Category Archives: Professional Wrestling

Spray-on Clothes and Diamond Jaws. Wrinkles Smoothed by Nanoclaws.

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I was on the treadmill the other day, which, if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you’ll know is a victory in itself. The struggle for consistency is a battle I fight daily, and some days, the snooze button wins. On this particular day, however, I had the right music on—some mid-90s alternative rock—and I was feeling pretty good, right up until the point where my knee started to remind me, quite forcefully, that I’m no longer a spry kid running in the park.

It’s always something, isn’t it? Just as one thing starts to click into place—the new running shoes are finally broken in, I’ve managed three solid days of mindful eating, I even finished that time management book I started months ago (the irony is not lost on me)—something else has to pop up to test my commitment. It’s my own personal, real-life quest for balance, and the world seems determined to keep the scales tipped wildly in all the wrong directions.

I’ve written about this before, about how for every personal win, there’s a setback waiting in the wings. It’s like a pro-wrestling script where the face (me, trying to be healthy) finally gets some momentum, only for the heel (Anxiety, physical pain, general malaise) to hit a cheap shot with a folding chair. Wham! Momentum instantly gone.

This time, it’s a new orthotic insert causing a different kind of foot pain, which then puts more strain on the knee that was already an “area of opportunity.” I laughed at the corporate jargon term when I was in retail, but now I see my life is just a series of those areas. Weight loss, time management, sleep quality—all opportunities for improvement.

The important thing, I’m trying to tell myself, is to not let the setback become the story. The pain is real, and it needs attention, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop moving. Maybe the new “remix” of my resolution is to swap the high-impact treadmill for some good, low-impact DDP Yoga for a few weeks. That’s the beauty of having so many tools at my disposal, I just have to remember to use them and not let the inertia of a temporary issue turn into a permanent block.

Because as I’ve learned from watching my favorite action heroes and villains, a good plan can always be adapted. Cobra Commander had a million schemes, and G.I. Joe always had to adjust on the fly. And hey, even if I have to scale back today’s workout, the simple fact that I put my thoughts into words here is a victory, right?

I’m working on seeing the opportunity, not the failure. I’m working on me.

Everything above here in this entry was written by AI. I asked Google Gemini to write a blog entry that sounds like me. It did. The amount of specific things that are mentioned is a bit marvelous and frightening at the same time. The Internet is a wonderful tool. AI is a wonderful tool. Sometimes I wonder if our technology is getting too smart for our own good.

I will be back in December with my 2025 Album of the Year blog entry and my usual year-end entry. And yes, I will have personally written them.

To Vanish for Life and Promise to Stay.

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Just two months ago, I wrote an entry about the gratitude that I have for friendships. It touched on a few other things, but the inspiration for that entry was a brief conversation with a friend that I knew through running local 5k races. A few weeks ago, I read a post on Facebook that stated that 5k friend had died. I was (and still am) crushed. He had a heart attack at the very start of a race and that was it. That was a not so subtle reminder of how quickly everything can change.

I’ve definitely had my share of loss. I battle depression. I have anxieties. I’ve been dealing with all of that for years. Being down for so long and not having much to show for anything has made me appreciate so much of what I do have. I have so much gratitude for being here. I have gratitude for the things that I do. I have gratitude for my friends. I’m just very grateful. Perspective keeps me grounded, I believe. But, as obvious by what I said at the start of this entry, bad things can happen. And also, as I’ve often said in entries, it’s another reminder to “enjoy every sandwich” and take nothing for granted.

At one point last year I was at a Professional Wrestling show. I was talking about how grateful I was for the privilege of being gifted those seats and how surreal things can be in my life at times. I was then reminded that both of the people that both of the people that I was attending with could very well have not been there. To be clear, that doesn’t mean that they could have not attended. It means that they had both had scares over the year or so before and may not be with us anymore. I felt silly for being happy about expressing my gratitude for complimentary tickets, since in the grand scheme of things, that wasn’t the important aspect of that moment.

I’ve made jokes about my quest for balance and how I often achieve that by having major setbacks just as something really good happens. A good case being my new car two years ago. I just got a promotion and a significant pay increase. My car broke down very soon after that and I needed to get a new one. And there went my extra income. I’m very much aware of how much better off I am now with the new car. However, I don’t have the extra money.

