I was on the treadmill the other day, which, if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you’ll know is a victory in itself. The struggle for consistency is a battle I fight daily, and some days, the snooze button wins. On this particular day, however, I had the right music on—some mid-90s alternative rock—and I was feeling pretty good, right up until the point where my knee started to remind me, quite forcefully, that I’m no longer a spry kid running in the park.
It’s always something, isn’t it? Just as one thing starts to click into place—the new running shoes are finally broken in, I’ve managed three solid days of mindful eating, I even finished that time management book I started months ago (the irony is not lost on me)—something else has to pop up to test my commitment. It’s my own personal, real-life quest for balance, and the world seems determined to keep the scales tipped wildly in all the wrong directions.
I’ve written about this before, about how for every personal win, there’s a setback waiting in the wings. It’s like a pro-wrestling script where the face (me, trying to be healthy) finally gets some momentum, only for the heel (Anxiety, physical pain, general malaise) to hit a cheap shot with a folding chair. Wham! Momentum instantly gone.
This time, it’s a new orthotic insert causing a different kind of foot pain, which then puts more strain on the knee that was already an “area of opportunity.” I laughed at the corporate jargon term when I was in retail, but now I see my life is just a series of those areas. Weight loss, time management, sleep quality—all opportunities for improvement.
The important thing, I’m trying to tell myself, is to not let the setback become the story. The pain is real, and it needs attention, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop moving. Maybe the new “remix” of my resolution is to swap the high-impact treadmill for some good, low-impact DDP Yoga for a few weeks. That’s the beauty of having so many tools at my disposal, I just have to remember to use them and not let the inertia of a temporary issue turn into a permanent block.
Because as I’ve learned from watching my favorite action heroes and villains, a good plan can always be adapted. Cobra Commander had a million schemes, and G.I. Joe always had to adjust on the fly. And hey, even if I have to scale back today’s workout, the simple fact that I put my thoughts into words here is a victory, right?
I’m working on seeing the opportunity, not the failure. I’m working on me.
Everything above here in this entry was written by AI. I asked Google Gemini to write a blog entry that sounds like me. It did. The amount of specific things that are mentioned is a bit marvelous and frightening at the same time. The Internet is a wonderful tool. AI is a wonderful tool. Sometimes I wonder if our technology is getting too smart for our own good.
I will be back in December with my 2025 Album of the Year blog entry and my usual year-end entry. And yes, I will have personally written them.
Just two months ago, I wrote an entry about the gratitude that I have for friendships. It touched on a few other things, but the inspiration for that entry was a brief conversation with a friend that I knew through running local 5k races. A few weeks ago, I read a post on Facebook that stated that 5k friend had died. I was (and still am) crushed. He had a heart attack at the very start of a race and that was it. That was a not so subtle reminder of how quickly everything can change.
I’ve definitely had my share of loss. I battle depression. I have anxieties. I’ve been dealing with all of that for years. Being down for so long and not having much to show for anything has made me appreciate so much of what I do have. I have so much gratitude for being here. I have gratitude for the things that I do. I have gratitude for my friends. I’m just very grateful. Perspective keeps me grounded, I believe. But, as obvious by what I said at the start of this entry, bad things can happen. And also, as I’ve often said in entries, it’s another reminder to “enjoy every sandwich” and take nothing for granted.
At one point last year I was at a Professional Wrestling show. I was talking about how grateful I was for the privilege of being gifted those seats and how surreal things can be in my life at times. I was then reminded that both of the people that both of the people that I was attending with could very well have not been there. To be clear, that doesn’t mean that they could have not attended. It means that they had both had scares over the year or so before and may not be with us anymore. I felt silly for being happy about expressing my gratitude for complimentary tickets, since in the grand scheme of things, that wasn’t the important aspect of that moment.
I’ve made jokes about my quest for balance and how I often achieve that by having major setbacks just as something really good happens. A good case being my new car two years ago. I just got a promotion and a significant pay increase. My car broke down very soon after that and I needed to get a new one. And there went my extra income. I’m very much aware of how much better off I am now with the new car. However, I don’t have the extra money.
