Category Archives: Isolation

The Weakness of Hope Is the Strength of Decline.

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Have I achieved anything? Am I an underachiever? Am I an overachiever? I think the answer to all of those questions depends on someone’s perception of me. I would give my own answer on those questions, but I just don’t know what the answer is.

Most of the times in my life that I have actually achieved any level of success, I was surprised to have gotten there. Does that mean I’ve overachieved? Very often, I had someone telling me “you’re better than that.” Does that mean I underachieved? The voices that told me how I wasn’t doing well enough dominated the formation of my esteem. It’s made it very difficult for me to feel pride in something I’ve done because I’m not sure if it is ever good enough, or even good at all.

If you take what I  just talked about and combine it with other aspects of my depression and anxieties, I’m sometimes amazed that I can even get out of bed in the morning. I have such difficulties in starting tasks sometimes. Is it because I’m afraid to fail? Am I afraid to lose? But, if I believe I’m constantly not living up to my potential, that should mean I’m used to failure and losing, right? And since failure isn’t a good feeling, maybe I just don’t want to feel it again. So if I don’t bother to try something, I can’t actually fail at it, right?

Over the past few years I have personally made significant improvements in my house. However, I’ve watched those improvements go unnoticed, unappreciated, and in many cases, undone. This pattern has made me reluctant to do any more in the house, despite my incredible desire to fix things here because of how incredibly unhappy I am here. Some people would suggest that if I’m so unhappy where I live, I should go someplace else. But that’s not financially possible. And that’s a subject I could go on and on about, and I’ve touched upon it before. But, like the household issue, every time I make financial progress, something happens and my progress goes away.

I ran seven 5k races in 2016. I’ve used my November blog in 2014 and 2015 to talk about them. I’m not going to give a full recap blog this year. My results were very mixed this year. I didn’t set any new records for myself. In fact, in all of the races I ran, I only improved upon one race vs. the year before, and that was by .33 seconds. Many of the results were some of my slower finishes. They were ALL under 30 minutes, which has always been one my goals. And while one race was my 2nd quickest finish and I kept saying that I did the best I could each time, I still have doubts that I didn’t underachieve this year. And I also wonder if I was defeated by my own doubts before the races even began, and that may be why I skipped one race at the end. I didn’t have confidence that I could do it in under 30 minutes.

The race scenario is just one example that I thought of because it’s a recent thing. Quitting isn’t something I do often. Once I am committed to something, I’m actually committed to it. But that’s really because I’m afraid to let someone down. The voices in my head often weigh the options, loudly. Big decisions don’t come easy to me, and because of my fear of consequences, even the smallest of decisions can become big decisions for me. Quitting isn’t the issue. Starting is.

It’s difficult for me to confront someone with issues I have. Even if I know without any shadow of a doubt that I’m right. Some people can make me feel wrong even in those situations. I don’t have the confidence in myself to do anything about it or to even make my case. Why is that? Am I afraid to offend someone? Have I been conditioned that being right isn’t good? Am I afraid that if I point out someone else’s mistake that it somehow poorly reflects on me?

Nature vs. nurture? Product of my environment? They’re both accurate with me. At 40 years old, is there still hope for me? Some would say there is. Others would say I should have figured this stuff out years ago. And that’s just it. Whoever would say those things to me may not even be around anymore, but I still hear them. My own belief is that it is good that I’m aware of these issues. That may be why I have this internal struggle, because I’m fighting my own programming and trying to make positive changes. Yes, it’s an uphill battle with lots of obstacles, but I have to keep trying, even if the voices tell me otherwise.

 

It Must Sound Too Far Fetched, but You Can Bet Your Bottom Dollar I Ain’t Going like the Rest.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I’m 40 years old. I’ve spent much of my adult life struggling with my esteem, my self worth, and my financial worth. I keep trying to crawl up to be above the Poverty Line. I’ve also spent a great deal of my life being told how awful the place I lived was. I was told how bad my house is. I was told how my interests and beliefs don’t matter. I was taught to believe I would never amount to anything. I was taught to believe the place I lived was no good. I was taught not to like my surroundings. I was taught to believe there isn’t any hope. And much of these teachings came from inside my own house.

I’m one person. I’m only one person. I’m one person that’s been in a holding pattern in life. Sometimes I say I’m rebuilding. Sometimes I just think I’m building. But, I’m just one person. I’m one person that has the same opportunity as everyone else in the United States of America has. I’m one person that has the same chances and the same rights as everyone else has, right? In theory, yes, but in practice?

Imagine the story I just told about myself from a different perspective. Imagine you came from a family in a much more economically challenged area than I live in. Imagine you came from a family of people that weren’t granted equal rights as everyone else until 50 years ago. Imagine, while you were able to go to school and get a job like everyone else, you weren’t paid the same. Now imagine that it’s now illegal for you to not have the same opportunities as everyone else, but you’ve been behind the curve for so long that it’s more difficult to catch up. Now imagine just after you’ve been granted these opportunities, the economic system in the country you live in drastically changes and doesn’t seem to help out the people on the bottom and in the middle as much as it does the people at top. And imagine you’re told by the people in your community that there’s no hope and the people outside your community always look down upon you and let you know it. Just imagine how frustrated and angry you may be?

