Category Archives: Symbolism

Don’t Tell Us What’s Right, Don’t Tell Us What’s Wrong.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Like many people of my age, I spent many days after school watching G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero on TV. Along with Transformers, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Voltron, and Robotech, it was of my favorite cartoons. I always knew the cartoon was a little bit cheesy and the animation was cheap, but none of that mattered. I was fully entertained for the 30 minutes that I spent watching it.

There were a few episodes that stood out to me as favorites or very memorable. I even learned what deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) is from the 1986 mini-series in which Doctor Mindbender created a super human to lead Cobra by extracting DNA from the unearthed remains of some of the greatest generals and conquerors of all time as well as other notable historic figures. I was in 4th grade when I saw that and I very clearly remember being excited and proud that I knew the answer to “Does anyone know what DNA stands for?” when it was asked in my high school biology class. I knew the answer, and remember kids, knowing is half the battle.

But, when it comes down to just one episode that I say was my definite favorite, the one that I remember the most, it would be the one that aired on Tuesday, December 2, 1985. No, I didn’t know that date from memory, I went to IMDB.com to find it. The episode was called “Cold Slither” and in the episode Cobra Commander is informed that his organization is broke and he needs a quick scheme to make money. He comes up with the idea go have a gang that he often works with, Zartan and his Dreadnoks become a rock band to they can control the masses with subliminal messages, make money, and take over the world. It seems like a good scheme, right?

The band that they create is called Cold Slither and their eponymous song was a big hit, until GI Joe put a stop to all of, as they do.

I’m not going to spend this entire entry going over the plot of that episode, although, I could. But, if you want to see it, you can just click the link right after this sentence and enjoy its greatness for yourself.
https://youtu.be/NGBpP2B83E8?si=X2N_YNay_UufKCsS

As I said, this episode was the most memorable of the series for me. For 40 years, the “Cold Slither” song was in my head. Occasionally, I would go back and watch it for fun. Last year, I even bought a Cold Slither t-shirt from 80stees.com, which does not sponsor me, but I’m plugging them anyway. So, as you can tell, I am a fan of that episode.

Earlier this year, I saw a post that there would be a San Diego Comic-Con exclusive 40th anniversary collection of Cold Slither action figures, featuring Zartan and the Dreadnocks in their Cold Slither attire. I thought that was pretty cool, and was glad to see this great episode getting some attention.

Just about two months ago, YouTube suggested a video to me, it was called “Cold Slither – Official Lyric Video, The Anthem That Shook the World.” Naturally, I clicked the link (and you can too, right here) and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it was a new recording of the classic Cold Slither theme song. I immediately went to the Google and discovered that there was a real band going around as Cold Slither now and not just that, they had played a show in conjunction with the San Diego Comic-Con, and were going to be playing a show when the New York Comic-Con would be happening just about on month later. Being that I live near New York City, I had to know more.

After confirming the date of the concert, I informed my girlfriend about the show and how much I wanted to go. She agreed to go with me, so I got the tickets. I listened to their full-length album a few times before going to the show. Yes. They have a full-length album, and it’s good. Is it good enough to appear in my Top 10 Albums of the Year blog that will be posted in late December? You’ll just have to wait to find out.

The show itself was loads of fun. They start off with the GI Joe cartoon intro, and then Cobra Commander appeared on a screen to discuss how he didn’t like being in New York, due to that incident on the Statue of Liberty in 1987 (see the opening of the 1987 GI Joe movie for that reference). From there, Cold Slither took the stage and played all of the songs from their album. The final song of their set was “Cold Slither.” The song from the episode. I sang along. Every word. I had a huge smile on my face, and I felt emotional. I’ll explain more about that in a minute.

The encore for the band was them coming back and singing “Cold Slither” again, but this time with more audience participation. At their San Diego show, the encore included an appearance by Jem (yes, the actual singer from the 1980s Jem cartoon) to sing the Jem theme. We didn’t get that, unfortunately. That would have been truly outrageous. Yeah, I said it.

When the show was over, the band did a meet and greet downstairs. They were all in character. Ripper handed out donuts while talking about how he wanted some grape soda, while Torch and Buzzer talked about how much they wanted some as well. As someone who knew the characters, I was loving every second of this. I got to speak to Zartan, the singer for a moment. I said “this may sound weird, or it may make a lot of sense, but I can’t thank you enough for tonight. I’ve been singing that song for 40 years and to be able to do it tonight was so much fun. Thank you. As you can probably tell, I’m a fan.” Zartan rolled down his arm band a bit to show me a GI Joe themed tattoo and he said “So am I. Thank you.”

While, on the surface, my conversation with Zartan was nice and it was just two people showing their appreciation for the legacy of the cartoon and the franchise, as a whole, it was a lot deeper than that. Being that I liked the band so much, I wanted to know more about the individual members and the bands that they’re in. Zartan is portrayed by Gus Rios. He’s played drums in bands such as Malevolent Creation, Gruesome, and Left to Die. That’s a good resume, but that it isn’t what made an impact on me. It was his story about depression, his attempt on his own life, and how as a child, his toys such as GI Joe and the Transformers were his friends.

