podcasts and discussions about it. I think that I have a pretty good understanding of it. With that understanding of history comes an understanding of which policies are better for society and which are not. And with that comes the understanding of which sides proposes policies that are better for society and which side proposes policies that are good for the few.

I try not to use the words “Republican” and “Democrat” when I discuss policy because the parties have switched. Yes, it’s true that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and he freed the black slaves. Yes, it’s true that the founders of the KKK were Democrats. Those are indisputable historical facts. But, it’s important to understand how they’re almost irrelevant today based on the current political alignment of the two parties.

Teddy Roosevelt left the Republican party in the lead up to the 1912 Presidential Election. He took the majority of the progressive Republicans with him. They eventually started to side with the Democrats. By the time Franklin Roosevelt was President, the Democratic Party was almost all of the Progressives. The Civil Rights movement of the 1960s further prompted the shift. Conservative Democrats who were still around moved to the Republican party. This move (more or less) finished the switch.

When I registered to vote, I registered as an independent. I had the mindset of “I’ll always vote for the best person, regardless of political party.” And, I still think that’s the best concept to have. But, the concept isn’t as good as the reality. I am no longer and independent. And I’m proud to be registered as a Democrat. It’s increasingly more clear every day. This is especially true in the past few years. It’s the Left and the Democrats that do more for society.

A few years ago, I read (former Senator) Al Franken’s autobiography. I loved the book. Why wouldn’t I? It was about someone who was a Senator, a writer for Saturday Night Live, and someone whose opinions I basically agreed with and understood. He spoke very well about why he was a Democrat. He watched as Republican policies held people down. He spoke about how it was Progressive policies that helped family members of his get out of their financial struggles. He got it and he did his best to keep it going while in office.

I’m closing in 50 years of age. Many people in my generation are struggling with money. Very few Generation X married couples can survive on single income households, like our parents did. What’s different? Did our parents work harder? No, the economic balance switched. When our parents were growing up under the economy that Franklin Roosevelt set up after the Republican Great Depression (as it was originally called), the people who had the most money were taxed the most and the working class were taxed less and could provide for their families. When Ronald Reagan changed the tax system in 1981, he basically reversed it. The rich were taxed less and tax increases on the middle class were common.

Since 1981, there’s been more tax cuts for the rich and more tax increases on everyone else. It’s simple to see the impact that this has. Our infrastructure is crumbling. Our schools are failing. People cannot make ends meet. It doesn’t take a statistician to figure it out.

How does economy and Right vs. Left policies tie into the bullying and bigotry that I started with? All you have to do is look at what’s happening. The Right is in control at the moment. They’re using the power that they have to bully anyone that they feel is weaker than them. They’re using their power to bully minorities via policy and poverty. They’re using their power to push LGBTQ citizens back “into the closet.” And since the “leader of the free world” is the biggest and loudest bully out there right now, so many others feel emboldened by his words and actions.

The Left meanwhile, for over 100 years, has been trying to provide healthcare, equal rights, and economic stability.

We are not the same. I want nothing but the best for everyone. I don’t want people to feel less than. I don’t want people to be treated as less than. I want people to have equal rights, equal opportunities, and success. The only way to do that is with progress. And we’re currently going backwards. It’s not good. I haven’t lost hope. I’ve just become very discouraged. But, what I’ve learned about history shows me that I’m on the right side, the compassionate side. And eventually, it will be okay… at least, I hope so.

We Will Overcome This System.

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I have no tolerance for bullies. I have no tolerance for people in power enacting policies that belittle people. I have no tolerance for hatred. I have no tolerance for bigotry. I have no tolerance for intolerance.

I’ve been the victim of bullies. I vividly remember the fear that I often had while walking the halls of my high school. I vividly remember the dread that I often felt while walking home from high school. I didn’t fit in. I had long hair. I read comic books. I wasn’t one of the cool kids. And others made it a point to mock me for my interests. Sometimes, they would even physically hurt me. I survived. I’m in a very good place right now. But, I’m very scared about the rise of bullies.

The once and current President of the United States is a bully. He’s a racist. He’s a bigot. He does not care who he hurts as long as he helps himself in the process. He has zero compassion for minorities of any kind. Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, and basically any religion that isn’t a form of Christianity is likely to be targeted by him. And his barrage of public bullying has enabled and emboldened a rise of bullying, hate crimes, and overall discrimination.

Many people use the cliche statement, “I have many (fill in minority category here) friends.” Then they make decisions that hurt those alleged friends. Claiming to have black friends doesn’t give you the right to make decisions that hurt them. Claiming to have LGBTQ friends doesn’t give you the right to deprive them. And yet, that’s what many people do. It happens way too often.