As I said, I’m just one person. Imagine it’s an entire race, or ethnicity, of people. It’s not hard to imagine, because it’s what’s been happening for years. I know people will read this and immediately start talking about how there’s welfare and other social safety net solutions to help the poor communities, but do you know what would help them a lot more? A reversal of fortune due to a reversal of economic policies currently in place designed to help very few.

When discussing something with a former co-worker, I mentioned towns like Paterson, Newark, and Camden. They’re all in New Jersey and they’re all predominantly minority in demographics. They’re all crime ridden areas. And they were all once thriving areas. When I said something about those towns being bad areas, the reply was “what do they all have in common?” Yes, the implication was they’re all bad because they’re minorities. Well, how about they’re all bad areas because society has left them behind. They’re bad areas because for 35 years, this country has catered to the rich and has left the poor behind. In a cause/effect scenario, they’re not the initial cause. The places they live and the conditions they live in are the effect.

In 1981, the “Trickle Down Economic” plan was put into place. It lowered taxes on the wealthy and raised taxes on the middle class (multiple times). The idea was if the rich had more money, they would create more businesses. More businesses would mean more jobs. More jobs would mean more people would make more money. More money would boost a somewhat stagnant economy. It’s been 35 years. The trickle never happened. The rich got richer. The poor got poorer. And the hopes of many people, communities, and cities diminished.

I have been working multiple jobs for a few years now. I have been spending more money in that time period than I had since I used credit cards. I’ve also been saving money. Of course, I have almost no free time now. Just imagine if I was able to make the amount of money I make per week, working one job, and only 40 hours. And imagine if everyone else had the same opportunity. We would have a thriving economy. It’s a simple concept.

And before anyone states that if I had better jobs or a better education, let me state that I have worked full-time jobs for over 20 years. I’m currently working multiple part-time jobs due to circumstances beyond my control. But while working full-time jobs, I was still under the poverty line. 32-40 hours per week and needing a second job just to be able to afford enough enough gas in my car to get to the grocery store to buy enough food to last until my next paycheck, but I’m just one person. I don’t have children or anyone else relying on my income. I’m just one person.

I’m just one person that has read a lot about history and politics. I’ve read enough to know that after all of the social programs that were put into place in the 1930s by President Franklin Roosevelt after the Great Depression, our country thrived. People had jobs. They had protections in place to make sure they had job security. People earned enough money working one 40 hour per week job that it wasn’t necessary for two parents to work in one household. In many cases, the father worked and the mother stayed home with the kids. That simple trait isn’t an option for most people now.

Our country’s infrastructure was built in the 1940s and 1950s. Our Interstate Highway system was constructed and paid for by tax dollars and tolls. The country’s highways and bridges have fallen into disrepair over the past few years as less and less tax dollars have come in.

Is it a coincidence that we don’t see as many “one bread winner” households now? Is it a coincidence that our roads look the way they do now? No, it’s not. The Trickle didn’t happen. And it never will.

Our inner cities are failing. The people in those places are not to blame. Many of the people in those cities have never been given the chances that their somewhat recently acquired rights have granted them. Those cities don’t have tax revenue. They don’t have anything in place to keep them going.

I admit this entry is a bit disjointed. But, I’m trying to cram in as much as I can into as short of an entry as I can because I actually want people to read it. With more time to commit to the entry, I could probably load it with quotes, statistics, and other researched facts. But, as I’ve said a few times, I’m just one person.  I’m one person that has read a lot about social and economic issues. And I’m one person whose voice has often been silenced.But I’m one person that based on skin tone, many of you think has had a better chance than people that look differently than me. To some degree, I have had more chances, but that doesn’t mean the system is set up to be in my favor. The chances granted to me often come from how I look and who I know. It’s not necessarily due to anything else.

I’m just one person. But, I’m one person that knows how the system is played. I’m one person that knows the game needs to change. I’m one person that has a voice, even if it’s only really heard here, and only by a handful of people.

Change is needed. And change often starts with just one person.

Sophistry and Chicanery.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I had been thinking of writing about this particular topic for a while. I’ve actually been writing down ideas and concepts for it for a few weeks. And then luckily for me, an event happened in the news and it made my idea even more timely and relevant.

A few days ago, a player for the San Francisco 49ers, Colin Kaepernick chose to not stand up for the National Anthem out of protest. The outrage displayed towards him on social media sites and on talk radio is exactly as expected. People are saying he’s a disgrace. They’re saying he’s unpatriotic. They’re saying he’s un-American. They’re also saying he doesn’t respect his freedoms and liberties given to him by being an American. I think the people saying that are missing the point. The point is the freedoms given to him by being an American allow him to protest the National Anthem by not standing up for it. And let’s be honest about it, in a country that allows such freedoms, standing for an anthem is not a mandatory thing to do.

Before you go off and crucify me for writing the above paragraph, please keep reading this entry. If you feel the need to call me names afterwards, go ahead, but try to let some of my points make an impact first.

