Category Archives: Random Stuff

How Long Will it Take Until There Will Be Room Again For Hope?

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At the end of every year I ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Looking back at older blog entries I’ve seen that the answer has varied. But, if my biggest regrets of 2015 are failing to read one book per month and still not being able to successfully do the Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga, I think it’s safe to say that yes, I’m better off at the end of 2015 than I was one year ago.

It’s no secret that one of the biggest sources of constant frustration for me has been my financial situation. I have been living paycheck to paycheck for so long. It’s more like surviving paycheck to paycheck. There’s been little to no money left before the next paycheck would arrive. I kept trying to get a second or a better paying job. I would fill out application after application and I would rarely ever hear back from anyone. Then, I started getting replies. I went on some interviews. The first time I had only one interview. The second time I had more than one. I didn’t get hired those times, but simply because I kept going further in the process I had a little bit more confidence. Then something happened, I got hired.

The hiring at this job wasn’t necessarily the good thing I had hoped though. After going through an interview with two assistant managers at the location and seeing them impressed with my resume and what they thought I could accomplish, they set up an interview with the big manager. He also said he was impressed with my resume, but figured I needed a new challenge and assigned me to work in a department that had nothing to do with anything I had applied for. It was an area I didn’t know much about and the pay was commission based. I reluctantly accepted the position, but after just over one month of it, I knew it wasn’t for me at all. Working the two jobs was draining me of all of my energy. Due to the hours I was working and the little amount of time I had between jobs, I was not sleeping much. I had no time to do anything I needed to do at my house. And instead of being depressed that I had no money or food, I was depressed because I had no time to get any good food or to do anything besides work. To make a somewhat longer story than it needed to be shorter, I left that job. But, this story doesn’t end there. I ended up getting another second job that was much better for my schedule. I still have time to do what I need to do and I actually enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not living comfortably now. I’m just living a lot less uncomfortably.

If you didn’t know the whole story, you would say my social life isn’t any better than it was one year ago. But, I think it is. I reconnected with some old friends, I strengthened many friendships, and I made a few new friends as well. Sure, I’ve remained single throughout the year and I still have feelings of loneliness, but I also have a feeling of hope that I haven’t had in a very long time. Much like the job situation, I think I’m getting closer with each effort to change that. Each bit of discouragement here is discouraging me less, if that makes sense.

Last month I wrote about the races I ran in 2015 and how proud of my accomplishments I am. I ended 2014 not being able to complete a 5k in under 29 minutes. I ran 9 races in 2015 and only one was above 29, with a few of them being under 28 minutes, and my fastest being only 7.8 seconds away from 27 minutes. I have a pretty clear goal for 5k races in 2016.

In last year’s entry, I spoke about how I couldn’t get my weight under 200 pounds. I had been so close, but I was never able to make it there. I spent much of 2015 in the 195 range. In 2016 I want to stay (or get back) there and possibly get a little bit lower as well. I spent much of my life believing I couldn’t be in better shape, now I know I can. I also know I can be even better than I am. The mental “programming” I’ve spoken of in other entries is being changed little by little. Although, I’ve also learned (and quickly) that my metabolism is not great anymore and as soon as I slow down the workouts, my weight can go up quickly. I’ll be getting back to basics and working towards what I want to achieve.

While speaking of my programming. I did have my share of struggles with depression and anxiety during the year, but it wasn’t as bad as previous years had been. If nothing else, as I get older, I do get a little wiser and I am able to handle and manage my issues slightly better. I know I’ll continue to deal with this, and I’m sure I’ll have emotional setbacks. But, I’ll get through them.

One thing that was definitely a highlight for me in 2015 was the bond I developed with my nephew. It took a little while, but I’ve become one of his favorite people. I have trouble putting into words the feeling I get when I see him smile because he’s happy to see me. And of course, he has a little sister now as well, so yes, I have a niece now too. The overwhelming joy those two bring me is amazing. It’s things like this that motivate me.

As of today, December 31, 2015, there are only 186 days until my 40th birthday. That milestone looms over me almost like a really large black cloud. I felt I hadn’t done enough by the time I hit 30 years old. Now it’s almost 10 years later and I still feel that way. The difference now is that I feel I’m on the right track. I still don’t really know what the destination is, but I’m pretty sure that I’m heading there. Along the way,  I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to have setback. I’m going to be disappointed. I’m going battle my depression. I also know that I can get stronger from all of that. I NEED to get stronger from all of that. I may not accomplish everything I want to, or need to, get done in 2016, but if I can look back in one year and again say I’m better off than I was, then I’m doing something right and I need to keep doing it

2015 Album of the Year

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Faith_No_More_-_Sol_Invictus

1- Faith No More – Sol Invictus
2- Paradise Lost – the Plague Within
3- Clutch – Psychic Warfare
4- Moonspell – Extinct
5- Steven Wilson – Hand.Cannot.Erase
6- Amorphis – Under the Red Cloud
7- Florence & the Machine – How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful
8- Muse – Drones
9 – Warren Haynes – Ashes & Dust
10- Le Butcherettes – A Raw Youth

If you know me, you know Faith No More is my all-time favorite band, but just because they put out their first album of new material since 1997 they were not promised the top spot in my list. In fact, it was pretty close. I gave serious consideration to each of the top 4 albums as a possible Album of the Year. However, Faith No More’s Sol Invictus did in fact get the prize.

Despite having heard a few songs from Sol Invictus prior to its release and really enjoying them, I was iffy when I first heard the album. I wasn’t sure if it was a really good Faith No More album I was listening to or if it was an excellent Tomahawk album. Of course, Tomahawk being another project from Faith No More’s Mike Patton. But, I couldn’t stop listening to Sol Invictus. And the more I listened, the more I liked it. It’s THAT good. Tracks 4 and 5, “Separation Anxiety” and “Cone of Shame” may be the best 1-2 punch of songs they’ve had since “Caffeine” and “Midlife Crisis” from 1992’s Angel Dust. I could seriously go on and on about this album, but I have others to discuss here as well. Trust me, Sol Invictus is THAT good.

