There’s various ways to look at this, but I feel like my life’s always in a re-build mode. You could say that it’s good that I’m re-building something or you could say that it’s bad that I’m not on steady ground. I really don’t know which way that I should look at it. I doubt that I’ll have the answer by the time that I’m done writing this entry, but maybe by putting my thoughts out there in the world, I’ll have some clarity.

I know, without any question, that I’m so much better off than I’ve ever been. That IS a good thing. But, with every single step of progress that I make in life, there seems to be at least two backwards steps. I had a significant change with my job over the summer. With that change came a pretty decent increase in my salary. And less than one month after that increase came the NEED to get a new car. I had planned to put money aside for things and eventually look at cars. But, I literally had no time to do any of it. While the new car is good and I really like it, it’s a financial burden that I wasn’t quite ready for. So, no progress made.

I could go on and on about fiances. I’ve never been ahead. I’m usually just afloat. Any time that I have anything that I can call “extra money,” something happens and it’s gone. As I’ve said in many of my entries, this is not a “woe is me” story, nor am I trying to portray myself as a victim of anything. My situation is very common amongst my generation. I’m aware of that. I know how well I have it compared to others, and how much worse it could be. But, the lack of progress there really does weigh on me.

Another area in which I made some progress over the past year was my weight. In mid October of last year, I started a weight loss program that I really enjoyed. There were some great lessons in it. And I saw immediate results. I came very close to hitting my weight loss goal, but then I didn’t. I’ll get back to this in just a minute.

There’s a fitness program that I use. Progress is measured there in 13 week and monthly increments. I enjoy using this app. I enjoy each month when the rankings reset. I enjoy when I start a new 13 week cycle. However, very often in the middle of one or the other, I lose focus and give up. I’ll tell myself, it’s okay, I can start again when the next month starts. Yeah, I know, the old “the diet starts on Monday” line. I use it very often.

My mind’s self-destruct mechanisms are sometimes triggered by the scenarios that I just mentioned. It’s not just that I realize that goals won’t be met, it’s that I’ll do things that are completely contrary to the overall goal. For example, I know that I should eat healthier snacks/meals. But, it’s the last week of the month and I know that I won’t hit my goal. That’s when I won’t resist the donuts or the potato chips. I’ll binge on foods that I know I shouldn’t. And the enjoying of eating them doesn’t last as long as the shame does.

Spend less and eat better. It’s simple, right? No. It’s not. And I can’t explain it.

In what seems to be in another lifetime, I worked for a large retail chain. I remember them telling us about “dashboard management” to meet our monthly goals. The dashboard analogy meant that in order to get where you want to get, you have to know where you are. They didn’t say anything about a “self destruct” button if goals aren’t met.

The person that runs the fitness app that I use often adds the word “yet” any time anyone says that they can’t do something. “You can’t do that… yet.” If I applied the “yet” instead of the “self destruct,” I could conceivably have better results.

So, what’s holding me back? Is it time? Is it money? Is it fear? Am I capable of meeting goals? Am I afraid to meet them? As I’ve said, no matter how much progress that it appears that I make, I seem to never get closer to the goal. Is the goal moving? What can I do to fix it? Can I fix it?

I’m sure some of you reading this think that the answers to these problems are very simple. They probably are. Can I achieve more if I do less? I don’t know. There’s more questions than answers. Eventually, I would like to know the solution. The only thing that I know for sure is that a new month starts tomorrow and I have to keep moving forward, even if I’m not getting very far.