Category Archives: Life

Don’t Waste Your Time Or Time Will Waste You.

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This entry is about time. What does that mean? Maybe you should take the time to find out.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “time” as “A finite extent or stretch of continued existence, as the interval separating two successive events or actions, or the period during which an action, condition, or state continues.” Based on that definition, we’re all clear on what it is, right? Okay. So, I don’t need to continue with this entry, do I?

I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How much do I spend? How much do I waste? Do I have enough? I think the same questions about money, but unlike money, once time is spent, it’s gone. It cannot be replenished. The thing about time is once it’s gone, it’s gone. Can we add to it? How? I can make more money, can I make time? Much like money, time is a commodity. But, that’s really all that they have in common. How we spend our time is very important. We need to make the most of it, but how? That’s the big question, isn’t it?

It may be redundant to say that time can seem like an eternity. I’m proud of that last sentence, but I digress. While it may seem like an eternity at times, it also goes by so quickly. And it seems to speed up as we get older. And let’s not forget that 2020-2022 Pandemic times when every day seemed to blend together.

Does time exist? Much like everything else that governs our lives, time is a man made concept. 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. Between 28 and 31 days in a month. 12 months in a year. Some years have 365 days, some have 366. For a certain period of time during the year, we set our clocks back to extend our availability to daylight. If I fly from my most local airport on the East Coast of the United States to an airport on the West Coast, I will have traveled through three different time zones. How is any of this possible? Am I a Time Lord? No, it’s just because time is made up.

When I was a kid, I remember a character on a local radio show (which I’ve later learned was a syndicated character sold to various radio stations, but I digress… again) who would state “Time is a waste of time. Time is the enemy!” Is time a waste of time? What constitutes wasting time? If I sit around and relax or rest, am I not using the most of my time? Is it wrong to see that as saving up energy for a later time?

I’ve taken too much time (which is open to interpretation) reading a book about time management. I think that I’ve learned some valuable lessons from that book. Although, it could be argued that by taking so long to read it, I haven’t learned anything, but once again, I digress. We put such value on our personal time, and we should. But, we’re more likely to cut our personal time than our work time. We’re so afraid to not finish every bit of work that we have to get done that we don’t maximize our down time. And way too often, we use our down time, our relaxation time, just to prepare to spend more time doing non-leisure things.

Earlier, I asked how do we make the most of our time? What does that mean to you? It means something different to everyone. On many days, I’ll feel like I’ve made the most of my time by getting a lot accomplished, be it work or leisure. Yes, being completely caught up on Days of Our Lives or reading comic books counts as getting stuff accomplished. And of course, the logo of Days of Our Lives is an hour glass, which is used to measure time. So, of course it ties in here. Yes, you guessed it, another digression.

We know that we cannot replenish time. We’re always running out of time. Is that why we rush through things? Is that why we don’t “take our time?” What does it mean to waste time? How can we make up time? How much time have I spent thinking about this? How much time has it been since I started writing this entry? How much time was spent being distracted by my parrots calling for me or my need to get laundry done? Why does laundry always take up so much time? How does anything take “too much time” when time isn’t a real thing, but only a concept?

I think we’ve been wondering about things like this since the beginning of time. But, when did time begin? How did time begin? Does it really end? Is there really such a thing as the beginning of time or the end of time?

If we can’t go backwards in time, once the past has passed, why does it linger?

My subscription to Time recently lapsed. That’s the magazine, not the concept of time.

How much time do any of us spend just thinking about time? How much time does it take to get something done? How much time have we spent doing this or doing that? How long will it take to cook dinner? How much time will I save if I use the microwave? What if we don’t have enough time to cook something? We can just order something and have it delivered. And you know what? It’ll take about the same amount of time that it would have for you to cook something.

I’ve put a lot of time and thought into this entry. My guess is that you’ll save time by skimming through it or not reading it at all. But, I do appreciate the time that you’ve spent even thinking about reading this. I hope you appreciate the time that I put into writing it. Until next time.

We are not there yet. We have not evolved. We have no respect. We have lost control.

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In last month’s post, I discussed how much I can’t stand bullies. I also talked about how the current American President is a bully. I’ve continued to see him act as a bully. I almost discussed how much I can’t stand intolerance and bigotry. I’ve seen more intolerance and bigotry.

