This may seem like an overly simplified statement, but there is nothing that you do that is more important that breathing. Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. often says “If you own your breath, you will be on your way to owning your life.” It’s taken me close to five decades to figure that out, but it’s starting to click.
When people are stressed, they’re often told to breathe. I’ve heard various Yoga instructors talk about “cleansing breaths.” None of that made sense to me until somewhat recently. How can breathing not make sense? Well, because I never thought about it.
As I’ve talked about in recent entries, I’ve been diagnosed with sleep apnea. For those that may not know, the Mayo Clinic defines sleep apnea as “a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts.” So yeah… Imagine my horror when a sleep study informed me that (on average) I would stop breathing 24 times per hour when sleeping. Thanks to my CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, I’m now averaging only 1.5 episodes per hour. The trick is to keep breathing and the machine makes the trick happen.
I attempt to run 5k races. I word it that way due to how often I stop running and start walking during those races. But, I digress. I often have to remind myself to take deep breaths during the run. My heart rate will spike and through breathing, I can get it come down a bit. I know that there’s other factors at play here, but my breath is the key to all of this.
I would tell you that I’ve started meditating, but that’s almost overstating my participation in the practice at this point. Through one program that I’m in, I downloaded a course on how to meditate. When I finally got around to attempting to learn the practice, I couldn’t figure out my password and I had trouble logging in. I was eventually able to get in and started it, but by the time I started, I was a bit frustrated and I didn’t get the full impact of the lesson. A few weeks later, I tried another program and had other, somewhat similar issues. I laughed it off and attempted to learn again. Being at one with my breath is not something that I’m particularly good at… yet.
There’s various aspects of my life that I need to improve. I have a lot of work to do. And as I said in last month’s entry, the work is SO important. Something else that I mentioned in that same entry was how recent life events have impacted my perspective on things. I believe that my need to improve, to grow, and to heal was greatly amplified by an event that recently happened. I’m not going to mention specifics of that here, since it’s not my story to tell. I’ll just say that it opened up a lot of thoughts.
The overall majority of the thoughts that were opened up were centered around the concept of attempting to fix wrongs in my life. My thoughts spiraled a lot for a while, but it always came back to the concept of “how can I fix this?” I don’t think that I’ve mentioned this in any of my entries over the past two or years, but I have been speaking to a therapist regularly. My discussions are often about current things in my life, and once the dust settles a bit, I want to start attempting to dive deeper in the root causes of things. I know how very uncomfortable that may be for me. But, I think it’s necessary. I may need to practice mindful breathing during those discussions. The trick is to keep breathing. Breathing requires work. The work is SO important.
I’m on journey. And much like the races that I mentioned earlier, there’s going to be times when I’m out of breath. There’s going to be times when my heart rate goes up a lot. This journey may cause me some anxiety. The trick is to keep breathing.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the proverbial mountain top, but my current plan is to keep climbing. I may fall a bit. I know that I’m going to have setbacks. It’s part of life. Not everything goes smoothly. But, I think I’m going in the right direction. And when times get rough, I will defer to the words of one of my favorite poets, Neil Fallon of Virginia,
“So I take a deep breath and count to ten, ain’t gonna let it get under my skin. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Think of all the nice places that I been.”
As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back at the just about completed first 47 years of my life.
At this point last year, I had just received a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I was already starting to envision how much better my future could be because of that. And almost immediately after that happened, I NEEDED to get a new car. The 24 year old Chevy Blazer that I had was on its way out. As a result of how quickly it all transpired, I was unable to put any money aside and start saving for the eventual car purchase that I planned to make. And since I did make that car purchase without a lot of money put down in advance, a good amount of the my extra (compared to last year) money is going towards payments for the car and insurance. I’m not saying that the new car is a bad thing. I know how good it is. I’m better off with it, but because of it, I’m not really getting ahead financially.
Physically, I have some work to do. I started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I saw really good results with it. I don’t know what I’m doing differently now, but the results aren’t there. In fact, I’ve gained a bit of that weight back. I think it’s going to take a more disciplined approach for me to make this happen. And as I said, I have work to do. As the great philosophers Balle and Perlis have often said, “The work is SO important.”
In recent entries, I’ve talked about some of the steps that I’ve taken to improve my overall health beyond just my weight concerns. I’ve seen improvement with some of those aspects. Others are a work in progress and may always be a work in progress.
My mental health, in particular, has been tested recently. Due to some events, I felt some of the darker urges that I’ve dealt with at various points of my life. Often in my life, I’ve felt that I’ve deserved to suffer. That feeling doesn’t come up often and it’s never motivated me to do anything drastic, and I don’t think it ever will. But, the voice in my head will tell me that I do not deserve good things, success, happiness, or even simple joys. I’m glad to say that I’ve avoided any sort of mental punishment, other than the slight shame that I feel for eating an excessive amounts of potato chips over the past week. But, for the most part, I’m doing okay right now.
Getting back to the original concept of this entry, my life and where it is right now, I’ve given a lot of thought to things in life that scare me. My past scares me. My future scares me. My present is where I exist. Existing in the present isn’t a bad thing, or at least I don’t think it is. The past dictates how I do things. The future is where I end up. But what is my future? I’m trying to figure that out. Another philosopher, Aurelian Smith, Jr. famously said “My history is not my destiny.” I need to figure out how to make that true for myself. That will require work. And we know, the work is SO important.
