Category Archives: Fear

To Weigh One’s Heart Against the Oncoming Dark.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Do I know when something bad is about to happen to me or do I just expect it? Have I been happy for too long? Was my happiness real? Was my happiness a delusion? These are questions I often deal with. And this isn’t necessarily about any one thing in particular.

I wanted to write this entry, which is almost a follow up to one I wrote just a few months back, because this is the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month, and also because the thoughts and worries described in that opening paragraph often show up, with no warning. But, instead of rehashing the exact same entry, I want to dig a little bit deeper into what it does to me when I feel a depression coming on. Especially if I fear it could be a big one.

The first and most prominent feeling is anxiety. I get so anxious and my focus drifts. I’ll feel completely empty inside, and I’m not talking about being hungry, that comes later. I’ll start to just feel afraid of everything around me. My heart will start racing, and that will make me more afraid.

At night, I won’t be able to sleep because I can’t shut my brain off. I’ll lay in bed in deafening silence. During the day, I’ll doze off because I hadn’t slept at night. But, that happens at times when I’m not supposed to be sleeping, like when I’m work or maybe when I’m driving. I’ll yawn a lot, and each time it feels like a breath taken during hyperventilation.

As I said earlier, my focus will drift. My attention span will vanish. If I’m listening to a podcast, I may have to rewind a certain portion two or three times because I won’t remember what they said just seconds later…
Ironically, it’s been about 15 minutes since I wrote that last sentence.
Anyway…

I’ll feel a need to talk to someone about my problems, but I’ll have the desire and instinct to shut down and and overwhelming urge to leave everything. I’ll want to go back to my bedroom, turn off the lights, and just sit there. I may have the TV on, but it may only be YouTube clips because there isn’t any way I would be able to watch anything longer than five minutes. If it’s the summer time, I’ll make sure the air conditioning is off. I’ll sit there in the uncomfortable heat and humidity because I’ll feel a need to suffer, because my brain tells me that I deserve it. I may have my phone off during this time to avoid anyone contacting me, even though I started off by saying I may have a need to talk to someone.

My instincts will be to quit things I’m involved in. I guess that if I have less to do or if I’m in involved with less things, it’ll somehow lessen my burdens and lessen the figurative weight holding me down. And once my mind is set to actually quit something, it does feel like a relief, unless I need to talk to someone about it, then I get very anxious about it.

I’ll want to do absolutely nothing. Every day tasks become a complete and sometimes overwhelming challenge. So much mental strength will be used us just to get out of bed, shower, and leave my house. Getting through a day at work, even if I’m enjoying what I do there, is still a challenge because I know whatever the problem is will still be there when work is done.

But while doing nothing I’ll wonder if doing nothing is actually hiding from my problems? Why am I not confronting them? Or is it just doing what I need to do at that time to deal with them? But, what exactly is it that I need to do about the problems? I don’t know the answers to these questions, and that makes it all worse.

Recent memories will start to feel distant while distant memories starting being prominent.

The emptiness I spoke of earlier will grow and grow until it’s a loneliness that can’t be subdued by talking to just anyone. It just lingers there until it goes away, but that could be hours, minutes, days, weeks…
It’s never consistent.

I could be in a situation where none of the blame lies with me, but my instinct is to feel guilty. I will accept blame for things that aren’t my doing. That weighs me down too.

I want you keep all of this mind right now when I say that all of the symptoms I’ve discussed so far are how I feel before the depression really kicks in.

If I’m truly going through a depressive episode, you can take everything I’ve talked about, multiply it a few times, add a total loss of appetite, the non-stop taste of bile in my mouth, and a constant fatigue. You’ll also notice that I may have no ability to communicate with you since I’ll lose focus during a conversation and forget what you’ve said, if I heard it at all. I’ll have the desire to find a corner, and sit in it, curled up in a ball. It’s a feeling similar to what people with claustrophobia feel, because it’s like everything is caving in on me, even if I’m in a wide open space. And the fact that I’m using so much mental and emotional strength to push away feelings, situations, and people during that time is exhausting.

I’ve done so much to avoid getting to that point. It’s been A LONG time since I’ve been there. I fight it off as much as I can, and it takes a lot out of me. I do what I can to distract myself from getting there. And sometimes, fighting it off can be such an arduous task. Sometimes, it just seems easier to let it happen and embrace the suffering than trying to fight it, but I don’t want to do that. I’ve been there and I don’t want to do back.

If I do get to that point, socializing is more difficult for me than it normally is. I will withdraw a bit, but if I have to be in a social setting, I’ll do my best, but what will that look like? I wrote something a while back that you can look at if you want to. That entry went into some of my social anxieties. If I remember correctly, the gathering I was about to attend around the time that I wrote that one had my so anxious and nervous that I actually lost track of where I was while I was driving there and made a few wrong turns, and it wasn’t intentional.

This entry is a bit more manic than others I’ve written. The thoughts aren’t nearly as fluid as I would normally like them to be, but I want it that way. I want anyone reading this to be able to see what my mind goes through during these times. I want to somehow convey the chaos that goes on in my mind.

I’ve read about mental illness and I know that not everyone experiences the same things. I know that how I handle, process, and deal with my depression may not work for others. I’m not even sure how well it works for me. But, for now, I have a sense of control of it. I’ve been through it enough times to know how to not let it get too far gone.

I don’t know how much control I have over certain aspects of my life and I certainly don’t know if I have that much control over my mind, but I can do my best to control how the two interact. There’s no choice in that matter. If things get bad for me, I will fight. I will get through it, and I will be wiser.

Maybe I’m not much wiser than I was a few minutes ago, but maybe you have a better understanding of what it’s like in my head at times. It can be a roller coaster with a lot more declines than inclines and getting out of there can be difficult.

Winston Churchill famously said “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” I’m not quite in a Hell now, but where ever I am, I’m still going.

Dim My Lights, One by One.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I remember who did it. I remember what they did. I remember where they did it. I remember when they did it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember it because it’s impacted my life. It’s impacted what I’ve become. It’s impacted and influenced how I feel about myself. It’s impacted why it’s not easy for me to trust. It’s impacted so much.

