What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of what’s to come? Am I afraid of what’s happening now? Am I afraid of what’s already happened? In order to attempt to figure out what I’m afraid of, do I need to know why I’m afraid of things? And how is it possible to be afraid of things from my past? Why am I afraid to type this entry? Why am I even more afraid to publish it? I would tell you that these questions keep me up at night, but I’ve been so tired lately that falling asleep usually isn’t an issue.

The future didn’t used to scare me as much as it does now. I’m getting old(er). I’m getting by in life. I’m surviving. I’m not thriving. I’m very much aware that I’m doing better than I’ve ever done before, but I haven’t been able to maximize anything to its fullest potential. Or is this the fullest potential? Questions like that may keep me up if I think about them.

The word “trigger” is used a lot to describe how someone responds to a situation. I’m often triggered by things that people say to me. Words that remind me of something that someone else said that wasn’t positive. I probably won’t tell the person that they’ve said something triggering. It could be because that I didn’t realize it as it was happening or maybe just because I don’t want them to feel bad about something they weren’t aware of.

Why can’t I tell someone if they’re upsetting me? What scares me there? Is it a fear? Is it just due to being told so frequently as a child that my feelings should be kept to myself? Is it due to me being told that my feelings were wrong when I actually did express myself?

Let me say something about that last sentence. I don’t know if feelings can be wrong. I’m all for “feeling what you need to feel when you need to feel it.” If you’re sad about something, be sad. Go through what you need to go through. It’s the only way to get better. And yet, I was told that I can’t do that.

In previous entries, I’ve talked about bullying and how much it impacted me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in a previous entry, but I clearly remember being shoved into a doorway in 8th grade and my immediate reaction was to apologize to the kid that shoved me. I was so afraid of going to school at that time. Should something like that still be traumatic for me over 30 years later? I don’t know, but that specific memory is a strong one.

How does something that happened to me in 1989 or 1990 impact how or why I’m scared of things now? It’s all part of the wiring in my head, my social skills, my ability to connect.

Being programmed to believe that I’m wrong about most things in life has made it very difficult for me to move forward in a lot of aspects. I’m sure that whatever issues exist, they’re my own fault. I’m not able to do anything. Why? Not because I’m necessarily actually wrong, but because I’ve been taught to believe that I am.

I really do believe that my awareness of these things is good. I would like to believe that I’m making SOME progress. I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to reprogram my circuits. Am I doing enough? What more do I need to do? Am I going in the right direction? Am I too scared to do more? Am I too scared to really dig into this?

This entry is a trigger for me. I feel like I’ve gone a little deeper than I had expected to when I first started thinking about it a week or so ago. I’m nervous now. Am I wrong to feel this way? I’ve been told that I am.

A LOT of my recent entries have talked about how well I’ve been doing. And, regardless of everything that you’ve read here, I still think that I am doing well. Even if I’m scared of so much in life, the past, the present, the future, I still think I’m going forward. Even if it’s all so terrifying at times.