I’ve given a lot of thought to perspective on life recently. Well, I think about that often, but even more so lately. There’s been a few things that have increased my need to have a good perspective on life. Another quote that helps me think about perspective comes from yet another philosopher, Phillip Jack Brooks from Chicago. He said when people ask him how he’s doing, he’ll simply say “I woke up this morning.” To paraphrase more of what he said, we only have chance at (life). Any day that we wake up is good, whatever good stuff that happens throughout the rest of the day is a bonus.
I know that not every day is going to go as well as we want it to. Some days can be incredibly difficult to get through, especially for those of us that are burdened with depression or other forms of mental illness. I have depression, some anxiety, probably some attention deficit disorder, and maybe other things that haven’t been diagnosed, fleshed out, and/or treated. I deal with it to the best of my ability. I’ve felt some added pressure due to some recent events. I’ve reached out to people. They’ve been supportive. In many cases, that’s all that someone needs. But, some may need more.
I don’t want this entry to be dark and I also don’t want it to be filled with one quote after another from people that I admire, but there’s more quotes to come. I know that I’ve used this one in entries before, and sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll do a social media post says nothing more than “enjoy every sandwich.” That quote comes from Warren Zevon. He had terminal cancer and knew that he was going to die from it. There was no way around it. David Letterman had him on as a guest and asked him if he had any new knowledge or wisdom about life as a result of his diagnosis, and one of the things that he said was “enjoy every sandwich.” To me, there’s no better perspective on life than something so simple.
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” This quote (which will likely be the last one that I use in this entry) comes from a Gallifreyan Doctor. It’s another way of saying what I think the theme of this entry has become.
So, where am I? I’m someone that is scared by his past and his future. I do my best to enjoy the present. I’m aware of my fears. How do I deal with them? How do I overcome them? I do not have those answers. And believe it or not, that doesn’t scare me.
Thanks to the CPAP that I spoke to about in my most recent previous entry, I have the chance to get better sleep than I used to. That also means that I’ll potentially wake up with more energy than I’ve been used to having. So, not only will I wake up, but I’ll have more energy? Based on what I’ve said in this entry, I’m already ahead of the game. If I include something like a good sandwich (or maybe chicken wings) later in my day, I’m doing so well.
It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. My perspective on life is pretty good, I think. I still need to work on dedicating myself to find the motivation to do all of the work that I need to do so I can meet the goal of talking about how much better I am in one year. And through perspective thrust upon me by events in life, the rose colored hindsight glasses have shown me that things that may have been bad weren’t really as bad as I thought they were. They may not have been as good as I had liked, but they weren’t as bad. They’ve also shown me there’s a lot of work to do. But one day, I’ll wake up and I’ll see that the so important work has paid off. I may have an excellent sandwich that day. If that happens, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell in one year.
For the past few months, my entries have dealt with my health and some concerns that I had about it. This entry will also deal with that, but I think it may go a little deeper. It’s one thing to have questions about your health, it’s another thing to have some answers, and it’s even better when you’re on the track to improving things.
My March entry discussed how I had no energy. I said that it was more than tired. I could have slept all day, but I would still have no energy. It almost didn’t matter how much I slept. But, as it turns out, I may not have been sleeping. Discussing my lack of energy with my primary doctor, it was suggested that I take part in a sleep study. I did that and the diagnosis came back that I have sleep apnea. I’m on the higher end of the moderate side of it, closing in severe. As soon as I heard that diagnosis, I became so much more calm than I was before. The diagnosis for the issue didn’t cure it, but it did alleviate anxiety related to it.
So, where does that leave me now? Well, for the past two weeks, I’ve been using a CPAP when I sleep. And while I’m still getting used to it and I still wake up in the middle of the night, I have been able to wake up and be more functional in the morning. That alone is a big deal.
The thought of wearing the CPAP mask to sleep brought up some childhood memories that weren’t pleasant. When I was younger, I had two buck teeth and a pronounced overbite. I got braces to deal with the teeth. But, in addition to the braces, my orthodontist gave me a bite plate and headgear to help with the overbite. I was supposed to wear the headgear a lot more than I did. I was terrified of going to school with it. I knew what was coming if I did. And I was right. I was relentlessly mocked for wearing it and I never wore it to school again. In one day, probably a small portion of the day, progress that I needed to make for my health was stunted due to school bullies.
The CPAP isn’t the only thing that I use for my health. I am quite vitamin D deficient, so I take pills for that every day. I suffer from dry eye syndrome, so I use prescribed eye drops for that twice per day. I use a prescribed nasal spray daily to alleviate pressure in my ears. I also recently got custom orthotics made to help deal with my flat feet. The orthotics have already made a noticeable difference. I have significantly less discomfort in the one foot that was mostly impacted by this and that could also lead to my knee and hip having less issues.
Why am I sharing all of this, besides just for the sake of content? It’s not because I want a common theme in my entries from month to month, although, that’s not a bad idea. It’s not because I had nothing else to write about, which is partially true. It’s mostly because there’s nothing wrong with getting help. Doctors exist to help us. Eye drops, orthotics, dental contraptions, and CPAPS are all useful things. There should be no shame felt for any of this. Anyone that makes you feel lesser than for needing any of them is an ass.
