Category Archives: Anxiety

Can’t you see? All circuits are busy. Please try back again.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I had a blog entry ready to go. I just had to put the finishing touches on it. That usually means I would scrap it and start over, but keep with the theme. But instead, I’m saving it for later and writing this one. This will be a jumbled mess of random thoughts. I know that already. It’s just the mood I’m in.

Originally, I was going to write an entire entry about the three 5k races I ran this year and while I completed all of them, I was disappointed in the race results. The last one I did this year was the fastest of the three, but the 2nd one was my 2nd slowest ever. Somehow I thought I could stretch that story out into an entire blog. It was too whiny and that’s not the tone I wanted.

Then I thought about writing about the slew of sexual harassment allegations coming from Hollywood and TV. I was going to say how incredibly normal this type of thing seems to be in their bubble. How things that are being alleged now had apparently been talked about behind closed doors within their community for years and nobody did anything about it.

Maybe I would write a full entry about gun violence and how every single time a mass shooting happens we (as a society) say “now isn’t the time to discuss the issue of gun control” and it then fades from our memory until it happens again and we say “now isn’t the time to discuss the issue of gun control.”

I could talk about how the President of the United States says outrageous, slanderous, childish, and often untrue statements on Twitter on a daily basis. I was going to say how I’m not surprised, shocked, or even phased by that any more. I could have stated how I’m really bothered that this has become our normal.

I considered writing a blog about how bad my blogs had become, in my view. I felt even stronger about that one after reading one I published on year ago today, which you can read by clicking HERE if you want to. That one was actually one of my better ones.

As I’m living paycheck to paycheck, I thought about another financial rant. But what’s the point of that? Writing about that again isn’t going to help my financial situation. Well, maybe it could if someone with influence reads it and publishes my work and I get to be a famous author. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I almost wrote a blog about complacency and depression and I thought I was straddling the line between the two. At one point in that entry I was going to say that I was depressed about how complacent I am about certain aspects of my life, but also how the complacency almost keeps me away from a full depression, so maybe it’s good.

There was also a chance of me talking about relationships. I haven’t been in one for a few months. When the last one ended I didn’t get nearly as depressed as I thought I would. I was bothered by that. I was also bothered by being bothered by it. It didn’t make sense to me. None of that does. But, it made perfect sense to me at the same time. How messed up is my head that a lack of depression upsets me? Seriously. Think about that. Was it because my expectations weren’t met?

As far as relationships go, I could talk about how I’m cautiously optimistic about things right now. Maybe something is going well, maybe I’m delusional, maybe nothing is there.  Maybe I’m working myself up worrying about it as I’m writing this paragraph.

I could write about the news in Manhattan today. There was a mass murder. I don’t know more details, because they aren’t available yet. However, I’ve already seen a drastic difference in how it’s being covered depending on the ideology of who is talking about it.

Or maybe, just maybe I could tie all of these unrelated topics into a tight little knot. I could say if we took better care of each other, if we provided for each other, if we made sure that people on the lower end of the economic system were helped up, maybe just maybe a lot of the issues I could have talked about today wouldn’t exist.

I could write about that, but who would read it? My audience is small. Who among the few readers I have would, or could, do something that can truly help the world? Could I be the one by writing this? Could you be the one that reads this and gets inspired? Of course, that all depends on if you can navigate your way through this maze of randomness.

It’s possible I could just write about how I doubt myself so much that I don’t know how to end this entry. It really bothers me that I don’t know how to end on a high note. I’m almost comforted by knowing that I don’t expect this entry to be read by that many people. What does that say?

 

Proud to Serve the Country that Served him Weak.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Just a little bit more than one year ago, I was having a conversation with a celebrity. He had just finished talking to a group about some of his issues with depression. I thanked him for speaking out and told him that his voice holds a lot of weight because of his fame. I also told him about my blog and how I don’t believe my voice is as impactful as his. He made it a point to let me know how I was underestimating myself and even if I’m not reaching as many people as he may be, I may still be reaching somebody. I thanked him again for speaking out and for saying that to me. It stuck with me.

While, the celebrity was right, I may reach someone, the power of a celebrity voice IS powerful. As of the time I’m writing this, I have 225 followers on Twitter. I have barely more followers/friends on another site. The amount of people that could see my writing is not that large, and the amount that actually do read it is pretty small. But, that doesn’t stop me from sitting down (at least) once per month and writing something. I have something to say and if ONE person gets something from it, I’ve done well.

Celebrities often get criticized for expressing their opinions on social issues. I don’t understand why. As I said, their voice has more relative weight than mine based on the size of the audience they can reach. And that is exactly why I’m proud of the players in the NFL and MLB that took a knee during the National Anthem recently. This goes back to last year and Colin Kaepernick not standing during the anthem. I wrote something about it then, and I’m writing about it again because the issue is quite newsworthy and it needs to be discussed.

Kaepernick started kneeling during the national anthem to draw attention to social injustice. At no point was his protest designed to do anything but that. That’s what the issue was about and that’s what it is still about. It was never a protest of America or a protest of the anthem. It’s a Constitutionally allowed gesture that he did to get attention on himself so he could get attention an issue he felt strongly about.

A flag is just a flag. An anthem is just a song. Saluting them is not a mandatory thing in a country that prides itself on freedom. It’s not a mandatory thing in a country that allows freedom of expression and assembly. It’s not a mandatory thing in a country that was founded on and prides itself on peaceful protest. It will never be a mandatory thing as long as the founding documents are upheld.

The NFL stars that did not stand are not protesting the United States. They are not anti-America. They are not anti-police. They are not anti-soldier. They are anti-injustice. I’ve seen pictures go around recently of Rosa Parks with the caption “Thinking NFL players are ‘protesting the flag’ is like thinking Rosa Parks was protesting public transportation.” I’m not going to explain to you who Rosa Parks was. Quite frankly, you’re a lost cause if you don’t know already. But, I brought up the thing about her because of how relevant it is. Don’t let the story be something it isn’t. This is about social and racial injustice. It always has been and it shows how while we’ve made some progress, we still have miles to go.