I really believe that we, as a society, put too much emphasis on symbolism and certain ideologies. Since this is a Presidential election year, we’re getting a lot of that. The Republicans and Democrats held their respective conventions last month to name their nominee for the Presidency. The Republicans chanted “USA” more than the Democrats and waved more American flags than the Democrats, or so it’s been reported. Does that make the Republicans like America more than the Democrats? Does that mean that Republicans are more patriotic?

Simply put, NO. It doesn’t. It’s just the narrative created about it.

As a (mostly) independent voter, I don’t look at who waves flags or who sings “God Bless America” louder than the other person. I don’t really care who has a bigger flag. And that’s really what it’s come down to, who has the bigger flag. I look at who has the ideas, concepts, plans, and the platform to put into place a system that will benefit me and the American people the best. Who speaks about loving the country more than the opposition is not relevant.

To me, the flag is just a symbol. The Pledge of Allegiance, which I have recited thousands of times, is just a symbol. Standing for the National Anthem is just a symbolic gesture. If I chose not to say the Pledge or to not stand, it doesn’t mean I care about America less than someone that sings the Anthem at the top of their lungs.

I study history and I study politics. I see how divided of a nation we are. Personally, I think we’re as divided on many issues as we’ve ever been, notwithstanding, that whole Civil War thing in the 1860s.

Colin Kaepernick is being chastised for his stance…
pun intended.
He’s been mocked. He’s being insulted. The narrative about his story is now how unpatriotic he is. Why aren’t enough people looking at the cause he was trying to bring attention to. Kaepernick said he didn’t stand because “I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”

The narrative has become about him. It hasn’t become even remotely close to what he was speaking about.

And of course, some people are also saying that somehow his actions have also turned into a show of disrespect to people in the United States Military and police. Again, I don’t see it that way. It’s possible to agree with his opinion and support military and police. They don’t have to be different issues.

I’m getting a little too drawn into this particular issue here. To me, the issue is still symbolism and false narratives. I believe words such as “patriotic,” “freedom,” and “liberty” have almost been taken hostage by politicians and pundits to be used against people that have differing views. My views are not the same as everyone’s. I’m glad they’re not. I like dissent. This country was founded on dissent. This blog entry’s title was taken from a quote by one of our Founding Fathers, John Adams, and nobody was better at dissent than he was. Adams knew about division and symbolic gestures. But, he also knew that actions and doing things that were unpopular could promote, or create, a greater good.

Just as simply as I got pulled into the narrative here about Colin Kaepernick, we as a country often get pulled into narratives that distract from the real story. The real story should be what he is protesting. The issues he’s attempting to draw attention to are more important than people getting upset with him. He shouldn’t be THE story. To be completely honest, I didn’t even know what team he was on or what position he played until the headlines about him, and I also don’t care about what his profession is. I don’t care how much money he makes. I certainly didn’t know about his bi-racial upbringing. That shouldn’t be held against him or used to somehow discredit what he’s saying. Those facts are not relevant or important. What is truly important is what he was attempting to draw attention to. Do you see how easily we get distracted here?

And that leads me to my next point. Again, as we tend to get distracted and angered by the narratives created by media and social networks, we really do fail to think about the real issues. Many times these narratives are purposely created to get us angered. They’re there to make us upset with the other side. They’re there to distract us and to make us dislike people and things with opposing views. We need to stop this from happening. When Election Day comes in a few months, we need to vote with our heads, not our hearts. We need to be educated on the real issues, not the made up ones. Our decision to choose one candidate over another needs to be done with a lot of thought and research into the issues that are truly important.

I’m not going to use this entry to try to persuade anyone to vote any particular way. Unfortunately, I believe many people’s minds have been made up, especially in regards to this year’s Presidential election. I’m hoping this entry persuades people to look at issues differently. I’m hoping people will see that what Colin Kaepernick did is NOT unpatriotic, it’s actually THE MOST patriotic act possibly under the United States Constitution. I’m hoping that people realize that there’s many more important things than symbolism. There’s more important things than just flags and songs. Very simply, the most important thing here are facts, not symbols.

And since the title of this entry is taken from John Adams and I’m saying that facts matter, I’ll end it with a quote from President Adams. I believe it’s an important one that we need to really listen to. He was a wise man that relied on facts for judgment, not popular opinion. We need to follow that example.

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”

 

Pat Yourself on the Back and Give Yourself a Handshake, ‘Cause Everything is Not Yet Lost.

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I don’t enjoy being depressed. I really don’t. But, as I attempt to find a bright side to my struggle with depression, it’s that I find being depressed helps my creativity. Some of my better blog entries have come at some of my lowest points. That brings to me to a unique problem that I’m dealing with right now.

I’ve committed myself to writing at least one blog per month. It’s now the end of July and I haven’t published anything yet. July was a pretty busy month for me. Between my full time job and my part time job, I worked a lot. I also had a pretty big and positive change in my social life as well. So, due to all of those reasons, I haven’t had much time to sit down and write anything. But, there’s also another reason I haven’t written an entry yet this month, and it’s a big one…

I just don’t know what to write about. Yes, I have a case of writer’s block. If that’s the consequences of being in a good mood, I guess I’ll just have to accept it. I’ve never liked settling for anything, but I’ll gladly settle here.

