Category Archives: Anxiety

It Must Sound Too Far Fetched, but You Can Bet Your Bottom Dollar I Ain’t Going like the Rest.

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I’m 40 years old. I’ve spent much of my adult life struggling with my esteem, my self worth, and my financial worth. I keep trying to crawl up to be above the Poverty Line. I’ve also spent a great deal of my life being told how awful the place I lived was. I was told how bad my house is. I was told how my interests and beliefs don’t matter. I was taught to believe I would never amount to anything. I was taught to believe the place I lived was no good. I was taught not to like my surroundings. I was taught to believe there isn’t any hope. And much of these teachings came from inside my own house.

I’m one person. I’m only one person. I’m one person that’s been in a holding pattern in life. Sometimes I say I’m rebuilding. Sometimes I just think I’m building. But, I’m just one person. I’m one person that has the same opportunity as everyone else in the United States of America has. I’m one person that has the same chances and the same rights as everyone else has, right? In theory, yes, but in practice?

Imagine the story I just told about myself from a different perspective. Imagine you came from a family in a much more economically challenged area than I live in. Imagine you came from a family of people that weren’t granted equal rights as everyone else until 50 years ago. Imagine, while you were able to go to school and get a job like everyone else, you weren’t paid the same. Now imagine that it’s now illegal for you to not have the same opportunities as everyone else, but you’ve been behind the curve for so long that it’s more difficult to catch up. Now imagine just after you’ve been granted these opportunities, the economic system in the country you live in drastically changes and doesn’t seem to help out the people on the bottom and in the middle as much as it does the people at top. And imagine you’re told by the people in your community that there’s no hope and the people outside your community always look down upon you and let you know it. Just imagine how frustrated and angry you may be?

As I said, I’m just one person. Imagine it’s an entire race, or ethnicity, of people. It’s not hard to imagine, because it’s what’s been happening for years. I know people will read this and immediately start talking about how there’s welfare and other social safety net solutions to help the poor communities, but do you know what would help them a lot more? A reversal of fortune due to a reversal of economic policies currently in place designed to help very few.

When discussing something with a former co-worker, I mentioned towns like Paterson, Newark, and Camden. They’re all in New Jersey and they’re all predominantly minority in demographics. They’re all crime ridden areas. And they were all once thriving areas. When I said something about those towns being bad areas, the reply was “what do they all have in common?” Yes, the implication was they’re all bad because they’re minorities. Well, how about they’re all bad areas because society has left them behind. They’re bad areas because for 35 years, this country has catered to the rich and has left the poor behind. In a cause/effect scenario, they’re not the initial cause. The places they live and the conditions they live in are the effect.

In 1981, the “Trickle Down Economic” plan was put into place. It lowered taxes on the wealthy and raised taxes on the middle class (multiple times). The idea was if the rich had more money, they would create more businesses. More businesses would mean more jobs. More jobs would mean more people would make more money. More money would boost a somewhat stagnant economy. It’s been 35 years. The trickle never happened. The rich got richer. The poor got poorer. And the hopes of many people, communities, and cities diminished.

I have been working multiple jobs for a few years now. I have been spending more money in that time period than I had since I used credit cards. I’ve also been saving money. Of course, I have almost no free time now. Just imagine if I was able to make the amount of money I make per week, working one job, and only 40 hours. And imagine if everyone else had the same opportunity. We would have a thriving economy. It’s a simple concept.

And before anyone states that if I had better jobs or a better education, let me state that I have worked full-time jobs for over 20 years. I’m currently working multiple part-time jobs due to circumstances beyond my control. But while working full-time jobs, I was still under the poverty line. 32-40 hours per week and needing a second job just to be able to afford enough enough gas in my car to get to the grocery store to buy enough food to last until my next paycheck, but I’m just one person. I don’t have children or anyone else relying on my income. I’m just one person.

I’m just one person that has read a lot about history and politics. I’ve read enough to know that after all of the social programs that were put into place in the 1930s by President Franklin Roosevelt after the Great Depression, our country thrived. People had jobs. They had protections in place to make sure they had job security. People earned enough money working one 40 hour per week job that it wasn’t necessary for two parents to work in one household. In many cases, the father worked and the mother stayed home with the kids. That simple trait isn’t an option for most people now.

Our country’s infrastructure was built in the 1940s and 1950s. Our Interstate Highway system was constructed and paid for by tax dollars and tolls. The country’s highways and bridges have fallen into disrepair over the past few years as less and less tax dollars have come in.

