Category Archives: finances

To Vanish for Life and Promise to Stay.

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Just two months ago, I wrote an entry about the gratitude that I have for friendships. It touched on a few other things, but the inspiration for that entry was a brief conversation with a friend that I knew through running local 5k races. A few weeks ago, I read a post on Facebook that stated that 5k friend had died. I was (and still am) crushed. He had a heart attack at the very start of a race and that was it. That was a not so subtle reminder of how quickly everything can change.

I’ve definitely had my share of loss. I battle depression. I have anxieties. I’ve been dealing with all of that for years. Being down for so long and not having much to show for anything has made me appreciate so much of what I do have. I have so much gratitude for being here. I have gratitude for the things that I do. I have gratitude for my friends. I’m just very grateful. Perspective keeps me grounded, I believe. But, as obvious by what I said at the start of this entry, bad things can happen. And also, as I’ve often said in entries, it’s another reminder to “enjoy every sandwich” and take nothing for granted.

At one point last year I was at a Professional Wrestling show. I was talking about how grateful I was for the privilege of being gifted those seats and how surreal things can be in my life at times. I was then reminded that both of the people that both of the people that I was attending with could very well have not been there. To be clear, that doesn’t mean that they could have not attended. It means that they had both had scares over the year or so before and may not be with us anymore. I felt silly for being happy about expressing my gratitude for complimentary tickets, since in the grand scheme of things, that wasn’t the important aspect of that moment.

I’ve made jokes about my quest for balance and how I often achieve that by having major setbacks just as something really good happens. A good case being my new car two years ago. I just got a promotion and a significant pay increase. My car broke down very soon after that and I needed to get a new one. And there went my extra income. I’m very much aware of how much better off I am now with the new car. However, I don’t have the extra money.

Life, in general, is full of things like this. It seems that no matter how close I get to goals, something backfires somewhere. I’ve been proverbially under water for most of my life. And to make it worse, I can’t swim. But, I digress. I’ve been under water. Very often I see the life raft and I reach for it, but just as it’s within reach, I’m pulled back down.

My instinct is to shut down. My instinct is to make myself uncomfortable. My mind tells me that I deserve the suffering. My mind tells me that this is how it’s supposed to be. I know that isn’t the right way to do things. My overall shift from misery to gratitude has done wonders for me. I know that I’m so much better off (mentally and emotionally) than I’ve ever been. And yet, I’m still in the same place.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve made bad choices. I’ve also made some very good choices. In the very near future, I may have to make some difficult choices. I may need to make some big changes. As much gratitude as I have for all that I have, could I have more? Would having more in some places mean having less in others? I don’t know. How much time do I have to get things right if all I’m doing is trying to get them right? Will they ever be right? How perfect do I need things to be?

I think the path I’m on, while often a rollercoaster with lots of detours, roadblocks, and traffic stops, has led me to a fork in the road. There are various directions this can go. I want to be able to enjoy every sandwich and be successful. Perhaps I just need to modify my concept of what all of that means.

I’ll Rephrase My Cry, For I Would Keep on Wondering the Rest of My Life.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back as the 49th anniversary of my birth is just days away.

This upcoming birthday is a tough one for me. It’s the last one before the big “five o.” For the past few years, I’ve seen myself as being on a roller coaster slowly heading towards 50. And, I’m heading towards the last descent to it. That particular age milestone is on the horizon. I feel this reflective entry may be deeper than others I’ve made.

If I compare myself to where I was at this point last year, it’s a bag of mixed results. I was in a weird emotional place last year. I faced things that I’ve never faced before. I don’t want to face them again. I’m financially better off, in the sense that I make more money than I have before. I’m financially the same in the sense that my expenses don’t go down and I have trouble saving anything.

My weight has blown up to the highest that it’s ever been. I am very much aware of that. I know that as we get older, it is much more difficult to lose weight. Getting in shape also becomes harder. I’ve made good progress before and I WILL make good progress there again. It requires a lot more dedication and effort than I’ve ever put in before. It will need some lifestyle changes. I’ve been taught the lessons. I just need to put things in practice (again) and good results will happen.

Sometimes I wonder if my overall progress in life is stunted by emotional trauma. Can I not move past things into new chapters because I’m too scared to do it? Some of you may find this difficult to believe, but I do sometimes overthink things. Sometimes, a lot. I usually convince myself that I will fail if I do things differently.

One of the things that I’ve attempted over the course of the past year is to be more mindful. I’ve attempted daily (guided) meditation. I say “attempted” because I can’t shut my mind up when I do it. It drifts often. I don’t get too discouraged. The guides often say, “if you’ve drifted, now is a time to come back.” The truth of the matter is that I do enjoy my effort here. I feel that it’s helping me.

I’ve always had difficulty thinking about my future. This may go back to the trauma thing. I can’t picture what my life will be. I’ve only been able to see what it is and what it was. There’s been some change there as I’ve recently been able to see what I don’t want my life to be. If that makes sense. It does to me. That’s a good thing, right? I know what I don’t it to be. I just have to make sure to not end up where I don’t want to be. I believe that’s a step in the right direction.

