Category Archives: Random Stuff

2024 Album of the Year

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1 – Cemetery Skyline – Nordic Gothic
2 – Lonesome Wyatt & the Holy Spooks – Afraid
3 – Opeth – The Last Will and Testament
4 – Scott H. Biram – The One & Only Scott H. Biram
5 – Human Impact – Gone Dark
6 – Kings Never Die – The Life & Times
7 – Mushroomhead – Call the Devil
8 – The Black Keys – Ohio Players
9 – Gangastagrass – The Blackest Things on the Menu
10 – Civerous – Maze Envy

Some years when I hear an album for the first time I immediately know that it will be ranked very high in my Top 10 Albums of the Year list. Cemetery Skyline’s Nordic Gothic is one of those albums. Cemetery Skyline is a “supergroup” consisting of members of Amorphis, Omnium Gatherum, Dimmu Borgir, Sentenced, and Dark Tranquillity. I’m a fan of most of those groups and familiar with the others. Dark Tranquillity’s contribution to the band is their singer, Mikael Stanne. He can belt out some tremendous Death Metal growls when needed and he can also croon very well. This album has a mellow, gothic sound to it. There’s only clean vocals on it, and it’s just so good. Over the course of a few months, they released one single after another and I liked every one of them. There was no doubt that this record would be my 2024 Album of the Year.

Some of the tracks that I liked the most include: “In Darkness,” “Behind the Lie,” “The Coldest Heart,” and especially “Violent Storm.”

I first became aware of Lonesome Wyatt from his work in Those Poor Bastards, who have appeared on this list a few times. I’ve usually preferred his work with the group to his solo stuff, but this year seems to be the exception since both acts put out an album. Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks’ album, Afraid, much like Nordic Gothic won me over right away. I knew it was good and it never bored me when I listened to it. Those Poor Bastards also put out an album in the year, but I’ll get to that later. Wyatt’s unique sound and creative ways to describe misery are entertaining and I’m glad that this album was ranked so high. I find it impressive after his 6th place finish last year.

“The Woods” starts the album well, with “Too Late to be Afraid,” “Kewpie Doll” and “The Chills” standing out to me.

I think a common theme of this list will be albums that I did not expect to be so good. We started with a supergroup that put out a great record, we then had an act that has put out of a lot of material over the past few years and seems to be getting better, and now we have Opeth’s latest album, the Last Will and Testament. I’ve been listening to Opeth for close to 25 years and I thought they released so many great albums. Their 2005 album, Ghost Reveries, was that year’s Album of the Year. What I really liked about them was the mix of Death Metal vocals, clean vocals, and how their songs took me for a ride with their changes in tempo and direction. Opeth’s singer, Mikael Åkerfeldt, abandoned the Death Metal growls during albums about 15 years ago. He would still break them out in live shows. So, when the first single from the Last Will and Testament, “§1” was released, I was very surprised to hear growls on it. The return of the growls wasn’t enough to get a high ranking on this list, but it was enough to get my attention. I’ll admit that the album took a few listens, but I can safely say that it deserves its rank as the 3rd Best Album of 2024. I really like how they’ve managed to take the more recent Prog sound of the band and mix in the Death Metal style that they used to be more known for.

The tracks on the album are all named “§1” through “§7” with the final track called “A Story Never Told.” I think “”§1,” “§3,” and “§4” are my favorites.

The One & Only Scott H. Biram is an good name for an album by Scott H. Biram, the Dirty Old One Man Band. As obvious by what I just said, he’s a one man band and I’ve never seen anyone quite like him in concert. His albums have a unique style and I’m very glad that it works so well for him. This particular album stands out as one of the best that he’s done. If you like a one man country blues, punkish, gospel, occasionally growling show, you should check him out.

I recommend the opening track “No Man’s Land,” “Easy Rider,” and “Inside a Bar” from the album as tracks to check out.

Until a month or so ago, I didn’t know that Human Impact had released an album in 2024. The algorithms must have failed me. Nonetheless, I did find out about their album and I’m glad that I did. Gone Dark continued the sting of good albums from this “American noise rock supergroup.” I’m not quite sure what that genre is, but I guess it’s Human Impact.

“Destroy to Rebuild,” “Collapse,” and “Disconnect” were my favorite songs from the album.

Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks are not the only act to have albums in my Top 10 list two years in a row, as Kings Never Die also have one. Their second full length album, The Life & Times surprised me. I pretty much know what to expect from them. I’ve seen them so much since their formation a few years ago. But, even with my familiarity with them The Life & Times was better than I expected. If you like NJ/NY Hardcore, I would definitely recommend this album.

I think it starts off great with the title track and jumps right into another great song with “Bigger They Come, Harder They Fall” and it keeps up the strength from one song to the next. “Can I Get a Witness?” may be my favorite song on the album. It’s just a good one, especially live in concert.

