Category Archives: Random Stuff

2016 Album of the Year

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1- Lacuna Coil – Delirium
2- Dark Tranquillity – Atoma
3- Opeth – Sorceress
4- Katatonia – the Fall of Hearts
5- Heaven Shall Burn – Wanderer
6- Garbage – Strange Little Birds
7- Those Poor Bastards – Sing it Ugly
8- Metallica – Hardwired… to Self-Destruct
9- Eric Clapton – I Still Do
10- Leonard Cohen – You Want it Darker

I’m genuinely proud that I’ve been able to announce my 2016 Album of the Year is going to Lacuna Coil’s Delirium. I have wanted to give this award to Lacuna Coil before, and I came close with 2012’s Dark Adrenaline , but they were just edged out by Katatonia’s Dead End Kings, and I mean JUST edged out.  I ranked Lacuna Coil’s 2014 album, Broken Crown Halo, at number 10. It was okay, but not great. When I first heard tracks on Delirium, I was taken aback a bit. I was surprised by the sound. With a slightly modified lineup, the album was louder, heavier, and more aggressive than Lacuna Coil had been in years. Their male singer, Andrea Ferro was performing growling death metal style vocals for the first time since their early demo tapes, while their female singer, Cristina Scabbia’s voice was hitting ranges I hadn’t heard before.

Not long after the album came out, I saw Lacuna Coil perform live. I got to see some of the new songs in person for the first time and was BLOWN AWAY. That’s when I realized that Delirium was really the Lacuna Coil album I’ve been waiting for. It just fits perfectly. While other bands, such as Paradise Lost, have also embraced their death metal beginnings , so has Lacuna Coil, and both bands have blended those sounds together flawlessly with what they had done in since those days. Again, this is the album I’ve waited for from them. And having been friendly with members of the band for a few years, I’m so proud to finally be able to say they’ve got my Album of the Year.

Tracks I recommend listening to from Delirium include “the House of Shame,” “You Love Me ‘Cause I Hate You,” “Blood, Tears, Dust,” “Ghost in the Mist,” and the title track “Delirium.” I also seriously recommend their cover of Madonna’s “Live to Tell.” But, if there’s one song on the album stands out to as unique, it’s “Take Me Home.” That one definitely threw me off at first, but easily stood out as a favorite quickly.

I’ve said this before, but bands in the “Gothenburg Sound” genre have all fallen by the wayside and have mostly become impossible to listen to. Except one:
Dark Tranquillity has not only not fallen by the wayside, they’ve remained consistent to what their sound is and put out album after album of quality music. Atoma is another example of a great album from them. Before the album came out, they flooded YouTube with new videos from the album. As I heard each one, I got more and more excited about the album. And, like Lacuna Coil, I got to see songs from this album performed live early on, and they fit perfectly into the show. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re one of the most fun bands I’ve ever seen live. I’ve said they’re the “Happiest Death Metal Band” ever. Go see them live and you’ll understand.

Songs that stand out to me from Atoma include the title track, “Encircled,” “Forward Momentum,” “the Pitiless,” and “Our Proof of Life.”

I’ve always liked the ride that Opeth albums took me on. Their brutal death metal sound and their more mellow approach during songs were often a roller coaster for me. When they started to downplay the death metal and then outright abandon it on their albums, I felt I didn’t go on that ride anymore, ot at the very least, it was a different ride. Sorceress is their third album without any death metal vocals on it, and I feel it’s the first one that successfully takes me on the ride I’ve wanted from them without that style of vocals. And they’ve pretty much said the same thing, this is the album that they’ve found where they want to be now. And also, like the new Lacuna Coil songs, I saw some of the new Opeth songs performed live and they fit right into the show. Opeth may be where I want them to be again.

Songs I recommend from Sorceress include the title track, “the Wilde Flowers,” “Will O the Wisp,” and “Strange Brew.”

In all of the years that I’ve been doing these lists, I’ve never ranked at Katatonia album lower than third. That is, until now. Katatonia’s the Fall of Hearts is my 4th Best Album of 2016. The album is very good. The songs that stand out are great songs. But, there’s a few factors in them being ranked at only 4. The first one is that the albums ahead of them are THAT good. The second is that while the songs that are good are very good, the other songs are not as good. I said that seeing Lacuna Coil, Dark Tranquillity, and Opeth perform some of their new songs live helped win me over if it was necessary. Katatonia hasn’t toured the United States for this album yet. I think it’s possible I would have thought more of this album if I had seen songs done live. 4th Best Album of the Year isn’t bad, by any means. But, for a band that I’ve given Album of the Year to in 2009 and 2012, I have certain expectations. They weren’t necessarily met here.

The songs that I feel are the real good ones from the Fall of Hearts include “Takeover,” “Serein,” “Sanction,” “Last Song Before the Fade,” “Decima,” and especially “Old Hearts Fall.” And if you get a chance to hear their cover of Judas Priest’s “Night Comes Down” I definitely suggest you do.

Not only had I forgotten about Heaven Shall Burn, I didn’t even know they had a new album out in 2016. I hadn’t heard anything new from them since 2008. I looked them upo one day and saw they had a new album called Wanderer. I saw the video for “Bring the War Home” and had to heard more. I ordered the album and when I got it, I heard some of the angrist, most agressive, brutal, and good new music I’ve heard in a long time. I got the special edition which had a second disc over cover songs. Some of the songs on that were some of my favorite songs from some of my favorite bands. I was completely won over. I’ve never seen Heaven Shall Burn play live. I had tickets to see them back in maybe 2008, but for various reasons, they canceled the show. Maybe one day I’ll tell that story in a blog.