I’ll be completely honest, I have no idea what to write here today. Based on what I’ve seen on the news over the past week, I’m at a loss for words. I’ve witnessed the American president lying about easily provable facts. Other countries’ leaders have corrected him. He then continues with the lie. I’ve watched as the United States of America sides with Russia and North Korea in refusing to condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. I’m stunned into silence.

I enjoy history and politics. I wish that I had enjoyed history in high school as much as I do now. Yet, that’s neither here nor there. I read a lot about American history. I like watching documentaries about it. I like listening to podcasts and discussions about it. I think that I have a pretty good understanding of it. With that understanding of history comes an understanding of which policies are better for society and which are not. And with that comes the understanding of which sides proposes policies that are better for society and which side proposes policies that are good for the few.

I try not to use the words “Republican” and “Democrat” when I discuss policy because the parties have switched. Yes, it’s true that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and he freed the black slaves. Yes, it’s true that the founders of the KKK were Democrats. Those are indisputable historical facts. But, it’s important to understand how they’re almost irrelevant today based on the current political alignment of the two parties.

Teddy Roosevelt left the Republican party in the lead up to the 1912 Presidential Election. He took the majority of the progressive Republicans with him. They eventually started to side with the Democrats. By the time Franklin Roosevelt was President, the Democratic Party was almost all of the Progressives. The Civil Rights movement of the 1960s further prompted the shift. Conservative Democrats who were still around moved to the Republican party. This move (more or less) finished the switch.

When I registered to vote, I registered as an independent. I had the mindset of “I’ll always vote for the best person, regardless of political party.” And, I still think that’s the best concept to have. But, the concept isn’t as good as the reality. I am no longer and independent. And I’m proud to be registered as a Democrat. It’s increasingly more clear every day. This is especially true in the past few years. It’s the Left and the Democrats that do more for society.

A few years ago, I read (former Senator) Al Franken’s autobiography. I loved the book. Why wouldn’t I? It was about someone who was a Senator, a writer for Saturday Night Live, and someone whose opinions I basically agreed with and understood. He spoke very well about why he was a Democrat. He watched as Republican policies held people down. He spoke about how it was Progressive policies that helped family members of his get out of their financial struggles. He got it and he did his best to keep it going while in office.

I’m closing in 50 years of age. Many people in my generation are struggling with money. Very few Generation X married couples can survive on single income households, like our parents did. What’s different? Did our parents work harder? No, the economic balance switched. When our parents were growing up under the economy that Franklin Roosevelt set up after the Republican Great Depression (as it was originally called), the people who had the most money were taxed the most and the working class were taxed less and could provide for their families. When Ronald Reagan changed the tax system in 1981, he basically reversed it. The rich were taxed less and tax increases on the middle class were common.

Since 1981, there’s been more tax cuts for the rich and more tax increases on everyone else. It’s simple to see the impact that this has. Our infrastructure is crumbling. Our schools are failing. People cannot make ends meet. It doesn’t take a statistician to figure it out.

How does economy and Right vs. Left policies tie into the bullying and bigotry that I started with? All you have to do is look at what’s happening. The Right is in control at the moment. They’re using the power that they have to bully anyone that they feel is weaker than them. They’re using their power to bully minorities via policy and poverty. They’re using their power to push LGBTQ citizens back “into the closet.” And since the “leader of the free world” is the biggest and loudest bully out there right now, so many others feel emboldened by his words and actions.

The Left meanwhile, for over 100 years, has been trying to provide healthcare, equal rights, and economic stability.

We are not the same. I want nothing but the best for everyone. I don’t want people to feel less than. I don’t want people to be treated as less than. I want people to have equal rights, equal opportunities, and success. The only way to do that is with progress. And we’re currently going backwards. It’s not good. I haven’t lost hope. I’ve just become very discouraged. But, what I’ve learned about history shows me that I’m on the right side, the compassionate side. And eventually, it will be okay… at least, I hope so.

We Will Overcome This System.

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I have no tolerance for bullies. I have no tolerance for people in power enacting policies that belittle people. I have no tolerance for hatred. I have no tolerance for bigotry. I have no tolerance for intolerance.

I’ve been the victim of bullies. I vividly remember the fear that I often had while walking the halls of my high school. I vividly remember the dread that I often felt while walking home from high school. I didn’t fit in. I had long hair. I read comic books. I wasn’t one of the cool kids. And others made it a point to mock me for my interests. Sometimes, they would even physically hurt me. I survived. I’m in a very good place right now. But, I’m very scared about the rise of bullies.