Life, in general, is full of things like this. It seems that no matter how close I get to goals, something backfires somewhere. I’ve been proverbially under water for most of my life. And to make it worse, I can’t swim. But, I digress. I’ve been under water. Very often I see the life raft and I reach for it, but just as it’s within reach, I’m pulled back down.

My instinct is to shut down. My instinct is to make myself uncomfortable. My mind tells me that I deserve the suffering. My mind tells me that this is how it’s supposed to be. I know that isn’t the right way to do things. My overall shift from misery to gratitude has done wonders for me. I know that I’m so much better off (mentally and emotionally) than I’ve ever been. And yet, I’m still in the same place.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve made bad choices. I’ve also made some very good choices. In the very near future, I may have to make some difficult choices. I may need to make some big changes. As much gratitude as I have for all that I have, could I have more? Would having more in some places mean having less in others? I don’t know. How much time do I have to get things right if all I’m doing is trying to get them right? Will they ever be right? How perfect do I need things to be?

I think the path I’m on, while often a rollercoaster with lots of detours, roadblocks, and traffic stops, has led me to a fork in the road. There are various directions this can go. I want to be able to enjoy every sandwich and be successful. Perhaps I just need to modify my concept of what all of that means.

To Believe in a Change.

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Just a few weeks ago, I ran my first 5k race of the year. As I turned the first corner in that race, my eyes started to tear up. Not because of the abundance or pollen in the air, but because I was getting a little bit emotional. It’s pretty common for that to happen shortly after a race begins. But, this time, I wasn’t just thinking about the feeling I get for accomplishing a 5k race. It was more complex than that.

My mind was racing, quicker than my legs. To be honest, that’s not difficult at this point, but I digress. Just a few minutes before the race had started, I was talking to a friend who was also running. I know him because of the races that I run. We’ve run so many of the same races that we started talking at them and became friends. My mind went from “it was nice to see him” to “I’ve made friends during races” to “I make friends everywhere” to “holy cow, I have friends!”

Someone realizing that they have friends shouldn’t be a big deal. But, for me, at that (probably inconvenient) moment, it meant everything.

About 11 years ago, I wrote an entry talking about how lonely I felt. I always felt that. I could have been surrounded by people that I knew and was friendly with, but I still felt isolated and lonely. There’s been a few moments in the time since when people have told me that things that countered my feeling, and I’ve doubted it less and less, but that moment in that race, it really sunk in.

My hobbies include watching Professional Wrestling, going to concerts, watching old TV and movies, and running the occasional 5k race. I’ve made friends and acquaintances through every single one of those things. And yet for years, I still felt lonely. I didn’t feel alone, just lonely. Not anymore. Now, I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for things.

It’s taken me a long time to get here but I’ve arrived. How did I get here? It was a long journey. It took a lot of conversations. Some were with myself, which were probably not as productive as they could have been. The voice in my head likes to fill my mind with all of the doubt that it was programmed to believe. One particular conversation with a friend helped to push me over the proverbial hump when he told me that I manifested all of this by just talking to people. That sounds pretty simple, right? And obviously, it was true. But, for some reason, it never sunk in. I could be surrounded by all of those people that I knew just because I started a conversation with them and still feel isolated. But right now, at this very moment, even though nobody is near me as I’m writing this, I don’t feel isolated, lonely, or separated from people.

I don’t just feel connected to other people. I feel connected to myself. Maybe that was the key to unlock the door? I’m not going to analyze that thought too much right now. But, I am proud of myself for realizing it and for thinking of that wording.

What did I just say there? “I am proud of myself.” I used to never be able to say that and believe it. Now, I do believe it. If being ashamed is the opposite of being proud, I don’t know if I was every truly ashamed of myself, but I just wasn’t proud. I was made to feel ashamed of myself, often for things that others had done. That weighed me down for years. Positive reinforcement can do wonders for someone. It just takes a lot longer to undo the piles of negativity that have been placed on top of you.

As I’m writing this, I’m less than 24 hours away from running in my 50th official 5k race. I can’t help but think “wow” when I think about that. My finish times are slower than they used to be. I’m working on that. But, while running ONE 5k, let alone 50, is something that should be celebrated, this entry isn’t about my physical races. It’s really about the race inside of my head. And from where my mind is right now, it looks like when I turned that corner a few weeks ago, I really did turn a corner.

The Monolith of the New Day.

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I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.