Throughout the month, I’ve had a few concepts for blog entries. Some of which had me digging deep into some family issues. Some of them had me getting somewhat political. Some of them had me getting into some history issues. Some were a combination of all three. Yes, I’m capable of doing that. Trust me.

Although, I do have to confess that not everything is good. As of yesterday, I no longer have a full time job. The company I worked for has gone out of business. I worked there until the very end and was literally one of the last employees left in the building. I enjoyed my time at that job, but now it’s gone and with it goes my health benefits. But, I’ve been here before and I’ve risen out of it. The other times I’ve lost jobs were less expected and left me a bit more bitter. But, due to having a part time job, in which I can get more hours, I’m not particularly concerned about income at the moment.

The positive attitude I’ve had recently is not what I’m used to. It’s not what I would usually say is “my normal.” It’s different for me. And very often, when I feel this way, I also have a feeling of impending doom. This time, I don’t have it. I don’t want it. I’m glad it’s not there. It could come back, I’m not naive to that. And no, me saying that isn’t me having the usual dread. It’s just a reality.

My depression and life experiences have shown me that usually when things are going well for me, something bad is coming. It’s the feeling of dread I often have. As of this moment, I don’t have that. I’m quite aware that I don’t have it. And it doesn’t confuse me. To some of you, this paragraph may seem weird. I’m writing about the usual dread I have when in a good mood for an extended time and how I’m not confused by the my enjoyment of it. I’ll be honest, it’s not something I’m completely used to, but I’m just going with it.

Even with the employment issues I’m about to face, my biggest problem with this past month is really this blog entry. I’m bothered that I have so little to say. I guess  I know what some of my goals for August are:
– look for work
– run more often and attempt to lose 10 pounds
– write (at least) one really good and in depth blog entry

I think all three of those goals are attainable. There’s varying levels of difficulty with them, but I still think I can handle it. Wow, I’m still sounding optimistic. It’s definitely not what I’m used to. But, I kind of like it.

For Every Dream That is Left Behind Me, I Take A Bow.

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I always get very reflective during this time of year. Well, more than usual, that is. My birthday is July 3rd, and that means it’s time for me to look back on a year of life and think about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. However, this year is a little bit different. I’m turning 40 on this year’s July 3rd. Yes, my countdown to 40 years of age is now at just 3 days to go (as of when this is being published).

A few days ago, I looked back at a copy of the blog I wrote for my 30th birthday. I had a different, less serious writing style then. From reading that particular entry, I can’t get a good gauge of what I was feeling at that time, but I think that was the point of what I wrote and how I wrote it then. A lot has changed for me over the past 10 years, but then again, a lot has remained the same. I don’t know if the part that hasn’t changed is good or bad.

One thing is for certain, I have a much better perspective of what’s important in life. The past 10 years have seen me deal with significant loss, emotional lows, financial turmoil, loss of jobs, and relationship issues. I’ve documented basically all of them in my entries here, and there’s links there if you want to read more.
The past 10 years have also given me some emotional highs, (a bit more) financial freedom than I’m used to, new jobs, and new relationships. It all goes back to the balance I’ve spoken of a few times. But, it’s also about my perspective on things.

It’s very easy for me to look at where I am at 40 and think I’m not “where I’m supposed to be.” I never thought at this age I would still be living in the same house that I grew up in. I never thought I wouldn’t be married. I never thought I would be struggling paycheck to paycheck as I have. But, that’s where I am. And while it does get to me sometimes that I’m not further along, I also know that I could have it A LOT worse. Trust me, there’s some struggles and strife being in this house, and that’s a topic for a few entries, but at a later time. I do have enough perspective to know that it’s not all bad.

I started my 30s with an overbearing amount of credit card debt. I eliminated that over 3 years ago. Not having that burden weighing me down is an incredible feeling. However, as I’ve stated, I am struggling financially. I am currently a full time employee at a company that won’t exist much longer, while also working part time jobs on the side, just to survive. I have a bit of uncertainty with my current employment situation. I felt much more secure there 10 years ago. I was paid better and had job security, but all of my money was going towards my debt. Now, I’m paid less, have no job security, but no debt. Balance?

In some ways, I’ve given up on the dream of finding that one job that is THE ONE for me, if that makes sense. I am more concerned about being comfortable enough at a job, while not being complacent. I am concerned about that job providing enough for me to live comfortably, and hopefully with health benefits. My priorities have definitely switched. But, don’t get me wrong, if I were in a position to make a little less to do something that I absolutely loved doing, I probably would.

Getting back to what I said about my writing style from 10 years ago, it was definitely different. I would say what I had to say, but it was mostly incredibly vague. I wasn’t able to really express myself. In some cases, I wasn’t really allowed to. And, I was definitely not comfortable enough to do so. I had so much built up inside of me, but it never came out. It just stayed there until it faded into nothingness. This itself is a possible future topic.

