Category Archives: Relationships

The Trick is to Keep Breathing.

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This may seem like an overly simplified statement, but there is nothing that you do that is more important that breathing. Yoga guru Page Joseph Falkinburg Jr. often says “If you own your breath, you will be on your way to owning your life.” It’s taken me close to five decades to figure that out, but it’s starting to click.

When people are stressed, they’re often told to breathe. I’ve heard various Yoga instructors talk about “cleansing breaths.” None of that made sense to me until somewhat recently. How can breathing not make sense? Well, because I never thought about it.

As I’ve talked about in recent entries, I’ve been diagnosed with sleep apnea. For those that may not know, the Mayo Clinic defines sleep apnea as “a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts.” So yeah…
Imagine my horror when a sleep study informed me that (on average) I would stop breathing 24 times per hour when sleeping. Thanks to my CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, I’m now averaging only 1.5 episodes per hour. The trick is to keep breathing and the machine makes the trick happen.

I attempt to run 5k races. I word it that way due to how often I stop running and start walking during those races. But, I digress. I often have to remind myself to take deep breaths during the run. My heart rate will spike and through breathing, I can get it come down a bit. I know that there’s other factors at play here, but my breath is the key to all of this.

I would tell you that I’ve started meditating, but that’s almost overstating my participation in the practice at this point. Through one program that I’m in, I downloaded a course on how to meditate. When I finally got around to attempting to learn the practice, I couldn’t figure out my password and I had trouble logging in. I was eventually able to get in and started it, but by the time I started, I was a bit frustrated and I didn’t get the full impact of the lesson. A few weeks later, I tried another program and had other, somewhat similar issues. I laughed it off and attempted to learn again. Being at one with my breath is not something that I’m particularly good at… yet.

There’s various aspects of my life that I need to improve. I have a lot of work to do. And as I said in last month’s entry, the work is SO important. Something else that I mentioned in that same entry was how recent life events have impacted my perspective on things. I believe that my need to improve, to grow, and to heal was greatly amplified by an event that recently happened. I’m not going to mention specifics of that here, since it’s not my story to tell. I’ll just say that it opened up a lot of thoughts.

The overall majority of the thoughts that were opened up were centered around the concept of attempting to fix wrongs in my life. My thoughts spiraled a lot for a while, but it always came back to the concept of “how can I fix this?” I don’t think that I’ve mentioned this in any of my entries over the past two or years, but I have been speaking to a therapist regularly. My discussions are often about current things in my life, and once the dust settles a bit, I want to start attempting to dive deeper in the root causes of things. I know how very uncomfortable that may be for me. But, I think it’s necessary. I may need to practice mindful breathing during those discussions. The trick is to keep breathing. Breathing requires work. The work is SO important.

I’m on journey. And much like the races that I mentioned earlier, there’s going to be times when I’m out of breath. There’s going to be times when my heart rate goes up a lot. This journey may cause me some anxiety. The trick is to keep breathing.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the proverbial mountain top, but my current plan is to keep climbing. I may fall a bit. I know that I’m going to have setbacks. It’s part of life. Not everything goes smoothly. But, I think I’m going in the right direction. And when times get rough, I will defer to the words of one of my favorite poets, Neil Fallon of Virginia,

“So I take a deep breath and count to ten, ain’t gonna let it get under my skin. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Think of all the nice places that I been.”

The Future of a Past Life.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look back at the just about completed first 47 years of my life.

At this point last year, I had just received a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I was already starting to envision how much better my future could be because of that. And almost immediately after that happened, I NEEDED to get a new car. The 24 year old Chevy Blazer that I had was on its way out. As a result of how quickly it all transpired, I was unable to put any money aside and start saving for the eventual car purchase that I planned to make. And since I did make that car purchase without a lot of money put down in advance, a good amount of the my extra (compared to last year) money is going towards payments for the car and insurance. I’m not saying that the new car is a bad thing. I know how good it is. I’m better off with it, but because of it, I’m not really getting ahead financially.

Physically, I have some work to do. I started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I saw really good results with it. I don’t know what I’m doing differently now, but the results aren’t there. In fact, I’ve gained a bit of that weight back. I think it’s going to take a more disciplined approach for me to make this happen. And as I said, I have work to do. As the great philosophers Balle and Perlis have often said, “The work is SO important.”

In recent entries, I’ve talked about some of the steps that I’ve taken to improve my overall health beyond just my weight concerns. I’ve seen improvement with some of those aspects. Others are a work in progress and may always be a work in progress.

