We all have heroes and role models. Sometimes they’re celebrities or sports stars. Role models are the examples we follow and the behaviors we emulate. They’re not always positive role models. The behaviors and patterns we follow from the roles models we have may be destructive. Mickey Mantle was one of my heroes and ended up being a role model of mine.

Based on his family history, Mickey Mantle did not expect to live past his 40s. His family had a history of cancer. When he was not playing baseball, he was living a destructive partying lifestyle. He drank A LOT. His basic mindset was that he wasn’t going to be around very long, so he would just party all the time. As he out-lived both his father and grandfather, Mantle had been quoted as saying “If I knew I’d live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.”

In early 1994, Mantle went to the Betty Ford Clinic and gave up drinking. In June of 1995 he received a liver transplant. His liver was seriously damaged due drinking and hepatitis C. It was also discovered that he had a form of liver cancer. After his transplant, Mantle appeared at a press conference where he said (in my opinion) possibly the strongest and most powerful quote of his life. He said “Kids, you wanna talk about a role model? This is a role model, don’t be like me.”

Mickey Mantle at his press conference in 1995.

Unfortunately, the cancer in his liver had spread too quickly and Mickey Mantle died on August 13, 1995. When I heard the news on that Sunday morning, I immediately started crying. My mother, who had grown up in the Bronx and personally saw Mickey Mantle play many times, as she was of the generation that Mantle played in was a bit surprised to see me crying. Mantle retired from playing 7 years before I was born, but he was still my favorite player and a hero of mine.

Mantle’s role model comment always resonated with me. And as I’ve gotten older I truly realized what it means. I’ve spoken of behavior patterns that I have. I acquired them from the role models in my life. Obviously, they weren’t all positive role models. But, like Mickey Mantle, I want to change the outcome. I know that without change, progress cannot happen. And I know I’ll discuss that in the future, but this post is not meant to focus on me. Hell, it’s not even meant to focus on Mickey Mantle the ballplayer, it’s meant to focus on Mickey Mantle, the man. A man that IS a hero of mine and by admitting his mistakes and truly became the role model we all thought he was.

As I was writing this and I came upon two quotes from Bob Costas who also grew up a fan of Mickey Mantle, and ended up being his friend. I think they can summarize this entry as well as anything else can:

“(Mantle was) a fragile hero to whom we had an emotional attachment so strong and lasting that it defied logic.”

“In the last year of his life, Mickey Mantle, always so hard on himself, finally came to accept and appreciate the distinction between a role model and a hero. The first, he often was not. The second, he always will be. And, in the end, people got it.”

Me in 2008 during my last time at the old Yankee Stadium.

In my last post I discussed my laziness and how it leads to my depression. I want to amend that since they really do go hand in hand. But I’ve also realized that being lazy isn’t the only instinct I have to battle each day. My depression is always with me as well.

It was once said to me, “when your default is set to miserable, it’s hard to be happy.” Well, my default was set to miserable a very long time ago. And like I stated in the previous entry, I’m not writing this for a “woe is me” thing. Self-pity is not one of my defaults. However, depression, laziness, and defensiveness certainly are. I’ll get to the defensive part at a later date.

At one point in my life I didn’t believe that depression was a real thing. I believed people could just “get over it.” Looking back, not only have I realized just how incredibly wrong I was about that, I’ve also realized my depression goes back a lot further than I originally thought. I now remember specific times from my teenage years where I was definitely depressed, but did not know it. Unfortunately for me, it got worse, and twenty years later I’m still dealing with it. And, it’s likely I will always have to.

As I’ve stated, depression is my default. I do not know if it’s genetic or just how I was programmed. I know for sure that depression runs in my family. Some members had it diagnosed and went for help, while others ignore it and deny it, even though it’s passive aggressively hitting them in the face. I am not writing this to pass blame or to point fingers at my family. I am writing this in an effort to help myself understand. I often feel that by writing and “putting it out there” I am helping myself, and sometimes possibly others as well. And I also just want to know “why” I am this way.