As I hinted at in my most recent prior entry, I have seen first hand what could happen to someone who doesn’t listen to doctors or go to them for anything. I don’t want to follow that example. I want to make sure that I can do the things that I need to do in order to be not just healthier, but better. I think I’ve taken the right steps and I’m going in the right direction.
My immediate goal is to get used to using the CPAP. From there, I should start to see my energy levels increase, since the use of it should enhance the quality of my sleep. When that is achieved, with my new levels of energy, I can probably get more accomplished in a day including more impactful workouts. And since I have my custom orthotics in my shoes now, I should be doing less damage to my feet, knees, and hips if I do some cardio work.
One of the things that various doctors have told me is that some of the issues that I have could improve if I were to lose some weight. That’s been a struggle for me lately. Some people that know me may think that I haven’t put forth a lot of effort in that area recently, but the truth is that I haven’t had the energy to do as many workouts as I would like to have done. I truly believe that everything that I’ve discussed here today should help me get to where I need to be physically. And I also hope that when I start to see and feel more physical results, that my mental health will improve a bit too. It’s nice to know why things are the way they are. And as members of GI Joe often said, “knowing is half the battle.”
This entry will not be one with many edits. I’m going to write it and post it. It is not going to linger in my draft bin and wait for me to finalize it. I’m writing this on April 30, 2024. It may have somewhat of a dark tone to it, but I want to attempt to end it on a positive note. I also know very clearly that if I had written it yesterday, it would be a lot darker.
April 29th is not my favorite day of the calendar year. In fact, it’s my least favorite. While I do enjoy being able to make references to a song that I really (Downset’s “Anger”) all throughout the day, there’s something else weighs on me quite a bit for the past few years. I’m not going to go deep into that particular topic in this entry, but I will say that it’s been covered in previous entries.
My most recent post was centered around my lack of energy and my desire to fix things. I said that I would put forth some effort in making some changes in my life and hopefully getting some positive results. I would like to say that I did some of that. I don’t feel like April was a waste. I got some stuff done.
I’ve talked about my desire to be healthier. I really do want to feel better. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Any way that I can feel better. I’m also very much aware that I cannot do it on my own and that I need guidance and more awareness than I’ve had.
Everything that I’ve said in this entry ties together here: One of the main reasons that April 29th is such a bad day is because some things cannot be fixed if you don’t know what’s wrong. I am attempting to find out what is wrong. And yesterday, on a day when I’m constantly reminded of past issues, I was told of something that I need to address. Don’t be alarmed by reading that. It’s nothing that requires any procedures or anything like that, it’s basically just something that I’m going to need some assistance with and once I get that assistance, my quality of life could improve a bit. I am being intentionally vague.
Many years ago when I worked in the wonderful world of retail, I was told about “Dashboard Management.” As a supervisor, I cannot get my department going in the right direction if I don’t pay attention to the data on the dashboard and guide the department towards our goals. While I’ve been out of retail for a few years (and grateful for it), I’ve never forgotten that lesson and now I see how I can apply it to myself. I cannot guide myself towards a healthier goal without knowing what I specifically need to address.
Over the past few months, I’ve visited with various types of doctors, some for the very first time. And again, I’ll state that this isn’t anything to alarm anyone. I’m in the last stages of my mid-40s and since I’m lucky enough to have good health insurance, I’m not worried about the expense of medical bills, so I’m going to see whatever medical professional that I think I should see to get some answers. In some of these cases, I’m going to see some doctors because I’ve never seen someone in their particular field before.
How can I get to where I should be if I don’t know where I am?
Another thought that popped into my head while pondering this entry is how much better off I could be in life if the authority figures of my childhood (parents, teachers, counselors) had bothered to address or diagnose some of my issues instead of just labeling me. Was I lazy as a child? Maybe. But, why was I lazy? Was it due to depression and/or some form of attention deficit disorder? Probably. But, did I know that then? No, and even though there were clear signs of depression that I can see via hindsight, nobody did anything to address it. I went to guidance counsellors and teachers for help at times. Instead of getting that help, I was made to feel worse about feeling bad.
Situations like that made me not want to seek help.
I couldn’t go to my parents for help. They were too busy ignoring their own problems to address mine.
What I just said about my parents, while tongue in cheek, is very serious and a major part of what brings me here today with this entry. They ignored their problems. It didn’t matter how much an issue was poking them, they did not/do not address them. No matter how many times something is pointed out, it is ignored.
How can they fix things if they’re unaware? How can they fix things that they choose to ignore? How can they fix things if they simply don’t want to?
I want to fix things. I want to be aware. The expression “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” is complete crap. It can kill you. I’ve become all too aware of that. It can be argued that I haven’t learned much from my past, but I’ve learned some things. And some of those things have been (vaguely) discussed here. I want to be healthy. I need to be. It’s a journey and my dashboard is lighting up.
I am exhausted. It’s more than tired. It’s not having energy. It’s not having motivation. It’s just constant fatigue. It takes me too much effort just to get out of bed every day. What I do from there is almost limited only to what I have to do. Even though I do schedule and plan a lot of things, if it’s nothing something that’s absolutely necessary, I may not do it.
Now that I’ve scared all of you, let me assure you that I’m in the process of addressing my own concerns. I’m also going to make some changes. I’m not quite sure what all of them are yet, but changes are coming. They have to.
