Category Archives: Isolation

If You See Me at the Bottom, Please Bring Me My Running Shoes.

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As much as running the five 5k races I took part in during 2014 was good for me, I never hit one of my goals, and that was to be under 29 minutes. I came close. My fastest time was 29:12.9. But one thing I learned during those races is that is 12.9 seconds can be a long time.

Early in 2015 I decided I was going to run more races. The first one I signed up for took place on April 18th. It was a new race for me, and I knew it would be a bit challenging. It had a lot of inclines and a few hills. And just a few days before the race, I started taking antibiotics for a mild sinus infection. It was a also a bit chilly that morning, but I was dressed for it. What I remember the most about this race was how when I made the final turn and headed toward the finish line, it seemed so far away. It was probably 3 or 4 blocks away, but it seemed like miles. I finished this race in 29:36.2. I was still over 29 minutes, but I was also faster than the last one I did in 2014 and I was satisfied knowing I was right about where I had been after not running for a race for 5 months.

About one month later, I did my second 5k of the year. I always drive the path in my car a few days before the race to get a feel for the path if I had not run the race before. This one seemed like it could be challenging for me. The morning of the race was hot and humid. It was not a nice day for a run. I didn’t get off to a good start. I felt like I didn’t have much in me. When I got to the 1st mile marker I looked to see the time and noticed they didn’t have a clock there. They also didn’t have one at the 2nd mile marker. So, I really had no idea how I was doing. When I got near the 3rd mile, I really didn’t have confidence in how I did. But when I saw the time at the finish, I was shocked. I completed this race in 28:46.4. I was under 29 minutes. To be honest, I really didn’t believe it. I thought something was wrong, so the joy I should have felt for setting a new record for myself wasn’t there.

A few weeks later was my next race. This one was also one with a lot of inclines and hills. Luckily for me, for every incline there was an equal decline. I felt a little more confident in myself than I did previously in the year. I crossed the finish line at 28:48.51. Only about 2 seconds slower than my previous race. Normally I would be bothered by being slower by such a small margin, but instead I felt that my record time had now been validated. I was definitely an under 29 minute finisher.

Only 13 days later, on June 20th, I competed in my 4th race of the year. This would be the last one that was new for me. It was described as a “fast and flat” course and from my practice drive, it seemed to be. I knew I was doing well from the start. I felt good. But I had no idea just how well I was really doing until near the end. I use the same playlist of songs for every race I’ve ever run and I’ve crossed the finish line to Lacuna Coil’s “Daylight Dancer” every single time. When I got to the 3rd mile, “Daylight Dancer” was just starting. I’m usually well into the song at this point in the race. When I saw the time at the finish line, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. My finish time was 27:51.86. I set a new record for myself by almost a full minute. I was now under 28 minutes!

After that race I didn’t play on doing any more over the summer. But after finishing so well, I was afraid I would lose momentum. But, I did end up taking the summer off from actual races. That’s not to say I didn’t put in my fair share of practice, but I didn’t do anything official.

My next race was on September 5th. It was my hometown’s race and it would be the 4th time I was competing in it. Being that I had done this race before, my minimum expectation for it was to at the very least, be quicker than I had been in it previously. I had some other goals for the race, which on race day actually changed to include being quicker than a specific person I saw running it as well. Much like the 6/20 race almost 3 months earlier, “Daylight Dancer” started as I was approaching the 3 mile mark. When I was close enough to see the time at the finish line, I gave it everything I had and crossed the line at 27:50.6. By 1.2 seconds I had set another new record for myself and not only that, I beat last year’s time by about 95 seconds. I accomplished every goal I set out to accomplish in this race. Yes, every goal. I did end up having a quicker race than the person I mentioned.

The rest of the races I competed in for the year were also all repeats for me. The next one I did was 3 weeks later and I finished in 28:01.8. I didn’t set a new record, but I did it in about 75 quicker than the year before. No complaints at all.

For my race on October 10th, I was very determined to redeem myself after a setback on this course from the year before. When I did the race in 2014, it was raining, there was a stretch of unpaved road in which I was not comfortable running, and at one point my shoelace came untied. I finished the race 4 seconds away from a record. As I said, I was determined to redeem myself. However, since I had beaten that time in six races since then, I didn’t know what redemption was at this point. I got off to a very quick start. I believe my first mile was my quickest to date. I knew I was doing very well. Somewhere around the 2.5 mile mark, I checked the GPS on my phone to see my progress. I didn’t clip the phone on well enough and I dropped it. I had to stop and pick it up. A few minutes later, “Daylight Dancer” started playing and the finish line was in sight. I saw the time and started thinking that the phone mishap would cost me a chance at a record and my quest for redemption would be ruined. However, I made it across the finish line at 27:49.9. 7/10 of a second quicker than my previous record. My redemption had been achieved.