The United States of America has come a long way. If you wanted to argue that the USA has not made a lot of progress with equality, I wouldn’t argue with you. Recent events have set progress back, possibly for decades. Yes, the country is inherently filled with systemic racism. Yes, a lot of policies benefit straight white men over anyone else. But, progress towards equality was being made. As slow as it may have been moving, that progress was happening. As of late, I don’t feel like we’re moving forward at all.

If we must use political labels, I am a Progressive. I want progress. I want every single person, regardless of who they are, to be treated equally. I want them to be able to paid fairly. I want them to have access to affordable health care. I want them to be able to get legally married. I want people to be able to fulfil Thomas Jefferson’s concept of them having unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The ability to pursue life, liberty, and happiness is not easy for some people. For many, it’s an outright painful struggle.

I like reading about history and politics. I know how got to where we are today. I’m not going to get into that particular topic in this entry. Discussing it would turn this into a novel. I like to understand thing. I’m also okay with not understanding some things. There’s a lot of things in the universe that I don’t know the answers to. Not understanding something doesn’t usually fundamentally upset me. However, for the life of me, I cannot understand why people need to be cruel. I cannot understand why people need to belittle differences. I cannot understand why some people think it’s acceptable to take away rights from innocent human beings. And not only don’t I understand any of that, it really does upset me.

I don’t usually end my entries like this, but I want to thank you for reading this one. Please do something to make a positive difference in someone’s life today. The world needs it.

Scientific Progress All too Real. Dialectic Nonsense All Unreal.

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When I was a kid, I was told that Santa Claus was real. I was told that the Tooth Fairy placed money under my pillow after I lost a tooth, which is really creepy when you think about it. The Easter Bunny delivered candy to houses, or so they said. We were told that Pluto was a planet. We were told that the concept of Trickle Down Economics would work. As I got older, I learned that none of those things are true, except maybe the creepy nature of the Tooth Fairy story.

This entry is not being written to destroy the credibility your childhood myths. Growing up should have done that already. As we get older, we should learn and accept as fact that many of things that were taught to us as children are not true, or at the very least that concepts of them have changed.

One of the examples that I brought up earlier, Pluto was classified as a planet from the time that it was discovered in 1930 until it was reclassified in 2006. The reclassification doesn’t mean that Pluto doesn’t exist, it just means that new information made the reclassification necessary. That is what science does. It studies things and the concepts evolve over time.

Slavery was once a legal practice in the United States. Women were not given the right to vote in the United States. What changed? Ideas of right and wrong. Evolution of concepts.

An older gentleman was in my office the other day. He was using profanity and ethnic remarks. He asked me about specific information about something and after I gave him what he was looking for, I also let him know that he could access all of the same information online, without having to “drive 30 minutes” as he let me know that he had done. He said “I’m 80. I don’t have time for computers. I’m from a different time.” What he showed me is that he hasn’t evolved as time has passed him by.

A good friend of mine is an elected official in another state. She happens to be transgender. She was publicly misgendered by someone a few days ago. It’s made headlines. I made the mistake of reading some of the many comments about it on social media. I was enraged.
What does this story have to do with everything else that I’ve been talking about? It’s very simple. I didn’t know about LGBTQ people when I was a kid. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t exist, but I wasn’t told about them. I was told about “traditional” marriages and families. I was told that there were only two genders. What I was told was not true. I accept that. My beliefs changed based on evidence.

But, in regards to the story that I just mentioned, I was very angered by the comments that I read online. I shouldn’t have been, since they were exactly what I expected them to be. The typical closeminded garbage that comes from bigots. Yes, you are a bigot if you shame anyone in the LGBTQ community. Yes, you are a bigot if you make racial or ethnic slurs. Yes, you are a bigot. There is no room for debate. Your ideas need to evolve.

Just because you are taught something doesn’t make it true. Just because you believe something doesn’t make it true. Just because a book written thousands of years ago before anything resembling science and technology evolved mentioned something doesn’t make it true. Ideas, concepts, beliefs are supposed to evolve as facts are revealed.

I try to be as open minded as possible. When there is evidence that something I think is true may not be, I’ll change how I think about it. That’s what is supposed to happen.

If, in the year 2024, you still believe that the social norms of the 1800s are acceptable, you’re wrong. If you believe that racial, ethnic, sexist humor that was often said out loud without consequences is acceptable, you’re wrong. If you think that it’s unacceptable for someone is LGBTQ to not express themselves as they are, you’re wrong.

