Category Archives: Misery

You Perceive Your Life and Goals Depressed.

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Over the past few days I’ve been given some thought to what I deserve and what I’ve earned. For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time believing that I deserve good things or that I deserve to be happy. As I’ve gotten older and (hopefully) wiser, I’ve wondered if this is nature or nurture, which is a topic that I’ve brought up a few times in my entries.

Whenever I think about me not deserving good things, one specific memory comes to me. For one of my birthdays, I don’t know which one exactly, but I don’t think I was a teenager yet, I was told that I would be getting a television. I remember the TV very clearly. It was tan with a black and white picture. It still had knobs and an antenna. But, the story isn’t that I was gifted a TV. The story is that I protested it. Not because I wanted something different, but because I didn’t deserve it. Or at least, that’s what I kept telling my parents. I don’t know what triggered my lack of worth there, but I remember being very adamant about not being worthy of such a gift.

A different example of a time when I felt a need to suffer was later in life. If I have the timeframe correct, I had just turned 30 and had recently received some bad news. I remember locking myself in my room all day, with the lights out, the air conditioner not turned on (in late July), and just watching some movies. But, this wasn’t for enjoyment. This was designed to make myself feel worse and to deepen my depression. I felt a sense of satisfaction for this one though, because I succeeded in making myself suffer more by not being comfortable all day.

Where does this come from? Why have I been like this? My parents definitely contributed. But, again, is it nature or nurture? One of them attempted treatment for mental health issues. The other wouldn’t acknowledge they exist. Their own issues would get projected upon me, but also the way they treated me would add to it. Is that nature? Is that nurture? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth trying to figure out.

It wasn’t just my parents. I had a difficult time in school. While I was struggling with undiagnosed social anxieties and probably attention deficit issues, I would be mocked by classmates, put down by teachers, and punished by parents. In some ways, I was being punished just for being me.

I don’t know how in-depth that I want to get into some things here because I can already feel my anxiety rising just by what I’ve typed already. Yes, I know that it means that I’m touching on issues that I probably need to discuss more often, but I don’t know if now is the time.

Changing gears slightly, but keeping on topic, over the past few years, I’ve found new levels of comfort, enjoyment, and even some happiness. I say “some happiness” because I think “happy” is a like the platinum level of joy that I rarely attain. Although, then again maybe my programming doesn’t allow me to feel true happiness. See, I can’t get too far from the original topic in this entry.

As I attempt to keep on the positive note that I started in the last paragraph, I’m really grateful for a few people that have pointed out (some multiple times) how good that they think I have it, how the things I do are actually interesting, how I’ve lived a fun life, and how I’m doing good things. What I’ve realized about their observations about me is that the things that they’re talking about aren’t things that have happened recently, they’re things that have been happening for a while. In some cases, decades. But, I haven’t been able to fully enjoy them due to my inability to feel happiness and my need to suffer.

But here’s the thing, I’ve truly had some great moments over the past few years. I’ve often mentioned how “surreal” that certain aspects of my life are. I have such an appreciation for where I am now. I’m starting to believe that good things are actually good. I’m starting to believe that I’m allowed to have good things. Do I deserve this? I don’t know. Have I earned it? Maybe.

I’ve also noticed that the more and more that I do the things that I enjoy, the less that I doubt that I should be doing them. The less that I doubt, the more that I want to do. However, with all of that is still the voice in my head that reminds me that I “can’t” and that quitting is easier. I don’t hear that voice as much as I used to, but it’s still there.

Social media has been a great thing for me. From my days on AOL in the 1990s, to MySpace in the aughts, Facebook and others sites in 2010s and onward, they’ve helped me connect to people that have similar interests and needs. I’ve made legitimate lifelong friends from social media. And I think the point that I’m trying to make here is that by surrounding myself (even in a virtual world) with people who encourage me to be me instead of mocking me, putting me down, or insulting me for being me is what I needed all along. Who knows?

Maybe I should give less thought to where I’ve been and worry more about where I am now. Notice that I said “worry about where I am now” instead of focus. But regardless of how I worded that last sentence, I don’t want to not think about where I’ve been. Good, bad, or indifferent, where I’ve been got to me to where I am. And where I am is good. Or at least, it’s a lot better than it’s been before, and I want to stay here. I think I deserve it. Maybe, I’ve earned it.

Days of Future Past.

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I believe that in order to get somewhere new, you need to know where you’ve been. That’s why I try my best to learn as much about history as possible. It could be through reading books, listening to podcasts, or watching documentaries. I don’t just do it for entertainment purposes, I do it for knowledge. While I really do like reading about American presidents, the Founding Fathers, the history of comedy, and other topics, I also look at my own past for answers.