Some critics of the NFL protests are saying that the players should be proud of the flag and what it stands for. I agree, they should be. But the flag is just a symbol of the country. It’s a symbol of a country that brags about being #1. It’s a symbol of a country that says it’s the “land of the free and home of the brave.” It’s also the symbol of a country is which minorities are treated like they don’t matter. The middle class is treated like they don’t matter. The poor are treated like a burden. The flag represents those people being held down. It doesn’t currently represent them being lifted up.

Donald Trump ran his campaign last year talking about the “forgotten men and women” in the United States. What about the people that aren’t forgotten, but barely acknowledged? What about the ones that are ignored? What about the ones that don’t have a fighting chance? What about the ones in which the American Dream is just that, only a dream? That is what the protests are about.

People need to be more offended by policies that allow the Middle Class and minorities to be driven into poverty. People need to be more offended by government officials that won’t properly condemn true racism. People need to be more offended by racial and ethnic profiling that exists in the country. People need to be more offended by people being oppressed and suppressed by a system that isn’t designed for them to succeed.

I’m a 41 year old white male. Some of you think I’ve had all the chances in the world to make something for myself. But have I? I’m a 41 year old white male that lives paycheck to paycheck. Any time I come close to getting ahead financially, I face a setback. I admit that I made a lot of mistakes along the way, and yes I am aware that I do have certain advantages because I’m white. That isn’t a good thing, by the way. It’s part of the problem. Why should the color of my skin matter? But, this entry is not about me. I’m not trying to make it about me. I’m going to keep struggling, but I’m going to keep fighting. If you’ve read my other entries, you know I’m a survivor. But, I digress…

The main point of this entry is this: The celebrities and athletes speaking out are the voices of the voiceless.

I know some people stopped reading this entry the second they saw Colin Kaepernick’s name. They have their pre-conceived notions about him, his protest, and his reasons. They won’t pay attention to any facts about the protests. They just believe what they’re told to believe about who and what the protest is offending.

But, a song is just a song and a flag is just a flag. They both stand for something, but until every single one of the citizen of this country are given truly equal rights, equal freedoms, and equal opportunities, the flag and song don’t stand for much. And if I were a celebrity with a bigger audience then the small amount I reach, I wouldn’t stand for the anthem either. I don’t stand for injustice. I don’t stand for inequality.
You shouldn’t stand for it either.

I Will Feel Great Without My Weight Pulling Me Down.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

This entry is an amalgamation of two of three that I’ve been thinking about writing and even one or two that I didn’t want to write. There’s just A LOT going on in my head right now and after writing an initial draft of a blog, I realized how connected all of the topics I’ve been thinking of are. I was going to write just about how tired I am and I have no time for anything. Then I was thinking about how my finances aren’t good. Then I was thinking about how I’m just stressed out about other factors in my life. Then I realized, it’s all connected.

I’m 41 years old. I’ve never moved out on my own. I can’t afford to do it. I can’t even afford to take that chance. I make more than $5 over my state’s minimum per hour wage, I make over $8 less per hour than the minimum needed to live in an apartment in my area. And by live, I mean LIVE. Not just survive. Not eat rice and beans every day. I am well aware of how my living and financial situation very likely hinders my social life. I know how unappealing it makes me in the dating world. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Our time here is very limited. I want to make the best of my time, but I don’t know if I have enough time to do that. I barely have the time to write this entry.  My free time on a day to day basis seems to be even more limited now. I feel lots of pressure to get stuff done in that limited time. But, I have so much that I NEED to get done that I sometimes have trouble deciding where my focus should be. It doesn’t help that I probably suffer from some kind of un-diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. I don’t know where to begin, as this entry may really indicate.

I believe that I’m surviving in an economic system that isn’t designed for me to succeed in. The pressure that adds to me (and so many others) is very intense. I work a full-time office job. It’s 40 hours per week, but due to the distance I have to travel, it takes up 50 hours of my time each week. That’s a lot of time. No, getting a new job closer to my house that pays better isn’t necessarily an option. There’s a reason I have that job. It’s what was available to me. And it’s still a better situation for me than I was in at this time last year when I was working multiple jobs for about the same money with only only one guaranteed day off per week.

I worked in the retail world for 20 years. There isn’t a lot of money there. For the most part, I enjoyed what I did. But, I never made a lot of money doing it. Nobody makes a lot of money in that world without a lot of sacrifice. In order to make a good living there, you need to be a salaried manager. That also means you’ll probably be working 50-60 hours per week and get paid for 40. It means you’ll work holidays. It means you’ll have no time for friends or family. I don’t know if I could do that, even if I was given the chance.

As it stands now, I don’t have much time for socializing and I don’t have much money for it either. But, I still do what I can. I go to concerts. I go to some wrestling shows. I try to entertain myself as much as I can. I need the relief. But, every single thing I do stresses me out. I’m stressed when I lounge. I stress over making leisure time for myself. And when I’m in that leisure time, I’m stressed about how much it’s costing me or how I could be doing something else or how little time I have for any of it.

Part of why I have so little money available to me now is that everything I do is paid for out of my pocket. I have not used a credit card in well over seven years. I got into a lot of trouble with those before and even though I paid off ALL of my credit card debt, in some ways I’m still paying for it. And I fear I always will. I see irony here. I can’t afford to take a chance on debts because credit card debt cost me so much more than just money. It cost me time and I can’t ever get that back.

Would I be less burdened if I had more money? That’s very possible. Maybe I could move out. Maybe I wouldn’t move out and I would just fix up my house. And trust me, it’s in dire need of a lot of work. I’m the only one willing to do anything about it, but I don’t have the money and I certainly don’t have much time to do it. Being in this house is another serious source of my stress. I don’t like what this place has turned into. I don’t like what it represents in my life. I don’t like that I can’t fix it. And the word “can’t” is one I’ve tried not to use in my life. But, this house is a world of “can’t.”