What is it that I’m talking about? I’m talking time I wore a nicer shirt and a sweater when I was in 4th grade and someone pointed at me and laughed. I’m talking about the time in 6th grade that I was scratching an itch on my nose and the girl in the seat next to me said I was picking my nose and from that day on she ALWAYS referred to me as “snot.” I remember when I went to school with braces and headgear and was mocked. I remember going back to my house almost in tears about it and being told there was no choice, I had to wear it and how scared that made me. I remember in my Jr. year of high school someone taped a sign on my back that said “rat boy” in reference to the overbite I had at the time. I remember the looks on the faces of everyone that pointed and laughed at me. I do remember ALL of it. I remember how scared and helpless I felt early in my freshman year of high school while walking back to my house and I was in the parking lot of FoodTown when a few kids took all of my money ($1.50) while one of them had his arm wrapped around my throat. I remember each and every person that played a part in that and how happy they seemed at the time.

There’s more events that I remember. And honestly, most of what I’ve just mentioned has NEVER been talked about. Not in writing and not verbally to anyone at all. I was bullied and picked on so much and so often in school that I felt that I deserved it. It was what was supposed to happen to me. Why else would it happen so often if it wasn’t something that was supposed to be? I remember being shoved into a door as I was tying to exit my eight grade social studies class. I apologized to the kid that shoved me, because I felt I was obviously in his way. That’s how bad it was. That’s how awful my I felt about myself.

Yes, I know that I’m talking about events that happened well over 20 years ago. Why am I talking about them now? Because they helped create me. These incidents, and how they made me feel then have played a drastic part in how I’ve felt every single day since then.

I stated that I didn’t talk about these things then. Why not? Because it would get worse if I did. A group of classmates harassed me in sixth grade. I told my mother. She told a teacher. He told the students. They got worse. I didn’t want it to be any worse than that.

Unfortunately, I usually couldn’t talk to my parents about it. My mom’s response was always to report it. I knew things would get worse for me if that happened, so I stopped telling her. My dad just doesn’t know how to handle situations like this and isn’t someone I could turn to. Also, my parents had their own ways of making me feel small. Honest, thoughtful, positive communication wasn’t something I was surrounded by. I know it’s a term used by some to mock others, and that annoys me to no end, but the truth of the matter is that I didn’t have a “safe space.” And in many ways, I still don’t. One day, I may explain this a little bit more, but now isn’t the time.

Think about what that does to someone. Think about what it does to someone in his (or her) formative years. Think about being afraid to go to school and not then not getting the help you need at home. Think about being afraid to report being hurt, physically or emotionally, because talking about it could make it worse. Think about how horrifying of an experience every day life was.

I spent much of my after school time in my room. My room was my sanctuary. I read comic books. I watched a lot of TV. I listened to the radio a lot. I did this all in my room, which was the same room that I was sent to as a punishment when I was younger. My sanctuary was also my prison. This was also a conflict for me.

Writing  all of this is making me very anxious. I wasn’t kidding when I said that I haven’t ever spoken about some of these things. But, recently I’ve read a few stories about bullying. I read stories from people that were talking about incidents from their own school days, by students and by teachers. I’ve read stories of adults possibly being bullied and how that may have triggered a full depression incident in someone. Those things that I read opened up some old memories and feelings in me. Some of the things I brought up here and things I hadn’t thought of in a very long time. But, here I am. I’m now in my 40s and I’m still feeling anxiety over things that happened when I was 14.

I’m sure that more will come to me after I publish this. I’m sure more memories will bubble up to the surface. This is not a matter of letting it go, or getting over it. I also don’t feel it’s as simple as forgive and forget. It’s not even as simple as just moving on. It’s trying to move forward, but with an anchor tied to my feet. Letting go of this baggage is not easy. I do my best to unpack it, little by little, but it’s a mighty arduous process. And honestly, I don’t know when more memories might get triggered. This one was simply started by me reading a few posts on Facebook.

I assure you that I wish none of this happened to me. I wish it didn’t happen to others. But, it did. And it still does. It shouldn’t. We, as a society, and as a culture need to do what we can to stop bullying, harassing, insulting, and abusing others. We need to be more understanding and caring to those that it happens to. I’m here to talk about it. I’m scarred, but I survived. Others like me didn’t survive. It was just too much for them.

We need to better. We need to be better for today’s youth. We need to be better for today’s children. We need to be better for each other. We just need to be better.

Running Twice as Fast to Stay in the Same Place.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Sometimes it seems that I have very little to show for all of the progress that I make in life. I could probably end this entry right there. I’ve made my point without having to elaborate. But, I don’t think that accomplishes anything. But then again, considering the theme of this entry, does it even matter?

Last year at this time, I was working multiple low paying jobs and barely getting by. Now, I’m working one higher paying job and doing better, but I haven’t been able to really get ahead. I won’t go back to the situation I was in last year. It helps that I literally can’t. One of the jobs I worked last year no longer exists. And I bring it up as a reminder to myself that I am actually in a better situation. Yet, it’s hard for me to believe it.

Excuse me for being vague in this next part, but there’s still some things I don’t publicly like talking about at least not in this forum. But trust me, there’s a lot of material here that will likely be talked about at another time.
I feel that I’ve made significant progress in fixing and cleaning things in my house, but they are usually undone, sometimes instantly. I like progress. To see the progress I make be undone is frustrating.
But, just like my house, it seems like there’s no fixing certain people in it. Of course, in order to be fixed/get help, you have to first admit there’s a problem. And I guess it doesn’t matter how many times the exact same issues are pointed out.

Maybe I fall into that category too. I KNOW I would be better off I wasn’t in this house, but it is 100% not financially possible for me to do anything about that. So, while I’m here I want it to be as pleasant, nice, neat, organized, and peaceful as possible. There’s very little support for me in that effort. It’s so devastatingly defeating to have to return to this every day.

Over the last few years I’ve started exercising a lot more than I used to. But, considering how little I used to exercise, anything would be more. But, in all seriousness, I was doing very well there. I was doing DDP Yoga every day, going to the gym a few times per week, and running outside regularly. The results were evident. I had lost weight. I was running my best 5K race times. Things were going well there. They WERE.
Now, I still do the workouts, but I’m not getting the results. The name of this entry is “Running Twice as Fast to Stay in the Same Place.” It’s figurative for most of this, but literal for this portion. I’ve gained weight and slowed down. I don’t see results. Unfortunately, it’s defeated me more than it’s motivated me.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is considered to be the definition of insanity. Maybe I’m insane. I know that things need to change. I don’t know how to change them. That’s another problem. What can I do in my life to produce different results? How can I make actual progress? What will it take?