Two weeks later I did another fast and flat course. This was the one that I had set my record on last year. I did it in 29:12.9. As was the case with the previous repeat races, my minimum goal was to beat last year’s time. By the time race day had arrived, I really felt like doing the race was a chore. I didn’t really feel up to actually doing it. But, I did it. And I got off to a good start. I felt strong throughout, despite it being a bit chillier than I like when I run. Somewhere around the 2.5 mile mark, I started to think I was really doing well, but I didn’t quite know how well yet. When I got the 3rd mile marker, “Daylight Dancer” was not on yet. Garbage’s “Push It” was still playing, and it was just ending when I crossed the finish line. I crossed at 27:07.8. Again, I set a new record by almost 50 seconds. I really couldn’t believe how well I did. And on top of it, I did the race over 2 full minutes quicker than the year before. That’s some improvement!

The final race I did this year was also the final race I did last year. In 2014, I finished it in 29:40.4. It was my slowest finish of the year out of five races, but if I wanted to put a positive spin on it, I was my 5th best finish, out of the seven races I had done up to that point. Much like last year, I had trouble breaking out of the pack at the beginning. This races starts on a narrow road and has a lot of kids in it. They tend to stay bunched up. Regardless of those factors, and the cold weather, I felt pretty good. I did hear the beginning of “Daylight Dancer” this time, so I knew a record setting race wasn’t happening. I finished at 27:57.7. Like last year, it was my 5th quickest finish of the year, but this time it was 5th of 9 races. And like last year, this course ended up being my 5th quickest finish yet.

As I stated in my blog entry about my races from last year, my issues with depression are well documented. Sometimes, I find it hard to be motivated enough to get anything done. But these races are good for me. I set goals and I accomplish them. Sometimes, I surprise myself with how well I do. That’s why I do this. And that’s why I’ll do it again in 2016. I ended last year wanting to be under 29 minutes. I was 12.9 seconds away. I ended 2015 just 7.8 seconds away from 27 minutes. It looks like my goal for 2016 is clear.

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The racing shoes have taken a beating and are being retired from actual competition. The number in the middle was my ID for my record shattering race in October.

 

Bleach the Imperfections, Plating Them in Gold.

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About a week or so ago, a coworker asked me “How do you do it? How is it you say you’re depressed, yet you’re smiling so much and you seem happy?” I told him that I usually try to follow the lyrics to an Allman Brothers Band song and “leave my blues at home.” I also told him that sometimes the lyrics to an Arch Enemy song, “behind the smile, I feel nothing” is where I am. But, overall, I’m not in a bad place right now. Well, let me re-word that. I’ve been much worse. Where I am now certainly isn’t great.

I committed myself to writing at least one blog entry per month in 2015. If you’ll notice, many of my entries are later in the month, as I’ve never been too good with deadlines. The majority of what I write about deals with my ongoing struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably some other forms of mental illness that I haven’t even fully identified yet. Part of the reason this particular entry is so late in the month is really due to an issue of writer’s block that I’m dealing with. And it’s not that I don’t have something to say, it’s mostly due to me not feeling too bad lately.

I’ve documented my struggles with money. I’ve taken some steps to make that a little bit better, and so far it’s working. Part-time jobs on top of my full-time job are helping me out. Actually, I’ve recently accepted and left a job that I felt wasn’t working out for me. It’s nice to have a few options there for myself and so far, as I’ve said, it’s working.

I’ve also even seen an upswing in my social life lately. There’s actually hope where there didn’t seem to be. Of course, it’s not my nature to have too much hope in any circumstance. Naturally, I have my doubts, worries, and fears about all of this. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.

This entry is absolutely not what I imagined writing. It’s so far from the way I started it too. It had a different title and a different name. The original draft had a much darker tone to it. There’s things that I was going to write about that didn’t fit with my current mood. And I probably will write about them at some point soon, but I’ll want to put significant thought into them before I do that.

It’s probably not a good thing that I fully expect my good mood to change at any time. I expect whatever good things I’m doing to crumble. I expect everything around me to fall back into the full despair I’m used to. There’s significant precedent for that. And you know what, it very well may happen that way, but for the time being, I’m going to do my best to enjoy the ride.

This Thought is All I Have to Trust Upon When Light is Gone.

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In an entry I wrote a while back I discussed having feelings of shame and fear that I’ve had for much of my life. I mentioned how I was “programmed” to have those feelings. But, where did that programming come from? There’s definitely been different sources of that programming, but in reality, a lot of it came directly from my parents. And, as I said a few times, this is not a “woe is me” post, this is me understanding things.

It basically goes back to the very beginning. Almost one year to the day after I was born, my parents and I moved to where I live now. And all I ever heard from my mother about where we lived was how much she disliked being here. She never wanted to be here and always talked about how much she wanted to leave. The part about her wanting to leave is actually more complicated than just her dislike of where she lived, but that’s for another time. The point I’m trying to make here is that I never once heard her say anything good about the town or state we lived in. I was programmed to dislike it and that lead to me being ashamed of it.

The upkeep of my house was neglected for years. My mom did various cleaning jobs during the week, but overall maintenance wasn’t done. Walls were dirty, paint is chipped, there’s cracks, not to mention dust and dirt. I kept hearing about how disgusting the house is and nobody should be allowed to be here. The result of that, I didn’t have many guests in my house. I was programmed to not like my house and programmed to be ashamed to have guests.

I know what you’re thinking about that last paragraph. Why didn’t I do more around the house to help keep up appearances? Well, there’s a story for that too. I can clearly remember many times as I child wanting to help with things. Even if it was helping to bring groceries into the house. Often I was told “you can help by getting out of the way” or something like “you can help by leaving.” That did a lot for my esteem. It programmed me to not get involved and to not know how to help, or even really offer any help.