I had planned to reference my first full length entry on this site during the course of this one. I will do so. When I went back in the archive, I looked at THE very first entry. I think it sums up the previous paragraph pretty well. Although, after reading it I wonder if I’ve made any progress in life. Am I overthinking all of it by saying that? Or, is it possible that the previous paragraph shows that I’m finally getting there?

The first full length entry that I did on here was called Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance. I published it just over 13 years ago. I’m still pursuing that balance. I’ve often joked that the balance is that I’ll be thriving in some parts of life while suffering in others. I wish that was less of a reality than I perceive it to be. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.

After reading that entry, I’ve realized that I didn’t discuss some things that I said I would. But, I digress.

Earlier this year I started reading a book about time management. It’s a really short book. The irony that I haven’t finished this book isn’t lost on me. But, I did get some valuable lessons from it. The one lesson that stood out is the importance of taking time for myself. Not in a selfish way, but to make sure that my needs are met and not to put sacrifice “me time” for work that can be done later. That doesn’t mean that I should procrastinate. It means that I should do those things when I can. I’m trying really hard to abide by that. It’s a difficult task at times.

I have said things that imply that I have doubts about the direction of my life. However, I assure you that it’s just due to my instinct. This instinct is due to the programming of my mind. I do believe that I’m heading in a good direction. I’m heading towards a life where I could get the encouragement that I’ve lacked, the fulfilment that I’ve never had, and the happiness that (dare I say) I deserve.

How do I get there? How does the impending milestone birthday next year fit in to this? Is 50 THE time to finally make these things happen? Is it the mile marker in which I decide if my life is a success or not? Life and time move so fast. They both seem to move so much faster as we get older. Earlier I said that I’m on the descent to 50. What if I’m not? What if the roller coaster that I’m on is actually climbing towards a peak? What if this isn’t a valley? What if I am actually rising?

Does it sound like I’m trying to convince you or myself of the possibilities? Both are probably true. Either way someone could believe it and it could end up being me.

My biggest hope right now is that when I write my entry one year from now, while I’ll be days away from 50 is that I look back at this one and say that I did believe in me. I want to be able to say that there’s obvious positive change and obvious progress. Time may be moving quicker, but there’s time to make it happen. I have work to do. We know the work is SO important.

I’m going to do it.

Don’t Waste Your Time Or Time Will Waste You.

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This entry is about time. What does that mean? Maybe you should take the time to find out.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “time” as “A finite extent or stretch of continued existence, as the interval separating two successive events or actions, or the period during which an action, condition, or state continues.” Based on that definition, we’re all clear on what it is, right? Okay. So, I don’t need to continue with this entry, do I?

I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How much do I spend? How much do I waste? Do I have enough? I think the same questions about money, but unlike money, once time is spent, it’s gone. It cannot be replenished. The thing about time is once it’s gone, it’s gone. Can we add to it? How? I can make more money, can I make time? Much like money, time is a commodity. But, that’s really all that they have in common. How we spend our time is very important. We need to make the most of it, but how? That’s the big question, isn’t it?

It may be redundant to say that time can seem like an eternity. I’m proud of that last sentence, but I digress. While it may seem like an eternity at times, it also goes by so quickly. And it seems to speed up as we get older. And let’s not forget that 2020-2022 Pandemic times when every day seemed to blend together.

Does time exist? Much like everything else that governs our lives, time is a man made concept. 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. Between 28 and 31 days in a month. 12 months in a year. Some years have 365 days, some have 366. For a certain period of time during the year, we set our clocks back to extend our availability to daylight. If I fly from my most local airport on the East Coast of the United States to an airport on the West Coast, I will have traveled through three different time zones. How is any of this possible? Am I a Time Lord? No, it’s just because time is made up.

When I was a kid, I remember a character on a local radio show (which I’ve later learned was a syndicated character sold to various radio stations, but I digress… again) who would state “Time is a waste of time. Time is the enemy!” Is time a waste of time? What constitutes wasting time? If I sit around and relax or rest, am I not using the most of my time? Is it wrong to see that as saving up energy for a later time?

I’ve taken too much time (which is open to interpretation) reading a book about time management. I think that I’ve learned some valuable lessons from that book. Although, it could be argued that by taking so long to read it, I haven’t learned anything, but once again, I digress. We put such value on our personal time, and we should. But, we’re more likely to cut our personal time than our work time. We’re so afraid to not finish every bit of work that we have to get done that we don’t maximize our down time. And way too often, we use our down time, our relaxation time, just to prepare to spend more time doing non-leisure things.

Earlier, I asked how do we make the most of our time? What does that mean to you? It means something different to everyone. On many days, I’ll feel like I’ve made the most of my time by getting a lot accomplished, be it work or leisure. Yes, being completely caught up on Days of Our Lives or reading comic books counts as getting stuff accomplished. And of course, the logo of Days of Our Lives is an hour glass, which is used to measure time. So, of course it ties in here. Yes, you guessed it, another digression.