There’s not one particular thing that’s been an issue for me lately, other than my usual concerns about life. But, the little things have been getting to me a bit more than usual and they’ve been weighing me down. I’m capable of going out and having a good time, but it’s really like I’m going through the motions with that. I’m stressed. I’m tired. I feel like there’s a lot bottled up. I’m not sure what’s wrong.
I think a theme of this entry is going to be one paragraph describing doom and the next talking about remedies. Just over two years ago, I wrote an entry about starting over. My mindset is currently the same. A new month starts in a few days and with that new month will begin a new dedication. I may have to force myself to do things, but I’m almost at the point where I see no choice.
My lack of motivation to get things done makes me upset that I haven’t gotten things done. Not getting things done kills my motivation to do things. It’s something that I NEED to work on. I don’t know how to do it, especially with my lack of energy. Would I have more energy if I was more active? But can I be more active without energy?
My gym visits used to be specific to the amount of machines that I used. Once I completed that goal and got through a specific amount of time on some form of cardio machine, I would be done there. The length of my gym visits now are determined by how late it is. In my mind, I need to leave there by a certain time, but there’s no reason for it.
Since I’ve passed 40 years of age, I’ve used my age as the reason (possibly excuse) as to why I’m not able to do things like I used to. When I was 39, I was working a job that required me to be there at 6am, sometimes earlier. I would wake up around 4, do a 30ish minute workout in my house before I left for work, and then go to a gym afterwards. I ran various times per week and ALL of the top 10 5k race finish times that I have were when I was 39. Did my metabolism slow down as much as I’ve joked it has since I hit 40? That was almost 8 years ago. Are things just going to get worse?
I know that some of what I’m saying here can be taken as making excuses. I’m not seeing that way, why would I? I’m the one making the excuses, right? No, I’m not. I’m the one that is trying to figure out what’s going on and is committed to making the changes that I need to make. My health depends on it.
I’m prepared to try new methods. As I said earlier, if I have to force myself to do things, I will. Whatever I’ve been doing lately, and by lately, I mean for the past few years, hasn’t been working. I just need to convince myself that I HAVE TO do it, and then I will. I’m good at meeting obligations. I’m not as good with things that I choose to do.
I just turned on a channel that plays music/sounds that are labeled “Zen.” I thought that they would help me concentrate on this since my attention span is awful right now. I was wrong. That channel annoyed me.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, there’s a decent amount of things in my life that I cannot control and they do place a burden on me. Those things probably do limit my ability to fully enjoy things, even if I’m not directly dealing with them all of them the time. Maybe if I find a way to worry less about them and more about what I can control, I’ll be on the right track.
I know that this entry has more questions than answers. I’m asking a lot of maybes and what-ifs. I’m not necessarily providing solutions. But, I really don’t know what the solutions are right now. Over the next few days, I’m going to try to do a few things a little bit differently and we’ll see how it goes.
If anyone reads this and thinks that this a darker entry for me, it’s really not. This is me talking out loud (in typing form) and putting my thoughts out there. This is not a cry for help or attention. But, this is also not me refusing help. I’m open to suggestions. As I said earlier, a new month is just a few days away. I’m going to do a trial run of my methods for a few days and start them for real when the new month begins. I’ll report back in one month. At least, if I word things like that, at the very least I’ll my motivation to write something next month. For now, I may just have another nap.
Perspective is a good thing. But, it’s not always easy to see that. I’ve had a few bad days in a row. But, have I really? A few things that are out of my control have impacted me. If you combine that with other things that were stressing me out, and you have me feeling like I’m on the verge of snapping. But, for what? I’ve had much worse days than the last few have been. I’ve encountered much worse scenarios than I’ve dealt with over the last few days. I like to remind myself of that.
At my job, I feel somewhat overworked at times, but I also know that it’s the best job that I’ve ever had. I’m paid better than I’ve ever been before. I have the best health benefits that I could hope for. The job is good. A day or two of a heavy workload isn’t a bad thing. And while I walked into work today a little bit on edge after dealing with a few days in a row that annoyed me, a co-worker told me that he’s heard people talking about how great my work ethic is. My mood changed a bit after that. In fact, that one brief conversation probably changed the entire course of my day and this blog entry.
My problems are my problems. They’re not yours. We all have unique situations, regardless of how similar they may be. I’m also a firm believer of someone having to feel what they need to feel in the moment. If you need to be sad, be sad. Get it out of your system. If you’re angry, be angry. Get it out of your system. It’s the best way to get through it, even if it’s only temporarily.
Looking back on my younger days when I thought that whatever I was going through was rough, I sometime laugh about how simple I had it back then. My younger self would be horrified to hear what the older version of me has gone through. That brings me back to the concept of perspective and how good it is to understand it. Just because my younger self went through things that seem trivial now, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t a big deal to me then.
So yeah, I’ve been stressed about various things recently. I haven’t been able to get nearly as much done as I would have liked to in the first month of the year. I feel like I’m always behind in my goals (at least the few that I seem to have). Playing catch-up is another thing that can cause me stress. I just have to remind myself that forward progress is forward progress. The speed of it may not be relevant.
I run 5k races from time to time. Or at least, I participate in them. The running part is debatable. But, I digress. Those races have taught me that starting something and finishing it is rewarding. Even my slower finishes (and most of my recent ones have been my slower ones) have me accomplishing something that I’m proud of. I think the point of this has something more to do with perspective.