The once and current President of the United States is a bully. He’s a racist. He’s a bigot. He does not care who he hurts as long as he helps himself in the process. He has zero compassion for minorities of any kind. Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, and basically any religion that isn’t a form of Christianity is likely to be targeted by him. And his barrage of public bullying has enabled and emboldened a rise of bullying, hate crimes, and overall discrimination.

Many people use the cliche statement, “I have many (fill in minority category here) friends.” Then they make decisions that hurt those alleged friends. Claiming to have black friends doesn’t give you the right to make decisions that hurt them. Claiming to have LGBTQ friends doesn’t give you the right to deprive them. And yet, that’s what many people do. It happens way too often.

The United States of America has come a long way. If you wanted to argue that the USA has not made a lot of progress with equality, I wouldn’t argue with you. Recent events have set progress back, possibly for decades. Yes, the country is inherently filled with systemic racism. Yes, a lot of policies benefit straight white men over anyone else. But, progress towards equality was being made. As slow as it may have been moving, that progress was happening. As of late, I don’t feel like we’re moving forward at all.

If we must use political labels, I am a Progressive. I want progress. I want every single person, regardless of who they are, to be treated equally. I want them to be able to paid fairly. I want them to have access to affordable health care. I want them to be able to get legally married. I want people to be able to fulfil Thomas Jefferson’s concept of them having unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The ability to pursue life, liberty, and happiness is not easy for some people. For many, it’s an outright painful struggle.

I like reading about history and politics. I know how got to where we are today. I’m not going to get into that particular topic in this entry. Discussing it would turn this into a novel. I like to understand thing. I’m also okay with not understanding some things. There’s a lot of things in the universe that I don’t know the answers to. Not understanding something doesn’t usually fundamentally upset me. However, for the life of me, I cannot understand why people need to be cruel. I cannot understand why people need to belittle differences. I cannot understand why some people think it’s acceptable to take away rights from innocent human beings. And not only don’t I understand any of that, it really does upset me.

I don’t usually end my entries like this, but I want to thank you for reading this one. Please do something to make a positive difference in someone’s life today. The world needs it.

The Monolith of the New Day.

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I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.

I’ve taken my health seriously for a while. That really only meant that I’ve regularly had my annual physical for almost 15 years. I go to my dentist and eye doctor regularly. It wasn’t until 2024 when I really started to dig deeper.

I took a simple step by seeing a foot specialist. This was to address the pain in my left foot, particularly in my big toe. I even brought an extra left shoe. to the appointment to show the doctor how the soles get worn out on my left shoes. He took one look and knew exactly what my problem was. I have flat feet and collapses arches. I was given custom orthotics for my feet and it’s helped A LOT.

Another thing I did was going to a sleep specialist. From the study that they did, it was determined that I have sleep apnea and I had averaged 24.5 episodes per hour. To be clear, that meant in that study, I had stopped breathing 24.5 times on average, per hour, while sleeping. That sounds scary, right? I now use CPAP machine when I sleep and my episodes per hour have dropped to an average of 1.5. In so many of my entries here I’ve talked about my lack of energy. The sleep apnea was a BIG reason for my lack of energy. I was not getting a good night’s sleep, no matter how many hours I was in bed.

Like past years, I competed in a few 5k races. My results weren’t at the levels when I was at my best. But what is my best now? Is just finishing my best? Are my personal records out of reach? I don’t think there’s any shame in not being incapable of running as well as I did. It’s natural that my abilities have changed since I was in my late 30s. I’m now in my late 40s and the “Big Five O” is approaching somewhat quickly. However, I’m determined to compete in more races in 2025 than I did in 2024. I also aim to achieve better results than I did in 2024. How am I going to do this?

I am committing myself to my physical health in 2025. That means that I WILL drop the extra weight that I put on during the year. Unfortunately, that weight is what I had hoped to lose in 2024 and then-some. I’m going to make some healthier choices with food and drink. I’m going to re-commit myself to exercise via apps that I have, YouTube pages, and the gym. I’m going to do the work. The work is SO important.

It isn’t just my physical health that I’m committing to, it’s my mental health. Make no mistake, I’ve taken my mental health very seriously over the past few years. I’m VERY PROUD of the progress and decisions that I made about my mental health in 2024.