If you feel the need to listen to some angry music, listen to “the Loss of Fury,” “Bring the War Home,” “Downshifter,” and “Save Me.” If you want to hear some interesting takes on Paradise Lost and Life of Agony songs, listen to the “True Belief” and “River Runs Red.”

I like Garbage. What can I say? Before you make any snide remarks, I’m talking about Garbage, the band. Strange Little Birds is the second album they’ve put out since they got back together in 2012 and it’s a solid record. It is definitely Garbage. And when I say that, it’s a good thing. The opening track is “Sometimes.” It reminds me a lot of their early b-sides and rare songs, which immediately made me excited to hear more. And from that song, the album goes right into “Empty,” which is a solid candidate for a “best of” album one day. Garbage is consistent. They’re Garbage. That’s what I like about them.

In addition to the songs I’ve mentioned, I really like “If I Lost You,” “Even Though Our Love is Doomed,” and “So We Can Stay Alive.”

Those Poor Bastards are a band with a unique sound. I don’t have many albums from their library, but the two that have come out since I’ve been listening to them have both been ranked in my Top 10. 2014’s Vicious Losers and now, 2016’s Sing it Ugly at number 7. I haven’t ever seen this band live, and without question, they’re at the top of my list of acts I would like to see. I find whatever I’ve heard from them to be unique and seriously different for a modern band.

“No Light,” “Unwanted,” “Headed Nowhere,” “Ten Ton Hammer,” and “Sorry for Everything” are the songs that I listen to the most from this record.

Sometimes I just want to hear a good straight-up Blues album. I don’t want fancy Blues with lots of bells and whistles. I feel that takes away from what I’m supposed to feel with the Blues. Eric Clapton has been guilty of putting out albums with bells and whistles, but in recent years he’s returned to the roots of the Blues. And his album, “I Still Do” is a good example of that and is my 8th Best Album of 2016. There is much more I can say to talk about with this album. It’s just a good Blues album, which should be a good enough description.

I like “Alabama Woman Blues,” “Spiral,” and “Cypress Grove” on this album as the standouts.

I am not the biggest Metallica fan and I probably never will be. But, I do like them. To be clear, I like them when they put out a good album. Their critics are right, they’ve put out some bad ones over the past 20 years. But, they seem to have found themselves again. The 9th Best Album of 2016 is Metallica’s Hardwired… to Self-Destruct. It sounds like Metallica. It doesn’t sound like Metallica trying to be Metallica again. It just sounds like Metallica. That probably makes sense to some of you.

“Hardwired,” “Moth into Flames,” and “ManUNkind” are my favorite tracks from this record.

The 10th Best Album and the last one on my list is Leonard Cohen’s You Want it Darker. Sadly, Mr. Cohen died right after this album was release. But, if you listen to it, he was aware his days were coming to an end. He’s always been very aware of depression and darkness, which was why I liked him. This album is a great farewell for him and from him. He went out well.

The title track, “Treaty,” “Steer Your Way,” and “If I Didn’t Have Your Love” are the songs I would play to someone to hear the best from this album.

Some albums that didn’t crack my Top 10, but were close include Let Me Get By from Tedeschi-Trucks Band, Dion’s New York is My Home, and Michael Kiwanuka’s Love & Hate.

Steven Wilson put out 4 1/2 in 2016 and it probably would have been ranked high, if it wasn’t just unreleased and re-done versions of some of his older songs. But, because it’s not necessarily new material, it wasn’t eligible.

Mike Patton joined a few other people as Nevermen and put out an album. Like much of what Patton does, I don’t know what to make of it. It’s good, but I don’t know how often I’ll ever think of a song from this album I need to hear.

And I have to make a note of David Bowie’s Blackstar. Like Leonard Cohen, Bowie knew he was dying and released one last album, which happened to come out two days before his death. I don’t know how much attention this album would have received if it wasn’t for the sad circumstances. There’s a few songs on it that I really like, but I just couldn’t rank it. Die-hard Bowie fans may feel differently, and I respect that, but it just didn’t do it for me.

2016 was a pretty good year for new music. My Top 5 albums could all have been #1 in other years. I don’t know of many new albums coming out in 2017, but I’m looking forward to a new one from Clutch. I also can’t wait to hear what the new Life of Agony album, which should be very interesting. I’m also very anxious to hear Anneke Van Giersbergen’s new band, VUUR. We’ll see how these all rank next year.

A note about eligibility for my 2016 Album of the Year:
– the album must have had a United States street date in 2016
– the album must be new material (for the band or artist)
– live albums are only eligible if they’re new material

The Weakness of Hope Is the Strength of Decline.

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Have I achieved anything? Am I an underachiever? Am I an overachiever? I think the answer to all of those questions depends on someone’s perception of me. I would give my own answer on those questions, but I just don’t know what the answer is.

Most of the times in my life that I have actually achieved any level of success, I was surprised to have gotten there. Does that mean I’ve overachieved? Very often, I had someone telling me “you’re better than that.” Does that mean I underachieved? The voices that told me how I wasn’t doing well enough dominated the formation of my esteem. It’s made it very difficult for me to feel pride in something I’ve done because I’m not sure if it is ever good enough, or even good at all.

If you take what I  just talked about and combine it with other aspects of my depression and anxieties, I’m sometimes amazed that I can even get out of bed in the morning. I have such difficulties in starting tasks sometimes. Is it because I’m afraid to fail? Am I afraid to lose? But, if I believe I’m constantly not living up to my potential, that should mean I’m used to failure and losing, right? And since failure isn’t a good feeling, maybe I just don’t want to feel it again. So if I don’t bother to try something, I can’t actually fail at it, right?