I understand that many people still believe in things that are wrong, untrue, misconstrued, or are just myths. My ideas are based on experience. My ideas are based on facts. My beliefs are constantly evolving. It’s time for us to stop believing lies. We need to accept facts. We need to stop believing in systems that don’t work. We need to stop believing in concepts that have been proven to be wrong. Evolve. Grow. Get past your pre-conceived ideas of the Universe.

I’m proud of how I’ve evolved over the years. I’m proud of how I see the world and the experiences that I’ve had that have helped me to form my views.

As I’m Walking I’m Breathless, I’d Welcome Clarity.

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“We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s OK, that’s good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” – the Doctor

Why did I start off this entry with a quote from an (allegedly) fictional character? That’s really simple, because when I was thinking about this entry, that quote came to me. I interpret that quote from the Doctor as a way of saying that you need to change. You need to grow. You need to evolve. Specifically, you need your views on life to evolve.

Way too often I see people criticizing modern kids for spending too much time playing videos games, looking at their phones, and not doing more “manly” things such as sports. What I think people fail to realize is that they’re doing things that are right for them. They’re also doing things that some of us didn’t have the capability of doing. While I did have video games to play at my house when I was a teenager, I didn’t have the capability of playing with people all over the world. I was THRILLED when more than two people could play when multi-player games were available.
We didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid. And when cell phones were first available to me, there were barely any features. Heck, the first one that I had didn’t even have a clock on it.

People my age and older that would go outside and do play in their yards did that stuff because we didn’t have as many ways to entertain ourselves as kids do now. Our grandparents didn’t sit aorund and watch television when they were kids, because that wasn’t even a concept yet.

I remember back in the late 1990s when Pokemon cards first became really popular. I did not understand what the big deal about them was. And to be honest, I still don’t. But, to some people, they mean a lot. Their value isn’t necessarily monetary, it’s personal.

I don’t care about cars, football, or motorcycles. That doesn’t diminish me in any way. It just means that I have different interests. Just like the kids that collected Pokemon cards. Their interests were different.

I started this off with a quote and I’m going to use another one that I like, this one is from the late, great Bill Hicks. He said “All your beliefs, they’re just that. They’re nothing. They’re how you were taught and raised. That doesn’t make ’em real.”
I think that quote shows the point that your ideas can and should evolve.

When we were children, there were a lot of fairy tales that we were told. We were told about the existence of various fictional characters. We were told some of those characters would bring us gifts, give us money, or deliver candy in the middle of the night. Ignoring the fact that some of those things seem pretty creepy when you think about it, but there’s also a time when we stop believing the existence of those characters.

My point about brining up the belief of those characters and things that we’re told is to emphasize part of what Bill Hicks about beliefs not necessarily being based on reality. WE need to evolve how we think about things, people, and society. WE need to realize that just because someone is riding an electric scooter instead of a motor cycle that the person on the scooter is not failing to live up to a standard of manhood. Again, it’s just something different that wasn’t an option before.

I’ve done my best to change how I look at life. By evolving how I think about life, I’ve become a lot less jaded and angry than I was in younger days. I don’t look at things that I don’t understand and belittle them. In fact, If I don’t understand something, I may use my phone (which has all of the technology that I didn’t have as a kid) and do some quick research on what I don’t understand. And maybe, just maybe, by doing that, my way of thinking about something will evolve.

The Truth is That Our Youth Was a Carpet Laid in Stones.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look at the 45 years of my life that I’ve completed.

I really enjoyed this past year. I think that’s been pretty obvious by my entries here. By no means has it been perfect, but it’s been very good for me. My mental health has (for the most part) been good. It was a very fun year.

2020 and 2021 basically blend together in my mind. They’re just one long chunk of time when not much happened and I didn’t get to do much, but that goes for just about everyone. I ended 2019 really doing well. I was enjoying myself quite a bit and did a few things that I thought were “surreal.” When the Pandemic started, all of that stopped. But, my mood never changed. Things continued to go well for me, just differently.

When things started to open up in 2021, I was able to somewhat pick up where I left off in that surreal life. And due to conversations that I’ve had with some friends (two in particular), I’ve realized that when you look at my life from the outside, it looks like it’s a lot of fun and just really good. I’m very much aware that what you see on the outside doesn’t always match what’s happening on the inside. But, I think those conversations have helped me feel as good as others think I do, if that makes sense.
And, it’s not lost on me that one of those conversations was with someone that’s a big part of the surrealness.