Life, in general, is full of things like this. It seems that no matter how close I get to goals, something backfires somewhere. I’ve been proverbially under water for most of my life. And to make it worse, I can’t swim. But, I digress. I’ve been under water. Very often I see the life raft and I reach for it, but just as it’s within reach, I’m pulled back down.
My instinct is to shut down. My instinct is to make myself uncomfortable. My mind tells me that I deserve the suffering. My mind tells me that this is how it’s supposed to be. I know that isn’t the right way to do things. My overall shift from misery to gratitude has done wonders for me. I know that I’m so much better off (mentally and emotionally) than I’ve ever been. And yet, I’m still in the same place.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve made bad choices. I’ve also made some very good choices. In the very near future, I may have to make some difficult choices. I may need to make some big changes. As much gratitude as I have for all that I have, could I have more? Would having more in some places mean having less in others? I don’t know. How much time do I have to get things right if all I’m doing is trying to get them right? Will they ever be right? How perfect do I need things to be?
I think the path I’m on, while often a rollercoaster with lots of detours, roadblocks, and traffic stops, has led me to a fork in the road. There are various directions this can go. I want to be able to enjoy every sandwich and be successful. Perhaps I just need to modify my concept of what all of that means.
Just a few weeks ago, I ran my first 5k race of the year. As I turned the first corner in that race, my eyes started to tear up. Not because of the abundance or pollen in the air, but because I was getting a little bit emotional. It’s pretty common for that to happen shortly after a race begins. But, this time, I wasn’t just thinking about the feeling I get for accomplishing a 5k race. It was more complex than that.
My mind was racing, quicker than my legs. To be honest, that’s not difficult at this point, but I digress. Just a few minutes before the race had started, I was talking to a friend who was also running. I know him because of the races that I run. We’ve run so many of the same races that we started talking at them and became friends. My mind went from “it was nice to see him” to “I’ve made friends during races” to “I make friends everywhere” to “holy cow, I have friends!”
Someone realizing that they have friends shouldn’t be a big deal. But, for me, at that (probably inconvenient) moment, it meant everything.
About 11 years ago, I wrote an entry talking about how lonely I felt. I always felt that. I could have been surrounded by people that I knew and was friendly with, but I still felt isolated and lonely. There’s been a few moments in the time since when people have told me that things that countered my feeling, and I’ve doubted it less and less, but that moment in that race, it really sunk in.
My hobbies include watching Professional Wrestling, going to concerts, watching old TV and movies, and running the occasional 5k race. I’ve made friends and acquaintances through every single one of those things. And yet for years, I still felt lonely. I didn’t feel alone, just lonely. Not anymore. Now, I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for things.
It’s taken me a long time to get here but I’ve arrived. How did I get here? It was a long journey. It took a lot of conversations. Some were with myself, which were probably not as productive as they could have been. The voice in my head likes to fill my mind with all of the doubt that it was programmed to believe. One particular conversation with a friend helped to push me over the proverbial hump when he told me that I manifested all of this by just talking to people. That sounds pretty simple, right? And obviously, it was true. But, for some reason, it never sunk in. I could be surrounded by all of those people that I knew just because I started a conversation with them and still feel isolated. But right now, at this very moment, even though nobody is near me as I’m writing this, I don’t feel isolated, lonely, or separated from people.
I don’t just feel connected to other people. I feel connected to myself. Maybe that was the key to unlock the door? I’m not going to analyze that thought too much right now. But, I am proud of myself for realizing it and for thinking of that wording.
What did I just say there? “I am proud of myself.” I used to never be able to say that and believe it. Now, I do believe it. If being ashamed is the opposite of being proud, I don’t know if I was every truly ashamed of myself, but I just wasn’t proud. I was made to feel ashamed of myself, often for things that others had done. That weighed me down for years. Positive reinforcement can do wonders for someone. It just takes a lot longer to undo the piles of negativity that have been placed on top of you.
As I’m writing this, I’m less than 24 hours away from running in my 50th official 5k race. I can’t help but think “wow” when I think about that. My finish times are slower than they used to be. I’m working on that. But, while running ONE 5k, let alone 50, is something that should be celebrated, this entry isn’t about my physical races. It’s really about the race inside of my head. And from where my mind is right now, it looks like when I turned that corner a few weeks ago, I really did turn a corner.