We know that we cannot replenish time. We’re always running out of time. Is that why we rush through things? Is that why we don’t “take our time?” What does it mean to waste time? How can we make up time? How much time have I spent thinking about this? How much time has it been since I started writing this entry? How much time was spent being distracted by my parrots calling for me or my need to get laundry done? Why does laundry always take up so much time? How does anything take “too much time” when time isn’t a real thing, but only a concept?

I think we’ve been wondering about things like this since the beginning of time. But, when did time begin? How did time begin? Does it really end? Is there really such a thing as the beginning of time or the end of time?

If we can’t go backwards in time, once the past has passed, why does it linger?

My subscription to Time recently lapsed. That’s the magazine, not the concept of time.

How much time do any of us spend just thinking about time? How much time does it take to get something done? How much time have we spent doing this or doing that? How long will it take to cook dinner? How much time will I save if I use the microwave? What if we don’t have enough time to cook something? We can just order something and have it delivered. And you know what? It’ll take about the same amount of time that it would have for you to cook something.

I’ve put a lot of time and thought into this entry. My guess is that you’ll save time by skimming through it or not reading it at all. But, I do appreciate the time that you’ve spent even thinking about reading this. I hope you appreciate the time that I put into writing it. Until next time.

We are not there yet. We have not evolved. We have no respect. We have lost control.

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In last month’s post, I discussed how much I can’t stand bullies. I also talked about how the current American President is a bully. I’ve continued to see him act as a bully. I almost discussed how much I can’t stand intolerance and bigotry. I’ve seen more intolerance and bigotry.

I’ll be completely honest, I have no idea what to write here today. Based on what I’ve seen on the news over the past week, I’m at a loss for words. I’ve witnessed the American president lying about easily provable facts. Other countries’ leaders have corrected him. He then continues with the lie. I’ve watched as the United States of America sides with Russia and North Korea in refusing to condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. I’m stunned into silence.

I enjoy history and politics. I wish that I had enjoyed history in high school as much as I do now. Yet, that’s neither here nor there. I read a lot about American history. I like watching documentaries about it. I like listening to podcasts and discussions about it. I think that I have a pretty good understanding of it. With that understanding of history comes an understanding of which policies are better for society and which are not. And with that comes the understanding of which sides proposes policies that are better for society and which side proposes policies that are good for the few.

I try not to use the words “Republican” and “Democrat” when I discuss policy because the parties have switched. Yes, it’s true that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and he freed the black slaves. Yes, it’s true that the founders of the KKK were Democrats. Those are indisputable historical facts. But, it’s important to understand how they’re almost irrelevant today based on the current political alignment of the two parties.

Teddy Roosevelt left the Republican party in the lead up to the 1912 Presidential Election. He took the majority of the progressive Republicans with him. They eventually started to side with the Democrats. By the time Franklin Roosevelt was President, the Democratic Party was almost all of the Progressives. The Civil Rights movement of the 1960s further prompted the shift. Conservative Democrats who were still around moved to the Republican party. This move (more or less) finished the switch.

When I registered to vote, I registered as an independent. I had the mindset of “I’ll always vote for the best person, regardless of political party.” And, I still think that’s the best concept to have. But, the concept isn’t as good as the reality. I am no longer and independent. And I’m proud to be registered as a Democrat. It’s increasingly more clear every day. This is especially true in the past few years. It’s the Left and the Democrats that do more for society.

A few years ago, I read (former Senator) Al Franken’s autobiography. I loved the book. Why wouldn’t I? It was about someone who was a Senator, a writer for Saturday Night Live, and someone whose opinions I basically agreed with and understood. He spoke very well about why he was a Democrat. He watched as Republican policies held people down. He spoke about how it was Progressive policies that helped family members of his get out of their financial struggles. He got it and he did his best to keep it going while in office.

I’m closing in 50 years of age. Many people in my generation are struggling with money. Very few Generation X married couples can survive on single income households, like our parents did. What’s different? Did our parents work harder? No, the economic balance switched. When our parents were growing up under the economy that Franklin Roosevelt set up after the Republican Great Depression (as it was originally called), the people who had the most money were taxed the most and the working class were taxed less and could provide for their families. When Ronald Reagan changed the tax system in 1981, he basically reversed it. The rich were taxed less and tax increases on the middle class were common.

Since 1981, there’s been more tax cuts for the rich and more tax increases on everyone else. It’s simple to see the impact that this has. Our infrastructure is crumbling. Our schools are failing. People cannot make ends meet. It doesn’t take a statistician to figure it out.

How does economy and Right vs. Left policies tie into the bullying and bigotry that I started with? All you have to do is look at what’s happening. The Right is in control at the moment. They’re using the power that they have to bully anyone that they feel is weaker than them. They’re using their power to bully minorities via policy and poverty. They’re using their power to push LGBTQ citizens back “into the closet.” And since the “leader of the free world” is the biggest and loudest bully out there right now, so many others feel emboldened by his words and actions.