Mushroomhead appearing on this list is not a surprise to many. I’ve been a fan of theirs since 2003. They even had the 2014 Album of the Year with the Righteous and the Butterfly. What first drew me to them was the dueling vocals of Jeffrey Nothing and J Mann. Over the years, J Mann had left and came back. They had Waylon Revis on vocals with Nothing for a while. What I liked about the Righteous and the Butterfly was that it featured all three of the singers that I liked. However, none of them are with the band now. This album took a while for me to fully like it. I couldn’t get past the singer differences for a while. But, I did my best to listen to it with an open mind and I realized that it really is pretty good. If you liked Mushroomhead and may have given up on them, I would recommend that you give them another chance, like I did.

The first single from the album was “Fall in Line” and it caught my attention, the songs that kept it and I liked enough to rank this album as the 7th Best Album of the Year include “We Don’t Care” and “Grand Gesture.”

Algorithms failed me again. I didn’t know the Black Keys had released an album. I found out a while after its release. Still, Ohio Players is a good album that I expect will be often be in my queue to listen to. The Black Keys put out mellow rock albums that I can dedicate my full attention to or have playing in the background and still get something out of it. Ohio Players reignited my fondness for them.

The album starts hot with “This is Nowhere,” continues strong with “Don’t Let Me Go,” and I think it peaks with “Only Love Matters.”

It’s only natural that my Top 10 Albums of the Year list includes a bluegrass hip hop group, right? Well, Gangstagrass is that band and they’re making another appearance in one my Top 10 Albums list with their latest album, The Blackest Thing on the Menu. I became aware of them a few years ago and I saw them live not long after that. I was instantly hooked. They’ve released two albums since I’ve known of them and both have made the list.

Like other albums that I mentioned here, this one also starts off well with “The Only Way Out is Through.” The second song “Good at Being Bad” is my favorite from the album. I also recommend “Obligatory Braggadocio.”

The 10th Best Album of 2024 is Maze Envy by Civerous. This band was recommended to me earlier in the year by a beertender that I’m friendly with at a local brewery. I had never heard of them and when I searched for them, I saw that they had a new album out. I listened to it, and it was obviously to my liking enough that it made my Top 10 list. It’s a good Death Metal album that I can relax to. I know that may seem like a weird concept to some people, but I do find this type of music calming.

If you were to give this band a try, I suggest “Shrouded in Crystals,” “Endless Symmetry,” and “Levitation Tomb” as songs to check out.

There were a lot of good albums in 2024. Some others could easily have been listed in my Top 10. Here is a listing of other albums that came out during the year (in alphabetical order by artist):

Body Count – Merciless – A good Body Count album. But, not a great one.
Chat Pile – Cool World – This album sounded a lot like Nirvana. I wasn’t really expecting that.
Dark Tranquillity – Endtime Signals – A pretty good album, but it was overshadowed by Cemetery Skyline, in my opinion.
IDLES – Tangk – It was okay.
Kittie – Fire – This album was very close to making the list.
Ministry – Hopiumforthemasses – The album starts good, but it doesn’t hold my interest beyond the first few songs.
The Pineapple Thief – It Leads to This – Nothing stood out. I was disappointed.
Robert John & the Wreck – Red Moon Rising – Good Southern Rock. I would like to hear more from them.
Scars of Solitude – Under Disheartening Skies – They’re Finnish. They’re depressed. They’re not bad.
A Swarm of the Sun – An Empire – This will probably be played in the background a bit. It’s good atmospheric dark metal.
Those Poor Bastards – Back to the Primitive – It started okay, but didn’t hold my attention. Wyatt’s solo album was better.
Warren Haynes – Million Dollar Whisper – This album was comfortable for me, but not outstanding.
Weather Systems – An Ocean Without a Shore – I guess this band is the follow up to Anathema, who were great. So far, Weather Systems is just okay.
Zeal & Ardor – Greif – It had its moments, but it just wasn’t good. Reviews said they tried to modify their formula, and I did hear some shades of Porcupine Tree’s Prog style in it. And no, I did not spell the name of the album incorrectly.

I’m not sure who will be releasing albums in 2025 other than Lacuna Coil (winners of Album of the Year in 2016) and The Halo Effect. I’m hoping to hear good things from all of acts that I’ve mentioned and I also hope to find a lot of new acts, like I did this year.

A note about eligibility for my 2024 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States release date in 2024.
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist).
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material.

Covenants Were Sealed and Set.

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Based on what I want to say in this entry, I think this one may end up being a direct continuation of last month’s. But, then again, every entry is basically a continuation of my previous one. That’s how this works. I’m obviously off to a good start. I’ve said nothing significant yet and I’m already leading into the phrase “But, I digress.”

But, I digress…

The theme of my last entry seemed to be my gratitude for things in life. I’m still feeling that gratitude. Thanksgiving was yesterday, so I’m going to change it up. Let me say how thankful I am. And, I really am. I’m very much aware of how much better things in my life are than they have been. By no means are things perfect, but (in many ways) they’re better than ever.