One thing I am definitely aware of from when I turned 30 was where my health and weight was. I gained a lot of weight at this time 10 years ago. I had gone up to 230 pounds and was just basically not really active. It was during that summer that I first joined a gym, changed some of my eating habits, and hoped to get healthier. Here I am 10 years later, and I’m in the best shape of my life. I workout daily, I run a few times per week, and I’ve participated in twenty 5k races (as of this writing). I don’t see that changing.

The simple fact that I have pride in some of my accomplishments over the last few years is a big change from where I was 10 years ago. Hell, it’s a change from where I was 5 years ago. The fact that I can write these entries as openly as I do is a big thing for me. I would never have been able to do this a few years ago. But, I realize how important it is for me to have an outlet. There were things in my way. Some were just mental blocks, some were bigger than that. Some of those obstacles are not here anymore and it’s good to be able to express myself. To be completely honest, sometimes I even surprise myself in these entries with my ability to open up.

A few years ago, a friend read a particular blog entry I made and he told me he wanted to sit down and talk to me about some things from it. He’s a few years older than I am, and told me how much his life started to improve at age 40. Here, I am just days away from that milestone and even with a big bit of uncertainty about some aspects of my life, I’m starting to believe him a bit. I’ve noticed recently in situations where my defaults would kick in, they haven’t. My fears have not kicked in. My confidence is higher than I’m used to. But, even with all of that said, and even with all of the losses I’ve had in the past 10 (and even 40) years, I’m more optimistic than I’ve been on a long time. So maybe my friend was right. I’ll let you know in a few years.

Free as a Bird.

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Throughout my life, the happiest individual I’ve ever encountered was Jim. In almost every situation I ever saw Jim in, he was happy. Even if something bad had happened to him, once it was over, he was happy again. He almost made happiness look simple, even as there were some factors working against him, and for much of his life, he did have some things in his way.

Jim was a parakeet that I had for almost 10 years. He came to me when I was in 4th grade. My family has had birds since I was a child. I lived across the street from an elementary school and one day while sitting in class during 4th grade, an announcement was made stating that a parakeet had flown into the gymnasium and if anyone lived in the area and had a bird, they should come to the office. I went there, but by that time, they had him covered under a box and wouldn’t let it up in case he took off. But, the school secretary called my house and spoke to my mother who checked and both of the parakeets we had at the time were accounted for. However, she also said that we would take him and keep him until someone claimed him. Nobody ever did, and he stayed with us. We named him Jim due to him flying into the gym at the school. Yeah, we were clever like that.

We had no idea how old Jim was at the time. But, the tag on his foot indicated that he may have been 2 years old when we got him. He wasn’t a tame bird, in the sense that he would very rarely come out and fly around the house and play with people like some other birds we’ve had would do. But, he would still happily sit in his cage, eat, play, and chirp. He was always chirping. He even shared my love of hard rock. His favorite band was Nirvana, and his favorite song was “Heart Shaped Box.” He always reacted to that song.

Another parakeet we had, JJ also wasn’t as tame as others. He just wouldn’t play with people. And at one point, maybe just to save room in the house, we decided to make JJ and Jim roommates. They got along, but JJ was definitely the Alpha Male in the cage. Even though Jim was a bigger bird, JJ quickly established that it was HIS room and Jim was second fiddle. A great example of this would be if the two of them were both on the swing in the cage, JJ would stand as close to the center as possible and Jim would be pushed up against the side of the swing. Sometimes, he would even have one foot on the swing and one foot on the side of the cage, just so he could be partially on the swing.

But, let me get back to an example of why I believe Jim was the happiest creature ever. There was a time when I heard some commotion in the cage. I looked and Jim had gotten his foot caught in a toy. It was a round ball/bell with slits in it. He got his foot stuck and was flapping and screaming in an effort to get out. I went over to help. I grabbed him, and he bit me, but not to hurt, just to grip. He understood the help I was trying to provide. I actually couldn’t get him out, but my mother was able to. Within minutes of his foot being removed from the toy, he was on a perch in the cage (with the foot up in the air), but his head feathers were up and he was chirping a happy chirp. The trauma was over, time to move on and sing. That’s how he lived his life.

At the time we had JJ and Jim, we also had some other birds, including Sparky. Sparky was another special bird. She was incredibly friendly and loved coming out and playing with people. She also liked playing with JJ and Jim. We would sometimes put her in their cage and let them play for a while. JJ often dominated the playtime. There were times when he wouldn’t let Jim near her. One time, we had their cage in the kitchen and we brought Sparky in and put her in their cage. JJ started with his dominance and Jim snapped. He went after him. The two of them were LITERALLY rolling around on the bottom of the cage fighting. Of course, when this happened, Sparky went to the front door of the cage and stared at me until I opened it. Once I did, she took off and flew back to her cage. She wanted no part of that. Once JJ and Jim realized she had left, they stopped fighting. JJ sat in the corner of the cage for a while and Jim went right back to chirping. The problem was over, time to move on and sing.

The fighting I described just now was not common. It was the only time it happened. For the most part, Jim just accepted that JJ was the boss. The swing belonged to JJ. If JJ wanted a particular toy that Jim was playing with, Jim would let him have it. But, he still seemed happy.