My mental health, in particular, has been tested recently. Due to some events, I felt some of the darker urges that I’ve dealt with at various points of my life. Often in my life, I’ve felt that I’ve deserved to suffer. That feeling doesn’t come up often and it’s never motivated me to do anything drastic, and I don’t think it ever will. But, the voice in my head will tell me that I do not deserve good things, success, happiness, or even simple joys. I’m glad to say that I’ve avoided any sort of mental punishment, other than the slight shame that I feel for eating an excessive amounts of potato chips over the past week. But, for the most part, I’m doing okay right now.

Getting back to the original concept of this entry, my life and where it is right now, I’ve given a lot of thought to things in life that scare me. My past scares me. My future scares me. My present is where I exist. Existing in the present isn’t a bad thing, or at least I don’t think it is. The past dictates how I do things. The future is where I end up. But what is my future? I’m trying to figure that out. Another philosopher, Aurelian Smith, Jr. famously said “My history is not my destiny.” I need to figure out how to make that true for myself. That will require work. And we know, the work is SO important.

I’ve given a lot of thought to perspective on life recently. Well, I think about that often, but even more so lately. There’s been a few things that have increased my need to have a good perspective on life. Another quote that helps me think about perspective comes from yet another philosopher, Phillip Jack Brooks from Chicago. He said when people ask him how he’s doing, he’ll simply say “I woke up this morning.” To paraphrase more of what he said, we only have chance at (life). Any day that we wake up is good, whatever good stuff that happens throughout the rest of the day is a bonus.

I know that not every day is going to go as well as we want it to. Some days can be incredibly difficult to get through, especially for those of us that are burdened with depression or other forms of mental illness. I have depression, some anxiety, probably some attention deficit disorder, and maybe other things that haven’t been diagnosed, fleshed out, and/or treated. I deal with it to the best of my ability. I’ve felt some added pressure due to some recent events. I’ve reached out to people. They’ve been supportive. In many cases, that’s all that someone needs. But, some may need more.

I don’t want this entry to be dark and I also don’t want it to be filled with one quote after another from people that I admire, but there’s more quotes to come. I know that I’ve used this one in entries before, and sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll do a social media post says nothing more than “enjoy every sandwich.” That quote comes from Warren Zevon. He had terminal cancer and knew that he was going to die from it. There was no way around it. David Letterman had him on as a guest and asked him if he had any new knowledge or wisdom about life as a result of his diagnosis, and one of the things that he said was “enjoy every sandwich.” To me, there’s no better perspective on life than something so simple.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” This quote (which will likely be the last one that I use in this entry) comes from a Gallifreyan Doctor. It’s another way of saying what I think the theme of this entry has become.

So, where am I? I’m someone that is scared by his past and his future. I do my best to enjoy the present. I’m aware of my fears. How do I deal with them? How do I overcome them? I do not have those answers. And believe it or not, that doesn’t scare me.

Thanks to the CPAP that I spoke to about in my most recent previous entry, I have the chance to get better sleep than I used to. That also means that I’ll potentially wake up with more energy than I’ve been used to having. So, not only will I wake up, but I’ll have more energy? Based on what I’ve said in this entry, I’m already ahead of the game. If I include something like a good sandwich (or maybe chicken wings) later in my day, I’m doing so well.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. My perspective on life is pretty good, I think. I still need to work on dedicating myself to find the motivation to do all of the work that I need to do so I can meet the goal of talking about how much better I am in one year. And through perspective thrust upon me by events in life, the rose colored hindsight glasses have shown me that things that may have been bad weren’t really as bad as I thought they were. They may not have been as good as I had liked, but they weren’t as bad. They’ve also shown me there’s a lot of work to do. But one day, I’ll wake up and I’ll see that the so important work has paid off. I may have an excellent sandwich that day. If that happens, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell in one year.

A Soft Breeze Passed Me By, Somewhat Warmer For a Second.

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This entry will not be one with many edits. I’m going to write it and post it. It is not going to linger in my draft bin and wait for me to finalize it. I’m writing this on April 30, 2024. It may have somewhat of a dark tone to it, but I want to attempt to end it on a positive note. I also know very clearly that if I had written it yesterday, it would be a lot darker.