There is a difference between living in the past and learning from it. I’ve done both. I know them both very well. I’ve had situations in my past that I thought that I really enjoyed and did all that I could to get back to them. Whether it be concerts, events, or even people, I wanted that feeling of enjoyment again. But, sometimes, I’ve also learned that the situations from my past that I thought were good were really not. Hindsight is a good thing.

I’ve always thought that the answers to many of the future’s questions are in the past. Sometimes the future is easy to predict based on precedent. The key to everything is learning. You need to learn and understand the who, what, where, when, why, and how of history. I’m not talking about being able to predict a political scenario based on who won the election of 1844 (it was James K. Polk, by the way). I’m talking about being able to take things from you own past and be able to create a positive future for yourself. It’s not always an easy task. There’s effort required. There’s work required. There’s patience required. And most importantly, there needs to be the desire to do it.

As someone that deals with depression, it’s very easy for me to not notice good things. I’ve often found the bad in many situations. There’s almost a self-destruct mechanism in my brain that makes me need to leave before I really start to enjoy them. It’s taken me a very long time to overcome this. To be honest, I don’t think I have totally overcome it, but I’m just very much aware of it. That’s part of the learning. As of late, that self-destruct mechanism seems to be on-hold. My desire to implode the good isn’t there.

A good amount of my recent entries have mentioned how good things are for me. And that’s still true. In fact, they’re even better than they were when I wrote my last entry. There’s been more positive changes. I was forced to say goodbye to the car that I had for 23 years. Yes, that was a little bit emotional for me. Many miles were traveled in that vehicle. But, out of the ashes of that experience came a new car. My first ever NEW new car. Just the simple fact that I can afford it is one of the positive changes in my life.

Getting back to the past, another thing from my past recently popped up. I’ve embraced this situation (figuratively and literally). I’m enjoying the present and looking forward to the future there. I’m being intentionally vague here for reasons that make sense to me, and maybe a few others that read this.

I just said that I’m “looking forward to the future.” That isn’t something that I often do. Yes, I look forward to specific things that I know are happening (concert, sporting event, etc), but I don’t usually broadly look forward. And to (again) to return to the theme of this entry, not looking forward doesn’t necessarily looking backwards. There is definitely way too much forward momentum in my life right to live in the past, but I know that my past moves me forward. My future is because of my past. Some of my past is pretty dark. Because of all that I’ve learned from my past and things that I’ve experienced, the realization of the things that are important to me, and relationships that I’ve maintained, cultivated, and re-kindled that my future looks bright.

My Words Must Levitate and Reverberate Through the Void.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look at the 46 years of my life that I’ve completed.

By no means are things in my life perfect, but in many aspects, things are better than they’ve ever been. Thanks to some changes in my professional life, I’m in a much better position to make some long overdue changes that I’ve never been able to make before. I’m not quite there yet, but soon, I think I will be.

I’m healthier than I was before. Both mentally and physically. I’ve lost some weight and I’m taking care of my mental health. I’ve put in a lot of effort with myself. More than I have before. But, I still have A LOT of work to do and I need to put in more effort with more time committed to it. If I’m able to do half of what I hope to do, I’ll be so much better off.

For the longest time, I didn’t believe good things about me because I didn’t hear them from anyone. Then, I started to hear good things and I wasn’t capable of believing them. Now, I hear good things and I doubt them a lot less. That’s progress.

The voice in the back of my head that likes to tell me that things are going to fall apart doesn’t talk to me as much as it used to. Yeah, I still hear it from time to time. It likes to remind me of what I can’t do. There’s never a time when it tells me to keep going. It always tells me to quit and likes to convince me that I’ll be better off if I do that. I’m still working on ignoring that voice.

I have to do my best to stop comparing myself to how other people my age are doing. I’ll never feel good about myself if I do that. In many different categories, I would be considered very much below standard. But, if I solely compare myself now to where I’ve been, I’m doing so well. For a while I was saying “there’s never been a better time to be me.” I stopped saying that when a friend said “There’s always been a good time to be you, it’s just a matter of you realizing that.” The voice in the back of my head shouted at me at that point and told me “See, you can’t even praise yourself well.” I laughed all of that off.

A lot of the progress that I’m making in my life will be starting almost from the ground up. I’ve been at Rock Bottom. I’ve often said that it’s a good place to be, since it’s only upward from there. Being slightly above Rock Bottom, and having my head above water is a good place for me to start right now. I could throw in a few more cliches if I felt like it.

But, the point of what I’m saying is that things are going well.