I found that to be very powerful. I often locked myself away in my basement and played with the GI Joe and Transformers toys that I had. I would sometimes mix in the Star Wars toys too in a massive intergalactic war, but I digress. I don’t know if playing with the toys and feeling connections to the characters had as deep of an impact on me as it did with Gus Rios, but I could relate to his story. I’m glad that he was able to share it. Not just because it’s a good story, but because he’s with us and he got to enjoy being a part of the lore that he enjoyed so much as a kid.

You never know what someone is going through. You never know how much something as simple as attending a concert, even one that is featuring a band based on one episode of a children’s cartoon from 40 years ago, can mean to someone. I had a great time at that show. It was a very memorable experience. By no means did the show attract a large crowd, but it attracted people who were very passionate about what they were about to see (and some significant others that were with them to support them). And the people that bought the tickets enjoyed 60ish minutes of nostalgia in the form of heavy metal music, and some videos in which I’m pretty sure Cobra Commander indoctrinated all of us into his “ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.”

Was this a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me? It very well could have been. Yes, it meant that much to me, and others. The GI Joe and Transformers universe mean that much to me. Their recent co-existence in the new Energon Universe comic books is what brought me back to the world of comics. So, as I said those 60ish minutes were magical. And for the time that I was there, I felt like I was (said in Destro’s voice from the “Revenge of Cobra” mini-series) “on the roof of the world.”

Find Yourself a Better Way to Meet the Future.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

In what seems like a lifetime ago, during my retail days, I would hear lots of corporate jargon. Upper management would feed us terms like “area of opportunity.” I couldn’t stand that term when I first heard it. I also didn’t really understand it. Now, I am a bit older. I’ve (possibly) become a bit wiser. I do understand it and I’m working on some areas of opportunity in my own life.

Understanding the term is not enough. It is important to understand that something I haven’t accomplished is not a failure. Something I struggle with isn’t a loss. Both are opportunities for improvement.

One thing in my life that I’ve had consistent struggle with lately has been my weight. No matter how much I want to lose weight, I haven’t been able to do it. I have so many tools at my disposal to be healthier and to get the work done, but I haven’t been able to do enough with it. I know that it isn’t just that I’m not getting results, but I haven’t done enough. I’ve had success before, and I will again. But, there’s more factors at play here too.

Another thing that I really need to time management. If I managed time better, would I be able to have more time to do some more work on exercise and my weight? I started reading a book earlier in the year about time management, but I still haven’t finished it. There’s irony there. One of the lessons that I read and learned from the book is about how people often sacrifice personal time in favor of work. We’ve been programmed to feel worse about not getting tasks done than if we don’t do something for ourselves. In my case, I think that I need to realize that my exercise/weight loss work is both personal and a task.

I like when I achieve goals. Even the simple ones like making sure that I come home to a clean room with a made bed after going out. Finishing a 5k race is a great feeling for me, even if my time is slower than it used to be.

Some tasks need more time and effort than others. I need to do more for myself. I need to find ways to get things done. I need to come up with ways to find, or make, time to guarantee that my goals are met. And that includes things like writing this particular entry.

I’m enjoying my life a bit more than I’m used to. Things are good for me. Perhaps I should put more focus on things like that and not the things that aren’t good. But, as I stated earlier, it’s the programming. My lack of success is more prominent in my mind than my success. But, if I changed my mindset, I would not think of lack of success as a failure. Instead, I should see it as an “area of opportunity.” Maybe then I’ll be enthusiastic about the opportunity to fix it. Enthusiasm is better for me than negative thoughts. I guess my mindset about areas of opportunity is also another area of opportunity for me to work on.

I’ll Rephrase My Cry, For I Would Keep on Wondering the Rest of My Life.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back as the 49th anniversary of my birth is just days away.

This upcoming birthday is a tough one for me. It’s the last one before the big “five o.” For the past few years, I’ve seen myself as being on a roller coaster slowly heading towards 50. And, I’m heading towards the last descent to it. That particular age milestone is on the horizon. I feel this reflective entry may be deeper than others I’ve made.

If I compare myself to where I was at this point last year, it’s a bag of mixed results. I was in a weird emotional place last year. I faced things that I’ve never faced before. I don’t want to face them again. I’m financially better off, in the sense that I make more money than I have before. I’m financially the same in the sense that my expenses don’t go down and I have trouble saving anything.

My weight has blown up to the highest that it’s ever been. I am very much aware of that. I know that as we get older, it is much more difficult to lose weight. Getting in shape also becomes harder. I’ve made good progress before and I WILL make good progress there again. It requires a lot more dedication and effort than I’ve ever put in before. It will need some lifestyle changes. I’ve been taught the lessons. I just need to put things in practice (again) and good results will happen.