I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to make things right in some areas of my life where I’ve struggled. I’m thankful that I’m in a much better position than before to make the effort to make those things right. I’m thankful for the people and things that have helped me get to that position.

One of the things that I’m most thankful for is the perspective that I have. I believe that it’s important to understand perspective. It’s important to know that in the dark times, things can get better. It’s important to appreciate what you have. I could easily focus on the things that I don’t have instead of what I do have. What will that get me? Jealousy, angry, resentment, bitterness? I have had all of those. I no longer have use for them.

I’m thankful for simple pleasures. Over the past year, I’ve taken up reading comic books again. But this time, I’m reading them on my tablet instead of the physical books. I get the same enjoyment out of reading them that way as I do from reading the real things. It makes no difference. I think technology is great. It is amazing that I can even get these books and so many older ones on a tablet. Yes, the Internet amazes me. It still does.

Getting serious for a moment, I’m so very thankful for some particular people in my life. Earlier, when I mentioned things that I don’t have, I was thinking about this particular topic. There are some people that I had in my life, then I didn’t, and I do again. For various reasons, I won’t get into specifics of anything here. The situation went from not having them, to possibly not having the option to have them in my life again. Now, I have them back and (in my opinion) in a stronger capacity than before. I’m extremely thankful for that.

I’m thankful that I have the chance to write this entry. I’m thankful that people may read it. I’ve said “I’m in a good place” a few times lately. I’m still there. I don’t want to leave. Although, I do believe that my Good Place is flexible. In the sense that it could get better. Look at me, sounding optimistic and hopeful. Who knew how much perspective, gratitude, and thankfulness could do for someone?

In Times of Surrender, I am Shedding My Scars.

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There was a time in my life when I was very angry, almost all of the time. Let’s just call it “My Twenties and Early Thirties.” I have no idea why I was angry. I just was. I said that the anger kept me going. It was the energy for me. But was it really?

Anger is exhausting. It’s heavy. It can be all consuming at times. And what does it do for you? Where does it get you? For the most part, I think it’s pointless to feel that way so often.

I understand that not every situation in life will work out as you hoped. People, places, and things can upset someone to the point of anger. But, it’s best to let it go.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I wouldn’t believe that I was saying these things. I’m not talking about the anger part, I’m talking about the letting it go part. I would like to think that I’ve grown up a little bit, maybe matured slightly. I know my audience here is very limited, so please don’t go around telling anyone that I’m looking at things from a mature perspective. I wouldn’t want my image to be ruined. Obviously, I’m kidding about that. I certainly don’t want to be thought of as the angry person that I was.

I’ve tried different techniques to calm myself recently. I’ve even attempted meditation, but I’m really not good at it. I am not (yet) capable of clearing my mind enough to get the best results from it.

But, as far as meditation goes, I know that a lot of breathing goes into that. And I posted an entry a little while ago about breathing. It’s such an incredible tool. Yes, it’s the literal foundation of our lives. If we don’t breathe, we don’t live. Controlling the breath is vital. Using it to calm down is essential. I’m proud of my efforts in this area.

I may have been obviously angry or depressed 20 years ago. I hope that now, I am seen as grateful. I really do have so much gratitude right now. I could easily focus on how little I’ve achieved by the standards of society. It could to appear to some that I’m very behind the curve. Still, lately I’ve really been focusing on how much I DO have. I’m grateful for the opportunities presented to me.

I’m grateful that I have the chance to right some wrongs. I’m grateful that I have the tools to make the necessary improvements in some areas of my life. I just need to apply myself more.

I’m grateful for the simple things that bring me joy.

I’m grateful that I get to start fresh on my diet and exercise plan tomorrow, since it’s a new month.

I’m grateful that anyone bothers to read this.

I’m grateful that I’m in a good place right. I hope to stay here for a while.

Mend Your Ways Before They Tear You By the Seams.

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I’m on a self-improvement journey. That’s what I’ve been telling myself and my readers for a while. It wasn’t until somewhat recently that I’ve really started to believe it for myself. I’m making progress. I’ve been told about it. And like I just said, I’m starting to believe it.

So many bad habits, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings were programmed into me for years. Parents, teachers, classmates, society in general. I have so many sources for it. To be completely clear, I’m not blaming anyone. I’m stating how I see it and I’m trying to fix things for myself.

During this past August, I was incredibly disciplined with my workouts and my mindfulness. I was working towards a specific goal. I wanted to be ready for a 5k that I was going to run at the end of the month. Once that passed, the workouts went by the wayside again. Other good practices that I truly enjoyed during the month also fell apart. I’ve joked (too often) that the start of a new month means that I can start again. Well, I’m planning to do that again with the new month that starts tomorrow.