I’m comfortable with where I am now. To be clear, I’m not complacent. I’ve reached a level of comfort that I like. I’m good with where my social life is. I’m good with where my bank account is headed. I’m good with me. That last sentence actually took a lot for me to type. I was hesitant to say it, but I think it’s accurate. For the first time in a very long time, I’m quite optimistic about my future.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. I really am in a good place right now. The good is outweighing the bad. I haven’t always been able to say that. I know that I have a lot of work to do on various things over the next few weeks and months. If I’m able to get that stuff done, I think it’s very possible that this good ride that I’m on will keep on going for a while.

There’s Nothing Quite Like Time to Tell How it Is.

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I’ve never been that good with deadlines. That doesn’t just apply to my days in school, which I’ll expand on later. It also applies to work, this blog, and life in general. I do things at my own pace. I do things on my own time. I going to get things done, but they may not necessarily be done with a “normal” timeline.

At my age, I should be further along. I should have accomplished more. I should more to show for all that I’ve done. Right? By what standard? By whose standard? Why is there a standard? Things are turning around for me now in ways that they never have before. If things go as they’re expected/planned to go over the next few weeks, some really good news related to my job will be coming my way. Does it matter that it’s happening now and not five, or ten, or fifteen years ago?

When I was in high school, one of my teachers realized that the work that I was turning in was pretty good. It just wasn’t turned in on time. She pulled me aside after class one day and told that she would not take off that many points on my assignments if the quality of my work stayed as good. But, she also asked me not to abuse the privilege that was being given to me. I’ve always appreciated that gesture. It showed confidence in me and it was one of the first times that anyone ever allowed me the luxury of doing things at my own pace, without (much of) a penalty.

I’m aware that deadlines exist in the business world and they do need to be met. And I do meet deadlines for my job now. I’ve had various jobs over the years and it took me a while to realize the reasons for some of the deadlines, but I did realize them and it stuck with me. But, again, it took me a while to get there.

I’m not advocating for laziness in this entry. While some of my high school teachers did actually refer to me as lazy, the one that I talked about earlier realized something about managing people and expectations. Not everyone in a classroom learns at the same pace. They don’t learn the same way. No two people are alike. Standardized ways of doing things don’t always work. Individual people sometimes need individual guidance.

I know what I just said doesn’t always translate into success in corporate, retail, or some other professional situations. But, it’s a reality of society that needs to be focused on more often. Someone like me that is “far behind” where other people my age are, may only be behind based on standard ways of thinking that you were taught. I’ve done the best that I can with the situations that I’ve been handed. I’ve done the best that I can in the scenarios that life has given me. I’ve done the best that I can.

Now, many years after where others at my age can say that they’ve achieved a level success (again, that’s all relative), I’m likely to get there myself. It’s been a long process and I’m so incredibly optimistic about things for myself right now. It’s a weird feeling, but it’s a good one.

I am being intentionally vague about some things in this entry for various reasons. One of which is simply because my late June entry usually deals with my upcoming birthday and I always like to compare where I am against where I was in that entry. I feel that if I say too much today, I may take away from what I’ll have to say in the next one.

Another reason that I’m not really saying much in this entry is that it’s the last day of the month and I hadn’t really put too much thought into what I was going to write, other than the vague idea of deadlines. And since I’ve committed myself to publishing (at least) one entry per month, I’ve again, barely hit a deadline. I don’t know if this entry would qualify as the good work that my high school English teacher recognized that I capable of doing, but at least this one is on time.

Leaving All This to Be Undone.

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People not having faith in me, and a result me not having faith in myself has been a recurring theme in my life. When you’re constantly told that you can’t achieve something, it’s very difficult to achieve anything except the low expectations set for you. And when you’ve been convinced by friends, co-workers, teachers, parents, and others that you’re not going to succeed, it’s very difficult to prove them wrong.

I’ve had that scenario for so much of my life. But, lately something has changed. I don’t know where it started, but people have been encouraging me. They’ve told me that I’m worth something. They’ve told me that I deserve good things. They’ve told me that I CAN achieve more. And more importantly than people telling me that is that I’m starting to believe it.

Even though I’ve been writing about the changes in my life lately and how good things are going, it’s still so new me that I don’t know how to process it. It’s weird. I know things are different. They feel different. I feel different. Things are good. I don’t know if it’s the standard doubts that I always have, but there’s something there that’s saying “this isn’t right.”

The voice in my head saying “this isn’t right” is probably just confused since my normal has always been set to “meh.” And that “meh” is a large grouping of things: Expectations, mood, results, etc.