I’ve taken my health seriously for a while. That really only meant that I’ve regularly had my annual physical for almost 15 years. I go to my dentist and eye doctor regularly. It wasn’t until 2024 when I really started to dig deeper.

I took a simple step by seeing a foot specialist. This was to address the pain in my left foot, particularly in my big toe. I even brought an extra left shoe. to the appointment to show the doctor how the soles get worn out on my left shoes. He took one look and knew exactly what my problem was. I have flat feet and collapses arches. I was given custom orthotics for my feet and it’s helped A LOT.

Another thing I did was going to a sleep specialist. From the study that they did, it was determined that I have sleep apnea and I had averaged 24.5 episodes per hour. To be clear, that meant in that study, I had stopped breathing 24.5 times on average, per hour, while sleeping. That sounds scary, right? I now use CPAP machine when I sleep and my episodes per hour have dropped to an average of 1.5. In so many of my entries here I’ve talked about my lack of energy. The sleep apnea was a BIG reason for my lack of energy. I was not getting a good night’s sleep, no matter how many hours I was in bed.

Like past years, I competed in a few 5k races. My results weren’t at the levels when I was at my best. But what is my best now? Is just finishing my best? Are my personal records out of reach? I don’t think there’s any shame in not being incapable of running as well as I did. It’s natural that my abilities have changed since I was in my late 30s. I’m now in my late 40s and the “Big Five O” is approaching somewhat quickly. However, I’m determined to compete in more races in 2025 than I did in 2024. I also aim to achieve better results than I did in 2024. How am I going to do this?

I am committing myself to my physical health in 2025. That means that I WILL drop the extra weight that I put on during the year. Unfortunately, that weight is what I had hoped to lose in 2024 and then-some. I’m going to make some healthier choices with food and drink. I’m going to re-commit myself to exercise via apps that I have, YouTube pages, and the gym. I’m going to do the work. The work is SO important.

It isn’t just my physical health that I’m committing to, it’s my mental health. Make no mistake, I’ve taken my mental health very seriously over the past few years. I’m VERY PROUD of the progress and decisions that I made about my mental health in 2024.

I’ve started using apps to check in every day about my mental health. I’ve begun attempting meditation. I say attempting, because I’m not good at it… yet. I’ve starting using card with affirmations to remind me of how good things are. Which leads me to the next thing that I want to discuss.

There’s also things I did not do this year. I felt it would be better for me to NOT participate in them. In the past, I would have said that quitting was just easier for me. Not partaking seemed more convenient. But I don’t see it that way now. I see it was me protecting myself from uncomfortable, awkward, and (most importantly) unhealthy situations.

As someone who has often had problems being optimistic about basically anything, I was always focused on what I don’t have. That mindset has changed a bit for me and now I really do focus on what I have. And I don’t just focus on that specific things, I’ve focused on the gratitude that I have for what I’ve been able to achieve and/or been allowed to achieve.

I was recently at an event. I discussed a specific moment of gratitude with someone very important to me. During that discussion, she pointed out something significant. I was attending that event with two people. These two individuals were close to death at various points over the past few years. She was right. It took my gratitude for all of it to a new level. I appreciate that amount of perspective. I’m glad that I have it. And the amount of gratitude that I have for her (on various levels) is huge.

In addition to things that I’ve already discussed, if there’s any “area of opportunity” in my life that I need to work on, it’s my finances. Like, the other things that I’ve discussed, I think that I have the tools at my disposal to make the necessary changes to get things back under control and to make a difference. Steps have already been taken to make it happen. I just need to do the work. And, as we know, the work is SO important.

Two things that I always mention in my end of year entry are my reading goals and a specific workout goal. I did not come close to my reading goal. I always want to read at least 12 books per year. I read 6. But, I read a few comic books too. Does that count?
The specific workout goal is my ability to do a Black Crow pose in the DDP Yoga workouts. According to what I’ve written, I managed to get one done in 2021. Still, I do know that I did it at least once in 2024, just not well. My new goal there is to be able to get it done and hold it for more than a second or two.

For some reason, I opened my 2014 end of year entry today and read it. I guess it didn’t hurt to see how I was feeling 10 years ago. My immediate thought was “wow, I haven’t changed much.” I did not like that perspective on it. I think I have. I think I’m in a much better place than I’ve been in a very long time, if not ever. I know that things aren’t perfect, but I also know that I have the tools at my disposal to make things better. I may not have all of the skills to get it all done on my own, but I don’t need to. I’m content. I’m not complacent. I’m grateful.