I had no idea what I was going to write about when I started this. This process stressed me out a little bit today. I’ve committed myself to writing (at least) one entry per month and since I don’t do well with deadlines, that’s why there’s usually towards the very end of each month. But think about that, this little unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) task bothered me. Why? It’s about a goal. I like accomplishing them.
But, what goals do I have in life? I’m so far behind where most people of my age are. Should that bother me more? I’m aware of how much worse things could be for me than they are now. I’m also aware that they could be better. Should I focus on either of those perspectives?
Right now, at this very moment, I’m going to focus on wrapping up this entry. I’m then shortly after that, I’m going to wrap up my day. With any luck, I’ll get a decent amount of sleep. And from there, in the morning, I can start fresh. A new day. A new month. A new start.
I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.
I managed to get through 2023 without any health issues. I had my share of sinus related problems, as I always do, but that was it. I had started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I did really well with it for a while, but as it often happens with these things, I had a setback and I’ve put on some of the pounds that I had lost. One of my goals for 2024 is to not only lose all of the weight that I had gained, but to get to my actual goal weight, which I was closing in on during 2023. I was so close, yet so far.
As the world continues to open up to “normal” activities coming, a lot of local towns started having their 5ks again. Some are still skipping them and some just aren’t going to happen any more. I was able to compete in five of them during the year. None of the finishes during those races were my all-time slowest, but they were all some of my slowest. I’m not upset about that because it’s always a good thing when I finish a race, but I would like better results. That is a goal for 2024, and it ties together with the weight loss and fitness. And like many years, except 2021, I was not able to successfully do a DDPY Black Crow. Maybe I’ll put more effort into that as well.
Since I’ve enrolled in a book reading challenge, 2022 was the only year that I was able to meet my goal of reading 12 books or more during the calendar year. 2022 is still the only year that I’ve met that goal. I was only able to get 8 books completed in 2023. I’ll find ways to meet the goal in 2024.
Nothing stresses me out more easily or frequently than my financial situation. But, 2023 saw a change there that has alleviated some of the stress. In June, I was given a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I started to think of plans of what to do with the money. The plan was to save up to have enough to make a nice first payment on a new car. The car that I was driving was a 1999 Chevy Blazer that I had since July of 2000. I started with that car with 11,161 miles and ended with 268,331. Yes, it ended. The air conditioner in it died and I was told that it wasn’t worth fixing. So, my plan was thrown off and I had to scramble to get a new car, which I did. So, while I make more money, I’m making car payments now. I wasn’t completely prepared for it. But, while I’m able to afford it, it did set me back a bit. My number one goal is 2024 is to get my finances in order. I know that will require me to (possibly) cut back on some things. I often talk about balance. There’s usually a very big high in my life followed by a very big low. I don’t want that with my fiances in 2024. I just want balance. As in balanced books, accounts, etc.
My social life in 2023 was really good. Seriously good. And it wasn’t just good because of the people in my life, I think it was good because of my appreciation for things. I’ve really begun to appreciate my people a bit more. I think there’s various reasons for that, but overall, it was a very good year for me. And if you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of it. No matter how big or small of a part that you played.
So many times over the last few years, I said that my life had become surreal. It’s still quite surreal, but as I just said about my social life, I have such an appreciation for the surrealness. The surrealness is becoming part of my normal. I get to be a part of things that wouldn’t have seemed possible to me a few years ago. Now, I’m a part of so much and it’s amazing to me how much of I enjoy right now is directly from the 1990s. While that may cover a lot of ground, and I don’t have the time to get into specifics of it, since it would take a long time to type and I don’t want to bore anyone that bothers to read this. But, seriously, I can pinpoint various things from the early-mid 1990s and they’ve somehow led me directly to where I am today.
I’ve appeared in various music videos over the past two years. I’ve done backing vocals on an album. I’ve reconnected with friends. I’ve strengthened friendships. I’ve created new ones. I’ve really enjoyed it all.
And while on the subject of the 1990s, I started reading comic books again during the year. But, in order to not have more collections of things, I’ve been reading the digital versions, and I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying being back in that world again. Of course what I’ve been reading is mostly the new versions of stuff that I enjoyed in my younger days. But, it’s just so good to have it all be new again.
My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2024 to be better than my 2023. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s achievable. But, I think it’ll require a bit more effort than I put forth in 2023. I think the biggest motivation for me to put forth all of the necessary effort is that I’m pretty sure that I’m at the point (or beyond it, depending on your perspective of “norm”) where I have no choice. I need do to more to achieve more. When I look back one year from now, I hope to have good things to say about that. And moreso than other years, I think I’m in a good position to get it done. And, I think that I have more support and ability than I’ve had before. There’s 366 days in 2024. That gives me ONE MORE DAY to make it all happen.