If I had my own place, I would be free of the stress that my house brings me. But, my financial burden would be so much greater. It’s a trade off that I don’t have the option of making. There’s literally nothing I can do about it at the moment and that alone sometimes and unbearable burden on me.

I work so I can afford to get to work. That’s what it seems like to me. I got my car in 2000. It now has over 200,000 miles on it. If it stops working I won’t be able to get to work. If I can’t get to work, I won’t make any money. If I don’t make money, I won’t be able to fix the car or get a new one. But, if I could afford to get a new one now, I probably would. This problem is a source of so much stress for me and so many other people in my generation. I read a book that went into a lot of details about that a while back and have referenced it before, but read “Hand to Mouth” by Linda Tirado and you’ll see how serious it is and how there’s so many people in my situation. And so many of those people feel completely helpless and hopeless.

If I had more money and time, maybe I would go back to school. Maybe I would go for something beyond my associates degree. But, unfortunately, I have neither the money nor the time to even consider it. And I certainly don’t currently have the mental space available to think about adding that burden.

I stated that I’m in an economic system that isn’t designed for me to succeed in, and I believe that with all of my being. I’ve read so much about the subject and I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that the situation I’m in, and the situation that so many others of my generation is in, is due to the policies enacted in the 1980s that have never truly been reversed and have failed EVERY SINGLE TIME they’ve been in place. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone in the Middle Class in America to thrive until there’s a massive change there. I really don’t want to get very political in this entry, but this needs to be said. We need a NEW New Deal. We need to go back to the system that we had in place after the Great Depression. It allowed the Middle Class not just to survive, but thrive. It allowed business to thrive.

I’m not an economic expert, but I understand the simple rules of “supply and demand.” Many people in power today believe if you create a supply there will be a demand. But it’s not that simple. Many retail chains are failing because we can’t afford their supply. Therefore, there isn’t a demand. If there were less financial burdens on Middle Class people, such as myself, we would have money to freely spend without worrying about we could afford to buy more than just Ramen noodles for lunch. Give us access to more money and we’ll create the demand for the supply that the demand makes necessary. Then the demand for supply would create a demand for jobs. And all of that should allow businesses to have enough money to pay more than they have been. It seems simple enough to me.

Lessen the burdens on people like me and you won’t see me so stressed about my time. You’ll see so many people less stressed about how their compensation doesn’t live up their productivity. You’ll see so many people less worried about whether or not they can provide for their family and kids. You’ll see people not needing to work multiple jobs just to stay financially afloat. You’ll see a much healthier world.

I’ve sometimes given thought to jumping into the world of politics. I have good ideas. They could be useful. I’ve been asked about running for local office. The answer I usually give as to why I won’t do it is that I don’t have the time to do it. That’s true, unfortunately. I don’t have the time to commit to things that could improve my life and possibly others. That last sentence is actually pretty sad.

I’m scared. I’m afraid that nothing will change. I’m afraid that this is how my life is going to be. I’m afraid that all of the effort I put in will make no difference. I’m afraid that I’ll be forced to do NOTHING socially just to have a few more dollars in the bank account. I’m afraid of the stress that would cause me. I’m stressed out about possible future stresses. I’m scared and stressed about how I’ve been programmed to not have confidence in myself and the stress of the situation I’m dealing with amplifies that. I barely have enough time to get a good night’s sleep and all of this stress is preventing me from sleeping well. I scared that this cycle won’t break. My depression is keeping my energy levels down and it makes it more difficult to do any of the things I want to do, and since I know how limited my available time is, it adds to all of the stress.

I want to be able to enjoy myself. I want to be able to travel. I want to go to local historic sites and take pictures. I want to be able to be in a healthy relationship without having to worry about travel and expense. I want to be more available to my friends, which I feel I haven’t been lately. I want to be able to do all of these things without worrying about how much it’s costing me financially or how much time it’s taking away from other things. I just want to stop worrying. I want the choices I make to not weigh so heavily on me. I want less burdens. I want to stop surviving day to day. I want to truly live. But, I don’t know what I can do to make that happen. I don’t know what options are available. I just know that a lot needs to change. But, I don’t even know who or what can make that happen.

I guess the point of this post is that I’m really feeling the pressure right now. There aren’t any new reasons for it. Nothing has changed for me since my last entry, but for some reason, the burdens feel heavier. The weight of them is getting to me and I’m starting to feel the way I described in a recent entry, but it’s more prominent.

I will definitely revisit this entry and its topics later. Because, while my struggles continue, so do I. I have no interest in quitting, regardless of how much stress, anxiety, or other issues it causes me. Of course, that adds to the stress and anxiety, but well…anyway…

I Don’t Catch My Breath Until the End of the Day.

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From reading my entries, you may have come to the conclusion that I do a lot of reflecting on my past. Well, you’re right, I do. And I usually do that even more so towards the end of the year and right before my birthday, which happens to be just about in the middle of the year. My year is broken up pretty evenly by that. This entry is another of those reflections and somewhat of a response to something I wrote a few ago when I was discussing what I felt to be the lack of progress in my life. I said I would write a follow up to it and with my birthday just days from now, it’s as good of a time as any to do it.

I feel very overwhelmed by life at times and very underwhelmed by results. Many things that I have enjoyed doing have become more a burden than a joy. I struggle with getting the motivation to do things that I know I should do. I think it’s a bigger issue than just being depressed. And I don’t know what the issue is.

I’ve written a few times about running races and how good those experiences were for me. Often I would be doing a practice run on a treadmill and think I couldn’t go any more, but I would will myself to do it. Nowadays, there’s so much doubt in my head about running that stopping a lot earlier than I originally planned is a relief for me. I don’t like that, but there’s a mental block that I haven’t been able to break through.