In my entry from this past June, I quoted a bunch of people. One was Philip Jack Brooks. His philosophy on life and when asked how he’s doing, he’ll reply “I woke up today.” He explained how that’s a good thing. He seems to have gratitude as well. I also talked about Warren Zevon and his “Enjoy Every Sandwich” outlook to life. I’ve used that one for a while. But, it seems to me that the various pieces of the happiness/gratitude puzzle are coming together for me better than they have before. Things are making sense.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2025 to be better than my 2024. I’m going to make a significant effort to see that through. It may be a difficult road at times, but I’m going to keep navigating forward. I don’t know where I’ll end up on that road. If I keep going on the path that I’m on, I believe that when I start writing my 2025 year-end entry, I will say, “I woke up today, I enjoyed every sandwich, and I appreciated every moment with every person.” If I can say that, the year will have been pretty good. And, I’ll be very grateful for that.

Simple Needs, Perversities, You Serve the Shame.

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Very recently, I received a text from someone asking me if I enjoyed a particular Professional Wrestling show. That text confused me. When it was explained that my interests matter, it got me thinking about why that wasn’t normal to me. And thus, we have this blog entry.

Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Professional Wrestling, loud music, and various other things were the interests that I had as a kid that I was told were stupid and not worth my time. I was made to feel less than for liking them. Some of the things that I liked were mocked by classmates of mine. Just about all of them were belittled by my parents. It does a lot of damage to someone’s self esteem when they’re often told that the things they like are not worth it. It’s even worse when it’s everywhere.

As someone that is “middle aged” now, all of the things that I listed at the start of this are still my interests. I’m thrilled that Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and other pop culture things that I liked when I was a kid are going strong today. And I’m even more thrilled that I’m now able to freely enjoy them without the ridicule that I used to endure.

It’s not that there aren’t people out there that will mock those things or the people that like them, but I’ve now found outlets to discuss them and enjoy them with other people. I know everyone has different experiences in the world of Social Media, but I’ve found it to be a valuable tool for me. I have forums to go to for almost all of my interests. And I find it to be very good for me.

I’ve grown up a bit (finally). That doesn’t mean that I need to stop liking the things that I liked when I was 40 years younger. To me, it means that I’ve finally realized that it’s okay to like whatever you like and do whatever you want to do, as long is it’s not harmful to yourself or anyone else. Yes, that last sentence goes beyond enjoying random sci-fi TV shows.

As a kid, I didn’t really have any choice in the people that I interacted with on a daily basis. I would get mocked at school. I would be criticized at home. I had no outlet. If I was mocked at school for liking something that I was also criticized at home for liking, it made me feel ashamed of the things that I liked. Nobody should be embarrassed for having an interest or a passion for a TV show or movie. But, that’s what was done to me.

Realizing that I now have choices as to who I associate with, it’s very freeing.

I’ll be completely honest. There’s a lot of genres of entertainment that I don’t understand. I have friends that like things that I’m not interested in. How does it benefit anyone if I insulted those things or mock those friends for liking them? It would probably make those friends not like me, or at the very least not want to talk about them with me. And knowing how I’ve felt when it’s been done to me, I wouldn’t want to do it to anyone else.

Unfortunately for me, as much as I’ve said that it’s good that I have the outlets to discuss things with people now, so much damage was done for so long that I find it odd when anyone encourages me to share my interests with them. I should not be taken aback when someone texts me to ask me if I enjoyed the wrestling show that I watched the previous night.

I feel that my interests play a huge part in my identity. They partly define me. The belittling in my younger days helped cause the low self esteem that plagued much of my life. I’ve been in a good mental place for a long time now. Being allowed to be me and realizing that the overall majority of people in my life accept, like, encourage, and even share my interests is a good thing.


Everyone needs to find their thing and not be ashamed. I no longer feel ashamed of who I am. I no longer feel embarrassed or scared to discuss the things that I enjoy. I’m finally at the point where I’m proud of all of it. It took me a long time, and I didn’t do it alone. And I think that’s really the point of all of this. Encouragement really does go a long way and is so much better than the alternative.

The Healing Through Years. So Obscured By the Tears and the Strain.

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I’m doing well. I’m doing well. I’m doing well.