Sometimes I wonder if my overall progress in life is stunted by emotional trauma. Can I not move past things into new chapters because I’m too scared to do it? Some of you may find this difficult to believe, but I do sometimes overthink things. Sometimes, a lot. I usually convince myself that I will fail if I do things differently.

One of the things that I’ve attempted over the course of the past year is to be more mindful. I’ve attempted daily (guided) meditation. I say “attempted” because I can’t shut my mind up when I do it. It drifts often. I don’t get too discouraged. The guides often say, “if you’ve drifted, now is a time to come back.” The truth of the matter is that I do enjoy my effort here. I feel that it’s helping me.

I’ve always had difficulty thinking about my future. This may go back to the trauma thing. I can’t picture what my life will be. I’ve only been able to see what it is and what it was. There’s been some change there as I’ve recently been able to see what I don’t want my life to be. If that makes sense. It does to me. That’s a good thing, right? I know what I don’t it to be. I just have to make sure to not end up where I don’t want to be. I believe that’s a step in the right direction.

I had planned to reference my first full length entry on this site during the course of this one. I will do so. When I went back in the archive, I looked at THE very first entry. I think it sums up the previous paragraph pretty well. Although, after reading it I wonder if I’ve made any progress in life. Am I overthinking all of it by saying that? Or, is it possible that the previous paragraph shows that I’m finally getting there?

The first full length entry that I did on here was called Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Balance. I published it just over 13 years ago. I’m still pursuing that balance. I’ve often joked that the balance is that I’ll be thriving in some parts of life while suffering in others. I wish that was less of a reality than I perceive it to be. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.

After reading that entry, I’ve realized that I didn’t discuss some things that I said I would. But, I digress.

Earlier this year I started reading a book about time management. It’s a really short book. The irony that I haven’t finished this book isn’t lost on me. But, I did get some valuable lessons from it. The one lesson that stood out is the importance of taking time for myself. Not in a selfish way, but to make sure that my needs are met and not to put sacrifice “me time” for work that can be done later. That doesn’t mean that I should procrastinate. It means that I should do those things when I can. I’m trying really hard to abide by that. It’s a difficult task at times.

I have said things that imply that I have doubts about the direction of my life. However, I assure you that it’s just due to my instinct. This instinct is due to the programming of my mind. I do believe that I’m heading in a good direction. I’m heading towards a life where I could get the encouragement that I’ve lacked, the fulfilment that I’ve never had, and the happiness that (dare I say) I deserve.

How do I get there? How does the impending milestone birthday next year fit in to this? Is 50 THE time to finally make these things happen? Is it the mile marker in which I decide if my life is a success or not? Life and time move so fast. They both seem to move so much faster as we get older. Earlier I said that I’m on the descent to 50. What if I’m not? What if the roller coaster that I’m on is actually climbing towards a peak? What if this isn’t a valley? What if I am actually rising?

Does it sound like I’m trying to convince you or myself of the possibilities? Both are probably true. Either way someone could believe it and it could end up being me.

My biggest hope right now is that when I write my entry one year from now, while I’ll be days away from 50 is that I look back at this one and say that I did believe in me. I want to be able to say that there’s obvious positive change and obvious progress. Time may be moving quicker, but there’s time to make it happen. I have work to do. We know the work is SO important.

I’m going to do it.

To Believe in a Change.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Just a few weeks ago, I ran my first 5k race of the year. As I turned the first corner in that race, my eyes started to tear up. Not because of the abundance or pollen in the air, but because I was getting a little bit emotional. It’s pretty common for that to happen shortly after a race begins. But, this time, I wasn’t just thinking about the feeling I get for accomplishing a 5k race. It was more complex than that.

My mind was racing, quicker than my legs. To be honest, that’s not difficult at this point, but I digress. Just a few minutes before the race had started, I was talking to a friend who was also running. I know him because of the races that I run. We’ve run so many of the same races that we started talking at them and became friends. My mind went from “it was nice to see him” to “I’ve made friends during races” to “I make friends everywhere” to “holy cow, I have friends!”

Someone realizing that they have friends shouldn’t be a big deal. But, for me, at that (probably inconvenient) moment, it meant everything.

About 11 years ago, I wrote an entry talking about how lonely I felt. I always felt that. I could have been surrounded by people that I knew and was friendly with, but I still felt isolated and lonely. There’s been a few moments in the time since when people have told me that things that countered my feeling, and I’ve doubted it less and less, but that moment in that race, it really sunk in.

My hobbies include watching Professional Wrestling, going to concerts, watching old TV and movies, and running the occasional 5k race. I’ve made friends and acquaintances through every single one of those things. And yet for years, I still felt lonely. I didn’t feel alone, just lonely. Not anymore. Now, I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for things.