The best way for me to try to understand all of this right now is to go back to thinking about how surreal some aspects of my life have been over the past. Someone once told me that some of the things that I’ve said are surreal will stop being surreal and will just be very normal. I don’t know if I want that to happen. I like them being surreal to me because I think it helps magnify my appreciation for them. And right now, I’m using that same way of thinking/feeling to process the change

Over the next few months, a few more really good things may be happening for me. I say “may be” because final say in how good things get for me is out of my control. I can do what I need to for it, and I’m in the process of doing that. But, it’s not up to me what happens after that. And before you ask if I could be more vague, yes, I could be.

What I’m about to say is not my usual bit of doubt/self destruction, it’s me (thinking that I’m) being accurate about things. I need to find more motivation for other things. As much as I’m enjoying all of my progress, there’s more that I need to do. And that means that I need to curtail my willingness to quit and give in. It also means that I may need to force myself to get out of bed earlier. And I do mean “force myself.” It seems that no matter how much sleep I get, I cannot wake up and start my day without effort.

As I’m also searching for balance in my life, I sometimes wonder if my inability to achieve the things that I used to be able to achieve is now the balance for being to achieve other things. I’m also doing my best not to think about that too much, because if I do, I may immediately start that downhill path that my mind can so easily go on. The balancing act of my brain is pretty much a tight rope over a canyon.

And while I am getting the praise from some places, I’m not getting it from others. I don’t seek praise. I want it to be voluntary. I don’t like bragging about my accomplishments. But, then again, it’s probably because I’ve been conditioned not to believe that anyone would care. As you can see, there’s a lot going on inside and the scales of balance easily tilt towards the doubt and negative thoughts.

I’ve stopped myself a few times in this entry to regroup my thoughts to stay as upbeat as possible. I’ve also stopped myself because my attention span sucks and there were shiny things to look at elsewhere. But, anyway…
I do want to keep this from going to the darker thoughts, so I’ll end the entry now and say that I am genuinely optimistic about what should be happening soon. I’m finally on my way to better things.*

* = I really wanted to add some sarcastic thing there to imply doubt. But would it really be sarcastic? See! This is what I’ve been talking about…

Hold the Whole World in Our Hand and Greet the Dawn With Open Arms.

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For so long, I’ve floundered. For so long, I’ve been sure that I won’t succeed. For so long, I’ve been sure that I can’t succeed. For so long, I wasn’t encouraged. For so long, I was put down. For song, I believed them.

It appears to be a different time, and I still believe them. But, the difference is, they’re telling me that I can. They’re telling me that I’m doing well. They’re telling me that I’m worth it.

And the difference is astronomical.

I’ve lived in a “World of Can’t” for so long. I was told about all of the things that I can’t do. I can’t do this, I can’t do that. I can’t apply for this, I can’t apply for that. I can’t achieve this, I can’t achieve that. It didn’t matter if that the thing that I was asking for was permission to do something or if I was asking if I was capable of achieving something. Constantly being told that I can’t made me sure that I can’t, and won’t.

Over the past few months, there’s been a change. Negative forces, while still present, aren’t the loudest voices in my head (even if they’re quite loud). The voices that encourage me to do more, the voices that praise me, the voices that offer me help and guidance, are the ones that I hear the loudest.

The change in my demeanor is very noticeable. I’m energetic (after coffee). I’m not as cynical as I was about myself. I don’t see myself as having the dead end life that I was programmed to believe that I was going to have. That dead end may be opening up. A conditional use variance was granted to it and I may be able to get around it. I may actually be on the path to success.

That last sentence would have been a great way to end this entry, but I want to keep going with these thoughts and get a little deeper into this.

I don’t know if my lack of esteem is a nature or nurture thing. It’s probably a combination of both, so let’s go with that. If, by nature, I was predetermined to half a lack of esteem and confidence, the lack of encouragement that I received from friends, family, teachers, employers, and other authority figures in my life just further nurtured my sense of blah. This is why it’s taken me so long to not be 100% sure that any and all good things that happen to me will be shortly followed by something horrible. That type of thought is so ingrained in my head that if/when something bad happens to me, even if I continue to ride this high that I’ve been on for a while, part of my brain will still have the “it was bound to happen” thought to attempt to deal with it.

If things play out for me as I think they’re going to over the next few months, I’ll be in a better position to do things than I’ve been in before. I am fully aware that a lot of me getting to this point is due to a lot of effort on my part, but I didn’t do it alone. There’s been a lot of people, circumstances, and situations that have played a part in this. From friends and co-workers encouraging me, from me asking for help with various topics ranging from weight loss, physical pain, and mental health concerns, and job related things. All of it’s coming together. I needed the strength to get to where I am right now, but I don’t think I would have done it if certain people didn’t tell me that I could.