April 29th is not my favorite day of the calendar year. In fact, it’s my least favorite. While I do enjoy being able to make references to a song that I really (Downset’s “Anger”) all throughout the day, there’s something else weighs on me quite a bit for the past few years. I’m not going to go deep into that particular topic in this entry, but I will say that it’s been covered in previous entries.

My most recent post was centered around my lack of energy and my desire to fix things. I said that I would put forth some effort in making some changes in my life and hopefully getting some positive results. I would like to say that I did some of that. I don’t feel like April was a waste. I got some stuff done.

I’ve talked about my desire to be healthier. I really do want to feel better. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Any way that I can feel better. I’m also very much aware that I cannot do it on my own and that I need guidance and more awareness than I’ve had.

Everything that I’ve said in this entry ties together here:
One of the main reasons that April 29th is such a bad day is because some things cannot be fixed if you don’t know what’s wrong. I am attempting to find out what is wrong. And yesterday, on a day when I’m constantly reminded of past issues, I was told of something that I need to address. Don’t be alarmed by reading that. It’s nothing that requires any procedures or anything like that, it’s basically just something that I’m going to need some assistance with and once I get that assistance, my quality of life could improve a bit. I am being intentionally vague.

Many years ago when I worked in the wonderful world of retail, I was told about “Dashboard Management.” As a supervisor, I cannot get my department going in the right direction if I don’t pay attention to the data on the dashboard and guide the department towards our goals. While I’ve been out of retail for a few years (and grateful for it), I’ve never forgotten that lesson and now I see how I can apply it to myself. I cannot guide myself towards a healthier goal without knowing what I specifically need to address.

Over the past few months, I’ve visited with various types of doctors, some for the very first time. And again, I’ll state that this isn’t anything to alarm anyone. I’m in the last stages of my mid-40s and since I’m lucky enough to have good health insurance, I’m not worried about the expense of medical bills, so I’m going to see whatever medical professional that I think I should see to get some answers. In some of these cases, I’m going to see some doctors because I’ve never seen someone in their particular field before.

How can I get to where I should be if I don’t know where I am?

Another thought that popped into my head while pondering this entry is how much better off I could be in life if the authority figures of my childhood (parents, teachers, counselors) had bothered to address or diagnose some of my issues instead of just labeling me. Was I lazy as a child? Maybe. But, why was I lazy? Was it due to depression and/or some form of attention deficit disorder? Probably. But, did I know that then? No, and even though there were clear signs of depression that I can see via hindsight, nobody did anything to address it. I went to guidance counsellors and teachers for help at times. Instead of getting that help, I was made to feel worse about feeling bad.

Situations like that made me not want to seek help.

I couldn’t go to my parents for help. They were too busy ignoring their own problems to address mine.

What I just said about my parents, while tongue in cheek, is very serious and a major part of what brings me here today with this entry. They ignored their problems. It didn’t matter how much an issue was poking them, they did not/do not address them. No matter how many times something is pointed out, it is ignored.

How can they fix things if they’re unaware? How can they fix things that they choose to ignore? How can they fix things if they simply don’t want to?

I want to fix things. I want to be aware. The expression “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” is complete crap. It can kill you. I’ve become all too aware of that. It can be argued that I haven’t learned much from my past, but I’ve learned some things. And some of those things have been (vaguely) discussed here. I want to be healthy. I need to be. It’s a journey and my dashboard is lighting up.

A piece of mail. A letterhead. A piece of hair from a human head.

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Perspective is a good thing. But, it’s not always easy to see that. I’ve had a few bad days in a row. But, have I really? A few things that are out of my control have impacted me. If you combine that with other things that were stressing me out, and you have me feeling like I’m on the verge of snapping. But, for what? I’ve had much worse days than the last few have been. I’ve encountered much worse scenarios than I’ve dealt with over the last few days. I like to remind myself of that.

At my job, I feel somewhat overworked at times, but I also know that it’s the best job that I’ve ever had. I’m paid better than I’ve ever been before. I have the best health benefits that I could hope for. The job is good. A day or two of a heavy workload isn’t a bad thing. And while I walked into work today a little bit on edge after dealing with a few days in a row that annoyed me, a co-worker told me that he’s heard people talking about how great my work ethic is. My mood changed a bit after that. In fact, that one brief conversation probably changed the entire course of my day and this blog entry.

My problems are my problems. They’re not yours. We all have unique situations, regardless of how similar they may be. I’m also a firm believer of someone having to feel what they need to feel in the moment. If you need to be sad, be sad. Get it out of your system. If you’re angry, be angry. Get it out of your system. It’s the best way to get through it, even if it’s only temporarily.