If I had to pick out just a few tracks that showcase the diversity of Faith No More better than others do from this album, I would say “Superhero,” “Separation Anxiety,” “Cone of Shame,” “Motherfucker,” and “Matador.” But, the rest of the album does a good job of it too.

So, how can I praise Sol Invictus so much and say that other albums has such a good chance of getting the top spot? It’s easy, the other albums were also THAT GOOD. Paradise Lost’s Nick Holmes stopped doing death metal growl vocals over 20 years ago. When he stepped in as the frontman in Bloodbath last year, he returned to that style. Then Paradise Lost recorded a new album and I was curious to see if he would incorporate that style with Paradise Lost once again. He did. And it was great. The first track on the Plague Within was “No Hope in Sight” and it was released a few weeks before the album was. I must have watched the video for it on YouTube dozens of times. I couldn’t get enough of it.  The mixture of growls and clean vocals was exactly what Paradise Lost needed to remind the world that the whole death metal thing, it’s theirs. If you’ve ever listened to Paradise Lost and have not heard the Plague Within, I strongly urge you to get a copy. You won’t be disappointed.

Tracks worth checking out on this album include:
“No Hope in Sight,” “An Eternity of Lies,” “Victim of the Past,” and “Cry Out.”

Clutch’s Psychic Warfare threw a monkey wrench into my list. It came out later in the year than some of other albums. I was starting to figure out what order I would be ranking things and then this album happened. If you want to talk about “1-2” punches, “X-Ray Visions” and “Firebirds” delivers that very well. But, Clutch often does that. This album is a great example of Clutch’s Pure Rock Fury style of music that sprinkles in some of their more bluesy songs as well. Just like I said about Paradise Lost, if you’re a fan of Clutch and haven’t heard Psychic Warfare you’re missing out.

Some top tracks that I haven’t already discussed include “A Quick Death in Texas,” “Son of Virginia,” “Noble Savage,” and the track that is currently my favorite on the album, “Our Lady of Electric Light.”

Moonspell has been so consistently good over the past 10 years. They were awarded my album of the year in 2008 and were in my top 10 two other times since I started doing this list. This year’s album from them, Extinct is another album that easily could have been #1. It’s THAT good. From the first song “Breathe (Until We Are No More)” all the way to the last song, the quite different “La Baphomette,” there isn’t a track I haven’t wanted to hear. In fact, some of the songs on this album rank among some of my favorite songs from Moonspell.

In addition to the songs I’ve mentioned, listen to “Extinct,” “Domina,” “Funeral Bloom,” and especially “Malignia.”

I used to start off every review of an album Steven Wilson was a part of with the line “Steven Wilson is a genius.” Well, his genius wore thin on me. His former projects, Porcupine Tree and Blackfield went from being can’t miss albums to “ugh, what did I just listen to?” I wasn’t too into his solo work either. And don’t get me started on his Storm Corrosion project. However, I gave him another chance with Hand.Cannot.Erase. I could not be happier I did. In my opinion, this is easily the best album he’s released since Porcupine Tree’s Fear of a Blank Planet in 2007, which was my Album of the Year. It doesn’t get quite as heavy as Porcupine Tree stuff would, but it takes me for the ride that Porcupine Tree did, which is really what I’ve been hoping for in his solo work.

I recommend the title track, as well as “Perfect Life,” and “Routine” as tracks worth checking out.

I had completely given up on Amorphis. The last few records from them bored me to the point that I just didn’t want to listen to the band anymore. A friend had told me that they put out a new album and insisted I listen to it. I got a copy and I couldn’t believe what I listening to. It was basically everything I wanted Amorphis to be again. Seriously! I don’t like using the term “return to form,” but it’s true in their case. This album Under the Red Cloud is just good. I know I’ve been repeating myself a bit here, but if you’re an Amorphis fan and, like me, you gave up on them, give them another chance.

The title track, “Sacrifice,” and especially “Death of a King” are the tracks to check out on Under the Red Cloud.

Florence & the Machine’s How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful is just one of those albums I like. They’re a well-polished machine, see what I did there? Their albums are well produced and I just really like Florence Welch’s singing voice. I have to admit to being a bit surprised when I saw the video for “What Kind of Man.” The only thing I’ll say about it here is that it’s on the “NSFW” side. Go watch it if you want to. You’ll know what I mean.

“Ship to Wreck,” “Third Eye,” and “Make Up Your Mind” are also tracks that I like.

Muse is another very consistent band that I enjoy listening to. Since I first got into them a few years ago they’ve put out a few albums and they’ve all appeared on my Top 10 list. 2015’s Drones is just like their previous releases in that it’s just really good. It’s one of those things that I can’t really describe, but it’s known when it’s heard. They have the “it factor.”

My favorite tracks on the album include “Dead Inside,” “Psycho,” and “Mercy.”

I like “Porch Music.” What that means is the type of blues/bluegrass/country style that is simple, stripped down, and somewhat relaxing to listen to. Warren Haynes’ Ashes & Dust is one of the best examples of that style that I’ve heard in a very long time. I also really like how, with a full band behind him, he was able to create such a basic sound on this album. It’s so very folk like in its core, yet it still rocks. Listen to it and it’ll make sense. Trust me.

“Company Man,” “Stranded in Self-Pity,” and without question “Is it Me or You” are the tracks to check out from this record.

I had never heard of Le Butcherettes before this year. In fact, I hadn’t heard a single song from them at all before I saw them as the opening act for Faith No More in May. I was very captivated by their stage presence. They’re singer, Teri Gender Bender has an interesting way of conducting herself while performing. Basically, after seeing them live I decided to check out their newest record, A Raw Youth. I really enjoyed it. In fact, I liked it more than I thought I would and I look forward to hearing more from them in the future.

“Witchless C Spot” is my favorite song from the album, but other favorites include “Shave the Pride,” Lonely & Drunk,” and “Reason to Die Young.”

And now that I’ve covered my Top 10 Albums of 2015, here’s some notes on some other releases:

While Faith No More’s first album since 1997 didn’t disappoint me, another of my favorite groups from the mid-90s, Veruca Salt’s new album really did. I saw them on their reunion tour in 2014 and it was perfect. It was so much fun and exactly as good as I expected. I was excited to hear they were putting out a new album, Ghost Notes, but it did NOTHING for me. I really can’t stress that enough. It’s just disappointing.