The reason that I repeated that just now is that I’ve found myself needing to remind myself lately. There’s just so much good going on with me. I’ve been a part of so many amazing moments over the past year. I’ve increased my social circle a bit over the past few months. I’ve had a lot of fun doing a lot of things. I’ve started taking steps to be healthier (physically and emotionally). There’s just so much good happening.

And yet, there’s also that lingering doubt in my mind. The doubt that creeps in when things are going well. The doubt that tells me that the good stuff isn’t going to last. The doubt that tells me that I don’t deserve to enjoy myself. The doubt that continues to make sure that I can’t fully enjoy any moment. It’s always there, even in small doses, but it’s always there.

There’s a lot of how I’ve been programmed to think, feel, and behave in various situations that I’m trying to work on. I need to re-program a lot of the wiring in my head. The reason that I have any hope at all at being successful with that is that some of the praise that’s been heaped on me by various friends has made me think more about what they’re saying instead of my usual instinctual dismissal of it.

So often, I’ve found myself justifying my relationships with the very people that I was hanging out with. I’ve often wondered “why am I here?” I’ve thought that I’m unworthy of being associated with some people. My mind has told me that I’m in over my head. But, a few times recently, that thought process was challenged by something that said to me or a situation where I felt completely welcome. That type of feeling isn’t something that I’m particularly used to, but I kind of like it.

I’ve always known that my interests aren’t usually the most popular things. And, for the most part, that’s never bothered me. I like what I like. It hasn’t always been easy to find other people who have similar likes and interests. I think that’s why I’m someone that has really thrived on social media. I’ve always managed to find groups of people to discuss stuff with. And this isn’t new for me either, I was doing it on America Online in the mid 90s. And from doing that then, there’s people that have been friends of mine ever since.

My obscure interests also have a downside. They’re definitely part of the reason that I’ve always been a bit of an outcast. I’ve been shunned a lot. But, to be honest, there’s LOTS of reasons for the shunning and the outcast thing that aren’t related to my interests. A LOT of it has to do with the amount of times that I wasn’t allowed to do anything based on parental restrictions. And this is where I start to clam up and become unwilling/unable to get into details. If/when I’m able to say more there, I will.

One of the things that I’ve told people lately is that “there’s never been a better time to be me.” And while I really do mean that when I say it, the doubting voice in my head has had me thinking about it. I’ll start to think “Really? What’s so great about now?” “How is now any different?” “You still haven’t changed anything.”
Those thoughts are there. I don’t know if I have a definitive answer, but I just know that something is different. Earlier in this entry, I said that I believe the praise of friends instead of immediately rejecting it. That alone is a HUGE difference for me.

Another word that I’ve used a lot to describe my life is “surreal.” Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around how great certain experiences have been. For a while, one of my friends has pretty much insisted that I should have a podcast or write a book at some of my experiences. I really don’t know if my stories of celebrity encounters have enough details for either of those mediums, but I’ve also recently found a forum where I can drop an anecdote about some encounter I’ve had and get a pretty good response. But, I digress…

The point about the “surrealness” of my life is that while I’m thoroughly enjoying so much of it, I’m also fully expecting it to come crashing down at any moment. I think that because I’m programmed to think it. I’m programmed to think it because of reasons that I’m not even sure of. Is it the influence of my parents and their lack of encouragement? Is it because kids in school were downright cruel to me? Do I doubt that I belong in social settings because I was shunned? Do I prefer to be by myself because it’s a defense mechanism that I built up due to being left out or do I just prefer it?

I don’t know the answers to the questions that I’ve asked. The more I think about those answers, the more my anxiety builds up. If my anxiety builds up, the doubts in my head are magnified. It’s a vicious cycle. I may know the answers one day. I’ve seen some gradual changes. The answers will come to me, just probably when I stop looking.

Inside My Head, Smokescreen’s Gone.

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Emotions are a weird thing. It’s simultaneously possible to be fully enjoying yourself and dreading the situation that you’re in. I’ve written about this before, but it happened to me again recently. I was surrounded by people that I know. But, while fully enjoying that, I was also isolated. I’ve been thinking about that since it happened.