Looking back on my younger days when I thought that whatever I was going through was rough, I sometime laugh about how simple I had it back then. My younger self would be horrified to hear what the older version of me has gone through. That brings me back to the concept of perspective and how good it is to understand it. Just because my younger self went through things that seem trivial now, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t a big deal to me then.

So yeah, I’ve been stressed about various things recently. I haven’t been able to get nearly as much done as I would have liked to in the first month of the year. I feel like I’m always behind in my goals (at least the few that I seem to have). Playing catch-up is another thing that can cause me stress. I just have to remind myself that forward progress is forward progress. The speed of it may not be relevant.

I run 5k races from time to time. Or at least, I participate in them. The running part is debatable. But, I digress. Those races have taught me that starting something and finishing it is rewarding. Even my slower finishes (and most of my recent ones have been my slower ones) have me accomplishing something that I’m proud of. I think the point of this has something more to do with perspective.

I had no idea what I was going to write about when I started this. This process stressed me out a little bit today. I’ve committed myself to writing (at least) one entry per month and since I don’t do well with deadlines, that’s why there’s usually towards the very end of each month. But think about that, this little unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) task bothered me. Why? It’s about a goal. I like accomplishing them.

But, what goals do I have in life? I’m so far behind where most people of my age are. Should that bother me more? I’m aware of how much worse things could be for me than they are now. I’m also aware that they could be better. Should I focus on either of those perspectives?

Right now, at this very moment, I’m going to focus on wrapping up this entry. I’m then shortly after that, I’m going to wrap up my day. With any luck, I’ll get a decent amount of sleep. And from there, in the morning, I can start fresh. A new day. A new month. A new start.

Far Away From What’s Yesterday.

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I always write an entry at the end of each year where I look back and ask myself the same question that I asked myself one year earlier. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” This year, it isn’t a question. Is everything in my life perfect? Not even close, but my life being better than it was one year ago is obvious, even to me.

I managed to get through 2023 without any health issues. I had my share of sinus related problems, as I always do, but that was it. I had started a weight loss program in late 2022 and I did really well with it for a while, but as it often happens with these things, I had a setback and I’ve put on some of the pounds that I had lost. One of my goals for 2024 is to not only lose all of the weight that I had gained, but to get to my actual goal weight, which I was closing in on during 2023. I was so close, yet so far.

As the world continues to open up to “normal” activities coming, a lot of local towns started having their 5ks again. Some are still skipping them and some just aren’t going to happen any more. I was able to compete in five of them during the year. None of the finishes during those races were my all-time slowest, but they were all some of my slowest. I’m not upset about that because it’s always a good thing when I finish a race, but I would like better results. That is a goal for 2024, and it ties together with the weight loss and fitness. And like many years, except 2021, I was not able to successfully do a DDPY Black Crow. Maybe I’ll put more effort into that as well.

Since I’ve enrolled in a book reading challenge, 2022 was the only year that I was able to meet my goal of reading 12 books or more during the calendar year. 2022 is still the only year that I’ve met that goal. I was only able to get 8 books completed in 2023. I’ll find ways to meet the goal in 2024.

Nothing stresses me out more easily or frequently than my financial situation. But, 2023 saw a change there that has alleviated some of the stress. In June, I was given a promotion and a substantial pay increase. I started to think of plans of what to do with the money. The plan was to save up to have enough to make a nice first payment on a new car. The car that I was driving was a 1999 Chevy Blazer that I had since July of 2000. I started with that car with 11,161 miles and ended with 268,331. Yes, it ended. The air conditioner in it died and I was told that it wasn’t worth fixing. So, my plan was thrown off and I had to scramble to get a new car, which I did. So, while I make more money, I’m making car payments now. I wasn’t completely prepared for it. But, while I’m able to afford it, it did set me back a bit. My number one goal is 2024 is to get my finances in order. I know that will require me to (possibly) cut back on some things. I often talk about balance. There’s usually a very big high in my life followed by a very big low. I don’t want that with my fiances in 2024. I just want balance. As in balanced books, accounts, etc.

My social life in 2023 was really good. Seriously good. And it wasn’t just good because of the people in my life, I think it was good because of my appreciation for things. I’ve really begun to appreciate my people a bit more. I think there’s various reasons for that, but overall, it was a very good year for me. And if you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of it. No matter how big or small of a part that you played.