I could tell you that kids were cruel to me in school (and they were). I could tell you that I was lousy at sports (and I was/am). I could tell you that my parents were overbearing and controlling for much of my life (and they were.) Did those elements lead to my depression? I’m sure they did, but did those things do it alone? Sometimes I think the most damaging thing from my younger days is that I felt nobody listened to me or paid attention to me.

In a few blog entries, I’ve discussed feeling “not good enough” and insignificant. Having people dismiss me, not listen to me, or flat out ignore me most assuredly lead to my feelings of loneliness. And I’m almost positive that it’s why when people did start listening to me, I wouldn’t shut up. And some are not listening again due to me talking about me constantly, so I’m lonely again. The cycle continues.

I do want to state that it wasn’t just that people finally started listening to me. It was also that I was finally able to discuss things. So again, what came first? People not listening to me or me not being able to discuss things? Did I originally stop talking about my issues and feelings because I felt nobody cared? Or maybe I felt that my issues weren’t important enough to be discussed due to me feeling so insignificant? I really don’t know if I’ll ever know the answers to those questions.

It’s also been brought to my attention that I may do to others exactly what I’m discussing here. I may not listen enough to others or maybe even dismiss their issues. Dismissing my friends has never been an objective of mine. It’s just a bi-product of my programming. I am not saying that as an excuse for my behavior, it’s simply a matter of understanding. In order to move forward, you need to know where you’ve been, and in some cases, why you’ve been there.

As I bring up more themes from previous entries, it again comes back to finding a balance. I know it’s possible for me to find it. These blog entries show me that I’m capable. And each of these writings trigger some new thoughts for me. The responses I get also prompt more thoughts, which leads to more writing.

A side effect of depression and laziness is complacency. While I said I battle my depression daily, if i ever give up that fight and complacency sets in, then the depression wins. That’s why I fight. That is why I keep trying to attain that happiness I never knew.

I always try to leave these blogs on an uplifting sentiment. And since this one is getting a bit wordy, I’ll end it now. But I’m sure I’ll have another one soon. I always feel a little better after writing these. Yes, I am still depressed, lazy, and lonely. And yes, I’ll still be depressed, lazy, and lonely when I post my next blog. I may always have those traits, but that doesn’t mean I’ll give up. I can’t give up. There may never be a time when I truly “win” this fight, but it doesn’t mean I’ll stop making the effort.

As I’ve stated in a few blogs over the years, with my birthday in early July, it’s very easy for me to see each calendar year as two very distinct halves and I usually take some time to evaluate my progress at the end of each half. And that’s where I am now, having just started the second half of 2013, or you could also look at it as me about to start my 38th year.

I went into 2013 very optimistic for progress in my life. I knew that the end of my credit card debt was on the horizon. I’m glad to report that the end of that happened slightly quicker than I thought it would and I’m 100% free from credit card debt. Of course, some things have come up since then and I have some bills that have taken my extra money, but since I didn’t have any debt in my way, I’m able to deal with those things.

Also recently, I’ve given a lot of thought to just how incredibly lazy I am. Before I go any further with this, I want to very clearly state that I am not stating laziness is nearly as bad as, nor is it as painful as addictions can be. However, I have noticed a similarity or two issues.

Recovering addicts often say that they are always fighting the urge to succumb to whatever their issue was. It’s always in their head. Well, that’s how I view my laziness. I am always fighting my lazy nature. I need to constantly tell myself not to be lazy. And I’ve also given a lot of thought as to how I became so lazy. Is it a product of my environment/upbringing? Is it genetic? Or is it just easy?

I’ve been accused a lot of being a “creature of habit.” Sometimes people have even suggested I may have some form of OCD. While thinking about my laziness, I’ve come to realize that while I do plan out a lot of how my days will go, it may be so I don’t do nothing. In other words, if I have nothing to do, that’s exactly what I’ll do, nothing. But, if I map out a plan for myself for a day, or whatever time period, I’ll likely get it done.

My laziness has also lead to my feelings of depression and loneliness at times. I definitely think they’re all related. And that’s how the title of this blog came to be. It’s a line from a song and I think I relate to it. It’s hard to not be what you’re supposed to be by design. I think I was programmed to be lazy and depressed, and sometimes I think I’ve been destined to be alone. I have to struggle with all three of those instincts on a pretty much daily basis.