The Left meanwhile, for over 100 years, has been trying to provide healthcare, equal rights, and economic stability.

We are not the same. I want nothing but the best for everyone. I don’t want people to feel less than. I don’t want people to be treated as less than. I want people to have equal rights, equal opportunities, and success. The only way to do that is with progress. And we’re currently going backwards. It’s not good. I haven’t lost hope. I’ve just become very discouraged. But, what I’ve learned about history shows me that I’m on the right side, the compassionate side. And eventually, it will be okay… at least, I hope so.

The Monolith of the New Day.

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I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.

I’ve taken my health seriously for a while. That really only meant that I’ve regularly had my annual physical for almost 15 years. I go to my dentist and eye doctor regularly. It wasn’t until 2024 when I really started to dig deeper.

I took a simple step by seeing a foot specialist. This was to address the pain in my left foot, particularly in my big toe. I even brought an extra left shoe. to the appointment to show the doctor how the soles get worn out on my left shoes. He took one look and knew exactly what my problem was. I have flat feet and collapses arches. I was given custom orthotics for my feet and it’s helped A LOT.

Another thing I did was going to a sleep specialist. From the study that they did, it was determined that I have sleep apnea and I had averaged 24.5 episodes per hour. To be clear, that meant in that study, I had stopped breathing 24.5 times on average, per hour, while sleeping. That sounds scary, right? I now use CPAP machine when I sleep and my episodes per hour have dropped to an average of 1.5. In so many of my entries here I’ve talked about my lack of energy. The sleep apnea was a BIG reason for my lack of energy. I was not getting a good night’s sleep, no matter how many hours I was in bed.

Like past years, I competed in a few 5k races. My results weren’t at the levels when I was at my best. But what is my best now? Is just finishing my best? Are my personal records out of reach? I don’t think there’s any shame in not being incapable of running as well as I did. It’s natural that my abilities have changed since I was in my late 30s. I’m now in my late 40s and the “Big Five O” is approaching somewhat quickly. However, I’m determined to compete in more races in 2025 than I did in 2024. I also aim to achieve better results than I did in 2024. How am I going to do this?

I am committing myself to my physical health in 2025. That means that I WILL drop the extra weight that I put on during the year. Unfortunately, that weight is what I had hoped to lose in 2024 and then-some. I’m going to make some healthier choices with food and drink. I’m going to re-commit myself to exercise via apps that I have, YouTube pages, and the gym. I’m going to do the work. The work is SO important.

It isn’t just my physical health that I’m committing to, it’s my mental health. Make no mistake, I’ve taken my mental health very seriously over the past few years. I’m VERY PROUD of the progress and decisions that I made about my mental health in 2024.

I’ve started using apps to check in every day about my mental health. I’ve begun attempting meditation. I say attempting, because I’m not good at it… yet. I’ve starting using card with affirmations to remind me of how good things are. Which leads me to the next thing that I want to discuss.

There’s also things I did not do this year. I felt it would be better for me to NOT participate in them. In the past, I would have said that quitting was just easier for me. Not partaking seemed more convenient. But I don’t see it that way now. I see it was me protecting myself from uncomfortable, awkward, and (most importantly) unhealthy situations.

As someone who has often had problems being optimistic about basically anything, I was always focused on what I don’t have. That mindset has changed a bit for me and now I really do focus on what I have. And I don’t just focus on that specific things, I’ve focused on the gratitude that I have for what I’ve been able to achieve and/or been allowed to achieve.

I was recently at an event. I discussed a specific moment of gratitude with someone very important to me. During that discussion, she pointed out something significant. I was attending that event with two people. These two individuals were close to death at various points over the past few years. She was right. It took my gratitude for all of it to a new level. I appreciate that amount of perspective. I’m glad that I have it. And the amount of gratitude that I have for her (on various levels) is huge.

In addition to things that I’ve already discussed, if there’s any “area of opportunity” in my life that I need to work on, it’s my finances. Like, the other things that I’ve discussed, I think that I have the tools at my disposal to make the necessary changes to get things back under control and to make a difference. Steps have already been taken to make it happen. I just need to do the work. And, as we know, the work is SO important.

Two things that I always mention in my end of year entry are my reading goals and a specific workout goal. I did not come close to my reading goal. I always want to read at least 12 books per year. I read 6. But, I read a few comic books too. Does that count?
The specific workout goal is my ability to do a Black Crow pose in the DDP Yoga workouts. According to what I’ve written, I managed to get one done in 2021. Still, I do know that I did it at least once in 2024, just not well. My new goal there is to be able to get it done and hold it for more than a second or two.