Maybe I need to use my disorder and make order out of it. One of the symptoms of the type of depression I have is the need for routines. Some people are critical of that and think it’s bad to plan out things as much as I’ve been known to. Well, maybe I need to do just that. Maybe I need to make a plan and stick to it as much as I possibly can. Maybe I can get some more positive results that way. Maybe, just maybe I can take this alleged weakness and make it a strength. If it’s a negative trait of mine, I’m going to make it a positive.

Of course, this does present a problem for me. The more I plan things out, the more stressed out I will become if I don’t hit goals. The more I plans things out, the more anxiety I feel when I’m limited on time. But, I don’t know if there’s any other options for me right now. I think I have to go for it. 2017 is 25% over. I’m going to map out specific goals for the next 25% of the year. And I mean day by day plans. What workouts I’m going to do, what days I’ll go to the gym and what days I’ll just workout at my house. I’ll plan what days I’m going to run outside, weather permitting, of course. I’ll plan when I’m going to relax. I know that sounds weird, but it (sometimes) works for me. I need to start planning (healthier) meals too.

The bottom line is that I need a plan. If I don’t know where specifically where I want to go, how can I get there? There’s no turning back. I need to move forward. Progress must happen. If I have to get a little stressed to get the results I want, then maybe I have to get a little bit stressed. I’m going to revisit this entry in 3 months and I’m going to write a follow up to it. I truly hope that I have good things to say about it.

 

If My Life Wasn’t Funny, it Would Just Be True…

Posted by MaskedSanity on

“I have a mess in my head sometimes, and there’s something very satisfying about putting it into words. Certainly it’s not something that you’re in charge of, necessarily, but writing about it, putting it into your words, can be a very powerful experience.”

That quote has summed me up for a while. If you’re reading this and if you’ve read other blog entries of mine, you’ve seen it in action. I wish those words were mine. But, they’re not. They’re Carrie Fisher’s and this blog entry is dedicated to her.

Just about one year ago I wrote an entry criticizing people for being insensitive towards others mourning the death of celebrities. I published that entry on January 29, 2016. At that point, none of us knew how many more big name celebrities we would lose during the calendar year. I could go on and on about some of them; David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Abe Vigoda, Gary Shandling, Muhammad Ali, and Gene Wilder to name a few. They all had some kind of impact on me. At the very least, they entertained me and provided a distraction. They provided laughs. They provided excitement.

But the celebrity death from 2016 that hit me harder than the rest of them was definitely Carrie Fisher. Without question, she’s best known for her role of Princess Leia in the Star Wars saga. I saw the first Star Wars movie when I was six years old in 1982. I was IMMEDIATELY hooked on them. And it’s safe to say that Princess Leia/Carrie Fisher was more than likely my first celebrity crush. Well, it was her or Daisy Duke. But, I digress.

In addition to her role in the Star Wars films, she also had roles in two of my other favorite movies, the Blues Brothers and Under the Rainbow. Yes, I said Under the Rainbow is a favorite of mine. So what? But, the truth is that while I always liked her in the roles she played in those movies, it was the real life role she played that made her so important to me.

A few years ago I started to come to terms with my depression and I tried to understand it more. Carrie Fisher played a big role in that. She wrote an autobiography called “Wishful Drinking.” She also performed a stage version of that book which was recorded and broadcast on HBO. When I watched that show I saw someone that had been to Hell and back. She had battled depression, substance abuse, self-esteem issues, and so much more. And she was laughing about it. But, her laughter wasn’t brushing it off. It was dealing with it. She said “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true. And that is unacceptable.” Hearing that line made such a difference to me. I got it.

wishful_drinking_book

After watching that show on HBO, I read the book and got it even more. She inspired me to not hold anything back. She inspired me to be open about my issues. She taught me that it’s okay to be who I am. She taught me that it’s okay to laugh at my own disasters. She reinforced something that I needed to hear over and over again, and that is that I’m not alone.

“I’m very sane about how crazy I am” is another line of her’s that I understand. I have my problems. I am aware of most of them. I do my best to keep them in check and under control. I know where a good amount of them come from. I know what I need to do when they pop up. I don’t know if that line meant the same to her as it does to me, but I like it.

In Star Wars Carrie Fisher played a princess. That character was a hero to many. But, to me, the real life Carrie Fisher was just as much of a hero as the fictional character she portrayed on film, maybe even more so. She was able to rise out of the ashes of her own life, make light of her issues, and shed light on them for others. That takes strength and bravery. If I’m half as strong as she was, I’ll be okay.

I don’t know if this entry is doing her justice. I don’t know if my admiration for her is coming out as strongly as I had envisioned. Then again, that could just be my own self-doubt coming through. But you know what? None of that matters. Because it’s my life and if my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true…

and that is unacceptable.

quote-if-my-life-wasn-t-funny-it-would-just-be-true-and-that-is-unacceptable-carrie-fisher-37-72-70Carrie Fisher (10/ 21/1956 – 12/27/2016)

2016 Album of the Year

Posted by MaskedSanity on

005268543_500

1- Lacuna Coil – Delirium
2- Dark Tranquillity – Atoma
3- Opeth – Sorceress
4- Katatonia – the Fall of Hearts
5- Heaven Shall Burn – Wanderer
6- Garbage – Strange Little Birds
7- Those Poor Bastards – Sing it Ugly
8- Metallica – Hardwired… to Self-Destruct
9- Eric Clapton – I Still Do
10- Leonard Cohen – You Want it Darker

I’m genuinely proud that I’ve been able to announce my 2016 Album of the Year is going to Lacuna Coil’s Delirium. I have wanted to give this award to Lacuna Coil before, and I came close with 2012’s Dark Adrenaline , but they were just edged out by Katatonia’s Dead End Kings, and I mean JUST edged out.  I ranked Lacuna Coil’s 2014 album, Broken Crown Halo, at number 10. It was okay, but not great. When I first heard tracks on Delirium, I was taken aback a bit. I was surprised by the sound. With a slightly modified lineup, the album was louder, heavier, and more aggressive than Lacuna Coil had been in years. Their male singer, Andrea Ferro was performing growling death metal style vocals for the first time since their early demo tapes, while their female singer, Cristina Scabbia’s voice was hitting ranges I hadn’t heard before.

