The feeling of malaise that I described in my last entry is still prominent, but it seems to come and go. There was another potentially big setback in recent weeks, but it didn’t drag me down as much as it could have. Of course, I did joke with people that I had hoped for a major depressive episode because it would help my efforts to lose weight. (Un)fortunately, I didn’t have that major episode.
I want to point out something from the previous paragraph. I said that I joked with people about my issues. The joking part isn’t my focus, it’s just the people part. I recently had a conversation with someone that suffers from major depression. He does not treat it. He actually barely acknowledges that it exists. He is barely active. He does nothing that can stimulate his mood or emotions. He’s stuck where he is. He will not admit to fault in any situation and believes that everything will just fix itself. Yet, it never has.
During that conversation, I mentioned about all that I do with my friends. All of the concerts, sporting events, and other things that I do. But while I was talking about it, it really started to hit me that what I was doing was significantly more than just going out with friends. It really was helping my mental health.
Last month I mentioned that when my downward spiral began, I was at a bar with friends. I also mentioned that if I hadn’t already committed to being there, I probably wouldn’t have gone. If I had stayed at my house that night, I would have probably watched TV and gone to sleep. I would have probably had very little communication with anyone. I would have just sat there with the TV and with my thoughts. And while I would have wanted to do nothing but sleep, my thoughts would probably have kept me up all night.
Recently, I’ve been posting some things on social media sites that may have had a slightly darker tone than I usually post. And, they were being posted a bit more frequently than I would usually post things like that. A few people reached out to me to make sure that I was okay. Something as simple as that should NOT be taken for granted. I try my best not do take it for granted. It’s amazing how much a simple text message can make a difference.
I went to a baseball game with a friend last year. He bought the tickets and met me at the stadium. He never asked me to pay him before the game. When the game was over, I asked him what I owed him. He said “nothing. I just enjoy the company.” That should NOT be taken for granted.
I don’t post things on social media to draw attention to me. I’ve never liked being the center of attention. Although, maybe that’s because I’ve felt so ignored and insignificant for so much of my life. Before I go way too deep into this potential exit ramp, let me say that I’ll probably revisit this topic later…
ANYWAY, as I was saying, I don’t post things about mental health on social media to draw attention to myself. I do it to draw attention to mental health issues. Sure, the topics I’m posting about are things that I’m probably dealing with, but it’s not about me…
Or is it?
Now, I’m questioning that a bit.
When people greet me and ask me how I’m doing, I usually answer with “good,” “fine,” or “okay.” Most of the time, most people will answer that question that way. It’s more of a Pavlovian response than an honest one. While we’re all conditioned to answer that question that way, many people are conditioned to not know how to reply if we really told them how we’re doing. If I replied with “I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip,” I don’t think people would react quite the same. Even if that was the honest answer.
Or, it’s also possible they would completely understand that reference and really worry about things.
I’ve noticed that this entry is becoming one of my rambling ones that isn’t necessarily tying one single topic together. But whatever, that’s where I am right now. I’m doing well, but I’m not. I’m doing better than ever, but I’m not. I’m where I’ve always been, but I’m not where I was.
I don’t even know what the point of this entry was supposed to be anymore. I’ve done in so many different directions, but that’s how my mind works sometimes. I think the point was that by going out and doing things with friends, I’m actually improving my mental health. I think part of the point was also that I have friends that care and do good things for me. I know this particular topic will come up again.
My friendships and improving my mental health by doing things are topics that I want to go into more detail about at some point, and maybe that will be soon. I have ideas for future entries that I hope to write. And maybe some of the things that I’ve written here can be incorporated into those. But, I have no idea what my mood will be when I start writing my next entry. I hope it’s good and I can just go with one of those ideas, but we’ll see how things play out.