As a child, I developed interests in Professional Wrestling, Star Wars, GI Joe, and a few other things that people start liking at a young age. And many of these interests stayed with me. Occasionally, my parents would take my sister and I to a wrestling event, but like most things my parents did with us,we did them a few times, and then we just didn’t do them again. Of course, I was also told my interest in these things was silly because those things were stupid or childish. Those comments didn’t stop. I was programmed to believe things I liked were not good, therefore I became ashamed of what I liked.

I never knew my parents to get along too well. Seeing them do things together was rare and it actually confused me. Let me make it very clear that them not getting along was mostly them doing all they could to avoid each other while living under the same roof. When they were in the same room, it would usually be an argument, or at least snide remarks back and forth. Holidays were always fun, especially with the two of them having different beliefs. Of course, neither of them practiced any beliefs or anything religious. The only times I ever heard anything religious discussed in the house was when they were arguing about it, mostly how the other one was wrong. What I’ve described in this paragraph programmed various negative traits in me. And believe me, their relationship is something that I could write multiple entries on. I’m sure it will come up again.

My dad does not express emotions. If I went to him with an issue I had with him, I would usually get a blank stare, a response that didn’t really suit the problem, or some of the most shrink worthy avoidance anyone has ever seen. If I went to my mom with an issue I had with her, I would usually be told that I was wrong, or that whatever my issue was simply didn’t matter. If I tell my dad that things he says bother me or offend me somehow, he’ll just keep doing it. I know there’s not a malicious thing there, it’s just that there’s no point to discussing things like that with him, even if the concept is to improve (or at least create) the relationship. If I went to my mom and told her that things she said or did bothered or offended me, she would either tell me I was wrong, or that she’s been holding back her true feelings on it and was “tired of walking on egg shells” around me. So how was I programmed here? I was programmed that it’s probably better to not discuss my feelings because if I do, I’m probably wrong anyway.

My bedroom was my sanctuary, but like it is for many children, it’s also the place you’re sent to when you’re being punished. You know, the old “go to your room” thing. Think of the dichotomy there. My safe place is my punishment place. How did this program me? Did it make me have contradictory feelings about same thing? Or did it just program me to be confused about this as I am as I’m writing it?

I feel that writing all of this is important for me. I’ve often felt that I’m just starting to scratch the surface of what my issues are and where they came from. What’s been said here is me talking about what’s bubbled up a little bit. But here’s the thing about this entry that I believe is the most important part about any of this. For all the people out there that may read this story or something similar from someone else and just brush it off with a “you’re 39 years old, get over it” attitude, let me tell you that I think this IS me getting over it, or at least me getting through it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “over it.” But, I believe in order to achieve healing, I must first achieve understanding of what caused the issues to begin with. That way I can attempt to figure out how to deal with them in a positive way, especially since I still have to confront many of the causes on a daily basis.

All of these entries are about me getting better, they’re about me healing, and they’re about me moving forward. But, I believe I need to know not just where I’ve been, but I how I got there. Once I figure all of that out, I could be free to change the programming and go someplace better than where I’ve been stuck for so long, and finally be without so much fear and shame.

Through Cracks and Wounds Our Pain Reflected in a Thousand Mirrors

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The frustration I feel is growing. My burdens stay with me. I’ve been walking around with a blank expression on my face lately. And recently, my desire to go into a corner or a dark room and cry has been my stronger than any other desire. My depression fueled laziness is prominent again.

I want to make it very clear that the paragraph above are not the words of someone that is giving up. They are the words of someone that is acknowledging that there is a problem, that is dealing with it, and that is trying to make things better, but seeing such little progress. It’s very defeating and I don’t know what to do about it.

The biggest culprit that’s impacting me is my finances, or lack thereof. I wrote an entry about this a few months ago. It hasn’t gotten any better. I have applied for jobs. I have gone on a few interviews. I’ve advanced in the interview process, but as of the time I’m writing this, nothing has changed. I still have my one low paying full-time job that keeps me under the poverty line.

I work full-time and can’t afford things I need. I can’t afford new shoes, new clothes, new glasses, and I certainly don’t have enough money to fix/repair my 16 year old car, let alone replace it. The car runs, but for how long? Basically, I work so I can afford to put gas into the car so I can get to and from work. And oh yeah, I can go to a supermarket on the way back from work and get the minimal amount of food I’ll need until the next paycheck, with as many coupons as possible. And at that supermarket, I have to make decisions, such as “can I afford olives for a salad, or is that too much of a luxury for me this week?”

My social life? What social life? I go out once or maybe twice per paycheck, if at all, and in (too) many cases, my friends pick up the tab for me since I can’t afford it. While I appreciate that, it bothers me to be in that position.
In all seriousness, I have turned down a date recently because I couldn’t afford to go. That’s where I am now. My finances are contributing to my loneliness. It’s not good.