Over the past few years I have personally made significant improvements in my house. However, I’ve watched those improvements go unnoticed, unappreciated, and in many cases, undone. This pattern has made me reluctant to do any more in the house, despite my incredible desire to fix things here because of how incredibly unhappy I am here. Some people would suggest that if I’m so unhappy where I live, I should go someplace else. But that’s not financially possible. And that’s a subject I could go on and on about, and I’ve touched upon it before. But, like the household issue, every time I make financial progress, something happens and my progress goes away.

I ran seven 5k races in 2016. I’ve used my November blog in 2014 and 2015 to talk about them. I’m not going to give a full recap blog this year. My results were very mixed this year. I didn’t set any new records for myself. In fact, in all of the races I ran, I only improved upon one race vs. the year before, and that was by .33 seconds. Many of the results were some of my slower finishes. They were ALL under 30 minutes, which has always been one my goals. And while one race was my 2nd quickest finish and I kept saying that I did the best I could each time, I still have doubts that I didn’t underachieve this year. And I also wonder if I was defeated by my own doubts before the races even began, and that may be why I skipped one race at the end. I didn’t have confidence that I could do it in under 30 minutes.

The race scenario is just one example that I thought of because it’s a recent thing. Quitting isn’t something I do often. Once I am committed to something, I’m actually committed to it. But that’s really because I’m afraid to let someone down. The voices in my head often weigh the options, loudly. Big decisions don’t come easy to me, and because of my fear of consequences, even the smallest of decisions can become big decisions for me. Quitting isn’t the issue. Starting is.

It’s difficult for me to confront someone with issues I have. Even if I know without any shadow of a doubt that I’m right. Some people can make me feel wrong even in those situations. I don’t have the confidence in myself to do anything about it or to even make my case. Why is that? Am I afraid to offend someone? Have I been conditioned that being right isn’t good? Am I afraid that if I point out someone else’s mistake that it somehow poorly reflects on me?

Nature vs. nurture? Product of my environment? They’re both accurate with me. At 40 years old, is there still hope for me? Some would say there is. Others would say I should have figured this stuff out years ago. And that’s just it. Whoever would say those things to me may not even be around anymore, but I still hear them. My own belief is that it is good that I’m aware of these issues. That may be why I have this internal struggle, because I’m fighting my own programming and trying to make positive changes. Yes, it’s an uphill battle with lots of obstacles, but I have to keep trying, even if the voices tell me otherwise.

 

It Must Sound Too Far Fetched, but You Can Bet Your Bottom Dollar I Ain’t Going like the Rest.

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I’m 40 years old. I’ve spent much of my adult life struggling with my esteem, my self worth, and my financial worth. I keep trying to crawl up to be above the Poverty Line. I’ve also spent a great deal of my life being told how awful the place I lived was. I was told how bad my house is. I was told how my interests and beliefs don’t matter. I was taught to believe I would never amount to anything. I was taught to believe the place I lived was no good. I was taught not to like my surroundings. I was taught to believe there isn’t any hope. And much of these teachings came from inside my own house.

I’m one person. I’m only one person. I’m one person that’s been in a holding pattern in life. Sometimes I say I’m rebuilding. Sometimes I just think I’m building. But, I’m just one person. I’m one person that has the same opportunity as everyone else in the United States of America has. I’m one person that has the same chances and the same rights as everyone else has, right? In theory, yes, but in practice?

Imagine the story I just told about myself from a different perspective. Imagine you came from a family in a much more economically challenged area than I live in. Imagine you came from a family of people that weren’t granted equal rights as everyone else until 50 years ago. Imagine, while you were able to go to school and get a job like everyone else, you weren’t paid the same. Now imagine that it’s now illegal for you to not have the same opportunities as everyone else, but you’ve been behind the curve for so long that it’s more difficult to catch up. Now imagine just after you’ve been granted these opportunities, the economic system in the country you live in drastically changes and doesn’t seem to help out the people on the bottom and in the middle as much as it does the people at top. And imagine you’re told by the people in your community that there’s no hope and the people outside your community always look down upon you and let you know it. Just imagine how frustrated and angry you may be?

As I said, I’m just one person. Imagine it’s an entire race, or ethnicity, of people. It’s not hard to imagine, because it’s what’s been happening for years. I know people will read this and immediately start talking about how there’s welfare and other social safety net solutions to help the poor communities, but do you know what would help them a lot more? A reversal of fortune due to a reversal of economic policies currently in place designed to help very few.

When discussing something with a former co-worker, I mentioned towns like Paterson, Newark, and Camden. They’re all in New Jersey and they’re all predominantly minority in demographics. They’re all crime ridden areas. And they were all once thriving areas. When I said something about those towns being bad areas, the reply was “what do they all have in common?” Yes, the implication was they’re all bad because they’re minorities. Well, how about they’re all bad areas because society has left them behind. They’re bad areas because for 35 years, this country has catered to the rich and has left the poor behind. In a cause/effect scenario, they’re not the initial cause. The places they live and the conditions they live in are the effect.

In 1981, the “Trickle Down Economic” plan was put into place. It lowered taxes on the wealthy and raised taxes on the middle class (multiple times). The idea was if the rich had more money, they would create more businesses. More businesses would mean more jobs. More jobs would mean more people would make more money. More money would boost a somewhat stagnant economy. It’s been 35 years. The trickle never happened. The rich got richer. The poor got poorer. And the hopes of many people, communities, and cities diminished.

I have been working multiple jobs for a few years now. I have been spending more money in that time period than I had since I used credit cards. I’ve also been saving money. Of course, I have almost no free time now. Just imagine if I was able to make the amount of money I make per week, working one job, and only 40 hours. And imagine if everyone else had the same opportunity. We would have a thriving economy. It’s a simple concept.