For some reason, I opened my 2014 end of year entry today and read it. I guess it didn’t hurt to see how I was feeling 10 years ago. My immediate thought was “wow, I haven’t changed much.” I did not like that perspective on it. I think I have. I think I’m in a much better place than I’ve been in a very long time, if not ever. I know that things aren’t perfect, but I also know that I have the tools at my disposal to make things better. I may not have all of the skills to get it all done on my own, but I don’t need to. I’m content. I’m not complacent. I’m grateful.

In my entry from this past June, I quoted a bunch of people. One was Philip Jack Brooks. His philosophy on life and when asked how he’s doing, he’ll reply “I woke up today.” He explained how that’s a good thing. He seems to have gratitude as well. I also talked about Warren Zevon and his “Enjoy Every Sandwich” outlook to life. I’ve used that one for a while. But, it seems to me that the various pieces of the happiness/gratitude puzzle are coming together for me better than they have before. Things are making sense.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2025 to be better than my 2024. I’m going to make a significant effort to see that through. It may be a difficult road at times, but I’m going to keep navigating forward. I don’t know where I’ll end up on that road. If I keep going on the path that I’m on, I believe that when I start writing my 2025 year-end entry, I will say, “I woke up today, I enjoyed every sandwich, and I appreciated every moment with every person.” If I can say that, the year will have been pretty good. And, I’ll be very grateful for that.

The Unseen Movie of this Life.

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There’s a lot of things that I don’t believe in and have never believed. But, the one thing that I’ve spent most of my life not believing in was myself. I’ve lacked confidence and I’ve had esteem issues. I’ve been put down. I’ve been doubted. Their doubts became my doubts. Their concerns became my reality.

In a recent entry, I spoke about “Dashboard Management” and the ability to work towards one’s goals. I think that I’m on a good path right now. I’m still not completely sure of the destination, but I think that the direction I’m going in is forward. And any forward momentum is good momentum.

I’ve recently added some mostly daily practices to help me achieve calmness and attempt to take a more mindful approach to things in life. I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt something could stress me out a bit and I’ve stopped to assess the situation and I’ve managed to calm myself down and not get anxious over it. I don’t know if I would have been capable of doing that even as recently as a few months ago.

During the course of this past month, I’ve accomplished something that I’ve flat out told people was not possible for me. I’ve said that there was no way that I could be ranked within the top 100 users of the DDP Yoga Now app. I just thought it was too much for me to handle to get there. At the beginning of the month, I saw that there were over 45,000 people using that app. Not only am I ranked AT 100 (at the time that I’m typing this), but I was 84 at one point during the month. And to be honest, as much work and effort as it took, it didn’t take as much as I thought. But, I did have to do the work. And as we’ve established, the work is SO important.

I don’t know when you’re reading this, but as of this moment, there’s about 13 hours until I run my next 5k race. It will be my 47th overall race. I don’t know well I’ll do in it compared to my others. The last two that I did were my slowest ones. I haven’t completed a 5k in under 30 minutes in almost six years. I do not expect to do so tomorrow. Is this not believing in myself? I don’t think so. I think it’s a matter of being realistic about my expectations. But, I am feeling good about the race, overall. So far.

I’m making changes. I’m doing things differently. I’m trying new things. I’m doing all of these things because not everything that I’ve done before has worked out so well. Not everything has been bad, but there’s been too many things that didn’t succeed as I would have wanted them to. Change is needed. I need to adjust my methods, my thinking, and my beliefs.

I don’t need to believe in myths, legends, stories, iconography, or fairy tales, I need to believe in me. It’s time for ME to believe that I’m capable. It’s taken me a long time to even start to understand any of this.

Why did I bring up the 5k specifically? Not just because it’s tomorrow, but because I’ve often said that no matter how well I do in one of those, even if my finish isn’t nearly as quick as I hoped it would be, ever single time that I cross a finish line, I’ve accomplished something. That means (in the case of 5ks) that I’ve succeeded 46 times. I have zero failures. I just have results that weren’t as fast as others. I put forth the effort and I get a result.

How do 5ks and everything else tie together? Belief. That’s how. I NEED to believe in me. In last month’s entry, I mentioned a quote from Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. Another quote that he likes to refer to is one from Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” For way too long, I’ve lived in a World of Can’t. It’s way past time for me to move into the World of Can, or at least a World of Can’t, yet.

It doesn’t matter where I’ve been and I will not be a slave to my previous mindset once again. Thinking one thing is one thing. Believing in it, is another. I’ve believed in nothing for too long. It’s time to believe in ME. And I think I’m getting there.

The Future of a Past Life.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back at the just about completed first 47 years of my life.

At this point last year, I had just received a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I was already starting to envision how much better my future could be because of that. And almost immediately after that happened, I NEEDED to get a new car. The 24 year old Chevy Blazer that I had was on its way out. As a result of how quickly it all transpired, I was unable to put any money aside and start saving for the eventual car purchase that I planned to make. And since I did make that car purchase without a lot of money put down in advance, a good amount of the my extra (compared to last year) money is going towards payments for the car and insurance. I’m not saying that the new car is a bad thing. I know how good it is. I’m better off with it, but because of it, I’m not really getting ahead financially.

