Leaving All This to Be Undone.

People not having faith in me, and a result me not having faith in myself has been a recurring theme in my life. When you’re constantly told that you can’t achieve something, it’s very difficult to achieve anything except the low expectations set for you. And when you’ve been convinced by friends, co-workers, teachers, parents, and others that you’re not going to succeed, it’s very difficult to prove them wrong.

I’ve had that scenario for so much of my life. But, lately something has changed. I don’t know where it started, but people have been encouraging me. They’ve told me that I’m worth something. They’ve told me that I deserve good things. They’ve told me that I CAN achieve more. And more importantly than people telling me that is that I’m starting to believe it.

Even though I’ve been writing about the changes in my life lately and how good things are going, it’s still so new me that I don’t know how to process it. It’s weird. I know things are different. They feel different. I feel different. Things are good. I don’t know if it’s the standard doubts that I always have, but there’s something there that’s saying “this isn’t right.”

The voice in my head saying “this isn’t right” is probably just confused since my normal has always been set to “meh.” And that “meh” is a large grouping of things: Expectations, mood, results, etc.

The best way for me to try to understand all of this right now is to go back to thinking about how surreal some aspects of my life have been over the past. Someone once told me that some of the things that I’ve said are surreal will stop being surreal and will just be very normal. I don’t know if I want that to happen. I like them being surreal to me because I think it helps magnify my appreciation for them. And right now, I’m using that same way of thinking/feeling to process the change

Over the next few months, a few more really good things may be happening for me. I say “may be” because final say in how good things get for me is out of my control. I can do what I need to for it, and I’m in the process of doing that. But, it’s not up to me what happens after that. And before you ask if I could be more vague, yes, I could be.

What I’m about to say is not my usual bit of doubt/self destruction, it’s me (thinking that I’m) being accurate about things. I need to find more motivation for other things. As much as I’m enjoying all of my progress, there’s more that I need to do. And that means that I need to curtail my willingness to quit and give in. It also means that I may need to force myself to get out of bed earlier. And I do mean “force myself.” It seems that no matter how much sleep I get, I cannot wake up and start my day without effort.

As I’m also searching for balance in my life, I sometimes wonder if my inability to achieve the things that I used to be able to achieve is now the balance for being to achieve other things. I’m also doing my best not to think about that too much, because if I do, I may immediately start that downhill path that my mind can so easily go on. The balancing act of my brain is pretty much a tight rope over a canyon.

And while I am getting the praise from some places, I’m not getting it from others. I don’t seek praise. I want it to be voluntary. I don’t like bragging about my accomplishments. But, then again, it’s probably because I’ve been conditioned not to believe that anyone would care. As you can see, there’s a lot going on inside and the scales of balance easily tilt towards the doubt and negative thoughts.

I’ve stopped myself a few times in this entry to regroup my thoughts to stay as upbeat as possible. I’ve also stopped myself because my attention span sucks and there were shiny things to look at elsewhere. But, anyway…
I do want to keep this from going to the darker thoughts, so I’ll end the entry now and say that I am genuinely optimistic about what should be happening soon. I’m finally on my way to better things.*

* = I really wanted to add some sarcastic thing there to imply doubt. But would it really be sarcastic? See! This is what I’ve been talking about…


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