I felt that my social life was better over the last year than it had been in a very long time. I was in a relationship that really enjoyed being in. I felt it was easy for me. Many of the negative issues I had with previous relationships weren’t there. This one was just good. It was fun. I felt that it was good for me too. However, it wasn’t sustainable and it recently ended. Unlike other splits, I’ve had, there are no hard feelings here. For reasons on both of our ends, it just wasn’t able to be keep going as it was. Even without the animosity, there was definitely an emotional setback for me. I think my job was good for me there. It distracted me from the split, but I also think that distraction from emotions isn’t good sometimes. I think you need to feel the emotions you’re supposed to feel when you’re supposed to feel them and I don’t know if I did.

Much to the surprise of many of my co-workers, I genuinely like my job. It’s a desk job, but after working various forms of retail jobs for over 20 years, a desk job is beyond a pleasant change of  pace. In many ways, it’s actually ideal for me. I’m paid more per hour than I have been in many years. I work 40 hours per week. I’m still not able to make progress. The bills and expenses keep adding up. They keep coming. If I make more, the expenses increase. It’s a vicious cycle. This topic will most definitely be revisited at some point, but maybe not in this entry.

Getting back to what I said about being overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I’m still searching for that elusive balance. I want to just be whelmed. And honestly, I don’t even know if that’s an actual word, and if it is, if it fits this context. But, if overwhelmed and underwhelmed are things, why isn’t whelmed. Anyway, I digress…

I want the results of my life to match the effort I put in. But wait a minute, I just said that I’m having trouble finding motivation to do things. There’s likely a correlation there that I haven’t really put together yet. Unfortunately, the effort and the malaise aren’t in the same areas of my life. I work hard and get nowhere. I lose motivation to do things, but I still work hard. I do what I need to do, but I often wonder if it’s enough.

Where exactly am I supposed to be? Where exactly should I be? Are they the same? Am I there now? Who gets to decide these things?
Those questions are somewhat rhetorical and not rhetorical at the same time.
As I typed that last part, I was reminded of the first entry I did on this site. I guess not much as changed after all.

I’m sure anyone that reads this will think that I just need to change things in my life. Well, what are they? I said I was going to plan things out more to make sure I get things done, but I don’t even know how much time I have to do things. HOWEVER…
I’m going to plan things. Over the next few weeks and months, I’m going to do all I can to get myself into better physical shape. I will do my best to break through whatever mental barriers I have in front of me. Maybe this alone will be a big catalyst for me. Who knows?

I said earlier that I think it’s important to feel what you’re supposed to feel when you’re supposed to feel it. Sometimes that’s actually difficult and that leads to more stress. Last month, I touched on what it’s like for me to know a depression is coming on. Not being able to properly express myself at times can lead to that stress. It’s not good, and I have to work on that as well.

I write one entry per month right now. Maybe I won’t limit myself to just one. I have ideas for entries, so maybe I’ll just go with it when an idea comes to me. Although, I don’t want these entries to be less meaningful and thought out. I do my best to be constructive and to vent my frustrations in a somewhat positive manner. I have baggage to unpack and the more I unpack, the better off I should be.

I want to attempt to keep this particular entry as short as possible and not have it go into too many topics, so I’ll wrap it up now. I started my 40s very content. A few things have changed since one year ago and I’m not as sure about my direction. Malaise or not, depression or not, stress or not, I’m not done yet. I have absolutely no idea what 41 and on will bring me. I don’t know where it will bring me. I just know I need to get there.

To Weigh One’s Heart Against the Oncoming Dark.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Do I know when something bad is about to happen to me or do I just expect it? Have I been happy for too long? Was my happiness real? Was my happiness a delusion? These are questions I often deal with. And this isn’t necessarily about any one thing in particular.

I wanted to write this entry, which is almost a follow up to one I wrote just a few months back, because this is the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month, and also because the thoughts and worries described in that opening paragraph often show up, with no warning. But, instead of rehashing the exact same entry, I want to dig a little bit deeper into what it does to me when I feel a depression coming on. Especially if I fear it could be a big one.

The first and most prominent feeling is anxiety. I get so anxious and my focus drifts. I’ll feel completely empty inside, and I’m not talking about being hungry, that comes later. I’ll start to just feel afraid of everything around me. My heart will start racing, and that will make me more afraid.

At night, I won’t be able to sleep because I can’t shut my brain off. I’ll lay in bed in deafening silence. During the day, I’ll doze off because I hadn’t slept at night. But, that happens at times when I’m not supposed to be sleeping, like when I’m work or maybe when I’m driving. I’ll yawn a lot, and each time it feels like a breath taken during hyperventilation.

As I said earlier, my focus will drift. My attention span will vanish. If I’m listening to a podcast, I may have to rewind a certain portion two or three times because I won’t remember what they said just seconds later…
Ironically, it’s been about 15 minutes since I wrote that last sentence.
Anyway…

I’ll feel a need to talk to someone about my problems, but I’ll have the desire and instinct to shut down and and overwhelming urge to leave everything. I’ll want to go back to my bedroom, turn off the lights, and just sit there. I may have the TV on, but it may only be YouTube clips because there isn’t any way I would be able to watch anything longer than five minutes. If it’s the summer time, I’ll make sure the air conditioning is off. I’ll sit there in the uncomfortable heat and humidity because I’ll feel a need to suffer, because my brain tells me that I deserve it. I may have my phone off during this time to avoid anyone contacting me, even though I started off by saying I may have a need to talk to someone.

My instincts will be to quit things I’m involved in. I guess that if I have less to do or if I’m in involved with less things, it’ll somehow lessen my burdens and lessen the figurative weight holding me down. And once my mind is set to actually quit something, it does feel like a relief, unless I need to talk to someone about it, then I get very anxious about it.

I’ll want to do absolutely nothing. Every day tasks become a complete and sometimes overwhelming challenge. So much mental strength will be used us just to get out of bed, shower, and leave my house. Getting through a day at work, even if I’m enjoying what I do there, is still a challenge because I know whatever the problem is will still be there when work is done.

But while doing nothing I’ll wonder if doing nothing is actually hiding from my problems? Why am I not confronting them? Or is it just doing what I need to do at that time to deal with them? But, what exactly is it that I need to do about the problems? I don’t know the answers to these questions, and that makes it all worse.