William Elliot Whitmore’s Radium Death and the Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band’s So Delicious were both strong choices for the top 10, but were just a little short.

Anneke van Giersbergen is my favorite female singer. And I usually like stuff that Arjen Lucassen produces, but not even her singing could stop their Gentle Storm project from boring me.

I hadn’t listened to Leaves’ Eyes in many year. I found out they put out a new album, so I gave it a listen. To me, it sounded like they’re trying to be Therion now. I don’t know if that’s the direction they were going in for a while, but their newest album, King of Kings, also did nothing for me.

I don’t mind country music when it’s good. I definitely prefer the more classic stuff. I also didn’t mind when Kid Rock went in more of a country direction. I ranked 15 albums in 2015 and Kid Rock’s Rebel Soul made the list in the 15th spot. It was good enough, but lacked the power I was used to from him. Whatever power was left 3 years ago was certainly not on this year’s album, First Kiss. I listened to it all the way through one time. I had no desire to go back. That says something for his direction, and it’s not good.

I guess it doesn’t matter how many times Nightwish changes singers if they’re not going to put out a good album, does it? Yeah, that’s how much I didn’t like their new album, Endless Forms Most Beautiful.


The Screaming Females, Iron Maiden, and Doug MacLeod also had releases in 2015, and they were just okay.

2016 could be very interesting for this list. I believe Katatonia could be putting out a new album. Since I’ve been doing this list, they’ve been awarded with Album of the Year twice, but with a few lineup changes, they may be a bit different. Their singer, Jonas Renkse teamed up with Bruce Soord to put out Wisdom of Crowds in 2013, which was also album of the year. I believe they’ll also be putting out another album in 2016. I also know Lacuna Coil will have a new album and I want it to (at least) as good as 2012’s Broken Crown Halo, which was my runner up that year. I also look forward to the new Tedeschi-Trucks Band record. I hope it’s a good year.

A note about eligibility for my 2015 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States street date in 2015
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist)
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material

If You See Me at the Bottom, Please Bring Me My Running Shoes.

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As much as running the five 5k races I took part in during 2014 was good for me, I never hit one of my goals, and that was to be under 29 minutes. I came close. My fastest time was 29:12.9. But one thing I learned during those races is that is 12.9 seconds can be a long time.

Early in 2015 I decided I was going to run more races. The first one I signed up for took place on April 18th. It was a new race for me, and I knew it would be a bit challenging. It had a lot of inclines and a few hills. And just a few days before the race, I started taking antibiotics for a mild sinus infection. It was a also a bit chilly that morning, but I was dressed for it. What I remember the most about this race was how when I made the final turn and headed toward the finish line, it seemed so far away. It was probably 3 or 4 blocks away, but it seemed like miles. I finished this race in 29:36.2. I was still over 29 minutes, but I was also faster than the last one I did in 2014 and I was satisfied knowing I was right about where I had been after not running for a race for 5 months.

About one month later, I did my second 5k of the year. I always drive the path in my car a few days before the race to get a feel for the path if I had not run the race before. This one seemed like it could be challenging for me. The morning of the race was hot and humid. It was not a nice day for a run. I didn’t get off to a good start. I felt like I didn’t have much in me. When I got to the 1st mile marker I looked to see the time and noticed they didn’t have a clock there. They also didn’t have one at the 2nd mile marker. So, I really had no idea how I was doing. When I got near the 3rd mile, I really didn’t have confidence in how I did. But when I saw the time at the finish, I was shocked. I completed this race in 28:46.4. I was under 29 minutes. To be honest, I really didn’t believe it. I thought something was wrong, so the joy I should have felt for setting a new record for myself wasn’t there.

A few weeks later was my next race. This one was also one with a lot of inclines and hills. Luckily for me, for every incline there was an equal decline. I felt a little more confident in myself than I did previously in the year. I crossed the finish line at 28:48.51. Only about 2 seconds slower than my previous race. Normally I would be bothered by being slower by such a small margin, but instead I felt that my record time had now been validated. I was definitely an under 29 minute finisher.

Only 13 days later, on June 20th, I competed in my 4th race of the year. This would be the last one that was new for me. It was described as a “fast and flat” course and from my practice drive, it seemed to be. I knew I was doing well from the start. I felt good. But I had no idea just how well I was really doing until near the end. I use the same playlist of songs for every race I’ve ever run and I’ve crossed the finish line to Lacuna Coil’s “Daylight Dancer” every single time. When I got to the 3rd mile, “Daylight Dancer” was just starting. I’m usually well into the song at this point in the race. When I saw the time at the finish line, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. My finish time was 27:51.86. I set a new record for myself by almost a full minute. I was now under 28 minutes!

After that race I didn’t play on doing any more over the summer. But after finishing so well, I was afraid I would lose momentum. But, I did end up taking the summer off from actual races. That’s not to say I didn’t put in my fair share of practice, but I didn’t do anything official.

My next race was on September 5th. It was my hometown’s race and it would be the 4th time I was competing in it. Being that I had done this race before, my minimum expectation for it was to at the very least, be quicker than I had been in it previously. I had some other goals for the race, which on race day actually changed to include being quicker than a specific person I saw running it as well. Much like the 6/20 race almost 3 months earlier, “Daylight Dancer” started as I was approaching the 3 mile mark. When I was close enough to see the time at the finish line, I gave it everything I had and crossed the line at 27:50.6. By 1.2 seconds I had set another new record for myself and not only that, I beat last year’s time by about 95 seconds. I accomplished every goal I set out to accomplish in this race. Yes, every goal. I did end up having a quicker race than the person I mentioned.

The rest of the races I competed in for the year were also all repeats for me. The next one I did was 3 weeks later and I finished in 28:01.8. I didn’t set a new record, but I did it in about 75 quicker than the year before. No complaints at all.