So many times over the last few years, I said that my life had become surreal. It’s still quite surreal, but as I just said about my social life, I have such an appreciation for the surrealness. The surrealness is becoming part of my normal. I get to be a part of things that wouldn’t have seemed possible to me a few years ago. Now, I’m a part of so much and it’s amazing to me how much of I enjoy right now is directly from the 1990s. While that may cover a lot of ground, and I don’t have the time to get into specifics of it, since it would take a long time to type and I don’t want to bore anyone that bothers to read this. But, seriously, I can pinpoint various things from the early-mid 1990s and they’ve somehow led me directly to where I am today.

I’ve appeared in various music videos over the past two years. I’ve done backing vocals on an album. I’ve reconnected with friends. I’ve strengthened friendships. I’ve created new ones. I’ve really enjoyed it all.

And while on the subject of the 1990s, I started reading comic books again during the year. But, in order to not have more collections of things, I’ve been reading the digital versions, and I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying being back in that world again. Of course what I’ve been reading is mostly the new versions of stuff that I enjoyed in my younger days. But, it’s just so good to have it all be new again.

My New Year’s Resolution is ALWAYS the same. It’s always “I want to make it better.” I want my 2024 to be better than my 2023. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s achievable. But, I think it’ll require a bit more effort than I put forth in 2023. I think the biggest motivation for me to put forth all of the necessary effort is that I’m pretty sure that I’m at the point (or beyond it, depending on your perspective of “norm”) where I have no choice. I need do to more to achieve more. When I look back one year from now, I hope to have good things to say about that. And moreso than other years, I think I’m in a good position to get it done. And, I think that I have more support and ability than I’ve had before. There’s 366 days in 2024. That gives me ONE MORE DAY to make it all happen.

They Control the Circuit. The Embodiment of What I’ve Done.

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What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of what’s to come? Am I afraid of what’s happening now? Am I afraid of what’s already happened? In order to attempt to figure out what I’m afraid of, do I need to know why I’m afraid of things? And how is it possible to be afraid of things from my past? Why am I afraid to type this entry? Why am I even more afraid to publish it? I would tell you that these questions keep me up at night, but I’ve been so tired lately that falling asleep usually isn’t an issue.

The future didn’t used to scare me as much as it does now. I’m getting old(er). I’m getting by in life. I’m surviving. I’m not thriving. I’m very much aware that I’m doing better than I’ve ever done before, but I haven’t been able to maximize anything to its fullest potential. Or is this the fullest potential? Questions like that may keep me up if I think about them.

The word “trigger” is used a lot to describe how someone responds to a situation. I’m often triggered by things that people say to me. Words that remind me of something that someone else said that wasn’t positive. I probably won’t tell the person that they’ve said something triggering. It could be because that I didn’t realize it as it was happening or maybe just because I don’t want them to feel bad about something they weren’t aware of.

Why can’t I tell someone if they’re upsetting me? What scares me there? Is it a fear? Is it just due to being told so frequently as a child that my feelings should be kept to myself? Is it due to me being told that my feelings were wrong when I actually did express myself?

Let me say something about that last sentence. I don’t know if feelings can be wrong. I’m all for “feeling what you need to feel when you need to feel it.” If you’re sad about something, be sad. Go through what you need to go through. It’s the only way to get better. And yet, I was told that I can’t do that.

In previous entries, I’ve talked about bullying and how much it impacted me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in a previous entry, but I clearly remember being shoved into a doorway in 8th grade and my immediate reaction was to apologize to the kid that shoved me. I was so afraid of going to school at that time. Should something like that still be traumatic for me over 30 years later? I don’t know, but that specific memory is a strong one.

How does something that happened to me in 1989 or 1990 impact how or why I’m scared of things now? It’s all part of the wiring in my head, my social skills, my ability to connect.

Being programmed to believe that I’m wrong about most things in life has made it very difficult for me to move forward in a lot of aspects. I’m sure that whatever issues exist, they’re my own fault. I’m not able to do anything. Why? Not because I’m necessarily actually wrong, but because I’ve been taught to believe that I am.

I really do believe that my awareness of these things is good. I would like to believe that I’m making SOME progress. I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to reprogram my circuits. Am I doing enough? What more do I need to do? Am I going in the right direction? Am I too scared to do more? Am I too scared to really dig into this?

This entry is a trigger for me. I feel like I’ve gone a little deeper than I had expected to when I first started thinking about it a week or so ago. I’m nervous now. Am I wrong to feel this way? I’ve been told that I am.