Recent memories will start to feel distant while distant memories starting being prominent.

The emptiness I spoke of earlier will grow and grow until it’s a loneliness that can’t be subdued by talking to just anyone. It just lingers there until it goes away, but that could be hours, minutes, days, weeks…
It’s never consistent.

I could be in a situation where none of the blame lies with me, but my instinct is to feel guilty. I will accept blame for things that aren’t my doing. That weighs me down too.

I want you keep all of this mind right now when I say that all of the symptoms I’ve discussed so far are how I feel before the depression really kicks in.

If I’m truly going through a depressive episode, you can take everything I’ve talked about, multiply it a few times, add a total loss of appetite, the non-stop taste of bile in my mouth, and a constant fatigue. You’ll also notice that I may have no ability to communicate with you since I’ll lose focus during a conversation and forget what you’ve said, if I heard it at all. I’ll have the desire to find a corner, and sit in it, curled up in a ball. It’s a feeling similar to what people with claustrophobia feel, because it’s like everything is caving in on me, even if I’m in a wide open space. And the fact that I’m using so much mental and emotional strength to push away feelings, situations, and people during that time is exhausting.

I’ve done so much to avoid getting to that point. It’s been A LONG time since I’ve been there. I fight it off as much as I can, and it takes a lot out of me. I do what I can to distract myself from getting there. And sometimes, fighting it off can be such an arduous task. Sometimes, it just seems easier to let it happen and embrace the suffering than trying to fight it, but I don’t want to do that. I’ve been there and I don’t want to do back.

If I do get to that point, socializing is more difficult for me than it normally is. I will withdraw a bit, but if I have to be in a social setting, I’ll do my best, but what will that look like? I wrote something a while back that you can look at if you want to. That entry went into some of my social anxieties. If I remember correctly, the gathering I was about to attend around the time that I wrote that one had my so anxious and nervous that I actually lost track of where I was while I was driving there and made a few wrong turns, and it wasn’t intentional.

This entry is a bit more manic than others I’ve written. The thoughts aren’t nearly as fluid as I would normally like them to be, but I want it that way. I want anyone reading this to be able to see what my mind goes through during these times. I want to somehow convey the chaos that goes on in my mind.

I’ve read about mental illness and I know that not everyone experiences the same things. I know that how I handle, process, and deal with my depression may not work for others. I’m not even sure how well it works for me. But, for now, I have a sense of control of it. I’ve been through it enough times to know how to not let it get too far gone.

I don’t know how much control I have over certain aspects of my life and I certainly don’t know if I have that much control over my mind, but I can do my best to control how the two interact. There’s no choice in that matter. If things get bad for me, I will fight. I will get through it, and I will be wiser.

Maybe I’m not much wiser than I was a few minutes ago, but maybe you have a better understanding of what it’s like in my head at times. It can be a roller coaster with a lot more declines than inclines and getting out of there can be difficult.

Winston Churchill famously said “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” I’m not quite in a Hell now, but where ever I am, I’m still going.

Dim My Lights, One by One.

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I remember who did it. I remember what they did. I remember where they did it. I remember when they did it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember it because it’s impacted my life. It’s impacted what I’ve become. It’s impacted and influenced how I feel about myself. It’s impacted why it’s not easy for me to trust. It’s impacted so much.

What is it that I’m talking about? I’m talking time I wore a nicer shirt and a sweater when I was in 4th grade and someone pointed at me and laughed. I’m talking about the time in 6th grade that I was scratching an itch on my nose and the girl in the seat next to me said I was picking my nose and from that day on she ALWAYS referred to me as “snot.” I remember when I went to school with braces and headgear and was mocked. I remember going back to my house almost in tears about it and being told there was no choice, I had to wear it and how scared that made me. I remember in my Jr. year of high school someone taped a sign on my back that said “rat boy” in reference to the overbite I had at the time. I remember the looks on the faces of everyone that pointed and laughed at me. I do remember ALL of it. I remember how scared and helpless I felt early in my freshman year of high school while walking back to my house and I was in the parking lot of FoodTown when a few kids took all of my money ($1.50) while one of them had his arm wrapped around my throat. I remember each and every person that played a part in that and how happy they seemed at the time.

There’s more events that I remember. And honestly, most of what I’ve just mentioned has NEVER been talked about. Not in writing and not verbally to anyone at all. I was bullied and picked on so much and so often in school that I felt that I deserved it. It was what was supposed to happen to me. Why else would it happen so often if it wasn’t something that was supposed to be? I remember being shoved into a door as I was tying to exit my eight grade social studies class. I apologized to the kid that shoved me, because I felt I was obviously in his way. That’s how bad it was. That’s how awful my I felt about myself.

Yes, I know that I’m talking about events that happened well over 20 years ago. Why am I talking about them now? Because they helped create me. These incidents, and how they made me feel then have played a drastic part in how I’ve felt every single day since then.

I stated that I didn’t talk about these things then. Why not? Because it would get worse if I did. A group of classmates harassed me in sixth grade. I told my mother. She told a teacher. He told the students. They got worse. I didn’t want it to be any worse than that.

Unfortunately, I usually couldn’t talk to my parents about it. My mom’s response was always to report it. I knew things would get worse for me if that happened, so I stopped telling her. My dad just doesn’t know how to handle situations like this and isn’t someone I could turn to. Also, my parents had their own ways of making me feel small. Honest, thoughtful, positive communication wasn’t something I was surrounded by. I know it’s a term used by some to mock others, and that annoys me to no end, but the truth of the matter is that I didn’t have a “safe space.” And in many ways, I still don’t. One day, I may explain this a little bit more, but now isn’t the time.

Think about what that does to someone. Think about what it does to someone in his (or her) formative years. Think about being afraid to go to school and not then not getting the help you need at home. Think about being afraid to report being hurt, physically or emotionally, because talking about it could make it worse. Think about how horrifying of an experience every day life was.