Not long after the album came out, I saw Lacuna Coil perform live. I got to see some of the new songs in person for the first time and was BLOWN AWAY. That’s when I realized that Delirium was really the Lacuna Coil album I’ve been waiting for. It just fits perfectly. While other bands, such as Paradise Lost, have also embraced their death metal beginnings , so has Lacuna Coil, and both bands have blended those sounds together flawlessly with what they had done in since those days. Again, this is the album I’ve waited for from them. And having been friendly with members of the band for a few years, I’m so proud to finally be able to say they’ve got my Album of the Year.

Tracks I recommend listening to from Delirium include “the House of Shame,” “You Love Me ‘Cause I Hate You,” “Blood, Tears, Dust,” “Ghost in the Mist,” and the title track “Delirium.” I also seriously recommend their cover of Madonna’s “Live to Tell.” But, if there’s one song on the album stands out to as unique, it’s “Take Me Home.” That one definitely threw me off at first, but easily stood out as a favorite quickly.

I’ve said this before, but bands in the “Gothenburg Sound” genre have all fallen by the wayside and have mostly become impossible to listen to. Except one:
Dark Tranquillity has not only not fallen by the wayside, they’ve remained consistent to what their sound is and put out album after album of quality music. Atoma is another example of a great album from them. Before the album came out, they flooded YouTube with new videos from the album. As I heard each one, I got more and more excited about the album. And, like Lacuna Coil, I got to see songs from this album performed live early on, and they fit perfectly into the show. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re one of the most fun bands I’ve ever seen live. I’ve said they’re the “Happiest Death Metal Band” ever. Go see them live and you’ll understand.

Songs that stand out to me from Atoma include the title track, “Encircled,” “Forward Momentum,” “the Pitiless,” and “Our Proof of Life.”

I’ve always liked the ride that Opeth albums took me on. Their brutal death metal sound and their more mellow approach during songs were often a roller coaster for me. When they started to downplay the death metal and then outright abandon it on their albums, I felt I didn’t go on that ride anymore, ot at the very least, it was a different ride. Sorceress is their third album without any death metal vocals on it, and I feel it’s the first one that successfully takes me on the ride I’ve wanted from them without that style of vocals. And they’ve pretty much said the same thing, this is the album that they’ve found where they want to be now. And also, like the new Lacuna Coil songs, I saw some of the new Opeth songs performed live and they fit right into the show. Opeth may be where I want them to be again.

Songs I recommend from Sorceress include the title track, “the Wilde Flowers,” “Will O the Wisp,” and “Strange Brew.”

In all of the years that I’ve been doing these lists, I’ve never ranked at Katatonia album lower than third. That is, until now. Katatonia’s the Fall of Hearts is my 4th Best Album of 2016. The album is very good. The songs that stand out are great songs. But, there’s a few factors in them being ranked at only 4. The first one is that the albums ahead of them are THAT good. The second is that while the songs that are good are very good, the other songs are not as good. I said that seeing Lacuna Coil, Dark Tranquillity, and Opeth perform some of their new songs live helped win me over if it was necessary. Katatonia hasn’t toured the United States for this album yet. I think it’s possible I would have thought more of this album if I had seen songs done live. 4th Best Album of the Year isn’t bad, by any means. But, for a band that I’ve given Album of the Year to in 2009 and 2012, I have certain expectations. They weren’t necessarily met here.

The songs that I feel are the real good ones from the Fall of Hearts include “Takeover,” “Serein,” “Sanction,” “Last Song Before the Fade,” “Decima,” and especially “Old Hearts Fall.” And if you get a chance to hear their cover of Judas Priest’s “Night Comes Down” I definitely suggest you do.

Not only had I forgotten about Heaven Shall Burn, I didn’t even know they had a new album out in 2016. I hadn’t heard anything new from them since 2008. I looked them upo one day and saw they had a new album called Wanderer. I saw the video for “Bring the War Home” and had to heard more. I ordered the album and when I got it, I heard some of the angrist, most agressive, brutal, and good new music I’ve heard in a long time. I got the special edition which had a second disc over cover songs. Some of the songs on that were some of my favorite songs from some of my favorite bands. I was completely won over. I’ve never seen Heaven Shall Burn play live. I had tickets to see them back in maybe 2008, but for various reasons, they canceled the show. Maybe one day I’ll tell that story in a blog.

If you feel the need to listen to some angry music, listen to “the Loss of Fury,” “Bring the War Home,” “Downshifter,” and “Save Me.” If you want to hear some interesting takes on Paradise Lost and Life of Agony songs, listen to the “True Belief” and “River Runs Red.”

I like Garbage. What can I say? Before you make any snide remarks, I’m talking about Garbage, the band. Strange Little Birds is the second album they’ve put out since they got back together in 2012 and it’s a solid record. It is definitely Garbage. And when I say that, it’s a good thing. The opening track is “Sometimes.” It reminds me a lot of their early b-sides and rare songs, which immediately made me excited to hear more. And from that song, the album goes right into “Empty,” which is a solid candidate for a “best of” album one day. Garbage is consistent. They’re Garbage. That’s what I like about them.

In addition to the songs I’ve mentioned, I really like “If I Lost You,” “Even Though Our Love is Doomed,” and “So We Can Stay Alive.”

Those Poor Bastards are a band with a unique sound. I don’t have many albums from their library, but the two that have come out since I’ve been listening to them have both been ranked in my Top 10. 2014’s Vicious Losers and now, 2016’s Sing it Ugly at number 7. I haven’t ever seen this band live, and without question, they’re at the top of my list of acts I would like to see. I find whatever I’ve heard from them to be unique and seriously different for a modern band.

“No Light,” “Unwanted,” “Headed Nowhere,” “Ten Ton Hammer,” and “Sorry for Everything” are the songs that I listen to the most from this record.