I’ve started using apps to check in every day about my mental health. I’ve begun attempting meditation. I say attempting, because I’m not good at it… yet. I’ve starting using card with affirmations to remind me of how good things are. Which leads me to the next thing that I want to discuss.

There’s also things I did not do this year. I felt it would be better for me to NOT participate in them. In the past, I would have said that quitting was just easier for me. Not partaking seemed more convenient. But I don’t see it that way now. I see it was me protecting myself from uncomfortable, awkward, and (most importantly) unhealthy situations.

As someone who has often had problems being optimistic about basically anything, I was always focused on what I don’t have. That mindset has changed a bit for me and now I really do focus on what I have. And I don’t just focus on that specific things, I’ve focused on the gratitude that I have for what I’ve been able to achieve and/or been allowed to achieve.

I was recently at an event. I discussed a specific moment of gratitude with someone very important to me. During that discussion, she pointed out something significant. I was attending that event with two people. These two individuals were close to death at various points over the past few years. She was right. It took my gratitude for all of it to a new level. I appreciate that amount of perspective. I’m glad that I have it. And the amount of gratitude that I have for her (on various levels) is huge.

In addition to things that I’ve already discussed, if there’s any “area of opportunity” in my life that I need to work on, it’s my finances. Like, the other things that I’ve discussed, I think that I have the tools at my disposal to make the necessary changes to get things back under control and to make a difference. Steps have already been taken to make it happen. I just need to do the work. And, as we know, the work is SO important.

Two things that I always mention in my end of year entry are my reading goals and a specific workout goal. I did not come close to my reading goal. I always want to read at least 12 books per year. I read 6. But, I read a few comic books too. Does that count?
The specific workout goal is my ability to do a Black Crow pose in the DDP Yoga workouts. According to what I’ve written, I managed to get one done in 2021. Still, I do know that I did it at least once in 2024, just not well. My new goal there is to be able to get it done and hold it for more than a second or two.

For some reason, I opened my 2014 end of year entry today and read it. I guess it didn’t hurt to see how I was feeling 10 years ago. My immediate thought was “wow, I haven’t changed much.” I did not like that perspective on it. I think I have. I think I’m in a much better place than I’ve been in a very long time, if not ever. I know that things aren’t perfect, but I also know that I have the tools at my disposal to make things better. I may not have all of the skills to get it all done on my own, but I don’t need to. I’m content. I’m not complacent. I’m grateful.

In my entry from this past June, I quoted a bunch of people. One was Philip Jack Brooks. His philosophy on life and when asked how he’s doing, he’ll reply “I woke up today.” He explained how that’s a good thing. He seems to have gratitude as well. I also talked about Warren Zevon and his “Enjoy Every Sandwich” outlook to life. I’ve used that one for a while. But, it seems to me that the various pieces of the happiness/gratitude puzzle are coming together for me better than they have before. Things are making sense.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2025 to be better than my 2024. I’m going to make a significant effort to see that through. It may be a difficult road at times, but I’m going to keep navigating forward. I don’t know where I’ll end up on that road. If I keep going on the path that I’m on, I believe that when I start writing my 2025 year-end entry, I will say, “I woke up today, I enjoyed every sandwich, and I appreciated every moment with every person.” If I can say that, the year will have been pretty good. And, I’ll be very grateful for that.

Covenants Were Sealed and Set.

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Based on what I want to say in this entry, I think this one may end up being a direct continuation of last month’s. But, then again, every entry is basically a continuation of my previous one. That’s how this works. I’m obviously off to a good start. I’ve said nothing significant yet and I’m already leading into the phrase “But, I digress.”

But, I digress…

The theme of my last entry seemed to be my gratitude for things in life. I’m still feeling that gratitude. Thanksgiving was yesterday, so I’m going to change it up. Let me say how thankful I am. And, I really am. I’m very much aware of how much better things in my life are than they have been. By no means are things perfect, but (in many ways) they’re better than ever.

I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to make things right in some areas of my life where I’ve struggled. I’m thankful that I’m in a much better position than before to make the effort to make those things right. I’m thankful for the people and things that have helped me get to that position.

One of the things that I’m most thankful for is the perspective that I have. I believe that it’s important to understand perspective. It’s important to know that in the dark times, things can get better. It’s important to appreciate what you have. I could easily focus on the things that I don’t have instead of what I do have. What will that get me? Jealousy, angry, resentment, bitterness? I have had all of those. I no longer have use for them.