So while my inward happiness and my outward happiness appear to be in sync right now, that voice in the back of my head that was dormant for a while has started to remind me that this could all be temporary, especially as I’ve looked at my bank account recently. Not much triggers my anxiety more easily than my finances. And while I’m still doing so much better than I was a few years ago, I’m not doing nearly as well as I was just a few months ago.

This is not going to turn into anything to do with politics when I talk about my financial situation. I’m way too informed and aware to know that the world’s economy isn’t great right now and it’s not there’s way too many factors involved for me to place blame, although I can, and even though I said I won’t get political, I’ll just say that a lot of us wouldn’t be in the situations we’re in if there was ever a “Trickle.”
But, I digress…

Anyway…

My bank account is a lot lower than it was a year ago. Yes, things are more expensive than they were a year ago, but I also made a major investment last year. Just about 13 months ago, I had LASIK surgery. And even though I had four years to pay it off, I’m almost done with payments on that. I also bought myself a new laptop computer, which I’ve also paid for in full. While some people may think that fully paying for a laptop and being 80% with the payments for my LASIK in one year is HUGE for me. A few years ago, I was at the point where I was telling people that I couldn’t hang out because I didn’t have enough money for gas and tolls.

Which brings me to my next point:
Gas and tolls. The price of both is so high right now and that has played a factor in my bank account being lower than I would like it to be. I know that I need to adjust my mindset and start thinking more like I used to about doing things.
I do want to make it very clear that while these thoughts about money are in the back of my mind, they’re still just in the back of my mind. They haven’t manifested into full anxiety or panic yet. And before I start going down this path and depressing you, as well as myself, let me quickly get to the end of this entry.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. I really am in a good place right now. The good is outweighing the bad. I haven’t always been able to say that. I know that I have a lot of work to do on various things over the next few weeks and months. If I’m able to get that stuff done, I think it’s very possible that this good ride that I’m on will keep on going for a while.

Tears For a Hopeless Case.

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When I first started thinking about what I was going to write about in this entry, I thought about some of the conversations that I’ve had over the last few weeks. I was going to talk about the incredibly kind things that have been said about me or done for me recently. I was going to talk about a conversation with someone that I knew from high school and how I thought she was one the “popular kids” but she described herself as “very depressed” during that time. I was going to talk about how many of friends are doing so many good things and how happy that makes me, but as I sit here trying to figure out what to say in this entry, it’s very difficult to look around at the world and not feel sad. While I am personally (still) doing very well (mentally), there are just so many reminders of things that are wrong and how the “powers that be” don’t seem to want to attempt to fix anything.

As of the time that I’m writing this, the Uvalde, Texas mass-shooting is the most recent mass-shooting of note to happen in the United States. By the time that you read this, it could be pretty far down the list of recent ones. There is no humor in my last sentence and I take no pleasure in typing that sentence, since it’s probably going to be accurate.

Every single time a mass-shooting happens in this country, ther same conversations start. One side says it’s time for action to prevent more of these events. The other side says “now is not the time to politicize it.” And as they argue those two things back and forth, the conversation gets lost in the shuffle until another mass-shooting happens. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Another constant discussion when any sort of gun violence happens is how we should address mental health concerns and not worry about the guns. Well, yes, we should address mental health concerns. We should always address that. But, the fact that mental health issues are worldwide and mass-shootings are not also gets lost in the shuffle. A society that has access to the abundance of weapons of mass destruction (guns) will have significantly more mass destruction than a society without them. It’s a pretty simple fact.

Usually, the blog entries that I have the most difficulty writing are the ones about my own personal stories. In particular, the stories that are hidden deep in the back of my mind. The ones that I say that I’m starting to “scratch the surface” of and that I’ll “re-visit at a later time.” But, I’m really struggling writing with this entry. I was going to say that I’m not sure why, since gun related deaths have not impacted my close friends or family, but I think part of what has me so emotional about this topic is how easily this could impact the people that I care about. Not just my friends and family have kids or are teachers. But, anyone, since the American epidemic of mass shootings is not relegated to just schools.

Accidents happen all of the time. Some accidents have tragic results. We may be powerless to prevent those tragedies. Mass murders are tragic, but they’re not accidents. They can be prevented. In order to prevent them, action must be taken. Laws and regulations need to be passed and changed. We’re in the 21st Century and it’s time for society to evolve past the senselessness that doesn’t help anyone.

I don’t want there to be any more stories about Americans being shot to death in malls, places of worship, movie theaters, concerts, schools, or wherever. I didn’t specify “Americans” just now to proclaim any sense of patriotism for America, I did it because as the facts show, over and over again, America is the only place where this happens, over and over again.