Luckily for me, I’m aware of these issues. I’m aware of them through my own introspection, talks with friends, and observations I’ve made of other people with those same traits. And another way this ties in to addictions is that people that do not want to be helped cannot be helped. It does not matter how many times you point out a fault in someone if they do not see it as a fault and do not accept that it needs to change. I want to change all of these bad traits in myself.

Another problem I came to develop over the last few years is that I became a little bit too absorbed in my own issues and not enough about anyone else’s. But, again through introspection, I’ve realized that it’s another of my typical extreme reactions to how I was before. I didn’t have a lot of friends for a good portion of my life and once I did have friends, not many of them truly knew of my issues because I didn’t talk about them, because I couldn’t talk about them. Once I became capable of talking about them, I did. A LOT. To MANY of them. Ad nauseam. And yes, I get that this blog is talking about me, but it’s a good thing, keep reading. I’m going somewhere with this.

I had a very sheltered and isolated childhood. I’m not saying this for sympathy or to evoke a “woe is me” feeling. I truly believe that being as sheltered as I was has not allowed me to relate to people as much as some people can. I don’t have many similar experiences as a lot of my friends. It’s been brought to my attention that sometimes people will be telling me something and I’ll interject something that is similar, but not similar at the same time, and therefore somehow making the conversation about me. Making it about me was not my intention. If anything, I was attempting to relate well and just not being able to do it as well I would like.

I have never known if my self-confidence (or arrogance, depending on who you speak to) is real or if it’s manufactured by my mind to hide/mask how I really felt about myself. I’ve wondered that for years, and I honestly do give “credit” to the fact that I’ve been able to hide behind a keyboard online for almost 20 years. It’s a lot easier to be whomever I want to be on here than it is in “real life.” But sometimes, the persona I developed online would manifest itself in my everyday life and I’ve been known to straddle the line between confidence and arrogance.

Trust me, I’m aware that I’m showing signs of contradictory personalities. In one paragraph I’m stating how depressed I am and in another I’m talking about how full of myself I am. This all ties together with things I’ve been saying for a while now. I’m searching for a balance in my life.

It’s now been just over a year since I last had any professional help for my issues. Should I go back? Maybe, but it’s not in the (financial) cards at the moment. I find the time I spent in those sessions to be invaluable. But, I also find that I am very capable of realizing what my issues are. I am also very confident in my ability to change and improve. I have first hand experience with people that cannot (and will not) change, regardless of how much destruction is left in their wake. From witnessing that, I see what I don’t want to be and how I don’t want my life to end up.

Loneliness sucks. Being alone usually sucks. Being depressed sucks. Being lazy sucks. I’ve been surrounded by lazy, lonely, depressed people all of my life. Some have refused to acknowledge it, regardless of it being right in front of their faces. Me, I’m acknowledging it, and will not succumb to it. I will not be the person I was born to be. I will overcome it and I will rise above. Maybe I should stop being lazy about it, draw up a plan, and get to it already

It’s become custom for me to write a blog at the end of the year and to ask the question, “am I better off than I was a year ago?”  Usually I cannot answer that question and I say that in some ways I am better off and in some ways I am not. This year, I’m going to change that up a bit and say, YES I am better off than I was a year ago. I certainly did not accomplish every single thing I set out to accomplish in 2012, but I did accomplish a great deal of them.

In my blog from September 5th I went into detail about the 5k race that I ran with my sister. And that still stands out as one of the proudest accomplishments of my life, let alone 2012. But again, one of the things that I’m most proud from that race was that I set a SPECIFIC goal and I accomplished it. In 2013, I very well may do another race. Who knows, maybe I’ll do more than just one race. We shall see.

As far as my financial situation goes. I still have debt, but here is why I’ll tell you that I AM better off than I was a year ago. I can tell you all now that without any question, I will have ZERO credit card debt within months. In no more than SIX MONTHS from now, it will all be gone. It could be half as long as that. The amount of possibilities that leaves me with is mind-blowing to me. It really is. To have a completely fresh start financially doesn’t seem real to me. But I’ll wait a few months to get into that. I just know it’ll be one of the most significant days of my life, so far.