I’m going to fall along the way. I’ve done it recently. But, I wasn’t belittled, insulted, discouraged, or reprimanded. I was encouraged. I was basically told “it happens, you’re doing so well. Keep going.” Hearing those words is amazing for me. I’m not used to it. It’s genuinely nice to hear. It’s even nicer since I believe them. I’m in a good place. That place is likely to be better soon. It’s a feeling that I’m not used to. I’m also not used to not being concerned about it. It’s been a long road. I’m finally arriving.

I Have Waited a Long Time and Dragged Myself a Long Way.

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In last month’s entry, I discussed the self-destruct mechanism in my head. It’s usually pretty prevalent. It often pops up when things are going well. It also often shows up when things are going poorly. It’s easy for me to not finish something and feel a moment of relief, since going through with whatever I had stopped doing would cause anxiety. However, all of those unfinished things create different anxieties for me, often leading me directly into a depressive spell when they pile up.

It’s also very easy for me to be in the self-destruct/give up mode when I don’t see a scenario getting any better. And when I’m in that mindset, my desire to do things is severely diminished. When my desire to do things is diminished, I’ll leave so much unfinished that I get more anxious and go further down the depression slide.

It’s sometimes difficult to snap out of that mood. It’s even more difficult to sustain a good mood when I’ve recently been that far down. None of this is new to me. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, even though nobody, not even myself, saw the patterns.

Over the past few years, I’ve seen some improvements. I’ve developed some habits that (I believe) are healthy for me. I’ve made a lot of steps in a positive direction.

And yet, even as I hear from people about the positive things in my life, I’ve had a hard time believing them. I’ve been down for so long that it’s never been possible to be too optimistic about things to come.

However, recently, things have started to change.

In many of the recent posts when I’ve talked about how good things are going, there was always a black cloud over my head. It’s dissipated a bit. There’s some rays of sunshine there now, but hopefully not too much since I burn so easily in sunlight, but I digress.

The biggest source of stress and anxiety in my life has usually been my finances, or lack of. That’s been less of a burden over the past few years, but there’s often been the fear that something will happen that will to cause me to NEED to spend a lot of money. And while that fear is still there, there’s also now a sense of relief since there’s things in the works for me with my job that should see my situation improve.

The potential of the financial improvements have really helped me clear out some other worries and help keep me on a mostly positive path lately. Money isn’t the only thing that’s been good for me though.

Late last year I decided that I just needed to be healthier. Not just physically or financially, but mentally too. I’ve taken steps to improve all of those needs. I can also say that I’ve made progress. From the middle of October until now, I’ve lost 20 pounds. I’m sort of stuck at my current weight, but since I’ve also started regularly exercising again, I expect that I can make more progress there. I’ve also signed up for two 5k races that will be happening in a few months, so I have time to prepare for them. I’ve enjoyed my workouts, my weight loss, and the progress. But, there’s more than that.

The enjoyment isn’t just due to finishing something, it’s also from starting it. Over the past few years, my desire to workout wasn’t there. I don’t know if it was to not having anything to strive for, a lack of interest, or just being in depression that I didn’t even realize that I was in, but I’m not there now. I enjoy the effort that I’m putting into it.

I also recently removed some unnecessary items from my life and by doing so, I felt another sense of accomplishment. And this one was so very simple. I had a desktop computer that had barely functioned for a while. Even after I bought a nice new laptop for myself, I kept using the desktop for some stuff, regardless of how annoying and frustrating that old machine became. The desk in my room had its space taken up by the monitor, keyboard, and other related items. I didn’t use the desk for anything. By removing the computer and being able to utilize the space on the desk, I felt accomplished. Yes, something that simple made such a difference for me.

In addition to the minor changes that I just described, I’ve replaced other items throughout the house. And the small changes make things seem more practical for me. Simple things can make a big difference.

Another source of non-stressful energy is the phone call that I received from my doctor a week or so ago. I just had my annual physical and any items that were a concern last year were not a concern this year. It made me see that all of the efforts to be healthier have paid off.

I’ve been sleeping somewhat better recently. Although, I still often wake up in the middle of the night. The time that I wake up is pretty consistent and would be very convenient if I still worked early morning retail hours, but I don’t, so it isn’t. However, whether I wake up early or not, the most difficult thing that I do every day seems to be getting out of bed. I’ve been forcing myself to get up at sometime between my first alarm and when I NEED TO. I’ve been getting some stuff done in the morning too, and even if I’m a little bit tired during the day, I have the sense of accomplishment that I hadn’t had for a while.