I don’t want to hear any garbage from people saying that I need to learn a particular skill or trade to make a lot of money. I have 20 years of retail experience, and I’ve been a supervisor and manager. I don’t feel entitled to anything, but I know that I should be making more now. At some points, my salary was over $4 more per hour than it is now. For various reasons, I’ve had to switch jobs over the past few years and my salary has DECREASED each time. There’s a problem with the economic system we have now. I spend a decent a mount of my abundant free time reading about it. And while I like the education I get from the articles and books, it angers and depresses me more. I could spend A LOT of time getting into this particular topic, but I haven’t gotten too political in these entries.

Of course, if I get a second job, I’ll have more money to do things. However, I won’t have any time to do the things that I will then be able to afford.

I don’t want to live like this. Although, I could definitely make the argument that I’m not “living” like this, I’m merely surviving. My issues have once again began to weigh me down. I feel burdened and empty. I continue to push and push. I continue to do things that are supposed to make my situation better and not one of them has come to fruition. The frustration of the failures keeps growing.

I’ve gone out with friends recently. I have a good time in the moment, but the simple fact that I’m out with someone and probably spending some money is a burden in my mind. I can’t help but focus on that. The sad thing is, them offering to have me at their house and offering food and drinks makes me feel like I’m the burden, which adds to my mental burdens, which then makes me feel bad and not enjoy myself as much as I should.

Very often, I feel like my life is happening with me on the outside looking in. I actually had a dream last night in which a large group of my friends (and some former friends) were hanging out together. Where was I? I was watching them from the other side of a mesh fence. Literally, on the outside looking in. I don’t even know if this is relevant to this entry, but I think it’s a good indication of what I’m feeling now about my life in general. This could be a blog topic by itself, and maybe it will be.

Yeah, I know, there’s a lot of things going on inside me. Many of the issues are cyclical ones, and getting out of the cycle is challenging. Don’t you think that I would if I could? There isn’t a magic fix for anything. Well, there’s always a lottery victory, but I can’t afford to buy tickets.

The feelings of rejection, defeat, loss, loneliness, and even sometimes hopelessness that I feel are strong. I would to replace all of them with feelings of acceptance, victory, gains, fulfillment, and hope. My struggle is real. My struggle is strong. I just need to be stronger than it is.

I Dare Not Break the Circuit.

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It’s been documented in these entries that I analyze my life a little bit more than usual when July starts. It’s not just the half way point of the year, but it’s when my birthday happens. And my birthday is in just two days (as I’m writing this). And that means there are only 368 days until my 40th birthday. 40…
Despite some people telling me how great life after 40 can be, it seems like a pretty frightening number for me. At least, for now. And let me assure you that I am grateful that next year is a leap year. I get an extra day before the big 4 0.

In my last entry, I mentioned how “the hand that was dealt to me in life” hasn’t really been a good one. There’s always some obstacle in my way. And it seems that whenever I get past one, another one appears. In some cases, an old one comes back. But, whatever it is, it’s in the way of my progress.

I deal with depression, anxiety, and stress. I think the key word there is “deal.” I do deal with it. I don’t ignore it. I don’t hide from it. It is a big part of who I am. As long as I can keep it under control, I’m doing okay.

My financial situation is so far behind where it should be at my age. Hell, it’s behind where it should have been ten years ago. But, unfortunately, I’m not a Time Lord. I cannot change what’s done. And actually, if I was a Time Lord, I would be discouraged from changing things, so that wouldn’t matter anyway. But, as I’ve stated before, I spent my 20s creating my debt and I spent most of my 30s paying it off. Now, at (just about) 39 years old, I have no debt, but I make less money than I have since the late 1990s.

I have an associates degree. I have 20 years of retail experience. The words “supervisor” and “manager” are in my resume, but I have no luck with job or career advancement. I cannot afford to go to school and the thought of getting into debt to do so terrifies me. I send out job applications and hear nothing back. And the companies that do contact me are not ones I would want to work for. It’s a tiring game.

My social life has suffered a bit due to my financial issues. There’s no doubt that my depression, stress, and anxiety are also tied in to those situations as well. I’ve dealt with it for a long time. But, it’s time to make something change.

It’s actually well past me WANTING to change something. It’s a NEED. I NEED things to be different. I NEED to be on a path to success. I NEED to get past the obstacles in my way. This blog is something that can help me do that. Often when I feel I’ve identified an issue that needs to be addressed, I write about it here. I will continue to do that. It’s good for me.

I know I’m better than this. It’s ironic that I just said that. I used to get very upset if anyone said to me. I would always interpret it as them saying “you’re not good enough where you are.” But, that’s my “normal.”

I’ve broken some of the bad habits I’ve had, but I need to break more of them. I need to have more productive habits that produce positive results. I need the results to match the effort I think I’ve put into myself. Because, while the “hand I’ve been dealt in life” may not be good, and maybe I can’t change the game, it may be time for me to shuffle the deck a bit.

For Absent Friends

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This entry is one I’ve been wanting to write for a while. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out since I feel a bit scatterbrained lately. There’s just a lot of things on my mind, and some of them could come out in this entry. But the main thing that I’ve felt lately is just like I’ve been abandoned. But, how can someone that sometimes isolates himself also feel abandoned?  How can someone that knows he’s not alone feel so completely by himself? I guess if I had the answers to these questions I wouldn’t be writing this particular entry, would I?