Is it a coincidence that we don’t see as many “one bread winner” households now? Is it a coincidence that our roads look the way they do now? No, it’s not. The Trickle didn’t happen. And it never will.

Our inner cities are failing. The people in those places are not to blame. Many of the people in those cities have never been given the chances that their somewhat recently acquired rights have granted them. Those cities don’t have tax revenue. They don’t have anything in place to keep them going.

I admit this entry is a bit disjointed. But, I’m trying to cram in as much as I can into as short of an entry as I can because I actually want people to read it. With more time to commit to the entry, I could probably load it with quotes, statistics, and other researched facts. But, as I’ve said a few times, I’m just one person.  I’m one person that has read a lot about social and economic issues. And I’m one person whose voice has often been silenced.But I’m one person that based on skin tone, many of you think has had a better chance than people that look differently than me. To some degree, I have had more chances, but that doesn’t mean the system is set up to be in my favor. The chances granted to me often come from how I look and who I know. It’s not necessarily due to anything else.

I’m just one person. But, I’m one person that knows how the system is played. I’m one person that knows the game needs to change. I’m one person that has a voice, even if it’s only really heard here, and only by a handful of people.

Change is needed. And change often starts with just one person.

For Every Dream That is Left Behind Me, I Take A Bow.

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I always get very reflective during this time of year. Well, more than usual, that is. My birthday is July 3rd, and that means it’s time for me to look back on a year of life and think about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. However, this year is a little bit different. I’m turning 40 on this year’s July 3rd. Yes, my countdown to 40 years of age is now at just 3 days to go (as of when this is being published).

A few days ago, I looked back at a copy of the blog I wrote for my 30th birthday. I had a different, less serious writing style then. From reading that particular entry, I can’t get a good gauge of what I was feeling at that time, but I think that was the point of what I wrote and how I wrote it then. A lot has changed for me over the past 10 years, but then again, a lot has remained the same. I don’t know if the part that hasn’t changed is good or bad.

One thing is for certain, I have a much better perspective of what’s important in life. The past 10 years have seen me deal with significant loss, emotional lows, financial turmoil, loss of jobs, and relationship issues. I’ve documented basically all of them in my entries here, and there’s links there if you want to read more.
The past 10 years have also given me some emotional highs, (a bit more) financial freedom than I’m used to, new jobs, and new relationships. It all goes back to the balance I’ve spoken of a few times. But, it’s also about my perspective on things.

It’s very easy for me to look at where I am at 40 and think I’m not “where I’m supposed to be.” I never thought at this age I would still be living in the same house that I grew up in. I never thought I wouldn’t be married. I never thought I would be struggling paycheck to paycheck as I have. But, that’s where I am. And while it does get to me sometimes that I’m not further along, I also know that I could have it A LOT worse. Trust me, there’s some struggles and strife being in this house, and that’s a topic for a few entries, but at a later time. I do have enough perspective to know that it’s not all bad.

I started my 30s with an overbearing amount of credit card debt. I eliminated that over 3 years ago. Not having that burden weighing me down is an incredible feeling. However, as I’ve stated, I am struggling financially. I am currently a full time employee at a company that won’t exist much longer, while also working part time jobs on the side, just to survive. I have a bit of uncertainty with my current employment situation. I felt much more secure there 10 years ago. I was paid better and had job security, but all of my money was going towards my debt. Now, I’m paid less, have no job security, but no debt. Balance?

In some ways, I’ve given up on the dream of finding that one job that is THE ONE for me, if that makes sense. I am more concerned about being comfortable enough at a job, while not being complacent. I am concerned about that job providing enough for me to live comfortably, and hopefully with health benefits. My priorities have definitely switched. But, don’t get me wrong, if I were in a position to make a little less to do something that I absolutely loved doing, I probably would.

Getting back to what I said about my writing style from 10 years ago, it was definitely different. I would say what I had to say, but it was mostly incredibly vague. I wasn’t able to really express myself. In some cases, I wasn’t really allowed to. And, I was definitely not comfortable enough to do so. I had so much built up inside of me, but it never came out. It just stayed there until it faded into nothingness. This itself is a possible future topic.

One thing I am definitely aware of from when I turned 30 was where my health and weight was. I gained a lot of weight at this time 10 years ago. I had gone up to 230 pounds and was just basically not really active. It was during that summer that I first joined a gym, changed some of my eating habits, and hoped to get healthier. Here I am 10 years later, and I’m in the best shape of my life. I workout daily, I run a few times per week, and I’ve participated in twenty 5k races (as of this writing). I don’t see that changing.