For my race on October 10th, I was very determined to redeem myself after a setback on this course from the year before. When I did the race in 2014, it was raining, there was a stretch of unpaved road in which I was not comfortable running, and at one point my shoelace came untied. I finished the race 4 seconds away from a record. As I said, I was determined to redeem myself. However, since I had beaten that time in six races since then, I didn’t know what redemption was at this point. I got off to a very quick start. I believe my first mile was my quickest to date. I knew I was doing very well. Somewhere around the 2.5 mile mark, I checked the GPS on my phone to see my progress. I didn’t clip the phone on well enough and I dropped it. I had to stop and pick it up. A few minutes later, “Daylight Dancer” started playing and the finish line was in sight. I saw the time and started thinking that the phone mishap would cost me a chance at a record and my quest for redemption would be ruined. However, I made it across the finish line at 27:49.9. 7/10 of a second quicker than my previous record. My redemption had been achieved.

Two weeks later I did another fast and flat course. This was the one that I had set my record on last year. I did it in 29:12.9. As was the case with the previous repeat races, my minimum goal was to beat last year’s time. By the time race day had arrived, I really felt like doing the race was a chore. I didn’t really feel up to actually doing it. But, I did it. And I got off to a good start. I felt strong throughout, despite it being a bit chillier than I like when I run. Somewhere around the 2.5 mile mark, I started to think I was really doing well, but I didn’t quite know how well yet. When I got the 3rd mile marker, “Daylight Dancer” was not on yet. Garbage’s “Push It” was still playing, and it was just ending when I crossed the finish line. I crossed at 27:07.8. Again, I set a new record by almost 50 seconds. I really couldn’t believe how well I did. And on top of it, I did the race over 2 full minutes quicker than the year before. That’s some improvement!

The final race I did this year was also the final race I did last year. In 2014, I finished it in 29:40.4. It was my slowest finish of the year out of five races, but if I wanted to put a positive spin on it, I was my 5th best finish, out of the seven races I had done up to that point. Much like last year, I had trouble breaking out of the pack at the beginning. This races starts on a narrow road and has a lot of kids in it. They tend to stay bunched up. Regardless of those factors, and the cold weather, I felt pretty good. I did hear the beginning of “Daylight Dancer” this time, so I knew a record setting race wasn’t happening. I finished at 27:57.7. Like last year, it was my 5th quickest finish of the year, but this time it was 5th of 9 races. And like last year, this course ended up being my 5th quickest finish yet.

As I stated in my blog entry about my races from last year, my issues with depression are well documented. Sometimes, I find it hard to be motivated enough to get anything done. But these races are good for me. I set goals and I accomplish them. Sometimes, I surprise myself with how well I do. That’s why I do this. And that’s why I’ll do it again in 2016. I ended last year wanting to be under 29 minutes. I was 12.9 seconds away. I ended 2015 just 7.8 seconds away from 27 minutes. It looks like my goal for 2016 is clear.

20151115_091402.jpg

The racing shoes have taken a beating and are being retired from actual competition. The number in the middle was my ID for my record shattering race in October.

 

Bleach the Imperfections, Plating Them in Gold.

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About a week or so ago, a coworker asked me “How do you do it? How is it you say you’re depressed, yet you’re smiling so much and you seem happy?” I told him that I usually try to follow the lyrics to an Allman Brothers Band song and “leave my blues at home.” I also told him that sometimes the lyrics to an Arch Enemy song, “behind the smile, I feel nothing” is where I am. But, overall, I’m not in a bad place right now. Well, let me re-word that. I’ve been much worse. Where I am now certainly isn’t great.

I committed myself to writing at least one blog entry per month in 2015. If you’ll notice, many of my entries are later in the month, as I’ve never been too good with deadlines. The majority of what I write about deals with my ongoing struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably some other forms of mental illness that I haven’t even fully identified yet. Part of the reason this particular entry is so late in the month is really due to an issue of writer’s block that I’m dealing with. And it’s not that I don’t have something to say, it’s mostly due to me not feeling too bad lately.

I’ve documented my struggles with money. I’ve taken some steps to make that a little bit better, and so far it’s working. Part-time jobs on top of my full-time job are helping me out. Actually, I’ve recently accepted and left a job that I felt wasn’t working out for me. It’s nice to have a few options there for myself and so far, as I’ve said, it’s working.

I’ve also even seen an upswing in my social life lately. There’s actually hope where there didn’t seem to be. Of course, it’s not my nature to have too much hope in any circumstance. Naturally, I have my doubts, worries, and fears about all of this. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.

This entry is absolutely not what I imagined writing. It’s so far from the way I started it too. It had a different title and a different name. The original draft had a much darker tone to it. There’s things that I was going to write about that didn’t fit with my current mood. And I probably will write about them at some point soon, but I’ll want to put significant thought into them before I do that.

It’s probably not a good thing that I fully expect my good mood to change at any time. I expect whatever good things I’m doing to crumble. I expect everything around me to fall back into the full despair I’m used to. There’s significant precedent for that. And you know what, it very well may happen that way, but for the time being, I’m going to do my best to enjoy the ride.

This Thought is All I Have to Trust Upon When Light is Gone.

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In an entry I wrote a while back I discussed having feelings of shame and fear that I’ve had for much of my life. I mentioned how I was “programmed” to have those feelings. But, where did that programming come from? There’s definitely been different sources of that programming, but in reality, a lot of it came directly from my parents. And, as I said a few times, this is not a “woe is me” post, this is me understanding things.

It basically goes back to the very beginning. Almost one year to the day after I was born, my parents and I moved to where I live now. And all I ever heard from my mother about where we lived was how much she disliked being here. She never wanted to be here and always talked about how much she wanted to leave. The part about her wanting to leave is actually more complicated than just her dislike of where she lived, but that’s for another time. The point I’m trying to make here is that I never once heard her say anything good about the town or state we lived in. I was programmed to dislike it and that lead to me being ashamed of it.

The upkeep of my house was neglected for years. My mom did various cleaning jobs during the week, but overall maintenance wasn’t done. Walls were dirty, paint is chipped, there’s cracks, not to mention dust and dirt. I kept hearing about how disgusting the house is and nobody should be allowed to be here. The result of that, I didn’t have many guests in my house. I was programmed to not like my house and programmed to be ashamed to have guests.