And before anyone states that if I had better jobs or a better education, let me state that I have worked full-time jobs for over 20 years. I’m currently working multiple part-time jobs due to circumstances beyond my control. But while working full-time jobs, I was still under the poverty line. 32-40 hours per week and needing a second job just to be able to afford enough enough gas in my car to get to the grocery store to buy enough food to last until my next paycheck, but I’m just one person. I don’t have children or anyone else relying on my income. I’m just one person.

I’m just one person that has read a lot about history and politics. I’ve read enough to know that after all of the social programs that were put into place in the 1930s by President Franklin Roosevelt after the Great Depression, our country thrived. People had jobs. They had protections in place to make sure they had job security. People earned enough money working one 40 hour per week job that it wasn’t necessary for two parents to work in one household. In many cases, the father worked and the mother stayed home with the kids. That simple trait isn’t an option for most people now.

Our country’s infrastructure was built in the 1940s and 1950s. Our Interstate Highway system was constructed and paid for by tax dollars and tolls. The country’s highways and bridges have fallen into disrepair over the past few years as less and less tax dollars have come in.

Is it a coincidence that we don’t see as many “one bread winner” households now? Is it a coincidence that our roads look the way they do now? No, it’s not. The Trickle didn’t happen. And it never will.

Our inner cities are failing. The people in those places are not to blame. Many of the people in those cities have never been given the chances that their somewhat recently acquired rights have granted them. Those cities don’t have tax revenue. They don’t have anything in place to keep them going.

I admit this entry is a bit disjointed. But, I’m trying to cram in as much as I can into as short of an entry as I can because I actually want people to read it. With more time to commit to the entry, I could probably load it with quotes, statistics, and other researched facts. But, as I’ve said a few times, I’m just one person.  I’m one person that has read a lot about social and economic issues. And I’m one person whose voice has often been silenced.But I’m one person that based on skin tone, many of you think has had a better chance than people that look differently than me. To some degree, I have had more chances, but that doesn’t mean the system is set up to be in my favor. The chances granted to me often come from how I look and who I know. It’s not necessarily due to anything else.

I’m just one person. But, I’m one person that knows how the system is played. I’m one person that knows the game needs to change. I’m one person that has a voice, even if it’s only really heard here, and only by a handful of people.

Change is needed. And change often starts with just one person.

Pat Yourself on the Back and Give Yourself a Handshake, ‘Cause Everything is Not Yet Lost.

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I don’t enjoy being depressed. I really don’t. But, as I attempt to find a bright side to my struggle with depression, it’s that I find being depressed helps my creativity. Some of my better blog entries have come at some of my lowest points. That brings to me to a unique problem that I’m dealing with right now.

I’ve committed myself to writing at least one blog per month. It’s now the end of July and I haven’t published anything yet. July was a pretty busy month for me. Between my full time job and my part time job, I worked a lot. I also had a pretty big and positive change in my social life as well. So, due to all of those reasons, I haven’t had much time to sit down and write anything. But, there’s also another reason I haven’t written an entry yet this month, and it’s a big one…

I just don’t know what to write about. Yes, I have a case of writer’s block. If that’s the consequences of being in a good mood, I guess I’ll just have to accept it. I’ve never liked settling for anything, but I’ll gladly settle here.

Throughout the month, I’ve had a few concepts for blog entries. Some of which had me digging deep into some family issues. Some of them had me getting somewhat political. Some of them had me getting into some history issues. Some were a combination of all three. Yes, I’m capable of doing that. Trust me.

Although, I do have to confess that not everything is good. As of yesterday, I no longer have a full time job. The company I worked for has gone out of business. I worked there until the very end and was literally one of the last employees left in the building. I enjoyed my time at that job, but now it’s gone and with it goes my health benefits. But, I’ve been here before and I’ve risen out of it. The other times I’ve lost jobs were less expected and left me a bit more bitter. But, due to having a part time job, in which I can get more hours, I’m not particularly concerned about income at the moment.

The positive attitude I’ve had recently is not what I’m used to. It’s not what I would usually say is “my normal.” It’s different for me. And very often, when I feel this way, I also have a feeling of impending doom. This time, I don’t have it. I don’t want it. I’m glad it’s not there. It could come back, I’m not naive to that. And no, me saying that isn’t me having the usual dread. It’s just a reality.

My depression and life experiences have shown me that usually when things are going well for me, something bad is coming. It’s the feeling of dread I often have. As of this moment, I don’t have that. I’m quite aware that I don’t have it. And it doesn’t confuse me. To some of you, this paragraph may seem weird. I’m writing about the usual dread I have when in a good mood for an extended time and how I’m not confused by the my enjoyment of it. I’ll be honest, it’s not something I’m completely used to, but I’m just going with it.

Even with the employment issues I’m about to face, my biggest problem with this past month is really this blog entry. I’m bothered that I have so little to say. I guess  I know what some of my goals for August are:
– look for work
– run more often and attempt to lose 10 pounds
– write (at least) one really good and in depth blog entry

I think all three of those goals are attainable. There’s varying levels of difficulty with them, but I still think I can handle it. Wow, I’m still sounding optimistic. It’s definitely not what I’m used to. But, I kind of like it.

For Every Dream That is Left Behind Me, I Take A Bow.

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I always get very reflective during this time of year. Well, more than usual, that is. My birthday is July 3rd, and that means it’s time for me to look back on a year of life and think about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. However, this year is a little bit different. I’m turning 40 on this year’s July 3rd. Yes, my countdown to 40 years of age is now at just 3 days to go (as of when this is being published).

A few days ago, I looked back at a copy of the blog I wrote for my 30th birthday. I had a different, less serious writing style then. From reading that particular entry, I can’t get a good gauge of what I was feeling at that time, but I think that was the point of what I wrote and how I wrote it then. A lot has changed for me over the past 10 years, but then again, a lot has remained the same. I don’t know if the part that hasn’t changed is good or bad.