The simple fact that I have pride in some of my accomplishments over the last few years is a big change from where I was 10 years ago. Hell, it’s a change from where I was 5 years ago. The fact that I can write these entries as openly as I do is a big thing for me. I would never have been able to do this a few years ago. But, I realize how important it is for me to have an outlet. There were things in my way. Some were just mental blocks, some were bigger than that. Some of those obstacles are not here anymore and it’s good to be able to express myself. To be completely honest, sometimes I even surprise myself in these entries with my ability to open up.

A few years ago, a friend read a particular blog entry I made and he told me he wanted to sit down and talk to me about some things from it. He’s a few years older than I am, and told me how much his life started to improve at age 40. Here, I am just days away from that milestone and even with a big bit of uncertainty about some aspects of my life, I’m starting to believe him a bit. I’ve noticed recently in situations where my defaults would kick in, they haven’t. My fears have not kicked in. My confidence is higher than I’m used to. But, even with all of that said, and even with all of the losses I’ve had in the past 10 (and even 40) years, I’m more optimistic than I’ve been on a long time. So maybe my friend was right. I’ll let you know in a few years.

Free as a Bird.

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Throughout my life, the happiest individual I’ve ever encountered was Jim. In almost every situation I ever saw Jim in, he was happy. Even if something bad had happened to him, once it was over, he was happy again. He almost made happiness look simple, even as there were some factors working against him, and for much of his life, he did have some things in his way.

Jim was a parakeet that I had for almost 10 years. He came to me when I was in 4th grade. My family has had birds since I was a child. I lived across the street from an elementary school and one day while sitting in class during 4th grade, an announcement was made stating that a parakeet had flown into the gymnasium and if anyone lived in the area and had a bird, they should come to the office. I went there, but by that time, they had him covered under a box and wouldn’t let it up in case he took off. But, the school secretary called my house and spoke to my mother who checked and both of the parakeets we had at the time were accounted for. However, she also said that we would take him and keep him until someone claimed him. Nobody ever did, and he stayed with us. We named him Jim due to him flying into the gym at the school. Yeah, we were clever like that.

We had no idea how old Jim was at the time. But, the tag on his foot indicated that he may have been 2 years old when we got him. He wasn’t a tame bird, in the sense that he would very rarely come out and fly around the house and play with people like some other birds we’ve had would do. But, he would still happily sit in his cage, eat, play, and chirp. He was always chirping. He even shared my love of hard rock. His favorite band was Nirvana, and his favorite song was “Heart Shaped Box.” He always reacted to that song.

Another parakeet we had, JJ also wasn’t as tame as others. He just wouldn’t play with people. And at one point, maybe just to save room in the house, we decided to make JJ and Jim roommates. They got along, but JJ was definitely the Alpha Male in the cage. Even though Jim was a bigger bird, JJ quickly established that it was HIS room and Jim was second fiddle. A great example of this would be if the two of them were both on the swing in the cage, JJ would stand as close to the center as possible and Jim would be pushed up against the side of the swing. Sometimes, he would even have one foot on the swing and one foot on the side of the cage, just so he could be partially on the swing.

But, let me get back to an example of why I believe Jim was the happiest creature ever. There was a time when I heard some commotion in the cage. I looked and Jim had gotten his foot caught in a toy. It was a round ball/bell with slits in it. He got his foot stuck and was flapping and screaming in an effort to get out. I went over to help. I grabbed him, and he bit me, but not to hurt, just to grip. He understood the help I was trying to provide. I actually couldn’t get him out, but my mother was able to. Within minutes of his foot being removed from the toy, he was on a perch in the cage (with the foot up in the air), but his head feathers were up and he was chirping a happy chirp. The trauma was over, time to move on and sing. That’s how he lived his life.

At the time we had JJ and Jim, we also had some other birds, including Sparky. Sparky was another special bird. She was incredibly friendly and loved coming out and playing with people. She also liked playing with JJ and Jim. We would sometimes put her in their cage and let them play for a while. JJ often dominated the playtime. There were times when he wouldn’t let Jim near her. One time, we had their cage in the kitchen and we brought Sparky in and put her in their cage. JJ started with his dominance and Jim snapped. He went after him. The two of them were LITERALLY rolling around on the bottom of the cage fighting. Of course, when this happened, Sparky went to the front door of the cage and stared at me until I opened it. Once I did, she took off and flew back to her cage. She wanted no part of that. Once JJ and Jim realized she had left, they stopped fighting. JJ sat in the corner of the cage for a while and Jim went right back to chirping. The problem was over, time to move on and sing.