I spent much of my after school time in my room. My room was my sanctuary. I read comic books. I watched a lot of TV. I listened to the radio a lot. I did this all in my room, which was the same room that I was sent to as a punishment when I was younger. My sanctuary was also my prison. This was also a conflict for me.

Writing  all of this is making me very anxious. I wasn’t kidding when I said that I haven’t ever spoken about some of these things. But, recently I’ve read a few stories about bullying. I read stories from people that were talking about incidents from their own school days, by students and by teachers. I’ve read stories of adults possibly being bullied and how that may have triggered a full depression incident in someone. Those things that I read opened up some old memories and feelings in me. Some of the things I brought up here and things I hadn’t thought of in a very long time. But, here I am. I’m now in my 40s and I’m still feeling anxiety over things that happened when I was 14.

I’m sure that more will come to me after I publish this. I’m sure more memories will bubble up to the surface. This is not a matter of letting it go, or getting over it. I also don’t feel it’s as simple as forgive and forget. It’s not even as simple as just moving on. It’s trying to move forward, but with an anchor tied to my feet. Letting go of this baggage is not easy. I do my best to unpack it, little by little, but it’s a mighty arduous process. And honestly, I don’t know when more memories might get triggered. This one was simply started by me reading a few posts on Facebook.

I assure you that I wish none of this happened to me. I wish it didn’t happen to others. But, it did. And it still does. It shouldn’t. We, as a society, and as a culture need to do what we can to stop bullying, harassing, insulting, and abusing others. We need to be more understanding and caring to those that it happens to. I’m here to talk about it. I’m scarred, but I survived. Others like me didn’t survive. It was just too much for them.

We need to better. We need to be better for today’s youth. We need to be better for today’s children. We need to be better for each other. We just need to be better.

Running Twice as Fast to Stay in the Same Place.

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Sometimes it seems that I have very little to show for all of the progress that I make in life. I could probably end this entry right there. I’ve made my point without having to elaborate. But, I don’t think that accomplishes anything. But then again, considering the theme of this entry, does it even matter?

Last year at this time, I was working multiple low paying jobs and barely getting by. Now, I’m working one higher paying job and doing better, but I haven’t been able to really get ahead. I won’t go back to the situation I was in last year. It helps that I literally can’t. One of the jobs I worked last year no longer exists. And I bring it up as a reminder to myself that I am actually in a better situation. Yet, it’s hard for me to believe it.

Excuse me for being vague in this next part, but there’s still some things I don’t publicly like talking about at least not in this forum. But trust me, there’s a lot of material here that will likely be talked about at another time.
I feel that I’ve made significant progress in fixing and cleaning things in my house, but they are usually undone, sometimes instantly. I like progress. To see the progress I make be undone is frustrating.
But, just like my house, it seems like there’s no fixing certain people in it. Of course, in order to be fixed/get help, you have to first admit there’s a problem. And I guess it doesn’t matter how many times the exact same issues are pointed out.

Maybe I fall into that category too. I KNOW I would be better off I wasn’t in this house, but it is 100% not financially possible for me to do anything about that. So, while I’m here I want it to be as pleasant, nice, neat, organized, and peaceful as possible. There’s very little support for me in that effort. It’s so devastatingly defeating to have to return to this every day.

Over the last few years I’ve started exercising a lot more than I used to. But, considering how little I used to exercise, anything would be more. But, in all seriousness, I was doing very well there. I was doing DDP Yoga every day, going to the gym a few times per week, and running outside regularly. The results were evident. I had lost weight. I was running my best 5K race times. Things were going well there. They WERE.
Now, I still do the workouts, but I’m not getting the results. The name of this entry is “Running Twice as Fast to Stay in the Same Place.” It’s figurative for most of this, but literal for this portion. I’ve gained weight and slowed down. I don’t see results. Unfortunately, it’s defeated me more than it’s motivated me.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is considered to be the definition of insanity. Maybe I’m insane. I know that things need to change. I don’t know how to change them. That’s another problem. What can I do in my life to produce different results? How can I make actual progress? What will it take?

Maybe I need to use my disorder and make order out of it. One of the symptoms of the type of depression I have is the need for routines. Some people are critical of that and think it’s bad to plan out things as much as I’ve been known to. Well, maybe I need to do just that. Maybe I need to make a plan and stick to it as much as I possibly can. Maybe I can get some more positive results that way. Maybe, just maybe I can take this alleged weakness and make it a strength. If it’s a negative trait of mine, I’m going to make it a positive.

Of course, this does present a problem for me. The more I plan things out, the more stressed out I will become if I don’t hit goals. The more I plans things out, the more anxiety I feel when I’m limited on time. But, I don’t know if there’s any other options for me right now. I think I have to go for it. 2017 is 25% over. I’m going to map out specific goals for the next 25% of the year. And I mean day by day plans. What workouts I’m going to do, what days I’ll go to the gym and what days I’ll just workout at my house. I’ll plan what days I’m going to run outside, weather permitting, of course. I’ll plan when I’m going to relax. I know that sounds weird, but it (sometimes) works for me. I need to start planning (healthier) meals too.

The bottom line is that I need a plan. If I don’t know where specifically where I want to go, how can I get there? There’s no turning back. I need to move forward. Progress must happen. If I have to get a little stressed to get the results I want, then maybe I have to get a little bit stressed. I’m going to revisit this entry in 3 months and I’m going to write a follow up to it. I truly hope that I have good things to say about it.

 

If My Life Wasn’t Funny, it Would Just Be True…

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“I have a mess in my head sometimes, and there’s something very satisfying about putting it into words. Certainly it’s not something that you’re in charge of, necessarily, but writing about it, putting it into your words, can be a very powerful experience.”

That quote has summed me up for a while. If you’re reading this and if you’ve read other blog entries of mine, you’ve seen it in action. I wish those words were mine. But, they’re not. They’re Carrie Fisher’s and this blog entry is dedicated to her.