I felt good about myself during August. I was putting in the important work and I truly felt the difference. Now, at the end of September, I don’t feel as good about myself. I don’t feel bad about myself. Just not as good. While, I’ve slacked with certain things, I also think that I improved some other areas of my life too.

I’ve often spoken of my need for balance. I don’t think I want balance right now. I don’t want to give up on some things while improving others. I want to improve all of them. I guess balance could still be a part of that. However, I may need to adjust the scales of my life a bit. Of course, while I adjust those scales, I really want to decrease the number on the scales that weigh me, but that’s part of my self-improvement journey.

I have a good support system. I have resources at my disposal. I need to use these resources. If they’re apps or books, I need to take advantage of their lessons. If they’re friends, I need to reach out and hear their words. Not just listen to them, but hear them. But, they also need to listen to me. You cannot help me if you don’t where I’m coming from. You cannot help me if you don’t know why I think the way I think. You cannot help me if you do not understand me.

Digging deeper into that last paragraph. I’ve begun to listen to others more closely. I’ve made it a point to hear their words. It’s just another aspect that I’m trying to improve.

I need to escape the behaviors, patterns, and thoughts that bring me down. I need to be better. I need to do the work to get there. And, I think I’m on the right track. Every so often, my mind tries to tell me that I’m not doing it, but I try to ignore it.

I’ve been told that I often look back too much. I don’t know if that’s completely true. Even if I do look back often, I think it’s necessary. You cannot get to where to you want to be if you don’t know where you’ve been. My past (good and bad) has brought me to where I am today. Only through understanding where I’ve been can I get to where I want to be.

So, where am I going? I’m not totally sure. But, I know that I’m heading forward. I also know that I like where I am. Where I am is good.

The Unseen Movie of this Life.

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There’s a lot of things that I don’t believe in and have never believed. But, the one thing that I’ve spent most of my life not believing in was myself. I’ve lacked confidence and I’ve had esteem issues. I’ve been put down. I’ve been doubted. Their doubts became my doubts. Their concerns became my reality.

In a recent entry, I spoke about “Dashboard Management” and the ability to work towards one’s goals. I think that I’m on a good path right now. I’m still not completely sure of the destination, but I think that the direction I’m going in is forward. And any forward momentum is good momentum.

I’ve recently added some mostly daily practices to help me achieve calmness and attempt to take a more mindful approach to things in life. I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt something could stress me out a bit and I’ve stopped to assess the situation and I’ve managed to calm myself down and not get anxious over it. I don’t know if I would have been capable of doing that even as recently as a few months ago.

During the course of this past month, I’ve accomplished something that I’ve flat out told people was not possible for me. I’ve said that there was no way that I could be ranked within the top 100 users of the DDP Yoga Now app. I just thought it was too much for me to handle to get there. At the beginning of the month, I saw that there were over 45,000 people using that app. Not only am I ranked AT 100 (at the time that I’m typing this), but I was 84 at one point during the month. And to be honest, as much work and effort as it took, it didn’t take as much as I thought. But, I did have to do the work. And as we’ve established, the work is SO important.

I don’t know when you’re reading this, but as of this moment, there’s about 13 hours until I run my next 5k race. It will be my 47th overall race. I don’t know well I’ll do in it compared to my others. The last two that I did were my slowest ones. I haven’t completed a 5k in under 30 minutes in almost six years. I do not expect to do so tomorrow. Is this not believing in myself? I don’t think so. I think it’s a matter of being realistic about my expectations. But, I am feeling good about the race, overall. So far.

I’m making changes. I’m doing things differently. I’m trying new things. I’m doing all of these things because not everything that I’ve done before has worked out so well. Not everything has been bad, but there’s been too many things that didn’t succeed as I would have wanted them to. Change is needed. I need to adjust my methods, my thinking, and my beliefs.

I don’t need to believe in myths, legends, stories, iconography, or fairy tales, I need to believe in me. It’s time for ME to believe that I’m capable. It’s taken me a long time to even start to understand any of this.

Why did I bring up the 5k specifically? Not just because it’s tomorrow, but because I’ve often said that no matter how well I do in one of those, even if my finish isn’t nearly as quick as I hoped it would be, ever single time that I cross a finish line, I’ve accomplished something. That means (in the case of 5ks) that I’ve succeeded 46 times. I have zero failures. I just have results that weren’t as fast as others. I put forth the effort and I get a result.

How do 5ks and everything else tie together? Belief. That’s how. I NEED to believe in me. In last month’s entry, I mentioned a quote from Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. Another quote that he likes to refer to is one from Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” For way too long, I’ve lived in a World of Can’t. It’s way past time for me to move into the World of Can, or at least a World of Can’t, yet.

It doesn’t matter where I’ve been and I will not be a slave to my previous mindset once again. Thinking one thing is one thing. Believing in it, is another. I’ve believed in nothing for too long. It’s time to believe in ME. And I think I’m getting there.

The Trick is to Keep Breathing.