I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.
I’ve taken my health seriously for a while. That really only meant that I’ve regularly had my annual physical for almost 15 years. I go to my dentist and eye doctor regularly. It wasn’t until 2024 when I really started to dig deeper.
I took a simple step by seeing a foot specialist. This was to address the pain in my left foot, particularly in my big toe. I even brought an extra left shoe. to the appointment to show the doctor how the soles get worn out on my left shoes. He took one look and knew exactly what my problem was. I have flat feet and collapses arches. I was given custom orthotics for my feet and it’s helped A LOT.
Another thing I did was going to a sleep specialist. From the study that they did, it was determined that I have sleep apnea and I had averaged 24.5 episodes per hour. To be clear, that meant in that study, I had stopped breathing 24.5 times on average, per hour, while sleeping. That sounds scary, right? I now use CPAP machine when I sleep and my episodes per hour have dropped to an average of 1.5. In so many of my entries here I’ve talked about my lack of energy. The sleep apnea was a BIG reason for my lack of energy. I was not getting a good night’s sleep, no matter how many hours I was in bed.
Like past years, I competed in a few 5k races. My results weren’t at the levels when I was at my best. But what is my best now? Is just finishing my best? Are my personal records out of reach? I don’t think there’s any shame in not being incapable of running as well as I did. It’s natural that my abilities have changed since I was in my late 30s. I’m now in my late 40s and the “Big Five O” is approaching somewhat quickly. However, I’m determined to compete in more races in 2025 than I did in 2024. I also aim to achieve better results than I did in 2024. How am I going to do this?
I am committing myself to my physical health in 2025. That means that I WILL drop the extra weight that I put on during the year. Unfortunately, that weight is what I had hoped to lose in 2024 and then-some. I’m going to make some healthier choices with food and drink. I’m going to re-commit myself to exercise via apps that I have, YouTube pages, and the gym. I’m going to do the work. The work is SO important.
It isn’t just my physical health that I’m committing to, it’s my mental health. Make no mistake, I’ve taken my mental health very seriously over the past few years. I’m VERY PROUD of the progress and decisions that I made about my mental health in 2024.
I’ve started using apps to check in every day about my mental health. I’ve begun attempting meditation. I say attempting, because I’m not good at it… yet. I’ve starting using card with affirmations to remind me of how good things are. Which leads me to the next thing that I want to discuss.
There’s also things I did not do this year. I felt it would be better for me to NOT participate in them. In the past, I would have said that quitting was just easier for me. Not partaking seemed more convenient. But I don’t see it that way now. I see it was me protecting myself from uncomfortable, awkward, and (most importantly) unhealthy situations.
As someone who has often had problems being optimistic about basically anything, I was always focused on what I don’t have. That mindset has changed a bit for me and now I really do focus on what I have. And I don’t just focus on that specific things, I’ve focused on the gratitude that I have for what I’ve been able to achieve and/or been allowed to achieve.
I was recently at an event. I discussed a specific moment of gratitude with someone very important to me. During that discussion, she pointed out something significant. I was attending that event with two people. These two individuals were close to death at various points over the past few years. She was right. It took my gratitude for all of it to a new level. I appreciate that amount of perspective. I’m glad that I have it. And the amount of gratitude that I have for her (on various levels) is huge.
In addition to things that I’ve already discussed, if there’s any “area of opportunity” in my life that I need to work on, it’s my finances. Like, the other things that I’ve discussed, I think that I have the tools at my disposal to make the necessary changes to get things back under control and to make a difference. Steps have already been taken to make it happen. I just need to do the work. And, as we know, the work is SO important.
Two things that I always mention in my end of year entry are my reading goals and a specific workout goal. I did not come close to my reading goal. I always want to read at least 12 books per year. I read 6. But, I read a few comic books too. Does that count? The specific workout goal is my ability to do a Black Crow pose in the DDP Yoga workouts. According to what I’ve written, I managed to get one done in 2021. Still, I do know that I did it at least once in 2024, just not well. My new goal there is to be able to get it done and hold it for more than a second or two.