I like that feeling of accomplishment. It’s so much better than the literal and figurative piles of things that I’ve put off. The weight of my burdens has been lessened and I feel inspired to keep going.

There’s more potential good things for me soon. And the combination of progress, effort, hope, and the ability to put those things together has me not just thinking that things are going in a good direction, but I’m actually believing that things are going in a good direction. There’s a difference between thinking something and believing something. Right now, at this very moment, and for the first time in a very long time, I believe that good things are happening. It’s a nice feeling.

And I’m not going to end this entry doubting myself…

No, that doesn’t count as doubt.

Tossed Into My Mind, Stirring the Calm.

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As good as things are for me right now, I’m always concerned about things falling apart. I’ve said that many times in these entries. I question good things. I question why I don’t feel awful. I question why I’m doing well. I’m so used to chaos, misery, sadness, anxiety, angst, etc, that I’m almost calm when things are bad. Various lyrics from bands like Nirvana, Garbage, and Katatonia just popped into my head as I was writing that last sentence. I will offer another Marvel Comics-like No-Prize if you can figure out which lyrics. But, don’t worry about that now. Keep reading.

The first month of 2023 is over. It’s been a good month. I’m (mostly) in a good place. I’m doing pretty well with my weight loss. I’m doing well at my job, and there’s so much happening there. My social life is good. And yet, there’s a feeling of dread. What’s causing it? Is it my aforementioned doubt of good things? Is it fear of change? What’s the issue? Seriously, I’m asking you. I don’t know.

My car is old. If it were an American citizen, it’s legally been allowed to buy alcohol for a few years. I don’t know how much more life is left there. My mechanic, who I’ve been with for a few years and has taken very good care of the car recently made a comment which makes me know the time is numbered. So, based on that, I went car browsing recently. I made it very clear to the dealer that I was NOT there to buy. But, I was there to price some stuff. Just the fact that I couldn’t afford ANYTHING monthly did trigger a mild downward spiral for me. That is the one thing that I can isolate as being a factor recently.

When that slight bit of discouragement happened, my mind went into a self-destructive mode. I started stress eating. I bought a few more things that I probably didn’t need. Based on one setback, my mind’s instinct was to destroy all of the progress that I had made with my weight and my finances. Those two things have been some of my biggest stress causing areas for a while. And I’ve made positive changes in both of them. But, a voice in my head told me to blow it all up.

This type of thing isn’t new to me. I can very clearly remember being told about the first new television that I was going to get as a gift. I don’t remember how old I was at the time, but the hand-me-down TV that I had was either broken or had some issue with it. I was told that for a birthday I would be getting a new one. I emphatically told my parents not to get me a TV because I did not deserve one. Self doubt, misery, sadness. It’s always been there.

I am capable of being proud of myself. I am also very capable of being ashamed of myself. More often than not, my mind has me closer to the shame side of things, even if I haven’t done anything to warrant it. It’s just where is goes. The pride/shame mid-way point is not where my mind goes to. The balance isn’t centered. It’s not even one or extreme or the other, it’s just more a of 30% off to the side of the shame direction for a while and then 30% on the proud side, but for a lesser time. There isn’t that content middle point.

When my mind starts going to the darker areas, my attention span also suffers. I can’t distract myself with a book or a movie. I don’t have the ability to do much. I’m fully capable of going through most of the motions. I’ll go to work and do my job effectively and accurately, but without a sense of being there as I’m doing it.

As I was typing that last paragraph, I thought of two somewhat recent things that happened. In both of those situations, I drove to an event and met some friends there. And in both of those times, I dealt with really bad traffic. While I did get to my destinations and (basically) on time, my ability to really enjoy the events was not there. I should have had a much better time and been in the moment, but something that stressed me out had prevented it, even if the direct cause of the stress was no longer an issue. On the bright side, I’m aware of this. It’s something that I can work on. I think this is more easily controlled than other things that I’ve talked about here.

I am pretty sure that I thought about more scenarios from my life, I could keep this entry going for a very long time. But since I’m tired and don’t want to ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on (see what I did?), I’m going to start wrapping this up. I’ve always believed that being aware of issues and wanting to fix them is the first thing that anyone need on a road to recovery. I don’t want to be complacent. I don’t like the self-destructive nature of my mind. Just saying that pushed me closer to the self-destruction because that’s on the shame side of things. I hope that my awareness of these things will eventually start to transition to progress in changing them, and then I can think about how I used to be self-destructive and my mind will go to the proud side of things, because I’ve made it happen.