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This may seem like an overly simplified statement, but there is nothing that you do that is more important that breathing. Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. often says “If you own your breath, you will be on your way to owning your life.” It’s taken me close to five decades to figure that out, but it’s starting to click.

When people are stressed, they’re often told to breathe. I’ve heard various Yoga instructors talk about “cleansing breaths.” None of that made sense to me until somewhat recently. How can breathing not make sense? Well, because I never thought about it.

As I’ve talked about in recent entries, I’ve been diagnosed with sleep apnea. For those that may not know, the Mayo Clinic defines sleep apnea as “a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts.” So yeah…
Imagine my horror when a sleep study informed me that (on average) I would stop breathing 24 times per hour when sleeping. Thanks to my CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, I’m now averaging only 1.5 episodes per hour. The trick is to keep breathing and the machine makes the trick happen.

I attempt to run 5k races. I word it that way due to how often I stop running and start walking during those races. But, I digress. I often have to remind myself to take deep breaths during the run. My heart rate will spike and through breathing, I can get it come down a bit. I know that there’s other factors at play here, but my breath is the key to all of this.

I would tell you that I’ve started meditating, but that’s almost overstating my participation in the practice at this point. Through one program that I’m in, I downloaded a course on how to meditate. When I finally got around to attempting to learn the practice, I couldn’t figure out my password and I had trouble logging in. I was eventually able to get in and started it, but by the time I started, I was a bit frustrated and I didn’t get the full impact of the lesson. A few weeks later, I tried another program and had other, somewhat similar issues. I laughed it off and attempted to learn again. Being at one with my breath is not something that I’m particularly good at… yet.

There’s various aspects of my life that I need to improve. I have a lot of work to do. And as I said in last month’s entry, the work is SO important. Something else that I mentioned in that same entry was how recent life events have impacted my perspective on things. I believe that my need to improve, to grow, and to heal was greatly amplified by an event that recently happened. I’m not going to mention specifics of that here, since it’s not my story to tell. I’ll just say that it opened up a lot of thoughts.

The overall majority of the thoughts that were opened up were centered around the concept of attempting to fix wrongs in my life. My thoughts spiraled a lot for a while, but it always came back to the concept of “how can I fix this?” I don’t think that I’ve mentioned this in any of my entries over the past two or years, but I have been speaking to a therapist regularly. My discussions are often about current things in my life, and once the dust settles a bit, I want to start attempting to dive deeper in the root causes of things. I know how very uncomfortable that may be for me. But, I think it’s necessary. I may need to practice mindful breathing during those discussions. The trick is to keep breathing. Breathing requires work. The work is SO important.

I’m on journey. And much like the races that I mentioned earlier, there’s going to be times when I’m out of breath. There’s going to be times when my heart rate goes up a lot. This journey may cause me some anxiety. The trick is to keep breathing.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the proverbial mountain top, but my current plan is to keep climbing. I may fall a bit. I know that I’m going to have setbacks. It’s part of life. Not everything goes smoothly. But, I think I’m going in the right direction. And when times get rough, I will defer to the words of one of my favorite poets, Neil Fallon of Virginia,

“So I take a deep breath and count to ten, ain’t gonna let it get under my skin. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Think of all the nice places that I been.”

The Future of a Past Life.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back at the just about completed first 47 years of my life.

At this point last year, I had just received a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I was already starting to envision how much better my future could be because of that. And almost immediately after that happened, I NEEDED to get a new car. The 24 year old Chevy Blazer that I had was on its way out. As a result of how quickly it all transpired, I was unable to put any money aside and start saving for the eventual car purchase that I planned to make. And since I did make that car purchase without a lot of money put down in advance, a good amount of the my extra (compared to last year) money is going towards payments for the car and insurance. I’m not saying that the new car is a bad thing. I know how good it is. I’m better off with it, but because of it, I’m not really getting ahead financially.

Physically, I have some work to do. I started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I saw really good results with it. I don’t know what I’m doing differently now, but the results aren’t there. In fact, I’ve gained a bit of that weight back. I think it’s going to take a more disciplined approach for me to make this happen. And as I said, I have work to do. As the great philosophers Balle and Perlis have often said, “The work is SO important.”

In recent entries, I’ve talked about some of the steps that I’ve taken to improve my overall health beyond just my weight concerns. I’ve seen improvement with some of those aspects. Others are a work in progress and may always be a work in progress.

My mental health, in particular, has been tested recently. Due to some events, I felt some of the darker urges that I’ve dealt with at various points of my life. Often in my life, I’ve felt that I’ve deserved to suffer. That feeling doesn’t come up often and it’s never motivated me to do anything drastic, and I don’t think it ever will. But, the voice in my head will tell me that I do not deserve good things, success, happiness, or even simple joys. I’m glad to say that I’ve avoided any sort of mental punishment, other than the slight shame that I feel for eating an excessive amounts of potato chips over the past week. But, for the most part, I’m doing okay right now.