One thing is for certain, I have a much better perspective of what’s important in life. The past 10 years have seen me deal with significant loss, emotional lows, financial turmoil, loss of jobs, and relationship issues. I’ve documented basically all of them in my entries here, and there’s links there if you want to read more.
The past 10 years have also given me some emotional highs, (a bit more) financial freedom than I’m used to, new jobs, and new relationships. It all goes back to the balance I’ve spoken of a few times. But, it’s also about my perspective on things.

It’s very easy for me to look at where I am at 40 and think I’m not “where I’m supposed to be.” I never thought at this age I would still be living in the same house that I grew up in. I never thought I wouldn’t be married. I never thought I would be struggling paycheck to paycheck as I have. But, that’s where I am. And while it does get to me sometimes that I’m not further along, I also know that I could have it A LOT worse. Trust me, there’s some struggles and strife being in this house, and that’s a topic for a few entries, but at a later time. I do have enough perspective to know that it’s not all bad.

I started my 30s with an overbearing amount of credit card debt. I eliminated that over 3 years ago. Not having that burden weighing me down is an incredible feeling. However, as I’ve stated, I am struggling financially. I am currently a full time employee at a company that won’t exist much longer, while also working part time jobs on the side, just to survive. I have a bit of uncertainty with my current employment situation. I felt much more secure there 10 years ago. I was paid better and had job security, but all of my money was going towards my debt. Now, I’m paid less, have no job security, but no debt. Balance?

In some ways, I’ve given up on the dream of finding that one job that is THE ONE for me, if that makes sense. I am more concerned about being comfortable enough at a job, while not being complacent. I am concerned about that job providing enough for me to live comfortably, and hopefully with health benefits. My priorities have definitely switched. But, don’t get me wrong, if I were in a position to make a little less to do something that I absolutely loved doing, I probably would.

Getting back to what I said about my writing style from 10 years ago, it was definitely different. I would say what I had to say, but it was mostly incredibly vague. I wasn’t able to really express myself. In some cases, I wasn’t really allowed to. And, I was definitely not comfortable enough to do so. I had so much built up inside of me, but it never came out. It just stayed there until it faded into nothingness. This itself is a possible future topic.

One thing I am definitely aware of from when I turned 30 was where my health and weight was. I gained a lot of weight at this time 10 years ago. I had gone up to 230 pounds and was just basically not really active. It was during that summer that I first joined a gym, changed some of my eating habits, and hoped to get healthier. Here I am 10 years later, and I’m in the best shape of my life. I workout daily, I run a few times per week, and I’ve participated in twenty 5k races (as of this writing). I don’t see that changing.

The simple fact that I have pride in some of my accomplishments over the last few years is a big change from where I was 10 years ago. Hell, it’s a change from where I was 5 years ago. The fact that I can write these entries as openly as I do is a big thing for me. I would never have been able to do this a few years ago. But, I realize how important it is for me to have an outlet. There were things in my way. Some were just mental blocks, some were bigger than that. Some of those obstacles are not here anymore and it’s good to be able to express myself. To be completely honest, sometimes I even surprise myself in these entries with my ability to open up.

A few years ago, a friend read a particular blog entry I made and he told me he wanted to sit down and talk to me about some things from it. He’s a few years older than I am, and told me how much his life started to improve at age 40. Here, I am just days away from that milestone and even with a big bit of uncertainty about some aspects of my life, I’m starting to believe him a bit. I’ve noticed recently in situations where my defaults would kick in, they haven’t. My fears have not kicked in. My confidence is higher than I’m used to. But, even with all of that said, and even with all of the losses I’ve had in the past 10 (and even 40) years, I’m more optimistic than I’ve been on a long time. So maybe my friend was right. I’ll let you know in a few years.

Free as a Bird.

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Throughout my life, the happiest individual I’ve ever encountered was Jim. In almost every situation I ever saw Jim in, he was happy. Even if something bad had happened to him, once it was over, he was happy again. He almost made happiness look simple, even as there were some factors working against him, and for much of his life, he did have some things in his way.

Jim was a parakeet that I had for almost 10 years. He came to me when I was in 4th grade. My family has had birds since I was a child. I lived across the street from an elementary school and one day while sitting in class during 4th grade, an announcement was made stating that a parakeet had flown into the gymnasium and if anyone lived in the area and had a bird, they should come to the office. I went there, but by that time, they had him covered under a box and wouldn’t let it up in case he took off. But, the school secretary called my house and spoke to my mother who checked and both of the parakeets we had at the time were accounted for. However, she also said that we would take him and keep him until someone claimed him. Nobody ever did, and he stayed with us. We named him Jim due to him flying into the gym at the school. Yeah, we were clever like that.

We had no idea how old Jim was at the time. But, the tag on his foot indicated that he may have been 2 years old when we got him. He wasn’t a tame bird, in the sense that he would very rarely come out and fly around the house and play with people like some other birds we’ve had would do. But, he would still happily sit in his cage, eat, play, and chirp. He was always chirping. He even shared my love of hard rock. His favorite band was Nirvana, and his favorite song was “Heart Shaped Box.” He always reacted to that song.

Another parakeet we had, JJ also wasn’t as tame as others. He just wouldn’t play with people. And at one point, maybe just to save room in the house, we decided to make JJ and Jim roommates. They got along, but JJ was definitely the Alpha Male in the cage. Even though Jim was a bigger bird, JJ quickly established that it was HIS room and Jim was second fiddle. A great example of this would be if the two of them were both on the swing in the cage, JJ would stand as close to the center as possible and Jim would be pushed up against the side of the swing. Sometimes, he would even have one foot on the swing and one foot on the side of the cage, just so he could be partially on the swing.