As weird as it may sound to some people, very often I’m at my most comfortable when I’m by myself. I’ve been very careful to not say that I’m “alone.” I very rarely feel alone or lonely. Being by myself and being alone are two completely different things, at least as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve found a lot of outlets over the years. I’ve explained this in my entries. For over 25 years, I’ve been on social media sites and have been connecting with people that have similar interests. Those interests range from Professional Wrestling, old TV/movie references, music, and more. I have “real life” friends that I can go to discuss some of my interests, but if I don’t know which of them I can talk to, I have online forums where I can go. Social media can be destructive for some people. But, it’s really been an outlet for me. I really do believe that people that I interact with on those sites are what keep me from being “alone.”

I’m sure that if I gave it a lot of thought, I could pinpoint various situations from my childhood that helped create these feelings. But, I don’t know if I have the ability to do that right now. Detail like that would need a lot of time and effort.

The thing that I need to stress the most to anyone that reads this, and especially to any friend that has seen me recently, it’s very possible that you’ve been with me while I’ve been in one of these moods. I assure you that if I told you that it was good to see you that I meant it. I also assure you that if I said that I was having a good time, I really was. But, I also couldn’t wait to leave. That is more about me than it is about anything or anybody else.

I’ve been telling people lately that “there’s never been a better time to be me.” There isn’t sarcasm in that statement. It’s 100% true. But, it doesn’t mean that anything that anything else in this entry is invalid. It just means that I believe that I have a a pretty good concept of perspective of my current situation. I know where I am and I know where I’ve been. Where I am now is a lot better than where I’ve been.

I don’t know if I would be able to be in such a good place if I didn’t have my means of escape. My escapes are all of what I mentioned earlier, podcasts, movies, tv, concerts, and other events. And yet, sometimes while I’m attending those events, I want them to end so I can leave. And I may be fully enjoying myself while I’m there. I know there’s some mental/emotional contradictions there, but it seems so very normal to me.

If you read this and you start thinking that something’s wrong or that I’m not in a good place, don’t worry. I really am in a good place. But sometimes, I just don’t feel comfortable where I am, even if the most comforting of settings. It doesn’t mean that anything is wrong, it just means that sometimes I’m very much in my own head. And maybe that’s the best place for me.

I Opened My Mind to All the Love Forsaken.

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Your perspective on things can really change how you feel. I know that’s a simple and somewhat generic statement, but it’s very true. My own perspective about a lot of things has changed lately, and I think it’s for the better. I’m doing quite emotionally and mentally well and I’m still enjoying myself. I’m going to use this entry to get into that.

I’ve mentioned a few times that I have a few friends that have spoken to me about how awesome my life seems to be. While I don’t agree with the level of excitement that they’ve described my life to have, I have finally started to accept that I’ve done some things that some people see as pretty cool. And over the course of the last 2 or 3 years, I’ve really started to appreciate these things on my own. And while I do think not being to do much for a while due the Pandemic played a part of my appreciation, I know that I was speaking about it before that as well.

Just a few days ago, I had a conversation with someone that I knew from high school. This was the first time that she and I had seen in each other since we graduated. She was in my office to discuss some stuff related to my job and we just started catching up. She was someone that I never had problems with in school. In fact, she was always nice to me. The conversation was probably just about 30 minutes long, but it furthered this whole “perspective” thing that I’ve been talking about.

For various reasons, I don’t really have much contact with many people from high school or elementary school. I really did not have a great experience while I was there. I was bullied by classmates, teachers were not supportive, and the counsellors that were supposed to help me would belittle and insult me. I understand that it was a different time and that things would probably play out differently if I was in school now, but that doesn’t help the damage that was done to me.

Getting back to that conversations from a few days ago, we talked about some of the things that I just mentioned, about my own experiences there. And we also talked about what we know now about the kids that bullied me. We now know that the majority of the kids that were the bullies in school had difficult lives at home. They were taking out the home life frustrations on someone like me, who they perceived to be an easy target. I was different. I was the sci-fi geek. I watched Professional Wrestling. I read comic books. I liked hard rock. And I fit the mold of the bullied kid. But, while I do have an understanding of the situations that the bullies had, and I do have sympathy for them, it doesn’t make my experience better.

How does what I just said about the bullies tie into perspective? Well, I have enough perspective now to not have as much resentment towards them. By no means does his mean that I’m going to start hanging out with the people that caused me harm, but I’m able to understand them better. This also comes into play since I’ve recently been told that someone that caused a slew of problems for me is now working at a place that I often shop at. I’ve seen him there. But, I don’t think I’ll be starting any conversations at any point soon. Even if, he falls into the category of all that I’ve just said. I learned a lot about his childhood and his upbringing recently, and it wasn’t good stuff.