Sometimes I just want to hear a good straight-up Blues album. I don’t want fancy Blues with lots of bells and whistles. I feel that takes away from what I’m supposed to feel with the Blues. Eric Clapton has been guilty of putting out albums with bells and whistles, but in recent years he’s returned to the roots of the Blues. And his album, “I Still Do” is a good example of that and is my 8th Best Album of 2016. There is much more I can say to talk about with this album. It’s just a good Blues album, which should be a good enough description.

I like “Alabama Woman Blues,” “Spiral,” and “Cypress Grove” on this album as the standouts.

I am not the biggest Metallica fan and I probably never will be. But, I do like them. To be clear, I like them when they put out a good album. Their critics are right, they’ve put out some bad ones over the past 20 years. But, they seem to have found themselves again. The 9th Best Album of 2016 is Metallica’s Hardwired… to Self-Destruct. It sounds like Metallica. It doesn’t sound like Metallica trying to be Metallica again. It just sounds like Metallica. That probably makes sense to some of you.

“Hardwired,” “Moth into Flames,” and “ManUNkind” are my favorite tracks from this record.

The 10th Best Album and the last one on my list is Leonard Cohen’s You Want it Darker. Sadly, Mr. Cohen died right after this album was release. But, if you listen to it, he was aware his days were coming to an end. He’s always been very aware of depression and darkness, which was why I liked him. This album is a great farewell for him and from him. He went out well.

The title track, “Treaty,” “Steer Your Way,” and “If I Didn’t Have Your Love” are the songs I would play to someone to hear the best from this album.

Some albums that didn’t crack my Top 10, but were close include Let Me Get By from Tedeschi-Trucks Band, Dion’s New York is My Home, and Michael Kiwanuka’s Love & Hate.

Steven Wilson put out 4 1/2 in 2016 and it probably would have been ranked high, if it wasn’t just unreleased and re-done versions of some of his older songs. But, because it’s not necessarily new material, it wasn’t eligible.

Mike Patton joined a few other people as Nevermen and put out an album. Like much of what Patton does, I don’t know what to make of it. It’s good, but I don’t know how often I’ll ever think of a song from this album I need to hear.

And I have to make a note of David Bowie’s Blackstar. Like Leonard Cohen, Bowie knew he was dying and released one last album, which happened to come out two days before his death. I don’t know how much attention this album would have received if it wasn’t for the sad circumstances. There’s a few songs on it that I really like, but I just couldn’t rank it. Die-hard Bowie fans may feel differently, and I respect that, but it just didn’t do it for me.

2016 was a pretty good year for new music. My Top 5 albums could all have been #1 in other years. I don’t know of many new albums coming out in 2017, but I’m looking forward to a new one from Clutch. I also can’t wait to hear what the new Life of Agony album, which should be very interesting. I’m also very anxious to hear Anneke Van Giersbergen’s new band, VUUR. We’ll see how these all rank next year.

A note about eligibility for my 2016 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States street date in 2016
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist)
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material

The Weakness of Hope Is the Strength of Decline.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Have I achieved anything? Am I an underachiever? Am I an overachiever? I think the answer to all of those questions depends on someone’s perception of me. I would give my own answer on those questions, but I just don’t know what the answer is.

Most of the times in my life that I have actually achieved any level of success, I was surprised to have gotten there. Does that mean I’ve overachieved? Very often, I had someone telling me “you’re better than that.” Does that mean I underachieved? The voices that told me how I wasn’t doing well enough dominated the formation of my esteem. It’s made it very difficult for me to feel pride in something I’ve done because I’m not sure if it is ever good enough, or even good at all.

If you take what I  just talked about and combine it with other aspects of my depression and anxieties, I’m sometimes amazed that I can even get out of bed in the morning. I have such difficulties in starting tasks sometimes. Is it because I’m afraid to fail? Am I afraid to lose? But, if I believe I’m constantly not living up to my potential, that should mean I’m used to failure and losing, right? And since failure isn’t a good feeling, maybe I just don’t want to feel it again. So if I don’t bother to try something, I can’t actually fail at it, right?

Over the past few years I have personally made significant improvements in my house. However, I’ve watched those improvements go unnoticed, unappreciated, and in many cases, undone. This pattern has made me reluctant to do any more in the house, despite my incredible desire to fix things here because of how incredibly unhappy I am here. Some people would suggest that if I’m so unhappy where I live, I should go someplace else. But that’s not financially possible. And that’s a subject I could go on and on about, and I’ve touched upon it before. But, like the household issue, every time I make financial progress, something happens and my progress goes away.

I ran seven 5k races in 2016. I’ve used my November blog in 2014 and 2015 to talk about them. I’m not going to give a full recap blog this year. My results were very mixed this year. I didn’t set any new records for myself. In fact, in all of the races I ran, I only improved upon one race vs. the year before, and that was by .33 seconds. Many of the results were some of my slower finishes. They were ALL under 30 minutes, which has always been one my goals. And while one race was my 2nd quickest finish and I kept saying that I did the best I could each time, I still have doubts that I didn’t underachieve this year. And I also wonder if I was defeated by my own doubts before the races even began, and that may be why I skipped one race at the end. I didn’t have confidence that I could do it in under 30 minutes.

The race scenario is just one example that I thought of because it’s a recent thing. Quitting isn’t something I do often. Once I am committed to something, I’m actually committed to it. But that’s really because I’m afraid to let someone down. The voices in my head often weigh the options, loudly. Big decisions don’t come easy to me, and because of my fear of consequences, even the smallest of decisions can become big decisions for me. Quitting isn’t the issue. Starting is.

It’s difficult for me to confront someone with issues I have. Even if I know without any shadow of a doubt that I’m right. Some people can make me feel wrong even in those situations. I don’t have the confidence in myself to do anything about it or to even make my case. Why is that? Am I afraid to offend someone? Have I been conditioned that being right isn’t good? Am I afraid that if I point out someone else’s mistake that it somehow poorly reflects on me?