Our indifference to human beings getting killed for no reason whatsoever is, quite honestly pathetic. Change has to happen. For the sake of humanity.

Refill the Porous Shell With Words That Mean So Many Things.

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I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” 2021 was a year. It happened. For the most part, I enjoyed it. There’s truly very little about the year that personally went too badly for me. Not all of it was perfect, but it didn’t suck.

I did have some health concerns earlier in the year, but after a few visits to some doctors, those concerns were alleviated. My gratitude for my health insurance has never been higher. I don’t know if I would have even asked any doctors about any issues if I thought things wouldn’t be covered by my insurance. And to be perfectly honest, I would not have been able to afford any of the tests that were done if I didn’t have my coverage. The first day alone would have financially broken me.

I managed to avoid COVID-19 for the entire year. Unfortunately, I know too many people that weren’t able to avoid it. I didn’t lose anyone to it, but I know some people that were pretty sick from it. I really hope to not have much to say about COVID-19 in my 2022 year-end blog entry.

At the end of last year, I spoke about how I didn’t run any 5k races in 2020 (for somewhat obvious reasons). I had hoped to get back on track (literally) in 2021, but that didn’t happen. Some races did happen in my area. But, I didn’t participate in any. I certainly wasn’t in good enough shape to compete in them. And while I’ve often said that finishing a race, regardless of my time, is an accomplishment to be proud of, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to have any finishes that wouldn’t upset me if I had competed. Which brings me to my next area of opportunity for 2022.

I’m ending 2021 at basically the same weight that I started it, which is heavier than I should be. I did get back to the gym a little bit during the year and I did workout a little bit, but I didn’t do enough. I know that. I am going to refocus my efforts to getting myself back into somewhat good shape in 2022 and hopefully, I’ll lose the weight that I wasn’t able to lose during 2021 (and 2020). I’m basically going to start at the beginning again of a workout program and go from there. I’m not able to start off where I was. I need to get myself back to that point and then beyond it.

And speaking of workouts, each and every year that I write this year-end entry, I lament my inability to have ever done a Black Crow pose during a DDP Yoga session. This year, I can proudly report that I did one well enough that I think I would be given credit for doing it successfully. Granted, it was only once, but I can no longer say that I’ve never done it.

Another goal that I miss every year is my goal of reading 12 books during the year. I got through 7 in 2021. I started 8. I’ll finish that 8th in a few days. I will try for 12 (or more) again in 2022. I really do enjoy reading, but I don’t seem to find the time to commit to it, which gets more and more difficult every year as I get more and more responsibilities and other things happening.

If there’s anything that is drastically different for me at the end of 2021 is that I now have 20/15 distance vision. I had LASIK done during the year and I no longer need glasses to see things far away. It’s made my driving, watching a baseball game in person, and attending movies experiences a bit different and better. I do need reading glasses now, which I’m wearing as I’m typing this. The LASIK basically reversed my vision. I no longer need help seeing things in the distance. But now, I can’t see things that are directly in front of me. That’s ironic, because some people have been accusing me of that for years.

Financially, whether I’m better off than I was one year ago is debatable. My bank account is about 1/3 of what it was at the end of 2020. However, I didn’t do much in 2020. I didn’t go on many long drives. I didn’t go to many concerts or events. I also didn’t start financing my LASIK surgery or my new laptop in 2020. In 2021, I did attend concerts and sporting events. I did go on a few long drives. I did start the aforementioned financings. I also had the pay for one of my job responsibilities get reduced due to the significant decrease in time needed to dedicate to the position. However, I also do make more now in my base salary than I did one year ago. So, there’s no complaining about my finances for 2021.

In some ways, I really feel that I became more comfortable with myself during the year. I’ve really started to appreciate a lot of things that I didn’t before. In many cases, those things are simple things that I like. And it really is simple. It bring me joy, I appreciate it. Those things are as simple as my social networking routines, my TV watching habits, or even the podcasts that I listen to. But, I also really do appreciate the relationships that I have. I’ve made a few new friends during the year, and I’m grateful for that.

In an early 2021 blog entry, I mentioned that there may be an “Easter Egg” hidden throughout all of my 2021 entries. I was able to pull that off. I’m not going to reveal what that is yet. There was one very specific thing that all of the entries has in common. I will offer the old-school Marvel Comics No-Prize to whoever figures it out.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2022 to be better than my 2021. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s achievable. But, I think it’ll require a bit more effort than I put forth in 2021. I hope to be able to things during the year. I hope that the Pandemic ends. I want to not have to worry about that any more.