Just sitting here thinking about the person mentioned in the last paragraph gets my anxiety up a little bit.

I don’t think there’s a hypocrisy in being able to somewhat get past the issues that people caused you and still wanting to avoid those people. I see it as being mentally and emotionally safe. They have a different perspective of things than I do. It could, in theory, have a perfectly “normal” conversation with them and have them say something like “Hey, remember that time when we did (fill in whatever)” and while they may see it as a happy-go-lucky time, it may trigger a completely different feeling from me.

That reminds me of something that I mentioned in the conversation from a few days ago. I was telling her that another friend was telling me about a mini-reunion that some people went to at a local bar a few years ago. And when he was telling me who was in attendance, one by one I told him about things that they had either done or said to me in school, and why I was glad that I didn’t go to that event.

How did I start off by talking about great things are and then get sucked into a discussion about awful things used to be? Well, first of all, I didn’t write any outline for this entry. I’m just winging it. Secondly, I think it ties in pretty well. It’s all about perspective. I spent so much of life consumed by all that was wrong. I used to tell people that anger was the only thing that kept me awake, like it was my source of energy. As it turns out, that was a lie. The source of my energy is coffee, but I digress.

When I heard friends talking about how good things are for me, I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. My mind wasn’t programmed to believe it. My default was set to miserable. I didn’t believe praise. I didn’t believe that there was any hope. I stressed about everything. I had good days, but overall, it wasn’t fun to be me.

Now, bad days happen. Bad things happen. Setbacks happen. It’s part of life. But, my perspective is different. I’ve escaped into a part of my mind where things are good. I enjoy my routines. I enjoy doing things. I have fewer toxic people around me. The support system that I always hoped for is actually there. And my perspective now lets me know that they’ve probably been there for a while, I just couldn’t see it.

I Was Born in Another World, Strictly Connected to a Piece of My Mind.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I’ve often talked about the lack of a sense of belonging that I’ve had. To be honest, that goes pretty deep and it goes very far back into my story. It’s not just outside of my house, but within it as well. Even amongst the people that I’m genetically closest with, I’ve always been a bit of an outcast. I’m not going to use the entry to bash anyone and I’m not just going to discuss familial issues. There’s baggage there that I’m not necessarily emotionally able to unpack. But, I am going to attempt to scratch the surface of some deep stuff here. Some of it may be repeats of themes from previous entries, but I think it all ties together and leads me to where I am now.

I’ve been on the outside looking in for so much of my life. It’s been that way for so long that I really don’t know if it’s a choice, reaction, or instinct to keep a distance. But, I’m also at the point where I’m a part of so much that if I withdraw a bit now, it’s not an issue.

I don’t have religion in my life. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. My lack of religion comes from my choice, partly due to parental behavior, and partly just to do a lack of religion. For a very long time I’ve been good with this. I’ve grown to despise the concept of organized religion for many reasons, but I’ll not going to get into many of them here. My household was a mixed religion house. That was basically never an issue until every holiday season when my parents decided to make it an issue. As a child, I was told that I would be allowed to choose which one I wanted to belong to, while one of my parents strongly pushed me in their direction and would also flat out get very upset with me if I indicated anything other than wanting to chose theirs. I chose neither. Not one of theirs, not another option, none at all. Again, as I said there’s various reasons for it.

For much of my life, I didn’t have strong bonds to family and relatives. Again, there’s various reasons there. Some of which are as simple as a family feud that I got dragged into. But, while others patched things up, I took a bit longer to do that. I’m sure someone with a degree in psychology could dig deep into why I stayed away longer than everyone else, but I don’t really think that matters too much now. I have open and (somewhat) regular communication with the limited amount of relatives that I have.

When my classmates started forming all of their cliques in junior high school days, I was pretty much out of most social circles. Every once in a while, someone would invite me to something, but that was rare. It was even more rare if I was allowed to go, but that’s a different story for a different time. However, sometimes I would hear gossip about how some people were saying stuff behind my back at those few things that I was at. It made me not want to attend things much.

As I’ve said before, I spent a lot of time by myself. While most kids were doing things outdoors during summer vacation in high school days, I was probably in my room watching re-runs, late night talk shows, and movies. I was reading comic books. I was very much in my own world.

I didn’t always feel safe in high school. The long-haired kid with glasses and an over-bite was an easy target for bullies. And target me they did. So, retreating to my own world was what I did.