For some reason, I opened my 2014 end of year entry today and read it. I guess it didn’t hurt to see how I was feeling 10 years ago. My immediate thought was “wow, I haven’t changed much.” I did not like that perspective on it. I think I have. I think I’m in a much better place than I’ve been in a very long time, if not ever. I know that things aren’t perfect, but I also know that I have the tools at my disposal to make things better. I may not have all of the skills to get it all done on my own, but I don’t need to. I’m content. I’m not complacent. I’m grateful.
In my entry from this past June, I quoted a bunch of people. One was Philip Jack Brooks. His philosophy on life and when asked how he’s doing, he’ll reply “I woke up today.” He explained how that’s a good thing. He seems to have gratitude as well. I also talked about Warren Zevon and his “Enjoy Every Sandwich” outlook to life. I’ve used that one for a while. But, it seems to me that the various pieces of the happiness/gratitude puzzle are coming together for me better than they have before. Things are making sense.
My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2025 to be better than my 2024. I’m going to make a significant effort to see that through. It may be a difficult road at times, but I’m going to keep navigating forward. I don’t know where I’ll end up on that road. If I keep going on the path that I’m on, I believe that when I start writing my 2025 year-end entry, I will say, “I woke up today, I enjoyed every sandwich, and I appreciated every moment with every person.” If I can say that, the year will have been pretty good. And, I’ll be very grateful for that.
I’m on a self-improvement journey. That’s what I’ve been telling myself and my readers for a while. It wasn’t until somewhat recently that I’ve really started to believe it for myself. I’m making progress. I’ve been told about it. And like I just said, I’m starting to believe it.
So many bad habits, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings were programmed into me for years. Parents, teachers, classmates, society in general. I have so many sources for it. To be completely clear, I’m not blaming anyone. I’m stating how I see it and I’m trying to fix things for myself.
During this past August, I was incredibly disciplined with my workouts and my mindfulness. I was working towards a specific goal. I wanted to be ready for a 5k that I was going to run at the end of the month. Once that passed, the workouts went by the wayside again. Other good practices that I truly enjoyed during the month also fell apart. I’ve joked (too often) that the start of a new month means that I can start again. Well, I’m planning to do that again with the new month that starts tomorrow.
I felt good about myself during August. I was putting in the important work and I truly felt the difference. Now, at the end of September, I don’t feel as good about myself. I don’t feel bad about myself. Just not as good. While, I’ve slacked with certain things, I also think that I improved some other areas of my life too.
I’ve often spoken of my need for balance. I don’t think I want balance right now. I don’t want to give up on some things while improving others. I want to improve all of them. I guess balance could still be a part of that. However, I may need to adjust the scales of my life a bit. Of course, while I adjust those scales, I really want to decrease the number on the scales that weigh me, but that’s part of my self-improvement journey.
I have a good support system. I have resources at my disposal. I need to use these resources. If they’re apps or books, I need to take advantage of their lessons. If they’re friends, I need to reach out and hear their words. Not just listen to them, but hear them. But, they also need to listen to me. You cannot help me if you don’t where I’m coming from. You cannot help me if you don’t know why I think the way I think. You cannot help me if you do not understand me.
Digging deeper into that last paragraph. I’ve begun to listen to others more closely. I’ve made it a point to hear their words. It’s just another aspect that I’m trying to improve.
I need to escape the behaviors, patterns, and thoughts that bring me down. I need to be better. I need to do the work to get there. And, I think I’m on the right track. Every so often, my mind tries to tell me that I’m not doing it, but I try to ignore it.
I’ve been told that I often look back too much. I don’t know if that’s completely true. Even if I do look back often, I think it’s necessary. You cannot get to where to you want to be if you don’t know where you’ve been. My past (good and bad) has brought me to where I am today. Only through understanding where I’ve been can I get to where I want to be.
So, where am I going? I’m not totally sure. But, I know that I’m heading forward. I also know that I like where I am. Where I am is good.
There’s a lot of things that I don’t believe in and have never believed. But, the one thing that I’ve spent most of my life not believing in was myself. I’ve lacked confidence and I’ve had esteem issues. I’ve been put down. I’ve been doubted. Their doubts became my doubts. Their concerns became my reality.