1 – Katatonia – Sky Void of Stars 2 – Host – IX 3 – Dog Eat Dog – Free Radicals 4 – Dorthia Cottrell – Death Folk Country 5 – Bruce Soord – Luminescence 6 – Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks – Longing For Oblivion 7 – Within Temptation – Bleed Out 8 – Laid Back Country Picker - Go West 9 – Oxbow – Love’s Holiday 10 – Kings Never Die – All the Rats
From the moment that I heard the first notes of Katatonia’s Sky Void of Stars, I knew it would be ranked very high in this list. I’ve written about their influence on me a few times. You can read more about it by clicking here if you’re so inclined. I purposely didn’t listen to much of anything from this album before it was released, other than the few songs that they had put out as singles in late 2022. I’ve often gotten emotional while hearing their songs, especially when I see them live. Yes, their music impacts me THAT MUCH. But, with Sky Void of Stars, it wasn’t their lyrics that first gave me goosebumps, it was when I heard THEIR familiar guitar sound at about the one minute mark of the second song of the album, “Colossal Shade.” I knew that I was listening to something special just from that moment. As for the rest of the album, it is classic Katatonia. And by classic, I mean it should be thought of as one of their better albums. It’s that good.
Other than the already mentioned “Colossal Shade,” I really think that “Atrium,” “Austerity,” “Birds,” and especially “Author” stand out as some of the better songs on this album, which for the record, marks the 3rd time that I’ve given Album of the Year to Katatonia in the 20 years that I’ve been doing these lists. No other band has more than two Albums of the Year from me, which ties directly to the 2nd Best Album of 2023.
In 1999, Paradise Lost put out an album that a lot of fans and critics weren’t too crazy about, Host. I’ve ALWAYS liked that album. It was by far more electronic and less metal than Paradise Lost had previously done, but it fit within the direction that they were going at the time and if you listen to their progression, Host made sense. And regardless of what anyone else thought of it, Paradise Lost’s founders Nick Holmes and Gregor Mackintosh surprised the world by putting out a new album under the band name Host. The debut from Host, called IX, picks up exactly where Paradise Lost’s Host left off and is nine of the best songs that I never knew I needed. Seriously. I had often joked that I would love to hear Paradise Lost do more Host stuff, but for the most part, they ignore it. But, the Host project has filled that void for me. I can’t say enough good things about it.
Songs that I recommend from IX include “Wretched Soul,” “Tomorrow’s Sky,” “Hiding from Tomorrow,” and “My Only Escape.” And also, if you get the deluxe edition of the album, their cover of “I Ran.”
This is the 20th time that I’ve done a list of the Top Albums of a Year. If at any point since I started this in 2004, you had told me that Dog Eat Dog would release an album that would have distribution in the United States I would say “well, I really hope so.” If you had told me that not only would Dog Eat Dog put out an album in 2023 with US distribution, but I would be on it, I would probably have a lot of doubt and profanity in my reply. But, both are true. Dog Eat Dog released Free Radicals, their first full-length album since 2006’s Walk with Me and the first one that has been readily available in the US since 1996’s Play Games. And, as I hinted at, I am on the album. Yes, I was invited to participate in the Gang Vocals recording session, so my voice (along with a few others) is included in the choruses of some of the songs on the album. While this album does have a deep personal connection for me, I also believe that it would still be ranked this high if I did not have a part in it. It’s a good album. I’m proud of my (small) contribution to the album and proud that it’s ranked so high.
Some of my favorites from Free Radicals include “Lit Up,” “Never Give In,” “Time Won’t Wait,” ” @Joe’s,” and “Man’s Best Friend.”
The fourth Best Album of the Year is from an artist that I had never heard of until she was suggested by YouTube. Dorthia Cottrell is the singer for American Doom Metal band Windhand. And while I’m aware of them now, Cottrell’s solo album Death Folk Country is the one that was suggested to me and I immediately took a liking to it. This is really one of those albums that was designed to be listened to from beginning to end. I’ve enjoyed having it on in the background while I’m doing work and even while I’m driving. It’s solid from beginning to end and has a somewhat unique sound to it.
Even though I said that the album should be listened to from beginning to end, “Harvester” and “Family Annihilator” are probably my favorite songs.
Bruce Soord has appeared in my Top 10 lists before. His 2013 collaboration with Katatonia’s Jonas Renske, Wisdom of Crowds, was that year’s Album of the Year. He’s also appeared with his group, the Pineapple Thief. But, this is the first time that he’s on here with his solo stuff. Luminescence is such a solid album from beginning to end. If you’re not aware of Soord, but you like Porcupine Tree or Katatonia’s more recent albums, you should check out his work.
“Lie Flat” is my favorite song from Luminescence, but “Dear Life,” “Never Ending Light,” and “Stranded Here” are also good ones.
Like Bruce Soord, Lonesome Wyatt has appeared in my lists before, but not with his solo act. His other band Those Poor Bastards has been in the list of a few times. I’ve found Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks’ albums to be missing something in the past. But, 2023’s Longing For Oblivion is not lacking. It’s got everything that I like from Wyatt’s voice and the style that’s similar enough to Those Poor Bastards, but still distinct.
The albums title track, “Counting,” Walking Shadow,” “Something Out There” and especially “Time Makes Monsters” are the songs that I recommend.
Within Temptation is pretty consistent with their albums. I don’t think that they haven’t been ranked since I’ve been doing these lists and their 2011 album, the Unforgiving, was the Album of the Year. Don’t think that because Bleed Out is ranked 7th that it’s a slacker. It’s a very good album, but it just had better ones ahead of it this year.
Check out “We Go to War,” “Worth Dying For,” and the title track, which I really like.
Another act that is making his debut on my list is Laid Back Country Picker with his album “Go West. Laid Back Country Picker is described as “devoid of genre, pure music with one foot in the truckstop, the other in 1970s guitar rawk. Playing country music and treating people right.” And, I think that’s pretty accurate. From his unique look, his drummer and her unique look, and their unique sound, this was another pleasant suggestion by YouTube.