I’m thankful for simple pleasures. Over the past year, I’ve taken up reading comic books again. But this time, I’m reading them on my tablet instead of the physical books. I get the same enjoyment out of reading them that way as I do from reading the real things. It makes no difference. I think technology is great. It is amazing that I can even get these books and so many older ones on a tablet. Yes, the Internet amazes me. It still does.

Getting serious for a moment, I’m so very thankful for some particular people in my life. Earlier, when I mentioned things that I don’t have, I was thinking about this particular topic. There are some people that I had in my life, then I didn’t, and I do again. For various reasons, I won’t get into specifics of anything here. The situation went from not having them, to possibly not having the option to have them in my life again. Now, I have them back and (in my opinion) in a stronger capacity than before. I’m extremely thankful for that.

I’m thankful that I have the chance to write this entry. I’m thankful that people may read it. I’ve said “I’m in a good place” a few times lately. I’m still there. I don’t want to leave. Although, I do believe that my Good Place is flexible. In the sense that it could get better. Look at me, sounding optimistic and hopeful. Who knew how much perspective, gratitude, and thankfulness could do for someone?

In Times of Surrender, I am Shedding My Scars.

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There was a time in my life when I was very angry, almost all of the time. Let’s just call it “My Twenties and Early Thirties.” I have no idea why I was angry. I just was. I said that the anger kept me going. It was the energy for me. But was it really?

Anger is exhausting. It’s heavy. It can be all consuming at times. And what does it do for you? Where does it get you? For the most part, I think it’s pointless to feel that way so often.

I understand that not every situation in life will work out as you hoped. People, places, and things can upset someone to the point of anger. But, it’s best to let it go.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I wouldn’t believe that I was saying these things. I’m not talking about the anger part, I’m talking about the letting it go part. I would like to think that I’ve grown up a little bit, maybe matured slightly. I know my audience here is very limited, so please don’t go around telling anyone that I’m looking at things from a mature perspective. I wouldn’t want my image to be ruined. Obviously, I’m kidding about that. I certainly don’t want to be thought of as the angry person that I was.

I’ve tried different techniques to calm myself recently. I’ve even attempted meditation, but I’m really not good at it. I am not (yet) capable of clearing my mind enough to get the best results from it.

But, as far as meditation goes, I know that a lot of breathing goes into that. And I posted an entry a little while ago about breathing. It’s such an incredible tool. Yes, it’s the literal foundation of our lives. If we don’t breathe, we don’t live. Controlling the breath is vital. Using it to calm down is essential. I’m proud of my efforts in this area.

I may have been obviously angry or depressed 20 years ago. I hope that now, I am seen as grateful. I really do have so much gratitude right now. I could easily focus on how little I’ve achieved by the standards of society. It could to appear to some that I’m very behind the curve. Still, lately I’ve really been focusing on how much I DO have. I’m grateful for the opportunities presented to me.

I’m grateful that I have the chance to right some wrongs. I’m grateful that I have the tools to make the necessary improvements in some areas of my life. I just need to apply myself more.

I’m grateful for the simple things that bring me joy.

I’m grateful that I get to start fresh on my diet and exercise plan tomorrow, since it’s a new month.

I’m grateful that anyone bothers to read this.

I’m grateful that I’m in a good place right. I hope to stay here for a while.

Mend Your Ways Before They Tear You By the Seams.

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I’m on a self-improvement journey. That’s what I’ve been telling myself and my readers for a while. It wasn’t until somewhat recently that I’ve really started to believe it for myself. I’m making progress. I’ve been told about it. And like I just said, I’m starting to believe it.

So many bad habits, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings were programmed into me for years. Parents, teachers, classmates, society in general. I have so many sources for it. To be completely clear, I’m not blaming anyone. I’m stating how I see it and I’m trying to fix things for myself.

During this past August, I was incredibly disciplined with my workouts and my mindfulness. I was working towards a specific goal. I wanted to be ready for a 5k that I was going to run at the end of the month. Once that passed, the workouts went by the wayside again. Other good practices that I truly enjoyed during the month also fell apart. I’ve joked (too often) that the start of a new month means that I can start again. Well, I’m planning to do that again with the new month that starts tomorrow.