The fighting I described just now was not common. It was the only time it happened. For the most part, Jim just accepted that JJ was the boss. The swing belonged to JJ. If JJ wanted a particular toy that Jim was playing with, Jim would let him have it. But, he still seemed happy.

Unfortunately, JJ ended up getting sick and he died. We feared for Jim’s health at this point, but he lasted a few more years. Without JJ there, the one thing I noticed first about Jim wasn’t a loneliness, but how his patterns of behavior didn’t change. When he was on his swing, he would still stand off to the side. If there were other spots that he was almost forced into staying in because JJ made it that way, Jim would still go to those spots. It took him a very long time to realize he was allowed to do things differently. He was able to break his programming a little bit.

So, what is the whole point of me writing about a parakeet? It’s not just for nostalgia reasons. While I do like talking about my birds and how much I like them, this particular story is one I relate to a bit. Jim being forced into a way of doing things, being programmed to feel secondary, and not always being able to do anything about is pretty similar to my own story. I’ve often spoken of my programming and I’ll be getting more and more into that in upcoming entries, I’m sure. But, there’s more to it than that.

Jim’s been gone for almost 20 years, but there’s lessons to be learned from him. He showed that IT IS POSSIBLE to break bad programming. He showed IT IS POSSIBLE to move on from adversity. And maybe most importantly, he showed that it is possible to just enjoy yourself, even if things may not be that good at the time. I need to follow his example. But, I do have to say that in all honesty, I don’t know if I’m capable of being as happy as Jim was in life. I don’t know if anyone is, but if I can get to just half of the level of happiness and half of the carefree attitude that he had, I’ll be in a very good place.

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Jim (on the left) and JJ in 1989.

 

 

A Channel for the Pain.

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Despite what people may think if they’ve read a few of my entries, I don’t actually like writing about depression. I would really like to have happier topics to write about, and sometimes I’ll sneak an upbeat blog entry in. But, the majority of what I write on here does deal with depression and anxiety. As I’ve said a few times, I’ve been programmed to doubt myself. I’ve been programmed to not like myself. Some people have said I shouldn’t think about it so much, but I’ve realized that the only way I can uncover more layers of my issues is to think about and to discuss it.

This entry though, while it will touch upon some of my issues isn’t really about me. It’s about anyone else that has some form of mental illness and needs an outlet. I feel that as much as I need to vent sometimes, others probably need it a lot more. So, bare with me in this entry as I attempt to discuss a pretty serious topic that, unfortunately I’ve touched on before.

I don’t claim to have the answers. Sometimes, I don’t even know what the questions are. That’s part of my daily struggle. I have no doubt that part of my anxiety is caused by wanting answers to my problems. I may not have answers, and I may have a lot of uncertainty, but there is one thing I am certain of, and that’s simply that I have to keep going.

Very recently, someone that I didn’t know, but some of my friends did know, decided he couldn’t keep going. He made a choice to end his life. I am very sad over this. I’m not just sad for my friends, but I’m also sad because (it seems) that depression claimed another one.

I don’t know the details of what was wrong with him or what lead to his decision. From what I’ve learned about the situation, nobody had any real indication of anything being so severe that this could have happened. I don’t know if it knowing anything in advance would make it any less painful for his friends and family.

The story I’m telling here is one of the reasons I write these entries. It’s my therapy. It’s my outlet. It’s my venting. It’s my way of helping myself. It’s my way of letting people know me. It’s my way of letting people know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s my way of letting people know that it’s okay to not be okay.

I know that very often I repeat themes in my blog entries, but that’s because sometimes themes in my life repeat. I try to learn from them, and sometimes that means I have to revisit them. Sometimes, it’s not even by choice that I revisit them, but I do it. Regardless of that, I deal with it. I do what I need to do to get from one day to the next. No matter how sad, melancholy, downtrodden, lonely, or flat out depressed I get, I keep going. I have to. I know that.

Too many people feel they can’t keep going. I feel for them. I grieve for them. I wish I could have helped them. I wish someone could have helped them. I wish they could have helped themselves.