But, to answer the question that I asked at the beginning of this entry, “am I better off than I was one year ago?” Honestly, yes. I really think that I am. I hope that I’m able to say the same thing again next year.

That Joy You Need, Restricted By One Thought.

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As I was laying on an MRI table this afternoon, there was a lot going through my mind. And it wasn’t just the radioactive chemicals that had just been injected into my system. I had a lot of time to think while needing to be still for between 10 to 15 minutes. And the fact that I was on that table on the date that I was on it, made those thoughts a little more impactful.

Today happens to be the anniversary of the date that I lost my mother. I’m not going to discuss that too much here since I have before, and you can read that by clicking here. But, as I was on that table today, I was very much aware that the majority of doctors that I had spoken to over the past few weeks had told me that there probably isn’t anything to worry about, but we should check stuff out anyway. The reason that I brought my mother into this entry isn’t just due to the date, but because she refused to see doctors and who knows how things may have been different if she had seen any.

The reason that I was having tests done today is that I didn’t feel right for a few weeks. I never had any pain, but I had enough discomfort to know that something wasn’t right. I also had a slight shortness of breath at times, but this was a shortness of breath that felt different than if I had been exercising. As I said, things just didn’t feel right. So, out of an abundance of caution, I called my doctor. After the initial exam, it was suggested that I go to an emergency room “at some point soon.” After going to the emergency room the next day and having all of my tests there come back good, it was suggested that I see a cardiologist “at some point soon.” The cardiologist examined me and said “I don’t think we’re going find anything wrong,” but let’s schedule some tests just to be sure.

I took a lot of comfort in the lack of urgency from any of the doctors that I talked to. But, I know that heart issues do run in my family. My dad’s had some issues, and his dad did as well. I’ve already said that my mother did not go to doctors. So, I’m going to learn from the examples of both of my parents and get myself checked out.

When I started this process a little over a week ago, I told someone that I don’t know if I would have done any of this if I didn’t have the great health insurance that I have thanks to my job. I would probably have genuinely been afraid that whatever tests were done (and whatever the aftermath would be) would have been too expensive for me to deal with. The fact that anyone has those thoughts is awful. Nobody should have to put off getting themselves checked by doctors due to financial concerns. But, it’s a reality for a lot of people. The amount of money that my emergency room visit a few weeks ago costs is an amount that I would not have been able to pay just two or three years ago. But, luckily for me, I don’t have to pay anything more than my co-pay.

I’ve noticed how much less stressed that I am over the past two years than I was before. The fact that I have a job that pays me more than I’ve been paid before and that I have great health insurance is part of that. This may sound like an exaggeration, but for a little while, I was working basically so I could afford to get back to work. I would be able to go out and do things every once in a while, but almost every time had me spending my last dollars to do so. I’m in a much more comfortable financial position right now and it’s definitely helped my mental state. Money may not buy happiness, but having enough money to not worry about if I’ll be able to put enough gas in my car to get to work (and not needing to look at your bank account numbers to confirm it) is quite a relief.

I know that some of you have never had the concerns about money and health that I’m talking about in this entry, and I’m slightly envious of that. But, those concerns are quite real, and not just for me. There’s way too many people on the planet that will die because they don’t see doctors. The fact that some people can’t afford to see doctors should enrage you. Being able to afford health care should not be a bigger concern than the reason that someone is seeking that care. You can’t say that people have a right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” if the “life” part isn’t taken care of.

Getting back to my exam from earlier today. Again, there doesn’t seem to be any concern from doctors that I’ve spoken to. But, the way I’m looking at it now is that maybe today I found out what’s not wrong. I may need to see more doctors if my discomfort continues. Well, to be more accurate, if it returns. Ironically, since I’ve started seeking help with this, my symptoms haven’t really shown up. Naturally, why would they? But, I’m in a position to be able to get myself checked out and not worry about it. I’m lucky.

Today’s date reminds me of loss. The past year has shown me a lot as well. As we’ve been locked down with not much to do because of a Pandemic, I’ve really learned to appreciate things a bit more. Now, we’re starting to get back to “normal.” I am fully vaccinated. I have begun re-integrating myself into society and I’m grateful that I’m able to do that. I try my best not to take anything for granted. I’m in a good place right now. I’m able to enjoy myself. I’ve learned that I don’t NEED to go out to concerts or sporting events to have fun. I don’t NEED to be in an in-person gathering of friends to enjoy their company. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to do all of those things again.