According to one particular social network, I have almost 200 friends. I actually do know a vast majority of those people. Yet, even with all of those friends, I feel abandoned. But, this feeling is bigger than that. It’s not just about friends or family, I feel abandoned by society, by life, and even by progress. It’s not a good feeling. Maybe I should elaborate on that, but I just don’t know how to properly word it at this time.

I’ve noticed that it’s common for what I write not to make sense to some people. Sometimes when I read it back, it doesn’t make sense to me. But, it’s my hope that anyone that reads this and doesn’t fully understand what I’m talking about gains a slight better understanding of me and how my mind works. And the people that do understand this, well, we’re in this together. Or, then again, maybe we’re not. I guess that’s the theme of this one.

I know that people will read this. I also know that some people will reach out to me and say encouraging words. And I genuinely do appreciate that. Unfortunately, I don’t know how much it will change.

And that brings me to my next point. When I know that a friend of mine is going through a rough time, I will reach out. I will ask if they’re okay. I will check in somewhat regularly. I am very protective of people I care about. I want to make sure they know that someone is there. These are the people that need to know they’re not alone. They need to know they haven’t been abandoned. They need to know someone cares, even if it’s just a casual friend like me.

As you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering why I can help others and not myself. I wonder the same thing. That seems to be a common issue with people with depressive disorders. I recognize the pain others are going through because I go through it too. Not long ago a friend told me that she completely understood a particular issue I had because she felt it too. I told her that I was glad that she did, so we could talk about it, but I also wish she didn’t understand. That would mean she wouldn’t feel the same pain. That’s one of the few parts of this entry that actually makes sense to me.

When I was in grade school, I remember specific times when I got picked on. A few times I spoke up and told a teacher. Some of those times, instead of getting help from the teacher, I was accused of just wanting attention. Well, uh…yeah. I was trying to draw attention to a problem. I wasn’t the problem.

A particular guidance counselor told me to my face that I was lazy and not good enough to be in a particular class that I wanted to be in. I’ve already discussed the lazy thing. I think that’s open to interpretation at this point, but regardless, this was a guidance counselor. It’s someone of authority and someone of perceived power within the school that is supposed to help me in a time of need, not belittle me.

I am well aware that the issues I just discussed happened in the 1980s and they were “a long time ago.” But they’re still quite relevant. They helped contribute to my inability to ask for help. I know there’s many more episodes in my life that helped that along, and as always I feel like I’m just starting to scratch the surface of the real issues, but I’ve noticed that a lot of the “little things” from childhood really do add up. And if you think those incidents don’t contribute to feelings of abandonment, I disagree. I really do believe that emotional mole hills can become emotional mountains.

This entry isn’t nearly as fluid as I would like it to be, but as I’ve been working on it, a lot of things have popped into my mind and I’ve been distracted by some things. It’s the whole scratching the surface thing that I mentioned. Part of the reason this is skipping around so much is also that I know I’ll be writing another blog entry within the next week or so. Of course, by not saying so much here I’m definitely leaving this entry thinking it’s not good enough, but that’s par for the course. And so what, even if I’ve been abandoned by cohesive thoughts, the fact that I’m getting any of these thoughts out there is still a good thing.

Anyway, back to the point at hand, if there is one…
I remember a conversation with someone a while back in which it was said that I am dealing with the “hand that’s been dealt to me.” Well, maybe that’s true. And I am dealing with it. Part of dealing with it is writing something like this. Sometimes I feel it’s all I can do. And I’ll touch on that a little bit in my next entry. I want to close this on a somewhat positive note, and that’s while I feel abandoned by so much, the one thing I haven’t completely abandoned myself is hope.

It’s These Words and Music that Keeps Me Living, Keeps Me Breathing.

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In some of my previous entries I’ve discussed my desire to get out and do more, but how there’s some thing or some force holding me back. I’ve discussed my financial situation and it’s not what I would like it to be. I’ve also had a few entries discussing how much certain bands and my experiences at their shows have given me and what that means to me. This particular entry has a nice mix of all of those topics.

The first three weeks of May, 2015 were some of the most memorable, worthwhile, and expensive weeks I’ve had in a very long time. In all seriousness, I spent almost every last cent I had, which to be honest, wasn’t much to begin with. But, I had been putting money aside for this specific cause. I attended multiple concerts in May and each one of them gave so much back to me as far my own personal health goes.

My month quite literally started out with back to back shows from Life of Agony on May 1st and 2nd in their hometown of Brooklyn, NY. As my depression has really taken hold of me over the last few years, Life of Agony’s 1993 masterpiece debut album, River Runs Red, has begun to mean so much more to me. Any time I see Life of Agony, I feel like I’m a part of something. I feel like everyone there is forgetting their problems and uniting to let all of their frustrations out in a positive way. In particular the song “Underground,” which is pretty much about that particular topic. I was privileged and lucky enough to be able to watch the 2nd show from the side of the stage and even got to sing a little bit of “Underground” on the stage with friends. I really don’t know if I can put into words how much a moment like that really meant to me.