It’s taken me a long time to get here but I’ve arrived. How did I get here? It was a long journey. It took a lot of conversations. Some were with myself, which were probably not as productive as they could have been. The voice in my head likes to fill my mind with all of the doubt that it was programmed to believe. One particular conversation with a friend helped to push me over the proverbial hump when he told me that I manifested all of this by just talking to people. That sounds pretty simple, right? And obviously, it was true. But, for some reason, it never sunk in. I could be surrounded by all of those people that I knew just because I started a conversation with them and still feel isolated. But right now, at this very moment, even though nobody is near me as I’m writing this, I don’t feel isolated, lonely, or separated from people.

I don’t just feel connected to other people. I feel connected to myself. Maybe that was the key to unlock the door? I’m not going to analyze that thought too much right now. But, I am proud of myself for realizing it and for thinking of that wording.

What did I just say there? “I am proud of myself.” I used to never be able to say that and believe it. Now, I do believe it. If being ashamed is the opposite of being proud, I don’t know if I was every truly ashamed of myself, but I just wasn’t proud. I was made to feel ashamed of myself, often for things that others had done. That weighed me down for years. Positive reinforcement can do wonders for someone. It just takes a lot longer to undo the piles of negativity that have been placed on top of you.

As I’m writing this, I’m less than 24 hours away from running in my 50th official 5k race. I can’t help but think “wow” when I think about that. My finish times are slower than they used to be. I’m working on that. But, while running ONE 5k, let alone 50, is something that should be celebrated, this entry isn’t about my physical races. It’s really about the race inside of my head. And from where my mind is right now, it looks like when I turned that corner a few weeks ago, I really did turn a corner.

We Will Overcome This System.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I have no tolerance for bullies. I have no tolerance for people in power enacting policies that belittle people. I have no tolerance for hatred. I have no tolerance for bigotry. I have no tolerance for intolerance.

I’ve been the victim of bullies. I vividly remember the fear that I often had while walking the halls of my high school. I vividly remember the dread that I often felt while walking home from high school. I didn’t fit in. I had long hair. I read comic books. I wasn’t one of the cool kids. And others made it a point to mock me for my interests. Sometimes, they would even physically hurt me. I survived. I’m in a very good place right now. But, I’m very scared about the rise of bullies.

The once and current President of the United States is a bully. He’s a racist. He’s a bigot. He does not care who he hurts as long as he helps himself in the process. He has zero compassion for minorities of any kind. Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, and basically any religion that isn’t a form of Christianity is likely to be targeted by him. And his barrage of public bullying has enabled and emboldened a rise of bullying, hate crimes, and overall discrimination.

Many people use the cliche statement, “I have many (fill in minority category here) friends.” Then they make decisions that hurt those alleged friends. Claiming to have black friends doesn’t give you the right to make decisions that hurt them. Claiming to have LGBTQ friends doesn’t give you the right to deprive them. And yet, that’s what many people do. It happens way too often.

The United States of America has come a long way. If you wanted to argue that the USA has not made a lot of progress with equality, I wouldn’t argue with you. Recent events have set progress back, possibly for decades. Yes, the country is inherently filled with systemic racism. Yes, a lot of policies benefit straight white men over anyone else. But, progress towards equality was being made. As slow as it may have been moving, that progress was happening. As of late, I don’t feel like we’re moving forward at all.

If we must use political labels, I am a Progressive. I want progress. I want every single person, regardless of who they are, to be treated equally. I want them to be able to paid fairly. I want them to have access to affordable health care. I want them to be able to get legally married. I want people to be able to fulfil Thomas Jefferson’s concept of them having unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The ability to pursue life, liberty, and happiness is not easy for some people. For many, it’s an outright painful struggle.

I like reading about history and politics. I know how got to where we are today. I’m not going to get into that particular topic in this entry. Discussing it would turn this into a novel. I like to understand thing. I’m also okay with not understanding some things. There’s a lot of things in the universe that I don’t know the answers to. Not understanding something doesn’t usually fundamentally upset me. However, for the life of me, I cannot understand why people need to be cruel. I cannot understand why people need to belittle differences. I cannot understand why some people think it’s acceptable to take away rights from innocent human beings. And not only don’t I understand any of that, it really does upset me.

I don’t usually end my entries like this, but I want to thank you for reading this one. Please do something to make a positive difference in someone’s life today. The world needs it.

The Monolith of the New Day.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.

I’ve taken my health seriously for a while. That really only meant that I’ve regularly had my annual physical for almost 15 years. I go to my dentist and eye doctor regularly. It wasn’t until 2024 when I really started to dig deeper.

I took a simple step by seeing a foot specialist. This was to address the pain in my left foot, particularly in my big toe. I even brought an extra left shoe. to the appointment to show the doctor how the soles get worn out on my left shoes. He took one look and knew exactly what my problem was. I have flat feet and collapses arches. I was given custom orthotics for my feet and it’s helped A LOT.