Just about one year ago I wrote an entry criticizing people for being insensitive towards others mourning the death of celebrities. I published that entry on January 29, 2016. At that point, none of us knew how many more big name celebrities we would lose during the calendar year. I could go on and on about some of them; David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Abe Vigoda, Gary Shandling, Muhammad Ali, and Gene Wilder to name a few. They all had some kind of impact on me. At the very least, they entertained me and provided a distraction. They provided laughs. They provided excitement.

But the celebrity death from 2016 that hit me harder than the rest of them was definitely Carrie Fisher. Without question, she’s best known for her role of Princess Leia in the Star Wars saga. I saw the first Star Wars movie when I was six years old in 1982. I was IMMEDIATELY hooked on them. And it’s safe to say that Princess Leia/Carrie Fisher was more than likely my first celebrity crush. Well, it was her or Daisy Duke. But, I digress.

In addition to her role in the Star Wars films, she also had roles in two of my other favorite movies, the Blues Brothers and Under the Rainbow. Yes, I said Under the Rainbow is a favorite of mine. So what? But, the truth is that while I always liked her in the roles she played in those movies, it was the real life role she played that made her so important to me.

A few years ago I started to come to terms with my depression and I tried to understand it more. Carrie Fisher played a big role in that. She wrote an autobiography called “Wishful Drinking.” She also performed a stage version of that book which was recorded and broadcast on HBO. When I watched that show I saw someone that had been to Hell and back. She had battled depression, substance abuse, self-esteem issues, and so much more. And she was laughing about it. But, her laughter wasn’t brushing it off. It was dealing with it. She said “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true. And that is unacceptable.” Hearing that line made such a difference to me. I got it.

wishful_drinking_book

After watching that show on HBO, I read the book and got it even more. She inspired me to not hold anything back. She inspired me to be open about my issues. She taught me that it’s okay to be who I am. She taught me that it’s okay to laugh at my own disasters. She reinforced something that I needed to hear over and over again, and that is that I’m not alone.

“I’m very sane about how crazy I am” is another line of her’s that I understand. I have my problems. I am aware of most of them. I do my best to keep them in check and under control. I know where a good amount of them come from. I know what I need to do when they pop up. I don’t know if that line meant the same to her as it does to me, but I like it.

In Star Wars Carrie Fisher played a princess. That character was a hero to many. But, to me, the real life Carrie Fisher was just as much of a hero as the fictional character she portrayed on film, maybe even more so. She was able to rise out of the ashes of her own life, make light of her issues, and shed light on them for others. That takes strength and bravery. If I’m half as strong as she was, I’ll be okay.

I don’t know if this entry is doing her justice. I don’t know if my admiration for her is coming out as strongly as I had envisioned. Then again, that could just be my own self-doubt coming through. But you know what? None of that matters. Because it’s my life and if my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true…

and that is unacceptable.

quote-if-my-life-wasn-t-funny-it-would-just-be-true-and-that-is-unacceptable-carrie-fisher-37-72-70Carrie Fisher (10/ 21/1956 – 12/27/2016)

One Year From Now, Will I Be Strong? Will I Stand Up for What I’ve Become?

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At the end of every year I write a blog trying to sum up my year. I weigh the good and the bad and try to answer the question “am I better off than I was one year ago?” I’ll say that on a personal level, the answer is absolutely YES. I am better off than I was one year ago. It’s actually simple to answer this year. Although, there were some hiccups along the way.

I was working multiple jobs throughout most of 2016. I was getting by. I was making enough money that I could pay my bills, put gas in my car, have enough food, and occasionally have fun. To some degree, savings happened as well. That’s all a good thing, other than the fact that I needed multiple jobs to do it. However, just a few weeks ago I started a new office job with the highest hourly salary I’ve had in over 5 years. So far, I really like it. And as a result of getting that job, I’ve left the others. I’m now down to one job. I’m not yet able to clearly see the impact the new job will have on my finances. I’ve only received one paycheck, and it not a full pay cycle. In a month or so, I’ll be able to see how it all plays out there. But, I think I’ll be fine. I’ve learned to survive on minimal money, so we’ll see how I do with the new pay scale.

I ran a few 5k races in 2016. My results were mixed. I am not disappointed with the results, but I’m not completely satisfied either. I know that I did the best I could in each race that I ran, but I still think I could have done better. That makes sense to me. I joked that my slower results happened because I turned 40. But the truth of the matter is that my age didn’t have anything to do with it, my weight did. I was between 15 and 20 pounds heavier than I was when I did those same races in 2015. Unfortunately, I’ve gained more weight since then. I now see my extra weight as a challenge for 2017. I’m going to come up with a specific workout plan with various goals that I need to meet. I’m also going to attempt to eat a little bit better. My weight should get better with those things falling into place.

2016 also saw me get more involved in things with my town. A group that I’m a part of will being helping out with of a lot community events in 2017. One particular aspect that I’m excited about with this group is that it’ll allow me to not only run in my town’s 5k, but I’ll be part of the group that will be running it. By that I mean, we’ll be organizing it. And of course, I’ll be participating in it again. I’ve done this one 4 times before and have had my best ever race times 3 out of 4 times. Of course, one of those races was my first ever race, so it was (obviously) my fastest ever. This race should be happening towards the end of August. I see every athletic endeavor I do up until then as practice.

I had almost completely given up on my social life when 2016 began. More specifically, I had almost no hope of being in a relationship again. I had tried dating sites in 2015 and umm…well… some of those stories could be another blog entry. But anyway, I met someone during 2016 and what started out with some text messages back and forth turned into an actual relationship and became some of the happiest months I’ve had in years. I couldn’t ask for more from her.

I said that two of my biggest regrets of 2015 were not hitting my book reading goal and not being able to perform a Black Crow pose in my DDP Yoga sessions. History has repeated itself. I didn’t come close with either. Working only one job now may help me hit a book reading goal in 2017. Black Crow…
we’ll see about that one. It doesn’t come up often in the workouts I do, but my efforts are not pretty.