Getting back to the original concept of this entry, my life and where it is right now, I’ve given a lot of thought to things in life that scare me. My past scares me. My future scares me. My present is where I exist. Existing in the present isn’t a bad thing, or at least I don’t think it is. The past dictates how I do things. The future is where I end up. But what is my future? I’m trying to figure that out. Another philosopher, Aurelian Smith, Jr. famously said “My history is not my destiny.” I need to figure out how to make that true for myself. That will require work. And we know, the work is SO important.

I’ve given a lot of thought to perspective on life recently. Well, I think about that often, but even more so lately. There’s been a few things that have increased my need to have a good perspective on life. Another quote that helps me think about perspective comes from yet another philosopher, Phillip Jack Brooks from Chicago. He said when people ask him how he’s doing, he’ll simply say “I woke up this morning.” To paraphrase more of what he said, we only have chance at (life). Any day that we wake up is good, whatever good stuff that happens throughout the rest of the day is a bonus.

I know that not every day is going to go as well as we want it to. Some days can be incredibly difficult to get through, especially for those of us that are burdened with depression or other forms of mental illness. I have depression, some anxiety, probably some attention deficit disorder, and maybe other things that haven’t been diagnosed, fleshed out, and/or treated. I deal with it to the best of my ability. I’ve felt some added pressure due to some recent events. I’ve reached out to people. They’ve been supportive. In many cases, that’s all that someone needs. But, some may need more.

I don’t want this entry to be dark and I also don’t want it to be filled with one quote after another from people that I admire, but there’s more quotes to come. I know that I’ve used this one in entries before, and sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll do a social media post says nothing more than “enjoy every sandwich.” That quote comes from Warren Zevon. He had terminal cancer and knew that he was going to die from it. There was no way around it. David Letterman had him on as a guest and asked him if he had any new knowledge or wisdom about life as a result of his diagnosis, and one of the things that he said was “enjoy every sandwich.” To me, there’s no better perspective on life than something so simple.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” This quote (which will likely be the last one that I use in this entry) comes from a Gallifreyan Doctor. It’s another way of saying what I think the theme of this entry has become.

So, where am I? I’m someone that is scared by his past and his future. I do my best to enjoy the present. I’m aware of my fears. How do I deal with them? How do I overcome them? I do not have those answers. And believe it or not, that doesn’t scare me.

Thanks to the CPAP that I spoke to about in my most recent previous entry, I have the chance to get better sleep than I used to. That also means that I’ll potentially wake up with more energy than I’ve been used to having. So, not only will I wake up, but I’ll have more energy? Based on what I’ve said in this entry, I’m already ahead of the game. If I include something like a good sandwich (or maybe chicken wings) later in my day, I’m doing so well.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. My perspective on life is pretty good, I think. I still need to work on dedicating myself to find the motivation to do all of the work that I need to do so I can meet the goal of talking about how much better I am in one year. And through perspective thrust upon me by events in life, the rose colored hindsight glasses have shown me that things that may have been bad weren’t really as bad as I thought they were. They may not have been as good as I had liked, but they weren’t as bad. They’ve also shown me there’s a lot of work to do. But one day, I’ll wake up and I’ll see that the so important work has paid off. I may have an excellent sandwich that day. If that happens, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell in one year.

Break Yourself Through the Clouds and Build Above Those Sleepy Buildings.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

For the past few months, my entries have dealt with my health and some concerns that I had about it. This entry will also deal with that, but I think it may go a little deeper. It’s one thing to have questions about your health, it’s another thing to have some answers, and it’s even better when you’re on the track to improving things.

My March entry discussed how I had no energy. I said that it was more than tired. I could have slept all day, but I would still have no energy. It almost didn’t matter how much I slept. But, as it turns out, I may not have been sleeping. Discussing my lack of energy with my primary doctor, it was suggested that I take part in a sleep study. I did that and the diagnosis came back that I have sleep apnea. I’m on the higher end of the moderate side of it, closing in severe. As soon as I heard that diagnosis, I became so much more calm than I was before. The diagnosis for the issue didn’t cure it, but it did alleviate anxiety related to it.

So, where does that leave me now? Well, for the past two weeks, I’ve been using a CPAP when I sleep. And while I’m still getting used to it and I still wake up in the middle of the night, I have been able to wake up and be more functional in the morning. That alone is a big deal.

The thought of wearing the CPAP mask to sleep brought up some childhood memories that weren’t pleasant. When I was younger, I had two buck teeth and a pronounced overbite. I got braces to deal with the teeth. But, in addition to the braces, my orthodontist gave me a bite plate and headgear to help with the overbite. I was supposed to wear the headgear a lot more than I did. I was terrified of going to school with it. I knew what was coming if I did. And I was right. I was relentlessly mocked for wearing it and I never wore it to school again. In one day, probably a small portion of the day, progress that I needed to make for my health was stunted due to school bullies.