A LOT of my recent entries have talked about how well I’ve been doing. And, regardless of everything that you’ve read here, I still think that I am doing well. Even if I’m scared of so much in life, the past, the present, the future, I still think I’m going forward. Even if it’s all so terrifying at times.

Simple Needs, Perversities, You Serve the Shame.

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Very recently, I received a text from someone asking me if I enjoyed a particular Professional Wrestling show. That text confused me. When it was explained that my interests matter, it got me thinking about why that wasn’t normal to me. And thus, we have this blog entry.

Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Professional Wrestling, loud music, and various other things were the interests that I had as a kid that I was told were stupid and not worth my time. I was made to feel less than for liking them. Some of the things that I liked were mocked by classmates of mine. Just about all of them were belittled by my parents. It does a lot of damage to someone’s self esteem when they’re often told that the things they like are not worth it. It’s even worse when it’s everywhere.

As someone that is “middle aged” now, all of the things that I listed at the start of this are still my interests. I’m thrilled that Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and other pop culture things that I liked when I was a kid are going strong today. And I’m even more thrilled that I’m now able to freely enjoy them without the ridicule that I used to endure.

It’s not that there aren’t people out there that will mock those things or the people that like them, but I’ve now found outlets to discuss them and enjoy them with other people. I know everyone has different experiences in the world of Social Media, but I’ve found it to be a valuable tool for me. I have forums to go to for almost all of my interests. And I find it to be very good for me.

I’ve grown up a bit (finally). That doesn’t mean that I need to stop liking the things that I liked when I was 40 years younger. To me, it means that I’ve finally realized that it’s okay to like whatever you like and do whatever you want to do, as long is it’s not harmful to yourself or anyone else. Yes, that last sentence goes beyond enjoying random sci-fi TV shows.

As a kid, I didn’t really have any choice in the people that I interacted with on a daily basis. I would get mocked at school. I would be criticized at home. I had no outlet. If I was mocked at school for liking something that I was also criticized at home for liking, it made me feel ashamed of the things that I liked. Nobody should be embarrassed for having an interest or a passion for a TV show or movie. But, that’s what was done to me.

Realizing that I now have choices as to who I associate with, it’s very freeing.

I’ll be completely honest. There’s a lot of genres of entertainment that I don’t understand. I have friends that like things that I’m not interested in. How does it benefit anyone if I insulted those things or mock those friends for liking them? It would probably make those friends not like me, or at the very least not want to talk about them with me. And knowing how I’ve felt when it’s been done to me, I wouldn’t want to do it to anyone else.

Unfortunately for me, as much as I’ve said that it’s good that I have the outlets to discuss things with people now, so much damage was done for so long that I find it odd when anyone encourages me to share my interests with them. I should not be taken aback when someone texts me to ask me if I enjoyed the wrestling show that I watched the previous night.

I feel that my interests play a huge part in my identity. They partly define me. The belittling in my younger days helped cause the low self esteem that plagued much of my life. I’ve been in a good mental place for a long time now. Being allowed to be me and realizing that the overall majority of people in my life accept, like, encourage, and even share my interests is a good thing.


Everyone needs to find their thing and not be ashamed. I no longer feel ashamed of who I am. I no longer feel embarrassed or scared to discuss the things that I enjoy. I’m finally at the point where I’m proud of all of it. It took me a long time, and I didn’t do it alone. And I think that’s really the point of all of this. Encouragement really does go a long way and is so much better than the alternative.

You Perceive Your Life and Goals Depressed.

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Over the past few days I’ve been given some thought to what I deserve and what I’ve earned. For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time believing that I deserve good things or that I deserve to be happy. As I’ve gotten older and (hopefully) wiser, I’ve wondered if this is nature or nurture, which is a topic that I’ve brought up a few times in my entries.

Whenever I think about me not deserving good things, one specific memory comes to me. For one of my birthdays, I don’t know which one exactly, but I don’t think I was a teenager yet, I was told that I would be getting a television. I remember the TV very clearly. It was tan with a black and white picture. It still had knobs and an antenna. But, the story isn’t that I was gifted a TV. The story is that I protested it. Not because I wanted something different, but because I didn’t deserve it. Or at least, that’s what I kept telling my parents. I don’t know what triggered my lack of worth there, but I remember being very adamant about not being worthy of such a gift.