Nature vs. nurture? Product of my environment? They’re both accurate with me. At 40 years old, is there still hope for me? Some would say there is. Others would say I should have figured this stuff out years ago. And that’s just it. Whoever would say those things to me may not even be around anymore, but I still hear them. My own belief is that it is good that I’m aware of these issues. That may be why I have this internal struggle, because I’m fighting my own programming and trying to make positive changes. Yes, it’s an uphill battle with lots of obstacles, but I have to keep trying, even if the voices tell me otherwise.

 

It Must Sound Too Far Fetched, but You Can Bet Your Bottom Dollar I Ain’t Going like the Rest.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I’m 40 years old. I’ve spent much of my adult life struggling with my esteem, my self worth, and my financial worth. I keep trying to crawl up to be above the Poverty Line. I’ve also spent a great deal of my life being told how awful the place I lived was. I was told how bad my house is. I was told how my interests and beliefs don’t matter. I was taught to believe I would never amount to anything. I was taught to believe the place I lived was no good. I was taught not to like my surroundings. I was taught to believe there isn’t any hope. And much of these teachings came from inside my own house.

I’m one person. I’m only one person. I’m one person that’s been in a holding pattern in life. Sometimes I say I’m rebuilding. Sometimes I just think I’m building. But, I’m just one person. I’m one person that has the same opportunity as everyone else in the United States of America has. I’m one person that has the same chances and the same rights as everyone else has, right? In theory, yes, but in practice?

Imagine the story I just told about myself from a different perspective. Imagine you came from a family in a much more economically challenged area than I live in. Imagine you came from a family of people that weren’t granted equal rights as everyone else until 50 years ago. Imagine, while you were able to go to school and get a job like everyone else, you weren’t paid the same. Now imagine that it’s now illegal for you to not have the same opportunities as everyone else, but you’ve been behind the curve for so long that it’s more difficult to catch up. Now imagine just after you’ve been granted these opportunities, the economic system in the country you live in drastically changes and doesn’t seem to help out the people on the bottom and in the middle as much as it does the people at top. And imagine you’re told by the people in your community that there’s no hope and the people outside your community always look down upon you and let you know it. Just imagine how frustrated and angry you may be?

As I said, I’m just one person. Imagine it’s an entire race, or ethnicity, of people. It’s not hard to imagine, because it’s what’s been happening for years. I know people will read this and immediately start talking about how there’s welfare and other social safety net solutions to help the poor communities, but do you know what would help them a lot more? A reversal of fortune due to a reversal of economic policies currently in place designed to help very few.

When discussing something with a former co-worker, I mentioned towns like Paterson, Newark, and Camden. They’re all in New Jersey and they’re all predominantly minority in demographics. They’re all crime ridden areas. And they were all once thriving areas. When I said something about those towns being bad areas, the reply was “what do they all have in common?” Yes, the implication was they’re all bad because they’re minorities. Well, how about they’re all bad areas because society has left them behind. They’re bad areas because for 35 years, this country has catered to the rich and has left the poor behind. In a cause/effect scenario, they’re not the initial cause. The places they live and the conditions they live in are the effect.

In 1981, the “Trickle Down Economic” plan was put into place. It lowered taxes on the wealthy and raised taxes on the middle class (multiple times). The idea was if the rich had more money, they would create more businesses. More businesses would mean more jobs. More jobs would mean more people would make more money. More money would boost a somewhat stagnant economy. It’s been 35 years. The trickle never happened. The rich got richer. The poor got poorer. And the hopes of many people, communities, and cities diminished.

I have been working multiple jobs for a few years now. I have been spending more money in that time period than I had since I used credit cards. I’ve also been saving money. Of course, I have almost no free time now. Just imagine if I was able to make the amount of money I make per week, working one job, and only 40 hours. And imagine if everyone else had the same opportunity. We would have a thriving economy. It’s a simple concept.

And before anyone states that if I had better jobs or a better education, let me state that I have worked full-time jobs for over 20 years. I’m currently working multiple part-time jobs due to circumstances beyond my control. But while working full-time jobs, I was still under the poverty line. 32-40 hours per week and needing a second job just to be able to afford enough enough gas in my car to get to the grocery store to buy enough food to last until my next paycheck, but I’m just one person. I don’t have children or anyone else relying on my income. I’m just one person.

I’m just one person that has read a lot about history and politics. I’ve read enough to know that after all of the social programs that were put into place in the 1930s by President Franklin Roosevelt after the Great Depression, our country thrived. People had jobs. They had protections in place to make sure they had job security. People earned enough money working one 40 hour per week job that it wasn’t necessary for two parents to work in one household. In many cases, the father worked and the mother stayed home with the kids. That simple trait isn’t an option for most people now.

Our country’s infrastructure was built in the 1940s and 1950s. Our Interstate Highway system was constructed and paid for by tax dollars and tolls. The country’s highways and bridges have fallen into disrepair over the past few years as less and less tax dollars have come in.

Is it a coincidence that we don’t see as many “one bread winner” households now? Is it a coincidence that our roads look the way they do now? No, it’s not. The Trickle didn’t happen. And it never will.

Our inner cities are failing. The people in those places are not to blame. Many of the people in those cities have never been given the chances that their somewhat recently acquired rights have granted them. Those cities don’t have tax revenue. They don’t have anything in place to keep them going.

I admit this entry is a bit disjointed. But, I’m trying to cram in as much as I can into as short of an entry as I can because I actually want people to read it. With more time to commit to the entry, I could probably load it with quotes, statistics, and other researched facts. But, as I’ve said a few times, I’m just one person.  I’m one person that has read a lot about social and economic issues. And I’m one person whose voice has often been silenced.But I’m one person that based on skin tone, many of you think has had a better chance than people that look differently than me. To some degree, I have had more chances, but that doesn’t mean the system is set up to be in my favor. The chances granted to me often come from how I look and who I know. It’s not necessarily due to anything else.

I’m just one person. But, I’m one person that knows how the system is played. I’m one person that knows the game needs to change. I’m one person that has a voice, even if it’s only really heard here, and only by a handful of people.

Change is needed. And change often starts with just one person.

Sophistry and Chicanery.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I had been thinking of writing about this particular topic for a while. I’ve actually been writing down ideas and concepts for it for a few weeks. And then luckily for me, an event happened in the news and it made my idea even more timely and relevant.