I felt good about myself during August. I was putting in the important work and I truly felt the difference. Now, at the end of September, I don’t feel as good about myself. I don’t feel bad about myself. Just not as good. While, I’ve slacked with certain things, I also think that I improved some other areas of my life too.

I’ve often spoken of my need for balance. I don’t think I want balance right now. I don’t want to give up on some things while improving others. I want to improve all of them. I guess balance could still be a part of that. However, I may need to adjust the scales of my life a bit. Of course, while I adjust those scales, I really want to decrease the number on the scales that weigh me, but that’s part of my self-improvement journey.

I have a good support system. I have resources at my disposal. I need to use these resources. If they’re apps or books, I need to take advantage of their lessons. If they’re friends, I need to reach out and hear their words. Not just listen to them, but hear them. But, they also need to listen to me. You cannot help me if you don’t where I’m coming from. You cannot help me if you don’t know why I think the way I think. You cannot help me if you do not understand me.

Digging deeper into that last paragraph. I’ve begun to listen to others more closely. I’ve made it a point to hear their words. It’s just another aspect that I’m trying to improve.

I need to escape the behaviors, patterns, and thoughts that bring me down. I need to be better. I need to do the work to get there. And, I think I’m on the right track. Every so often, my mind tries to tell me that I’m not doing it, but I try to ignore it.

I’ve been told that I often look back too much. I don’t know if that’s completely true. Even if I do look back often, I think it’s necessary. You cannot get to where to you want to be if you don’t know where you’ve been. My past (good and bad) has brought me to where I am today. Only through understanding where I’ve been can I get to where I want to be.

So, where am I going? I’m not totally sure. But, I know that I’m heading forward. I also know that I like where I am. Where I am is good.

The Unseen Movie of this Life.

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There’s a lot of things that I don’t believe in and have never believed. But, the one thing that I’ve spent most of my life not believing in was myself. I’ve lacked confidence and I’ve had esteem issues. I’ve been put down. I’ve been doubted. Their doubts became my doubts. Their concerns became my reality.

In a recent entry, I spoke about “Dashboard Management” and the ability to work towards one’s goals. I think that I’m on a good path right now. I’m still not completely sure of the destination, but I think that the direction I’m going in is forward. And any forward momentum is good momentum.

I’ve recently added some mostly daily practices to help me achieve calmness and attempt to take a more mindful approach to things in life. I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt something could stress me out a bit and I’ve stopped to assess the situation and I’ve managed to calm myself down and not get anxious over it. I don’t know if I would have been capable of doing that even as recently as a few months ago.

During the course of this past month, I’ve accomplished something that I’ve flat out told people was not possible for me. I’ve said that there was no way that I could be ranked within the top 100 users of the DDP Yoga Now app. I just thought it was too much for me to handle to get there. At the beginning of the month, I saw that there were over 45,000 people using that app. Not only am I ranked AT 100 (at the time that I’m typing this), but I was 84 at one point during the month. And to be honest, as much work and effort as it took, it didn’t take as much as I thought. But, I did have to do the work. And as we’ve established, the work is SO important.

I don’t know when you’re reading this, but as of this moment, there’s about 13 hours until I run my next 5k race. It will be my 47th overall race. I don’t know well I’ll do in it compared to my others. The last two that I did were my slowest ones. I haven’t completed a 5k in under 30 minutes in almost six years. I do not expect to do so tomorrow. Is this not believing in myself? I don’t think so. I think it’s a matter of being realistic about my expectations. But, I am feeling good about the race, overall. So far.

I’m making changes. I’m doing things differently. I’m trying new things. I’m doing all of these things because not everything that I’ve done before has worked out so well. Not everything has been bad, but there’s been too many things that didn’t succeed as I would have wanted them to. Change is needed. I need to adjust my methods, my thinking, and my beliefs.

I don’t need to believe in myths, legends, stories, iconography, or fairy tales, I need to believe in me. It’s time for ME to believe that I’m capable. It’s taken me a long time to even start to understand any of this.

Why did I bring up the 5k specifically? Not just because it’s tomorrow, but because I’ve often said that no matter how well I do in one of those, even if my finish isn’t nearly as quick as I hoped it would be, ever single time that I cross a finish line, I’ve accomplished something. That means (in the case of 5ks) that I’ve succeeded 46 times. I have zero failures. I just have results that weren’t as fast as others. I put forth the effort and I get a result.