I know what you’re thinking about that last paragraph. Why didn’t I do more around the house to help keep up appearances? Well, there’s a story for that too. I can clearly remember many times as I child wanting to help with things. Even if it was helping to bring groceries into the house. Often I was told “you can help by getting out of the way” or something like “you can help by leaving.” That did a lot for my esteem. It programmed me to not get involved and to not know how to help, or even really offer any help.

As a child, I developed interests in Professional Wrestling, Star Wars, GI Joe, and a few other things that people start liking at a young age. And many of these interests stayed with me. Occasionally, my parents would take my sister and I to a wrestling event, but like most things my parents did with us,we did them a few times, and then we just didn’t do them again. Of course, I was also told my interest in these things was silly because those things were stupid or childish. Those comments didn’t stop. I was programmed to believe things I liked were not good, therefore I became ashamed of what I liked.

I never knew my parents to get along too well. Seeing them do things together was rare and it actually confused me. Let me make it very clear that them not getting along was mostly them doing all they could to avoid each other while living under the same roof. When they were in the same room, it would usually be an argument, or at least snide remarks back and forth. Holidays were always fun, especially with the two of them having different beliefs. Of course, neither of them practiced any beliefs or anything religious. The only times I ever heard anything religious discussed in the house was when they were arguing about it, mostly how the other one was wrong. What I’ve described in this paragraph programmed various negative traits in me. And believe me, their relationship is something that I could write multiple entries on. I’m sure it will come up again.

My dad does not express emotions. If I went to him with an issue I had with him, I would usually get a blank stare, a response that didn’t really suit the problem, or some of the most shrink worthy avoidance anyone has ever seen. If I went to my mom with an issue I had with her, I would usually be told that I was wrong, or that whatever my issue was simply didn’t matter. If I tell my dad that things he says bother me or offend me somehow, he’ll just keep doing it. I know there’s not a malicious thing there, it’s just that there’s no point to discussing things like that with him, even if the concept is to improve (or at least create) the relationship. If I went to my mom and told her that things she said or did bothered or offended me, she would either tell me I was wrong, or that she’s been holding back her true feelings on it and was “tired of walking on egg shells” around me. So how was I programmed here? I was programmed that it’s probably better to not discuss my feelings because if I do, I’m probably wrong anyway.

My bedroom was my sanctuary, but like it is for many children, it’s also the place you’re sent to when you’re being punished. You know, the old “go to your room” thing. Think of the dichotomy there. My safe place is my punishment place. How did this program me? Did it make me have contradictory feelings about same thing? Or did it just program me to be confused about this as I am as I’m writing it?

I feel that writing all of this is important for me. I’ve often felt that I’m just starting to scratch the surface of what my issues are and where they came from. What’s been said here is me talking about what’s bubbled up a little bit. But here’s the thing about this entry that I believe is the most important part about any of this. For all the people out there that may read this story or something similar from someone else and just brush it off with a “you’re 39 years old, get over it” attitude, let me tell you that I think this IS me getting over it, or at least me getting through it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “over it.” But, I believe in order to achieve healing, I must first achieve understanding of what caused the issues to begin with. That way I can attempt to figure out how to deal with them in a positive way, especially since I still have to confront many of the causes on a daily basis.

All of these entries are about me getting better, they’re about me healing, and they’re about me moving forward. But, I believe I need to know not just where I’ve been, but I how I got there. Once I figure all of that out, I could be free to change the programming and go someplace better than where I’ve been stuck for so long, and finally be without so much fear and shame.

Through Cracks and Wounds Our Pain Reflected in a Thousand Mirrors

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The frustration I feel is growing. My burdens stay with me. I’ve been walking around with a blank expression on my face lately. And recently, my desire to go into a corner or a dark room and cry has been my stronger than any other desire. My depression fueled laziness is prominent again.

I want to make it very clear that the paragraph above are not the words of someone that is giving up. They are the words of someone that is acknowledging that there is a problem, that is dealing with it, and that is trying to make things better, but seeing such little progress. It’s very defeating and I don’t know what to do about it.

The biggest culprit that’s impacting me is my finances, or lack thereof. I wrote an entry about this a few months ago. It hasn’t gotten any better. I have applied for jobs. I have gone on a few interviews. I’ve advanced in the interview process, but as of the time I’m writing this, nothing has changed. I still have my one low paying full-time job that keeps me under the poverty line.

I work full-time and can’t afford things I need. I can’t afford new shoes, new clothes, new glasses, and I certainly don’t have enough money to fix/repair my 16 year old car, let alone replace it. The car runs, but for how long? Basically, I work so I can afford to put gas into the car so I can get to and from work. And oh yeah, I can go to a supermarket on the way back from work and get the minimal amount of food I’ll need until the next paycheck, with as many coupons as possible. And at that supermarket, I have to make decisions, such as “can I afford olives for a salad, or is that too much of a luxury for me this week?”

My social life? What social life? I go out once or maybe twice per paycheck, if at all, and in (too) many cases, my friends pick up the tab for me since I can’t afford it. While I appreciate that, it bothers me to be in that position.
In all seriousness, I have turned down a date recently because I couldn’t afford to go. That’s where I am now. My finances are contributing to my loneliness. It’s not good.

I don’t want to hear any garbage from people saying that I need to learn a particular skill or trade to make a lot of money. I have 20 years of retail experience, and I’ve been a supervisor and manager. I don’t feel entitled to anything, but I know that I should be making more now. At some points, my salary was over $4 more per hour than it is now. For various reasons, I’ve had to switch jobs over the past few years and my salary has DECREASED each time. There’s a problem with the economic system we have now. I spend a decent a mount of my abundant free time reading about it. And while I like the education I get from the articles and books, it angers and depresses me more. I could spend A LOT of time getting into this particular topic, but I haven’t gotten too political in these entries.

Of course, if I get a second job, I’ll have more money to do things. However, I won’t have any time to do the things that I will then be able to afford.

I don’t want to live like this. Although, I could definitely make the argument that I’m not “living” like this, I’m merely surviving. My issues have once again began to weigh me down. I feel burdened and empty. I continue to push and push. I continue to do things that are supposed to make my situation better and not one of them has come to fruition. The frustration of the failures keeps growing.