Another thing I did was going to a sleep specialist. From the study that they did, it was determined that I have sleep apnea and I had averaged 24.5 episodes per hour. To be clear, that meant in that study, I had stopped breathing 24.5 times on average, per hour, while sleeping. That sounds scary, right? I now use CPAP machine when I sleep and my episodes per hour have dropped to an average of 1.5. In so many of my entries here I’ve talked about my lack of energy. The sleep apnea was a BIG reason for my lack of energy. I was not getting a good night’s sleep, no matter how many hours I was in bed.

Like past years, I competed in a few 5k races. My results weren’t at the levels when I was at my best. But what is my best now? Is just finishing my best? Are my personal records out of reach? I don’t think there’s any shame in not being incapable of running as well as I did. It’s natural that my abilities have changed since I was in my late 30s. I’m now in my late 40s and the “Big Five O” is approaching somewhat quickly. However, I’m determined to compete in more races in 2025 than I did in 2024. I also aim to achieve better results than I did in 2024. How am I going to do this?

I am committing myself to my physical health in 2025. That means that I WILL drop the extra weight that I put on during the year. Unfortunately, that weight is what I had hoped to lose in 2024 and then-some. I’m going to make some healthier choices with food and drink. I’m going to re-commit myself to exercise via apps that I have, YouTube pages, and the gym. I’m going to do the work. The work is SO important.

It isn’t just my physical health that I’m committing to, it’s my mental health. Make no mistake, I’ve taken my mental health very seriously over the past few years. I’m VERY PROUD of the progress and decisions that I made about my mental health in 2024.

I’ve started using apps to check in every day about my mental health. I’ve begun attempting meditation. I say attempting, because I’m not good at it… yet. I’ve starting using card with affirmations to remind me of how good things are. Which leads me to the next thing that I want to discuss.

There’s also things I did not do this year. I felt it would be better for me to NOT participate in them. In the past, I would have said that quitting was just easier for me. Not partaking seemed more convenient. But I don’t see it that way now. I see it was me protecting myself from uncomfortable, awkward, and (most importantly) unhealthy situations.

As someone who has often had problems being optimistic about basically anything, I was always focused on what I don’t have. That mindset has changed a bit for me and now I really do focus on what I have. And I don’t just focus on that specific things, I’ve focused on the gratitude that I have for what I’ve been able to achieve and/or been allowed to achieve.

I was recently at an event. I discussed a specific moment of gratitude with someone very important to me. During that discussion, she pointed out something significant. I was attending that event with two people. These two individuals were close to death at various points over the past few years. She was right. It took my gratitude for all of it to a new level. I appreciate that amount of perspective. I’m glad that I have it. And the amount of gratitude that I have for her (on various levels) is huge.

In addition to things that I’ve already discussed, if there’s any “area of opportunity” in my life that I need to work on, it’s my finances. Like, the other things that I’ve discussed, I think that I have the tools at my disposal to make the necessary changes to get things back under control and to make a difference. Steps have already been taken to make it happen. I just need to do the work. And, as we know, the work is SO important.

Two things that I always mention in my end of year entry are my reading goals and a specific workout goal. I did not come close to my reading goal. I always want to read at least 12 books per year. I read 6. But, I read a few comic books too. Does that count?
The specific workout goal is my ability to do a Black Crow pose in the DDP Yoga workouts. According to what I’ve written, I managed to get one done in 2021. Still, I do know that I did it at least once in 2024, just not well. My new goal there is to be able to get it done and hold it for more than a second or two.

For some reason, I opened my 2014 end of year entry today and read it. I guess it didn’t hurt to see how I was feeling 10 years ago. My immediate thought was “wow, I haven’t changed much.” I did not like that perspective on it. I think I have. I think I’m in a much better place than I’ve been in a very long time, if not ever. I know that things aren’t perfect, but I also know that I have the tools at my disposal to make things better. I may not have all of the skills to get it all done on my own, but I don’t need to. I’m content. I’m not complacent. I’m grateful.

In my entry from this past June, I quoted a bunch of people. One was Philip Jack Brooks. His philosophy on life and when asked how he’s doing, he’ll reply “I woke up today.” He explained how that’s a good thing. He seems to have gratitude as well. I also talked about Warren Zevon and his “Enjoy Every Sandwich” outlook to life. I’ve used that one for a while. But, it seems to me that the various pieces of the happiness/gratitude puzzle are coming together for me better than they have before. Things are making sense.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2025 to be better than my 2024. I’m going to make a significant effort to see that through. It may be a difficult road at times, but I’m going to keep navigating forward. I don’t know where I’ll end up on that road. If I keep going on the path that I’m on, I believe that when I start writing my 2025 year-end entry, I will say, “I woke up today, I enjoyed every sandwich, and I appreciated every moment with every person.” If I can say that, the year will have been pretty good. And, I’ll be very grateful for that.

The Unseen Movie of this Life.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

There’s a lot of things that I don’t believe in and have never believed. But, the one thing that I’ve spent most of my life not believing in was myself. I’ve lacked confidence and I’ve had esteem issues. I’ve been put down. I’ve been doubted. Their doubts became my doubts. Their concerns became my reality.