How do 5ks and everything else tie together? Belief. That’s how. I NEED to believe in me. In last month’s entry, I mentioned a quote from Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. Another quote that he likes to refer to is one from Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” For way too long, I’ve lived in a World of Can’t. It’s way past time for me to move into the World of Can, or at least a World of Can’t, yet.

It doesn’t matter where I’ve been and I will not be a slave to my previous mindset once again. Thinking one thing is one thing. Believing in it, is another. I’ve believed in nothing for too long. It’s time to believe in ME. And I think I’m getting there.

The Trick is to Keep Breathing.

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This may seem like an overly simplified statement, but there is nothing that you do that is more important that breathing. Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. often says “If you own your breath, you will be on your way to owning your life.” It’s taken me close to five decades to figure that out, but it’s starting to click.

When people are stressed, they’re often told to breathe. I’ve heard various Yoga instructors talk about “cleansing breaths.” None of that made sense to me until somewhat recently. How can breathing not make sense? Well, because I never thought about it.

As I’ve talked about in recent entries, I’ve been diagnosed with sleep apnea. For those that may not know, the Mayo Clinic defines sleep apnea as “a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts.” So yeah…
Imagine my horror when a sleep study informed me that (on average) I would stop breathing 24 times per hour when sleeping. Thanks to my CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, I’m now averaging only 1.5 episodes per hour. The trick is to keep breathing and the machine makes the trick happen.

I attempt to run 5k races. I word it that way due to how often I stop running and start walking during those races. But, I digress. I often have to remind myself to take deep breaths during the run. My heart rate will spike and through breathing, I can get it come down a bit. I know that there’s other factors at play here, but my breath is the key to all of this.

I would tell you that I’ve started meditating, but that’s almost overstating my participation in the practice at this point. Through one program that I’m in, I downloaded a course on how to meditate. When I finally got around to attempting to learn the practice, I couldn’t figure out my password and I had trouble logging in. I was eventually able to get in and started it, but by the time I started, I was a bit frustrated and I didn’t get the full impact of the lesson. A few weeks later, I tried another program and had other, somewhat similar issues. I laughed it off and attempted to learn again. Being at one with my breath is not something that I’m particularly good at… yet.

There’s various aspects of my life that I need to improve. I have a lot of work to do. And as I said in last month’s entry, the work is SO important. Something else that I mentioned in that same entry was how recent life events have impacted my perspective on things. I believe that my need to improve, to grow, and to heal was greatly amplified by an event that recently happened. I’m not going to mention specifics of that here, since it’s not my story to tell. I’ll just say that it opened up a lot of thoughts.

The overall majority of the thoughts that were opened up were centered around the concept of attempting to fix wrongs in my life. My thoughts spiraled a lot for a while, but it always came back to the concept of “how can I fix this?” I don’t think that I’ve mentioned this in any of my entries over the past two or years, but I have been speaking to a therapist regularly. My discussions are often about current things in my life, and once the dust settles a bit, I want to start attempting to dive deeper in the root causes of things. I know how very uncomfortable that may be for me. But, I think it’s necessary. I may need to practice mindful breathing during those discussions. The trick is to keep breathing. Breathing requires work. The work is SO important.

I’m on journey. And much like the races that I mentioned earlier, there’s going to be times when I’m out of breath. There’s going to be times when my heart rate goes up a lot. This journey may cause me some anxiety. The trick is to keep breathing.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the proverbial mountain top, but my current plan is to keep climbing. I may fall a bit. I know that I’m going to have setbacks. It’s part of life. Not everything goes smoothly. But, I think I’m going in the right direction. And when times get rough, I will defer to the words of one of my favorite poets, Neil Fallon of Virginia,

“So I take a deep breath and count to ten, ain’t gonna let it get under my skin. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Think of all the nice places that I been.”

The Future of a Past Life.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back at the just about completed first 47 years of my life.

At this point last year, I had just received a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I was already starting to envision how much better my future could be because of that. And almost immediately after that happened, I NEEDED to get a new car. The 24 year old Chevy Blazer that I had was on its way out. As a result of how quickly it all transpired, I was unable to put any money aside and start saving for the eventual car purchase that I planned to make. And since I did make that car purchase without a lot of money put down in advance, a good amount of the my extra (compared to last year) money is going towards payments for the car and insurance. I’m not saying that the new car is a bad thing. I know how good it is. I’m better off with it, but because of it, I’m not really getting ahead financially.