I recommend the title track, “Cooper,” and “LB’s Truth/Civillian Vic” as songs to search for.
The 9th Best Album of 2023 is from another band making their debut in my list, Love’s Holiday by Oxbow. I’m not certain, but I’m guessing that they were suggested to me by YouTube because they’re on Mike Patton’s Ipecac records. But, regardless of how I discovered them, I’m glad that I did. They’ve been around since 1989 and I may need to go back to and listen to some of their experimental noise.
Some of my favorite songs from Love’s Holiday include the opening track “Dead Ahead,” “The Night the Room Started Burning,” and especially “Lovely Murk.”
The 10th and final spot in my Countdown is one more band that is making their debut in my list, Kings Never Die. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing these guys perform live multiple times over the past few years and I’ve seen their evolution from when they started. Their debut full length album All the Rats is a solid hardcore record. But, what do you expect from a band that includes members of Mucky Pup/Dog Eat Dog, Murphy’s Law, Robots & Monsters, Wisdom in Chains, and Biohazard?
Songs that I think really stand out from All the Rats include “Were We Friends at All?,” “Side by Side,” “Stand for it All,” and my favorite song from them “Make Them Anymore.”
There were a lot of good albums in 2023. Some others could easily have been listed in my Top 10. Here is a listing of other albums that came out during the year (in alphabetical order by artist):
– Corey Taylor – CMF2 – I thought this was much better than CMFT. It had more focus and direction. – The Dark Side of the Moon – Metamorphosis – It got my attention, but didn’t keep it. – Dave Neabore – Star Feels – A very good EP, but it doesn’t qualify for Album of the Year. – Depeche Mode – Momento Mori – This was solid, but not great. – Duff McKagan – Lighthouse – I wasn’t familiar his solo work. I liked this album and will listen to more of his stuff. – Gov’t Mule – Peace… Like a River – Warren Haynes and crew are always good, but I need more from them if they’re going to crack the Top 10. – Incendiary Device – Incendiary Device – A decent hardcore album with short songs. – Invent Animate – Heavener – A good album by a band that I didn’t know before but want to hear more of. – King Dude – Nursery Rhymes – This was a very interesting and weird album. – Metallica – 72 Seasons – By Metallica standards, this was good, but not great. – Orbit Culture – Descent – see Invent Animate – Steven Wilson – Harmony Codex – Wilson’s solo albums are often more experimental than I can deal with, and after reuniting with Porcupine Tree and releasing album album last year, I want more of the Porcupine Tree sound. – Terrify – Side Effect – Another good hardcore album. – Troller – Drain – A dance/electronic band with a goth hint. I’ve heard a few things from them that I’ve liked. I think they’re good to play in the background.
I don’t know who will be releasing albums in 2024 other than Scott H. Biram, IDLES, Ministry, Per Wiberg, and Gost. I also know that Dark Tranquillity and 2016’s Album of Year winner, Lacuna Coil are working on things now. I’m hoping to hear good things from all of acts that I’ve mentioned and I also hope to find a lot of new acts, like I did this year.
A note about eligibility for my 2023 Album of the Year: – the album must have had a United States release date in 2023. – the album must be new material (for the band or artist). – live albums are only eligible if they’re new material.
Very recently, I received a text from someone asking me if I enjoyed a particular Professional Wrestling show. That text confused me. When it was explained that my interests matter, it got me thinking about why that wasn’t normal to me. And thus, we have this blog entry.
Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Professional Wrestling, loud music, and various other things were the interests that I had as a kid that I was told were stupid and not worth my time. I was made to feel less than for liking them. Some of the things that I liked were mocked by classmates of mine. Just about all of them were belittled by my parents. It does a lot of damage to someone’s self esteem when they’re often told that the things they like are not worth it. It’s even worse when it’s everywhere.
As someone that is “middle aged” now, all of the things that I listed at the start of this are still my interests. I’m thrilled that Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and other pop culture things that I liked when I was a kid are going strong today. And I’m even more thrilled that I’m now able to freely enjoy them without the ridicule that I used to endure.
It’s not that there aren’t people out there that will mock those things or the people that like them, but I’ve now found outlets to discuss them and enjoy them with other people. I know everyone has different experiences in the world of Social Media, but I’ve found it to be a valuable tool for me. I have forums to go to for almost all of my interests. And I find it to be very good for me.
I’ve grown up a bit (finally). That doesn’t mean that I need to stop liking the things that I liked when I was 40 years younger. To me, it means that I’ve finally realized that it’s okay to like whatever you like and do whatever you want to do, as long is it’s not harmful to yourself or anyone else. Yes, that last sentence goes beyond enjoying random sci-fi TV shows.
As a kid, I didn’t really have any choice in the people that I interacted with on a daily basis. I would get mocked at school. I would be criticized at home. I had no outlet. If I was mocked at school for liking something that I was also criticized at home for liking, it made me feel ashamed of the things that I liked. Nobody should be embarrassed for having an interest or a passion for a TV show or movie. But, that’s what was done to me.
Realizing that I now have choices as to who I associate with, it’s very freeing.