About this time last year, a friend of mine told me about a time she wanted to hurt herself. She said she may have wanted to take it to an unfortunate and ultimate end. She assured me she was okay by the time she had told me about it, but was still a bit down. I told her that she and I would go out for coffee and she would talk, I would listen. And that’s what we did. She’s in a much better place in life now, so she tells me. She also recently told me that she had passed a full year without any self harm. I congratulated her on that and she thanked me for being supportive and for playing a role in her recovery. I know I’m not THE reason she’s better off now, but I know I played a small part in it and I’m proud of that and I’m proud of her.

People need to be able to speak about their problems. Keeping them inside leads to more pain. That growing pain may manifest itself in life altering decisions. Those decisions may have irreversible consequences.

THAT is why I write these. THAT is why I reach out to people. And THAT is why I will continue to write about this topic when I feel I need to. I want to know that I’m okay. I want to know it’s okay if I’m not okay. I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay. And we all need to know that one day things might be okay.

Tonight I’m Trying and I See All Dread in Me.

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A few weeks ago, I almost had a bad day. Actually, I just thought I was going to have a bad day. Because of those thoughts, I ended up having a bad day. Absolutely nothing really went wrong during that day. In fact, I had resolved a few issues early in the day and things were looking good. But, one thought planted in my head caused me to have an overwhelming feeling of dread.

That type of thing is not abnormal for me. The reality is, I expect bad things to happen. And I definitely expect them to happen if I’ve been having a string of good things happen for a while. Unfortunately, when I start thinking bad things are going to happen, my depression kicks in. Yes, the thought of bad things happening to me makes me depressed and that causes my anxiety to act up, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes I’m depressed because I think I’m going to be depressed.

I’ve spoken of my programming and my default settings. I’ve been programmed to think I don’t deserve good things. I’ve been programmed to believe bad things are going to happen to me. I’ve been programmed to think I’m beneath other people. I’ve been programmed to feel inadequate. I’ve been programmed to believe my interests, thoughts, and aspirations are childish, silly, or stupid. Any time I start to think things contrary to my programming, it confuses me and I often revert back to the default setting.

As I said at the beginning of this entry, sometimes I know there’s a depression episode coming and once the knowledge of it comes to me, it’s basically the trigger for me to shut down emotionally, feel sick to my stomach, or whatever my body does at that time during the episode. There are times when I can fight it off, but I almost feel that’s putting off the inevitable or even living in denial. There’s times when I welcome the emotional shut down. It’s almost an “okay, bring it on, let’s get this over with” type of feeling. Although, I don’t know how long it’s going to last. One day? Two days? One week? One month? I never know.

When I started typing this, I wasn’t feeling too bad. But, as I get more and more into it, I started to feel some anxiety. I think it’s a good thing, in this case. It means emotions are bubbling up to the surface. That’s why I write these. That’s why I’ll talk to anyone willing to listen. That’s why I will continue to do whatever I know will be helpful to me. Keeping this to myself just makes it worse. There’s no “light at the end of the tunnel” if I keep it to myself. In fact, keeping to myself makes me feel like the tunnel is never ending and possibly caving in on me.

These entries may sometimes seem repetitious. I know that I touch on the same topics that I’ve touched on before. But, that’s because I have to. It’s because the issues still exist. The symptoms still exist. I don’t talk about it just to talk about it. I don’t talk about it for attention. I certainly don’t talk about it for pity. I’m not a martyr. I’m someone that lives WITH depression and anxiety. I’m not someone that lives FOR depression and anxiety.

I’ve said a few times that I think I’m just scratching the surface with some of my issues. Over the last few months, I’ve read a book and listened to a podcast from a particular person. So many things he’s said about his own depression and anxiety, his family, his relationships, and his worries in general hit home hard with me. The issues are so similar. And that’s reminds me of something I’ve said multiple times in these entries, I’m NOT alone. There are others going through similar issues. I’ve reached out to a few friends recently about some of these problems. Some of us even had a good laugh over the concept of being depressed due to anxiety caused by the fear of an oncoming depression. We laugh about it because we have to. We would probably completely lose our minds if we didn’t.

This entry right here, this is just another chapter in a story that’s ongoing. It’s another day in the life, although sometimes it’s multiple days. As I’ve said before, I’m not giving up. I’ll continue to deal with this, even if the thought of that fight makes me anxious, which causes me to get depressed, which causes more anxiety, which causes more depression…

Yes, the struggle is real. The dread I see and feel is real. But, my determination to keep going is as well.