A few days ago, a player for the San Francisco 49ers, Colin Kaepernick chose to not stand up for the National Anthem out of protest. The outrage displayed towards him on social media sites and on talk radio is exactly as expected. People are saying he’s a disgrace. They’re saying he’s unpatriotic. They’re saying he’s un-American. They’re also saying he doesn’t respect his freedoms and liberties given to him by being an American. I think the people saying that are missing the point. The point is the freedoms given to him by being an American allow him to protest the National Anthem by not standing up for it. And let’s be honest about it, in a country that allows such freedoms, standing for an anthem is not a mandatory thing to do.

Before you go off and crucify me for writing the above paragraph, please keep reading this entry. If you feel the need to call me names afterwards, go ahead, but try to let some of my points make an impact first.

I really believe that we, as a society, put too much emphasis on symbolism and certain ideologies. Since this is a Presidential election year, we’re getting a lot of that. The Republicans and Democrats held their respective conventions last month to name their nominee for the Presidency. The Republicans chanted “USA” more than the Democrats and waved more American flags than the Democrats, or so it’s been reported. Does that make the Republicans like America more than the Democrats? Does that mean that Republicans are more patriotic?

Simply put, NO. It doesn’t. It’s just the narrative created about it.

As a (mostly) independent voter, I don’t look at who waves flags or who sings “God Bless America” louder than the other person. I don’t really care who has a bigger flag. And that’s really what it’s come down to, who has the bigger flag. I look at who has the ideas, concepts, plans, and the platform to put into place a system that will benefit me and the American people the best. Who speaks about loving the country more than the opposition is not relevant.

To me, the flag is just a symbol. The Pledge of Allegiance, which I have recited thousands of times, is just a symbol. Standing for the National Anthem is just a symbolic gesture. If I chose not to say the Pledge or to not stand, it doesn’t mean I care about America less than someone that sings the Anthem at the top of their lungs.

I study history and I study politics. I see how divided of a nation we are. Personally, I think we’re as divided on many issues as we’ve ever been, notwithstanding, that whole Civil War thing in the 1860s.

Colin Kaepernick is being chastised for his stance…
pun intended.
He’s been mocked. He’s being insulted. The narrative about his story is now how unpatriotic he is. Why aren’t enough people looking at the cause he was trying to bring attention to. Kaepernick said he didn’t stand because “I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”

The narrative has become about him. It hasn’t become even remotely close to what he was speaking about.

And of course, some people are also saying that somehow his actions have also turned into a show of disrespect to people in the United States Military and police. Again, I don’t see it that way. It’s possible to agree with his opinion and support military and police. They don’t have to be different issues.

I’m getting a little too drawn into this particular issue here. To me, the issue is still symbolism and false narratives. I believe words such as “patriotic,” “freedom,” and “liberty” have almost been taken hostage by politicians and pundits to be used against people that have differing views. My views are not the same as everyone’s. I’m glad they’re not. I like dissent. This country was founded on dissent. This blog entry’s title was taken from a quote by one of our Founding Fathers, John Adams, and nobody was better at dissent than he was. Adams knew about division and symbolic gestures. But, he also knew that actions and doing things that were unpopular could promote, or create, a greater good.

Just as simply as I got pulled into the narrative here about Colin Kaepernick, we as a country often get pulled into narratives that distract from the real story. The real story should be what he is protesting. The issues he’s attempting to draw attention to are more important than people getting upset with him. He shouldn’t be THE story. To be completely honest, I didn’t even know what team he was on or what position he played until the headlines about him, and I also don’t care about what his profession is. I don’t care how much money he makes. I certainly didn’t know about his bi-racial upbringing. That shouldn’t be held against him or used to somehow discredit what he’s saying. Those facts are not relevant or important. What is truly important is what he was attempting to draw attention to. Do you see how easily we get distracted here?

And that leads me to my next point. Again, as we tend to get distracted and angered by the narratives created by media and social networks, we really do fail to think about the real issues. Many times these narratives are purposely created to get us angered. They’re there to make us upset with the other side. They’re there to distract us and to make us dislike people and things with opposing views. We need to stop this from happening. When Election Day comes in a few months, we need to vote with our heads, not our hearts. We need to be educated on the real issues, not the made up ones. Our decision to choose one candidate over another needs to be done with a lot of thought and research into the issues that are truly important.

I’m not going to use this entry to try to persuade anyone to vote any particular way. Unfortunately, I believe many people’s minds have been made up, especially in regards to this year’s Presidential election. I’m hoping this entry persuades people to look at issues differently. I’m hoping people will see that what Colin Kaepernick did is NOT unpatriotic, it’s actually THE MOST patriotic act possibly under the United States Constitution. I’m hoping that people realize that there’s many more important things than symbolism. There’s more important things than just flags and songs. Very simply, the most important thing here are facts, not symbols.

And since the title of this entry is taken from John Adams and I’m saying that facts matter, I’ll end it with a quote from President Adams. I believe it’s an important one that we need to really listen to. He was a wise man that relied on facts for judgment, not popular opinion. We need to follow that example.

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”

 

Pat Yourself on the Back and Give Yourself a Handshake, ‘Cause Everything is Not Yet Lost.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I don’t enjoy being depressed. I really don’t. But, as I attempt to find a bright side to my struggle with depression, it’s that I find being depressed helps my creativity. Some of my better blog entries have come at some of my lowest points. That brings to me to a unique problem that I’m dealing with right now.

I’ve committed myself to writing at least one blog per month. It’s now the end of July and I haven’t published anything yet. July was a pretty busy month for me. Between my full time job and my part time job, I worked a lot. I also had a pretty big and positive change in my social life as well. So, due to all of those reasons, I haven’t had much time to sit down and write anything. But, there’s also another reason I haven’t written an entry yet this month, and it’s a big one…

I just don’t know what to write about. Yes, I have a case of writer’s block. If that’s the consequences of being in a good mood, I guess I’ll just have to accept it. I’ve never liked settling for anything, but I’ll gladly settle here.

Throughout the month, I’ve had a few concepts for blog entries. Some of which had me digging deep into some family issues. Some of them had me getting somewhat political. Some of them had me getting into some history issues. Some were a combination of all three. Yes, I’m capable of doing that. Trust me.