I’ll be completely honest. There’s a lot of genres of entertainment that I don’t understand. I have friends that like things that I’m not interested in. How does it benefit anyone if I insulted those things or mock those friends for liking them? It would probably make those friends not like me, or at the very least not want to talk about them with me. And knowing how I’ve felt when it’s been done to me, I wouldn’t want to do it to anyone else.
Unfortunately for me, as much as I’ve said that it’s good that I have the outlets to discuss things with people now, so much damage was done for so long that I find it odd when anyone encourages me to share my interests with them. I should not be taken aback when someone texts me to ask me if I enjoyed the wrestling show that I watched the previous night.
I feel that my interests play a huge part in my identity. They partly define me. The belittling in my younger days helped cause the low self esteem that plagued much of my life. I’ve been in a good mental place for a long time now. Being allowed to be me and realizing that the overall majority of people in my life accept, like, encourage, and even share my interests is a good thing.
Everyone needs to find their thing and not be ashamed. I no longer feel ashamed of who I am. I no longer feel embarrassed or scared to discuss the things that I enjoy. I’m finally at the point where I’m proud of all of it. It took me a long time, and I didn’t do it alone. And I think that’s really the point of all of this. Encouragement really does go a long way and is so much better than the alternative.
Over the past few days I’ve been given some thought to what I deserve and what I’ve earned. For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time believing that I deserve good things or that I deserve to be happy. As I’ve gotten older and (hopefully) wiser, I’ve wondered if this is nature or nurture, which is a topic that I’ve brought up a few times in my entries.
Whenever I think about me not deserving good things, one specific memory comes to me. For one of my birthdays, I don’t know which one exactly, but I don’t think I was a teenager yet, I was told that I would be getting a television. I remember the TV very clearly. It was tan with a black and white picture. It still had knobs and an antenna. But, the story isn’t that I was gifted a TV. The story is that I protested it. Not because I wanted something different, but because I didn’t deserve it. Or at least, that’s what I kept telling my parents. I don’t know what triggered my lack of worth there, but I remember being very adamant about not being worthy of such a gift.
A different example of a time when I felt a need to suffer was later in life. If I have the timeframe correct, I had just turned 30 and had recently received some bad news. I remember locking myself in my room all day, with the lights out, the air conditioner not turned on (in late July), and just watching some movies. But, this wasn’t for enjoyment. This was designed to make myself feel worse and to deepen my depression. I felt a sense of satisfaction for this one though, because I succeeded in making myself suffer more by not being comfortable all day.
Where does this come from? Why have I been like this? My parents definitely contributed. But, again, is it nature or nurture? One of them attempted treatment for mental health issues. The other wouldn’t acknowledge they exist. Their own issues would get projected upon me, but also the way they treated me would add to it. Is that nature? Is that nurture? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth trying to figure out.
It wasn’t just my parents. I had a difficult time in school. While I was struggling with undiagnosed social anxieties and probably attention deficit issues, I would be mocked by classmates, put down by teachers, and punished by parents. In some ways, I was being punished just for being me.
I don’t know how in-depth that I want to get into some things here because I can already feel my anxiety rising just by what I’ve typed already. Yes, I know that it means that I’m touching on issues that I probably need to discuss more often, but I don’t know if now is the time.
Changing gears slightly, but keeping on topic, over the past few years, I’ve found new levels of comfort, enjoyment, and even some happiness. I say “some happiness” because I think “happy” is a like the platinum level of joy that I rarely attain. Although, then again maybe my programming doesn’t allow me to feel true happiness. See, I can’t get too far from the original topic in this entry.
As I attempt to keep on the positive note that I started in the last paragraph, I’m really grateful for a few people that have pointed out (some multiple times) how good that they think I have it, how the things I do are actually interesting, how I’ve lived a fun life, and how I’m doing good things. What I’ve realized about their observations about me is that the things that they’re talking about aren’t things that have happened recently, they’re things that have been happening for a while. In some cases, decades. But, I haven’t been able to fully enjoy them due to my inability to feel happiness and my need to suffer.
But here’s the thing, I’ve truly had some great moments over the past few years. I’ve often mentioned how “surreal” that certain aspects of my life are. I have such an appreciation for where I am now. I’m starting to believe that good things are actually good. I’m starting to believe that I’m allowed to have good things. Do I deserve this? I don’t know. Have I earned it? Maybe.
I’ve also noticed that the more and more that I do the things that I enjoy, the less that I doubt that I should be doing them. The less that I doubt, the more that I want to do. However, with all of that is still the voice in my head that reminds me that I “can’t” and that quitting is easier. I don’t hear that voice as much as I used to, but it’s still there.
Social media has been a great thing for me. From my days on AOL in the 1990s, to MySpace in the aughts, Facebook and others sites in 2010s and onward, they’ve helped me connect to people that have similar interests and needs. I’ve made legitimate lifelong friends from social media. And I think the point that I’m trying to make here is that by surrounding myself (even in a virtual world) with people who encourage me to be me instead of mocking me, putting me down, or insulting me for being me is what I needed all along. Who knows?
Maybe I should give less thought to where I’ve been and worry more about where I am now. Notice that I said “worry about where I am now” instead of focus. But regardless of how I worded that last sentence, I don’t want to not think about where I’ve been. Good, bad, or indifferent, where I’ve been got to me to where I am. And where I am is good. Or at least, it’s a lot better than it’s been before, and I want to stay here. I think I deserve it. Maybe, I’ve earned it.
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