As I look past, I appreciate history. As I look forward, I appreciate opportunity. As I look at today, I just appreciate things in ways that I never have before. It’s a good thing. I hope it lasts.

I Raise a Sunken Smile.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I’m still in a bit of the malaise that I talked about during last month’s post. But, I’m taking steps to improve my situation. I don’t usually start off a post by immediately continuing the theme from the previous month. Who am I kidding? Almost all of my posts from this time last year were about how I’ve done very little because of the COVID-19 Pandemic. And that’s going to be my topic this month, but a little bit different from my previous posts.

We’ve all be dealing with this Pandemic for over an entire year now. Some of deal with it by being socially distant. Some of us deal with it by wearing masks. Some of us deal with it by staying away from people as much as possible. That’s basically been my year. It’s been easy and difficult at the same time. But, I’m dealing with it. I’m doing this for the well being of every single person that I care about. Some people very important to me recently let their guard down ever so slightly and ended up with positive COVID cases in their household. It’s that easy for this to keep going.

But, here he are. One year in. It’s been a long and winding road. We’re not at the “light at the end of the tunnel” yet, but I believe that we’re in the tunnel. I have received both my two COVID vaccination shots and in just a few more days, I should be fully “good to go.” However, since we’re not 100% certain if I may still be able to transmit COVID from one person to another, I will still be doing my part to stop the spread. I won’t be as social as I was before. But, then again, I wasn’t very social before.

As much as I have enjoyed my solitude over the past year, and honestly, I have made the best of it, I want this to be over. I want the option of doing things and not having to worry about COVID. I very much used to wearing a mask for much of my day, but I look forward to the time when I don’t have to. And before any of you start with the “You don’t have to now” crap, let me make this very clear. Yes, I have to. I have to because it’s the right thing to do for myself and for you.

I will be returning to the gym in a few weeks. I look forward to being to use treadmills and ellipticals. I look forward being to able to do some things that I haven’t done in over a full year. I know that I’ll be required to wear a mask while at the gym, but I’m okay with that.

There’s other things that I hope to be able get to do over the next few months. Maybe I’ll able to get them done. But, more than anything else, I just want things to be better. I want them to be better for me and I want them to be better for you. Me wearing a mask, getting a vaccination, and staying socially distant is me making an effort to make things better for you.

But, as far as making things better for me. I have a vision of how I want things to be for myself. The key word there is vision. I’m not going to say more about that right now. Some people may know what I’m talking about, but I won’t discuss specifics yet.

A few times over the past year I’ve mentioned part of what ruined my motivation to get myself into better shape was that there were no 5ks for me to run. I had planned to run at least 8 of them in 2020 and they were all canceled. Well, now it’s just about the time of year when I would be getting myself ready for my racing season to begin, except there’s still no races. But, I’m hoping to get out there and train as if there are races in my calendar. I need to do that. I need to get myself in shape again. I know that I will face some mental blocks along the way with this, but I’m going to do my best to get past those and just keep going forward. Hopefully, I’ll be going forward quick enough that I’ll be completing 3.1 miles in 30 minutes or less. We’ll see how that plays out.

I’ve never liked the word “normal.” I’ve gone into that before. What’s “normal” for me may not be “normal” for you. But, I want to be able to return to the sense of “normalcy” that I had before the COVID Pandemic. As much as I have enjoyed my #PandemicLife “normal,” I don’t think it’s fulfilling enough for me. And now that a decent amount of people in my social circle are vaccinated, or will be soon, I think returning to the old “normal” may be something that could be possible soon.

We’re not there yet. But, we’re closer than we were. Progress is good. Let’s keep moving forward and let’s bring as many of us with us as we possibly can.

An Archaic Way of Thinking, So Monstrous and Absurd.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

If I publish an entry that is blatantly political, I know that a vast majority of my few regular readers will just skip over the post. This entry is going to deal with some issues that are in the news and are linked to politics. I’m going to do my best to stay away from directly referencing political aspects of it, while attempting to make sense of things that, to me, don’t make sense. I’m also going to try to explain how I got to the point that I’m at with my own beliefs.

I’m a middle-aged white male. That means that there’s a lot of things that I don’t need to worry about. I don’t need to be concerned with whether or not I have access to birth control (pills, abortion, etc). I don’t need to worry about not being paid equally because of who I am. I don’t need to worry about being profiled and harassed based on the color of my skin. I am someone that has White Privilege.

