Inside My Head, Electric Insomnia.

I live inside my head. There’s a decent amount of real estate there. There’s also a lot of roads inside there. Some of those roads go to very dark places. Some of those roads go to places that I’ve been to before. Some of those roads go to places that I’ve never been to. Some of those roads take me to places that I’ll never go to. But, all of those roads take me to where I am now. But, where am I?

2020 has been a weird year. As the world has mostly been shut down due to a pandemic, the overwhelming majority of things that I’ve done for my sanity aren’t available to me anymore. I can’t attend concerts or sporting events. Going to a bar with friends isn’t a viable options. So many of my routines, habits, and hobbies have been placed on hold. You would think that I would be absolutely miserable because of that. But, I’m not.

I would tell you that I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally, but to be honest, I don’t know if I ever truly am. I’ve often spoken about how I always question why things aren’t going wrong when I’m enjoying myself for an extended period of time. And I almost took that road yesterday, but, the road took a slight detour.

Instead of going to one of those dark places in my head, my mind took me on the road to the summer of 1990. When the majority of my classmates were outside during the day and playing with their friends, I was most likely asleep during the day. I didn’t see anyone. I slept all day and stayed in my room and watched TV and listened to the radio all night. No, this isn’t a dark place for me, it was a comfortable place. And, I think that’s where I am now.

In 1990, I really didn’t have many friends. I was getting ready to start high school. The concept of “fresh start” didn’t seem that appealing to me. I saw high school as the chance to have double the amount of classmates that didn’t like me. Yes, that part IS as bad as it sounds.

The TV shows that I was watching during that summer were Doctor Who episodes on PBS, Professional Wrestling, stand up comedy specials, and late night talk shows such as the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Late Night with David Letterman, Later with Bob Costas, and the Joe Franklin Show. Later was one of the first true sit down, one on one, interview shows that I enjoyed watching. The Joe Franklin show was on a local channel and at one point in his career, he would interview A-List celebrities. I don’t think he was getting those when I was watching. I also spent a lot of time watching reruns of sitcoms and listening to sports talk radio.

It’s now 2020. When I’m not at work, I’m at my house, in my room. I watch Doctor Who box sets, Professional Wrestling, stand up comedy specials, game shows from the 1970s and 1980s, and reruns of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I listen to podcasts that discuss things such as Later with Bob Costas and the Joe Franklin Show. To be clear, they aren’t just discussing things that are similar, they’re actually discussing those shows.

I do some other things besides that, but for the most part, I barely leave that one room, just like 30 years ago, and basically every day in between.

In 2020, I truly have more friends that I could ever imagine having. But, I don’t see them in person. It’s not necessarily safe to do that right now. I’m not upset about it. And I due to my mind going on a long road trip of pondering yesterday, I think I know why I’m okay with being where I am now.

The 1990 scenario that I described probably did a lot to enhance my social anxieties. I say enhance them and not cause them because I was always a bit shy. Being social is very difficult for me sometimes. I’ve described that in detail in some other entries. But, here we are in 2020 and being social isn’t an option. It’s actually kind of a freeing feeling. I’m capable of being me and doing what I want to do without worrying about anything else. It’s easy for me, and I feel safe here.

Of course, immediately after finishing that last paragraph, my mind went down another long road of thought. Is “easy” good for me? Am I comfortable being where I am? Is comfortable good? Should I question this a lot less? Should I just be glad that I’m doing well? What if I’m not really doing well? What if I’m doing well where I am now and don’t want to leave?

So yeah…
That’s how my mind works.
It sounds like a fun place to be, right?

Fun or not, good or bad, happy or sad, it’s where I am right now. It’s where my mind has taken me. It’s where 2020 has taken my mind. I want to make it as clear as I possibly can. Regardless of all of the places that my mind can go, I have not had one single major depressive episode during the year. I haven’t even come close. Maybe, sitting around and watching retro TV and movies is healthy for me. I mean, I know that I enjoy it…
well, at least I think that I do.

See, it happened again. Instant doubt.

The truth is, that regardless of all of the things that I’ve said in this post, I’m not in a dark place. Yes, sometimes my mind heads in that direction, but the comforting thoughts of binge watching an old TV series is a detour that my mind enjoys going on. And if there’s enjoyment, with no pressure and no anxiety, I should probably do my best not to take that road or let it take up too much space in my head.


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