I’ve gone out with friends recently. I have a good time in the moment, but the simple fact that I’m out with someone and probably spending some money is a burden in my mind. I can’t help but focus on that. The sad thing is, them offering to have me at their house and offering food and drinks makes me feel like I’m the burden, which adds to my mental burdens, which then makes me feel bad and not enjoy myself as much as I should.

Very often, I feel like my life is happening with me on the outside looking in. I actually had a dream last night in which a large group of my friends (and some former friends) were hanging out together. Where was I? I was watching them from the other side of a mesh fence. Literally, on the outside looking in. I don’t even know if this is relevant to this entry, but I think it’s a good indication of what I’m feeling now about my life in general. This could be a blog topic by itself, and maybe it will be.

Yeah, I know, there’s a lot of things going on inside me. Many of the issues are cyclical ones, and getting out of the cycle is challenging. Don’t you think that I would if I could? There isn’t a magic fix for anything. Well, there’s always a lottery victory, but I can’t afford to buy tickets.

The feelings of rejection, defeat, loss, loneliness, and even sometimes hopelessness that I feel are strong. I would to replace all of them with feelings of acceptance, victory, gains, fulfillment, and hope. My struggle is real. My struggle is strong. I just need to be stronger than it is.

I Dare Not Break the Circuit.

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It’s been documented in these entries that I analyze my life a little bit more than usual when July starts. It’s not just the half way point of the year, but it’s when my birthday happens. And my birthday is in just two days (as I’m writing this). And that means there are only 368 days until my 40th birthday. 40…
Despite some people telling me how great life after 40 can be, it seems like a pretty frightening number for me. At least, for now. And let me assure you that I am grateful that next year is a leap year. I get an extra day before the big 4 0.

In my last entry, I mentioned how “the hand that was dealt to me in life” hasn’t really been a good one. There’s always some obstacle in my way. And it seems that whenever I get past one, another one appears. In some cases, an old one comes back. But, whatever it is, it’s in the way of my progress.

I deal with depression, anxiety, and stress. I think the key word there is “deal.” I do deal with it. I don’t ignore it. I don’t hide from it. It is a big part of who I am. As long as I can keep it under control, I’m doing okay.

My financial situation is so far behind where it should be at my age. Hell, it’s behind where it should have been ten years ago. But, unfortunately, I’m not a Time Lord. I cannot change what’s done. And actually, if I was a Time Lord, I would be discouraged from changing things, so that wouldn’t matter anyway. But, as I’ve stated before, I spent my 20s creating my debt and I spent most of my 30s paying it off. Now, at (just about) 39 years old, I have no debt, but I make less money than I have since the late 1990s.

I have an associates degree. I have 20 years of retail experience. The words “supervisor” and “manager” are in my resume, but I have no luck with job or career advancement. I cannot afford to go to school and the thought of getting into debt to do so terrifies me. I send out job applications and hear nothing back. And the companies that do contact me are not ones I would want to work for. It’s a tiring game.

My social life has suffered a bit due to my financial issues. There’s no doubt that my depression, stress, and anxiety are also tied in to those situations as well. I’ve dealt with it for a long time. But, it’s time to make something change.

It’s actually well past me WANTING to change something. It’s a NEED. I NEED things to be different. I NEED to be on a path to success. I NEED to get past the obstacles in my way. This blog is something that can help me do that. Often when I feel I’ve identified an issue that needs to be addressed, I write about it here. I will continue to do that. It’s good for me.

I know I’m better than this. It’s ironic that I just said that. I used to get very upset if anyone said to me. I would always interpret it as them saying “you’re not good enough where you are.” But, that’s my “normal.”

I’ve broken some of the bad habits I’ve had, but I need to break more of them. I need to have more productive habits that produce positive results. I need the results to match the effort I think I’ve put into myself. Because, while the “hand I’ve been dealt in life” may not be good, and maybe I can’t change the game, it may be time for me to shuffle the deck a bit.

For Absent Friends

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This entry is one I’ve been wanting to write for a while. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out since I feel a bit scatterbrained lately. There’s just a lot of things on my mind, and some of them could come out in this entry. But the main thing that I’ve felt lately is just like I’ve been abandoned. But, how can someone that sometimes isolates himself also feel abandoned?  How can someone that knows he’s not alone feel so completely by himself? I guess if I had the answers to these questions I wouldn’t be writing this particular entry, would I?

According to one particular social network, I have almost 200 friends. I actually do know a vast majority of those people. Yet, even with all of those friends, I feel abandoned. But, this feeling is bigger than that. It’s not just about friends or family, I feel abandoned by society, by life, and even by progress. It’s not a good feeling. Maybe I should elaborate on that, but I just don’t know how to properly word it at this time.

I’ve noticed that it’s common for what I write not to make sense to some people. Sometimes when I read it back, it doesn’t make sense to me. But, it’s my hope that anyone that reads this and doesn’t fully understand what I’m talking about gains a slight better understanding of me and how my mind works. And the people that do understand this, well, we’re in this together. Or, then again, maybe we’re not. I guess that’s the theme of this one.

I know that people will read this. I also know that some people will reach out to me and say encouraging words. And I genuinely do appreciate that. Unfortunately, I don’t know how much it will change.

And that brings me to my next point. When I know that a friend of mine is going through a rough time, I will reach out. I will ask if they’re okay. I will check in somewhat regularly. I am very protective of people I care about. I want to make sure they know that someone is there. These are the people that need to know they’re not alone. They need to know they haven’t been abandoned. They need to know someone cares, even if it’s just a casual friend like me.

As you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering why I can help others and not myself. I wonder the same thing. That seems to be a common issue with people with depressive disorders. I recognize the pain others are going through because I go through it too. Not long ago a friend told me that she completely understood a particular issue I had because she felt it too. I told her that I was glad that she did, so we could talk about it, but I also wish she didn’t understand. That would mean she wouldn’t feel the same pain. That’s one of the few parts of this entry that actually makes sense to me.

When I was in grade school, I remember specific times when I got picked on. A few times I spoke up and told a teacher. Some of those times, instead of getting help from the teacher, I was accused of just wanting attention. Well, uh…yeah. I was trying to draw attention to a problem. I wasn’t the problem.