White Privilege does not mean that I don’t need to work hard to advance in life. And it doesn’t mean that non-whites get by with hand-outs. It just means that I have a head start, based on who I am. White Privilege doesn’t mean that I won’t get pulled over for speeding. It means that I’m more likely to not be harassed for doing it. But, this post is not about my White Privilege.

Throughout the 40+ years that I’ve been alive, I’ve been picked on, made fun of, insulted, harassed, and even beaten up. I deserved none of that, but often I thought that I must have deserved it. Sometimes I felt scared to go to school. I didn’t want to tell my parents or my teachers about what was happening to me because I was afraid of retaliation. I never acted out or really fought back, because I was always afraid of consequences.

How many times have we heard stories about a high school kid that shoots his classmates? How many times have we heard stories about a high school kid that dies by suicide? In many cases, both of those horrible actions are the result of someone being treated like I was in school.

Beaten down. Figuratively, literally, emotionally, mentally. How much can one person take before there’s a breaking point? Imagine yourself in my shoes in high school. It wasn’t pleasant for me.

I was one person. I was afraid. I felt that I was nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I had a few bad experiences with some teachers and counselors. They made me feel that I was at fault. I was told that I was lazy. I was told that I didn’t work hard enough. They failed to address what my real problems were. They didn’t do anything to solve or even help me get past those problems and they certainly never held anyone accountable for what was done to me, even if they witnessed it.

Now imagine that an entire community of people that go through the same thing. Imagine that community is treated like they don’t belong with “the rest of us.” Imagine that people in that community are constantly threatened and harassed by the people in charge. Imagine that people that are supposed to protect that community are seen as threats instead of help. Imagine that when something goes wrong for that community that nobody assists them, and instead they’re constantly told that they’re at fault and deserve what’s happened to them.

What I vaguely described in the paragraph above is how I see issues facing the Black Community in the United States. It’s also why I empathize with them. I’ve been the person that’s felt how they feel. Just so it’s clear, I am by no means trying to make the comparison of my personal struggles with Blacks in America. I would diminishing them if I did that. I’m just trying to say that I understand.

In the past few months, we’ve seen more and more stories about Black Americans being shot, beaten, and harassed by authority figures. We’ve seen others in positions of power not step up to help, and in many cases, criticize them for being upset about what’s happened to them, and how they’re handling it.

Like the scenarios that I described earlier about the high school kids that snap and do somethings drastic, that’s where the Black Community in America is now. They’re that beaten down person that has had enough and is lashing out.

When your pleas for help are constantly ignored, you lash out. When you’ve always been treated like you don’t matter, you may not know what to do. When you have no way to improve your situation because there isn’t a system in place to help you, what can do you do?

I already know how some people will react to this post. I know how some people may criticize me for making the comparison that I’ve made. I know how some people believe that one side of the political aisle has done more damage (or more to help) to blacks than the other. To be honest, none of that really matters right now. To me, the issue is simple. The issue that we can say that all people have the same chances and opportunities in the United States, but that’s not true. It’s never been true. White males have always had an advantage and have made the rules. Those rules don’t benefit everyone else as much as they benefit themselves.

I’m doing my best to not turn this into an us vs. them post. I don’t want to get into politics here, but I know that what I’m going to say in the next few sentences is going to spark a certain response from some.

There was a time that I wouldn’t say “Black Lives Matter.” I felt it was silly to say that people are equal and then separate anyone, so I wrote someone on one of my social media pages about how we should all say “All Lives Matter.” I saw who was agreeing with me, and who wasn’t. The “Black Lives Matter” people were people whose opinions that I usually agree with and I thought I was agreeing them in my reasoning, but it looks like I didn’t get it yet.

Without publicly stating it, I did change my views on that. But it wasn’t until the George Floyd story happened when I first started publicly stating “Black Lives Matter.” I even wrote a retraction of my original post from a few years earlier. I really have no concept of time in 2020, so I don’t know exactly when I came to the realizations that I did, based on the comparisons that I spoke of in this entry, but I’m glad that I did.

I am an advocate for Mental Health Awareness. My experiences in that area over the past few years, and from what I’ve learned about myself and others, really has made me much more empathetic. I don’t want anyone to feel as bad about themselves as I have at times.

This entry isn’t as cohesive as maybe it should be. To be honest, even though this is something that I’ve given a lot of thought to, I didn’t plan to write this today. I didn’t come up with an outline for it. I actually had another entry half written before I even started this.

In my entries, I’ve often said that we need to do better. And we really do. “We” means all of us. Society continues to leave people behind. WE have to stop that. The people that believe and proudly say “All Lives Matter” need to do more to make that true. Because until Black Lives Matter, not All Lives Do.