My social life is no worse off than it was a year ago. In fact, I would say it’s a bit better. I’ve definitely made a few more friends and gotten closer to some people that were only acquaintances before. And both of those things are good things.

While on the subject of “good things,” let me talk about DDP Yoga. It was started by former pro-wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page and at one point his catch phrase was “that’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing.” Having been doing DDP Yoga since May, I can tell you, it’s a GOOD thing. I started off by doing it a few times a week before I started following a specific 13 week plan in the book it came with. And now I’m making my own plan for it. I came up with a plan for December and did not miss a single day of it. I did (at least) one routine every day for the month, and it culminated in me finally getting to the most difficult routine on any of the DDP Yoga discs. Once again, I set a goal and I accomplished it. And this goal, like my race goal, betters me inspires me to do even more.

In last year’s year end blog I talked about obstacles in my way and my desire to move past them. I moved past as many of them as I could. As it turns out, some of them are not movable. But in those cases, I’ve learned to go around them or re-evaluate the situation to the best of my ability. Regardless of whether I got past them or not, I have no regrets to how I handled any of it.

A phrase I’ve tried to eliminate from my life is “I can’t.” I don’t want to use that phrase in reference to any event, challenge, or task. I CAN and WILL rise to the challenge. I understand that I still live in a world of “can’t” and there are some people and things that can’t be fixed. But in those cases, there isn’t anything anyone can do other than let them be as they are and move on to the next thing that CAN be done.

Lacuna Coil’s album, “Dark Adrenaline” was ranked #2 in my Album of the Year Countdown. The song “Upsidedown” is likely my favorite song on the album. The main line of the song is “I’m leaving the dark side upside down, laughing at my disaster.” I can relate to that, which I’m sure is why I liked it so much. I did leave my dark side upside down, and I do laugh at my own disaster. But I also smile about it now, since I’ve risen up from the ashes of what I used to be and the hands that were dealt to me.

Very often, these year end blogs are mostly me talking about the issues I had during the year. There’s two big reasons that I’m going with a different approach to this blog. The first is that I had a fairly incident free year. Unlike the previous few years, I did not suffer any life-changing events. And another big reason that I’m not taking this blog in that direction is that I’m just so focused on 2013 right now. I can’t believe how excited I am about the possibilities of things to come in the new year. And again, it’s not just because one year is over. I liked 2012, it’s just that I’m looking to make 2013 my best year yet. I’m quite determined to meet that goal, and I don’t know any reason why I won’t be able to.

It’s good to set goals in life. It’s also good to accomplish them. Over the last few years I’ve set some goals for myself. Some of them sound good, but are generic and almost vague. An example of that would be my New Year’s resolution for 2012, which was “to make it better.” Now, as vague and all encompassing as it is, it’s also a good resolution and goal. The year is half over and I can say without question that, so far, I’ve done that.

I’ve had a gym membership for a little over 6 years and I’ve regularly gone there. I’m not one of the guys that has the membership and barely goes. During my period of unemployment last year I was at the gym almost every day. My first goal at the gym (6 years ago) was to drop the excess weight I had added in the summer of 2006. I did that. From there, I didn’t really have a goal other than to build some muscle.

Earlier this year I realized my workouts had become way too routine and somewhat stale. I asked a few people for advice and for some new goals. From one of those conversations came a challenge. My sister, who has run 5 marathons (as of this writing), challenged me to a 5k race. I accepted the challenge and immediately started working on running that distance on treadmills at my gym.

I had been doing regular cardio activities at the gym, but they lacked focus. Now I had something specific to strive for. Over the course of a few weeks I had decreased my 5k treadmill time from 32 minutes to 26.5 minutes. At this point, I was sure I could do a real race. Unfortunately, my sister and I couldn’t find a time to do one that fit with both of our schedules and I stopped practicing.