But, let me get back to an example of why I believe Jim was the happiest creature ever. There was a time when I heard some commotion in the cage. I looked and Jim had gotten his foot caught in a toy. It was a round ball/bell with slits in it. He got his foot stuck and was flapping and screaming in an effort to get out. I went over to help. I grabbed him, and he bit me, but not to hurt, just to grip. He understood the help I was trying to provide. I actually couldn’t get him out, but my mother was able to. Within minutes of his foot being removed from the toy, he was on a perch in the cage (with the foot up in the air), but his head feathers were up and he was chirping a happy chirp. The trauma was over, time to move on and sing. That’s how he lived his life.

At the time we had JJ and Jim, we also had some other birds, including Sparky. Sparky was another special bird. She was incredibly friendly and loved coming out and playing with people. She also liked playing with JJ and Jim. We would sometimes put her in their cage and let them play for a while. JJ often dominated the playtime. There were times when he wouldn’t let Jim near her. One time, we had their cage in the kitchen and we brought Sparky in and put her in their cage. JJ started with his dominance and Jim snapped. He went after him. The two of them were LITERALLY rolling around on the bottom of the cage fighting. Of course, when this happened, Sparky went to the front door of the cage and stared at me until I opened it. Once I did, she took off and flew back to her cage. She wanted no part of that. Once JJ and Jim realized she had left, they stopped fighting. JJ sat in the corner of the cage for a while and Jim went right back to chirping. The problem was over, time to move on and sing.

The fighting I described just now was not common. It was the only time it happened. For the most part, Jim just accepted that JJ was the boss. The swing belonged to JJ. If JJ wanted a particular toy that Jim was playing with, Jim would let him have it. But, he still seemed happy.

Unfortunately, JJ ended up getting sick and he died. We feared for Jim’s health at this point, but he lasted a few more years. Without JJ there, the one thing I noticed first about Jim wasn’t a loneliness, but how his patterns of behavior didn’t change. When he was on his swing, he would still stand off to the side. If there were other spots that he was almost forced into staying in because JJ made it that way, Jim would still go to those spots. It took him a very long time to realize he was allowed to do things differently. He was able to break his programming a little bit.

So, what is the whole point of me writing about a parakeet? It’s not just for nostalgia reasons. While I do like talking about my birds and how much I like them, this particular story is one I relate to a bit. Jim being forced into a way of doing things, being programmed to feel secondary, and not always being able to do anything about is pretty similar to my own story. I’ve often spoken of my programming and I’ll be getting more and more into that in upcoming entries, I’m sure. But, there’s more to it than that.

Jim’s been gone for almost 20 years, but there’s lessons to be learned from him. He showed that IT IS POSSIBLE to break bad programming. He showed IT IS POSSIBLE to move on from adversity. And maybe most importantly, he showed that it is possible to just enjoy yourself, even if things may not be that good at the time. I need to follow his example. But, I do have to say that in all honesty, I don’t know if I’m capable of being as happy as Jim was in life. I don’t know if anyone is, but if I can get to just half of the level of happiness and half of the carefree attitude that he had, I’ll be in a very good place.

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Jim (on the left) and JJ in 1989.

 

 

A Channel for the Pain.

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Despite what people may think if they’ve read a few of my entries, I don’t actually like writing about depression. I would really like to have happier topics to write about, and sometimes I’ll sneak an upbeat blog entry in. But, the majority of what I write on here does deal with depression and anxiety. As I’ve said a few times, I’ve been programmed to doubt myself. I’ve been programmed to not like myself. Some people have said I shouldn’t think about it so much, but I’ve realized that the only way I can uncover more layers of my issues is to think about and to discuss it.

This entry though, while it will touch upon some of my issues isn’t really about me. It’s about anyone else that has some form of mental illness and needs an outlet. I feel that as much as I need to vent sometimes, others probably need it a lot more. So, bare with me in this entry as I attempt to discuss a pretty serious topic that, unfortunately I’ve touched on before.

I don’t claim to have the answers. Sometimes, I don’t even know what the questions are. That’s part of my daily struggle. I have no doubt that part of my anxiety is caused by wanting answers to my problems. I may not have answers, and I may have a lot of uncertainty, but there is one thing I am certain of, and that’s simply that I have to keep going.

Very recently, someone that I didn’t know, but some of my friends did know, decided he couldn’t keep going. He made a choice to end his life. I am very sad over this. I’m not just sad for my friends, but I’m also sad because (it seems) that depression claimed another one.

I don’t know the details of what was wrong with him or what lead to his decision. From what I’ve learned about the situation, nobody had any real indication of anything being so severe that this could have happened. I don’t know if it knowing anything in advance would make it any less painful for his friends and family.

The story I’m telling here is one of the reasons I write these entries. It’s my therapy. It’s my outlet. It’s my venting. It’s my way of helping myself. It’s my way of letting people know me. It’s my way of letting people know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s my way of letting people know that it’s okay to not be okay.

I know that very often I repeat themes in my blog entries, but that’s because sometimes themes in my life repeat. I try to learn from them, and sometimes that means I have to revisit them. Sometimes, it’s not even by choice that I revisit them, but I do it. Regardless of that, I deal with it. I do what I need to do to get from one day to the next. No matter how sad, melancholy, downtrodden, lonely, or flat out depressed I get, I keep going. I have to. I know that.

Too many people feel they can’t keep going. I feel for them. I grieve for them. I wish I could have helped them. I wish someone could have helped them. I wish they could have helped themselves.