Physically, I have some work to do. I started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I saw really good results with it. I don’t know what I’m doing differently now, but the results aren’t there. In fact, I’ve gained a bit of that weight back. I think it’s going to take a more disciplined approach for me to make this happen. And as I said, I have work to do. As the great philosophers Balle and Perlis have often said, “The work is SO important.”

In recent entries, I’ve talked about some of the steps that I’ve taken to improve my overall health beyond just my weight concerns. I’ve seen improvement with some of those aspects. Others are a work in progress and may always be a work in progress.

My mental health, in particular, has been tested recently. Due to some events, I felt some of the darker urges that I’ve dealt with at various points of my life. Often in my life, I’ve felt that I’ve deserved to suffer. That feeling doesn’t come up often and it’s never motivated me to do anything drastic, and I don’t think it ever will. But, the voice in my head will tell me that I do not deserve good things, success, happiness, or even simple joys. I’m glad to say that I’ve avoided any sort of mental punishment, other than the slight shame that I feel for eating an excessive amounts of potato chips over the past week. But, for the most part, I’m doing okay right now.

Getting back to the original concept of this entry, my life and where it is right now, I’ve given a lot of thought to things in life that scare me. My past scares me. My future scares me. My present is where I exist. Existing in the present isn’t a bad thing, or at least I don’t think it is. The past dictates how I do things. The future is where I end up. But what is my future? I’m trying to figure that out. Another philosopher, Aurelian Smith, Jr. famously said “My history is not my destiny.” I need to figure out how to make that true for myself. That will require work. And we know, the work is SO important.

I’ve given a lot of thought to perspective on life recently. Well, I think about that often, but even more so lately. There’s been a few things that have increased my need to have a good perspective on life. Another quote that helps me think about perspective comes from yet another philosopher, Phillip Jack Brooks from Chicago. He said when people ask him how he’s doing, he’ll simply say “I woke up this morning.” To paraphrase more of what he said, we only have chance at (life). Any day that we wake up is good, whatever good stuff that happens throughout the rest of the day is a bonus.

I know that not every day is going to go as well as we want it to. Some days can be incredibly difficult to get through, especially for those of us that are burdened with depression or other forms of mental illness. I have depression, some anxiety, probably some attention deficit disorder, and maybe other things that haven’t been diagnosed, fleshed out, and/or treated. I deal with it to the best of my ability. I’ve felt some added pressure due to some recent events. I’ve reached out to people. They’ve been supportive. In many cases, that’s all that someone needs. But, some may need more.

I don’t want this entry to be dark and I also don’t want it to be filled with one quote after another from people that I admire, but there’s more quotes to come. I know that I’ve used this one in entries before, and sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll do a social media post says nothing more than “enjoy every sandwich.” That quote comes from Warren Zevon. He had terminal cancer and knew that he was going to die from it. There was no way around it. David Letterman had him on as a guest and asked him if he had any new knowledge or wisdom about life as a result of his diagnosis, and one of the things that he said was “enjoy every sandwich.” To me, there’s no better perspective on life than something so simple.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” This quote (which will likely be the last one that I use in this entry) comes from a Gallifreyan Doctor. It’s another way of saying what I think the theme of this entry has become.

So, where am I? I’m someone that is scared by his past and his future. I do my best to enjoy the present. I’m aware of my fears. How do I deal with them? How do I overcome them? I do not have those answers. And believe it or not, that doesn’t scare me.

Thanks to the CPAP that I spoke to about in my most recent previous entry, I have the chance to get better sleep than I used to. That also means that I’ll potentially wake up with more energy than I’ve been used to having. So, not only will I wake up, but I’ll have more energy? Based on what I’ve said in this entry, I’m already ahead of the game. If I include something like a good sandwich (or maybe chicken wings) later in my day, I’m doing so well.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. My perspective on life is pretty good, I think. I still need to work on dedicating myself to find the motivation to do all of the work that I need to do so I can meet the goal of talking about how much better I am in one year. And through perspective thrust upon me by events in life, the rose colored hindsight glasses have shown me that things that may have been bad weren’t really as bad as I thought they were. They may not have been as good as I had liked, but they weren’t as bad. They’ve also shown me there’s a lot of work to do. But one day, I’ll wake up and I’ll see that the so important work has paid off. I may have an excellent sandwich that day. If that happens, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell in one year.

A piece of mail. A letterhead. A piece of hair from a human head.

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Perspective is a good thing. But, it’s not always easy to see that. I’ve had a few bad days in a row. But, have I really? A few things that are out of my control have impacted me. If you combine that with other things that were stressing me out, and you have me feeling like I’m on the verge of snapping. But, for what? I’ve had much worse days than the last few have been. I’ve encountered much worse scenarios than I’ve dealt with over the last few days. I like to remind myself of that.

