I Can’t Say That I am Free As Long As They Return.

Enjoyment. Happiness. Satisfaction. Contentment.
Based on what I’ve said in many of my recent entries, I should be experiencing many of those feelings. I’ve talked about how well things are going for me. I’ve mentioned that I’m in a good place. I have significantly less concerns about my life than I’m used to having. Yet, I’m not feeling those things. Instead, I’m dealing with doubt, fear, anxiety, and maybe complacency.

In another entry from a while ago, I talked about living in a “world of ‘can’t.'” That means that I’ve always been told about what I can’t do. I’ve always had a voice in my head telling me what I can’t do. Very often, the voices telling me that were my parents, teachers, and other authority figures in my life. And I’m not talking about them advising not to play in traffic or something like that. I’m talking about convincing me that things that I wanted to do were not worth the time or that I couldn’t accomplish them. But, now, at 44 years old, the voice in my head telling me that I can’t do things is my own.

How do I convince that voice that it’s wrong? How do I change how my mind is programmed and move from “can’t” to “can” and then to “done?” There’s been so many times in my life when I’ve felt that it’s just easier to NOT do something than to try it and not succeed. Sometimes I’ll plan something and the anxiety of whatever it is gets me very worked up. Then I’ll cancel that plan and I won’t feel dread or sorrow that it’s not happening, I’ll feel relieved that my anxiety is gone.

In January of this year, I had my annual physical. It was suggested by my doctor that I lose weight. Even before that appointment, I had hoped to lose 30 pounds. I had planned to use the various 5k races that I usually run throughout the year as my motivation. I was going to train as much as possible. I was going to eat better. I was going to do as much as I possibly could to get as close to the shape that I was in 5 years ago when I was setting records for myself in almost every race that I ran. My personal record is from that year and I’ve only come close to it one time since.

In addition to the races that I usually sign up for, I had planned to do one or two more than usual. Then COVID-19 happened. All of the races were canceled. Gyms closed. My motivation went with it. My weight went up. I don’t question why I gained more weight. I may joke about it, but I know exactly why. My efforts to lose the weight haven’t worked. Although, to be completely honest, my efforts have been pretty minimal. I know that I have the tools to do it. I know what I have to do. I just haven’t been able to do it. I’ve attempted to do longer in-house workout routines, but I’m more likely to stop doing them halfway through than I am to complete them. I’ll plan a 2 mile run around my town, but after struggling to get the first half mile done, I’ll gladly quit when I get to one mile. Why am I doing that? Am I more satisfied by not struggling to complete a goal than I am to go through with the struggle? It’s the voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do it.

To be fair, over the past few weeks, I have made significant changes to my food consumption. I am making an effort there. And, I’m doing well with it. I’ve lost (at least) 5 pounds. And while I’ve done well here, I KNOW how easy it is for me to have one doubt planted in my mind (by my own history) and immediately start buying potato chips and other unhealthy snacks again.

I’ve told people that I lack the energy and stamina to do a full workout. I’ve also said that if I did more full workouts, I would probably have more energy and stamina. I don’t sleep well. A lack of sleep can lead to weight gain (at least according to some article that I recently saw). If I slept better, would I have the energy to get more done? If I got more done, would I have more energy? Is it bad that I had planned to do some exercise 30 minutes ago, but starting typing this instead?

There’s other things in my life that I need to work on besides just my weight. But, just like everything that I’ve said in this entry, there’s so much doubt in my mind about my ability to get them done. Even if I start them, I don’t know if I can finish them. My life has so many unfinished projects. Well, now I know a topic for another entry, but I digress.

2020 has halted much of the world. I’ve settled into a lot of routines that are enjoyable, but are they all good for me? The majority of them have me sitting around. Most of them include watching TV or listening to an album. There’s nothing wrong with doing those things, but I think that I need to maybe make them more or a reward for myself than the actual goal.

If I know that I have do these other things, why don’t I just do them? That’s a great question that I think some of you are probably asking. I ask myself that too. Just getting up and doing something isn’t as easy as it sounds like it is or should be. I don’t think I’m in the midst of a depressive episode that is keeping me from doing things. I don’t know why the voice in my head keeps telling me that I can’t. I need to free myself from the voice that tells me no, or at least shut it up for a while. Until I do that, I don’t know how much I can change.

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