A particular guidance counselor told me to my face that I was lazy and not good enough to be in a particular class that I wanted to be in. I’ve already discussed the lazy thing. I think that’s open to interpretation at this point, but regardless, this was a guidance counselor. It’s someone of authority and someone of perceived power within the school that is supposed to help me in a time of need, not belittle me.

I am well aware that the issues I just discussed happened in the 1980s and they were “a long time ago.” But they’re still quite relevant. They helped contribute to my inability to ask for help. I know there’s many more episodes in my life that helped that along, and as always I feel like I’m just starting to scratch the surface of the real issues, but I’ve noticed that a lot of the “little things” from childhood really do add up. And if you think those incidents don’t contribute to feelings of abandonment, I disagree. I really do believe that emotional mole hills can become emotional mountains.

This entry isn’t nearly as fluid as I would like it to be, but as I’ve been working on it, a lot of things have popped into my mind and I’ve been distracted by some things. It’s the whole scratching the surface thing that I mentioned. Part of the reason this is skipping around so much is also that I know I’ll be writing another blog entry within the next week or so. Of course, by not saying so much here I’m definitely leaving this entry thinking it’s not good enough, but that’s par for the course. And so what, even if I’ve been abandoned by cohesive thoughts, the fact that I’m getting any of these thoughts out there is still a good thing.

Anyway, back to the point at hand, if there is one…
I remember a conversation with someone a while back in which it was said that I am dealing with the “hand that’s been dealt to me.” Well, maybe that’s true. And I am dealing with it. Part of dealing with it is writing something like this. Sometimes I feel it’s all I can do. And I’ll touch on that a little bit in my next entry. I want to close this on a somewhat positive note, and that’s while I feel abandoned by so much, the one thing I haven’t completely abandoned myself is hope.

It’s These Words and Music that Keeps Me Living, Keeps Me Breathing.

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In some of my previous entries I’ve discussed my desire to get out and do more, but how there’s some thing or some force holding me back. I’ve discussed my financial situation and it’s not what I would like it to be. I’ve also had a few entries discussing how much certain bands and my experiences at their shows have given me and what that means to me. This particular entry has a nice mix of all of those topics.

The first three weeks of May, 2015 were some of the most memorable, worthwhile, and expensive weeks I’ve had in a very long time. In all seriousness, I spent almost every last cent I had, which to be honest, wasn’t much to begin with. But, I had been putting money aside for this specific cause. I attended multiple concerts in May and each one of them gave so much back to me as far my own personal health goes.

My month quite literally started out with back to back shows from Life of Agony on May 1st and 2nd in their hometown of Brooklyn, NY. As my depression has really taken hold of me over the last few years, Life of Agony’s 1993 masterpiece debut album, River Runs Red, has begun to mean so much more to me. Any time I see Life of Agony, I feel like I’m a part of something. I feel like everyone there is forgetting their problems and uniting to let all of their frustrations out in a positive way. In particular the song “Underground,” which is pretty much about that particular topic. I was privileged and lucky enough to be able to watch the 2nd show from the side of the stage and even got to sing a little bit of “Underground” on the stage with friends. I really don’t know if I can put into words how much a moment like that really meant to me.

There were bands I liked as a pre-teen and into my early teens, but none of them grabbed me quite like Faith No More did the first time I ever heard one of their songs. They were immediately my favorite group, and remain in that spot many years later. They just released their first album in 18 years and are currently on tour for it. I was lucky enough to get a ticket to each of their two (very quickly) sold out shows at Webster Hall in New York City. To say that these shows were flawless is accurate. I’ve spoken to enough people that attended one, or both, of the shows and we’re all in agreement that they were just amazing.

A few days after Faith No More, I ran another 5k race and I set a new personal best time for myself at 28:46.4. That’s almost 30 seconds better than my previous record. Later that night I treated myself to a Moonspell concert in New York City. I hadn’t seen Moonspell perform since 2006 and it was fun to see them again.

Next on my concert going agenda was the one and only Clutch. I’ve seen them over 30 times and I’ve seen them play some interesting and different venues. But on May 19th, I got to see them perform in New York City’s Central Park. Yes, it was as cool of an experience as it sounds like it was. The temperature was just right, it was a nice day, and they performed one of the better sets I’ve seen them do in a very long time. Just like everything else from this month, I could not have asked for more.

I ended my month of concerts by going to Baltimore, Maryland for the first night of the Maryland Deathfest. Death Metal supergroup, Bloodbath played their first ever (official) show in America and I couldn’t miss it. If you’re not familiar with Bloodbath, it’s made up of members of Katatonia, Opeth, and their new singer is the singer of Paradise Lost. And if you know what I listen to, you know why I couldn’t miss seeing this. I didn’t know what to expect as far as their set list went, since there was a new singer I didn’t know how deep into their catalog they would go. I did have hopes of three particular songs being played, and all three were. I’ll say that just like Faith No More, and other than dealing with crowd surfers on top of me too often during the set, this show was also flawless. And, as a bonus, I got to have an exclusive beer made just for the event. Of course, it was called Deathfest Ale.

The month of May for me wasn’t just about the music, although music was foundation of the month. It was also very much about friends. While some people did attend multiple shows with me, I had different people with me almost every time. I feel that some of those friendships became stronger. Also, at these shows I reconnected with someone I hadn’t seen in a few years and now we’re talking pretty regularly. And in Baltimore, I even had the pleasure of seeing a friend that I had not seen in about 19 years. I couldn’t possibly ask for more. If you were a part of these shows with me, I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of these great events that meant something good to me.

However, as all good things must come to an end, my three weeks of “Epic Pure Rock Fury on the Other Side of the River, with a Bloodbath at the End” did come to an end. Thank you for indulging my cheesy line there. A few days after it ended, so did my emotional high from the shows and I started sinking back to my usual feelings. Another reality set in quickly. I am really close to being completely out of money until my next paycheck.

As usual, I don’t think this entry is nearly as good as it could be. But this time, I’m just accepting that and saying it’s because I’m honestly having such a difficult time putting into words how much I did enjoy myself for that three week span. So maybe since I’m having trouble with MY words, I’ll use a few lines from Clutch’s song “Earth Rocker” to sum it up nicely:

“So don’t look to me for answers, because I don’t got-a-one.
I just came to have a good time, and I’m gonna have one.