In a recent entry, I spoke about “Dashboard Management” and the ability to work towards one’s goals. I think that I’m on a good path right now. I’m still not completely sure of the destination, but I think that the direction I’m going in is forward. And any forward momentum is good momentum.
I’ve recently added some mostly daily practices to help me achieve calmness and attempt to take a more mindful approach to things in life. I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt something could stress me out a bit and I’ve stopped to assess the situation and I’ve managed to calm myself down and not get anxious over it. I don’t know if I would have been capable of doing that even as recently as a few months ago.
During the course of this past month, I’ve accomplished something that I’ve flat out told people was not possible for me. I’ve said that there was no way that I could be ranked within the top 100 users of the DDP Yoga Now app. I just thought it was too much for me to handle to get there. At the beginning of the month, I saw that there were over 45,000 people using that app. Not only am I ranked AT 100 (at the time that I’m typing this), but I was 84 at one point during the month. And to be honest, as much work and effort as it took, it didn’t take as much as I thought. But, I did have to do the work. And as we’ve established, the work is SO important.
I don’t know when you’re reading this, but as of this moment, there’s about 13 hours until I run my next 5k race. It will be my 47th overall race. I don’t know well I’ll do in it compared to my others. The last two that I did were my slowest ones. I haven’t completed a 5k in under 30 minutes in almost six years. I do not expect to do so tomorrow. Is this not believing in myself? I don’t think so. I think it’s a matter of being realistic about my expectations. But, I am feeling good about the race, overall. So far.
I’m making changes. I’m doing things differently. I’m trying new things. I’m doing all of these things because not everything that I’ve done before has worked out so well. Not everything has been bad, but there’s been too many things that didn’t succeed as I would have wanted them to. Change is needed. I need to adjust my methods, my thinking, and my beliefs.
I don’t need to believe in myths, legends, stories, iconography, or fairy tales, I need to believe in me. It’s time for ME to believe that I’m capable. It’s taken me a long time to even start to understand any of this.
Why did I bring up the 5k specifically? Not just because it’s tomorrow, but because I’ve often said that no matter how well I do in one of those, even if my finish isn’t nearly as quick as I hoped it would be, ever single time that I cross a finish line, I’ve accomplished something. That means (in the case of 5ks) that I’ve succeeded 46 times. I have zero failures. I just have results that weren’t as fast as others. I put forth the effort and I get a result.
How do 5ks and everything else tie together? Belief. That’s how. I NEED to believe in me. In last month’s entry, I mentioned a quote from Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. Another quote that he likes to refer to is one from Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” For way too long, I’ve lived in a World of Can’t. It’s way past time for me to move into the World of Can, or at least a World of Can’t, yet.
It doesn’t matter where I’ve been and I will not be a slave to my previous mindset once again. Thinking one thing is one thing. Believing in it, is another. I’ve believed in nothing for too long. It’s time to believe in ME. And I think I’m getting there.
This may seem like an overly simplified statement, but there is nothing that you do that is more important that breathing. Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. often says “If you own your breath, you will be on your way to owning your life.” It’s taken me close to five decades to figure that out, but it’s starting to click.
When people are stressed, they’re often told to breathe. I’ve heard various Yoga instructors talk about “cleansing breaths.” None of that made sense to me until somewhat recently. How can breathing not make sense? Well, because I never thought about it.
As I’ve talked about in recent entries, I’ve been diagnosed with sleep apnea. For those that may not know, the Mayo Clinic defines sleep apnea as “a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts.” So yeah… Imagine my horror when a sleep study informed me that (on average) I would stop breathing 24 times per hour when sleeping. Thanks to my CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, I’m now averaging only 1.5 episodes per hour. The trick is to keep breathing and the machine makes the trick happen.
I attempt to run 5k races. I word it that way due to how often I stop running and start walking during those races. But, I digress. I often have to remind myself to take deep breaths during the run. My heart rate will spike and through breathing, I can get it come down a bit. I know that there’s other factors at play here, but my breath is the key to all of this.