Unfortunately, JJ ended up getting sick and he died. We feared for Jim’s health at this point, but he lasted a few more years. Without JJ there, the one thing I noticed first about Jim wasn’t a loneliness, but how his patterns of behavior didn’t change. When he was on his swing, he would still stand off to the side. If there were other spots that he was almost forced into staying in because JJ made it that way, Jim would still go to those spots. It took him a very long time to realize he was allowed to do things differently. He was able to break his programming a little bit.

So, what is the whole point of me writing about a parakeet? It’s not just for nostalgia reasons. While I do like talking about my birds and how much I like them, this particular story is one I relate to a bit. Jim being forced into a way of doing things, being programmed to feel secondary, and not always being able to do anything about is pretty similar to my own story. I’ve often spoken of my programming and I’ll be getting more and more into that in upcoming entries, I’m sure. But, there’s more to it than that.

Jim’s been gone for almost 20 years, but there’s lessons to be learned from him. He showed that IT IS POSSIBLE to break bad programming. He showed IT IS POSSIBLE to move on from adversity. And maybe most importantly, he showed that it is possible to just enjoy yourself, even if things may not be that good at the time. I need to follow his example. But, I do have to say that in all honesty, I don’t know if I’m capable of being as happy as Jim was in life. I don’t know if anyone is, but if I can get to just half of the level of happiness and half of the carefree attitude that he had, I’ll be in a very good place.

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Jim (on the left) and JJ in 1989.

 

 

A Channel for the Pain.

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Despite what people may think if they’ve read a few of my entries, I don’t actually like writing about depression. I would really like to have happier topics to write about, and sometimes I’ll sneak an upbeat blog entry in. But, the majority of what I write on here does deal with depression and anxiety. As I’ve said a few times, I’ve been programmed to doubt myself. I’ve been programmed to not like myself. Some people have said I shouldn’t think about it so much, but I’ve realized that the only way I can uncover more layers of my issues is to think about and to discuss it.

This entry though, while it will touch upon some of my issues isn’t really about me. It’s about anyone else that has some form of mental illness and needs an outlet. I feel that as much as I need to vent sometimes, others probably need it a lot more. So, bare with me in this entry as I attempt to discuss a pretty serious topic that, unfortunately I’ve touched on before.

I don’t claim to have the answers. Sometimes, I don’t even know what the questions are. That’s part of my daily struggle. I have no doubt that part of my anxiety is caused by wanting answers to my problems. I may not have answers, and I may have a lot of uncertainty, but there is one thing I am certain of, and that’s simply that I have to keep going.

Very recently, someone that I didn’t know, but some of my friends did know, decided he couldn’t keep going. He made a choice to end his life. I am very sad over this. I’m not just sad for my friends, but I’m also sad because (it seems) that depression claimed another one.

I don’t know the details of what was wrong with him or what lead to his decision. From what I’ve learned about the situation, nobody had any real indication of anything being so severe that this could have happened. I don’t know if it knowing anything in advance would make it any less painful for his friends and family.

The story I’m telling here is one of the reasons I write these entries. It’s my therapy. It’s my outlet. It’s my venting. It’s my way of helping myself. It’s my way of letting people know me. It’s my way of letting people know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s my way of letting people know that it’s okay to not be okay.

I know that very often I repeat themes in my blog entries, but that’s because sometimes themes in my life repeat. I try to learn from them, and sometimes that means I have to revisit them. Sometimes, it’s not even by choice that I revisit them, but I do it. Regardless of that, I deal with it. I do what I need to do to get from one day to the next. No matter how sad, melancholy, downtrodden, lonely, or flat out depressed I get, I keep going. I have to. I know that.

Too many people feel they can’t keep going. I feel for them. I grieve for them. I wish I could have helped them. I wish someone could have helped them. I wish they could have helped themselves.

About this time last year, a friend of mine told me about a time she wanted to hurt herself. She said she may have wanted to take it to an unfortunate and ultimate end. She assured me she was okay by the time she had told me about it, but was still a bit down. I told her that she and I would go out for coffee and she would talk, I would listen. And that’s what we did. She’s in a much better place in life now, so she tells me. She also recently told me that she had passed a full year without any self harm. I congratulated her on that and she thanked me for being supportive and for playing a role in her recovery. I know I’m not THE reason she’s better off now, but I know I played a small part in it and I’m proud of that and I’m proud of her.

People need to be able to speak about their problems. Keeping them inside leads to more pain. That growing pain may manifest itself in life altering decisions. Those decisions may have irreversible consequences.

THAT is why I write these. THAT is why I reach out to people. And THAT is why I will continue to write about this topic when I feel I need to. I want to know that I’m okay. I want to know it’s okay if I’m not okay. I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay. And we all need to know that one day things might be okay.

Tonight I’m Trying and I See All Dread in Me.

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A few weeks ago, I almost had a bad day. Actually, I just thought I was going to have a bad day. Because of those thoughts, I ended up having a bad day. Absolutely nothing really went wrong during that day. In fact, I had resolved a few issues early in the day and things were looking good. But, one thought planted in my head caused me to have an overwhelming feeling of dread.