At my job, I feel somewhat overworked at times, but I also know that it’s the best job that I’ve ever had. I’m paid better than I’ve ever been before. I have the best health benefits that I could hope for. The job is good. A day or two of a heavy workload isn’t a bad thing. And while I walked into work today a little bit on edge after dealing with a few days in a row that annoyed me, a co-worker told me that he’s heard people talking about how great my work ethic is. My mood changed a bit after that. In fact, that one brief conversation probably changed the entire course of my day and this blog entry.

My problems are my problems. They’re not yours. We all have unique situations, regardless of how similar they may be. I’m also a firm believer of someone having to feel what they need to feel in the moment. If you need to be sad, be sad. Get it out of your system. If you’re angry, be angry. Get it out of your system. It’s the best way to get through it, even if it’s only temporarily.

Looking back on my younger days when I thought that whatever I was going through was rough, I sometime laugh about how simple I had it back then. My younger self would be horrified to hear what the older version of me has gone through. That brings me back to the concept of perspective and how good it is to understand it. Just because my younger self went through things that seem trivial now, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t a big deal to me then.

So yeah, I’ve been stressed about various things recently. I haven’t been able to get nearly as much done as I would have liked to in the first month of the year. I feel like I’m always behind in my goals (at least the few that I seem to have). Playing catch-up is another thing that can cause me stress. I just have to remind myself that forward progress is forward progress. The speed of it may not be relevant.

I run 5k races from time to time. Or at least, I participate in them. The running part is debatable. But, I digress. Those races have taught me that starting something and finishing it is rewarding. Even my slower finishes (and most of my recent ones have been my slower ones) have me accomplishing something that I’m proud of. I think the point of this has something more to do with perspective.

I had no idea what I was going to write about when I started this. This process stressed me out a little bit today. I’ve committed myself to writing (at least) one entry per month and since I don’t do well with deadlines, that’s why there’s usually towards the very end of each month. But think about that, this little unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) task bothered me. Why? It’s about a goal. I like accomplishing them.

But, what goals do I have in life? I’m so far behind where most people of my age are. Should that bother me more? I’m aware of how much worse things could be for me than they are now. I’m also aware that they could be better. Should I focus on either of those perspectives?

Right now, at this very moment, I’m going to focus on wrapping up this entry. I’m then shortly after that, I’m going to wrap up my day. With any luck, I’ll get a decent amount of sleep. And from there, in the morning, I can start fresh. A new day. A new month. A new start.

Far Away From What’s Yesterday.

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I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.

I managed to get through 2023 without any health issues. I had my share of sinus related problems, as I always do, but that was it. I had started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I did really well with it for a while, but as it often happens with these things, I had a setback and I’ve put on some of the pounds that I had lost. One of my goals for 2024 is to not only lose all of the weight that I had gained, but to get to my actual goal weight, which I was closing in on during 2023. I was so close, yet so far.

As the world continues to open up to “normal” activities coming, a lot of local towns started having their 5ks again. Some are still skipping them and some just aren’t going to happen any more. I was able to compete in five of them during the year. None of the finishes during those races were my all-time slowest, but they were all some of my slowest. I’m not upset about that because it’s always a good thing when I finish a race, but I would like better results. That is a goal for 2024, and it ties together with the weight loss and fitness. And like many years, except 2021, I was not able to successfully do a DDPY Black Crow. Maybe I’ll put more effort into that as well.

Since I’ve enrolled in a book reading challenge, 2022 was the only year that I was able to meet my goal of reading 12 books or more during the calendar year. 2022 is still the only year that I’ve met that goal. I was only able to get 8 books completed in 2023. I’ll find ways to meet the goal in 2024.

Nothing stresses me out more easily or frequently than my financial situation. But, 2023 saw a change there that has alleviated some of the stress. In June, I was given a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I started to think of plans of what to do with the money. The plan was to save up to have enough to make a nice first payment on a new car. The car that I was driving was a 1999 Chevy Blazer that I had since July of 2000. I started with that car with 11,161 miles and ended with 268,331. Yes, it ended. The air conditioner in it died and I was told that it wasn’t worth fixing. So, my plan was thrown off and I had to scramble to get a new car, which I did. So, while I make more money, I’m making car payments now. I wasn’t completely prepared for it. But, while I’m able to afford it, it did set me back a bit. My number one goal is 2024 is to get my finances in order. I know that will require me to (possibly) cut back on some things. I often talk about balance. There’s usually a very big high in my life followed by a very big low. I don’t want that with my fiances in 2024. I just want balance. As in balanced books, accounts, etc.

My social life in 2023 was really good. Seriously good. And it wasn’t just good because of the people in my life, I think it was good because of my appreciation for things. I’ve really begun to appreciate my people a bit more. I think there’s various reasons for that, but overall, it was a very good year for me. And if you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of it. No matter how big or small of a part that you played.