I would tell you that I’ve started meditating, but that’s almost overstating my participation in the practice at this point. Through one program that I’m in, I downloaded a course on how to meditate. When I finally got around to attempting to learn the practice, I couldn’t figure out my password and I had trouble logging in. I was eventually able to get in and started it, but by the time I started, I was a bit frustrated and I didn’t get the full impact of the lesson. A few weeks later, I tried another program and had other, somewhat similar issues. I laughed it off and attempted to learn again. Being at one with my breath is not something that I’m particularly good at… yet.
There’s various aspects of my life that I need to improve. I have a lot of work to do. And as I said in last month’s entry, the work is SO important. Something else that I mentioned in that same entry was how recent life events have impacted my perspective on things. I believe that my need to improve, to grow, and to heal was greatly amplified by an event that recently happened. I’m not going to mention specifics of that here, since it’s not my story to tell. I’ll just say that it opened up a lot of thoughts.
The overall majority of the thoughts that were opened up were centered around the concept of attempting to fix wrongs in my life. My thoughts spiraled a lot for a while, but it always came back to the concept of “how can I fix this?” I don’t think that I’ve mentioned this in any of my entries over the past two or years, but I have been speaking to a therapist regularly. My discussions are often about current things in my life, and once the dust settles a bit, I want to start attempting to dive deeper in the root causes of things. I know how very uncomfortable that may be for me. But, I think it’s necessary. I may need to practice mindful breathing during those discussions. The trick is to keep breathing. Breathing requires work. The work is SO important.
I’m on journey. And much like the races that I mentioned earlier, there’s going to be times when I’m out of breath. There’s going to be times when my heart rate goes up a lot. This journey may cause me some anxiety. The trick is to keep breathing.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the proverbial mountain top, but my current plan is to keep climbing. I may fall a bit. I know that I’m going to have setbacks. It’s part of life. Not everything goes smoothly. But, I think I’m going in the right direction. And when times get rough, I will defer to the words of one of my favorite poets, Neil Fallon of Virginia,
“So I take a deep breath and count to ten, ain’t gonna let it get under my skin. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Think of all the nice places that I been.”
For the past few months, my entries have dealt with my health and some concerns that I had about it. This entry will also deal with that, but I think it may go a little deeper. It’s one thing to have questions about your health, it’s another thing to have some answers, and it’s even better when you’re on the track to improving things.
My March entry discussed how I had no energy. I said that it was more than tired. I could have slept all day, but I would still have no energy. It almost didn’t matter how much I slept. But, as it turns out, I may not have been sleeping. Discussing my lack of energy with my primary doctor, it was suggested that I take part in a sleep study. I did that and the diagnosis came back that I have sleep apnea. I’m on the higher end of the moderate side of it, closing in severe. As soon as I heard that diagnosis, I became so much more calm than I was before. The diagnosis for the issue didn’t cure it, but it did alleviate anxiety related to it.
So, where does that leave me now? Well, for the past two weeks, I’ve been using a CPAP when I sleep. And while I’m still getting used to it and I still wake up in the middle of the night, I have been able to wake up and be more functional in the morning. That alone is a big deal.
The thought of wearing the CPAP mask to sleep brought up some childhood memories that weren’t pleasant. When I was younger, I had two buck teeth and a pronounced overbite. I got braces to deal with the teeth. But, in addition to the braces, my orthodontist gave me a bite plate and headgear to help with the overbite. I was supposed to wear the headgear a lot more than I did. I was terrified of going to school with it. I knew what was coming if I did. And I was right. I was relentlessly mocked for wearing it and I never wore it to school again. In one day, probably a small portion of the day, progress that I needed to make for my health was stunted due to school bullies.
The CPAP isn’t the only thing that I use for my health. I am quite vitamin D deficient, so I take pills for that every day. I suffer from dry eye syndrome, so I use prescribed eye drops for that twice per day. I use a prescribed nasal spray daily to alleviate pressure in my ears. I also recently got custom orthotics made to help deal with my flat feet. The orthotics have already made a noticeable difference. I have significantly less discomfort in the one foot that was mostly impacted by this and that could also lead to my knee and hip having less issues.