The CPAP isn’t the only thing that I use for my health. I am quite vitamin D deficient, so I take pills for that every day. I suffer from dry eye syndrome, so I use prescribed eye drops for that twice per day. I use a prescribed nasal spray daily to alleviate pressure in my ears. I also recently got custom orthotics made to help deal with my flat feet. The orthotics have already made a noticeable difference. I have significantly less discomfort in the one foot that was mostly impacted by this and that could also lead to my knee and hip having less issues.

Why am I sharing all of this, besides just for the sake of content? It’s not because I want a common theme in my entries from month to month, although, that’s not a bad idea. It’s not because I had nothing else to write about, which is partially true. It’s mostly because there’s nothing wrong with getting help. Doctors exist to help us. Eye drops, orthotics, dental contraptions, and CPAPS are all useful things. There should be no shame felt for any of this. Anyone that makes you feel lesser than for needing any of them is an ass.

As I hinted at in my most recent prior entry, I have seen first hand what could happen to someone who doesn’t listen to doctors or go to them for anything. I don’t want to follow that example. I want to make sure that I can do the things that I need to do in order to be not just healthier, but better. I think I’ve taken the right steps and I’m going in the right direction.

My immediate goal is to get used to using the CPAP. From there, I should start to see my energy levels increase, since the use of it should enhance the quality of my sleep. When that is achieved, with my new levels of energy, I can probably get more accomplished in a day including more impactful workouts. And since I have my custom orthotics in my shoes now, I should be doing less damage to my feet, knees, and hips if I do some cardio work.

One of the things that various doctors have told me is that some of the issues that I have could improve if I were to lose some weight. That’s been a struggle for me lately. Some people that know me may think that I haven’t put forth a lot of effort in that area recently, but the truth is that I haven’t had the energy to do as many workouts as I would like to have done. I truly believe that everything that I’ve discussed here today should help me get to where I need to be physically. And I also hope that when I start to see and feel more physical results, that my mental health will improve a bit too. It’s nice to know why things are the way they are. And as members of GI Joe often said, “knowing is half the battle.”

A Soft Breeze Passed Me By, Somewhat Warmer For a Second.

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This entry will not be one with many edits. I’m going to write it and post it. It is not going to linger in my draft bin and wait for me to finalize it. I’m writing this on April 30, 2024. It may have somewhat of a dark tone to it, but I want to attempt to end it on a positive note. I also know very clearly that if I had written it yesterday, it would be a lot darker.

April 29th is not my favorite day of the calendar year. In fact, it’s my least favorite. While I do enjoy being able to make references to a song that I really (Downset’s “Anger”) all throughout the day, there’s something else weighs on me quite a bit for the past few years. I’m not going to go deep into that particular topic in this entry, but I will say that it’s been covered in previous entries.

My most recent post was centered around my lack of energy and my desire to fix things. I said that I would put forth some effort in making some changes in my life and hopefully getting some positive results. I would like to say that I did some of that. I don’t feel like April was a waste. I got some stuff done.

I’ve talked about my desire to be healthier. I really do want to feel better. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Any way that I can feel better. I’m also very much aware that I cannot do it on my own and that I need guidance and more awareness than I’ve had.

Everything that I’ve said in this entry ties together here:
One of the main reasons that April 29th is such a bad day is because some things cannot be fixed if you don’t know what’s wrong. I am attempting to find out what is wrong. And yesterday, on a day when I’m constantly reminded of past issues, I was told of something that I need to address. Don’t be alarmed by reading that. It’s nothing that requires any procedures or anything like that, it’s basically just something that I’m going to need some assistance with and once I get that assistance, my quality of life could improve a bit. I am being intentionally vague.

Many years ago when I worked in the wonderful world of retail, I was told about “Dashboard Management.” As a supervisor, I cannot get my department going in the right direction if I don’t pay attention to the data on the dashboard and guide the department towards our goals. While I’ve been out of retail for a few years (and grateful for it), I’ve never forgotten that lesson and now I see how I can apply it to myself. I cannot guide myself towards a healthier goal without knowing what I specifically need to address.

Over the past few months, I’ve visited with various types of doctors, some for the very first time. And again, I’ll state that this isn’t anything to alarm anyone. I’m in the last stages of my mid-40s and since I’m lucky enough to have good health insurance, I’m not worried about the expense of medical bills, so I’m going to see whatever medical professional that I think I should see to get some answers. In some of these cases, I’m going to see some doctors because I’ve never seen someone in their particular field before.

How can I get to where I should be if I don’t know where I am?

Another thought that popped into my head while pondering this entry is how much better off I could be in life if the authority figures of my childhood (parents, teachers, counselors) had bothered to address or diagnose some of my issues instead of just labeling me. Was I lazy as a child? Maybe. But, why was I lazy? Was it due to depression and/or some form of attention deficit disorder? Probably. But, did I know that then? No, and even though there were clear signs of depression that I can see via hindsight, nobody did anything to address it. I went to guidance counsellors and teachers for help at times. Instead of getting that help, I was made to feel worse about feeling bad.