Reflective Summary Froze Me in a Frame.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” I can look back at 2022 and say that, for the most part, I am definitely better off than I was one year ago. 2022 was not perfect. It had its ups and downs, but as long as whatever remaining time in 2022 doesn’t throw me a major curve ball, I can say that 2022 was really a good year for me.

One of the very first things that I talked about in my 2021 recap was how I had managed to still avoid having COVID-19 at all. That streak didn’t last long into 2022. By the end of January, I ended up getting sick with it. It wasn’t bad for me at all. And due to the fact that I (most likely) had a sinus infection at the same time, I think it’s very possible that I wouldn’t have even known that I had COVID-19 if it wasn’t for that sinus infection. But, as I attempt to look at the bright side of things, not only was my experience with the illness not bad, but I got 10 days off from work. And they were seriously some of the most relaxing days that I’ve had in years.

With the world returning to somewhat “normal” behaviors in 2022, I was able to compete in one 5k race. I knew going into it that having one of my best times was not likely to happen. It had been 3 years since my previous race, I was a bit heavier, and just out of practice. Nothing that I said in the previous sentence was meant to be an excuse, the statements were just facts. I probably could have put more effort in, but I didn’t. And I ended up finishing with my slowest time ever. However, the important part isn’t the “slowest time ever” part, it’s the “finishing” part. I finished the race and I’m thrilled to have competed in it.

So, I just said that I was a bit heavier than I had been. That was then, this is now. I’m currently the lightest that I’ve been in a long time. That doesn’t mean that I’m close to the lightest that I’ve been. I’m just lighter than I’ve been for a while. I still have a lot of work to do there.

And building from that is my workout routine. I don’t have one at the moment. I’ve barely done any type of workout since the 5k race a few months ago. I fully intend to recommit myself to that in the new year. My goal is to compete in as many of the local 5k races as I can, and in order to get the most of them that I possibly can, I need to be in shape for them. That will require me putting in a lot of work and if I stick to a plan, I should be able to do it. But, since I mention this ever year, DDPY (formerly called DDP Yoga) is the plan that I’ll be returning to. And unlike in 2021, when I was able to pull it off one time, I did not successfully complete a Black Crow pose.

Every single year that I’ve enrolled in a book reading challenge, I’ve failed to meet my goal. I’ve been doing this for a few years. My goal has always been to read 12 books in the year. It’s always seemed simple enough for me. One book per month. But, I’ve never been able to do it. And in 2022, I did not read 12 books. I read 13. I’m very happy with that. I COULD easily point out that many of the books that I completed were pretty short, but I did not make any rules about the length of the books. It was just how many that I could read from beginning to end within the calendar year. I’m going to keep the same goal for 2023 and I hope to match or surpass it.

Nothing stresses me out more easily or frequently than my financial situation. And for various reasons, my bank account isn’t nearly as high as I would like it to be. But, for the first time in a very long time, there looks to be potential for something to change there. A few things need to fall into place, and that includes me making some things happen, but if all goes as I’m hoping, when I do my 2023 recap, I should have good stuff to say here.

My social life was pretty good in 2022. If I gauge it only on if I have more friends than I started the year off with, then it was definitely a success. As is the case with basically all aspects of life, my social life had some ups and downs. But, when looking back, I really have no regrets. There’s nothing that I would change about my socializing during the year.

One of the things that I’ve said many times during 2022 (and even a bit before) is how surreal some aspects of my life had become. I’m not going to name names, but those that know the names know the names. There’s a few bands that I’ve seen multiple times. I’ve gone from being a fan of their music and their shows, to knowing people that know them, to knowing them personally. That has morphed into being called up on stage to do backing vocals a few times (including at the legendary Stone Pony) to being invited to do backing vocals on an upcoming album. I also got to appear in a music video for another band. A friend once told me that this surrealness would wear off and I told him that don’t ever want it to, because it helps me appreciate just how amazing the entire thing is. And while having some drinks with one of the members of a band a few months ago, I was talking about how surreal all of this is for me, he said “you made this happen. You talk to people and you made this happen.” After hearing something similar from another friend a little while ealier, it was that moment when it finally clicked for me. While I’m not still a bit of an introvert, I’m also out there doing things. It’s sort of a contradiction, but it’s worked out for me in ways that I would never have imagined and’s pretty awesome.