There were bands I liked as a pre-teen and into my early teens, but none of them grabbed me quite like Faith No More did the first time I ever heard one of their songs. They were immediately my favorite group, and remain in that spot many years later. They just released their first album in 18 years and are currently on tour for it. I was lucky enough to get a ticket to each of their two (very quickly) sold out shows at Webster Hall in New York City. To say that these shows were flawless is accurate. I’ve spoken to enough people that attended one, or both, of the shows and we’re all in agreement that they were just amazing.

A few days after Faith No More, I ran another 5k race and I set a new personal best time for myself at 28:46.4. That’s almost 30 seconds better than my previous record. Later that night I treated myself to a Moonspell concert in New York City. I hadn’t seen Moonspell perform since 2006 and it was fun to see them again.

Next on my concert going agenda was the one and only Clutch. I’ve seen them over 30 times and I’ve seen them play some interesting and different venues. But on May 19th, I got to see them perform in New York City’s Central Park. Yes, it was as cool of an experience as it sounds like it was. The temperature was just right, it was a nice day, and they performed one of the better sets I’ve seen them do in a very long time. Just like everything else from this month, I could not have asked for more.

I ended my month of concerts by going to Baltimore, Maryland for the first night of the Maryland Deathfest. Death Metal supergroup, Bloodbath played their first ever (official) show in America and I couldn’t miss it. If you’re not familiar with Bloodbath, it’s made up of members of Katatonia, Opeth, and their new singer is the singer of Paradise Lost. And if you know what I listen to, you know why I couldn’t miss seeing this. I didn’t know what to expect as far as their set list went, since there was a new singer I didn’t know how deep into their catalog they would go. I did have hopes of three particular songs being played, and all three were. I’ll say that just like Faith No More, and other than dealing with crowd surfers on top of me too often during the set, this show was also flawless. And, as a bonus, I got to have an exclusive beer made just for the event. Of course, it was called Deathfest Ale.

The month of May for me wasn’t just about the music, although music was foundation of the month. It was also very much about friends. While some people did attend multiple shows with me, I had different people with me almost every time. I feel that some of those friendships became stronger. Also, at these shows I reconnected with someone I hadn’t seen in a few years and now we’re talking pretty regularly. And in Baltimore, I even had the pleasure of seeing a friend that I had not seen in about 19 years. I couldn’t possibly ask for more. If you were a part of these shows with me, I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of these great events that meant something good to me.

However, as all good things must come to an end, my three weeks of “Epic Pure Rock Fury on the Other Side of the River, with a Bloodbath at the End” did come to an end. Thank you for indulging my cheesy line there. A few days after it ended, so did my emotional high from the shows and I started sinking back to my usual feelings. Another reality set in quickly. I am really close to being completely out of money until my next paycheck.

As usual, I don’t think this entry is nearly as good as it could be. But this time, I’m just accepting that and saying it’s because I’m honestly having such a difficult time putting into words how much I did enjoy myself for that three week span. So maybe since I’m having trouble with MY words, I’ll use a few lines from Clutch’s song “Earth Rocker” to sum it up nicely:

“So don’t look to me for answers, because I don’t got-a-one.
I just came to have a good time, and I’m gonna have one.

Yeah, I’ve lost many battles, and even more days.
But if I had to do it over, I would do it just the same!”

Decay of Fortune and Might

Posted by MaskedSanity on

There is nothing that has been a more consistent element in my depression and anxiety in my life more than financial worries. A lack of financial success has contributed to my stress, my lack of a social life, and in some ways my lack of what could be considered progress in life.

In Spring of 1999 I applied for and was given my first credit card. It had a $200 spending limit. I would use it when I needed to and I always paid it off. Then I got another card with a bigger limit. Then I got another one and another and another and another. It kept going. I kept using the credit I had available to me. I had a MasterCard, Discover Card, American Express, more than one Visa, and a few store specific cards. By January, 2010 my credit card debt was close to $40,000.

I had to do something about my debt. I had looked into bankruptcy as an option. I had looked into debt settlement agencies, only to read about how it could actually negatively impact my credit rating. However, I didn’t really need to worry about the settlement issues because it’s not legal in my state. But that didn’t stop the person on the other end of the phone from suggesting I set up an address in another state. Sounds like a reasonable organization, right? But, I’m getting off track…

I did get in touch with a debt counselling service based on someone’s recommendation. They told me what they could do for me and what the conditions were. It was pretty clear. They negotiated with all of my credit card companies and got my interest rates lowered to reasonable amounts. All of my accounts were closed or suspended. I had to pay off whatever I owed, there was no forgiveness. And by no means was I permitted to use a credit card during while I still owed anything. I accepted the terms and got on my path to financial freedom.

Less than one year later I lost my job. I was able to collect unemployment, but my income was not what it used to be. I decided to make a drastic move and I cashed out my 401k. I put all of it towards my debt and made a significant impact on it. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. My 401k was for my future, and you’re right. But with that debt hanging over me, I had no future. I needed it gone. The 401k did not finish the job, but it made it manageable again. I was able to lower my monthly payments and get by with what I was collecting.