That type of thing is not abnormal for me. The reality is, I expect bad things to happen. And I definitely expect them to happen if I’ve been having a string of good things happen for a while. Unfortunately, when I start thinking bad things are going to happen, my depression kicks in. Yes, the thought of bad things happening to me makes me depressed and that causes my anxiety to act up, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes I’m depressed because I think I’m going to be depressed.

I’ve spoken of my programming and my default settings. I’ve been programmed to think I don’t deserve good things. I’ve been programmed to believe bad things are going to happen to me. I’ve been programmed to think I’m beneath other people. I’ve been programmed to feel inadequate. I’ve been programmed to believe my interests, thoughts, and aspirations are childish, silly, or stupid. Any time I start to think things contrary to my programming, it confuses me and I often revert back to the default setting.

As I said at the beginning of this entry, sometimes I know there’s a depression episode coming and once the knowledge of it comes to me, it’s basically the trigger for me to shut down emotionally, feel sick to my stomach, or whatever my body does at that time during the episode. There are times when I can fight it off, but I almost feel that’s putting off the inevitable or even living in denial. There’s times when I welcome the emotional shut down. It’s almost an “okay, bring it on, let’s get this over with” type of feeling. Although, I don’t know how long it’s going to last. One day? Two days? One week? One month? I never know.

When I started typing this, I wasn’t feeling too bad. But, as I get more and more into it, I started to feel some anxiety. I think it’s a good thing, in this case. It means emotions are bubbling up to the surface. That’s why I write these. That’s why I’ll talk to anyone willing to listen. That’s why I will continue to do whatever I know will be helpful to me. Keeping this to myself just makes it worse. There’s no “light at the end of the tunnel” if I keep it to myself. In fact, keeping to myself makes me feel like the tunnel is never ending and possibly caving in on me.

These entries may sometimes seem repetitious. I know that I touch on the same topics that I’ve touched on before. But, that’s because I have to. It’s because the issues still exist. The symptoms still exist. I don’t talk about it just to talk about it. I don’t talk about it for attention. I certainly don’t talk about it for pity. I’m not a martyr. I’m someone that lives WITH depression and anxiety. I’m not someone that lives FOR depression and anxiety.

I’ve said a few times that I think I’m just scratching the surface with some of my issues. Over the last few months, I’ve read a book and listened to a podcast from a particular person. So many things he’s said about his own depression and anxiety, his family, his relationships, and his worries in general hit home hard with me. The issues are so similar. And that’s reminds me of something I’ve said multiple times in these entries, I’m NOT alone. There are others going through similar issues. I’ve reached out to a few friends recently about some of these problems. Some of us even had a good laugh over the concept of being depressed due to anxiety caused by the fear of an oncoming depression. We laugh about it because we have to. We would probably completely lose our minds if we didn’t.

This entry right here, this is just another chapter in a story that’s ongoing. It’s another day in the life, although sometimes it’s multiple days. As I’ve said before, I’m not giving up. I’ll continue to deal with this, even if the thought of that fight makes me anxious, which causes me to get depressed, which causes more anxiety, which causes more depression…

Yes, the struggle is real. The dread I see and feel is real. But, my determination to keep going is as well.

Should You Go Crossing That Silvery Brook, It’s Best To Leap Before You Look.

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A few big name celebrities have died over the last few months. Some of those names, David Bowie in particular, prompted a lot of comments and conversation on the social networks. Personally, I read many comments from people talking about sad they were, how devastated they were, and how much Bowie meant to them. I also read comments from people mocking other people’s sadness over someone they’ve never met. I really do have a serious problem with that.

There’s been a few times when a celebrity death has hit me hard. I wrote about my feelings on the death of Robin Williams. That one was difficult for me. In 2015 we lost Dusty Rhodes and Roddy Piper. As a lifelong fan of Professional Wrestling, those two losses were crushing to me, especially Roddy Piper, he was the reason I became of fan of that industry to begin with. I did meet Piper one time, but I never met Dusty Rhodes. I cried when those two died. I cried when Robin Williams died. In 1995, I cried when Mickey Mantle died. He retired from Major League Baseball 7 years before I was born. I know there’s been other celebrity deaths that have brought me to tears, but these are some of the ones that I can think of at the moment.

The point some of the critics had about people I’ve never met is only true to a very small degree. I haven’t met most of the celebrities that I’ve shed the tears over. They weren’t personal friends of mine, they weren’t family, they didn’t mean anything to me. Well, that’s just it. They were like friends of mine, they were like family, and they meant a lot to me and to many others as well.

In the cases of Dusty Rhodes and Roddy Piper specifially, those two spent their entire lives putting their bodies on the line in Professional Wrestling. I spent countless hours of my childhood being hooked by what they were doing and countless hours of my adult life admiring what they had been through just to entertain people. They brought smiles and happiness to many people. And those two, like so many other celebrities, entertainers, musicians, actors, and artists spend their lives making other people forget about their problems. That’s what friends do for one another.

I did not choose to be upset about any of their deaths. Just like I don’t choose to be upset when a relationship or a friendship has problems. I don’t choose to be happy when something goes well for me. Despite what I’ve heard recently on the radio (which may be a topic for a different time), I believe people cannot choose to be happy or sad. It’s what emotions do. People that are in touch with their emotions and allow their emotions to flow naturally feel what they’re supposed to feel at that time. There really isn’t much of a choice to it.

