This entry will not be one with many edits. I’m going to write it and post it. It is not going to linger in my draft bin and wait for me to finalize it. I’m writing this on April 30, 2024. It may have somewhat of a dark tone to it, but I want to attempt to end it on a positive note. I also know very clearly that if I had written it yesterday, it would be a lot darker.

April 29th is not my favorite day of the calendar year. In fact, it’s my least favorite. While I do enjoy being able to make references to a song that I really (Downset’s “Anger”) all throughout the day, there’s something else weighs on me quite a bit for the past few years. I’m not going to go deep into that particular topic in this entry, but I will say that it’s been covered in previous entries.

My most recent post was centered around my lack of energy and my desire to fix things. I said that I would put forth some effort in making some changes in my life and hopefully getting some positive results. I would like to say that I did some of that. I don’t feel like April was a waste. I got some stuff done.

I’ve talked about my desire to be healthier. I really do want to feel better. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Any way that I can feel better. I’m also very much aware that I cannot do it on my own and that I need guidance and more awareness than I’ve had.

Everything that I’ve said in this entry ties together here:
One of the main reasons that April 29th is such a bad day is because some things cannot be fixed if you don’t know what’s wrong. I am attempting to find out what is wrong. And yesterday, on a day when I’m constantly reminded of past issues, I was told of something that I need to address. Don’t be alarmed by reading that. It’s nothing that requires any procedures or anything like that, it’s basically just something that I’m going to need some assistance with and once I get that assistance, my quality of life could improve a bit. I am being intentionally vague.

Many years ago when I worked in the wonderful world of retail, I was told about “Dashboard Management.” As a supervisor, I cannot get my department going in the right direction if I don’t pay attention to the data on the dashboard and guide the department towards our goals. While I’ve been out of retail for a few years (and grateful for it), I’ve never forgotten that lesson and now I see how I can apply it to myself. I cannot guide myself towards a healthier goal without knowing what I specifically need to address.

Over the past few months, I’ve visited with various types of doctors, some for the very first time. And again, I’ll state that this isn’t anything to alarm anyone. I’m in the last stages of my mid-40s and since I’m lucky enough to have good health insurance, I’m not worried about the expense of medical bills, so I’m going to see whatever medical professional that I think I should see to get some answers. In some of these cases, I’m going to see some doctors because I’ve never seen someone in their particular field before.

How can I get to where I should be if I don’t know where I am?

Another thought that popped into my head while pondering this entry is how much better off I could be in life if the authority figures of my childhood (parents, teachers, counselors) had bothered to address or diagnose some of my issues instead of just labeling me. Was I lazy as a child? Maybe. But, why was I lazy? Was it due to depression and/or some form of attention deficit disorder? Probably. But, did I know that then? No, and even though there were clear signs of depression that I can see via hindsight, nobody did anything to address it. I went to guidance counsellors and teachers for help at times. Instead of getting that help, I was made to feel worse about feeling bad.

Situations like that made me not want to seek help.

I couldn’t go to my parents for help. They were too busy ignoring their own problems to address mine.

What I just said about my parents, while tongue in cheek, is very serious and a major part of what brings me here today with this entry. They ignored their problems. It didn’t matter how much an issue was poking them, they did not/do not address them. No matter how many times something is pointed out, it is ignored.

How can they fix things if they’re unaware? How can they fix things that they choose to ignore? How can they fix things if they simply don’t want to?

I want to fix things. I want to be aware. The expression “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” is complete crap. It can kill you. I’ve become all too aware of that. It can be argued that I haven’t learned much from my past, but I’ve learned some things. And some of those things have been (vaguely) discussed here. I want to be healthy. I need to be. It’s a journey and my dashboard is lighting up.