A different example of a time when I felt a need to suffer was later in life. If I have the timeframe correct, I had just turned 30 and had recently received some bad news. I remember locking myself in my room all day, with the lights out, the air conditioner not turned on (in late July), and just watching some movies. But, this wasn’t for enjoyment. This was designed to make myself feel worse and to deepen my depression. I felt a sense of satisfaction for this one though, because I succeeded in making myself suffer more by not being comfortable all day.

Where does this come from? Why have I been like this? My parents definitely contributed. But, again, is it nature or nurture? One of them attempted treatment for mental health issues. The other wouldn’t acknowledge they exist. Their own issues would get projected upon me, but also the way they treated me would add to it. Is that nature? Is that nurture? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth trying to figure out.

It wasn’t just my parents. I had a difficult time in school. While I was struggling with undiagnosed social anxieties and probably attention deficit issues, I would be mocked by classmates, put down by teachers, and punished by parents. In some ways, I was being punished just for being me.

I don’t know how in-depth that I want to get into some things here because I can already feel my anxiety rising just by what I’ve typed already. Yes, I know that it means that I’m touching on issues that I probably need to discuss more often, but I don’t know if now is the time.

Changing gears slightly, but keeping on topic, over the past few years, I’ve found new levels of comfort, enjoyment, and even some happiness. I say “some happiness” because I think “happy” is a like the platinum level of joy that I rarely attain. Although, then again maybe my programming doesn’t allow me to feel true happiness. See, I can’t get too far from the original topic in this entry.

As I attempt to keep on the positive note that I started in the last paragraph, I’m really grateful for a few people that have pointed out (some multiple times) how good that they think I have it, how the things I do are actually interesting, how I’ve lived a fun life, and how I’m doing good things. What I’ve realized about their observations about me is that the things that they’re talking about aren’t things that have happened recently, they’re things that have been happening for a while. In some cases, decades. But, I haven’t been able to fully enjoy them due to my inability to feel happiness and my need to suffer.

But here’s the thing, I’ve truly had some great moments over the past few years. I’ve often mentioned how “surreal” that certain aspects of my life are. I have such an appreciation for where I am now. I’m starting to believe that good things are actually good. I’m starting to believe that I’m allowed to have good things. Do I deserve this? I don’t know. Have I earned it? Maybe.

I’ve also noticed that the more and more that I do the things that I enjoy, the less that I doubt that I should be doing them. The less that I doubt, the more that I want to do. However, with all of that is still the voice in my head that reminds me that I “can’t” and that quitting is easier. I don’t hear that voice as much as I used to, but it’s still there.

Social media has been a great thing for me. From my days on AOL in the 1990s, to MySpace in the aughts, Facebook and others sites in 2010s and onward, they’ve helped me connect to people that have similar interests and needs. I’ve made legitimate lifelong friends from social media. And I think the point that I’m trying to make here is that by surrounding myself (even in a virtual world) with people who encourage me to be me instead of mocking me, putting me down, or insulting me for being me is what I needed all along. Who knows?

Maybe I should give less thought to where I’ve been and worry more about where I am now. Notice that I said “worry about where I am now” instead of focus. But regardless of how I worded that last sentence, I don’t want to not think about where I’ve been. Good, bad, or indifferent, where I’ve been got to me to where I am. And where I am is good. Or at least, it’s a lot better than it’s been before, and I want to stay here. I think I deserve it. Maybe, I’ve earned it.

Days of Future Past.

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I believe that in order to get somewhere new, you need to know where you’ve been. That’s why I try my best to learn as much about history as possible. It could be through reading books, listening to podcasts, or watching documentaries. I don’t just do it for entertainment purposes, I do it for knowledge. While I really do like reading about American presidents, the Founding Fathers, the history of comedy, and other topics, I also look at my own past for answers.

There is a difference between living in the past and learning from it. I’ve done both. I know them both very well. I’ve had situations in my past that I thought that I really enjoyed and did all that I could to get back to them. Whether it be concerts, events, or even people, I wanted that feeling of enjoyment again. But, sometimes, I’ve also learned that the situations from my past that I thought were good were really not. Hindsight is a good thing.

I’ve always thought that the answers to many of the future’s questions are in the past. Sometimes the future is easy to predict based on precedent. The key to everything is learning. You need to learn and understand the who, what, where, when, why, and how of history. I’m not talking about being able to predict a political scenario based on who won the election of 1844 (it was James K. Polk, by the way). I’m talking about being able to take things from you own past and be able to create a positive future for yourself. It’s not always an easy task. There’s effort required. There’s work required. There’s patience required. And most importantly, there needs to be the desire to do it.