I’m a fan of professional wrestling and I follow many wrestlers on Twitter and other social networks. Diamond Dallas Page is one of the wrestlers I follow. I’ve been a fan of his for many years, and I used to talk to him a little bit in the mid-1990s on AOL. He developed his own Yoga program, called DDP Yoga. I had heard a lot about it from DDP himself, various wrestlers, and other people as well. I decided to give it a shot. Upon trying it, I IMMEDIATELY became a big time fan of the program and I recommend it to anyone that wants to do “own their lives” as DDP says.

How does DDP Yoga fit into my 5k story? Well, just keep reading.

My sister and I attended a Yankees game in June. At the game, I mentioned to her that there would be a 5k race in my hometown on September 1st. She said “let’s do it” and we both signed up. At this point I was already working on my first 13 week DDP Yoga program.  When August came around I started getting serious about my 5k training at the gym. I never got my time as low as I had before, but I had much better paces that I had before.

Due to my good performances on the treadmill, I was sure I could do the real race easily. Then I did the actual path of the 5k in a practice. That was a really big time rude awakening for me. My legs did NOT like running out on pavement. Not to mention that my lungs didn’t like it either, especially since it seemed that everyone had mowed their lawns the day I tried it the first time. I ended up walking A LOT of the path and I finished it in somewhere around 37 minutes. At this point I continued to practice the distance and timing on treadmills and did a few more outdoor runs. The outdoor runs were never really good. I began to question my ability to do the race in any respectable time. Now don’t get me wrong, I would have felt a sense of accomplishment as soon as I crossed the finish line, regardless of the time, but I didn’t want to JUST finish it.

I’ve often been accused of planning things out too much. Well, I didn’t plan anything for the timing of the race and the DDP Yoga schedule, but the final workout on my 13 week plan just happened to be the day of my race. It worked out well for me. Throughout the time that I had been getting ready for the race I would post updates on my Twitter account and use the hashtag #intraining. The day of the race I used #culmination. Because that’s exactly what it was. The 5k race meant a lot more to me than just a race. I had put A LOT of time and effort into this and now it was time to do it.

At about 9:10 am on September 1st, the gun was shot and we were off. My goal was to finish the race in 30 minutes or under. I thought that was doable with my sister helping me. My sister was by my side the entire time and she didn’t want us to walk any of the path. I did my best to do not have to walk any of it, and I didn’t slow my run down to a walk until a little more than half way through the race, which I can tell you is SIGNIFICANTLY better than I had done on any of my practices. I didn’t walk for very long, and I went right back to the running. I think I slowed down maybe 2 more times before we made that final push to the finish line.

The race ended on the track at the high school. When we came around the curve and I saw the time on the clock, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and I picked up the pace a little bit. My sister and I crossed the finish line together with a time of (unofficially) 29 minutes and 45 seconds. I did it! I finished the race and I met every goal I had for the event.

Throughout my life I had often felt I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t very good as the sports I had played. My grades weren’t great. Very often I lacked the drive to get something done well. On September 1, 2012 at about 9:39am, I erased my doubts. I had set a specific goal and I accomplished it. The feeling of pride I have over that one event will never go away.

Will I run more races in the future? It’s likely, but my schedule doesn’t allow it at the moment. I don’t want that to sound like an excuse, because doing so would almost completely negate the previous paragraph. I’m just stating that my current schedule isn’t compatible with many scheduled races that I’ve seen listed. That doesn’t mean I won’t take steps to allow my schedule to change. I can say for certain that my determination has never been stronger. It’s a very good feeling. By accomplishing something as specific as crossing that finish line in under 30 minutes, I’ve become more sure of myself. Instead of just having the “been there, done that” attitude that I very well could have from it, I have the “I can do it” attitude that I’ve been developing for a while, but didn’t really have. I had a specific goal, and I did it. It’s a good feeling.

And before I end this entry I have to thank everyone that supported me on this. That includes all the people that texted me encouragement, all the people that replied to my tweets, and even the people at my job that worked with me and allowed me to have the time off. An extra special thanks goes out to Diamond Dallas Page for his program that gave me the extra strength and confidence in my ability, and of course to my sister. I know I’ve said a few times that *I* did it and *I* accomplished my racing goal and I did, but I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks again.

The finish, or is it just the beginning?