What a difference a month makes.
The last entry I wrote had a darker tone and prompted a few people to ask me questions about my well being. For the record, there was nothing to worry about, but I’m grateful for the concern.
The last thing I said in that entry was “I can’t go back to where I’ve been.” For the most part, that is true. There’s a lot of things in my life that I can’t return to. There’s situations and scenarios that shouldn’t be returned to. There’s things that should be left where they were in the past.
However, there’s also things that can be returned to and it looks like they might be. I’m going to be intentionally vague here. The only thing I will say is that it’s possible that I could be returning to a situation that I really enjoyed being in. We’ll see how it plays out.
At the beginning of the month, I was lamenting my employment and financial status. Those haven’t gotten any better, yet.
There’s something on the horizon that could (and should) make both of those a lot better for me. I just have to stay put for a little while longer and wait for things to fall into place there. Again, I’m intentionally being vague.
I’ve often written about how happiness and good things going on for me confuse me. And based on that, I’ve had a very confusing few weeks. Since my last entry, a lot of good things have happened. I’ve had some very good times. I am A LOT less stressed than I was just one month ago.
Another thing I’ve written about a few times recently is how I’ve had trouble talking about specific details of events or scenarios from my life. I’m having trouble with this entry too. I’m not even talking about the vagueness that I’ve already mentioned. I’m just having a hard time writing about things that aren’t generally miserable. I guess that’s a good thing. As I was starting this paragraph, a quote from one of my favorite actors, Simon Pegg, came to my mind:
“We are never more creative than when we are at odds with the world and there is nothing so artistically destructive as comfort. Princess Leia taught me that.”
I like that quote because I understand it and because of the Carrie Fisher reference. I’ve documented how much of a hero she was (and still is) to me. But, as for that quote, it’s very true. I’m never too complimentary of most of my writing, but I’ve always felt my best work happens when I’m most miserable. And today, when I’m a relatively calm and good mood, I’m having a very difficult time writing about myself. Is that good?
Another reason I have a difficult time writing about good things is that I’m sure everything is going to collapse around me. I’m sure all the good stuff will go away. Do I think that because it’s happened too many times? Do I think that because it’s just the way I’m programmed to think? To be honest, it’s very confusing to me. But, right now, I don’t want to think about it. I want to ride this out. I’m enjoying the wave of good times, good news, and a possible good future.
I know this entry is short, but it’s like I’ve said, I don’t have much to complain about right now. I’m in good place, well…
maybe I should say, I’m still where I was, but things are looking better.
Just a few months ago I wrote a blog entry talking about how bad of a time I was having and how I had a string of a few good things. My mood had changed a bit. The last thing I wrote in that entry was “Depression isn’t just a phase for me. It’s much bigger than that. Smiling may be a phase, but it’s a phase that I’m hoping to extend.”
The past month has really been a good for me. I hope that one day soon I’ll be able to go in detail about the things that have happened, the things that have been talked about as happening in the future, and how the way things happening now are making me smile a lot more than I had been in a very long time. So, let me paraphrase myself to close this entry. “Smiling may be a phase, but you’re damn right I’m going to extend that phase for as long as I can.”