Do not tell me, or anyone else, that crying because a musician who has been entertaining people for over 40 years has died that we don’t have a right to feel sad or to shed tears of that. Do not tell me that it’s silly for that to happen. Do not tell me that the death of a “c-list” celebrity isn’t important enough to acknowledge on Facebook or Twitter. That person, while maybe not as famous as others, gave of him or her self to entertain us. Do not tell me what I am allowed to feel, because nobody can tell me what or how to feel, not even myself.

How Long Will it Take Until There Will Be Room Again For Hope?

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At the end of every year I ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Looking back at older blog entries I’ve seen that the answer has varied. But, if my biggest regrets of 2015 are failing to read one book per month and still not being able to successfully do the Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga, I think it’s safe to say that yes, I’m better off at the end of 2015 than I was one year ago.

It’s no secret that one of the biggest sources of constant frustration for me has been my financial situation. I have been living paycheck to paycheck for so long. It’s more like surviving paycheck to paycheck. There’s been little to no money left before the next paycheck would arrive. I kept trying to get a second or a better paying job. I would fill out application after application and I would rarely ever hear back from anyone. Then, I started getting replies. I went on some interviews. The first time I had only one interview. The second time I had more than one. I didn’t get hired those times, but simply because I kept going further in the process I had a little bit more confidence. Then something happened, I got hired.

The hiring at this job wasn’t necessarily the good thing I had hoped though. After going through an interview with two assistant managers at the location and seeing them impressed with my resume and what they thought I could accomplish, they set up an interview with the big manager. He also said he was impressed with my resume, but figured I needed a new challenge and assigned me to work in a department that had nothing to do with anything I had applied for. It was an area I didn’t know much about and the pay was commission based. I reluctantly accepted the position, but after just over one month of it, I knew it wasn’t for me at all. Working the two jobs was draining me of all of my energy. Due to the hours I was working and the little amount of time I had between jobs, I was not sleeping much. I had no time to do anything I needed to do at my house. And instead of being depressed that I had no money or food, I was depressed because I had no time to get any good food or to do anything besides work. To make a somewhat longer story than it needed to be shorter, I left that job. But, this story doesn’t end there. I ended up getting another second job that was much better for my schedule. I still have time to do what I need to do and I actually enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not living comfortably now. I’m just living a lot less uncomfortably.

If you didn’t know the whole story, you would say my social life isn’t any better than it was one year ago. But, I think it is. I reconnected with some old friends, I strengthened many friendships, and I made a few new friends as well. Sure, I’ve remained single throughout the year and I still have feelings of loneliness, but I also have a feeling of hope that I haven’t had in a very long time. Much like the job situation, I think I’m getting closer with each effort to change that. Each bit of discouragement here is discouraging me less, if that makes sense.

Last month I wrote about the races I ran in 2015 and how proud of my accomplishments I am. I ended 2014 not being able to complete a 5k in under 29 minutes. I ran 9 races in 2015 and only one was above 29, with a few of them being under 28 minutes, and my fastest being only 7.8 seconds away from 27 minutes. I have a pretty clear goal for 5k races in 2016.

In last year’s entry, I spoke about how I couldn’t get my weight under 200 pounds. I had been so close, but I was never able to make it there. I spent much of 2015 in the 195 range. In 2016 I want to stay (or get back) there and possibly get a little bit lower as well. I spent much of my life believing I couldn’t be in better shape, now I know I can. I also know I can be even better than I am. The mental “programming” I’ve spoken of in other entries is being changed little by little. Although, I’ve also learned (and quickly) that my metabolism is not great anymore and as soon as I slow down the workouts, my weight can go up quickly. I’ll be getting back to basics and working towards what I want to achieve.

While speaking of my programming. I did have my share of struggles with depression and anxiety during the year, but it wasn’t as bad as previous years had been. If nothing else, as I get older, I do get a little wiser and I am able to handle and manage my issues slightly better. I know I’ll continue to deal with this, and I’m sure I’ll have emotional setbacks. But, I’ll get through them.

One thing that was definitely a highlight for me in 2015 was the bond I developed with my nephew. It took a little while, but I’ve become one of his favorite people. I have trouble putting into words the feeling I get when I see him smile because he’s happy to see me. And of course, he has a little sister now as well, so yes, I have a niece now too. The overwhelming joy those two bring me is amazing. It’s things like this that motivate me.

As of today, December 31, 2015, there are only 186 days until my 40th birthday. That milestone looms over me almost like a really large black cloud. I felt I hadn’t done enough by the time I hit 30 years old. Now it’s almost 10 years later and I still feel that way. The difference now is that I feel I’m on the right track. I still don’t really know what the destination is, but I’m pretty sure that I’m heading there. Along the way,  I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to have setback. I’m going to be disappointed. I’m going battle my depression. I also know that I can get stronger from all of that. I NEED to get stronger from all of that. I may not accomplish everything I want to, or need to, get done in 2016, but if I can look back in one year and again say I’m better off than I was, then I’m doing something right and I need to keep doing it