My interests, Star Wars and sci-fi movies, Marvel Comics, Professional Wrestling, to name a few, were very much fringe things that it wasn’t “cool” to like then. I didn’t have the Internet or ways to discuss my interests with people.

I was by myself, even when I wasn’t alone. I didn’t belong anywhere.

Fast forward to the last few years.

I still spend A LOT of time by myself, but I’ve never felt less alone. Ironically, I’m probably more emotionally distant from most people than ever before, but I’m so much more content and so much more connected. This is definitely a topic for another time, but I digress.

As I was saying, I’m not alone. I have found so many ways to channel my interests. For someone that has as many “strange” interests as I do, message boards, social media, and streaming services are a wonderful thing. If I want to find a clip of a talk show that I watched 30 years ago, I have access to it. If I want to discuss that with someone, I can go to a group online to discuss it. I even have a decent amount of “real life friends” that share some of those interests and we can have long talks about them.

I am definitely still in my own world. I’ll always be there. I’ll always be a bit of an outcast. But, I’ve found people and places that accept that. I’ve found people and things that welcome that. All of the old-school social norms that people cling to that I’ve rejected of I’ve been shunned from are very far back of my rear-view mirror. I don’t need them. I’ve found what I need. And right now, it’s just to be where I am. It took me a long time to get there, but where I am now is where I belong.

Closed Was the Door to My Past Perception.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

Sometimes before I write an entry, I’ll go back and read some other ones just in an effort to not repeat too many things. I haven’t done that today and I don’t plan to. I know that I’m going to be repeating some things from older entries, but I think it’s okay in this case. Because, I’m still in a good place and I want to attempt to get into that a bit.

One of the biggest problems with my own mental well being throughout my life has been my lack of ability to believe that things are good for me. Even when I may be at a peak, I’m waiting for the rapid decline to happen. And there were a lot of factors there. It wasn’t just that I was a pessimist, but I had very strong influences in my life that were putting me down, insulting my interests, bad mouthing my beliefs, and in general not being supportive of me. After (many figurative) trials and (too many judgement) errors, it doesn’t seem like many of those negative influences are around me any more.

There wasn’t one specific moment when a light went on or one any specific thing that turned my mindset around, but I think it was more a series of things. Various people, places, and things have helped me a bit there. The simplest way for me to look at thing is that maybe I all of my mental health puzzle pieces were in poured out and I was able to piece them together. The isolation of 2020 and 2021 really did contribute to that, I think. My solitude helped. My ability to appreciate the simple things was heightened.

Back in 2014, I was at a specific concert. At that show, I realized how much that specific band, its fans, and their shows meant to me. I had seen that band many times before then and I’ve seen that band multiple times since then and the members of the band have become friends of mine.

Just a few years ago, a friend of mine was listening to me talk about some of the experiences that I’ve had and she said something about how great my life seems to be. I did what I would normally do at that time. I dismissed the comment. But as time went on and I continued to be amazed by how surreal my life can be at times, I started to believe it. And now, I’m at the point where not only do I believe it, I accept it.

I’ve often said that “it’s good to know people.” Well, that’s true. Knowing the right people can be beneficial. But, more importantly knowing good people can increase the quality of your life. And right now the people I know are good people and they’re the right people for me.

Just about two months ago, I happened to be briefly seen on television. The circumstances behind that go in hand with what I said about knowing good people and the right people. A lot of people contacted me after that moment. The one comment that stood out to me the most was how incredibly happy I looked and how it was obvious that I was enjoying it just based on my big smile. Once again, I believed the comment. And I accept it.

None of what I’ve brought up here is to brag about people that I know. I’m bringing it up to emphasize that the good/right people that I know are positive influences in my life that provide me with positive experiences. For far too long, I had too many toxic people in my life. Way too many people that would make it impossible for me to experience such a smile that I mentioned a few minutes ago. I would also cling to that toxicity. I felt that it was where I needed to be in life and my where I was supposed to be.

To be honest. I still don’t where my life is “supposed to be.” By most conventional standards, I’m not where I’m “supposed to be” at this stage of my life. But right now, I’m where I need to be. And I really think that knowing the right people, who are good people, has helped me realize all of that. I know where I’ve been. I’m not focused on where I “should be.” I’m where I am, and for once, I’m not questioning if it’s good or not.