Why am I sharing all of this, besides just for the sake of content? It’s not because I want a common theme in my entries from month to month, although, that’s not a bad idea. It’s not because I had nothing else to write about, which is partially true. It’s mostly because there’s nothing wrong with getting help. Doctors exist to help us. Eye drops, orthotics, dental contraptions, and CPAPS are all useful things. There should be no shame felt for any of this. Anyone that makes you feel lesser than for needing any of them is an ass.
As I hinted at in my most recent prior entry, I have seen first hand what could happen to someone who doesn’t listen to doctors or go to them for anything. I don’t want to follow that example. I want to make sure that I can do the things that I need to do in order to be not just healthier, but better. I think I’ve taken the right steps and I’m going in the right direction.
My immediate goal is to get used to using the CPAP. From there, I should start to see my energy levels increase, since the use of it should enhance the quality of my sleep. When that is achieved, with my new levels of energy, I can probably get more accomplished in a day including more impactful workouts. And since I have my custom orthotics in my shoes now, I should be doing less damage to my feet, knees, and hips if I do some cardio work.
One of the things that various doctors have told me is that some of the issues that I have could improve if I were to lose some weight. That’s been a struggle for me lately. Some people that know me may think that I haven’t put forth a lot of effort in that area recently, but the truth is that I haven’t had the energy to do as many workouts as I would like to have done. I truly believe that everything that I’ve discussed here today should help me get to where I need to be physically. And I also hope that when I start to see and feel more physical results, that my mental health will improve a bit too. It’s nice to know why things are the way they are. And as members of GI Joe often said, “knowing is half the battle.”
Perspective is a good thing. But, it’s not always easy to see that. I’ve had a few bad days in a row. But, have I really? A few things that are out of my control have impacted me. If you combine that with other things that were stressing me out, and you have me feeling like I’m on the verge of snapping. But, for what? I’ve had much worse days than the last few have been. I’ve encountered much worse scenarios than I’ve dealt with over the last few days. I like to remind myself of that.
At my job, I feel somewhat overworked at times, but I also know that it’s the best job that I’ve ever had. I’m paid better than I’ve ever been before. I have the best health benefits that I could hope for. The job is good. A day or two of a heavy workload isn’t a bad thing. And while I walked into work today a little bit on edge after dealing with a few days in a row that annoyed me, a co-worker told me that he’s heard people talking about how great my work ethic is. My mood changed a bit after that. In fact, that one brief conversation probably changed the entire course of my day and this blog entry.
My problems are my problems. They’re not yours. We all have unique situations, regardless of how similar they may be. I’m also a firm believer of someone having to feel what they need to feel in the moment. If you need to be sad, be sad. Get it out of your system. If you’re angry, be angry. Get it out of your system. It’s the best way to get through it, even if it’s only temporarily.
Looking back on my younger days when I thought that whatever I was going through was rough, I sometime laugh about how simple I had it back then. My younger self would be horrified to hear what the older version of me has gone through. That brings me back to the concept of perspective and how good it is to understand it. Just because my younger self went through things that seem trivial now, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t a big deal to me then.
So yeah, I’ve been stressed about various things recently. I haven’t been able to get nearly as much done as I would have liked to in the first month of the year. I feel like I’m always behind in my goals (at least the few that I seem to have). Playing catch-up is another thing that can cause me stress. I just have to remind myself that forward progress is forward progress. The speed of it may not be relevant.
I run 5k races from time to time. Or at least, I participate in them. The running part is debatable. But, I digress. Those races have taught me that starting something and finishing it is rewarding. Even my slower finishes (and most of my recent ones have been my slower ones) have me accomplishing something that I’m proud of. I think the point of this has something more to do with perspective.
I had no idea what I was going to write about when I started this. This process stressed me out a little bit today. I’ve committed myself to writing (at least) one entry per month and since I don’t do well with deadlines, that’s why there’s usually towards the very end of each month. But think about that, this little unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) task bothered me. Why? It’s about a goal. I like accomplishing them.
But, what goals do I have in life? I’m so far behind where most people of my age are. Should that bother me more? I’m aware of how much worse things could be for me than they are now. I’m also aware that they could be better. Should I focus on either of those perspectives?