Situations like that made me not want to seek help.

I couldn’t go to my parents for help. They were too busy ignoring their own problems to address mine.

What I just said about my parents, while tongue in cheek, is very serious and a major part of what brings me here today with this entry. They ignored their problems. It didn’t matter how much an issue was poking them, they did not/do not address them. No matter how many times something is pointed out, it is ignored.

How can they fix things if they’re unaware? How can they fix things that they choose to ignore? How can they fix things if they simply don’t want to?

I want to fix things. I want to be aware. The expression “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” is complete crap. It can kill you. I’ve become all too aware of that. It can be argued that I haven’t learned much from my past, but I’ve learned some things. And some of those things have been (vaguely) discussed here. I want to be healthy. I need to be. It’s a journey and my dashboard is lighting up.

Channeling Words to Trouble the Quiet.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I am exhausted. It’s more than tired. It’s not having energy. It’s not having motivation. It’s just constant fatigue. It takes me too much effort just to get out of bed every day. What I do from there is almost limited only to what I have to do. Even though I do schedule and plan a lot of things, if it’s nothing something that’s absolutely necessary, I may not do it.

Now that I’ve scared all of you, let me assure you that I’m in the process of addressing my own concerns. I’m also going to make some changes. I’m not quite sure what all of them are yet, but changes are coming. They have to.

There’s not one particular thing that’s been an issue for me lately, other than my usual concerns about life. But, the little things have been getting to me a bit more than usual and they’ve been weighing me down. I’m capable of going out and having a good time, but it’s really like I’m going through the motions with that. I’m stressed. I’m tired. I feel like there’s a lot bottled up. I’m not sure what’s wrong.

I think a theme of this entry is going to be one paragraph describing doom and the next talking about remedies. Just over two years ago, I wrote an entry about starting over. My mindset is currently the same. A new month starts in a few days and with that new month will begin a new dedication. I may have to force myself to do things, but I’m almost at the point where I see no choice.

My lack of motivation to get things done makes me upset that I haven’t gotten things done. Not getting things done kills my motivation to do things. It’s something that I NEED to work on. I don’t know how to do it, especially with my lack of energy. Would I have more energy if I was more active? But can I be more active without energy?

My gym visits used to be specific to the amount of machines that I used. Once I completed that goal and got through a specific amount of time on some form of cardio machine, I would be done there. The length of my gym visits now are determined by how late it is. In my mind, I need to leave there by a certain time, but there’s no reason for it.

Since I’ve passed 40 years of age, I’ve used my age as the reason (possibly excuse) as to why I’m not able to do things like I used to. When I was 39, I was working a job that required me to be there at 6am, sometimes earlier. I would wake up around 4, do a 30ish minute workout in my house before I left for work, and then go to a gym afterwards. I ran various times per week and ALL of the top 10 5k race finish times that I have were when I was 39. Did my metabolism slow down as much as I’ve joked it has since I hit 40? That was almost 8 years ago. Are things just going to get worse?

I know that some of what I’m saying here can be taken as making excuses. I’m not seeing that way, why would I? I’m the one making the excuses, right? No, I’m not. I’m the one that is trying to figure out what’s going on and is committed to making the changes that I need to make. My health depends on it.

I’m prepared to try new methods. As I said earlier, if I have to force myself to do things, I will. Whatever I’ve been doing lately, and by lately, I mean for the past few years, hasn’t been working. I just need to convince myself that I HAVE TO do it, and then I will. I’m good at meeting obligations. I’m not as good with things that I choose to do.

I just turned on a channel that plays music/sounds that are labeled “Zen.” I thought that they would help me concentrate on this since my attention span is awful right now. I was wrong. That channel annoyed me.

Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, there’s a decent amount of things in my life that I cannot control and they do place a burden on me. Those things probably do limit my ability to fully enjoy things, even if I’m not directly dealing with them all of them the time. Maybe if I find a way to worry less about them and more about what I can control, I’ll be on the right track.

I know that this entry has more questions than answers. I’m asking a lot of maybes and what-ifs. I’m not necessarily providing solutions. But, I really don’t know what the solutions are right now. Over the next few days, I’m going to try to do a few things a little bit differently and we’ll see how it goes.

If anyone reads this and thinks that this a darker entry for me, it’s really not. This is me talking out loud (in typing form) and putting my thoughts out there. This is not a cry for help or attention. But, this is also not me refusing help. I’m open to suggestions. As I said earlier, a new month is just a few days away. I’m going to do a trial run of my methods for a few days and start them for real when the new month begins. I’ll report back in one month. At least, if I word things like that, at the very least I’ll my motivation to write something next month. For now, I may just have another nap.