Over the course of the next year or so I sold some stocks that I had invested in and put them towards my debt as well, and also I did end up with another job. It paid me less than my previous one, but it was a job. I filed my taxes in early February, 2013 and saw the amount that I was going to be refunded. It was more than I owed. The day that money was in my account, I called the debt agency and let them know I wanted to make an extra payment. When I was asked how much the payment would be, I replied “every last cent I owe.” That was the best phone call I had ever made. They let me know that I would not see the results IMMEDIATELY, but within a few weeks everything would be settled. I checked my account on their website daily. Sometimes I looked at it multiple times in a day.

On the morning of March 12, 2013 I was at my gym. In between sets I used my phone to look up my account. It said “DEBT FREE.” I sat there for a few seconds before it sunk it, and I wept. The burden was gone. I could finally say that I owed NOTHING. I went back to my house and took a picture of ALL of my credit cards, since I had saved them. I then shredded ALL OF THEM and took a picture of them afterwards. I posted those pictures online, because well…
isn’t that how we all announce good news?

It’s now been two years to the day since I’ve been debt free. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I don’t have much money to my name at all. I live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck. I have a new job that actually pays me less than I’ve been paid since I started with the credit cards to being with. Very often I am completely struggling to get by. I’ve learned the importance of coupons and rewards cards.

But here’s the big difference in my financial burden now and my burden from a few years ago. If I can’t afford something, I don’t do it. That’s a good thing. The bad thing is how much I’ve feel I’ve missed out on due not being able to afford it. However, the flip side to that is how much more I appreciate anything and everything that I am capable of doing.

Of course, while I do have the appreciation, I still have the sometimes overwhelming feeling of hopelessness since I’ve not been able to get ahead at all. Don’t think I’m not putting forth an effort. It’s just not easy.

I recently read an excellent book called “Hand to Mouth: Living in Bootstrap America” by Linda Tirado. Yes, that’s where I got the “hand to mouth” line that I used. The book about her struggles with fiances, depression (due to finances and not due to finances), stigma of being poor and depressed, and just coping with all of it really got to me. It showed me that I AM NOT ALONE. That’s something I’ve tried to convey to people struggling with life’s issues. They’re not alone and sometimes I need to be reminded of that myself.. And reading about her problems gave me some comfort. Not that I am glad she struggled, or that anyone is going through similar issues, but I still got comfort knowing that there’s others like me.

I seriously recommend that book to anyone with financial struggles. And I also recommend that people read the original article that got her noticed, which I will link to HERE.

In summary, I spent most of my 20s building my debt and burying myself under it. I spent most of my 30s paying it off and climbing out of the hole. But here I am, two years removed from credit card debt and still way under the poverty line and still very close to being completely broke. If I want to look at the bright side of it, I’ve never been in a better financial position in life. I can also say that there’s never been a better time for me to be broke, because I have no debt. But looking at the bright side can only get me so far. Looking at my bank statements brings me back down to reality in a flash.

But like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m still fighting. Because like any other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I can’t give up. Because like every other struggle I deal with on a daily basis, I’m determined to come out better.

Under a Veil of Stars Where the Darkness Grows

Posted by MaskedSanity on

A coworker recently asked me how I can be depressed. I was told that I’m a good looking guy that’s funny and I seem to enjoy what I’m doing. Well, that’s just the thing, isn’t it? What’s on the surface may not be what’s inside. A lot of people with depression issues hide them. Sometimes they hide them intentionally, sometimes it’s just a need, and sometimes it’s due to feelings of shame, which I’ve discussed before.

I’ve also realized that I’ve been guilty of thinking that way at times. Even with my depression and my awareness of it, I still fall into that trap. A few months back when a friend sent me a text about some of her issues, my first thought was “but she’s so pretty and so much fun, how can she be depressed?” I was actually pretty annoyed with myself for that, but it’s how we’ve been conditioned to think about it. Not everyone with depression is the dark, brooding, pale skinned, gothic looking person that is the stereotypical model of depression. Did Robin Williams seem like that to you?

This past November, Wayne Brady spoke about his battles with depression. Again, on the surface (and on television) he comes off a funny, happy, full of life person, but inside he’s suffering. He stated:

“Having a bad day is one thing, having a bad week is another, having a bad life … You don’t want to move, you can’t move in the darkness. You’re like, ‘I am just going to sit right here and I want to wallow in this. As much as it hurts, I am going to sit right here because this is what I deserve. This is what I deserve, so I am going to sit here because I am that horrible of a person.’”

He said he DESERVES to suffer. How can anyone believe that about themselves? Wayne Brady is a television star. He has money and fame, yet he feels he deserves to suffer. He feels that he’s a horrible person. How can that be? How does that make sense? It makes perfect sense to me, because I feel the same way at times. I feel that I NEED to suffer. I feel that I AM SUPPOSED to suffer.

You would not know any of this about Wayne Brady if you watched him hosting Let’s Make a Deal or appearing on Whose Line is it Anyway? He always appears full of life and he’s so much fun, right? The friend that texted me appeared that way to me too. Apparently, I appear that way to some coworkers. Robin Williams appeared that way on stage. But we all share a pain that really can’t be understood by someone that doesn’t go through it as well. I can tell you that I feel empty inside. And maybe you can relate to a time when you lost something you felt strongly about. Maybe you can relate to the time you didn’t win a game. That feeling wasn’t good. I feel that way MOST of the time, except worse.