Physically, I have some work to do. I started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I saw really good results with it. I don’t know what I’m doing differently now, but the results aren’t there. In fact, I’ve gained a bit of that weight back. I think it’s going to take a more disciplined approach for me to make this happen. And as I said, I have work to do. As the great philosophers Balle and Perlis have often said, “The work is SO important.”

In recent entries, I’ve talked about some of the steps that I’ve taken to improve my overall health beyond just my weight concerns. I’ve seen improvement with some of those aspects. Others are a work in progress and may always be a work in progress.

My mental health, in particular, has been tested recently. Due to some events, I felt some of the darker urges that I’ve dealt with at various points of my life. Often in my life, I’ve felt that I’ve deserved to suffer. That feeling doesn’t come up often and it’s never motivated me to do anything drastic, and I don’t think it ever will. But, the voice in my head will tell me that I do not deserve good things, success, happiness, or even simple joys. I’m glad to say that I’ve avoided any sort of mental punishment, other than the slight shame that I feel for eating an excessive amounts of potato chips over the past week. But, for the most part, I’m doing okay right now.

Getting back to the original concept of this entry, my life and where it is right now, I’ve given a lot of thought to things in life that scare me. My past scares me. My future scares me. My present is where I exist. Existing in the present isn’t a bad thing, or at least I don’t think it is. The past dictates how I do things. The future is where I end up. But what is my future? I’m trying to figure that out. Another philosopher, Aurelian Smith, Jr. famously said “My history is not my destiny.” I need to figure out how to make that true for myself. That will require work. And we know, the work is SO important.

I’ve given a lot of thought to perspective on life recently. Well, I think about that often, but even more so lately. There’s been a few things that have increased my need to have a good perspective on life. Another quote that helps me think about perspective comes from yet another philosopher, Phillip Jack Brooks from Chicago. He said when people ask him how he’s doing, he’ll simply say “I woke up this morning.” To paraphrase more of what he said, we only have chance at (life). Any day that we wake up is good, whatever good stuff that happens throughout the rest of the day is a bonus.

I know that not every day is going to go as well as we want it to. Some days can be incredibly difficult to get through, especially for those of us that are burdened with depression or other forms of mental illness. I have depression, some anxiety, probably some attention deficit disorder, and maybe other things that haven’t been diagnosed, fleshed out, and/or treated. I deal with it to the best of my ability. I’ve felt some added pressure due to some recent events. I’ve reached out to people. They’ve been supportive. In many cases, that’s all that someone needs. But, some may need more.

I don’t want this entry to be dark and I also don’t want it to be filled with one quote after another from people that I admire, but there’s more quotes to come. I know that I’ve used this one in entries before, and sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll do a social media post says nothing more than “enjoy every sandwich.” That quote comes from Warren Zevon. He had terminal cancer and knew that he was going to die from it. There was no way around it. David Letterman had him on as a guest and asked him if he had any new knowledge or wisdom about life as a result of his diagnosis, and one of the things that he said was “enjoy every sandwich.” To me, there’s no better perspective on life than something so simple.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” This quote (which will likely be the last one that I use in this entry) comes from a Gallifreyan Doctor. It’s another way of saying what I think the theme of this entry has become.

So, where am I? I’m someone that is scared by his past and his future. I do my best to enjoy the present. I’m aware of my fears. How do I deal with them? How do I overcome them? I do not have those answers. And believe it or not, that doesn’t scare me.

Thanks to the CPAP that I spoke to about in my most recent previous entry, I have the chance to get better sleep than I used to. That also means that I’ll potentially wake up with more energy than I’ve been used to having. So, not only will I wake up, but I’ll have more energy? Based on what I’ve said in this entry, I’m already ahead of the game. If I include something like a good sandwich (or maybe chicken wings) later in my day, I’m doing so well.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. My perspective on life is pretty good, I think. I still need to work on dedicating myself to find the motivation to do all of the work that I need to do so I can meet the goal of talking about how much better I am in one year. And through perspective thrust upon me by events in life, the rose colored hindsight glasses have shown me that things that may have been bad weren’t really as bad as I thought they were. They may not have been as good as I had liked, but they weren’t as bad. They’ve also shown me there’s a lot of work to do. But one day, I’ll wake up and I’ll see that the so important work has paid off. I may have an excellent sandwich that day. If that happens, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell in one year.