So many times over the last few years, I said that my life had become surreal. It’s still quite surreal, but as I just said about my social life, I have such an appreciation for the surrealness. The surrealness is becoming part of my normal. I get to be a part of things that wouldn’t have seemed possible to me a few years ago. Now, I’m a part of so much and it’s amazing to me how much of I enjoy right now is directly from the 1990s. While that may cover a lot of ground, and I don’t have the time to get into specifics of it, since it would take a long time to type and I don’t want to bore anyone that bothers to read this. But, seriously, I can pinpoint various things from the early-mid 1990s and they’ve somehow led me directly to where I am today.

I’ve appeared in various music videos over the past two years. I’ve done backing vocals on an album. I’ve reconnected with friends. I’ve strengthened friendships. I’ve created new ones. I’ve really enjoyed it all.

And while on the subject of the 1990s, I started reading comic books again during the year. But, in order to not have more collections of things, I’ve been reading the digital versions, and I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying being back in that world again. Of course what I’ve been reading is mostly the new versions of stuff that I enjoyed in my younger days. But, it’s just so good to have it all be new again.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2024 to be better than my 2023. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s achievable. But, I think it’ll require a bit more effort than I put forth in 2023. I think the biggest motivation for me to put forth all of the necessary effort is that I’m pretty sure that I’m at the point (or beyond it, depending on your perspective of “norm”) where I have no choice. I need do to more to achieve more. When I look back one year from now, I hope to have good things to say about that. And moreso than other years, I think I’m in a good position to get it done. And, I think that I have more support and ability than I’ve had before. There’s 366 days in 2024. That gives me ONE MORE DAY to make it all happen.

Et Cetera is My Worst Enemy.

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There’s various ways to look at this, but I feel like my life’s always in a re-build mode. You could say that it’s good that I’m re-building something or you could say that it’s bad that I’m not on steady ground. I really don’t know which way that I should look at it. I doubt that I’ll have the answer by the time that I’m done writing this entry, but maybe by putting my thoughts out there in the world, I’ll have some clarity.

I know, without any question, that I’m so much better off than I’ve ever been. That IS a good thing. But, with every single step of progress that I make in life, there seems to be at least two backwards steps. I had a significant change with my job over the summer. With that change came a pretty decent increase in my salary. And less than one month after that increase came the NEED to get a new car. I had planned to put money aside for things and eventually look at cars. But, I literally had no time to do any of it. While the new car is good and I really like it, it’s a financial burden that I wasn’t quite ready for. So, no progress made.

I could go on and on about fiances. I’ve never been ahead. I’m usually just afloat. Any time that I have anything that I can call “extra money,” something happens and it’s gone. As I’ve said in many of my entries, this is not a “woe is me” story, nor am I trying to portray myself as a victim of anything. My situation is very common amongst my generation. I’m aware of that. I know how well I have it compared to others, and how much worse it could be. But, the lack of progress there really does weigh on me.

Another area in which I made some progress over the past year was my weight. In mid October of last year, I started a weight loss program that I really enjoyed. There were some great lessons in it. And I saw immediate results. I came very close to hitting my weight loss goal, but then I didn’t. I’ll get back to this in just a minute.

There’s a fitness program that I use. Progress is measured there in 13 week and monthly increments. I enjoy using this app. I enjoy each month when the rankings reset. I enjoy when I start a new 13 week cycle. However, very often in the middle of one or the other, I lose focus and give up. I’ll tell myself, it’s okay, I can start again when the next month starts. Yeah, I know, the old “the diet starts on Monday” line. I use it very often.

My mind’s self-destruct mechanisms are sometimes triggered by the scenarios that I just mentioned. It’s not just that I realize that goals won’t be met, it’s that I’ll do things that are completely contrary to the overall goal. For example, I know that I should eat healthier snacks/meals. But, it’s the last week of the month and I know that I won’t hit my goal. That’s when I won’t resist the donuts or the potato chips. I’ll binge on foods that I know I shouldn’t. And the enjoying of eating them doesn’t last as long as the shame does.

Spend less and eat better. It’s simple, right? No. It’s not. And I can’t explain it.

In what seems to be in another lifetime, I worked for a large retail chain. I remember them telling us about “dashboard management” to meet our monthly goals. The dashboard analogy meant that in order to get where you want to get, you have to know where you are. They didn’t say anything about a “self destruct” button if goals aren’t met.

The person that runs the fitness app that I use often adds the word “yet” any time anyone says that they can’t do something. “You can’t do that… yet.” If I applied the “yet” instead of the “self destruct,” I could conceivably have better results.

So, what’s holding me back? Is it time? Is it money? Is it fear? Am I capable of meeting goals? Am I afraid to meet them? As I’ve said, no matter how much progress that it appears that I make, I seem to never get closer to the goal. Is the goal moving? What can I do to fix it? Can I fix it?

I’m sure some of you reading this think that the answers to these problems are very simple. They probably are. Can I achieve more if I do less? I don’t know. There’s more questions than answers. Eventually, I would like to know the solution. The only thing that I know for sure is that a new month starts tomorrow and I have to keep moving forward, even if I’m not getting very far.