As someone that deals with depression, it’s very easy for me to not notice good things. I’ve often found the bad in many situations. There’s almost a self-destruct mechanism in my brain that makes me need to leave before I really start to enjoy them. It’s taken me a very long time to overcome this. To be honest, I don’t think I have totally overcome it, but I’m just very much aware of it. That’s part of the learning. As of late, that self-destruct mechanism seems to be on-hold. My desire to implode the good isn’t there.

A good amount of my recent entries have mentioned how good things are for me. And that’s still true. In fact, they’re even better than they were when I wrote my last entry. There’s been more positive changes. I was forced to say goodbye to the car that I had for 23 years. Yes, that was a little bit emotional for me. Many miles were traveled in that vehicle. But, out of the ashes of that experience came a new car. My first ever NEW new car. Just the simple fact that I can afford it is one of the positive changes in my life.

Getting back to the past, another thing from my past recently popped up. I’ve embraced this situation (figuratively and literally). I’m enjoying the present and looking forward to the future there. I’m being intentionally vague here for reasons that make sense to me, and maybe a few others that read this.

I just said that I’m “looking forward to the future.” That isn’t something that I often do. Yes, I look forward to specific things that I know are happening (concert, sporting event, etc), but I don’t usually broadly look forward. And to (again) to return to the theme of this entry, not looking forward doesn’t necessarily looking backwards. There is definitely way too much forward momentum in my life right to live in the past, but I know that my past moves me forward. My future is because of my past. Some of my past is pretty dark. Because of all that I’ve learned from my past and things that I’ve experienced, the realization of the things that are important to me, and relationships that I’ve maintained, cultivated, and re-kindled that my future looks bright.

My Words Must Levitate and Reverberate Through the Void.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look at the 46 years of my life that I’ve completed.

By no means are things in my life perfect, but in many aspects, things are better than they’ve ever been. Thanks to some changes in my professional life, I’m in a much better position to make some long overdue changes that I’ve never been able to make before. I’m not quite there yet, but soon, I think I will be.

I’m healthier than I was before. Both mentally and physically. I’ve lost some weight and I’m taking care of my mental health. I’ve put in a lot of effort with myself. More than I have before. But, I still have A LOT of work to do and I need to put in more effort with more time committed to it. If I’m able to do half of what I hope to do, I’ll be so much better off.

For the longest time, I didn’t believe good things about me because I didn’t hear them from anyone. Then, I started to hear good things and I wasn’t capable of believing them. Now, I hear good things and I doubt them a lot less. That’s progress.

The voice in the back of my head that likes to tell me that things are going to fall apart doesn’t talk to me as much as it used to. Yeah, I still hear it from time to time. It likes to remind me of what I can’t do. There’s never a time when it tells me to keep going. It always tells me to quit and likes to convince me that I’ll be better off if I do that. I’m still working on ignoring that voice.

I have to do my best to stop comparing myself to how other people my age are doing. I’ll never feel good about myself if I do that. In many different categories, I would be considered very much below standard. But, if I solely compare myself now to where I’ve been, I’m doing so well. For a while I was saying “there’s never been a better time to be me.” I stopped saying that when a friend said “There’s always been a good time to be you, it’s just a matter of you realizing that.” The voice in the back of my head shouted at me at that point and told me “See, you can’t even praise yourself well.” I laughed all of that off.

A lot of the progress that I’m making in my life will be starting almost from the ground up. I’ve been at Rock Bottom. I’ve often said that it’s a good place to be, since it’s only upward from there. Being slightly above Rock Bottom, and having my head above water is a good place for me to start right now. I could throw in a few more cliches if I felt like it.

But, the point of what I’m saying is that things are going well.

I’m comfortable with where I am now. To be clear, I’m not complacent. I’ve reached a level of comfort that I like. I’m good with where my social life is. I’m good with where my bank account is headed. I’m good with me. That last sentence actually took a lot for me to type. I was hesitant to say it, but I think it’s accurate. For the first time in a very long time, I’m quite optimistic about my future.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. I really am in a good place right now. The good is outweighing the bad. I haven’t always been able to say that. I know that I have a lot of work to do on various things over the next few weeks and months. If I’m able to get that stuff done, I think it’s very possible that this good ride that I’m on will keep on going for a while.