It’s because of my awareness that not only do I try not to be judgmental about people’s issues, but I know I can’t be. The last thing that someone that is suffering and feels they need to be suffering wants to hear is someone being critical or dismissive of their problems. That is why I’ve been known to reach out to friends if I see something they’ve posted online that seems like something that may be going through. That is why I am so quick to offer help to them and let them know that I’m always willing to listen to them if they need to talk. I also know it’s very possible they may never take me up on that offer, because I know how difficult it can be to talk about these things at times, especially if you’re trying to keep up the appearance of someone that has it together. But regardless, I want them to know that SOMEBODY cares. Sometimes when I reach out I’ll simply let them know they’re not alone. Sometimes I’ll try to find an appropriate joke to go with the situation. But more than anything, I try to be as understanding as possible. That may mean that I don’t say anything, I just listen, and by doing that I’m being more helpful that a lot of other people would be.

At Life’s Four-Way Stop

Posted by MaskedSanity on

It’s that time again, it’s the end of the year. It’s time for me to ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Two years ago I said yes, last year I wasn’t sure. This year I don’t think I am. I have way too many questions, not enough answers, and (what I see as) a lack of any real forward movement in my life.

With that said, there is one area of my life where I think I made drastic improvement, and that is being able to identify and deal with my depression and anxieties. However, I believe it’s mostly because I have fallen into a pretty bad depression and I have more anxieties. So, basically there’s more to work with there.

Overall, 2014 was a challenging year for me. I started off the year unemployed and not knowing if I was going to be collecting unemployment. A blizzard in early January made the wait to find out even longer as the Unemployment offices were shut down due to a state of emergency. To make a long story short, I did end up collecting, but I also was employed by the end of January. There’s good news and bad news about my employment. The good news is that I actually do like my job. The bad news is that my salary is the lowest it’s been since the late 1990s. It’s a weird trade off for me, but it’s one I was willing to do in 2014.

My low salary has not helped my stress levels though. While I remained debt free in 2014 and have not used a credit card in almost five years, I am just getting by. I sometimes joked that I work just to be able to afford enough gas in my car to get me to the supermarket to buy whatever food I can afford, with as many coupons as possible. I don’t dislike eating Ramen noodles, but I also know it’s not exactly healthy, but it’s sometimes all I can afford.

I don’t know if I can say that my social life is better off than it was. While I KNOW that I have more legitimate friends than I’ve had before, I’ve also never felt lonelier than I do now. This is a subject I’ll probably get into in more detail in a future post, but my inability to connect, or reconnect, with certain people has taken its toll on me. I can most assuredly tell you that if I were to leave my house more often or hang out with people more often, it would not necessarily help me. My social anxieties have also become heightened. I’ve gone from being slightly uncomfortable in social settings to almost outright dreading them.

My depression levels have risen to such heights…
wait, is that possible?
My depression levels have sunk to such depths that my motivation to do almost anything is not there. I barely leave my house on weekends. On some recent weekends, I’ve barely left my bed. I will sit in my room watching clips of things on YouTube because I don’t have the attention span for anything beyond 4 minutes.

I wanted to read one book per month in 2014. I ended up reading ONE book. However, does it really count since I started it in late 2013?

One aspect of 2014 that I am truly proud of is my running in five 5k races. All five of them were better times than the races I had run in previous years. I went into detail about my feelings on these races in a previous entry. I will likely run more races in 2015, but as of now, I don’t know when.

I did have some specific fitness goals for 2014. One of which was met ever so briefly. My default weight seems to be about 205 – 210 pounds. It seems that getting under that range is not too easy for me. Surpassing that range is a lot less difficult than it used to be. But, I wanted to be under 200 in 2014. I started the year at 204. There was a point in 2014 where I dropped to around 195 pounds. I would have liked to have been proud of that accomplishment, but it was immediately after something upset me and eating and/or holding food in was slightly difficult. I felt my depression robbed me of being proud of my accomplishment. And I’m back up to around 210 pounds.

The other specific fitness goal I had for 2014 was to be able to successfully pull off a Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga. Well, I’m still not even close. However, I did not try often. I only did the routines that it’s featured in a few times. I’ve more or less planned out my entire year of DDP Yoga workouts, so let’s see if I can get it done this time.

One other thing that happened to me in 2014 is something that I see as a mix of good and bad. I wrote some particularly deep blog entries and judging by some of the responses I received from people, I may actually be helping people with their issues. When I received text messages from some friends after one of my entries and those messages included them telling me how much they mean to me and/or telling me of their own battles with depression, I felt good. Not good that they’re suffering, but that my little blog here actually gives them support and comfort. Yes, I know this is a good thing that I’m writing about. A problem that I have with it is that regardless of the compliments, support, and friendships, I still feel lonely and insignificant. I wish that was different.

I have used the exact same New Year’s Resolution for the last few years, and it’s simply “to make it better” in the new year. Going into 2015, I’m not even sure what “it” is, but I know I want things to be better for me. I really NEED things to be better for me. I don’t want moments of hope to turn into months of despair. I don’t want brief glimpses of happiness to be washed away by harsh realities. I want my moments of hope to turn into real sustained happiness. Of course, I don’t know how possible any of it is. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t keep going…
Even if I don’t know where that destination is.