And that brings to me something that another friend recently said to me. I told him what I’ve said recently about my life and how “there’s never been a better time to be me.” He looked at me and said “there’s where you’re wrong. There’s never been a bad time to be you.” That was a “WOW” moment for me. The only bad thing about my friend’s statement is that I really like my own phrase and want to keep using it, even if I think it’s lessened by his great affirmation.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2023 to be better than my 2022. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s achievable. But, I think it’ll require a bit more effort than I put forth in 2022. I think the biggest motivation for me to put forth all of the necessary effort is that I’m pretty sure that I’m at the point (or beyond it, depending on your perspective of “norm”) where I have no choice. I need do to more to achieve more. When I look back one year from now, I hope to have good things to say about that.

So, to summarize this entry which has taken me way too long to write, “am I better off than I was one year ago?” I think the answer is defintely yes. I have my anxieties, frustrations, and other issues, but I really do feel like I’m in a good place. And like I just said, I hope that I’ll have similar things, if not better things to say at the end of next year.





The Healing Through Years. So Obscured By the Tears and the Strain.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I’m doing well. I’m doing well. I’m doing well.

The reason that I repeated that just now is that I’ve found myself needing to remind myself lately. There’s just so much good going on with me. I’ve been a part of so many amazing moments over the past year. I’ve increased my social circle a bit over the past few months. I’ve had a lot of fun doing a lot of things. I’ve started taking steps to be healthier (physically and emotionally). There’s just so much good happening.

And yet, there’s also that lingering doubt in my mind. The doubt that creeps in when things are going well. The doubt that tells me that the good stuff isn’t going to last. The doubt that tells me that I don’t deserve to enjoy myself. The doubt that continues to make sure that I can’t fully enjoy any moment. It’s always there, even in small doses, but it’s always there.

There’s a lot of how I’ve been programmed to think, feel, and behave in various situations that I’m trying to work on. I need to re-program a lot of the wiring in my head. The reason that I have any hope at all at being successful with that is that some of the praise that’s been heaped on me by various friends has made me think more about what they’re saying instead of my usual instinctual dismissal of it.

So often, I’ve found myself justifying my relationships with the very people that I was hanging out with. I’ve often wondered “why am I here?” I’ve thought that I’m unworthy of being associated with some people. My mind has told me that I’m in over my head. But, a few times recently, that thought process was challenged by something that said to me or a situation where I felt completely welcome. That type of feeling isn’t something that I’m particularly used to, but I kind of like it.

I’ve always known that my interests aren’t usually the most popular things. And, for the most part, that’s never bothered me. I like what I like. It hasn’t always been easy to find other people who have similar likes and interests. I think that’s why I’m someone that has really thrived on social media. I’ve always managed to find groups of people to discuss stuff with. And this isn’t new for me either, I was doing it on America Online in the mid 90s. And from doing that then, there’s people that have been friends of mine ever since.

My obscure interests also have a downside. They’re definitely part of the reason that I’ve always been a bit of an outcast. I’ve been shunned a lot. But, to be honest, there’s LOTS of reasons for the shunning and the outcast thing that aren’t related to my interests. A LOT of it has to do with the amount of times that I wasn’t allowed to do anything based on parental restrictions. And this is where I start to clam up and become unwilling/unable to get into details. If/when I’m able to say more there, I will.

One of the things that I’ve told people lately is that “there’s never been a better time to be me.” And while I really do mean that when I say it, the doubting voice in my head has had me thinking about it. I’ll start to think “Really? What’s so great about now?” “How is now any different?” “You still haven’t changed anything.”
Those thoughts are there. I don’t know if I have a definitive answer, but I just know that something is different. Earlier in this entry, I said that I believe the praise of friends instead of immediately rejecting it. That alone is a HUGE difference for me.

Another word that I’ve used a lot to describe my life is “surreal.” Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around how great certain experiences have been. For a while, one of my friends has pretty much insisted that I should have a podcast or write a book at some of my experiences. I really don’t know if my stories of celebrity encounters have enough details for either of those mediums, but I’ve also recently found a forum where I can drop an anecdote about some encounter I’ve had and get a pretty good response. But, I digress…

The point about the “surrealness” of my life is that while I’m thoroughly enjoying so much of it, I’m also fully expecting it to come crashing down at any moment. I think that because I’m programmed to think it. I’m programmed to think it because of reasons that I’m not even sure of. Is it the influence of my parents and their lack of encouragement? Is it because kids in school were downright cruel to me? Do I doubt that I belong in social settings because I was shunned? Do I prefer to be by myself because it’s a defense mechanism that I built up due to being left out or do I just prefer it?

I don’t know the answers to the questions that I’ve asked. The more I think about those answers, the more my anxiety builds up. If my anxiety builds up, the doubts in my head are magnified. It’s a vicious cycle. I may know the answers one day. I’ve seen some gradual changes. The answers will come to me, just probably when I stop looking.