About this time last year, a friend of mine told me about a time she wanted to hurt herself. She said she may have wanted to take it to an unfortunate and ultimate end. She assured me she was okay by the time she had told me about it, but was still a bit down. I told her that she and I would go out for coffee and she would talk, I would listen. And that’s what we did. She’s in a much better place in life now, so she tells me. She also recently told me that she had passed a full year without any self harm. I congratulated her on that and she thanked me for being supportive and for playing a role in her recovery. I know I’m not THE reason she’s better off now, but I know I played a small part in it and I’m proud of that and I’m proud of her.

People need to be able to speak about their problems. Keeping them inside leads to more pain. That growing pain may manifest itself in life altering decisions. Those decisions may have irreversible consequences.

THAT is why I write these. THAT is why I reach out to people. And THAT is why I will continue to write about this topic when I feel I need to. I want to know that I’m okay. I want to know it’s okay if I’m not okay. I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay. And we all need to know that one day things might be okay.

Tonight I’m Trying and I See All Dread in Me.

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A few weeks ago, I almost had a bad day. Actually, I just thought I was going to have a bad day. Because of those thoughts, I ended up having a bad day. Absolutely nothing really went wrong during that day. In fact, I had resolved a few issues early in the day and things were looking good. But, one thought planted in my head caused me to have an overwhelming feeling of dread.

That type of thing is not abnormal for me. The reality is, I expect bad things to happen. And I definitely expect them to happen if I’ve been having a string of good things happen for a while. Unfortunately, when I start thinking bad things are going to happen, my depression kicks in. Yes, the thought of bad things happening to me makes me depressed and that causes my anxiety to act up, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes I’m depressed because I think I’m going to be depressed.

I’ve spoken of my programming and my default settings. I’ve been programmed to think I don’t deserve good things. I’ve been programmed to believe bad things are going to happen to me. I’ve been programmed to think I’m beneath other people. I’ve been programmed to feel inadequate. I’ve been programmed to believe my interests, thoughts, and aspirations are childish, silly, or stupid. Any time I start to think things contrary to my programming, it confuses me and I often revert back to the default setting.

As I said at the beginning of this entry, sometimes I know there’s a depression episode coming and once the knowledge of it comes to me, it’s basically the trigger for me to shut down emotionally, feel sick to my stomach, or whatever my body does at that time during the episode. There are times when I can fight it off, but I almost feel that’s putting off the inevitable or even living in denial. There’s times when I welcome the emotional shut down. It’s almost an “okay, bring it on, let’s get this over with” type of feeling. Although, I don’t know how long it’s going to last. One day? Two days? One week? One month? I never know.

When I started typing this, I wasn’t feeling too bad. But, as I get more and more into it, I started to feel some anxiety. I think it’s a good thing, in this case. It means emotions are bubbling up to the surface. That’s why I write these. That’s why I’ll talk to anyone willing to listen. That’s why I will continue to do whatever I know will be helpful to me. Keeping this to myself just makes it worse. There’s no “light at the end of the tunnel” if I keep it to myself. In fact, keeping to myself makes me feel like the tunnel is never ending and possibly caving in on me.

These entries may sometimes seem repetitious. I know that I touch on the same topics that I’ve touched on before. But, that’s because I have to. It’s because the issues still exist. The symptoms still exist. I don’t talk about it just to talk about it. I don’t talk about it for attention. I certainly don’t talk about it for pity. I’m not a martyr. I’m someone that lives WITH depression and anxiety. I’m not someone that lives FOR depression and anxiety.

I’ve said a few times that I think I’m just scratching the surface with some of my issues. Over the last few months, I’ve read a book and listened to a podcast from a particular person. So many things he’s said about his own depression and anxiety, his family, his relationships, and his worries in general hit home hard with me. The issues are so similar. And that’s reminds me of something I’ve said multiple times in these entries, I’m NOT alone. There are others going through similar issues. I’ve reached out to a few friends recently about some of these problems. Some of us even had a good laugh over the concept of being depressed due to anxiety caused by the fear of an oncoming depression. We laugh about it because we have to. We would probably completely lose our minds if we didn’t.

This entry right here, this is just another chapter in a story that’s ongoing. It’s another day in the life, although sometimes it’s multiple days. As I’ve said before, I’m not giving up. I’ll continue to deal with this, even if the thought of that fight makes me anxious, which causes me to get depressed, which causes more anxiety, which causes more depression…

Yes, the struggle is real. The dread I see and feel is real. But, my determination to keep going is as well.

Divided We Stand

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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” – John Adams

While John Adams was 100% correct there, it’s apparent that today’s political climate doesn’t subscribe to that rule. Both sides of the political aisle have their own set of facts to contradict each other. Adding to the problem is how nobody admits they’re wrong. In fact, to make it worse, many politicians are called out on their lies and instead of correcting themselves or apologizing, they’ll “double down” on them and continue the propagation.

Recently, I was watching one of the Sunday morning political shows. The host and the panel of guests were having a discussion about if truth matters in politics. They said we were living in a “Post-Truth World.” Please read that last sentence again.

“Post-Truth.”

Does truth matter? Do facts matter? The answer is YES.

I don’t get upset when someone that doesn’t share an opinion that I have expresses their view. However, I do get upset when their opinion is based on lies, misconceptions, or a lack of evidence. You can tell me that Ronald Reagan was a great president and I can give you many reasons why he was not. The reason I bring up Reagan specifically is that he is one of the most polarizing political figures of my lifetime, if not of all time.

Republicans, especially those on a National scale, will go on and on about the wonders of the Reagan economy. They say he shaped the future of the nation for the better. They’ll speak of how he freed the hostages from Iran. They’ll talk about how he lowered taxes. They’ll talk about he ended the Cold War. I’ll say Reagan set us back 50 years. I’ll say we’re still suffering from the fall out of his economy. I’ll say he had nothing to do with the hostages in Iran. I’ll say he raised taxes on the Middle Class multiple times. I’ll say he had very little to actually do with the end of the Cold War.