Right now, at this very moment, I’m going to focus on wrapping up this entry. I’m then shortly after that, I’m going to wrap up my day. With any luck, I’ll get a decent amount of sleep. And from there, in the morning, I can start fresh. A new day. A new month. A new start.
I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.
I managed to get through 2023 without any health issues. I had my share of sinus related problems, as I always do, but that was it. I had started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I did really well with it for a while, but as it often happens with these things, I had a setback and I’ve put on some of the pounds that I had lost. One of my goals for 2024 is to not only lose all of the weight that I had gained, but to get to my actual goal weight, which I was closing in on during 2023. I was so close, yet so far.
As the world continues to open up to “normal” activities coming, a lot of local towns started having their 5ks again. Some are still skipping them and some just aren’t going to happen any more. I was able to compete in five of them during the year. None of the finishes during those races were my all-time slowest, but they were all some of my slowest. I’m not upset about that because it’s always a good thing when I finish a race, but I would like better results. That is a goal for 2024, and it ties together with the weight loss and fitness. And like many years, except 2021, I was not able to successfully do a DDPY Black Crow. Maybe I’ll put more effort into that as well.
Since I’ve enrolled in a book reading challenge, 2022 was the only year that I was able to meet my goal of reading 12 books or more during the calendar year. 2022 is still the only year that I’ve met that goal. I was only able to get 8 books completed in 2023. I’ll find ways to meet the goal in 2024.
Nothing stresses me out more easily or frequently than my financial situation. But, 2023 saw a change there that has alleviated some of the stress. In June, I was given a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I started to think of plans of what to do with the money. The plan was to save up to have enough to make a nice first payment on a new car. The car that I was driving was a 1999 Chevy Blazer that I had since July of 2000. I started with that car with 11,161 miles and ended with 268,331. Yes, it ended. The air conditioner in it died and I was told that it wasn’t worth fixing. So, my plan was thrown off and I had to scramble to get a new car, which I did. So, while I make more money, I’m making car payments now. I wasn’t completely prepared for it. But, while I’m able to afford it, it did set me back a bit. My number one goal is 2024 is to get my finances in order. I know that will require me to (possibly) cut back on some things. I often talk about balance. There’s usually a very big high in my life followed by a very big low. I don’t want that with my fiances in 2024. I just want balance. As in balanced books, accounts, etc.
My social life in 2023 was really good. Seriously good. And it wasn’t just good because of the people in my life, I think it was good because of my appreciation for things. I’ve really begun to appreciate my people a bit more. I think there’s various reasons for that, but overall, it was a very good year for me. And if you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of it. No matter how big or small of a part that you played.
So many times over the last few years, I said that my life had become surreal. It’s still quite surreal, but as I just said about my social life, I have such an appreciation for the surrealness. The surrealness is becoming part of my normal. I get to be a part of things that wouldn’t have seemed possible to me a few years ago. Now, I’m a part of so much and it’s amazing to me how much of I enjoy right now is directly from the 1990s. While that may cover a lot of ground, and I don’t have the time to get into specifics of it, since it would take a long time to type and I don’t want to bore anyone that bothers to read this. But, seriously, I can pinpoint various things from the early-mid 1990s and they’ve somehow led me directly to where I am today.
I’ve appeared in various music videos over the past two years. I’ve done backing vocals on an album. I’ve reconnected with friends. I’ve strengthened friendships. I’ve created new ones. I’ve really enjoyed it all.
And while on the subject of the 1990s, I started reading comic books again during the year. But, in order to not have more collections of things, I’ve been reading the digital versions, and I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying being back in that world again. Of course what I’ve been reading is mostly the new versions of stuff that I enjoyed in my younger days. But, it’s just so good to have it all be new again.
My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2024 to be better than my 2023. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s achievable. But, I think it’ll require a bit more effort than I put forth in 2023. I think the biggest motivation for me to put forth all of the necessary effort is that I’m pretty sure that I’m at the point (or beyond it, depending on your perspective of “norm”) where I have no choice. I need do to more to achieve more. When I look back one year from now, I hope to have good things to say about that. And moreso than other years, I think I’m in a good position to get it done. And, I think that I have more support and ability than I’ve had before. There’s 366 days in 2024. That gives me ONE MORE DAY to make it all happen.
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