Yeah, I’ve lost many battles, and even more days.
But if I had to do it over, I would do it just the same!”

My Guitar Gently Weeps

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I lost my mother 5 years ago today. I knew I wanted to write something about it, but it’s a subject that I’ve always had difficulty putting into proper perspective. There’s so many different emotions, feelings, and issues that it’s not necessarily easy to put it into words that anyone outside of the people absolutely closest to me can understand. And the list of people included in that group is incredibly limited.

I’ve written a lot over the last few years about my depression, my “programming,” and my instinctual behaviors. So much of that comes from my parents. And while some of the negative aspects of my life definitely came from my mother and her actions (and lack of actions), so did a lot of the positive aspects. I want to say so much about it. I want to dig deep and let it all out, but there’s something that won’t let me. I don’t know if it’s the control she had on me while she was here, or me struggling with whether it’s right or wrong to say certain things publicly. I have to admit that I’m shaking a bit as I’m writing this. A lot of emotion is bottled up with the topic of my mother.

There’s a few specific things that only I know about. There’s events and things I saw that I have never told a single person. I don’t know if this would be the proper forum to do so. But, until I can properly decide what to say and what not to say, I’ll just say this…

My mother was MY mother. She was definitely one of a kind. Good or bad, negative or positive, she was there. She was the most powerful influence in my life. And in some ways, she still is. She’s been gone for five years, but she’s still with me, and always will be.

What is posted below is my blog post from July 8, 2010. It was originally posted on MySpace. At the time it was published, it was the most personal and “real” blog entry I had ever written. Also, at the time it was written, I was not very comfortable talking about me. I had not ever seen a therapist about myself and kept most of the my emotions to myself. And I certainly did not talk about my mother. The entry is a bit vague in detail, but it did what it needed to. As I’ve said, one day I may touch on certain subjects, but until I feel that I can (at least publicly), I believe this is the best way for me to handle it today.

Thanks for reading…

My Guitar Gently Weeps
July 8, 2010

Being that my birthday falls in the beginning of July, I see my year split into equal halves. I’ve discussed this in previous blogs. I’ve also discussed how I usually get very reflective during this time of year. I look back on the year and try to figure out where it’ss gone and then figure out where I need to go. For the past two months, I’ve been more reflective than ever. I’ve not just looked back on the last six months, but I’ve looked back on 34 years that I had with my mother.

I lost her at the end of April and it’s been a rough few months ever since. I’m not going to get into details about the circumstances, as I don’t feel the need to do so. As a generally private person, I feel there are certain things that should remain private, so that’s what I’m going to do here.

For almost 34 years, she was here with me. For almost 34 years, I had a meal waiting for me every day. For almost 34 years I knew what I was coming home to. And since the end of April, I don’t have any of that.

One of the things I’ve noticed about my memories of my mother is how perspective on them has changed. Many of the things that had negative thoughts associated with them have been pushed aside and positive thoughts are prevalent now.

My mom and I were both die-hard New York Yankees fans, but didn’t go to games. She spent a great deal of her childhood in the Bronx and went to countless games at the Old Yankee Stadium when it was in its original form. It tore her heart out when they renovated it in the 1970s. She often told me of the tears she shed while going past it on a train and seeing the walls being torn down. She was pregnant with me on April 15, 1976 when they had the grand opening of the new Yankee Stadium. The changes were so severe that she never wanted to go back. While I was always a bit upset that she didn’t want to take me to games, her stance on the ballpark helped to create my old school baseball purist mentality. For those of you asking why my dad didn’t take me to games, well, he grew up in a National League/Yankee-hating household, so it wasn’t an option.

When old enough to go to games on my own, I finally did. I managed to see some good ones too, including David Cone’s Perfect Game in 1999. Ironically, my mom was originally going to go to that game with my sister, but the heat was too much for her that day and she backed out. Her not going allowed me to go.

2008 was the last year the Yankees played in that particular building and I told her she HAD TO go to a game with me at that place. There were no options. On April 6, 2008 we finally attended a game together. It was a chilly Sunday afternoon game. We saw the Yankees beat the Tampa Bay Rays, 2-0. The score of the game was not important to me, all that mattered to me was that I finally got to a game with my mother.

And a little side note, the Yankees have since moved to their new stadium, and I haven’t gone to it. I wonder where I get that from.

While we didn’t agree on many things musically, there was one artist that we always agreed on, Dion. She grew up in his neighborhood, and kind of knew him from the town. While she was more of a fan of his early doo-wop stuff, I liked his late 80s stuff and the blues albums he did over the last few years. We got to see Dion perform in 2009. I knew it was going to be a special time, but I had no idea how special it was going to be. The smile I saw on my mother’s face that night was amazing. She had been brought back to her childhood and the more simple things that go along with it. He played all of his classic songs and told stories of the neighborhood, and my mom was hooked on every word. It was seriously one of the best things I had ever seen, she was overwhelmed with joy.

Ironically, my mom often said I go to too many concerts and didn’t think I needed to see the same band over and over again. Dion was playing in our area again a day or so after the show we saw and she had thought about getting us tickets to that show as well, but unfortunately for us, it was sold out.

Obviously, there was a lot more to my mother’s life than the Yankees and Dion, but they played a huge part of her life. It’s all about her time in the Bronx, and one those two particular days I was able to bring her back to things from her childhood, and what I saw in her face those days was just magic to me.

I’ve had to learn a lot of things very quickly over the last few months. Things that I probably should have known earlier, but didn’t need to know, since she took care of them. Things like cooking and how to properly take care of our birds. I think I’m doing a decent job adjusting to that. The cooking part will take some work, but what I’ve done so far has been good.

Another thing I learned, and again, I probably should have realized this before is just how incredible my friends are.The support they’ve given me during this time has been downright amazing. They’ve greatly helped me get through my days and provided me with a great outlet when I need it. But should it surprise me? That’s what friends do. I just hope that I can be as good to them when it’s needed as they’ve been to me.