In a recent entry, I spoke about “Dashboard Management” and the ability to work towards one’s goals. I think that I’m on a good path right now. I’m still not completely sure of the destination, but I think that the direction I’m going in is forward. And any forward momentum is good momentum.

I’ve recently added some mostly daily practices to help me achieve calmness and attempt to take a more mindful approach to things in life. I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt something could stress me out a bit and I’ve stopped to assess the situation and I’ve managed to calm myself down and not get anxious over it. I don’t know if I would have been capable of doing that even as recently as a few months ago.

During the course of this past month, I’ve accomplished something that I’ve flat out told people was not possible for me. I’ve said that there was no way that I could be ranked within the top 100 users of the DDP Yoga Now app. I just thought it was too much for me to handle to get there. At the beginning of the month, I saw that there were over 45,000 people using that app. Not only am I ranked AT 100 (at the time that I’m typing this), but I was 84 at one point during the month. And to be honest, as much work and effort as it took, it didn’t take as much as I thought. But, I did have to do the work. And as we’ve established, the work is SO important.

I don’t know when you’re reading this, but as of this moment, there’s about 13 hours until I run my next 5k race. It will be my 47th overall race. I don’t know well I’ll do in it compared to my others. The last two that I did were my slowest ones. I haven’t completed a 5k in under 30 minutes in almost six years. I do not expect to do so tomorrow. Is this not believing in myself? I don’t think so. I think it’s a matter of being realistic about my expectations. But, I am feeling good about the race, overall. So far.

I’m making changes. I’m doing things differently. I’m trying new things. I’m doing all of these things because not everything that I’ve done before has worked out so well. Not everything has been bad, but there’s been too many things that didn’t succeed as I would have wanted them to. Change is needed. I need to adjust my methods, my thinking, and my beliefs.

I don’t need to believe in myths, legends, stories, iconography, or fairy tales, I need to believe in me. It’s time for ME to believe that I’m capable. It’s taken me a long time to even start to understand any of this.

Why did I bring up the 5k specifically? Not just because it’s tomorrow, but because I’ve often said that no matter how well I do in one of those, even if my finish isn’t nearly as quick as I hoped it would be, ever single time that I cross a finish line, I’ve accomplished something. That means (in the case of 5ks) that I’ve succeeded 46 times. I have zero failures. I just have results that weren’t as fast as others. I put forth the effort and I get a result.

How do 5ks and everything else tie together? Belief. That’s how. I NEED to believe in me. In last month’s entry, I mentioned a quote from Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. Another quote that he likes to refer to is one from Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” For way too long, I’ve lived in a World of Can’t. It’s way past time for me to move into the World of Can, or at least a World of Can’t, yet.

It doesn’t matter where I’ve been and I will not be a slave to my previous mindset once again. Thinking one thing is one thing. Believing in it, is another. I’ve believed in nothing for too long. It’s time to believe in ME. And I think I’m getting there.

The Trick is to Keep Breathing.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

This may seem like an overly simplified statement, but there is nothing that you do that is more important that breathing. Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. often says “If you own your breath, you will be on your way to owning your life.” It’s taken me close to five decades to figure that out, but it’s starting to click.

When people are stressed, they’re often told to breathe. I’ve heard various Yoga instructors talk about “cleansing breaths.” None of that made sense to me until somewhat recently. How can breathing not make sense? Well, because I never thought about it.

As I’ve talked about in recent entries, I’ve been diagnosed with sleep apnea. For those that may not know, the Mayo Clinic defines sleep apnea as “a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts.” So yeah…
Imagine my horror when a sleep study informed me that (on average) I would stop breathing 24 times per hour when sleeping. Thanks to my CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, I’m now averaging only 1.5 episodes per hour. The trick is to keep breathing and the machine makes the trick happen.

I attempt to run 5k races. I word it that way due to how often I stop running and start walking during those races. But, I digress. I often have to remind myself to take deep breaths during the run. My heart rate will spike and through breathing, I can get it come down a bit. I know that there’s other factors at play here, but my breath is the key to all of this.

I would tell you that I’ve started meditating, but that’s almost overstating my participation in the practice at this point. Through one program that I’m in, I downloaded a course on how to meditate. When I finally got around to attempting to learn the practice, I couldn’t figure out my password and I had trouble logging in. I was eventually able to get in and started it, but by the time I started, I was a bit frustrated and I didn’t get the full impact of the lesson. A few weeks later, I tried another program and had other, somewhat similar issues. I laughed it off and attempted to learn again. Being at one with my breath is not something that I’m particularly good at… yet.

There’s various aspects of my life that I need to improve. I have a lot of work to do. And as I said in last month’s entry, the work is SO important. Something else that I mentioned in that same entry was how recent life events have impacted my perspective on things. I believe that my need to improve, to grow, and to heal was greatly amplified by an event that recently happened. I’m not going to mention specifics of that here, since it’s not my story to tell. I’ll just say that it opened up a lot of thoughts.