As much I personally enjoyed 2016, I almost feel guilty about enjoying it. There’s been so much suffering, so much anger, and so much discontent. There’s been so many high profile celebrity deaths in 2016. And before anybody makes any snide remarks about how that isn’t important, I’ll say that I think nobody can tell anyone else how to feel about anything. Some of those deaths genuinely shook me. Some of my earliest childhood memories were of things related to Star Wars and Willy Wonka. The deaths of Carrie Fisher and Gene Wilder have left a void. Carrie Fisher had become a legitimate hero of mine due to her incredibly honest and open approach to her battles with depression and other issues. I really feel that there will be a blog entry about her in the near future.

I’ve had a lot of friendships develop and strengthen in 2016. I’ve had people that were only acquaintances become friends. My blogs got some attention from people. Some read some of my entries about depression and reached out. I’ll never forget the people that said something about them. One particular person read an entry I wrote and when he and I were at the same place later that day, he just said “I read what you wrote today. I hope you’re doing okay.” A simple gesture like that goes a long way. The word “appreciation” doesn’t do it justice.

As 2016 comes to an end, we look forward to 2017. And judging by what’s about to happen to the United States on a political scale, I say look forward only because it’s what’s ahead of us. I actually dread what’s about to happen here. I fear for the rights and safety of some of my friends. I fear for the overall United part of the United States. I fear for the economy. I have lots of fears. However, I also have hope. I have hope that smart, sane, idealistic people will start to rise through the ranks and secure our future, if anything is left. And yes, you can include me in that group. The involvement in town affairs that I spoke of earlier may just be the beginning for me.

Last year I wrote about how my impending 40th birthday was looming “over me almost like a really large black cloud.” I certainly didn’t imagine how good 40 has been to me so far. And just like every year, my resolution for the new is year is “to make it better.” In 2017, that means many things. I want to get myself into better shape. I want the good things that happened to me in 2016 to continue and to get even better. I just want to make things better. I’m still here. I’m still standing. I’m still improving. I’m even smiling. I actually like how things are in my life. I like what I’ve become and the path I appear to be on. I’m not delusional, I know that things can happen to change my course. I know my depression could act up. I know my anxiety could act up. But, I feel more equipped to handle it. I feel that I have a good support system in place. I feel that I can get through whatever happens.

2016 is just about gone. There’s some aspects of it that make me glad to see it go, but there’s a lot I’m grateful for. I want the latter to continue in 2017.

The Weakness of Hope Is the Strength of Decline.

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Have I achieved anything? Am I an underachiever? Am I an overachiever? I think the answer to all of those questions depends on someone’s perception of me. I would give my own answer on those questions, but I just don’t know what the answer is.

Most of the times in my life that I have actually achieved any level of success, I was surprised to have gotten there. Does that mean I’ve overachieved? Very often, I had someone telling me “you’re better than that.” Does that mean I underachieved? The voices that told me how I wasn’t doing well enough dominated the formation of my esteem. It’s made it very difficult for me to feel pride in something I’ve done because I’m not sure if it is ever good enough, or even good at all.

If you take what I  just talked about and combine it with other aspects of my depression and anxieties, I’m sometimes amazed that I can even get out of bed in the morning. I have such difficulties in starting tasks sometimes. Is it because I’m afraid to fail? Am I afraid to lose? But, if I believe I’m constantly not living up to my potential, that should mean I’m used to failure and losing, right? And since failure isn’t a good feeling, maybe I just don’t want to feel it again. So if I don’t bother to try something, I can’t actually fail at it, right?

Over the past few years I have personally made significant improvements in my house. However, I’ve watched those improvements go unnoticed, unappreciated, and in many cases, undone. This pattern has made me reluctant to do any more in the house, despite my incredible desire to fix things here because of how incredibly unhappy I am here. Some people would suggest that if I’m so unhappy where I live, I should go someplace else. But that’s not financially possible. And that’s a subject I could go on and on about, and I’ve touched upon it before. But, like the household issue, every time I make financial progress, something happens and my progress goes away.

I ran seven 5k races in 2016. I’ve used my November blog in 2014 and 2015 to talk about them. I’m not going to give a full recap blog this year. My results were very mixed this year. I didn’t set any new records for myself. In fact, in all of the races I ran, I only improved upon one race vs. the year before, and that was by .33 seconds. Many of the results were some of my slower finishes. They were ALL under 30 minutes, which has always been one my goals. And while one race was my 2nd quickest finish and I kept saying that I did the best I could each time, I still have doubts that I didn’t underachieve this year. And I also wonder if I was defeated by my own doubts before the races even began, and that may be why I skipped one race at the end. I didn’t have confidence that I could do it in under 30 minutes.

The race scenario is just one example that I thought of because it’s a recent thing. Quitting isn’t something I do often. Once I am committed to something, I’m actually committed to it. But that’s really because I’m afraid to let someone down. The voices in my head often weigh the options, loudly. Big decisions don’t come easy to me, and because of my fear of consequences, even the smallest of decisions can become big decisions for me. Quitting isn’t the issue. Starting is.

It’s difficult for me to confront someone with issues I have. Even if I know without any shadow of a doubt that I’m right. Some people can make me feel wrong even in those situations. I don’t have the confidence in myself to do anything about it or to even make my case. Why is that? Am I afraid to offend someone? Have I been conditioned that being right isn’t good? Am I afraid that if I point out someone else’s mistake that it somehow poorly reflects on me?

Nature vs. nurture? Product of my environment? They’re both accurate with me. At 40 years old, is there still hope for me? Some would say there is. Others would say I should have figured this stuff out years ago. And that’s just it. Whoever would say those things to me may not even be around anymore, but I still hear them. My own belief is that it is good that I’m aware of these issues. That may be why I have this internal struggle, because I’m fighting my own programming and trying to make positive changes. Yes, it’s an uphill battle with lots of obstacles, but I have to keep trying, even if the voices tell me otherwise.