Who is right? Am I? Are they? I can show you article after article proving that I’m right. They can show me article after article proving they’re right. How is that possible? There can only be one truth.

Getting away from Reagan, I’ve noticed such an incredible divide amongst people on many forums online. There’s such an incredible amount of hatred, anger, and vitriol. CNN could post a story online about President Obama walking his dog and people will comment about how the President and his wife need to be deported back to their homeland. They’ll talk about how he’s a treasonous Muslim that secretly leads terrorist groups against America, because he obviously hates the country that he’s President of. The original article may not include a single word about a policy or action the President has taken, but those type of comments will be there.

I have seen pictures online of someone standing during a salute to the flag and not properly saluting. The caption is usually something about how disgusting it is that First Lady Michelle Obama could disrespect America that way. Here’s the problem with the picture I’m speaking of, and the reason I worded this paragraph as I did. The person in the picture was not Michelle Obama. And while that was proven to be a fact, it doesn’t stop people from posting the picture and it doesn’t stop people from commenting. The truth does not matter here. For further reference, click HERE to make your own judgment, although there is only one that can be made.

What I just described is very typical of what I see online. Over the past 20 years or so, we’ve seen the rise of cable news channels with different perspectives on politics. And also, the Internet has become the number one forum for people to get and spread information, and the problems that arise from that is the divide we’re seeing now. Political, ideological, and philosophical differences have always been prominent, but O don’t know if it’s ever been worse than it is now.

The leading Republican candidate for President of the United States at this time is someone that has fed off of the type of disgust, ignorance, and lack of education that I have been talking about. He’s leading the way and many studies have shown how his supporters are some of the least educated people this country has. I am purposely not mentioning his name here, because that would give him more publicity, and he does not need it.

He’s been called out on lie after lie after lie and he’s still leading the polls. And before anyone criticizes me about this and points out the leading candidate for the Democrat nomination is also a notorious liar, I’ll point out that I agree. However, that type of silly argument is not one of my favorites. I don’t like when someone says “Person A lied about this and that” only to have it sort of defended by “well, yeah, but Person B lies too.” That’s the entire point of this entry. TRUTH MATTERS.

I listen to Right Wing Conservative Republican talk radio. I listen to Left Wing Progressive talk radio. I read article and books from both sides. I want to know facts. I want to know truth. I do not justify someone lying by pointing out lies from someone else. A lie is a lie, but I don’t know how much it really matters today. Our political world is so divided that facts aren’t nearly as important as the myths or lies that created them.

While John Adams was correct about facts being stubborn, it was Ronald Reagan himself that once said “Facts are stupid things.” And the simple fact that so many people don’t bother to learn about issues and look at the substance of what’s really important is what is causing the divide we have today. I don’t know what catastrophe will be needed for people to learn, but when it comes to facts and truth, those are two things that do matter, and stubbornly, they always will.

Should You Go Crossing That Silvery Brook, It’s Best To Leap Before You Look.

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A few big name celebrities have died over the last few months. Some of those names, David Bowie in particular, prompted a lot of comments and conversation on the social networks. Personally, I read many comments from people talking about sad they were, how devastated they were, and how much Bowie meant to them. I also read comments from people mocking other people’s sadness over someone they’ve never met. I really do have a serious problem with that.

There’s been a few times when a celebrity death has hit me hard. I wrote about my feelings on the death of Robin Williams. That one was difficult for me. In 2015 we lost Dusty Rhodes and Roddy Piper. As a lifelong fan of Professional Wrestling, those two losses were crushing to me, especially Roddy Piper, he was the reason I became of fan of that industry to begin with. I did meet Piper one time, but I never met Dusty Rhodes. I cried when those two died. I cried when Robin Williams died. In 1995, I cried when Mickey Mantle died. He retired from Major League Baseball 7 years before I was born. I know there’s been other celebrity deaths that have brought me to tears, but these are some of the ones that I can think of at the moment.

The point some of the critics had about people I’ve never met is only true to a very small degree. I haven’t met most of the celebrities that I’ve shed the tears over. They weren’t personal friends of mine, they weren’t family, they didn’t mean anything to me. Well, that’s just it. They were like friends of mine, they were like family, and they meant a lot to me and to many others as well.

In the cases of Dusty Rhodes and Roddy Piper specifially, those two spent their entire lives putting their bodies on the line in Professional Wrestling. I spent countless hours of my childhood being hooked by what they were doing and countless hours of my adult life admiring what they had been through just to entertain people. They brought smiles and happiness to many people. And those two, like so many other celebrities, entertainers, musicians, actors, and artists spend their lives making other people forget about their problems. That’s what friends do for one another.

I did not choose to be upset about any of their deaths. Just like I don’t choose to be upset when a relationship or a friendship has problems. I don’t choose to be happy when something goes well for me. Despite what I’ve heard recently on the radio (which may be a topic for a different time), I believe people cannot choose to be happy or sad. It’s what emotions do. People that are in touch with their emotions and allow their emotions to flow naturally feel what they’re supposed to feel at that time. There really isn’t much of a choice to it.

Do not tell me, or anyone else, that crying because a musician who has been entertaining people for over 40 years has died that we don’t have a right to feel sad or to shed tears of that. Do not tell me that it’s silly for that to happen. Do not tell me that the death of a “c-list” celebrity isn’t important enough to acknowledge on Facebook or Twitter. That person, while maybe not as famous as others, gave of him or her self to entertain us. Do not tell me what I am allowed to feel, because nobody can tell me what or how to feel, not even myself.