Although, I do have to confess that not everything is good. As of yesterday, I no longer have a full time job. The company I worked for has gone out of business. I worked there until the very end and was literally one of the last employees left in the building. I enjoyed my time at that job, but now it’s gone and with it goes my health benefits. But, I’ve been here before and I’ve risen out of it. The other times I’ve lost jobs were less expected and left me a bit more bitter. But, due to having a part time job, in which I can get more hours, I’m not particularly concerned about income at the moment.

The positive attitude I’ve had recently is not what I’m used to. It’s not what I would usually say is “my normal.” It’s different for me. And very often, when I feel this way, I also have a feeling of impending doom. This time, I don’t have it. I don’t want it. I’m glad it’s not there. It could come back, I’m not naive to that. And no, me saying that isn’t me having the usual dread. It’s just a reality.

My depression and life experiences have shown me that usually when things are going well for me, something bad is coming. It’s the feeling of dread I often have. As of this moment, I don’t have that. I’m quite aware that I don’t have it. And it doesn’t confuse me. To some of you, this paragraph may seem weird. I’m writing about the usual dread I have when in a good mood for an extended time and how I’m not confused by the my enjoyment of it. I’ll be honest, it’s not something I’m completely used to, but I’m just going with it.

Even with the employment issues I’m about to face, my biggest problem with this past month is really this blog entry. I’m bothered that I have so little to say. I guess  I know what some of my goals for August are:
– look for work
– run more often and attempt to lose 10 pounds
– write (at least) one really good and in depth blog entry

I think all three of those goals are attainable. There’s varying levels of difficulty with them, but I still think I can handle it. Wow, I’m still sounding optimistic. It’s definitely not what I’m used to. But, I kind of like it.

For Every Dream That is Left Behind Me, I Take A Bow.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I always get very reflective during this time of year. Well, more than usual, that is. My birthday is July 3rd, and that means it’s time for me to look back on a year of life and think about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. However, this year is a little bit different. I’m turning 40 on this year’s July 3rd. Yes, my countdown to 40 years of age is now at just 3 days to go (as of when this is being published).

A few days ago, I looked back at a copy of the blog I wrote for my 30th birthday. I had a different, less serious writing style then. From reading that particular entry, I can’t get a good gauge of what I was feeling at that time, but I think that was the point of what I wrote and how I wrote it then. A lot has changed for me over the past 10 years, but then again, a lot has remained the same. I don’t know if the part that hasn’t changed is good or bad.

One thing is for certain, I have a much better perspective of what’s important in life. The past 10 years have seen me deal with significant loss, emotional lows, financial turmoil, loss of jobs, and relationship issues. I’ve documented basically all of them in my entries here, and there’s links there if you want to read more.
The past 10 years have also given me some emotional highs, (a bit more) financial freedom than I’m used to, new jobs, and new relationships. It all goes back to the balance I’ve spoken of a few times. But, it’s also about my perspective on things.

It’s very easy for me to look at where I am at 40 and think I’m not “where I’m supposed to be.” I never thought at this age I would still be living in the same house that I grew up in. I never thought I wouldn’t be married. I never thought I would be struggling paycheck to paycheck as I have. But, that’s where I am. And while it does get to me sometimes that I’m not further along, I also know that I could have it A LOT worse. Trust me, there’s some struggles and strife being in this house, and that’s a topic for a few entries, but at a later time. I do have enough perspective to know that it’s not all bad.

I started my 30s with an overbearing amount of credit card debt. I eliminated that over 3 years ago. Not having that burden weighing me down is an incredible feeling. However, as I’ve stated, I am struggling financially. I am currently a full time employee at a company that won’t exist much longer, while also working part time jobs on the side, just to survive. I have a bit of uncertainty with my current employment situation. I felt much more secure there 10 years ago. I was paid better and had job security, but all of my money was going towards my debt. Now, I’m paid less, have no job security, but no debt. Balance?

In some ways, I’ve given up on the dream of finding that one job that is THE ONE for me, if that makes sense. I am more concerned about being comfortable enough at a job, while not being complacent. I am concerned about that job providing enough for me to live comfortably, and hopefully with health benefits. My priorities have definitely switched. But, don’t get me wrong, if I were in a position to make a little less to do something that I absolutely loved doing, I probably would.

Getting back to what I said about my writing style from 10 years ago, it was definitely different. I would say what I had to say, but it was mostly incredibly vague. I wasn’t able to really express myself. In some cases, I wasn’t really allowed to. And, I was definitely not comfortable enough to do so. I had so much built up inside of me, but it never came out. It just stayed there until it faded into nothingness. This itself is a possible future topic.

One thing I am definitely aware of from when I turned 30 was where my health and weight was. I gained a lot of weight at this time 10 years ago. I had gone up to 230 pounds and was just basically not really active. It was during that summer that I first joined a gym, changed some of my eating habits, and hoped to get healthier. Here I am 10 years later, and I’m in the best shape of my life. I workout daily, I run a few times per week, and I’ve participated in twenty 5k races (as of this writing). I don’t see that changing.

The simple fact that I have pride in some of my accomplishments over the last few years is a big change from where I was 10 years ago. Hell, it’s a change from where I was 5 years ago. The fact that I can write these entries as openly as I do is a big thing for me. I would never have been able to do this a few years ago. But, I realize how important it is for me to have an outlet. There were things in my way. Some were just mental blocks, some were bigger than that. Some of those obstacles are not here anymore and it’s good to be able to express myself. To be completely honest, sometimes I even surprise myself in these entries with my ability to open up.

A few years ago, a friend read a particular blog entry I made and he told me he wanted to sit down and talk to me about some things from it. He’s a few years older than I am, and told me how much his life started to improve at age 40. Here, I am just days away from that milestone and even with a big bit of uncertainty about some aspects of my life, I’m starting to believe him a bit. I’ve noticed recently in situations where my defaults would kick in, they haven’t. My fears have not kicked in. My confidence is higher than I’m used to. But, even with all of that said, and even with all of the losses I’ve had in the past 10 (and even 40) years, I’m more optimistic than I’ve been on a long time. So maybe my friend was right. I’ll let you know in a few years.