The overall majority of the thoughts that were opened up were centered around the concept of attempting to fix wrongs in my life. My thoughts spiraled a lot for a while, but it always came back to the concept of “how can I fix this?” I don’t think that I’ve mentioned this in any of my entries over the past two or years, but I have been speaking to a therapist regularly. My discussions are often about current things in my life, and once the dust settles a bit, I want to start attempting to dive deeper in the root causes of things. I know how very uncomfortable that may be for me. But, I think it’s necessary. I may need to practice mindful breathing during those discussions. The trick is to keep breathing. Breathing requires work. The work is SO important.

I’m on journey. And much like the races that I mentioned earlier, there’s going to be times when I’m out of breath. There’s going to be times when my heart rate goes up a lot. This journey may cause me some anxiety. The trick is to keep breathing.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the proverbial mountain top, but my current plan is to keep climbing. I may fall a bit. I know that I’m going to have setbacks. It’s part of life. Not everything goes smoothly. But, I think I’m going in the right direction. And when times get rough, I will defer to the words of one of my favorite poets, Neil Fallon of Virginia,

“So I take a deep breath and count to ten, ain’t gonna let it get under my skin. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Think of all the nice places that I been.”

The Future of a Past Life.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back at the just about completed first 47 years of my life.

At this point last year, I had just received a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I was already starting to envision how much better my future could be because of that. And almost immediately after that happened, I NEEDED to get a new car. The 24 year old Chevy Blazer that I had was on its way out. As a result of how quickly it all transpired, I was unable to put any money aside and start saving for the eventual car purchase that I planned to make. And since I did make that car purchase without a lot of money put down in advance, a good amount of the my extra (compared to last year) money is going towards payments for the car and insurance. I’m not saying that the new car is a bad thing. I know how good it is. I’m better off with it, but because of it, I’m not really getting ahead financially.

Physically, I have some work to do. I started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I saw really good results with it. I don’t know what I’m doing differently now, but the results aren’t there. In fact, I’ve gained a bit of that weight back. I think it’s going to take a more disciplined approach for me to make this happen. And as I said, I have work to do. As the great philosophers Balle and Perlis have often said, “The work is SO important.”

In recent entries, I’ve talked about some of the steps that I’ve taken to improve my overall health beyond just my weight concerns. I’ve seen improvement with some of those aspects. Others are a work in progress and may always be a work in progress.

My mental health, in particular, has been tested recently. Due to some events, I felt some of the darker urges that I’ve dealt with at various points of my life. Often in my life, I’ve felt that I’ve deserved to suffer. That feeling doesn’t come up often and it’s never motivated me to do anything drastic, and I don’t think it ever will. But, the voice in my head will tell me that I do not deserve good things, success, happiness, or even simple joys. I’m glad to say that I’ve avoided any sort of mental punishment, other than the slight shame that I feel for eating an excessive amounts of potato chips over the past week. But, for the most part, I’m doing okay right now.

Getting back to the original concept of this entry, my life and where it is right now, I’ve given a lot of thought to things in life that scare me. My past scares me. My future scares me. My present is where I exist. Existing in the present isn’t a bad thing, or at least I don’t think it is. The past dictates how I do things. The future is where I end up. But what is my future? I’m trying to figure that out. Another philosopher, Aurelian Smith, Jr. famously said “My history is not my destiny.” I need to figure out how to make that true for myself. That will require work. And we know, the work is SO important.

I’ve given a lot of thought to perspective on life recently. Well, I think about that often, but even more so lately. There’s been a few things that have increased my need to have a good perspective on life. Another quote that helps me think about perspective comes from yet another philosopher, Phillip Jack Brooks from Chicago. He said when people ask him how he’s doing, he’ll simply say “I woke up this morning.” To paraphrase more of what he said, we only have chance at (life). Any day that we wake up is good, whatever good stuff that happens throughout the rest of the day is a bonus.

I know that not every day is going to go as well as we want it to. Some days can be incredibly difficult to get through, especially for those of us that are burdened with depression or other forms of mental illness. I have depression, some anxiety, probably some attention deficit disorder, and maybe other things that haven’t been diagnosed, fleshed out, and/or treated. I deal with it to the best of my ability. I’ve felt some added pressure due to some recent events. I’ve reached out to people. They’ve been supportive. In many cases, that’s all that someone needs. But, some may need more.

I don’t want this entry to be dark and I also don’t want it to be filled with one quote after another from people that I admire, but there’s more quotes to come. I know that I’ve used this one in entries before, and sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll do a social media post says nothing more than “enjoy every sandwich.” That quote comes from Warren Zevon. He had terminal cancer and knew that he was going to die from it. There was no way around it. David Letterman had him on as a guest and asked him if he had any new knowledge or wisdom about life as a result of his diagnosis, and one of the things that he said was “enjoy every sandwich.” To me, there’s no better perspective on life than something so simple.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” This quote (which will likely be the last one that I use in this entry) comes from a Gallifreyan Doctor. It’s another way of saying what I think the theme of this entry has become.

So, where am I? I’m someone that is scared by his past and his future. I do my best to enjoy the present. I’m aware of my fears. How do I deal with them? How do I overcome them? I do not have those answers. And believe it or not, that doesn’t scare me.

Thanks to the CPAP that I spoke to about in my most recent previous entry, I have the chance to get better sleep than I used to. That also means that I’ll potentially wake up with more energy than I’ve been used to having. So, not only will I wake up, but I’ll have more energy? Based on what I’ve said in this entry, I’m already ahead of the game. If I include something like a good sandwich (or maybe chicken wings) later in my day, I’m doing so well.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. My perspective on life is pretty good, I think. I still need to work on dedicating myself to find the motivation to do all of the work that I need to do so I can meet the goal of talking about how much better I am in one year. And through perspective thrust upon me by events in life, the rose colored hindsight glasses have shown me that things that may have been bad weren’t really as bad as I thought they were. They may not have been as good as I had liked, but they weren’t as bad. They’ve also shown me there’s a lot of work to do. But one day, I’ll wake up and I’ll see that the so important work has paid off. I may have an excellent sandwich that day. If that happens, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell in one year.

Scientific Progress All too Real. Dialectic Nonsense All Unreal.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

When I was a kid, I was told that Santa Claus was real. I was told that the Tooth Fairy placed money under my pillow after I lost a tooth, which is really creepy when you think about it. The Easter Bunny delivered candy to houses, or so they said. We were told that Pluto was a planet. We were told that the concept of Trickle Down Economics would work. As I got older, I learned that none of those things are true, except maybe the creepy nature of the Tooth Fairy story.

This entry is not being written to destroy the credibility your childhood myths. Growing up should have done that already. As we get older, we should learn and accept as fact that many of things that were taught to us as children are not true, or at the very least that concepts of them have changed.

One of the examples that I brought up earlier, Pluto was classified as a planet from the time that it was discovered in 1930 until it was reclassified in 2006. The reclassification doesn’t mean that Pluto doesn’t exist, it just means that new information made the reclassification necessary. That is what science does. It studies things and the concepts evolve over time.

Slavery was once a legal practice in the United States. Women were not given the right to vote in the United States. What changed? Ideas of right and wrong. Evolution of concepts.

An older gentleman was in my office the other day. He was using profanity and ethnic remarks. He asked me about specific information about something and after I gave him what he was looking for, I also let him know that he could access all of the same information online, without having to “drive 30 minutes” as he let me know that he had done. He said “I’m 80. I don’t have time for computers. I’m from a different time.” What he showed me is that he hasn’t evolved as time has passed him by.

A good friend of mine is an elected official in another state. She happens to be transgender. She was publicly misgendered by someone a few days ago. It’s made headlines. I made the mistake of reading some of the many comments about it on social media. I was enraged.
What does this story have to do with everything else that I’ve been talking about? It’s very simple. I didn’t know about LGBTQ people when I was a kid. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t exist, but I wasn’t told about them. I was told about “traditional” marriages and families. I was told that there were only two genders. What I was told was not true. I accept that. My beliefs changed based on evidence.

But, in regards to the story that I just mentioned, I was very angered by the comments that I read online. I shouldn’t have been, since they were exactly what I expected them to be. The typical closeminded garbage that comes from bigots. Yes, you are a bigot if you shame anyone in the LGBTQ community. Yes, you are a bigot if you make racial or ethnic slurs. Yes, you are a bigot. There is no room for debate. Your ideas need to evolve.

Just because you are taught something doesn’t make it true. Just because you believe something doesn’t make it true. Just because a book written thousands of years ago before anything resembling science and technology evolved mentioned something doesn’t make it true. Ideas, concepts, beliefs are supposed to evolve as facts are revealed.

I try to be as open minded as possible. When there is evidence that something I think is true may not be, I’ll change how I think about it. That’s what is supposed to happen.

If, in the year 2024, you still believe that the social norms of the 1800s are acceptable, you’re wrong. If you believe that racial, ethnic, sexist humor that was often said out loud without consequences is acceptable, you’re wrong. If you think that it’s unacceptable for someone is LGBTQ to not express themselves as they are, you’re wrong.

I understand that many people still believe in things that are wrong, untrue, misconstrued, or are just myths. My ideas are based on experience. My ideas are based on facts. My beliefs are constantly evolving. It’s time for us to stop believing lies. We need to accept facts. We need to stop believing in systems that don’t work. We need to stop believing in concepts that have been proven to be wrong. Evolve. Grow. Get past your pre-conceived ideas of the Universe.

I’m proud of how I’ve evolved over the years. I’m proud of how I see the world and the experiences that I’ve had that have helped me to form my views.